# Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis — 76 of 235

## One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard

Release 1

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Part Two - "Palinurus"

Palinurus is a man in the Poop Deck. The default reply of Palinurus is "'Arr, matey. I don't be knowin[apostrophe] much about [apostrophe][the topic understood],[apostrophe] but ye can ask me about any of the places I know how to sail to and I[apostrophe]ll take ye there, or ye can ask me about [apostrophe]destinations[apostrophe] or [apostrophe]places[apostrophe] and I'll list [apostrophe]em all for ye. Arr.' ". The conversation of Palinurus is the Table of Palinurus's Chatter. The description is "Palinurus is the helmsman of [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type]. He's a weathered middle-aged man, with piercing green eyes and gray hair. His wiry frame is well-muscled." Understand "pal", "old", "man", "helmsman", "muscles", "muscle", "wiry", "well-muscled", "muscled", "well", "frame", "middle", "aged", and "middle-aged" as Palinurus.

Palinurus's eyes are part of Palinurus. They are ambiguously plural. Understand "eye", "sea-green", "pale", "piercing", and "green" as Palinurus's eyes. The description is "Palinurus's eyes are a pale sea-green. He is constantly scanning the horizon."

Palinurus's hair is part of Palinurus. Understand "wild", "unkempt", "gray", "tangled", "mane", and "long" as Palinurus's hair. The description is "Palinurus's hair is a wild, unkempt tangle of gray, forming a mane that stretches past his shoulders."

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Palinurus:

say "Palinurus shoves you away. 'Belay that, lad! I[apostrophe]m married to the sea!'";

Table of Palinurus's Chatter

topic | reply | summary | turn stamp
"Palinurus/helmsman/himself" | "'Yarrr, with a name like that, what chance did I ever have to become anything else?'" | "he feels his name doomed him to a profession as a helmsman" | --
"Pirate/arr/arrrr/arrgh/yar/yarr/yargh/yarrr" | "'Aye, arrrre you making fun of my way of speakin[apostrophe] now, lad?'" | "he took some offense at your mockery of his speech" | --
"ocean/sea/wife/woman" | "'Arr, the sea is like t'a woman: mysterious, treacherous, governed by the moon, an[apostrophe] a-smellin[apostrophe] of tuna.'" | "he told you the sea was like a woman" | --
"Syra" | "'Aye, [apostrophe]twas a wild night, that one. Long ago, lad. Long ago.'" | "he had a wild night long ago with Syra" | --
"Nineveh" | "'Nineveh? It was nowhere near the sea, lad, and it be long gone to ruin.'" | "Nineveh was destroyed long ago" | --
"Tarshish" | "'Tarshish? Never heard of it.'" | "he knows no place named Tarshish" | --
"#fake0" | "No text." | "he told you the places to which he can sail [bracket]you can always ask him about PLACES again[close bracket]" | --

Instead of asking Palinurus about "destinations/places":

if Greek Piracy is happening, instead say "Palinurus snaps, 'Belay that, laddie! Can't ye see I'm busy?'";

say "Palinurus clears his throat. 'Aye,' he begins. 'I can steer you to [run paragraph on]";

repeat with N running from 1 to the number of rows in the the Table of Ports

begin;

choose row N in the Table of Ports;

if N is the number of rows in the Table of Ports and N > 1

begin;

say "and [run paragraph on]";

end if;

say "[expected-port-name entry][run paragraph on]";

if N is not the number of rows in the Table of Ports

begin;

say ", [run paragraph on]";

end if;

end repeat;

say ". That's the lot. Yarr.'";

now Palinurus is conversed;

replace the topic understood with "#fake0";

if topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Palinurus's Chatter, now the turn stamp entry is the turn count;

rule succeeds.

Before asking Palinurus about something:

if Greek Piracy is happening, instead say "Palinurus snaps, 'Belay that, laddie! Can't ye see I'm busy?'";

If the topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Ports

begin;

if the ship-present entry is "yes"

begin;

say "Palinurus stares at you curiously. 'Aye, laddie. We[apostrophe]re already here.'";

otherwise;

if the global_pirate_attack_flag is 0 or the golden banana is not enclosed by the player

begin;

if the destination of the gangway is "Syracuse" and Archie is unboinked

begin;

say "Palinurus jerks a thumb at the sky. 'We don't sail until she clears up, laddie!'";

stop the action;

end if;

if the destination of the gangway is "Syracuse" and Carthage is not warned_about, consider the swap-Carthage-and-Syracuse rule;

say "Palinurus nods. 'Weigh anchor for [expected-port-name entry]!' he shouts. Bruno comes aboard. Palinurus trims the sails and works the steering oars[run paragraph on]";

let T be port-name entry;

let E be expected-port-name entry;

let F be flavor-text entry;

choose row with a ship-present of "yes" in the Table of Ports;

now the ship-present entry is "no";

replace the topic understood with T;

if the topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Ports

begin;

now the ship-present entry is "yes";

now the destination of the gangway is the port-name entry;

consider the check-for-diseases rule;

move Bruno to the disembarkation-location entry;

move the scenery_ship to the disembarkation-location entry;

now the times-visited entry is the times-visited entry + 1;

end if;

if the fake beard is warned_about

begin;

consider the here-come-da-whale rule;

stop the action;

end if;

if the tallis is worn and the fake beard is worn and the golden banana is not handled

begin;

consider the here-come-da-whale rule;

stop the action;

end if;

say "[F][paragraph break]";

otherwise;

now the destination of the gangway is "nowhere";

remove the gangway from play;

[ Pirate Attack code here ]

now the global_pirate_attack_flag is 2;

say "Palinurus nods. 'Weigh anchor for [expected-port-name entry]!' he shouts. Bruno comes aboard. Palinurus trims the sails and works the steering oars. But along the way...";

end if;

end if;

stop the action;

end if.