# Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 46 of 235

## One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard

Release 1

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Part Three - "The Drunken Priest"

The Priest of Jupiter Virilis is a man on the bench. "The Priest of Jupiter Virilis, somewhat the worse for drink, sways on the bench." The description is "The priest's long white beard is stained with wine, and his eyes are vaguely defocussed. He has clearly had better days." The indefinite article of the priest is "the". The conversation of the priest is the Table of Priest's Chatter. The default reply of the priest is "'Shut up. I'm trying to drink here.'" Instead of kissing the priest, try sucking the priest. Instead of fucking the priest, try sucking the priest. Instead of blowing the priest, try sucking the priest. Instead of eating the priest, try sucking the priest. Instead of wanking off the priest, try sucking the priest. Instead of rubbing the priest, try sucking the priest. Instead of sucking the priest, say "Gerontophilia is no more the Stiffy Way than it will be in three thousand years." Instead of smelling the priest, say "The priest reeks of cheap wine and despair."

Instead of giving or showing the aureus to the priest:

say "'I don't need your pity,' slurs the priest."

Instead of giving or showing the bag to the priest:

say "The priest looks at the bag. 'Enh,' he says. 'It's not exactly alluring, now is it?'".

Instead of giving or showing the mask to the priest:

say "The priest looks at the mask, comprehension dawning on his sodden features. 'Yes!' he cries. 'This looks a lot like Syra! I think this will do!' He downs the rest of the wine, smashes the empty bottle on the floor, and dashes off, mask grasped in his hand.";

remove the mask from play;

remove Julia from play;

remove the bottle of wine from play;

move slutty_julia to the altar;

really have the parser notice the bench;

remove the priest from play.

Instead of giving or showing something to the priest:

say "The priest gazes blearily at [the noun] in some confusion.".

Table of Priest's Chatter

topic | reply | summary | turn stamp
"bottle/wine" | "'Mine!'" | "he won't share his wine" | a number
"julia/impotence/sacrifice/sex" | "'It's the nose. I just....can't. Oh! The shame! If only she looked like, say, Syra. Ah, Syra.'" | "Julia's nose is too much for him; a woman named Syra was more to his liking" | --
"jupiter/virilis/him/himself/priest" or "Jupiter Virilis" | "'The god withholds his strength from me.'" | "Jupiter won't help him perform the sacrifice" | --
"nose" | "'If, perhaps, something were to hide it, to cover it with something more alluring.'" | "he thinks he might be able to do his duty if Julia's nose were hidden" | --
"syra/slave/servant/maidservant" | "'Ah, yes. Syra. Another woman with a large and ugly nose. Yet...alluring. Olive complexion, hair like midnight, eyes like topaz, skin like velvet, breasts like melons, ass like Caesar's, lips like wine, a kiss like fire.' He sighs." | "he found Syra attractive despite her nose" | --
"Caesar/Julius" or "Julius Caesar" | "'Oh, he's a [italic type]very[roman type] pious man, you know.'" | "Caesar is very pious" | --
"Eris/Discordia" | "'She's the Goddess of Discord.'" | "Eris is the Goddess of Discord" | --
"Kallisti/apple" | "'Great peril lurks within the Apple, for the unprotected.'" | "The Golden Apple is very perilous to the unprotected" | --

Test priest with "ask priest about wine/ Ask priest about julia/ Ask priest about jupiter/ Ask priest about nose/ Ask priest about syra/ Give bag to priest"