# Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 206 of 235

## One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard

Release 1

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Part Two - "Chef"

The French chef is a man in the kitchen. "[if the French chef is not proper-named]A man in a high white hat, a white jersey striped horizontally with red bands, a white apron, and a thin moustache[otherwise]Auguste[end if] stands here, [if every chef-fetch-quest-item is on the countertop]sharpening a knife[otherwise]wringing his hands[end if]." The description is "[if the French chef is proper-named]Auguste[otherwise]The chef[end if] paces here. He wears a white jersey striped with red horizontal bands, a white apron and a tall white hat." Understand "Escoffier", "cook", "Frenchman", "man", "Gallic", "gaul", and "frog" as the French chef. The printed name is "chef". The indefinite article is "the". The conversation of the French chef is the Table of Chefly Chatter. The default reply of the French chef is "The chef gives a Gallic shrug-and-sneer." Understand "Auguste" and "Escoffier" as the French chef when the French chef is proper-named.

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off the French chef, say "[The French chef] leaps away, shouting '[italic type]Non![roman type]' as he does so."

The French chef's apron is worn by the French chef. The description is "A white linen apron, stained in places with wine and sauces." Understand "linen", "white", "wine", "sauce", "sauces", "stain", "stained", "stains", and "wines" as the French chef's apron. Does the player mean doing something with the French chef's apron: it is very unlikely.

The French chef's jersey is worn by the French chef. The description is "The jersey is a traditional Gallic garment: white with broad red horizontal stripes." Understand "white", "red", "horizontal", "stripe", "stripes", "smock", and "shirt" as the French chef's jersey. Does the player mean doing something with the French chef's jersey: it is unlikely.

The French chef's hat is worn by the French chef. The description is "This is a traditional white chef's hat, high, with a puffy crown." Understand "chef's", "high", "puffy", "white", and "crown" as the French chef's hat. Does the player mean doing something with the French chef's hat: it is unlikely.

The French chef's moustache is part of the French chef. The description is "A neatly-curled thin, dark moustache." Understand "neat", "neatly", "curled", "curly", "dark", "black", "stache", and "mustache" as the French chef's moustache.

Before asking the French chef about something:

if the topic understood matches "Auguste/Escoffier/chef/French/cook/gaul", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "French chef", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "Auguste Escoffier", replace the topic understood with "himself";

if the topic understood matches "himself" and the French chef is not proper-named

begin;

now the French chef is proper-named;

now the printed name of the French chef is "Auguste";

end if.

Table of Chefly Chatter

topic | reply | summary | turn stamp
"himself" | "'[italic type]Mon ami[roman type], my name is Auguste. I have been chef to Vergil for six years now.'" | "his name is Auguste and he has been Vergil's chef for six years" | a number
"Syra" | "[The French chef] thrusts his hips, winks extravagantly, and chuckles lewdly and Gallicly. '[italic type]Hnnnh hnnnh hnnnh![roman type]' he leers." | "he appears to have known Syra" | --
"Vergil/Virgil/Publius/Vergilius/Maro/poet/master" or "Publius Vergilius Maro" | "'Perhaps one day, his poetry will make him famous. Who can say?'" | "he appears ambivalent about Vergil's chances at poetic success" | --
"lunch/food/dinner/meal/repast" | "[The French chef] looks angry. 'I sent [the scullery maid] off to get the ingredients hours ago. She never returned, the lazy slut. Perhaps, [italic type]mon petit chou[roman type], you could help. I require a decent bottle of wine, a fowl[if the duck_call is visible][emdash]that duck call might be useful[emdash][otherwise], [end if]and some chestnuts with which to stuff the bird.'" | "he would like you to fetch him a bottle of wine, a bird, and some chestnuts, since his sous-chef Ulpia has gone missing. He also called you a cabbage, for reasons, one presumes, of his own" | --
"cabbage/chou/mon/petit" or "mon petit chou" or "petit chou" | "[The French chef] shrugs. 'A nothing. A meaningless term of endearment, cupcake.'" | "[italic type]mon petit chou[roman type] is just a term of endearment for him." | --
"cupcake" | "[The French chef] rolls his eyes. 'It is nothing, [italic type]mon petit chou[roman type].'" | "cupcake is one of his terms of endearment" | --
"Ulpia/maid/woman/sous-chef/lazy/slut" or "lazy slut" | "'She is useless! I don't know why the master keeps her on!'" | "he does not care for [the scullery maid]" | --
"door/key/stout/barred/cellar" or "wine cellar" | "'I do not know where the key has gone. Perhaps the lazy maid is holding it.'" | "maybe [the scullery maid] possesses the wine cellar key" | --
"moonmilk/moon/milk/moon-milk" | "'It is not good for a man in my profession to speak to animals, Monseiur.'" | "he believes that moonmilk does grant the power to understand animals' speech, and wants no part of it." | --

Instead of showing or giving a chef-fetch-quest-item to the French chef:

say "[The French chef] takes [the noun] from you, nods fractionally, and sets [it-them] on the countertop.";

move the noun to the countertop.

After putting a chef-fetch-quest-item on the countertop for the first time:

say "[The French chef] briefly examines [the noun] and signals his approval with a curt nod."

Before taking a chef-fetch-quest-item:

if the noun is on the countertop

begin;

say "[The French chef] fixes you with a glare. 'Leave [the noun] alone, please, monsieur. I need [it-them] to prepare your lunch.'";

stop the action;

end if.

Instead of showing or giving the cheap_wine to the French chef:

say "[The French chef] takes [the noun] from you. He studies the bottle, and then removes the stopper. He sniffs the wine, grimaces, takes a swig, spits it into the sink, and ostentatiously pours the rest of the bottle after it. '[italic type]Merde[roman type],' he pronounces definitively[if the cheap_wine is warned_about]. 'Monsieur,' he explains, 'you will have to search harder to find a bottle that is drinkable. Perhaps it will be necessary to descend somewhat deeper into the stores, and explore more carefully.' He places a finger alongside his nose in the Gallic manner[end if].";

now the cheap_wine is warned_about;

remove the cheap_wine from play.

Instead of showing or giving the ancient bottle to the French chef:

say "[The French chef] takes [the noun] from you. He brushes away some of the niter, and his eyes bug out a little. He reverently removes the stopper and sniffs the wine. Then [the French chef] shudders in ecstasy. '[italic type]Mon dieu[roman type],' he whispers. He gently sets the wine on the countertop, and smiles at you. 'Well done, monsieur. Well done.'";

move the noun to the countertop.

Instead of giving or showing the cellar key to the French chef:

say "'Better you should have it than that lazy slattern,' opines [the French chef]."

Instead of showing or giving something to the French chef:

say "[The French chef] waves [the noun] away impatiently."

Instead of putting the cheap_wine on the countertop:

try giving the cheap_wine to the French chef.

Instead of putting the ancient bottle on the countertop:

try giving the ancient bottle to the French chef.