"Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis" by "One of the Bruces and Drunken Bastard".  The story headline is "An Interactive Perversion".  The story genre is "Comedy".   The Release number is 1.  The story description is "Stiffy Makane, or rather his ancestor Mentula Macanus, is here subjected to an increasingly-unlikely series of crudely sexual romps through the ancient world.  It's sort of like the Satyricon, except not nearly as funny." The story creation year is 2011.

Volume One - "Preliminaries"

[ The Spring Thing 2011 Release 1 version compiles under Inform 7 6G60. ]

Use no deprecated features. 

[ Uncomment the next line to allow test commands to work, even in release builds. ]
[ Include (- Constant DEBUG; -) after "Definitions.i6t". ]
[ Next line keeps testing-in-progress check from breaking on release builds. ]
Include (-#ifndef DEBUG; Array test_stack --> 1; #Endif; -) after "Definitions.i6t" 


Test winning with "test to-olympus / test mystery-goddess / n / test olympus / remove toga / fuck argus / test trial1 / test trial2 /test endgame1 / arise".
Test losing with "test to-olympus / test mystery-goddess / n / test olympus / remove toga / fuck argus / test trial1 / test trial2 /test endgame1 / test endgame2".
Test no-goddess with "test to-olympus / n / pray to puta / n / remove cloak / drop cloak / e / give banana to eris / wear sunglasses / w".
Test fail-a with "test no-goddess / n / n / remove toga / fuck argus";
Test fail-b with "test no-goddess / n / n / fuck argus with banana";
Test fail-c with "test no-goddess / w / ask anas about argus / e / n / n / remove toga/ fuck argus";
test fail-d with "test no-goddess / w / ask anas about argus / e / n / n / fuck argus with banana";
test fail-e with "test no-goddess / n / ask caesar about argus / kiss caesar / n / remove toga / fuck argus / test trial1";
test succeed-a with  "test no-goddess / n / ask caesar about argus / kiss caesar / n / fuck argus with banana / test trial1 / test trial2 / test endgame1 / arise";
test succeed-b with "test no-goddess / w / ask anas about argus / e / n / ask caesar about argus / kiss caesar / n / remove toga / fuck argus / test trial1 / test trial2 / test endgame1 / arise";
test succeed-c with "test no-goddess / w / ask anas about argus / e / n / ask caesar about argus / kiss caesar / n / fuck argus with banana / test trial1 / test trial2 /test endgame1 /arise";
test succeed-d with "test to-olympus / test mystery-goddess / n / test olympus / fuck argus with banana / test trial1 / test trial2 / test endgame1 / arise";
Test to-end with "test to-olympus / test mystery-goddess / n / test olympus".

Test ivory with "test to-hades / test hades / w / w / test kentucky".
Test to-choice with "test to-hades / test hades".

Test walkthrough with "test min-to-olympus / n / e / give banana to eris / w / w / ask anas about banana / e / n / ask caesar about banana / wear glasses / n / fuck argus with banana / test trial1 / test trial2 / test endgame1 / arise"

Book One - "Generalities"

Use American dialect and the serial comma.  [* Thank you, Samuel Delany: "I would like to thank my parents, Ayn Rand and God." ]

Use full-length room descriptions.  

Release along with the source text, cover art, the introductory booklet, the library card, a "Quixe" interpreter, a file of "Walkthrough" called "walkthrough.txt" [autogenerated from the source by stiffload], a file of "Map (spoilers) (PDF)" called "MMA-map.pdf" [Created by hand from the EPS using Illustrator for now], a file of "Map (spoilers) (EPS)" called "MMA-map.eps", and a "Stiffy" website.   [* "Stiffy" just recommends appropriate terps for Glulx ]

Part One - "License"

[ Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis is licensed under the Creative Commons 3.0 Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike Unported license ]

This is the stating-the-license rule:
	say "[italic type]Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis[roman type] is licensed under the Creative Commons 3.0 Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike Unported license: [fixed letter spacing]http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/legalcode[variable letter spacing][paragraph break]";
	say "The cover art is from Wikimedia Commons ([fixed letter spacing]http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Pompeii_-_Casa_del_Centenario_-_Cubiculum.jpg[variable letter spacing]), copyrighted by Heinrich St[u-diaeresis]rzel.  It  is licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License: [fixed letter spacing]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Text_of_the_GNU_Free_Documentation_License[variable letter spacing][paragraph break]".

Part Two - "Compiler Settings"

Use MAX_SYMBOLS of 30000.
Use MAX_PROP_TABLE_SIZE of 500000.
Use MAX_DICT_ENTRIES of 6000.
Use MAX_STATIC_DATA of 350000.
Use MAX_OBJECTS of 1024.
Use MAX_LABELS of 40000.
Use MAX_NUM_STATIC_STRINGS of 40000.
Use ALLOC_CHUNK_SIZE of 32768.

Part Three - "Extensions"

Include Greek to Me by Adam Thornton.
Include Runic Characters by Adam Thornton.
Include Basic Screen Effects by Emily Short.
Include Plurality by Emily Short. 
Include Locksmith by Emily Short. [Nice, but messes up the Kentucky timing.]
Include Case Management by Emily Short.
Include Glulx Text Effects by Emily Short.
Include Ignored Rules by Ron Newcomb. [To fix the Kentucky timing.]
[Include Unicode Full Character Names by Graham Nelson.]
[I'm not going to include a giant Extension to get just a few characters]

Part Four - "Credits"

This is the announcing-the-credits rule:
	say "Type CREDITS to roll the credits."
	
Part Five - "Newbies"

This is the tell-the-newbies rule:
	say "If Interactive Fiction is new to you, or so old that you've mostly forgotten how to play, please read the document found at the 'Introduction to IF' link on the game's website, or at: [fixed letter spacing]http://www.inform-fiction.org/I7Downloads/Examples/dm/IntroductionToIF.pdf[variable letter spacing][paragraph break]"
	
Part Six - "Cast"

Table of Final Question Options (continued)
final question wording	only if victorious	topic	final response rule	final response activity
"show the list of CAST members"	false	"cast"	fancy print the cast rule	--
"roll the CREDITS"			false	"credits"	fancy rolling the credits rule	--

Table of Real Cast Members
Character		Castmember	Met
"Stiffy Makane"		"Ron Jeremy"			true
"Rachel"			"Jennifer Aniston"			false
"Librarian"		"Nancy Pearl"			false
"Cleopatra"		"Elizabeth Taylor"			false
"Madame Sosostris"	"Prunella Scales"			false
"Pirate Captain"		"Johnny Depp"			false
"Persephone"		"Dolly Parton"			false
"Cerberus"		"Vinnie, Golem, and Ursa"		false
"Tantalus"		"Stephen Granade"			false
"The mysterious goddess"	"Rosario Dawson"			false

Table of Fictional Cast Members
Character		Castmember	Author	Work	Met
"Baldanders"		"Himself"		"Wolfe, Gene"				"The Book of the New Sun"	false
"Julia"			"Herself"		"[o-stroke]rberg, Hans H."			"Lingua Latina"		false
"The Golden Apple"		"Itself"		"Shea, Robert and Robert Anton Wilson"	"The Illuminatus! Trilogy"	false
"Glub"			"Juiblex"		"Gygax, Gary"				"Monster Manual"		false
"Archie"			"Himself"		"Goldwater, John L., Vic Bloom, Bob Montana, [italic type]et al.[roman type]"	"Archie Comics"	false
"Doctor Nick Riviera"	"Himself"		"Groenig, Matt [italic type]et al.[roman type]"	"The Simpsons"		false
"Hippopotamus"		"William"		"Artist unknown"				"[roman type]collection of the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art"		false
"Lake Guardian"		"Froghemoth"	"Gygax, Gary; illustration by Erol Otus"				"Expedition to the Barrier Peaks"	false
"Druidic priestess"		"Sacrifice"	"Deborah Larson"	"[roman type]cover of [italic type]Eldritch Wizardry[roman type][emdash]Gygax and Blume"	false
"Peanuts cast"		"Themselves"	"Schultz, Charles M."			"Peanuts"				false

This is the fancy print the cast rule:
	say  "The actors in [italic type]Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis[roman type] are of two types: those portrayed by real people or creatures, and those played by characters who are themselves fictional (or otherwise works of art).  They will be presented in two separate groups:[paragraph break]";
	consider the print the real cast rule;
	consider the print the fictional cast rule.

This is the print the real cast rule:
	let RCW be 0;
	repeat through the Table of Real Cast Members
	begin;
		let M be the met entry;
		if M is true
		begin;
			let LC be the number of characters in the character entry;
			if LC > RCW, now RCW is LC;
		end if;
	end repeat;
	say "Real People:[paragraph break]";	
	repeat through the Table of Real Cast Members
	begin;
		let M be the met entry;
		if M is true
		begin;
			say "[fixed letter spacing][run paragraph on]";
			let LC be the number of characters in the character entry;
			let W be RCW + 5;
			let NP be W - LC;
			say "[character entry][run paragraph on]";
			repeat with P running from 1 to NP
			begin;
				say ".[run paragraph on]";
			end repeat;
			say "[castmember entry][variable letter spacing][line break]";
		end if;
	end repeat;
	say "[paragraph break]";

This is the print the fictional cast rule:
	let FCW be 0;
	let ACW be 0;
	let AUW be 0;
	repeat through the Table of Fictional Cast Members
	begin;
		let M be the met entry;
		if M is true
		begin;
			let LC be the number of characters in the character entry;
			if LC > FCW, now FCW is LC;
			let LC be the number of characters in the castmember entry;
			if LC > ACW, now ACW is LC;
		end if;
	end repeat;
	say "Fictional Characters:[paragraph break]";
	repeat through the Table of Fictional Cast Members
	begin;
		let M be the met entry;
		if M is true
		begin;
			say "[fixed letter spacing][run paragraph on]";
			let LC be the number of characters in the character entry;
			let LF be the number of characters in the castmember entry;
			let NP be FCW + 2 - LC;
			let NS be ACW + 2 - LF;
			say "[character entry][run paragraph on]";
			repeat with P running from 1 to NP
			begin;
				say ".[run paragraph on]";
			end repeat;
			say "[castmember entry][run paragraph on]";
			repeat with Q running from 1 to NS
			begin;
				say " [run paragraph on]";
			end repeat;
			say " [run paragraph on]";
			say "[variable letter spacing][run paragraph on]";
			say "([author entry]: [italic type][work entry][roman type])[line break]";
		end if;
	end repeat;
	say "[paragraph break]".
			
Book Two - "The Map"

[ Fonts in use:
    Peace looks kind of like Hebrew: http://www.amerisoftinc.com/pub/peacefont.zip ;
    PRNumber3 is an Apple II screen font: http://www.kreativekorp.com/swdownload/fonts/bitmap/apple2/pr.zip ;
    Helvetica, Herculanum, Copperplate, Chalkboard, Georgia, Brush Script MT, Cochin, Comic Sans MS, and Zapfino come with Apple OS X ;
    
    And, yes, I used Comic Sans on purpose. ]

Index map with an EPS file and
	title set to "Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis",
	room-size set to 80,
	grid-size set to 108,
	room-name-size set to 8,
	room-name-length set to 28,
	[ Rome ]
	room-name-font of Rome set to "Georgia-Bold",
	room-colour of Rome set to "Thistle", 
	room-name-size of Rome set to 6,
	rubric "Rome" size 36 font "Georgia" at 50&-100 from Phallus Interior,
	[ Domus Macana ]
	room-colour of Domus Macana set to "Pale Golden Rod",
	room-name-font of Domus Macana set to "Georgia",
	room-name-size of Domus Macana set to 10,
	room-colour of Generic_Sewers set to "Sienna",
	room-name-font of Generic_Sewers set to "Georgia",
	room-name-size of Generic_Sewers set to 10,
	room-name-length of Special_Sewers set to 28,
	room-colour of Special_Sewers set to "Sienna",
	room-name-font of Special_Sewers set to "Georgia",
	room-name-size of Special_Sewers set to 10,
	room-name-length of Special_Sewers set to 28,
	room-name of Sewer1 set to "Sewer",
	room-name of Sewer2 set to "Sewer",
	room-name of Sewer3 set to "Sewer",
	room-name of Sewer4 set to "Sewer",		
	room-name of Sewer5 set to "Sewer",	
	room-name of Sewer6 set to "Sewer",				
	room-name of Sewer7 set to "Sewer",
	room-name of Sewer8 set to "Sewer",	
	room-name of Sewer9 set to "Sewer",
	room-name of Sewer10 set to "Sewer",
	room-name of Sewer_Mouth set to "Sewer Mouth",
	room-name of House_of_Glub set to "House of Glub",
	room-shape of Sewer6 set to "circle",
	room-shape of House_of_Glub set to "circle",
	room-colour of Town set to "Blanched Almond",
	room-name-length of Town set to 28,
	room-name-font of Town set to "Georgia",
	room-name-size of Town set to 10,
	rubric "Ostia" size 36 font "Georgia" at 0&-130 from Stiffy Love Nest,
	rubric "Ostian" size 36 font "Georgia" at 0&150 from Sewer_Mouth,
	rubric "Sewers" size 36 font "Georgia" at 0&100 from Sewer_Mouth,
	[ Shipboard ]
	room-colour of Shipboard set to "Sienna",
	room-name-size of Shipboard set to 10,
	room-name-font of Shipboard set to "Chalkboard",
	rubric "Shipboard" size 20 font "Chalkboard" at 0&100 from Poop Deck,
	rubric "Shipboard" size 20 font "Chalkboard" at 100&0 from Halfway up the Mast,
     	Poop Deck mapped west of Dockside, 
	room-name of Poop_Deck2 set to "Poop Deck",
	room-name of Main_Deck set to "Deck",
     	Main_Deck mapped north of Poop_Deck2, 
     	Hold mapped east of Main_Deck, 
     	Halfway Up The Mast mapped north of Main_Deck, 
     	Cabin Hallway mapped south of Poop_Deck2, 
     	Crow's Nest mapped north of Halfway Up The Mast, 
	room-name of Halfway Up The Mast set to "Mast",
	[ Slave Ship ]
	room-colour of Slave Ship set to "Papaya Whip",
	room-name-size of Slave Ship set to 10,
	room-name-font of Slave Ship set to "Chalkboard",
     	Galley mapped south of Captain's Cabin, 
	rubric "Pirate Ship" size 20 font "Chalkboard" at 0&100 from Captain's Cabin,
	[ Viking Longboat ]
	room-colour of Viking Longboat set to "Lemon Chiffon",
	room-name-size of Viking Longboat set to 10,
	room-name-font of Viking Longboat set to "Chalkboard",
     	Viking Longboat mapped east of Galley, 
	rubric "Viking Ship" size 20 font "Chalkboard" at 0&-100 from Viking Longboat,
	[ Syracuse ]
	room-colour of Sicily set to "Light Pink",
	room-name-font of Sicily set to "ComicSansMS", [ * Yes, I meant to use Comic Sans ]
	rubric "Syracuse" size 20 font "ComicSansMS" at 0&-100 from Polyphemus Brothel,
	Polyphemus Brothel mapped west of Cumae,
	[ Carthage ]
	room-colour of Phoenicia set to "Pale Green",
	room-name-font of Phoenicia set to "Papyrus",
	Rubric "Carthage" size 24 font "Papyrus" at 0&-100 from Industrial Wasteland,
	[ Campania ]
	room-colour of Campania set to "Ghost White",
	room-name-font of Campania set to "BrushScriptMT",
	Room-name-size of Campania set to 14,
	rubric "Campania" size 28 font "BrushScriptMT" at 0&100 from Cocceio's Cave,
	[ Judaea ]
	room-colour of Judaea set to "Sky Blue",
	room-name-font of Judaea set to "Peace",
	room-name-size of Judaea set to 8,
	Rubric "Judaea" size 24 font "Peace" at 0&100 from Judaean Brothel,
	room-name of Jerusalem_Alley set to "Alley",
	room-name of Judaean Brothel set to "Brothel",
	room-name of Temple Courtyard set to "Courtyard",
	room-name of Zach's Mohelerie set to "Mohelerie",
	room-name of Jonah's Museum set to "Museum",
	room-name of Fake Whale Interior set to "Whale",
	[ Egypt ]
	room-colour of Egypt set to "Wheat",
	room-name-font of Egypt set to "Herculanum",
	room-name-size of Egypt set to 8,
	Rubric "Egypt" size 24 font "Herculanum" at 0&100 from Top of the Pharos,
	room-name of Western Canopic Way set to "Canopic Way",
	room-name of Alexandrine Wharf set to "Wharf",
	room-name of The Temple of Serapis set to "Temple of Serapis",
	room-colour of Palace Grounds set to "Pale Violet Red",
	room-name of Cleopatra's Palace set to "Palace",
	room-name of Cleopatra's Boudoir set to "Boudoir",
	room-name of Cleopatra's Throne Room set to "Throne Room",
	room-name of Soma Mausoleum set to "Mausoleum",
	room-name of Eugenidean Boudoir set to "Room 14",
	room-name of Museum Antechamber set to "Antechamber",
	[Macedonia]
	room-name-font of Macedonia set to "Georgia",
	room-colour of Macedonia set to "Navajo White",
	Rubric "Macedonia" size 22 font "Georgia" at 0&100 from Litochoro,
	Rubric "Olympic Slopes" size 18 font "Georgia" at 100&0 from Saddle,
	room-colour of Olympic Slopes set to "Ghost White",
     	Olympic Ridge mapped south of Near The Tree Line, 
     	Saddle mapped south of Olympic Ridge, 
     	Southern Peak mapped south of Saddle, 
     	Skolio mapped west of Southern Peak, 
     	Skala mapped west of Olympic Ridge, 
     	Macedonian Hillside mapped south of Prionia, 
	[ Africa ]
	room-name-font of Dark Africa set to "Helvetica",
	room-colour of Dark Africa set to "Sea Green",
	room-name-font of Real Whale Interior set to "Chalkboard",
	room-name-size of Real Whale Interior set to 10,
	room-name of Real Whale Interior set to "Whale",
	room-colour of Real Whale Interior set to "Dark Salmon",
	room-name-font of Hippopotamus Interior set to "Chalkboard",
	room-name-size of Hippopotamus Interior set to 10,
	room-name of Hippopotamus Interior set to "Hippo",
	room-colour of Hippopotamus Interior set to "Lavender Blush",
     	Real Whale Interior mapped south of Hidden Valley, 
     	Hippopotamus Interior mapped west of Real Whale Interior, 
	room-name of North Shore of the Lake set to "North Shore",
	room-name of Halfway Up the Banana Tree set to "Banana Tree",
	room-name of Top of the Banana Tree set to "Treetop",
	Rubric "Africa" size 28 font "Helvetica" at 0&100 from Mountain Pass,
	[ Scotland ]
	room-name-font of Scotland set to "Georgia",
	room-colour of Scotland set to "Light Grey",
	room-name-size of Scotland set to 12,
	room-shape of the Druidic Grove set to "circle",
     	the Druidic Grove mapped south of the Battlement, 
     	the Battlement mapped west of the Lake, 
    [ 	the Lake mapped west of the Curia Interior, ]
	rubric "Scotland" size 30 font "Georgia" at 0&100 from Battlement,
	[Olympus]
	room-name-font of Olympus set to "Aegean",
	room-colour of Olympus set to "Lime",
	room-name-size of Olympus set to 10,
     	Halls of Justice mapped east of Palace Steps, 
     	Olympic Garden mapped west of Palace Steps, 
	room-shape of Grand Palace set to "circle",
	rubric "Olympus" size 24 font "Aegean" at 0&100 from Halls of Justice,
	[ Underworld ]
	room-name-font of Underworld set to "Copperplate",
	room-colour of Underworld set to "Papaya Whip",
	room-name of the northern_riverbank set to "Riverbank",
	room-name of Persephone's Palace set to "Palace",
     	the northern_riverbank mapped north of the riverbank, 
	room-shape of the Circular Ruins set to "circle",
	rubric "Underworld" size 36 font "Copperplate" at 0&100 from Olive Grove,
	[ Kentucky ]
	room-name-font of Kentucky set to "PRNumber3",
	room-colour of Kentucky set to "Lawn Green",
	room-name of End_Of_Road set to "At End Of Road",
	room-name of Open_Forest set to "In Forest",
	room-name of Other_Forest set to "In Forest",
	room-name of In_Valley set to "In A Valley",
	room-name of Outside_Grate set to "Outside Grate",
	room-name of Road_Hill set to "At Hill In Road",
	room-name of Inside_Building set to "Inside Building",
	room-name of Slit_In_Streambed set to "Slit in Streambed",
    	Other_Forest mapped south of Open_Forest,
     	Open_Forest mapped east of In_Valley, 
	rubric "Kentucky" size 24 font "PRNumber3" at 0&100 from End_Of_Road,
	[Limbo]
	room-name-font of Metaphysics set to "Zapfino",
	room-colour of Metaphysics set to "Powder Blue",
	room-name-size of Metaphysics set to 10,
    [	Rubric "Limbo" size 16 font "Zapfino" at 0&-100 from Limbo, ]
	[Mantua]
	[For some reason the map-maker craps itself unless we spell out layout very explicitly]
	room-name-font of Mantua set to "Cochin",
	room-colour of Mantua_outdoors set to "Light Green",
	room-colour of Mantua_cave set to "Khaki",
	room-name of Inside_the_Cavern set to "Cavern",
	room-name of Cavern_Mouth set to "Cavern Mouth",
	room-colour of Mantua_indoors set to "Bisque",
	room-colour of Mantua_cellars set to "Gainsboro",
	room-name of Villa Atrium set to "Atrium",
	rubric "Mantua" size 30 font "Cochin" at 0&-100 from Cavern_Mouth,
	[Eternity]
	room-name-font of Eternity set to "Zapfino",
	room-name-size of Eternity set to 6,
	room-colour of Eternity set to "Powder Blue",
	rubric "Eternity" size 20 font "Zapfino" at 0&100 from Pumpkin Patch.
	
Book Three - "Stiffyiana"

Part One - "Conversation"

Chatted_up is a kind of value.  The chatted_ups are conversed and unconversed.  A person has a chatted_up.  A person is usually unconversed.
Fair_warning is a kind of value.  The fair_warnings are warned_about and not_warned_about.  A thing has a fair_warning.  A thing is usually not_warned_about.  A room has a fair_warning.  A room is usually not_warned_about.  A person has a fair_warning.  A person is usually not_warned_about.

Definition: a person is other if it is not the player.

A person has a table-name called conversation.  A person has a text called default reply.  The conversation of a person is the Table of Empty Chatter.  The default reply of a person is "'I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about.'"

Check asking someone about something:
	if the noun is the player, instead say "Talking to yourself is said to be a sign of impending mental collapse[71 as a reference].";	
	now the noun is conversed;
	let the source be the conversation of the noun; 
	if topic understood is a topic listed in source and the noun is speakable
	begin; 
		if there is a turn stamp entry and the turn stamp entry is not -1 
		begin; 
			say "[The noun] has already told you that [summary entry]."; 
		otherwise; 
			now turn stamp entry is the turn count; 
			say "[reply entry][paragraph break]"; 
		end if; 
		if the first_conversation is not_warned_about
		begin;
			now the first_conversation is warned_about;
			say "[bracket]";
			say " At any point you can review conversations you have had with the RECAP command. ";
			say "[close bracket]";
			say "[paragraph break]";
		end if;
	otherwise; 
		say "[The default reply of the noun][paragraph break]"; 
	end if;
	stop the action.
	
Understand "recap" or "recap conversation" or "recap conversations" as recalling conversations.

Recalling conversations is an action applying to nothing.

Carry out recalling conversations: 
    let conversants be 0;
    repeat with speaker running through other people
    begin; 
        if the speaker is conversed and the speaker is speakable
        begin;
            let conversants be 1;
            let source be the conversation of the speaker; 
            sort source in turn stamp order; 
            say "You have learned from [the speaker]: [line break]"; 
            let index be 0; 
            repeat through source 
            begin; 
                if there is a turn stamp entry and the turn stamp entry is not -1
                begin; 
                    let index be 1; 
                    say " [summary entry][line break]"; 
                end if; 
            end repeat; 
            if index is 0, say " nothing of any use[line break]"; 
            say paragraph break;
            end if; 
    end repeat;
    If conversants is 0, say "You have not had any meaningful conversations so far.[paragraph break]".

Table of Empty Chatter 
discourse	reply	summary	turn stamp
a thing	text	text	a number

	
Part Two - "Footnotes"

Table of Footnotes
assignment	note
a number	"'Fulminator'[emdash]a traditional epithet of Jupiter[emdash]in the original."
--	"The Curia Hostilia burned in 52 BC; Julius Caesar started its renovation, but the Curia Julia (named in his honor) was not completed until 29 BC during the reign of Augustus.  I hope you now feel better-educated."
--	"My hearfelt thanks to Professor Michael Maas of Rice University for locating this reference for me."
--	"This is a rather loose translation from the original."
--	"Lucius Macanus Mentula, to be pedantic about it."
--	"Even, indeed, this one."
--	"The Roman toga was a rough semicircle of fabric nearly six yards long and two yards wide at its widest point.  The artist isn't [italic type]just[roman type] being a dick about your weight."
--	"Oh, all right.  Flews are the droopy part of a dog's lips, back towards the ears.  Saliva usually pools there.  Dogs with prominent flews tend to collect lots of drool in them.  Do you feel better-informed now?"
--	"Yes, of course gin was unknown to the Romans.  However, Madame Sosostris is a famous clairvoyante, and can forsee the future, so obviously [italic type]she[roman type] knows about gin.  Martinis too.  Nice going, Chuckie.  Who's the bigger lame-o now?  You or me[30 as a reference]?"
--	"But you already knew that, right?"
--	"Sweeny knows the future, of course: the dead do.  Just see Book Six of [italic type]The Aeneid[roman type].  The surprising thing is that Sweeny reads Borges.  Maybe it's Buenos Airean civic pride.  Didn't know Sweeny was Argentinian?[paragraph break][italic type]The circles of the stormy moon[line break]Slide westward toward the River Plate[line break]Death and the Raven drift above[line break]And Sweeny guards the hornéd gate[roman type][39 as a reference]."
--	"Really, Polymnia is the muse of lyrical poetry, but painting is usually counted as part of her portfolio too."
--	"For those of you keeping score at home, Eliot is here quoting the [italic type]Aeneid[roman type],I.726."
--	"Abeona protects children leaving home."

[Continuing at 15]

Table of Footnotes (Continued)
assignment	note
--	"Vertumnus is the patron of gardens and fruit trees."
--	"Sterculius is the god of manuring."
--	"Gallio Macanus Gallus, if you were wondering."
--	"You are now one small step closer to being the very model of a modern major-general."
--	"Cloacina is the goddess of sewers."

[ at 20 ]

Table of Footnotes (Continued)
assignment	note
--	"Cardea is the goddess of door hinges[21 as a footnote]."
--	"Seriously."
--	"OK, I admit it.  This puzzle design is stolen from Rich Reid[apostrophe]s 'Fluffy Goes Down The Drain' in [italic type]Castle Greyhawk[roman type]."
--	"Gaius Norbanus Flaccus became consul in 38 BC, by the way."
--	"A note to our younger readers: way back in ancient times, there was no Google, and there was no Wikipedia, and if you wanted to find something out, you actually had to go to this place called a 'library', where there were lots of books[emdash]remember those?[emdash]and ask a special kind of sage who worked there called a 'librarian' for help finding out what you wanted to know.  Unthinkable, isn[apostrophe]t it?"

[at 25]

Table of Footnotes (Continued)
assignment	note
--	"The [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] is actually a [italic type]corbita[roman type], workhorse of the Roman merchant fleet.  At 80 feet, she's on the small side, with a capacity of roughly 150 tons, or 3,000 [italic type]amphorae[roman type].  She is steered with a pair of steering oars, is built with mortise-and-tenon construction, and has a single mast, rigged with square sails."
--	"Socrates[apostrophe] last words, famously, were 'Sacrifice a cock to Asclepius.'  Now, while generations of philosophers have pretended that this is some sort of high-minded reference to his passage into the world of Platonic Forms, really it was just a crude pun: hemlock, while it's killing you, gives you an erection.  The joke means exactly the same thing it would in English.  Now you know, and knowing is half the battle."
--	"The Greeks and Romans very likely actually did treat gonorrhea with cannabis.  See, for instance, Luigi Arata's 'Nepenthes and Cannabis in Ancient Greece' in [italic type]Janus Head 7/1[roman type], particularly footnote 23."
--	"Gaius Sempronius Gracchus attempted to found a [italic type]colonia[roman type] on the ruins of Carthage in 122 BCE, only 24 years after its destruction.  That attempt was basically unsuccessful, and it was not until Caesar's [italic type]Colonia Junonia[roman type] (which actually didn't really take off until after his death, and thus this characterization of the city may be a bit ahistorical) that the city regained prominence.   However, in short order it was the capital of the province of Africa.  Thus it is probably not much of a stretch to suppose that a certain amount of rebuilding and laying the groundwork for profiteering was going on prior to Caesar's plan."
--	"Please don't ask how it's possible that Stiffy, who clearly was present in Rome during Caesar's dictatorship, could also have been in the ships at Mylae with Stetson.  Maybe the author is affirming the correctness of Book X of the [italic type]Republic[roman type] and an earlier incarnation of Stiffy fought with Stetson.  Or maybe it was just too good a line and image to waste."

[at 30]

Table of Footnotes (Continued)
assignment	note
--	"Lake Avernus is a volcanic crater filled with water, which makes it an ideal protected harbor.  Julius Caesar began construction of the port here, connecting Avernus to Lake Lucrino with a canal and thence to the sea.  Cocceio's Cave was excavated to allow easy access by chariot to the war fleet housed in Avernus.  The port (Portus Julius) became fully operational in Octavian's reign.  Thus, it is probably slightly ahistorical to have Cocceio's Cave in this story, as it is likely an Augustan, not a Julian work; nevertheless, it's not badly out of place, and it's a really nifty Roman military construction, so in it stays."
--	"Or pretty much any legal-but-in-the-wrong-place-or-at-the-wrong-time command."
--	"I'm delighted that [italic type]someone[roman type] found this Spring-chicken-Easter-egg."
--	"'Mumber' is a portmanteau word, made from 'mince' and 'lumber.'  It's not an easy thing to do, unless of course you happen to be a four-hundred pound, seven-foot tall eunuch.  Then it just kind of comes naturally."
--	"Libitina is the goddess of corpses and funerals."

[at 35]

Table of Footnotes (Continued)
assignment	note
--	"Pomona is the goddess of fruit trees, gardens, and orchards."
--	"Not that Yeshua bar Yosef has been born yet, of course."
--	"Oh, no, not what you're thinking.  This is much too early for it to be [italic type]that[roman type] Miriam.  Shame on you!"
--	"The author chooses to disbelieve the allegation that Caesar put the library to the torch in his battles with Pompey."
--	"William can be seen at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York.  He's a little smaller in real life, though."

[40, baby]

Table of Footnotes (Continued)
assignment	note
--		"Puta is the goddess of tree pruning."
--		"Nehalennia is a Celtic goddess who protects travellers, especially seafarers."
--		"Yes, really."
--		"Poena is, unsurprisingly, the goddess of punishment."
--		"The Project Gutenberg translation of the [italic type]Bucolics[roman type] is used here; no translator is identified."

[at 45]

Table of Footnotes (Continued)
assignment	note
--		"Perhaps a scurrilous accusation, but attested to by Suetonius in his [italic type]Life of Vergil[roman type]."
--		"Calliope is the Muse of epic poetry, and not, in fact, the goddess of steam-driven organs."
--		"Perhaps unfortunately, 'saucy choad' is a false cognate."
--		"Say what you will about George W. Bush, you can't deny that he rehabilitated the legacies of Richard M. Nixon and Dan Quayle."
--		"I suspect you had in mind someting much nastier, resembling santorum (which might, indeed, be called 'chocolate moonmilk'); alas, your humble author has decided to play this one perfectly straight.  As it were."

[ Fifty ]

Table of Footnotes (Continued)
assignment	note
--		"Hey, you know, it's kind of odd that 'Anas' is so close to '[Anais]', isn't it?  D'ya think?....nah, couldn't be."

Footnotes mentioned is a number that varies.

To say (footnote - a number) as a footnote:
	if the current ponciness is poncy
	begin;
		if footnote > number of filled rows in the Table of Footnotes or footnote < 1
		begin;
			say "Programming error: footnote assignment out of range.";
			otherwise;
			choose row footnote in the Table of Footnotes;
			if there is no assignment entry
			begin;
				now footnotes mentioned is footnotes mentioned + 1;
				choose row footnote in the Table of Footnotes;
				now assignment entry is footnotes mentioned;
				say " [bracket]footnote [assignment entry][close bracket]";
				if footnotes mentioned is 1
				begin;
					now footnote_explained is 1;
				end if;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.

[Now, in order to let the player view these footnotes, we'll need to parse numbers.]

Understand "footnote [number]" as looking up a footnote.  Understand "note [number]" as looking up a footnote.  Understand "fn [number]" as looking up a footnote.

Looking up a footnote is an action out of world applying to one number.

Check looking up a footnote:
	if the current ponciness is not poncy, say "You must enable ponciness [bracket]PONCY ON[close bracket] before you can look up the footnotes,  you big fruit." instead;
	if the number understood > footnotes mentioned, say "You haven't seen any such footnote." instead;
	if the number understood < 1, say "Footnotes are numbered from 1." instead.

Carry out looking up a footnote:
	choose row with assignment of number understood in the Table of Footnotes;
	if the first_footnote is not_warned_about
	begin;
		 say "[bracket]To disable poncy footnotes, you can type PONCY OFF[close bracket][paragraph break]";
		now the first_footnote is warned_about;
	end if;
	say "[bracket]Footnote [assignment entry][close bracket]: [note entry][line break]"

Part Three - "References"

[fifteen of these here]

Table of References
assignment	author			work						citation
a number		"Eliot, T.S"		"The Waste Land"					"dedication"
--		"Shakespeare, William"	"The Tragedy of Julius Caesar"			"Act III, Scene 2"
--		"Shakespeare, William"	"The Tragedy of Julius Caesar"			"Act V, Scene 5"
--		"Ryan, Mark"		"The Incredible Erotic Adventures of Stiffy Makane"	"EXAMINE STIFFY"
--		"Ryan, Mark"		"The Incredible Erotic Adventures of Stiffy Makane"	"DROP STIFFY"
--		"Ogden, C.K. and Ian Richards"	"The Meaning of Meaning"			"(citation unknown)"
--		"Muckenhaupt, Carl"	"The Gostak"					"[italic type]passim[roman type]"
--		"Wolfe, Gene"		"The Sword of the Lictor"				"Chapter XXXVII, [italic type]Terminus Est[roman type]"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"					"I.55"
--		"[o-stroke]rberg, Hans H."		"Lingua Latina"					"Chapter 3"
--		"Wilson, Robert Anton and Robert Shea"	"The Eye in the Pyramid"		"Book 2, pp. 208-209"
--		"Mitchelhill, James"		"Kallisti"						"EXAMINE APPLE"
--		"The Nethack Development Team"	"Nethack"					"3.4.3, prayer.c"
--		"Blank, Marc and David P. Lebling"	"Zork I"					"entering a dark area"
--		"Wiess College, Rice University"	"Night of Decadence"			"[italic type]passim[roman type]"

[Continued table starts at Reference 16]

Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work			citation
--		"Blank, Mark and David P. Lebling"	"Zork I"		"the Land of the Dead"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"[daytime_citation]"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"I.63"
--		"Waits, Tom"		"Rain Dogs"		"'Downtown Train'"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"I.70"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"I.74-5"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"III.243-6"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"III.228-9"
--		"Rowson, Martin"		"The Waste Land"		"III.65"
--		"Blank, Mark and David P. Lebling"	"Zork I"		"SMELL SACK"
--		"Lehrer, Tom"		"Tom Lehrer Revisited"	"I Wanna Go Back To Dixie"
--		"Ryan, Mark"		"The Incredible Erotic Adventures of Stiffy Makane"	"TOUCH BREASTS"
--		"Ryan, Mark"		"The Incredible Erotic Adventures of Stiffy Makane"	"FUCK HOOTERS"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"II.115-116"
--		"Amateau, Rodney"		"High School U.S.A."		"Archie Feld to Chuckie Dipple"
--		"Romero, John"		"Doom"			"E3M2"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"Sweeny Among the Nightingales"	"35-40"
--		"Wayne, Jon"		"Texas Funeral"		"'Texas Jail Cell'"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"V.391"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"Sweeny Among the Nightingales"	"1-4"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"Sweeny Among the Nightingales"	"8"
--		"Granade, Stephen"		"Losing Your Grip"	"after first move"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"V.331"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"Sweeny Among the Nightingales"	"5-8"


[Continued table starts at Reference 40]

Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work			citation
--		"Crowther, Will and Don Woods"	"Adventure"	"beginning[10 as a footnote]"
--		"Suetonius"	"Lives of the Twelve Caesars"	"Julius.LII (attributed to Curio the Elder)"
--		"Dickey, James"	"Deliverance"	"September 14"
--		"Wayne, Jon"	"Texas Funeral"	"'Is That Justice?'"
--		"Eliot, T.S."	"The Waste Land"	"II.91-93[13 as a footnote]"
--		"Catullus"	"Poems"		"II.11-13"
--		"Catullus"	"Poems"		"LIX.1-5"
--		"Catullus"	"Poems"		"CV.1-2"
--		"Catullus"	"Poems"		"XCIV.1-2"
--		"Catullus"	"Poems"		"V.7-9"

[p. 75 of the Delta 1994 trade paperback, for Deliverance]

[ So, that's 49 in total so far]
[starting at fifty]

Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work		citation
--		"Rowson, Martin"	"The Waste Land"	"I.31"
--		"Anthony, Piers"	"In the Barn"	"collected in Harlan Ellison, [italic type]Again, Dangerous Visions[roman type], p. 409"
--		"Aristophanes"	"Frogs"		"Croaking Chorus[18 as a footnote]"
--		"Tolkien, J.R.R."	"The Lord of the Rings"	"Book IV, Chapter 9: Shelob[apostrophe]s Lair"
--		"Gygax, Gary"	"Monster Manual"		"Demon (Juiblex)"
--		"Blank, Marc and David P. Lebling"	"Zork I"	"READ BOOK"
--		"Eliot, T.S."	"The Waste Land"	"III.307-308"
--		"Eliot, T.S."	"The Waste Land"	"IV.312"
--		"Eliot, T.S."	"The Waste Land"	"IV.321"
--		"Eliot, T.S."	"The Waste Land"	"II.125"

[59 to here]
[sixty--go!]

Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work		citation
--		"Shakespeare, William"	"The Tempest"	"Act I, Scene II, l. 398"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"	"I.47-55"
--		"Coen, Ethan and Joel Coen"	"The Big Lebowski"	"The Dude"
--		"Vergil"			"Aeneid"		"VI.126-129"
--		"Blank, Mark and David P. Lebling"	"Zork I"	"KILL MYSELF WITH HANDS"
--		"Adams, Scott"		"Adventureland"	"GET MUD[31 as a footnote] (on first turn)"
--		"Waits, Tom"		"Alice"		"'Hang Me In The Bottle'"
--		"Shakespeare, William"	"Much Ado About Nothing"	"Act I, Scene I, l,. 259"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"	"Epigraph"
--		"Petronius"		"Satyricon"	"XLVIII"

[Sixty-nine]
[seventy]
Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work		citation
--		"Nabokov, Vladimir"	"Lolita"		"Part Two, Chapter 23"
--		"Blank, Mark and David P. Lebling"	"Zork I"	"TALK TO MYSELF"
--		"Van Lente, Fred and Ryan Dunlavey"	"Action Philosophers #1"	"Panel 1"
--		"Pratchett, Terry"		"The Discworld Saga"	"C.M.O.T. Dibbler, [italic type]passim[roman type]"
--		"Blank, Marc and David P. Lebling"	"Zork I"	"XYZZY"

[seventy-four]
[seventy-five]
Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work			citation
--		"Callaci, Irene"		"Dangerous Curves"	"ASK LIBRARIAN ABOUT DATE"
--		"Blank, Marc and David P. Lebling"	"Zork I"		"Skeleton in maze west of Troll Room"
--		"Ted Bates Ad Agency"	"Palmolive"		"Jan Miner in 'Madge the Manicurist' ad spots, 1966-1992, [italic type]passim[roman type]"
--		"The Velvet Underground and Nico"	"The Velvet Underground and Nico"	"Venus in Furs"
--		"Clayton Williams"		"1990 Texas Gubernatorial Race"	"a joke comparing bad weather to rape[43 as a footnote]"

[seventy-nine]
[eighty]
Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work			citation
--		"Granade, Stephen"		"Child's Play"		"SEARCH DIAPER"
--		"Eliot, T.S."		"The Waste Land"		"I.5-7"
--		"Rowson, Martin"		"The Waste Land"		"note for I.2"
--		"Page, Jimmy and Robert Plant"	"Led Zeppelin IV"	"'Stairway to Heaven'"
--		"Smith, Kevin"		"Clerks II"		"Becky to Dante"

[eighty-four]
[eighty-five]
Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work			citation
--		"Paul Weitz"		"American Pie"		"Michelle to Jim"
--		"Victor Fleming"		"The Wizard of Oz"		"Wicked Witch of the West to Dorothy"
--		"The Nethack Development Team"	"Nethack"		"3.4.3, prayer.c: 1291-1294"
--		"DeYoung, Dennis"		"The Grand Illusion"	"'Come Sail Away'"
--		"Quentin Tarantino"	"Pulp Fiction"		"Captain Koons to young Butch"

[eighty-nine]
[ninety]
Table of References (Continued)
assignment	author			work			citation
--		"Rob Reiner"		"The Princess Bride"	"Miracle Max to Inigo Montoya, Fezzick, and Westley"


References mentioned is a number that varies.

To say (reference - a number) as a reference:
	if the current referentiality is referential
	begin;
		if reference > number of filled rows in the Table of References
		begin;
			say "Programming error: reference assignment out of range.";
			otherwise;
			choose row reference in the Table of References;
			if there is no assignment entry
			begin;
				now references mentioned is references mentioned + 1;
				choose row reference in the Table of References;
				now assignment entry is references mentioned;
				say " [bracket]reference [assignment entry][close bracket]";
				if references mentioned is 1
				begin;
					now reference_explained is 1;
				end if;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.

Understand "reference [number]" as looking up a reference.  Understand "ref [number]" as looking up a reference.

Looking up a reference is an action out of world applying to one number.

Check looking up a reference:
	if the current referentiality is not referential, say "You must enable references [bracket]BIBLIOGRAPHY ON[close bracket] before you can look up the references." instead;
	if the number understood > references mentioned, say "You haven't seen any such reference." instead;
	if the number understood < 1, say "References are numbered from 1." instead.

Carry out looking up a reference:
	choose row with assignment of number understood in the Table of References;
	if the first_reference is not_warned_about
	begin;
		say "[bracket]You can disable bibliographic references with BIBLIOGRAPHY OFF[close bracket][paragraph break]";
		now the first_reference is warned_about;
	end if;
	say "[bracket]Reference [assignment entry][close bracket]: [author entry]. [italic type][work entry][roman type], [citation entry]."


Part Four - "Scoring"

To record (T - text) as achieved:
	choose row with a citation of T in the Table of Conquests;
	if there is no turn entry begin;
		now turn entry is the turn count;
		increment the score;
	end if.

Table of Conquests
Citation		turn
"Julius Caesar"	a number
"Julia"		--
"the Golden Apple"	--
"Festus"		--
"Gaius Norbanus Flaccus"	--
"Archie"		--
"Dr. Nick"		--
"Mr. Eugenides"	--
"Cleopatra"	--
"Alexander the Great's corpse"	--
"Rachel"		--
"a muskmelon"	--
"an effeminate Greek pirate"	--
"the Druidic priestess"	--	 
"Tiresias"		--
"Persephone"	--
"Ulpia"		--
"Trivia"		--

	
[* Note the appearance of the AD&D v1 Wandering Harlot Table here with the haughty courtesan, the saucy tart,  the wanton wench, the slovenly trull, and the brazen strumpet ]

Table of Erisian Conquests
adjective				occupation 		appelation 			location								adjective-in-use	occupation-in-use	appelation-in-use	location-in-use
"an enthusiastic if unskilled"		"goatherd"		"called Xanthippos"			"atop a moss-grown abandoned altar in a forest"				false		false		false		false
"a haughty"			"courtesan"		"named Gygaxia"			"on Level [a random number between 1 and 38] of the Dungeons Of Dread"	false		false		false		false
"a drunken"			"satyr"			"whose name you never learned"	"in a rowboat on a pond"						false		false		false		false
"a red-faced and enraged"		"noble"			"too overawed to speak"		"in the town square in broad daylight"					false		false		false		false
"a meek"				"wandering musician"	"with a heart of gold"		"in the moonlight"							false		false		false		false
"a saucy"				"tart"			"from Clan Bledsaw"		"in an arctic wasteland"						false		false		false		false
"a wanton"			"wench"			"named Hargrave"			"in the western reaches of Arduin"					false		false		false		false
"a fumblingly amorous"		"boar hunter"		"with no name"			"in a stone tower by the sea"						false		false		false		false
"a dizzyingly proficient"		"minor deity"		"of House Arneson"			"in a cold and fast-running stream"					false		false		false		false
"a slovenly"			"trull"			"named Glaucon"			"behind an overturned tavern table"					false		false		false		false
"a brazen"			"strumpet"		"by the name of Lydia"		"in the muck of a pig-pen"						false		false		false		false			
"an extravagantly tattooed"		"gigolo"			"from Moldavia"			"on a bed of linden leaves"						false		false		false		false
"a loutish and unwashed"		"lesser godling"		"inauspiciously named Smegmathos"	"high up in a ship's rigging"						false		false		false		false
"a terrifying yet sexy"		"Bthuvian Demon Whore"	"who remained anonymous"		"in a Pleasure Prison"						false		false		false		false
"a forgetful"			"survivor of Plataea"	"called Latro"			"in a spooky graveyard"						false		false		false		false
"a cynical"			"freed slave"		"with a mysterious past"		"on the slopes of Mt. Etna"						false		false		false		false				

The global_rows_erisian_conquest_table_used is a number that varies.  The global_rows_erisian_conquest_table_used is 0.
	
The fancy announce the score rule is listed instead of the announce the score rule in the carry out requesting the score rulebook.
	
The endgame summarize score rule is listed instead of the print final score rule in for printing the player's obituary.
	
Understand "full" or "full score" as requesting the score.  The endgame score flag is a number that varies.  The endgame score flag is 0.

This is the endgame summarize score rule:
	now the endgame score flag is 1;
	consider the fancy announce the score rule.
	
This is the fancy announce the score rule:
	if scenery_argus is boinked, now the endgame score flag is 1;
	let S be possible-points-by-summit + 1;
	let R be the score;
	if R > S, now R is S;
	if the player is Stiffy Makane
	begin;
		if the location is the Lake or the location is the Battlement and the story has not ended
		begin;
			say "Now is not, in fact, the time to reminisce about your past conquests, many and varied though they be.";
		otherwise;
		say "[if scenery_argus is boinked]During your mortal life, y[otherwise]Y[end if]ou [run paragraph on]";
			if the score is 0
			begin;
				 say "[if the endgame score flag is 1]did not score[otherwise]have not scored[end if] with anyone."; 
			otherwise;
				if the score is 1
				begin;
					say "[if the endgame score flag is 0]have [end if]scored once: [run paragraph on]";
				otherwise;
					say "[if the endgame score flag is 0]have [end if]scored a total of [the score in words] times: [run paragraph on]";
				end if;
				let N be 0;
				repeat through the Table of Conquests in turn order 
				begin;
					increase N by 1;
					if N is R and N > 1
					begin;
						say "and [run paragraph on]";
					end if;
					say "with [citation entry]";
					if N is less than R, say ", [run paragraph on]";
				end repeat;
				say ".";	
			end if;
			if scenery_argus is boinked
			begin;
				say "[line break]And then of course there was Argus, in a category of his own.";
			end if;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		if the player is Eris
		begin;
			say "Your lovers have been so many and varied that it's hopeless to try to recall them all.  Some particularly memorable ones: [run paragraph on]";
			if Argus is boinked
			begin;
				say "Argus, Argus, Argus, Argus, and Argus.";
			otherwise;
				repeat with M running from 1 to 5
				begin;
					let T be true;
					while T is true
					begin;
						choose a random row from the Table of Erisian Conquests;
						let T be the adjective-in-use entry;
					end while;
					say "[adjective entry] [run paragraph on]";
					now the adjective-in-use entry is true;
					let T be true;
					while T is true
					begin;
						choose a random row from the Table of Erisian Conquests;
						let T be the occupation-in-use entry;
					end while;
					now the occupation-in-use entry is true;
					say "[occupation entry] [run paragraph on]";
					let T be true;
					while T is true
					begin;
						choose a random row from the Table of Erisian Conquests;
						let T be the appelation-in-use entry;
					end while;
					now the appelation-in-use entry is true;
					say "[appelation entry] [run paragraph on]";
					let T be true;
					while T is true
					begin;
						choose a random row from the Table of Erisian Conquests;
						let T be the location-in-use entry;
					end while;
					now the location-in-use entry is true;
					say "[location entry][run paragraph on]";
					increase global_rows_erisian_conquest_table_used by 1;
					if global_rows_erisian_conquest_table_used is the number of rows in the Table of Erisian Conquests
					begin;
						repeat through the Table of Erisian Conquests
						begin;
							now the adjective-in-use entry is false;
							now the occupation-in-use entry is false;
							now the appelation-in-use entry is false;
							now the location-in-use entry is false;
						end repeat;
						now global_rows_erisian_conquest_table_used is 0;
					end if;	
					if M < 5, say ", [run paragraph on]";
					if M is 4, say "and [run paragraph on]";
				end repeat;
				say ".";
			end if;
		end if;
		if the player is a pumpkin
		begin;
			let M be the mortal score;
			say "During your mortal life, you scored a total of [M] times: [run paragraph on]";
			let N be 0;
			repeat through the Table of Conquests in turn order 
			begin;
				increase N by 1;
				if N is M and N > 1
				begin;
					say "and [run paragraph on]";
				end if;
				say "with [citation entry]";
				if N is less than M, say ", [run paragraph on]";
			end repeat;
			say ".";	
			let D be the score - M;
			decrement D;
			say "[line break]And then of course there was Argus, in a category of his own.[paragraph break]Finally, while you were an immortal pumpkin, you scored [D] more times.";
		end if;
	end if.

Part Five - "Language"

Chapter One - "An ugly hack"

Before doing anything:
	if the second noun is a person and the noun is not the player
	begin;
		let P be the second noun;
		if P is a woman, forcibly set the female pronoun from P;
		if P is a man, forcibly set the male pronoun from P;
		if P is neuter, forcibly set the neuter pronoun from P;
	end if;
	if the noun is a person and the noun is not the player
	begin;
		let P be the noun;
		if P is a woman, forcibly set the female pronoun from P;
		if P is a man, forcibly set the male pronoun from P;
		if P is neuter, forcibly set the neuter pronoun from P;
	end if;
	continue the action.

This is the forcibly set the personal pronoun from multiple object lists rule:
	let CI be the current item from the multiple object list;
	if CI is a person
	begin;
		if CI is a woman, forcibly set the female pronoun from CI;
		if CI is a man, forcibly set the male pronoun from CI;
		if CI is neuter, forcibly set the neuter pronoun from CI;
	end if;
	continue the activity.
	
The forcibly set the personal pronoun from multiple object lists rule is listed after the set pronouns from items from multiple object lists rule in the action-processing rules.

For printing a locale paragraph about a thing (called the item) (this is the forcibly set the personal pronoun from items in room descriptions rule):
	if the item is a person
	begin;
		if the item is a woman, forcibly set the female pronoun from the item;
		if the item is male, forcibly set the male pronoun from the item;
		if the item is neuter, forcibly set the neuter pronoun from the item;
	end if;
	continue the activity.
	
For printing a locale paragraph about a thing (called the item) (this is the forcibly set personal pronoun from items on supporters rule):
	if the item is a supporter and the item does not enclose the player
	begin;
		repeat with the possibility running through things on the item
		begin;
			if the possibility is a woman, forcibly set the female pronoun from the possibility;
			if the possibility is a man, forcibly set the male pronoun from the possibility;
			if the possibility is a neuter animal, forcibly set the neuter pronoun from the possibility;
		end repeat;
	end if;
	continue the activity.
	
To really have the parser notice (O - an object):
	have the parser notice O;
	if O is a woman, forcibly set the female pronoun from O;
	if O is a man, forcibly set the male pronoun from O;
	if O is a neuter animal, forcibly set the neuter pronoun from O.
	
To forcibly set the female pronoun from (O - an object):
	(- (SetPronoun('her', {O} ) ); -).
	
To forcibly set the male pronoun from (O - an object):
	(- (SetPronoun('him', {O} ) ); -).
	
To forcibly set the neuter pronoun from (O - an object):
	(- (SetPronoun('it', {O} ) ); -).

Chapter Two - "Limiting 'all'"

Rule for deciding whether all includes the player: it does not. 

Chapter Three - "New Commands"	

Understand the command "poncy" as something new.  Understand "poncy" as setting_poncy.  Understand "poncy on" as setting_poncy.  Understand "poncy off" as unsetting_poncy.  Understand "unponcy" as unsetting_poncy.
Setting_poncy is an action out of world applying to nothing.  Report setting_poncy:
	Now the current ponciness is poncy;
	say "Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis is now in its 'unbearably poncy' mode, which has a distressing tendency to lard even the most apparently innocent sentences [6 as a footnote] with irrelevant and tweedy footnotes, as well as suggesting possibly-perilous courses of hermeneutic adventure."
Unsetting_poncy is an action out of world applying to nothing.  Report unsetting_poncy:
	Now the current ponciness is philistinic;
	Say "Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis now displays merely quotidian ponciness."
	
Understand the command "bibliography" as something new.  Understand "bibliography" as setting_bibliography.  Understand "bibliography on" as setting_bibliography.  Understand "bibliography off" as unsetting_bibliography.  
Setting_bibliography is an action out of world applying to nothing.  Report setting_bibliography:
	Now the current referentiality is referential;
	say "Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis will now display intertextual references."
Unsetting_bibliography is an action out of world applying to nothing.  Report unsetting_bibliography:
	Now the current referentiality is mum;
	Say "Stiffy Makane: Apocolocyntosis now embraces unattributed plagiarism." 

Understand the command "feed" as something new.  Understand "feed [something preferably held] to [something]" as feeding it to.  Understand "feed [something] [something preferably held]" as feeding it to (with nouns reversed).
Feeding it to is an action applying to two things.
Carry out feeding it to:
	if the second noun is not a person, instead try inserting the noun into the second noun;
	if the second noun is the player, instead try eating the noun;
	instead try giving the noun to the second noun.

Understand "arise" as arising.  Understand "rise" as arising.
Arising is an action applying to nothing.
Report arising:
	if the player is not the pumpkin
	begin;
		say "That's not a verb I recognize.";
		stop the action;
	otherwise;
		if the player is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "Can't do that...yet[65 as a reference]!";
			stop the action;
		otherwise;
			if the player is boinked
			begin;
				say "You have missed your opportunity.";
				stop the action;
			otherwise;
				say "Majestically, you rise from the Van Pelt pumpkin patch, lambent with a hellfire-orange glow.  Your gruesome visage fills[emdash]or so it seems to your terrified worshippers[emdash]half the sky, and they prostrate themselves before you, grovelling in the vines.  Your shell splits horribly in a toothy grin, your razor-sharp fangs dripping venom.  Your two eye sockets rip open, revealing the burning coals of hatred within.  A deep, shrieking, ululating cackle erupts from somewhere within your unspeakable vegetal bowels, as, at long last, the milennia-old curse melts from you, and your ability to act suddenly returns.  You wheel in the sky, glaring towards the horizon, as your thoughts turn to Olympus....and revenge.";
				end the story finally saying "APOCOLOCYNTOSIS";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.

Understand "credits" as rolling-the-credits.
Rolling-the-credits is an action applying to nothing.
Report rolling-the-credits:
	say "[credits]";
	
To say credits:
	say "[italic type]Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis[roman type] would not have been possible without the help of my playtesters.  The first wave:[paragraph break]";
	say "Marnie Parker, Robb Sherwin, Gin Rosenkranz, Amy Horton, Tracy Jo Barnwell, Andrew Plotkin, Tomasz Pudlo, and S. John Ross.[paragraph break]";
	say "The second wave:[paragraph break]";
	say "Jonathan Goodwin, Martin McGreal, Mark Oates, and Jason Warchol.";
	say "[paragraph break]Enormous thanks are due to Amy Horton, my long-suffering wife, who has put up with a lot in the course of this game's development.[paragraph break]";
	say "[italic type]In Memoriam[roman type][line break]";
	say "Gin Rosenkranz[line break]";
	say "Vinnie[line break]".
	
This is the fancy rolling the credits rule:
	say "[credits]";
	
To say walkthrough:
	say "jump. z. z. z. z. n. remove toga. fuck caesar. wear toga. n. get bag. s. s. e. e. e. give bag. give coin. w. n. give mask. s. w. w. w. w. blow nose. e. e. s. s. remove toga. fuck apple. e. n. remove toga. ask cocky about ring. n. s. ask festus about ring. n. z. n. d. e. n. w. w. get key. e. e. e. s. s. w. w. w. unlock grate with key. n. ask glub about ring. s. w. wear toga. u. e. e. n. n. n. n. put token in toilet. g. get ring. wear ring. s. s. s. s. w. w. ask palinurus about carthage.  d. n. remove toga. fuck archie. wear toga. s. e. ask palinurus about carthage. d. w. s. remove toga. sit on table. show cock to doctor. get up. wear toga. n. e . n. n. e. e. ask madame about fortune. ask madame about secret. w. x gate. touch raven. touch vulture. touch crab. touch worm. n. search tombs. get weed. s. s. s. w. s. give weed. remove toga. sit on table. show cock to doctor. e. e. ask palinurus about judaea. d. e. n. s. remove toga. fuck rachel. wear toga. get coin. get mezuzah. n. e. give coin. w. w. s. s. buy disguise. get disguise. n. n. w. wear beard. wear tallis. ask palinurus about syracuse. remove toga. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. w. w. w. w. s. w. w. get machete. w. s. cut cane. get cane. n. w. n. n. give cane. s. s. e. get coconut. w. n. n. n. e. wear toga. n. remove beard. remove tallis. remove signet ring. give coconut. e. e. remove toga. take banana. z. z. jump. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. ask palinurus about jaffa. d. e. s. put banana on block. get banana. n. w. w. ask palinurus about syracuse. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. push oar. pull oar. push oar. pull oar. push oar. pull oar. push oar. pull oar. push oar. pull oar. pull oar. push oar. pull oar. push oar. pull oar. jump. z. z. z. z. take stiffy. put stiffy on board. fuck argus. put stiffy on hades. n. n. w. x old man. taste sausage. e. show sausage to dog. s. w. e. get umbrella. n. e. get bone. w. n. w. give umbrella. e. n. give bone. enter skiff. w. give wine. get vinegar. e. n. n. pour vinegar on tree. get olive. s. s. enter skiff. s. s. e. n. give olive. s. w. n. n. enter skiff. get wineskin. n. give wineskin to sweeny. e. e. e. s. get chestnuts. n. e. get duckweed. w. n. e. e. s. ask chef about lunch. get call. e. s. remove toga. remove tunic. fuck maid. ask maid about key. get key. n. unlock door with key. open door. e. e. search moonmilk. eat moonmilk. get wine. w. w. w. give wine to chef. give chestnuts to chef. n. w. w. blow call. ask duck about curse. give duckweed to anas. e. e. s. e. s. w. w. ask palinurus about thessalonica. d. w. get cloak. wear it. w. get blade. cut tree. get stick. w. n. n. w. n. e. give banana to eris. w. w. ask anas about banana. e. n. ask caesar about banana. wear glasses. n. fuck argus with banana. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. z. arise."
	
[ 421 commands; close to minimal, if not exactly minimal; contains at least three extraneous moves to open the cemetery gates. ]
	
Spoiled walkthrough is a number that varies.  Spoiled walkthrough is 0.
Understand "walkthrough" as requesting the walkthrough.
Requesting the walkthrough is an action out of world applying to nothing.
Carry out requesting the walkthrough:
	if spoiled walkthrough is 0
	begin;
		now spoiled walkthrough is 1;
		say "Are you sure you want to do that?  Repeat the command if you really want to spoil the game with the walkthrough.";
	otherwise;
		say "Here is the minimal walkthrough for [italic type]Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis[roman type]:[paragraph break]";
		say "[walkthrough]";
	end if.

Understand "leap" as jumping.
Understand the command "dive" as something new.
Understand "dive" as diving.  Understand "dive into [something]" as diving into.  Understand "dive in [something]" as diving into.
Understand "jump into [something]" as jumping into.  Understand "jump in [something]" as jumping into. 
Understand "leap into [something]" as jumping into.  Understand "leap in [something]" as jumping into. 
Understand "jump over [something]" as jumping over.  Understand "jump [something]" as jumping over.
Understand "leap over [something]" as jumping over.  Understand "leap [something]" as jumping over.

Understand "join [something] to [something]" as putting it on.  Understand "join [something] with [something]" as putting it on. 

Understand "reach into [something]" as searching.
Understand "put hand in/into [something]" as searching.
Check searching a person:
	if no garment is worn by the noun
	begin;
		say "It seems unlikely that  [the noun] wants to be frisked.";
	otherwise;
		let G be a random garment worn by the noun;
		say "Although there could be something hidden under [the G], it is unlikely that [the noun] wants to be frisked.";
	end if;
	stop the action.
	
Understand "put [something preferably held] on" as wearing.

Exiting something is an action applying to one thing.
Understand "exit [something]" as exiting something.  Understand "get out of [something]" as exiting something.
Carry out exiting something:
	if the noun contains the player, instead try exiting;
	say "You don't seem to be in [the noun], so exiting it makes no sense."

Understand the command "earn" as something new.  Understand "earn [something]" as earning.
Earning is an action applying to one thing.  Report earning:
	say "You will have to be more specific about how you want to earn [the noun]."

Diving is an action applying to nothing.  Report diving:
	say "Dive into what, exactly?"
Diving into is an action applying to one thing.  Report diving into:
	say "It is not clear how you would dive into [the noun]."

Jumping into is an action applying to one thing.  Report jumping into:
	say "It is not clear how you would jump into [the noun]."

Jumping over is an action applying to one thing.  Report jumping over:
	if the noun is not a direction, instead say "It is not clear how you would jump over [the noun].";
	if the location is a water_room, instead say "A porpoise you are not.";
	say "In general, if you can't walk [noun], you can't jump there either, and if you can walk there, then jumping there makes you look like an idiot."
	
Understand the command "undress" as something new.
Understand the command "disrobe" as something new.
Understand "undress" as stripping_down.  Understand "disrobe" as stripping_down.
Understand "undress for the occasion" as stripping_down.
Stripping_down is an action applying to nothing.  Carry out stripping_down:
	If no garment is worn by the player, instead say "You are already unclothed.";
	repeat with G running through the garments worn by the player 
	begin;
		try taking off G;
		if G is worn, stop the action;
	end repeat.
	
Understand "undress [someone]" as stripping_off.  Understand "disrobe [someone]" as stripping_off.
Stripping_off is an action applying to one thing.  Carry out stripping_off:
	if no garment is worn by the noun, instead say "[The noun] is not wearing anything to begin with.";
	repeat with G running through the garments worn by the noun
	begin;
		try taking G;
		if G is worn by the noun, stop the action;
	end repeat.
	
Understand "consider [something]" as examining.  [* I just want "consider Phlebas" to work. ]
Understand "munch [something]" as tasting.  [* Ditto for "munch rug" ]
	
Understand "dress" as wearing_stuff.
Wearing_stuff is an action applying to nothing.  Carry out wearing_stuff:
	If no garment is held by the player, instead say "You aren't carrying any garments to wear.";
	repeat with G running through the garments held by the player
	begin;
		try wearing G;
		stop the action;
	end repeat.
	
After wearing something:
	if the noun is a garment and the noun is filthy
	begin;
		say "[if the player is filthy]You are already filthy, so putting on [the noun] doesn't get you any dirtier, anyway[otherwise]As [the noun] is filthy, so too now are you[end if].";
		now the player is filthy;
	end if;
	if the player is filthy and the noun is a garment and the noun is not filthy
	begin;
		say "As you put on [the noun], you get it thoroughly filthy.";
		now the noun is filthy;
	end if;
	if the noun is a garment and the player is Stiffy Makane
	begin;
		remove the stiffycock from play;
		remove the greenish pus from play;
	end if;
	continue the action.
	
After taking off something:
	if no garment is worn by the player and the player is Stiffy Makane, move the stiffycock to the player;
	if the stiffycock is diseased, now the greenish pus is part of Stiffy Makane;
	continue the action.

Understand the command "kiss" as something new.
Understand "kiss [something]" as kissing.  Understand "osculate [something]" as kissing.
Check kissing the player: say "Pointless, and not much fun."
Check kissing a person: say "I don't suppose [the noun] would care for that."
Check kissing: say "You osculate [the noun], to no real effect."

Understand the command "flirt" as something new.
understand "flirt with [something visible]" as telling it about.
Understand the command "talk" as something new.
Understand "talk [something visible]" as telling it about.
Understand "talk to [something visible]" as telling it about.
Understand the command "ask [something visible] for [text]" as something new.
Understand "ask [something visible] for [text]" as telling it about.

Check telling:
	say "All conversations in [italic type]Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis[roman type] are of the form ASK [bracket]SOMEONE[close bracket] ABOUT ";
	say "[bracket]SOMETHING[close bracket].";
	stop the action.

Check answering it that:
	say "All conversations in [italic type]Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis[roman type] are of the form ASK [bracket]SOMEONE[close bracket] ABOUT ";
	say "[bracket]SOMETHING[close bracket].";
	stop the action.	
	
Understand "# [text]" as a mistake ("Noted.").

Understand "attack [something] with [something preferably held]" as attacking it with.
Understand "stab [something] with [something preferably held]" as attacking it with.
Understand "cut [something] with [something preferably held]" as attacking it with.

Understand "stab [something]" as cutting.

Understand "slap [something]" as attacking.
Understand "defeat [something]" as attacking.
Understand "defeat [something] in combat" as attacking.

Understand "swim" as swimming. 
Understand "swim [something]" as swimming around in.
Understand "swim in [something]" as swimming around in.

Swimming is an action applying to nothing.
Carry out swimming:
	if the location is a water_room
	begin;
		say "You splash around gaily for a while.";
	otherwise;
		say "Swim in what, exactly?";
	end if;
	
Swimming around in is an action applying to one visible thing.
Carry out swimming around in:
	if the noun is not a direction, instead say "You can't swim in [the noun].";
	if the location is not a water_room, instead try swimming;
	try going the noun.
	
Filling is an action applying to one thing.  Report filling: say "You can't fill [the noun]."
Understand "fill [something]" as filling.

Digging is an action applying to one thing. 
	Report digging: if the noun is a person
	begin;
		say "I don't suppose [the noun] would care for that."; 
	otherwise;
		if the noun is enclosed by the player
		begin;
			say "Since you are holding [the noun], you find this topologically confusing, and give up.";
		otherwise;
			 say "You find [the noun] too hard to dig in.";
		end if;
	end if.

Understand "dig [something]" as digging.  Understand "dig in [something]" as digging.  

Understand "pet [something]" as rubbing.  Understand "pat [something]" as rubbing.  Understand "fondle [something]" as rubbing.  Understand "finger [something]" as rubbing.  Understand "tickle [something]" as rubbing.

Knocking is an action applying to one thing.  Report knocking:
	If the noun is a person, instead try attacking the noun;
	if the noun is a door, instead say "You knock on [the noun].  There is no reply.";
	say "You rap your knuckles smartly against [the noun], to no real effect."
	
Understand "knock [something]" as knocking.  Understand "knock on [something]" as knocking.

Understand the command "board" as something new.
Understand "board [something]" as entering.
		
Understand the command "blow" as something new.
Understand "blow [something]" as blowing.  Understand "give nose job to [someone]" as blowing.  Understand "give nosejob to [someone]" as blowing.  Understand "give [someone] nose job" as blowing.  Understand "give [someone] nosejob" as blowing.  Understand "give a nose job to [someone]" as blowing.  Understand "give a nosejob to [someone]" as blowing.  Understand "give [someone] a nose job" as blowing.  Understand "give [someone] a nosejob" as blowing.
Blowing is an action applying to one thing.  Report blowing: say "You puff some air towards [the noun]."

Sanity-check eating:
	if the noun is a person, instead try sucking the noun.

Sucking is an action applying to one thing.  Report sucking: say "You can't seem to get [the noun] into your mouth."

Understand "suck [something]" as sucking.  Understand "give head to [something]" as sucking.  Understand "lick [something]" as sucking.  Understand "eat [someone]" as sucking.  Understand "fellate [something]" as sucking.  Understand "irrumate [something]" as sucking.

Understand "bite [something]" as tasting.

Understand "roll [something]" as pushing.

Understand the command "shit" as something new.
Understand "shit" as shitting.  Understand "crap" as shitting.  Understand "poop" as shitting.  Understand "poo" as shitting.  Understand "defecate" as shitting.
Shitting is an action applying to nothing.  Report shitting:
	say "You were raised better than that."
This is the gotta-poop rule:
	let X be the turn count minus the last_shitting_turn;
	if X is less than 50 and the last_shitting_turn is greater than 0
	begin;
		say "Your bowels are already empty.";
		rule fails;
	otherwise;
		rule succeeds;
	end if.

Understand the command "shit on" as something new.  Understand "shit on [something]" as shitting on.  Understand "crap on [something]" as shitting on.  Understand "poop on [something]" as shitting on.  Understand "poo on [something]" as shitting on.  Understand "defecate on [something]" as shitting on.
Shitting on is an action applying to one thing.  Report shitting on:
	instead try shitting.

Understand the command "piss" as something new.
Understand "piss" as pissing.  Understand "pee" as pissing.  Understand "whiz" as pissing.  Understand "urinate" as pissing.  Understand "tinkle" as pissing [* cf. George Carlin ].
Pissing is an action applying to nothing.  Report pissing:
	say "[if the stiffycock is diseased]OW!  OW!  OW!  You abandon the idea.[otherwise]There is no need to mark your territory.[end if]".

Understand the command "piss on" as something new.
Understand "piss on [something]" as pissing on.  Understand "pee on [something]" as pissing on.  Understand "whiz on [something]" as pissing on.  Understand "urinate on [something]" as pissing on.  Understand "tinkle on [something]" as pissing on. 

Pissing on is an action applying to one thing.  Report pissing on:
	instead try pissing.
	
This is the gotta-pee rule:
	let X be the turn count minus the last_pissing_turn;
	if X is less than 50 and the last_pissing_turn is greater than 0
	begin;
		say "Your bladder is already empty.";
		rule fails;
	otherwise;
		rule succeeds;
	end if.

A person can be enterable.  A person is enterable.  Check entering a person: instead try fucking the noun.

Check an actor taking (this is the taking-people-is-fucking rule):
	if the noun is a person, instead try fucking the noun.

Check an actor getting off (this is the fancy-getting-off rule):
	if the actor is on the noun, continue the action;
	if the actor is carried by the noun, continue the action;
	if the noun is a person, instead try wanking off the noun.

Check an actor exiting (this is the fancy-cannot-exit rule):
	let the local room be the location of the actor;
	if the container exited from is the local room
	begin;
		if the player's command matches "get off" and the actor is the player, instead try wanking;
		stop the action with library message exiting action number 1 for the actor;
	end if.

The taking-people-is-fucking rule is listed instead of the can't take other people rule in the check taking rulebook.
The can't take yourself rule is not listed in the check taking rulebook.

The fancy-getting-off rule is listed instead of the can't get off things rule in the check getting off rulebook.

The fancy-cannot-exit rule is listed instead of the can't exit when not inside anything rule in the check exiting rulebook.

Fucking is an action applying to one thing.  Report fucking:  
	if the player is Stiffy Makane
	begin;
		if the stiffycock is not held by the player
		begin;
			say "You aren't undressed for the occasion."; 
		otherwise;
			say "You aren't quite sure where to begin.";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		say "That would be indecorous.";
	end if.

Understand the command "fuck" as something new.
Understand the command "screw" as something new.
Understand "fuck [something]" as fucking.  Understand "score with [something]" as fucking.  Understand "screw [something]" as fucking.  Understand "bone [something]" as fucking.  Understand "bang [something]" as fucking. [ Understand "take [someone]" as fucking.  ]Understand "do [something]" as fucking.  Understand "love [something]" as fucking.  Understand "bone [something]" as fucking.  Understand "rape [something]" as fucking.  Understand "ravish [something]" as fucking.  Understand "penetrate [something]" as fucking.  Understand "poke [something]" as fucking.  Understand "hump [something]" as fucking.  Understand "dick [something]" as fucking.  Understand "mount [something]" as fucking.  Understand "eff [something]" as fucking. [We'd like to have "f" work too, but it conflicts with "fore" and I haven't yet figured out how to make it do the right thing.]  [ Understand "f [something]" as fucking when the location is not in Shipboard.] [That doesn't actually work.]

Understand "fuck [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).  Understand "penetrate [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).  Understand "rape [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).  Understand "love [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).  Understand "ravish [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).  Understand "poke [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).  Understand "do [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).

Understand the command "bugger" as something new.  Understand "bugger [something]" as buggering.  Understand "assfuck [something]" as buggering.  Understand "plook [something]" as buggering. [* Thank you, Frank Zappa!]  Understand "bugger [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).  Understand "assfuck [something] with [something preferably held]" as inserting it into (with nouns reversed).
Buggering is an action applying to one thing.  Report buggering: 
	if the noun is not female, instead try fucking the noun;
	say "[The noun] probably doesn't want to be anally violated right now."
	
Understand the command "snowball" as something new.  Understand "snowball [something]" as snowballing.
Snowballing is an action applying to one thing.  Report snowballing:
	if the noun is not male, instead say "It's unclear how you'd orally extract semen from [the noun] in the first place, much less return it in a kiss.";
	instead say "That's two separate actions: the oral sex, and then the kiss."

Understand the command "wank" as something new.  Understand "wank" as wanking.  Understand "masturbate" as wanking.  Understand "Jack off" as wanking.  Understand "Jerk off" as wanking.  Understand "Beat off" as wanking.  Understand "wank [something]" as wanking off.  Understand "masturbate [something]" as wanking off.  Understand "Jack off [something]" as wanking off.  Understand "jerk off [something]" as wanking off.  Understand "Beat off [something]" as wanking off.

Understand "get off" as wanking.  Understand "get off on [something]" as fucking.  Understand "get off [something]" as getting off.  Understand "get off of [something]" as getting off.  Understand "Get off [someone]" as wanking off.

Understand "claim [something]" as taking.  Understand "score [someone]" as fucking.  Understand "score [something]" as attacking.

The last_wanking_turn is a number that varies.  The last_wanking_turn is 0.
The last_pissing_turn is a number that varies.  The last_pissing_turn is 0.
The last_shitting_turn is a number that varies.  The last_shitting_turn is 0.
The festus_dump_turn is a number that varies.  The festus_dump_turn is 0.

Wanking is an action applying to nothing.  Report wanking:
	if the player is Stiffy Makane
	begin;
		if the stiffycock is not held by the player
		begin;
			say "Out of sight, out of mind."; 
		otherwise;
			if the stiffycock is diseased
			begin;
				say "It hurts way too much to touch.";
			otherwise;
				say "You give your schlong a few half-hearted tugs, but you're not really in the mood.";
			end if;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		say "That would be indecorous.";
	end if.
	
Wanking off is an action applying to one thing.  Report wanking off:
	if the noun is not a person
	begin;
		say "You aren't quite sure where to begin.";
	otherwise;
	 	if the noun is Stiffy Makane or the noun is the stiffycock
		begin;
			if the stiffycock is not held by the player
			begin;
				say "Out of sight, out of mind."; 
			otherwise;
				say "You give your schlong a few half-hearted tugs, but you're not really in the mood.";
			end if;
		otherwise;
			try touching the noun;
		end if; 
	end if.

Check tasting:
	if the noun is a person, instead try sucking the noun;
	continue the action.

Understand "xyzzy" or "plugh" or "yoho"  as casting xyzzy.  Xyzzyed is a truth state that varies.  Xyzzyed is false.

Casting xyzzy is an action applying to nothing.

Carry out casting xyzzy:
	if the stiffycock is not lit, instead say "Nothing happens.";
	abide by the priestess-cockblocking rule;
	now xyzzyed is true;
	let T be a random stiffycolor;
	while T is the stiffycolor of the stiffycock
	begin;
		let T be a random stiffycolor;
	end while;
	now the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is T;
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "Nothing obvious happens.";
	otherwise;
		say "Something happens.";
	end if;
	stop the action.

Understand "y2" as casting y2.  [ Remove y2 before release. ]
Understand "plover" as casting plover.  [ Remove plover before release too. ]

Casting y2 is an action applying to nothing.
Carry out casting y2:
	if the stiffycock is not lit, instead say "Nothing happens.";
	if xyzzyed is false, instead say "Nothing happens.";
	if the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is blue, instead say "Nothing happens.";
	now the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is blue;
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "You feel a tingling in your nethers.";
	otherwise;
		say "Your cock flashes brilliant white for a moment, and then settles down to a soft blue glow.";
	end if;
	stop the action.
	
Casting plover is an action applying to nothing.
Carry out casting plover:
	if the stiffycock is not lit, instead say "Nothing happens.";
	if xyzzyed is false, instead say "Nothing happens.";
	abide by the the priestess-cockblocking rule;
	if the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is red, instead say "Nothing happens.";
	now the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is red;
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "You feel a tingling in your nethers.";
	otherwise;
		say "Your cock flashes brilliant white for a moment, and then settles down to a soft red glow.";
	end if;
	stop the action.

This is the priestess-cockblocking rule:
	if the location is the Druidic Grove and the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is blue
	begin;
		say "The priestess shushes you.  'It's the right color now.  Leave it alone!'";
		rule fails;
	end if.

Attacking it with is an action applying to two things.  Report attacking it with:
	if the player is Stiffy Makane
	begin;
		say "You're a lover, not a fighter.";
	otherwise;
		say "That would be unseemly.";
	end if.
		
Pouring it on is an action applying to two things.  Report pouring it on:
	say "That would be pointless."
	
Understand "pour [something preferably held] on [something]" as pouring it on.
Understand "pour [something preferably held] onto [something]" as pouring it on.
Understand "pour [something preferably held] in [something]" as pouring it on.
Understand "pour [something preferably held] into [something]" as pouring it on.
Understand "water [something] with [something preferably held]" as pouring it on (with nouns reversed).

Understand "kick" as kicking_nothing.
Understand "kick [something]" as kicking.

Kicking_nothing is an action applying to nothing.  Report kicking_nothing:
	say "You perform a short dance routine.".

Kicking is an action applying to one thing.  Report kicking:
	say "Violence isn't the answer to this one.".
	
Understand "brine [something]" as brining.  
Brining is an action applying to one visible thing.  Report brining:
	if the vinegar is not held, instead say "With what?  Your acerbic wit?";
	say "[The noun] would not be improved by brining.".
	
Understand "roll [something]" as rolling.  Understand "roll up [something]" as rolling.
Rolling is an action applying to one thing.  Report rolling:
	if the noun is a person, instead say "Robbery is not the answer.";
	say "[The noun] doesn't seem like it would roll very well."
	
Understand "look up" as looking up.
Looking up is an action applying to nothing.  Carry out looking up:
	if the player can see a sky_scenery (called S)
	begin;
		instead try examining S;
	otherwise;
		say "You see nothing special about the ceiling.";
	end if.
	
Understand "look down" as looking down.
Looking down is an action applying to nothing.  Carry out looking down:
	if the player can see a floor_scenery (called F)
	begin;
		instead try examining F;
	otherwise;
		if the stiffycock is visible, instead try examining the stiffycock;
		say "You see [a random garment worn by the player].";
	end if.
	
Understand "peel [something]" as peeling.
Understand "skin [something]" as peeling.

Peeling is an action applying to one visible thing.  Report peeling:
	say "It's not clear how you would peel [the noun].".

Touching is fiddling.  Rubbing is fiddling.  Pushing is fiddling.  Pulling is fiddling.  Turning is fiddling.

Understand "sail to [text]" as sailing to.
Sailing to is an action applying to one topic.  Carry out sailing to:
	if Palinurus is in the location, instead try asking Palinurus about the topic understood;
	if the location is in Shipboard, instead say "You don't have a lot of choice about your destination.";
	if the location is Riverbank or the location is Northern_riverbank
	begin;
		say "You throw back your head and sing a few bars of 'Come Sail Away[88 as a reference],' which seems appropriate to the location,[run paragraph on]";
		if Charon is in the location
		begin;
			say " and, indeed Charon gives you a bony thumbs-up[run paragraph on]";
			if Charon is fixed
			begin;
				say " and gestures to you to board.";
				instead try entering the skiff;
			otherwise;
				instead say " but, alas, does not seem inclined to let you board.";
			end if;
		end if;
		say " but nothing extraordinary happens.";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	instead say "The minor flaw with this plan is that you're not in a boat."

Understand "greet [something]" as greeting.
Understand "hail [something]" as hailing.

Greeting is an action applying to one thing.  Report greeting:
	if the noun is a person, instead try asking the noun about "Thrazar";
	say "Greeting [the noun]?  That seems unlikely to provoke a response."
	
Hailing is an action applying to one thing.  Report hailing:
	if the player is not godly, instead try greeting the noun;
	say "You would have to have a portfolio including weather (like Jupiter, for instance), in order for that to work.  You don't."
		
Going northwest  is going diagonally.  Going northeast is going diagonally.  Going southwest is going diagonally.  Going southeast is going diagonally.

Instead of going diagonally for the first time, say "[bracket] Only the four cardinal directions (and up, down, in, and out) are required to play [italic type]Mentula Macanus: Apocolocyntosis[roman type]. [close bracket][paragraph break]"

Instead of going diagonally, say "You can't go that way."

Understand "climb [direction]" as going.

The block waking up rule is not listed in the check waking up rulebook.
Check waking up:
	say "The dreadful truth is, this [italic type]is[roman type] a dream[emdash]but not [italic type]your[roman type] dream.";
	consider the Looking-Glass-Ending rule.

Part Six - "The World Of Stiffy"

Virginity is a kind of value.  The virginities are boinked and unboinked.  A person has a virginity.  A person is usually unboinked.

Dejavu is a kind of value.  The dejavus are fresh and familiar.  The current dejavuity is a dejavu that varies.  The current dejavuity is fresh.

Speakability is a kind of value.  The speakabilities are speakable and unspeakable.  A person has a speakability.  A person is usually speakable.  An animal is usually unspeakable.

Godliness is a kind of value.  The godlinesses are godly and ungodly.  A person has a godliness.  A person is usually ungodly. 
Cleanliness is a kind of value.  The cleanlinesses are sparkling, cleanish, and filthy. 

Footnote_explained is a number that varies.  Footnote_explained is 0.
Reference_explained is a number that varies.  Reference_explained is 0.

JDM is some text that varies.  JDM is "placeholder".

A book is a kind of thing. Understand "book" as a book. A book has a table-name called the contents.

The banana clock is a number that varies.  The banana clock is 0.
The froghemoth clock is a number that varies.  The froghemoth clock is 0.
The baboon clock is a number that varies.  The baboon clock is 0.
The nudity clock is a number that varies.  The nudity clock is 0.
The pirate clock is a number that varies.  The pirate clock is 0.
The baboon disputation item is a thing that varies.  The baboon disputation item is Brandon Van Every.
The encumbered action is some text that varies.  The encumbered action is "swimming".

Check consulting a book about a topic listed in the contents of the noun: 
    say "[reply entry][paragraph break]"

A garment is a kind of thing.  A garment is always wearable.  An ornament is a kind of thing.  An ornament is always wearable.   A garment has a cleanliness.  A garment is usually cleanish.  A garment has a number called warmth.  The warmth of a garment is usually 2.
[We use this to distinguish clothes, which hide a person's shame (by which we mean his or her genitalia) from ornaments, which do not.]

A penis is a kind of thing.  The description is "Just an ordinary penis.  You've seen lots of them."  Understand "rod", "dong", "nethers", "junk", "prick", "wang", "dick", "schween", "passer", "sparrow", "schlong", "pecker", "genitals", "penis", and "cock" as penis.

A vagina is a kind of container.  The description is "Just an ordinary vagina.  You've seen lots of them."  Understand "cunt", "pussy", "twat", "labia", "vulva", "clitoris", "bush", "pudenda", and "slit" as vagina.

An anus is a kind of container.  The description is "Just an ordinary anus.  You've seen lots of them."  Understand "ass", "asshole", "sphincter", "arsehole", "arse", "butt", "butthole", "bunghole", and "rectum" as anus.

A clappiness is a kind of value.  The clappinesses are diseased and healthy.  A penis has a clappiness.  A penis is usually healthy.

Sky_scenery is a kind of backdrop.  The description is "It's the sky." The printed name is "sky".  Understand "sky" and "weather" as sky_scenery.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the sky_scenery, say "It's much, much too far away."  

Floor_scenery is a kind of backdrop.  The description is "It's underfoot."  The printed name is "floor".  Understand "floor" as floor_scenery.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the floor_scenery, say "If it were going to be interesting, it would have started before now."

Generic_sky_scenery is a sky_scenery. 

An alley is a kind of room.  Before dropping something that is not the stiffycock in an alley: 
	if the location is warned_about
	begin;
		say "Before you can blink, a street urchin scuttles by on ragged claws, snatches [the noun] and disappears."; 
		remove the noun from play;
	otherwise;
		now the location is warned_about;
		say "You're pretty sure that anything you dropped in an alley like this one would never be seen (by you, anyway) again.";
	end if.	

A sewer_room is a kind of room.  A sewer_room is usually dark.  The printed name is "Somewhere Under Ostia".  Check dropping something that is not the stiffycock in a sewer_room:
	if the location is warned_about
	begin;
		if the noun is the signet ring and the Poop Deck is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "That would be exceptionally stupid.";
			stop the action;
		end if;
		say "With a forlorn 'bloop', [the noun] vanishes into the sewage.";
		remove the noun from play;
		if the noun is the toga
		begin;
			say "(You can always ask Festus to bring you a new toga.)";
		end if;
		if the noun is the iron key and the iron grate is locked
		begin;
			say "Something swirls deep in the dank sewage, and the key suddenly rockets out of the water to land on the bank.";
			move the iron key to the location;
		end if;
		if the noun is the invitation token
		begin;
			say "A bubble of gas pops to the surface.  As it bursts, you hear the glutinous voice of Glub say 'Thanks,' and the signet ring flies out to land on the bank.";
			move the signet ring to the location;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		now the location is warned_about;
		say "If you drop anything into the muck, it's gone forever.";
	end if.
	
A special_sewer_room is a kind of sewer_room.  A generic_sewer_room is a kind of sewer_room.
	
The global_darkness_counter is a number that varies.  The global_darkness_counter is 0.  The global_pirate_attack_flag is a number that varies.  The global_pirate_attack_flag is 0.
	
Sewage is a backdrop.  The description is "Black, murky, stinky sewage swirls slowly around the base of the sewer."  Understand "black", "murky", "stinky", "water", "shit", "piss", "pee", "poop", "muck", "sludge", "mire", "dirty", "dank",  "soapy", "warm", "hot", "channel", "base", "bottom", "slime", and "feces" as sewage.  Check searching the sewage: instead say "In a word, no."  Instead of doing anything other than examining or searching with the sewage, say "The thought of any more interaction with the sewage than strictly required is revolting."

Sewer_ceiling is a sky_scenery.  The description is "Dark stone, caked with slime, looms overhead."  The printed name of sewer_ceiling is "tunnel ceiling".  Understand "ceiling", "stone", "dark", "caked", "slime", and "overhead" as the sewer_ceiling.

[ Any name with an _ in it will be ignored; thanks to Kathleen Fischer for this  ]
After reading a command:
        let T be indexed text;
        let T be the player's command;
        replace the text "_" in T with "__";
	change the text of the player's command to T.

A water_room is a kind of room. 

A jungle yummy is a kind of thing.  A jungle yummy is always edible. Check rolling a jungle yummy:
	if the location is a water_room, instead say "You revolve [the noun] in the water.  Bravo.";
	say "You push [the noun] around a bit.  It rolls.  Hooray."

Limbo is a room.  The printed name is "".  The description is "".

Metaphysics is a region.  Limbo is in Metaphysics.

Ponciness is a kind of value.  The poncinesses are poncy and philistinic.  The current ponciness is a ponciness that varies.  The current ponciness is poncy.

Referentiality is a kind of value.  The referentialities are referential and mum.  The current referentiality is a referentiality that varies.  The current referentiality is referential.

Horniness is a kind of value.  The horninesses are horny and unaroused.

First_footnote is a thing.  First_reference is a thing.  First_conversation is a thing.

Before reading a command while footnote_explained is 1:
	say "[bracket]To look up a footnote, use FOOTNOTE [italic type]number-of-footnote[roman type][close bracket][paragraph break]";
	now footnote_explained is 0.
	
Before reading a command while reference_explained is 1:
	say "[bracket]To look up a reference, use REFERENCE [italic type]number-of-reference[roman type][close bracket][paragraph break]";
	now reference_explained is 0.
		
Part Seven - "Stiffy Makane"

Stiffy Makane is a man.  He is in the Battlement.  The description is "Stiffy Makane (Mentula Macanus[5 as a footnote]): perhaps not the noblest Roman of them all[3 as a reference], but certainly one of the better-hung[if Stiffy Makane is filthy].  Also one of the more-covered-in-sewage, alas[end if]."  Understand "Mentula", "Macanus", and "Mentula Macanus" as Stiffy Makane.   Check sucking Stiffy Makane: instead try blowing Stiffy Makane.  Stiffy Makane has a cleanliness.  Stiffy Makane is cleanish.  Stiffy Makane is unspeakable [* Got that right!].  The default reply of Stiffy Makane is "Talking to yourself is said to be a sign of impending mental collapse[71 as a reference]."  Stiffy Makane has a number called coldness.  The coldness of Stiffy Makane is 0.  Does the player mean taking Stiffy Makane when the player is Stiffy Makane: it is very unlikely.  Does the player mean fucking Stiffy Makane when the player is Stiffy Makane: it is very unlikely.

Check fucking Stiffy Makane:
	instead try blowing Stiffy Makane.

The toga is a garment.  Stiffy Makane is wearing the toga.  The description of the toga is "A plain white linen toga, as befits a Roman citizen[if the toga is filthy], although currently repulsively filthy[end if]."  Check rolling the toga: instead say "There's really no compelling reason to roll up the toga."

Check blowing Stiffy Makane:
	if the stiffycock is diseased
	begin;
		say "Even if you could, which you can't, given its current state, you really wouldn't want to.";
	otherwise;
		say "If you could do that, you'd never leave your house.";
	end if;
	stop the action.

Check inserting the golden banana into Stiffy Makane when the player is Stiffy Makane:
	say "The effort required to hold something that heavy in place, combined with the coldness of the metal, and the fact that even though a unique holy relic, it would also be an uncomfortable hunk of metal up your ass[89 as a reference], dissuades you.";
	stop the action.
	
Check inserting the sausage into Stiffy Makane when the player is Stiffy Makane:
	instead try taking the sausage.
	
Check inserting something into Stiffy Makane when the player is Stiffy Makane:
	if the noun is the stiffycock or the noun is Stiffy Makane, instead try fucking Stiffy Makane;
	if the noun is not held by Stiffy Makane, instead say "The logistics of this act are beyond you.";
	if the noun is a garment, instead say "That'd be an awful lot to cram up there.";
	instead say "After some consideration, you decide not to attempt insertion of [the noun] into your rectum.  Sometimes things slip from your grasp when you do that, and then it's always really embarassing getting help to retrieve them."

Stiffy Makane's anus is a part of Stiffy Makane.  It is an anus.  The description is "Although it has received many compliments, your anus is rather hard for you to see without a mirror."  Instead of smelling Stiffy Makane's anus, say "That would be a lot of contortion for a very dubious benefit."  Instead of tasting, sucking, or kissing Stiffy Makane's anus, try smelling Stiffy Makane's anus.  Instead of searching Stiffy Makane's anus, say "You're sure there's nothing out of the ordinary hidden inside."  Instead of touching or rubbing Stiffy Makane's anus, say "You don't need to touch it to know it's still there."  Instead of inserting anything into Stiffy Makane's anus, try inserting the noun into Stiffy Makane.

Stiffycolor is a kind of value.  The stiffycolors are blue, green, yellow, orange, red, purple, indigo, violet, crimson, pallid gray, ochre, silvery-white, chartreuese, hot pink, teal, moss rose, salmon, iridescent turquoise, toxic orange, burnt umber, magenta, sort of leprous mottled greenish-brown, and fuliginous ultraviolet.

The stiffycock is a penis.  The stiffycock has a stiffycolor.  The stiffycock is blue.  Understand "stiffy" as stiffycock.  The printed name is "cock".  The indefinite article of the stiffycock is "your".  Does the player mean doing something with the stiffycock: it is unlikely.

Cockglow is a number that varies.  Cockglow is 0.

To suppress the inventory information:
        (- c_style = c_style &~ (FULLINV_BIT+PARTINV_BIT); -).

Rule for printing the name of the stiffycock while taking inventory:
	suppress the inventory information;
	say "[if the stiffycock is diseased]diseased [end if]penis[if the stiffycock is lit] (glowing with a faint [stiffycolor] glow)[end if]".   
	
After examining the stiffycock for the second time:
	if the stiffycock is not lit
	begin;
		say "Are you looking for something different here?  It hasn't changed, you know.";
	otherwise;
		say "The glow is a bit alarming, but otherwise, same old same old.  Are you fishing for a particular response here?";
	end if;

After examining the stiffycock for the third time: say "Oh, all right: 'Your stiffy is big and greasy [4 as a reference].'  Are you happy now?" 

After examining the stiffycock:
	if cockglow is 1
	begin;
		say "You note with disappointment that your penis is no longer glowing.";
		now cockglow is 2;
	end if.

The description is "The root [if the stiffycock is lit](faintly glowing [stiffycolor]) [end if]of all existence, at least for you.[if the stiffycock is diseased]  The discharge of greenish pus is kind of scary, though.[end if]".  Check dropping the stiffycock: instead say "The Makane clan has not yet evolved the ability for male Makanes to drop their penes.  Check back in a couple millennia[5 as a reference]."  Check blowing the stiffycock: instead try blowing the player.  Check sucking the stiffycock: try blowing the player.  Understand "penis" as stiffycock.  Check taking the stiffycock:
	if the stiffycock is held, instead try rubbing the stiffycock;
	say "BUG!  How did you get here?";
	stop the action.
	
Check giving the stiffycock to a person (called the penetratee): instead try fucking the penetratee.  Check inserting the stiffycock into something (called the penetratee): instead try fucking the penetratee.  Check attacking something (called the penetratee) with the stiffycock: instead try fucking the penetratee.

Check smelling the stiffycock:
	If the stiffycock is diseased, instead try smelling the greenish pus;
	If Stiffy Makane is cleanish, instead say "Vaguely cheesy.  Probably time to hit the baths.";
	If Stiffy Makane is sparkling, instead say "Your cock smells fresh and clean, if slightly soapy.";
	say "Your cock, like the rest of you, is covered in ordure.  There's no point in smelling it."
		
Check tasting the stiffycock: instead try sucking the stiffycock.  Check touching the stiffycock: instead try wanking.  Check eating the stiffycock: instead try sucking the stiffycock.  Check rubbing the stiffycock: instead try wanking.  Check pulling the stiffycock: instead try wanking.  Check squeezing the stiffycock: instead try wanking.

Check putting the stiffycock on a supporter (called the cockrest): instead say "You smack your penis down onto [the cockrest].  [if the stiffycock is diseased]OW![otherwise]Classy.[end if]"

Some greenish pus is a thing.  Understand "green", "gonorrhea", "painful", "drip", "drips", "std", "drippy", "burning", and "discharge" as greenish pus.  The description is "A painful, greenish discharge drips from your cock."  Check kissing the greenish pus: instead try squeezing the greenish pus.  Check eating the greenish pus: instead try squeezing the greenish pus.  Check tasting the greenish pus: instead try squeezing the greenish pus.  Check rubbing the greenish pus: instead try squeezing the greenish pus.  Check drinking the greenish pus: instead try squeezing the greenish pus.  Check touching the greenish pus: instead try squeezing the greenish pus.  Check squeezing the greenish pus: instead say "Not gonna touch it." Check smelling the greenish pus: instead say "Ew."  Check showing the greenish pus to someone (called the observer): instead try showing the stiffycock to the observer.  Check giving the greenish pus to someone (called the observer): instead try giving the stiffycock to the observer.  Check dropping the greenish pus: instead say "You shake some off, but more just dribbles out."
	
Some feet are parts of Stiffy Makane.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description of the feet is "You know what they say about men with big feet?  Well, in this case, it happens to be true[if the coldness of Stiffy Makane is greater than 49].  Well, not [italic type]right[roman type] now, because of the cold, but in general[end if]."  Understand "foot" as feet. 
	
Part Eight - "Prayer"

Chapter One - "Grammar"

Understand "help" or "hint" as requesting help.
Requesting help is an action out of world applying to nothing.  Carry out requesting help: say "It is said that the gods occasionally answer prayers."

The has-prayed-to-slot is text that varies.  The has-prayed-to-slot is "(null)".

First scene changing rule when praying or praying to:
	rule succeeds.
	
First every turn rule when praying or praying to:
	rule succeeds.

Understand "pray" as praying.
Understand "pray to [text]" as praying to.
Understand "recap prayer" or "recap prayers" as recalling prayer.

Praying is an action applying to nothing.  Carry out praying:
	Now the prayer_flag is 0;
	say "You offer up a prayer to whatever gods might be listening.";
	consider the prayer rule.

Praying to is an action applying to one topic.  Carry out praying to:
	now the prayer_flag is 1;
[	say "At the last second, you lose your nerve and spinelessly offer up a prayer to whatever gods might be listening."; ]
	consider the prayer rule.

The current Hecatoncheries name is some text that varies.  The current Hecatoncheries name is "Maharg Noslen".  The prayer_flag is a number that varies.  The prayer_flag is 0.

This is the Hecatoncheries picking rule:
	choose a random row in the Table of Hecatoncheries Names;
	now the current Hecatoncheries name is the name entry.	

This is the prayer rule:
	if the player is a pumpkin
	begin;
		say "No gods will help you now.";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	if the location is in Darkest Africa
	begin;
		say "As you pray, your head fills with the humming of angry bees.  You're sure your prayers are not reaching anyone, and indeed your prayers go unanswered.";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	consider the Hecatoncheries picking rule;
	consider the deciding the current hint state rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action;
	choose row with a state of the current hint state in the Table of Prayer;
	if the current hint state is hint_trivia
	begin;
		if the prayer_flag is 1
		begin;
			if the topic understood matches the topic entry
			begin;
				now the mysterious goddess is proper-named;
				now the mysterious goddess is horny;
				now the printed name of the mysterious goddess is "Trivia";
				really have the parser notice the mysterious goddess;
				say "The goddess smiles with satisfaction.[paragraph break]";
			otherwise;
				say "The goddess shakes her head sadly.  'I'm sorry, Stiffy, but I am not [the topic understood in title case].  Better luck next time.'  She kisses you on the cheek and vanishes with a thunderclap.";
				remove the mysterious goddess from play;
				now the has-prayed-to-slot is "wrong";
				stop the action;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say "The goddess looks amused.  'Sneaky.  Admirable.  However, no, I'm not going to permit you to just get my name from the Hecatoncheries.  Pray to me [italic type]by name[roman type], Stiffy.'";
			stop the action;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is in Olympus and the location is not Summit
	begin;
		say "Three ascending, headsplitting tones fill your ears, followed by a woman's neutral voice: 'We're sorry.  It is not necessary to dial a one before dialing this number.  Please hang up and try again,' and then a click.";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	if there is no turn stamp entry and the current hint state is not unknown
	begin;
		now the turn stamp entry is the turn count;
		now the place entry is the location;
		if prayer_flag is 0
		begin;
			say "'Olympian Hotline, [current Hecatoncheries name] speaking.  Based on your current situation, I'm going to try to put you through to [Governing deity entry].  Please hold while I connect you.'[paragraph break]";
		otherwise;
			say "'Olympian Hotline, [current Hecatoncheries name] speaking. ";
			if the topic understood does not match the topic entry
			begin;
				now the has-prayed-to-slot is "wrong";
				say "The deity you requested does not answer.  Based on your current situation, I'm going to try to put you through to [Governing deity entry] instead.  Please hold.'[paragraph break]";
			otherwise;
				if the has-prayed-to-slot is "(null)"
				begin;
					now the has-prayed-to-slot is the Governing deity entry;
				end if;
				say "Please hold while I try to put you through to [Governing deity entry].'[paragraph break]";
			end if;
		end if;
		say "You are subjected to a short interlude of insipid music, followed by, '[Governing deity entry] speaking: [Advice entry]'[paragraph break]";
	otherwise;
		if there is a turn stamp entry
		begin;
			say "'Olympian Hotline, [current Hecatoncheries name] speaking.  According to our records, you've already spoken to [Governing deity entry] about your predicament.  [summary entry]  Thank you for your call.'";
		otherwise;
			say "'Olympian Hotline.  All our representatives are currently busy assisting other supplicants.  Please try again later.  Thank you for your call.'";
		end if;
	end if.


After praying or praying to for the first time, say "[bracket] You can review the responses to your prayers with RECAP PRAYER. [close bracket][paragraph break]"

Recalling prayer is an action applying to nothing.  Carry out recalling prayer:
	sort Table of Prayer in turn stamp order; 
	let index be 0; 
	repeat through Table of Prayer 
	begin; 
		if there is a turn stamp entry 
		begin;
			if index is 0, say "You have so far received the following results from prayer: [line break]"; 
			let index be 1; 
			say " In [the place entry]: [summary entry][line break]"; 
		end if; 
	end repeat; 
	if index is 0
	begin;
		say "The gods have vouchsafed you nothing.";
	otherwise;
		say line break;
	end if.

hint state is a kind of value.  The hint states are unknown, hint_battlement_intro, hint_lake_intro, hint_caesar, hint_julia, hint_priest, hint_artist, hint_apple_dark, hint_apple_light, hint_alleymaze, hint_alley, hint_slutty_julia, hint_lovenest, hint_dockside, hint_cocky, hint_filthy, hint_sewers, hint_grate, hint_glub, hint_sewer_dark, hint_wait, hint_palinurus, hint_archie, hint_clap, hint_gate, hint_weed, hint_cuma, hint_judaea, hint_jonah, hint_alexandria, hint_currants, hint_serapis, hint_coffin, hint_cleopatra, hint_alexander, hint_circumcision, hint_pirates, hint_cabin_boy, hint_rowing, hint_woad, hint_battlement_recap, hint_lake_recap, hint_persephone, hint_stetson, hint_cerberus_guarding, hint_cerberus_intrigued, hint_tiresias, hint_madame, hint_bone, hint_bone_boned, hint_charon, hint_agamemnon, hint_tantalus, hint_sweeny, hint_olive, hint_sweeny_horny, hint_madame_horny, hint_grahams, hint_kentucky, hint_mantua, hint_doolittle, hint_good_wine, hint_moonmilk, hint_fur, hint_stick, and hint_trivia.

The current hint state is a hint state which varies.  The current hint state is unknown.

This is the deciding the current hint state rule:
	now the current hint state is unknown;
	[ being Eris is its own special case ]
	if the player is Divine Eris
	begin;
		say "Tacky, tacky, tacky.  If you need help from one of your fellow deities, just go and ask.";
		rule fails;
	end if;
	[ Jonah overrides all the others ]
	If the tallis is worn and the fake beard is worn and the golden banana is not handled
	begin;
		now the current hint state is hint_jonah;
		now the fake beard is warned_about;
		choose row with a state of the current hint state in the Table of Prayer;
		if there is a turn stamp entry
		begin;
			say "Yahweh's voice thunders in your ears.  'JONAH!  Go down to Nineveh and preach, you schmuck!  How many times do I have to tell you?'";
			rule fails;
		otherwise;
			rule succeeds;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is the Battlement and the turn count is less than 10, now the current hint state is hint_battlement_intro;
	if the location is the Lake and the turn count is less than 10, now the current hint state is hint_lake_intro;
	if the location is the Curia Steps and Caesar is visible, now the current hint state is hint_caesar;
	if the location is the Phallus Interior and Julia is visible, now the current hint state is hint_julia;
	if the location is the Tavern and the Priest of Jupiter Virilis is visible, now the current hint state is hint_priest;
	if the Artist is in the location and the location of the mask is not a room, now the current hint state is hint_artist;
	if the location is the Temple of Eris or the location is the Altar of Eris, now the current hint state is hint_apple_dark;
	if the stiffycock is lit and the location is the Altar of Eris, now the current hint state is hint_apple_light;	
	if the location is the Twisty Little Alley, now the current hint state is hint_alleymaze;
	if the location is the Phallus Interior and Slutty_Julia is visible and the stiffycock is not lit, now the current hint state is hint_slutty_julia;
	if the location is the Stiffy Love Nest, now the current hint state is hint_lovenest;
	if the location is the Dockside, now the current hint state is hint_dockside;
	if the location is the Tablinum and Cocky is not warned_about, now the current hint state is hint_cocky;
	If the player is filthy, now the current hint state is hint_filthy;
	if the location is a sewer_room
	begin;
		if the location of the iron key is a room
		begin;
			if the iron grate has been unlocked
			begin;
				now the current hint state is unknown;
			otherwise;
				if Sewer10 is unvisited
				begin;
					now the current hint state is hint_sewers;
				otherwise;
					now the current hint state is hint_grate;
				end if;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			if in darkness begin;
				now the current hint state is hint_sewer_dark;
			otherwise;
				now the current hint state is hint_sewers;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;	
	if the location is the House_of_Glub, now the current hint state is hint_glub;
	if Festus is in the location and the Privy is unvisited, now the current hint state is hint_wait;
	if the location is in Shipboard, now the current hint state is hint_palinurus;
	if the location is in Sicily and Archie is unboinked, now the current hint state is hint_archie;
	if the stiffycock is diseased, now the current hint state is hint_clap;
	if the location is the agora and the necropolis gate is locked, now the current hint state is hint_gate;
	if the location is the cemetery and the location of the weed is not a room, now the current hint state is hint_weed;
	If the location is in Campania, now the current hint state is hint_cuma;
	If the location is in Judaea, now the current hint state is hint_judaea;
	If the location is in Egypt, now the current hint state is hint_alexandria;
	If the location is the Temple of Serapis, now the current hint state is hint_serapis;
	If the location is Great Harbor and the surly guard is not handled, now the current hint state is hint_currants;
	if the location is in Palace Grounds and the sarcophagus is closed, now the current hint state is hint_coffin;
	If Cleopatra is in the location and Cleopatra is unboinked, now the current hint state is hint_cleopatra;
	If the location is in Palace Grounds and the sarcophagus is open and the mummified corpse is not warned_about, now the current hint state is hint_alexander;
	if the player encloses the golden banana and the golden banana is not warned_about, now the current hint state is hint_circumcision;
	if the global_pirate_attack_flag is greater than 0 and the global_pirate_attack_flag is less than 4, now the current hint state is hint_pirates;
	if the location is Captain's Cabin, now the current hint state is hint_cabin_boy;
	if the location is Galley, now the current hint state is hint_rowing;
	if the location is Druidic Grove, now the current hint state is hint_woad;
	if the location is the Battlement and the turn count is greater than 10, now the current hint state is hint_battlement_recap;
	if the location is the Lake and the turn count is greater than 10, now the current hint state is hint_lake_recap;
	if the location is Rats' Alley, now the current hint state is hint_alley;
	if the bone is visible, now the current hint state is hint_bone_boned;
	if the bone is visible and Persephone is in Persephone's Palace, now the current hint state is hint_bone;
	if Persephone is in the location, now the current hint state is hint_persephone;
	if the location is the Garden and Stetson is in the garden, now the current hint state is hint_stetson;
	if the location is the Garden and Stetson is not in the garden, now the current hint state is hint_persephone;
	if Cerberus is in the location and Cerberus is guarding, now the current hint state is hint_cerberus_guarding;
	if Cerberus is in the location and Cerberus is intrigued, now the current hint state is hint_cerberus_intrigued;
	if Tiresias is in the location and Tiresias is not_warned_about, now the current hint state is hint_tiresias;
	if Apeneck Sweeny is in the location and Apeneck Sweeny is not horny, now the current hint state is hint_sweeny;
	if the location is the Olive Grove and the olive_tree is visible, now the current hint state is hint_olive;
	if the location is the Apartment and Madame Sosostris is not horny, now the current hint state is hint_madame;
	if Charon is in the location and Charon is broken, now the current hint state is hint_charon;
	if Agamemnon is in the location and the umbrella is not held by Agamemnon, now the current hint state is hint_agamemnon;
	if Tantalus is in the location, now the current hint state is hint_tantalus;
	if Apeneck Sweeny is in the location and Apeneck Sweeny is horny, now the current hint state is hint_sweeny_horny;
	if Madame Sosostris is in the location and Madame Sosostris is horny and Madame Sosostris is unboinked, now the current hint state is hint_madame_horny;
	if the Grahams are visible and the location of the umbrella is not a room, now the current hint state is hint_grahams;
	if Dream of the Red King is happening, now the current hint state is hint_kentucky;
	if the location is in Mantua and Villa Peristyle is not warned_about, now the current hint state is hint_mantua;
	if the location is in Mantua and the duck is visible and the moonmilk is not_warned_about, now the current hint state is hint_doolittle;
	if the location is in Mantua and the cheap_wine is warned_about and the ancient bottle is not mentioned
	begin;
		if the potatoe is not_warned_about
		begin;
			now the current hint state is hint_good_wine;
			now the potatoe is warned_about;
		otherwise;
			now the current hint state is hint_moonmilk;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is in Olympic Slopes and the walking stick is not visible, now the current hint state is hint_stick;
	if the location is in Olympic Slopes and the threadbare fur cloak is not worn, now the current hint state is hint_fur;
	if the location is Summit and the mysterious goddess is in the location and the mysterious goddess is not proper-named, now the current hint state is hint_trivia.


Chapter Two - "Prayers"

Table of Prayer
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
unknown	"#NONE,"		"#&^#$"	"The gods are silent."	"The gods are silent."	a number		a room


Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_battlement_intro	"Icarus"	"Icarus"	"Jump!"	"Icarus said to jump."	--	--
hint_lake_intro	"Neptune"	"Neptune/Poseidon"	"Looks like you[apostrophe]re gonna drown."	"Neptune said you were going to drown."	--	--


Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_caesar	"Eros"		"Eros"	"I think you should go ahead and bone Caesar.  He[apostrophe]s pretty hot."	"Eros thought you should bang Julius Caesar."	--	--
hint_julia		"Jupiter Virilis"	"Jupiter/Virilis" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"See if you can get my priest back in here, ready to perform his duty."	"Jupiter Virilis said you should get the priest back in."	--	--
hint_priest	"Jupiter Virilis"	"Jupiter/Virilis" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"Maybe you can find some way to distract him from Julia[apostrophe]s, ah, less appealing features?"	"Jupiter Virilis wanted you to find a way to distract the priest from his problem with Julia."	--	--
hint_artist		"Polymnia[12 as a footnote]"	"Polymnia"	"Artists need two things: materials and material support."	"Polymnia said that the artist needs both materials and money."	--	--
hint_apple_dark	"Erebus"		"Erebus"		"Beware the dark. [italic type]Muahahahahaha[roman type]!"	"Erebus warned you to beware the darkness."	--	--
hint_apple_light	"Eris"		"Eris/Discordia"		"Give it to me, Stiffy.  Give it to me [italic type]hard[roman type]."	"Eris wanted you to fuck her, apparently."	--	--
hint_alleymaze	"Mercury"		"Mercury/Hermes"	"Alleys are shady places, full of criminals.  Don[apostrophe]t drop anything, and especially don[apostrophe]t drop the soap!  Also, as mazes go, this isn[apostrophe]t a tough one."	"Mercury has warned you to be extra-careful in alleys, and that the Twisty Little Alley is not a difficult maze."	--	--
hint_slutty_julia	"Jupiter Virilis"	"Jupiter/Virilis" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"Give her what she wants."	"Jupiter said you should satisfy Julia."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_lovenest	"Priapus"		"Priapus"	"Hey, finally some lube!  Have a wank!"	"Priapus said you should beat off."	--	--
hint_dockside	"Abeona[14 as a footnote]"		"Abeona"	"You[apostrophe]d best get the signet ring to show to Bruno."	"Abeona told you to get your father[apostrophe]s signet ring."	--	--
hint_cocky	"Jupiter Virilis"	"Jupiter/Virilis" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"Show him evidence of my favor."	"Jupiter said you should prove to your father that you have divine favor."	--	--
hint_filthy		"Sterculius[16 as a footnote]"		"Sterculius/Sterculus"	"If you really feel you [italic type]must[roman type] get clean, you should probably go to the baths."	"Sterculius said you should take a bath if you wanted to get the sewage off you."	--	--
hint_sewers	"Cloacina[19 as a footnote]"	"Cloacina"		"You probably need to wander more through these lovely, lovely sewers."	"Cloacina advised you to explore more of the sewers."	--	--
hint_grate		"Cardea[20 as a footnote]"	"Cardea"		"Seems to me that you ought to unlock the grate, so you can exercise those hinges."	"Cardea said you needed to unlock the grate."	--	--
hint_glub		"Glub"		"Glub/Tsathoggua/Juiblex"	"WORSHIP ME, MORTAL!  WHO[apostrophe]S MY BITCH?"	"Glub was just a dick about your worship."	--	--
hint_sewer_dark	"Erebus"		"Erebus"		"Beware the dark. [italic type]Muahahahahaha[roman type]!"	"Erebus warned you to beware the darkness."	--	--
hint_wait		"Sterculius[16 as a footnote]"	"Sterculius/Sterculus"	"Give the privy some time to air out."	"Sterculius said you needed to wait for the privy to air out."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_palinurus	"Neptune"	"Neptune/Poseidon"	"Ask Palinurus where he can take you."	"Neptune said to ask Palinurus about destination ports."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_archie	"Priapus"	"Priapus"	"Might as well get some shore leave in."	"Priapus said to take advantage of the downtime."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_clap	"Asclepius"	"Asclepius"	"You should seek medical attention."	"Asclepius said to find a doctor."	--	--
hint_gate		"Jana"	"Jana/Janus"		"Hmmm.  I guess it's a big secret how to open the gate.  I wonder who can tell you secrets?"	"Jana said you needed to find someone to tell you the secret of the necropolis gate"	--	--
hint_weed		"Flora"	"Flora"	"The doctor told you that magic weed grows on graves.  Why don't you try searching some of the tombs for it?"	"Flora suggested you search some of the tombs for the weed."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_cuma	"Apollo"		"Apollo"	"You came here to ask the Sybil's advice, right?"	"Apollo told you to address your queries to the Sybil."	--	--	

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_jonah	"Yahweh"		"Jehovah/Jehova/Yahweh/YHWH/God/G-d/JHVH/El-Shaddai"	"Jonah?  What are you doing there?  Get down to Nineveh and preach, already!"	"Yahweh mistook you for Jonah, and told you to go to Nineveh to preach."	--	--
hint_judaea	"Yahweh"		"Jehovah/Jehova/Yahweh/YHWH/God/G-d/JHVH/El-Shaddai"	"[bold type]THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME[roman type].  And I refuse to give you any help until you get circumcised.  Chop chop!"	"Yahweh told you that a) you were to worship only him, and b) cut the end of your pecker off.  Yeah, like [italic type]that's[roman type] gonna happen."	--	--	

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_alexandria	"Thoth"	"Thoth"	"You should ask a librarian to find out the lore of the Golden Banana."	"Thoth suggested that you get a librarian to research the Golden Banana for you."	--	--
hint_currants	"Pomona[35 as a footnote]"	"Pomona"		"I bet that guard would like some fruit."	"Pomona suggested you find the guard some fruit."
hint_serapis	"Pluto"	"Pluto/Hades/Serapis"	"I've heard of you, mister.  When you get down to my kingdom, stay away from my wife!"	"Pluto said you'd better stay away from his wife."		--	--
hint_coffin	"Libitina[34 as a footnote]"	"Naena/Libitina"	"You might want to take a peek in Alexander's mausoleum."	"Libitina said you should look inside Alexander's tomb."	--	--
hint_cleopatra	"Priapus"	"Priapus"	"Can you hear me rolling my eyes?  I'm rolling my eyes.  C'mon, buddy, what do you [italic type]think[roman type] you should do?"	"Priapus was astonished that you hadn't yet tried to seduce Cleopatra."	--	--
hint_alexander	"Priapus"	"Priapus"	"So maybe it's a little nasty, but how often are you going to be all alone with the corpse of the greatest conqueror ever?"		"Priapus suggested that you should take advantage of the unique opportunity to bone Alexander's corpse."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_circumcision	"Puta"	"Puta"	"'You've got to get the skin off that banana some way.'"	"Puta[40 as a footnote] said you'd need to peel the Golden Banana."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_pirates	"Nehalennia[42 as a footnote]"	"Nehalennia"	"'Why did they put you through to me?  I'm a [italic type]Celtic[roman type] goddess.  You're on your own."	"Nehalennia said that, as you're a Roman rather than a Celtic traveller, you were on your own."	-- 	--
hint_cabin_boy	"Clayton Williams"	"Clayton/Williams" or "Clayton Williams"	"'It's inevitable, so you might as well relax and enjoy it[79 as a reference]."	"Clayton Williams advised you to relax and enjoy being raped by the pirate captain."	--	--
hint_rowing	"Poena[44 as a footnote]"	"Poena"	"'Ha!  Suck it up and do as you're told!"	"Poena told you to do as you were told in the Galley."	--	--
hint_woad		"Don Woods"	"Don/Woods/Crowther/Will" or "Don Woods" or "Will Crowther"	"Get out of this the same way you got into it: an ancient and mysterious Word of Power."	"Don Woods told you that you needed to re-invoke an ancient and mysterious Word of Power."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_battlement_recap	"Icarus"	"Icarus"	"Jump!"	"Icarus said to jump."	--	--
hint_lake_recap	"Neptune"	"Neptune/Poseidon"	"Looks like you[apostrophe]re gonna drown."	"Neptune said you were going to drown."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_alley		"Mercury"		"Mercury/Hermes"	"Alleys are shady places, full of criminals.  Don[apostrophe]t drop anything, and especially don[apostrophe]t drop the soap!"	"Mercury has warned you to be extra-careful in alleys."	--	--
hint_bone		"Pluto"		"Pluto/Hades/Serapis"	"You might look around to see who could use a new femur.  And keep your hands off my wife!"	"Pluto told you to look for someone who needed a new femur, and to stay away from Persephone."	--	--
hint_bone_boned	"Pluto"		"Pluto/Hades/Serapis"	"You boned my wife.  I[apostrophe]m not helping you.  Fuck off."	"Pluto was peeved with you for fucking Persephone."	--	--
hint_persephone	"Persephone"	"Persephone"	"I sure could use that hat, Stiffy!"	"Persephone wanted Stetson[apostrophe]s hat."	--	--
hint_stetson	"Vertumnus[15 as a footnote]"	"Vertumnus"	"He[apostrophe]s got a really nice garden, but you might want to find out what[apostrophe]s buried in it."	"Vertumnus said there[apostrophe]s something buried in Stetson[apostrophe]s garden."	--	--
hint_cerberus_guarding	"Janus"	"Janus"		"You[apostrophe]ve gotta get the dog away from the gate before you can go through it."	"Janus told you to get Cerberus away from the gate."	--	--
hint_cerberus_intrigued	"Vertumnus[15 as a footnote]"	"Vertumnus"	"That dog will follow you now; take him to the garden."	"Vertumnus told you to take the dog to the garden."	--	--
hint_tiresias	"Eros"		"Eros"		"How many times are you going to get the chance to fuck a hermaphrodite?"	"Eros said you should bang Tiresias."	--	--
hint_sweeny	"Bacchus"		"Bacchus/Dionysos"	"Poor Sweeny seems awfully thirsty.  Find him a drink."	"Bacchus wanted you to bring Sweeny a drink."	--	--
hint_olive		"Ceres"		"Ceres/Demeter"	"That olive really needs brining.  Have you seen any vinegar?"	"Ceres felt you could use vinegar to brine the olive."	--	--
hint_madame	"Bacchus"		"Bacchus/Dionysos"	"Madame Sosostris would follow someone who brought her an olive just about anywhere."	"Bacchus thought you should find an olive for Madame Sosostris."	--	--
hint_charon	"Asclepius"	"Asclepius"	"Charon[apostrophe]s leg is bothering him.  Seen anything that might help?"	"Asclepius thought that Charon[apostrophe]s leg needed fixing, and that you could help him."	--	--
hint_agamemnon	"Sterculius[16 as a footnote]"	"Sterculius/Sterculus"	"Some people don[apostrophe]t like being constantly shat upon.  Can you find him a shield?"	"Sterculius sent you to find something to shield Agamemnon from the bird guano."	--	--
hint_tantalus	"Bacchus"		"Bacchus/Dionysos"	"Tantalus is really, [italic type]really[roman type] thirsty.  Get that man a drink!"	"Bacchus commanded you to get Tantalus a drink."	--	--
hint_sweeny_horny	"Venus"		"Venus/Aphrodite"	"Maybe you could fix Sweeny up with a date?"	"Venus wanted you to find Sweeny a date."	--	--
hint_madame_horny	"Venus"		"Venus/Aphrodite"	"Madame S. needs to get laid.  Badly."		"Venus thought Madame Sosostris needed to find a man."	--	--
hint_grahams	"Mercury"		"Mercury/Hermes"	"The Grahams are pretty boring, but they[apostrophe]ve got something you need.  Best separate them from it."	"Mercury told you that the Grahams had something you needed, which you needed to part them from."	--	--


Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_kentucky	"Don Woods"	"Don/Woods/Crowther/Will" or "Don Woods" or "Will Crowther"	"Heh.  Sorry, Stiffy: you[apostrophe]re fucked."	"Don Woods told you that you[apostrophe]re fucked."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_mantua	"Calliope[46 as a footnote]"		"Calliope/Kalliope"		"Why don't you do what Vergil suggests?"	"Calliope suggested you follow Vergil's lead."	--	--
hint_doolittle	"Diana"	"Diana"	"'Wouldn't it be nice to be able to understand that duck better?'"	"Diana thinks you should find a way to understand the duck."	--	--
hint_good_wine	"Bacchus"	"Bacchus/Dionysos"	"The good wine probably will take some finding."	"Bacchus said that the good wine was probably better-hidden"	--	--
hint_moonmilk	"Luna"	"Luna/Selene"		"Have a closer look at the moonmilk."	"Luna told you to examine the moonmilk more carefully"		--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_fur	"Chione"	"Chione/Khione"	"You'd better find some warm clothing"	"Chione suggested you find some warm clothes."	--	--
hint_stick	"Mercury"	"Mercury/Hermes"	"A walking stick would come in handy"		"Mercury told you to find a walking stick."	--	--

Table of Prayer (Continued)
state	governing deity	topic	advice	summary	turn stamp	place
hint_trivia		"Trivia"		"Trivia"		"Oh, well played.  I am indeed Trivia, goddess of the Three Ways, slightly fewer than half of the liberal arts, esoteric knowledge, sixty-degree circular wedges, text adventurers, and, as I mentioned, the Last Lousy Point.  Would you like to score it?  It's yours for the taking."	"Trivia confirmed your guess at her identity."	--	--

[ Abeona: 14 ]
[ Vertumnus: 15 ]
[ Sterculius: 16 ]
[ Libitina: 34 ]
[ Pomona: 35 ]
[ Nehalennia: 42 ]
[ Poena: 44 ]

Chapter Three - "Hecatoncheries"

Table of Hecatoncheries Names
Name
"Briarus"
"Agaeon"
"Cottos"
"Gyes"
"Gyges"

Part Nine - "Amusing Actions"

Rule for amusing a victorious player:
	say "Have you tried ...";
	repeat through the Table of Amusing Actions
	begin;
		say "   [subject entry][line break]";
	end repeat;
	say "[paragraph break]".

Table of Amusing Actions
Subject
"Examining the ledger in the Hotel Metropole?"
"[bullet] Numerous times?"
"[bullet] [bullet] And then consulting the ledger about one of the obvious suspects?"
"Praying for help in the [italic type]Colossal Cave[roman type] section?"
"Praying as Eris?"
"Asking everyone you meet about Syra?"
"XYZZY?"
"[bullet] In the intro, or after pleasing Jupiter Virilis but before arriving in Hades?"
"Converting to Judaism?"
"SCORE?"
"[bullet] As Eris?"
"[bullet] [bullet] After bargaining with Argus?"
"Looking for Syra on the Olympian game board?"
"Rolling the dice?"
"[bullet] Several times?"
"[bullet] Rolling polyhedral dice (e.g. 1d12+2)?"
"[bullet] [bullet] Rolling 1d20?"
"[bullet] [bullet] [bullet] Until you get a 20?"
"[bullet] [bullet] [bullet]  Until you get a 1?"
"[bullet] [bullet] [bullet] [bullet] As Stiffy?"
"Taking the Stiffy Makane figurine as Stiffy?"
"Not arising when the opportunity presents itself?"

	
Part Ten - "Nautical Directions"

Fore is a direction.  The opposite of fore is aft.  Understand "f" as fore when the location is in Shipboard.
Aft is a direction.  The opposite of aft is fore.  Understand "a" as aft when the location is in Shipboard.
Starboard is a direction.  The opposite of starboard is port.  Understand "sb" as starboard when the location is in Shipboard.
Port is a direction.  The opposite of port is starboard.  Understand "p" as port when the location is in Shipboard.

Going fore is going nautical.  Going aft is going nautical.  Going port is going nautical.  Going starboard is going nautical.
Going north is going lubberly.  Going south is going lubberly.  Going east is going lubberly.  Going west is going lubberly.

Instead of going nautical when the location is not in Shipboard, say "Arrr, matey!  Use lubberly directions when ye be ashore!"
Instead of going lubberly when the location is in Shipboard, say  "Arrr, matey!  Use nautical directions when ye be at sea!"

Index map with fore mapped as north. Index map with aft mapped as south. Index map with port mapped as west. Index map with starboard mapped as east.

Part Eleven - "Unicode Compliance"

Unicode compliance is a number that varies.

To check Unicode compliance:
	(- unicodecompset(); -);

Include (-

[ UnicodeCompSet;
	(+ unicode compliance +) = glk_gestalt(gestalt_Unicode,0);
];

-)

em dash translates into Unicode as 8212.
latin small letter u with diaeresis translates into Unicode as 252.
latin small letter e with acute translates into Unicode as 233.
latin capital letter o with stroke translates into Unicode as 216.


To say emdash:
	if Unicode Compliance is 1
	begin;
		say "[Unicode em dash]";
	otherwise;
		say "--";
	end if.

To say u-diaeresis:
	if Unicode Compliance is 1
	begin;
		say "[Unicode latin small letter u with diaeresis]";
	otherwise;
		say "ue";
	end if.
	
To say e-acute:
	if Unicode Compliance is 1
	begin;
		say "[Unicode latin small letter e with acute]";
	otherwise;
		say "e[apostrophe]";
	end if.	
	
To say o-stroke:
	if Unicode Compliance is 1
	begin;
		say "[Unicode latin capital letter o with stroke]";
	otherwise;
		say "Oe";
	end if.	
bullet point translates into Unicode as 8226.

To say bullet:
	if Unicode Compliance is 1
	begin;
		say "[Unicode bullet point]";
	otherwise;
		say "*";
	end if.
	
To say Greek-Kallisti:
	say "[unicode Greek capital letter kappa][unicode Greek capital letter alpha][unicode Greek capital letter lamda][unicode Greek capital letter lamda][unicode Greek capital letter iota][unicode Greek capital letter sigma][unicode Greek capital letter tau][unicode Greek capital letter iota]".
	
To say Greek-lament:
	say "[Unicode Greek capital letter alpha with psili][Unicode Greek small letter pi][Unicode Greek small letter omicron][Unicode Greek small letter theta][Unicode Greek small letter alpha][Unicode Greek small letter nu][Unicode Greek small letter epsilon][Unicode Greek small letter iota with perispomeni][Unicode Greek small letter nu] [Unicode Greek small letter theta][Unicode Greek small letter epsilon with oxia][Unicode Greek small letter lamda][Unicode greek small letter omega]".
	
To say Runic-Impenetrable:
	say "[Unicode runic letter isaz is iss i][Unicode runic letter mannaz man m][Unicode runic letter pertho peorth p][Unicode runic letter ehwaz eh e][Unicode runic letter naudiz nyd naud n][Unicode runic letter ehwaz eh e][Unicode runic letter tiwaz tir tyr t][Unicode runic letter raido rad reid r][Unicode runic letter ac a][Unicode runic letter berkanan beorc bjarkan b][Unicode runic letter laukaz lagu logr l][Unicode runic letter ehwaz eh e]".
	
To say Anais:
	if Unicode Compliance is 1
	begin;
		say "Ana[Unicode 239]s";
	otherwise;
		say "Anais";
	end if.

Part Twelve - "Text Styles"

To set note style:
	 (- glk($0086,6); -).
	
To set normal style:
	 (- glk($0086,0); -).
	

Table of User Styles (continued)
style name	justification	obliquity	indentation	first-line indentation		boldness		fixed width	relative size
special-style-1	center-justified	no-obliquity	0	0			bold-weight	proportional-font	-1
special-style-2	center-justified	italic-obliquity	0	0			regular-weight	proportional-font	0

Part Thirteen - "Current Row"

The stored row is a number that varies.

To decide which number is the current row: (- ct_1 -).

Part Fourteen - "Testing Check"

To decide if testing is in progress: (- (TestCheck()) -).
To decide if testing is not in progress: (- (~~TestCheck()) -).

Include (-
[ TestCheck ; if (test_stack-->2 > 1) rtrue; rfalse; ];
-).

Part Fifteen - "Silent Score-Setting"
	
To silently set the score to (val - number):
	(- score={val}; last_score={val}; -).


Part Sixteen - "Sanity-Checking"

[This is ripped from the documentation, and exists mainly to trap actions on scenery]

The sanity-check rules are a rulebook.
This is the sanity-check stage rule: 
    abide by the sanity-check rules.

The sanity-check stage rule is listed after the before stage rule in the action-processing rules.

Part Seventeen - "Ground Rules"

Table of Dedicants
Dedicant			Epigram
"Graham Nelson"		"il miglior fabbro"
"Emily Short"		"la migliore fabbra"
"Ezra Pound"		"il miglior fabbro"
"T.S. Eliot"		"il miglior fabbro"
"Jacek Pudlo"		"il miglior fabbro"
"Steve Breslin"		"il peggior fabbro"
"Robb Sherwin"		"il miglior fabbro"
"Andrew Plotkin"		"il miglior fabbro"
"Mark Ryan"		"il miglior uomo"

Rule for printing the banner text during Medias Res: do nothing.

This is the major-scene-change rule:
	if testing is not in progress, pause the game;
	now the last_wanking_turn is 0;
	now the last_pissing_turn is 0;
	now the last_shitting_turn is 0.
	
Every turn:
	follow the adjust light rule;
	if in darkness
	begin;
		increase the global_darkness_counter by 1;
		let N be the global_darkness_counter;
		if N > 1
		begin;
			let M be the global_darkness_counter - 1;
			if a random chance of M in N succeeds
			begin;
				say "Very close behind you, you hear a small, nasty chuckle, just before the blinding pain begins.";
				end the story saying "You have been eaten by a grue";
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say "You are likely to be eaten by a grue[14 as a reference].";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		now the global_darkness_counter is 0;
	end if.
	
When play begins:
	move Stiffy Makane to the battlement;
	now the player is Stiffy Makane;
	remove yourself from play;
	check Unicode compliance;
	now the right hand status line is "Score: [score]";
	remove first_footnote from play;
	remove first_reference from play;
	remove greenish pus from play;
	now the stiffycock is lit;
	now the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is blue;
	say "[paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	choose a random row in the Table of Dedicants;
	say "[first custom style]FOR [Dedicant entry in caps][roman type]";
	say "[paragraph break]";
	say "[second custom style][epigram entry][roman type]. [1 as a reference]";
	say "[paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	move the Golden Banana to Stiffy Makane;
	now the golden banana is handled;
	now the golden banana is warned_about.

[	Every turn:
	If a garment is worn and the player is Stiffy Makane, remove the stiffycock from play;
	otherwise move the stiffycock to Stiffy Makane. ]
	
	
Volume Two - "In Medias Res"

The Golden Banana of Discord is a thing.  "[if the golden banana is warned_about]The Golden Banana of Discord glistens with its own ineffable radiance[otherwise]A single metallic banana, in a brass sheath with bronze spots, adorns the very tip of the tree.  This can be nothing other than the Golden Banana of Discord[end if]."  The indefinite article of the golden banana is "the".  The description is "The Golden Banana Of Discord is about ten inches from tip to tip.  It's slightly curved.  [if the golden banana is warned_about]Its brass-and-bronze peel has been split away, revealing the golden fruit within.  In short, a banana, made out of gold[otherwise]You can't actually see whether it's really golden, because it is covered in a brass peel with bronze spots[end if]."

Check eating the golden banana: instead say "It's both metal and a unique holy relic.  Neither one of these things makes it very appetizing."  Check wanking off the Golden Banana: instead say "You give the banana a few experimental strokes, but nothing much happens."  Check tasting the golden banana: instead say "Metallic."  Check sucking the golden banana: instead say "It's the right shape, but cold and metallic."  Check rubbing the golden banana: instead try wanking off the golden banana.  

Check peeling the golden banana:
	if the golden banana is warned_about, instead say "The banana has already been peeled.";
	say "You are nowhere near strong enough to pry the brass-and-bronze sheath apart.";
	stop the action.
	
Check attacking the golden banana with the rusty machete:
	if the golden banana is warned_about, instead try peeling the golden banana;
	say "Sparks shower from the edge of the machete as you attempt to hack the banana's sheath with it, but the banana's peel remains unharmed.";
	stop the action.

Understand "curved", "ten", "inch", "inches", "gold", "brass", "bronze", "peel", "sheath", "spotted", and "spots" as the Golden Banana of Discord.  Does the player mean doing something with the Golden Banana: it is very likely.

Book One - "The Flight of the Banana"

Medias Res is a recurring scene.  Medias Res ends when the location is the lake.  NN is a number that varies.  NN is 1.  Medias Res begins when the location of the player is the Battlement.  Medias Res begins when play begins. 

Every turn during Medias Res:
	if the location is the Battlement for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Baldanders" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	If NN is greater than the number of rows in the Table of Baldander's Actions
	begin;
		say "A crushing blow from the giant's mace strikes you full in the chest.  Your mouth fills with blood as you pinwheel towards the dark water far below.";
		end the story saying "You have been bludgeoned to death";
	otherwise;
		if the stiffycock is held by the player
		begin;
			say "The giant glances at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing genitals and sniggers. [paragraph break]";
		end if;
		say "[Event in row NN of the Table Of Baldander's Actions][paragraph break]";
		now NN is NN + 1;
	end if.
	
Test intro with "X chief/  X me/  Attack chief/  Jump/  Swim south/  D/  N/  X foot".

Test min-intro with "jump/z/z/z/z".

Scotland is a region.  The Battlement and the Lake are in Scotland.
		
Part One - "Battlement"

The Battlement is a room.  "The battlement perches precariously over the long, long drop into the black waters of the lake.  The rest of the castle is accessible through a doorway to the south."  The lake_scenery is scenery in the battlement.  "The lake looks very cold, very black, and very far away."  Understand "lake", "loch", "ness", "water", "black", and "cold" as lake_scenery.  The printed name is "lake".   Some battlement_scenery are scenery in the battlement.  "The wet, gray flagstones of the ancient castle are slippery with rain."  Understand "wet", "old", "ancient", "castle", "rest", "gray", and "flagstones" as battlement_scenery.  It is ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "flagstones".

The scottish_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in the Battlement.  It is in the Lake.  The description is "Rain sluices down from a lead-dark sky."  Understand "empty", "air", "lead", "dark", "sky", "leaden", "rain", "rainy", "cloud", "fog", "foggy", and "clouds" as the scottish_sky_scenery. 

Check dropping the Banana during Medias Res: instead say "Not after all you went through to get it."

Check going north in the battlement: instead say "If you mean to jump into the lake, just say so.  If you don't, there's nothing there but the empty air."  Check going east in the battlement: instead try going north.  Check going west in the battlement: instead try going north.

Check going down from the battlement for the first time: instead say "The only way down is to jump.  You might not survive the fall or the subsequent immersion."  Check going down from the battlement for the second time: instead try jumping.  The Lake is down from the Battlement.  Check diving when the location is the Battlement: instead try jumping.  Check jumping into the lake_scenery: instead try jumping.  Check diving into the lake_scenery: instead try jumping.

Check jumping when the location is the Battlement: 
	say "Offering up a silent prayer, you leap from the battlement and plummet toward the water below...[paragraph break][paragraph break]*SPLASH*[paragraph break][paragraph break]Surfacing and spitting out dark, bitter water, you realize that you seem to have survived.  However, in water this icy, you surely will not for long.[paragraph break]";
	now NN is 0;
	now the description of Stiffy Makane is "Cold.  So very, very cold.";
	move the player to the Lake;
	stop the action.
	
Check wanking when the location is the Battlement:
	instead say "There's a time and a place for everything, and now is very much not the time for that."
Check shitting when the location is the Battlement:
	instead try pissing.
Check pissing when the location is the Battlement:
	instead say "You're scared, but not that scared."

Part Two - "Baldanders" 

[* This scene borrows heavily from Gene Wolfe's Sword of the Lictor]	
Baldanders is a man in the Battlement.  The printed name of Baldanders is "the Gostak chief".  The indefinite article of Baldanders is "the".  The description of Baldanders is "The Gostak chief[6 as a reference][7 as a reference] is a giant of a man, with lank, thinning blond hair[8 as a reference].  He carries an enormous mace, which he wields as if it weighed nothing at all."  Understand "Gostak", "chief", "chieftan", "giant", and "man" as Baldanders.  The default reply of Baldanders is "The giant is in no mood for conversation."  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Baldanders: no.  Baldanders is unspeakable.

The hair is part of Baldanders.  The description is "Lank, thin blonde hair is stretched across the giant's skull."  Understand "lank", "blonde", "blond", "thin", "thinning", and "yellow" as the hair.

The mace is held by Baldanders.  The description is "The huge iron mace crackles with eldritch fire."  Understand "iron", "mace", "eldritch", "fire", "fiery", and "huge" as the mace.  Instead of throwing the toga at the mace, try throwing the toga at Baldanders.  Instead of taking the mace, say "The giant swings the mace in a sizzling arc, driving you back."

The kilt is a garment worn by Baldanders.  The description is "The giant's kilt hangs almost to his knees, the distinctive tartan of Clan Gostak."  Understand  "tartan", and "skirt" as kilt.

Check going south in the battlement:
	if Baldanders is in the battlement, instead say "The Gostak chief steps smoothly into the doorway, laughing nastily as he twirls his mace.";
	say "BUG!  How did you get here?";
	stop the action.
	
Check fucking Baldanders:
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "You aren't undressed for the occasion."; 
	otherwise;
		say "You are a lover, not a fighter.  You'd need to be awfully good at both to hope to succeed at that.";
	end if;
	stop the action.

Check inserting anything into Baldanders: instead try kissing Baldanders.

Check kissing Baldanders:
	instead say "You'd have to get past the mace first.  Not much chance of that."

Instead of sucking, rubbing, wanking off, blowing, or eating Baldanders:
	say "What with the mace, you can't get close enough to even peek up his kilt and see what's under there."
	
Instead of attacking Baldanders, say "The giant contemptuously beats aside your puny blow with his gargantuan mace.  You are, after all, a lover, not a fighter."  

Instead of attacking Baldanders with [t - something preferably held], try attacking Baldanders.  Instead of kicking Baldanders, try attacking Baldanders.  Instead of pushing Baldanders, try kissing Baldanders.

Check throwing the toga at Baldanders:
	if the toga is worn by the player
	begin;
		say "You're still wearing the toga.  That won't work.";
	otherwise;
		remove the toga from play;
		say "The giant makes a complicated swoop with his mace, wraps your toga around it, and flings it high and wide over the battlement, where it spirals flapping into the darkness below.";
	end if;
	stop the action.
	
Check throwing the banana at Baldanders:
	say "Even in your extremity, you are unwilling to relinquish the Golden Banana of Discord.";
	stop the action.	

Instead of putting the toga on the mace, try throwing the toga at Baldanders.

Table of Baldander's Actions
Event
"The Gostak chief aims a vicious blow at your head.  You twist away desperately, skidding on the wet flagstones.  The mace smashes into the stone, throwing a shower of sparks."
"The giant jabs at you with the mace, forcing you to retreat towards the edge of the battlement."
"The chieftan sneers.  'I'll distim [italic type]your[roman type] dosh, laddie!' he cries in a barbarically thick accent.  He looks quite pleased with himself for this linguistic feat."
"The giant pulverizes a flagstone from which you leapt just in time."
"The Gostak chief drives you towards the drop with a terrifying flourish of his mace."
"A glancing blow catches your shoulder, sending you reeling to the very verge of the battlement."



Book Two - "Say, is That a Tentacle?"

Slowly drowning is a recurring scene.  Slowly drowning begins when the location is the Lake.  Slowly drowning ends flashbackily when the time since Slowly drowning began is 5 minutes and the current dejavuity is fresh.  Slowly drowning ends hellishly when the time since Slowly drowning began is 5 minutes and the current dejavuity is familiar.

When Slowly drowning begins:
	Now the coldness of Stiffy Makane is 60;

Every turn during Slowly drowning:
	Now NN is NN + 1;
	say "[message in row NN of the Table of Drowning Actions][paragraph break]";

The Lake is a water_room.  "The lake waters are deadly cold.  The craggy southern shore, upon which is perched the Gostak castle, seems impossibly far away.  In all other directions, the lake stretches without visible end."  Up from the lake is nowhere. 

Instead of going south in the Lake: say "You paddle painfully towards shore, but make only the tiniest progress."  Instead of going down in the lake when NN is 0, say "Icy spray lashes your face."  Instead of going down in the lake, say "It seems likely that you'll be headed that way soon enough."  Instead of going north in the lake, say "Perversely, you swim away from the shore, but don't get far in that direction either."   Instead of going west in the lake, say "Swimming parallel to the shore gets you, as expected, neither closer nor farther away from dry land."  Instead of going east in the lake, try going west.  Instead of diving in the lake, try going down.  Instead of diving into the scenery_water, try going down.  Instead of jumping in the lake, say "Not likely."  Instead of jumping into the scenery_water, say "Out of the frying pan into the fire, or, more accurately, from the lake to the lake.  Well played." 

The scenery_water is scenery in the Lake.  The description is "The water is icy cold, dark, and very deep indeed."  Understand "lake","water","dark","deep", "frigid", "icy", "spray", and "cold" as scenery_water.  Before tasting or drinking the scenery_water, instead say "Bitter and frigid."  The printed name is "lake".  Instead of digging the scenery_water, say "Digging in water would be a neat trick, wouldn't it?" Instead of swimming around in the scenery_water, try swimming.  

Some slimy_scenery_things are scenery in the Lake.  The description is "Occasionally cold, slimy things brush against you.  You can't see them, though, and you have no effort to spend on their pursuit."  The printed name is "slimy things".  Understand "fish", "fishes", "slimy", "denizen", "wriggly", "denizens", "thing", "things", "tentacular", "tentacle", and "tentacles" as the slimy_scenery_things.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the slimy_scenery_things, try examining the slimy_scenery_things.  Before taking the slimy_scenery_things, instead try examining the slimy_scenery_things.

Check dropping something (called S) in the Lake: 
	if S is the Golden Banana
	begin;
		say "It would surely be lost forever.  You will not part with it now.";
	otherwise;
		if S is the stiffycock
		begin;
			say "It's so tiny and shrunken right now that it really isn't hindering your swimming.  Besides, you can't.";
		otherwise;
			say "[The S] vanishes beneath the icy waters with a forlorn 'bloop' sound.";
			remove S from play;
		end if;
	end if;
	stop the action.
	
Check kicking during Slowly drowning:
	instead say "Your frantic thrashing in the water avails you naught."
	
Check kicking_nothing during Slowly Drowning:
	instead say  "Your frantic thrashing in the water avails you naught."

Check listening during Slowly drowning:
	instead say "Blood roars in your ears."
	
Check swimming during Slowly drowning:
	instead say "What did you think you were doing [italic type]before[roman type]?"

Check wanking during Slowly drowning:
	instead say "In water this cold you'd be lucky even to find it."
	
Check pissing during Slowly drowning:
	consider the gotta-pee rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	now the last_pissing_turn is the turn count;
	say "The water becomes warm, very briefly, but it doesn't help for long.";
	stop the action.
	
Check shitting during Slowly drowning:
	instead say "The water is so cold that there's no way you can unclench."

Table of Drowning Actions
message
"The frigid water is sapping your strength."
"You hear your blood roaring in your ears as you frantically try to stay afloat."
"Something cold and wriggly brushes your foot."
"You start to slip beneath the water, but, choking, get your head above the surface again."
"Your strength is nearly exhausted."
	
When Slowly Drowning ends:
	say "As you flounder feebly in the lake, something slimy and tentacular grabs your leg and yanks you under the surface.  As the frigid waters close around you and everything goes black, the voice of the seer echoes in your ears: [italic type]Fear death by water[roman type][9 as a reference].[paragraph break]";
	now the description of Stiffy Makane is "Stiffy Makane (Mentula Macanus[5 as a footnote]): perhaps not the noblest Roman of them all[3 as a reference], but certainly one of the better-hung[if Stiffy Makane is filthy].  Also one of the more-covered-in-sewage, alas[end if].";
	now the coldness of Stiffy Makane is 0;
	now the stiffycock is not lit;
	if the current dejavuity is fresh
	begin;
		say "As your life passes before your eyes, your recollections pause at that fateful morning in the Forum when all your adventures, and all your troubles, began.[paragraph break][paragraph break]  [paragraph break][paragraph break]";
		follow the major-scene-change rule;
		repeat with possession running through things held by the player begin;
			if possession is not part of the player
			begin;
				remove possession from play;
			end if;
		end repeat;
		move the toga to the player;
		now the toga is worn by the player;
		remove the stiffycock from play;
		now the turn count is 1;
		now NN is 1;
		now the current dejavuity is familiar;
		say "[banner text][paragraph break]";
		consider the stating-the-license rule;
		consider the tell-the-newbies rule;
		consider the announcing-the-credits rule;
		now the golden banana is not handled;
		now the golden banana is not_warned_about;
		move the golden banana to Top of the Banana Tree;
		move the player to the Forum;
		really have the parser notice the roman_pbs;
	otherwise;
		say paragraph break;
		say paragraph break;
		now the player is Divine Eris;
	end if.

Volume Three - "SPQR"

Stiffy In Rome is a scene.  Stiffy In Rome begins when Slowly Drowning ends flashbackily.  Stiffy in Rome ends when the apple is boinked.  When Stiffy in Rome ends:
	say "Swiftly dressing, you return home to your family's house in Ostia to plan your quest for the Golden Banana of Discord...[paragraph break][paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	follow the major-scene-change rule;
	now the toga is worn by the player;
	remove the stiffycock from play;
	move sewage to Sewers;
	move sewer_ceiling to Generic_Sewers;
	really have the parser notice the plain wooden door;
	move the player to the Stiffy Love Nest.

Populated_Rome is a  region.  The Forum and the Via Sacra are rooms in Populated_Rome.

Rome is a region.  Populated_Rome is in Rome.  The Curia Steps, the Curia Interior, the Temple of Eris, the Altar of Eris, the Temple of Jupiter Virilis, the Twisty Little Alley, the Artist's Hut, the Phallus Interior, and the Seedy Tavern are in Rome. 

Every turn during Stiffy In Rome:
	if the bottle of wine is off-stage, move the scenery_wine to the Seedy Tavern;
	if the location is in Populated_Rome, move the roman_pbs to the location;
	if the location is in Populated_Rome, move the not_really_pbs to the location;
	if the location is the Phallus Interior for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Julia" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	if the location is the Temple of Eris for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row  with a character of "The Golden Apple" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	if the roman_pbs are in the location and a random chance of 1 in 5 succeeds and the number of rows in the Table of Roman Occurrences is greater than 1
	begin;
		choose a random row in the Table of Roman occurrences;
		if the description entry is not "placeholder"
		begin;
			say "[description entry][paragraph break]";
			blank out the whole row;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is the Seedy Tavern and a random chance of 1 in 4 succeeds
	begin;
		if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds, say "A drunkard begins to sing an obscene song, but can't remember the words, and lapses into besotted silence.";
		otherwise say "An eructation, a whiff of sour wine, a splash, a thump, and stentorian snores signify the end of someone else's drinking evening.";
	end if.


Every turn during Stiffy In Rome:
	if the stiffycock is held by the player
	begin;
		if the player is in the Phallus Interior and Julia is on the Altar
		begin;
			if Julia is not_warned_about
			begin;
				now Julia is warned_about;
				say "Julia blushes.  'Cover up that thing or I'll scream,' she warns you.";
			otherwise;
				say "Julia points at your exposed penis and screams, just like she said she would.  Jupiter Virilis is not amused.  A swift lightning bolt reduces you to a pile of greasy ash on the floor.";
				end the story saying "You have been incinerated";
			end if;
		end if;
		if the player is in the Twisty Little Alley
		begin;
			if the aureus is not_warned_about
			begin; [There's nothing special about the aureus; it just had an unused property we could coopt]
				say "Wandering around the seamier parts of the city unclothed is just begging for trouble.";
				now the aureus is warned_about;
			otherwise;
				say "What were you told about nakedness and dark alleys?";
				end the story saying "You have been raped to pieces";
			end if;
		end if;
		if the location of the Artist is the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds, say "The artist looks at your exposed penis and rolls his eyes.";
		if the location of the Priest of Jupiter Virilis is the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds, say "The priest glances at your cock and gulps hurriedly at his wine.";
		if the location of Caesar's friends is the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			let T be "Naughtius Maximus";
			if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds, now T is "Biggus Dickus";
			if a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds, now T is "Magnus Prickus";
			say "One of the sycophants[emdash][T], you think[emdash]gives you two thumbs up and an 'OK' sign.";
		end if;
		if the roman_pbs are in the location and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds, say "You notice passers-by, male and female, checking out your junk, some with approving nods, some with pursed lips and angry frowns.";
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy In Rome:
	if the location is the Phallus Interior and Slutty_Julia is on the Altar and the stiffycock is not lit and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
	begin;
		if Slutty_Julia is unboinked
		begin;
			say "Julia [if the stiffycock is visible]stares hungrily at your penis and [end if]whispers huskily, 'Jupiter doesn't mind if I see other people now.'";
		otherwise;
			if the nosejob_hints of Slutty_Julia is 0, say "Julia murmurs, 'I wonder if a girl can get a nose job around here?'";
			if nosejob_hints of Slutty_Julia is 1, say "Julia taps her enormous nose ruminatively.  'How hard,' she asks of no one in particular, 'can it be, to blow a girl's nose?'";
			if nosejob_hints of Slutty_Julia is greater than one, say "Julia declaims: 'Oh, Divine Jupiter, what will it take for this fool to [fixed letter spacing]GIVE A NOSE JOB TO JULIA[variable letter spacing]?'";
			increase nosejob_hints of Slutty_Julia by 1;
		end if;
	end if.	
	
Table of Roman Occurrences
description
"placeholder"
"A man and a woman have a brief screaming match, which escalates into a shoving match.  Then they storm off in opposite directions."
"A juggler with a monkey on a leash passes through the crowd, the monkey catching coins that passers-by fling."
"Driven by a cruel-looking legionnaire with a whip, a string of miserable prisoners in chains is marched past."
"You are nudged to one side as a curtained sedan chair charges through the crowd, six gasping German slaves propelling it at a dead run towards some unknown destination."
"A small knot of arguing senators wanders past in their purple-striped togas, surrounded by menacing bodyguards with clubs."
"In the distance, a mustachioed Gaul with a despondent bear on a chain briefly coaxes it into a shambling dance.  The crowd cheers."

Test Rome1 with "W/ W/ Test Julia/ E/ E/ N"

Test Rome2 with "Test Caesar/ N/ Get Bag/ S/ S/ E"

Test Rome3 with "E/ E/ Test Artist/  W/ N/  Test Priest/  S/ W/ W/ W/ W"

Test Rome4 with "Test sluttyjulia/ E/ E/ S/ S/ Test Apple"

Test Rome with "Credits / Test Rome1/ Test Rome2/ Test Rome3/ Test Rome4"

Test min-rome with "n/remove toga/fuck caesar/wear toga/n/get bag/s/s/e/e/e/give bag/give coin/w/n/give mask/s/w/w/w/w/blow nose/e/e/s/s/remove toga/fuck apple".

Book One - "Forum and environs"


The Forum is a room.  The description is "This is the Forum.  White marble stretches off in all directions.  To the west is the Temple of Jupiter Virilis.  The Curia is north[if Caesar is in the Curia steps], its steps cluttered with a knot of men[end if].  To the east you can see the Via Sacra, and the Temple of Eris gleams golden to the south.  Crowds of people fill the space."  East of the forum is the Via Sacra. 

The marble is scenery in the Forum.  The description is "The white marble gives the Forum a  decidedly distinguished air."  The printed name is "marble".  

The scenery_temple_eris is scenery in the Forum.  The printed name is "Temple of Eris".  The description is "The Temple of Eris is a smallish square building, painted yellow and hung with brass plates around the walls.  It's Greek in appearance, with a peaked brass-plated roof."  Understand "temple", "of", "eris", "brass","brass-plated","yellow", "peak", and "peaked"  as scenery_temple_eris. 
The scenery_temple_jupiter is scenery in the forum.  The printed name is "Temple of Jupiter Virilis". The description is "The temple of Jupiter Virilis juts into the sky, a cylindrical building in pink marble, capped with a red sandstone dome."  Understand "temple", "of", "jupiter", "virilis", "pink", "tower", "cylindrical", "red", "sandstone", and "dome" as scenery_temple_jupiter. 

The sacra_scenery is scenery in the forum.  The printed name is "Via Sacra".  The description is "The Sacred Way is off to your east."  Understand "via", "sacra", "way", and "sacred" as sacra_scenery.  

The curia_scenery is a backdrop.  It is in the Forum.  It is in the Curia Steps.  The printed name is "Curia".  The description is "The Curia burned down a few years ago, so at this point, it's basically a set of wide steps leading up to a construction site[If Caesar is in the Curia Steps and the location is not the Curia Steps].  There are several men in togas[emdash]Caesar's sycophants, perhaps[emdash]gathered on the steps[end if]."

Understand "Curia", "construction", and "site" as curia_scenery.  

Some men_scenery are scenery in the forum.  The description is "It looks like Caesar and his friends, but it's hard to be sure from here."  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "sycophants".  Understand "man", "men", "Caesar", "friends", "friend", "Julius", "steps", "sycophants", "sycophant", and "people" as men_scenery.  Does the player mean doing something with the men_scenery: it is likely.

The roman_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in the Forum.  It is in the Via Sacra.  It is in the Curia Steps.  It is in the Twisty Little Alley.  The description is "Today is a sunny but breezy and cool morning in early spring.  The sun beams down from a clear blue sky."  Understand "blue", "sky", "sun", and "breeze" as roman_sky_scenery.

The Via Sacra is a room.  The description is "The Via Sacra doesn't look too sacred from here, although it is choked with people rushing past on errands of their own.  The Forum is west.  To the north and east, the city deteriorates into a maze of twisty little alleys, all alike."   Instead of going east in the Via Sacra, try going north.

 The forum_scenery is a backdrop.  It is in the Via Sacra, the Curia Interior, and the Curia Steps.  The printed name is "Forum".  The description is "The Forum gleams a distinguished white off to the [if location is the Via Sacra]west[otherwise]south[end if]."  Understand "forum" as forum_scenery.

Some roman_pbs are men in the Forum.  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "passers-by".  They are scenery.  The description of the roman_pbs is "Crowds of men and women throng the streets, Romans going about the daily business of the greatest city in the world." Understand "crowd", "crowds", "man", "woman", "men", "people", "passer", "passers", "passerby", "passer-byes", "passers-by", "women", "roman", and "romans" as roman_pbs.  The default reply of the roman_pbs is "They rush by, in too much of a hurry to converse with you."  Instead of pushing, pulling, or attacking the roman_pbs, say "You are many things.  Inclined to randomly assault your countrymen-and-women is not among those things."  Instead of fucking the roman_pbs, say "The last time you did that, you got hauled in front of the magistrate.  Your father was very angry with you indeed."  The roman_pbs are unspeakable.

Some not_really_pbs are men in the Forum.  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "vanished spectacles".  They are scenery.  The description of the not_really_pbs is "You've lost sight of them in the crowd."  Understand "juggler", "monkey", "senator", "senators", "german", "germans", "germanic", "slave", "slaves", "curtain", "curtains", "curtainned", "sedan", "chair", "soldier", "slave", "prisoners", "prisoner", "whip", "legionnaire", "centurion", "chain", "chains", "shackles", "despondent", "bear", "gaul", "moustache", "mustachioed", "bodyguard", "bodyguards", "club", and "clubs" as the not_really_pbs.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the not_really_pbs, try examining the not_really_pbs.

Book Two - "Temple of Jupiter Virilis"

Part One - "Geography"

The Temple of Jupiter Virilis is west of the Forum.  The description is "This is a large temple dedicated to the god Jupiter in his aspect as Inseminator.  The Cultic Statue fills the center of the room; a small archway in its base, to the west, leads inside.  The forum is outside, to the east."  The Forum is outside from the Temple of Jupiter Virilis.

The scenery_statue is scenery in the Temple of Jupiter Virilis.  The printed name is "cultic statue".  Understand "cultic", "statue", "cultic statue", "phallus", "arch", and "archway" as scenery_statue.  The description of the scenery_statue is "An eighteen foot-high phallus, gold-plated, and named 'Sparky[1 as a footnote][15 as a reference],' stands proudly erect here."  Understand "Sparky" as scenery_statue.  Check taking the scenery_statue: instead say "Even on your best days, eighteen feet of penis is a bit much for you."   Instead of sucking the scenery_statue: try tasting the scenery_statue.  Instead of tasting the scenery_statue for the first time, say "The phallus tastes of metal.  Maybe it's your imagination, but it seems to stand a little straighter and shine a little brighter now."  Instead of tasting the scenery_statue, say "It tastes of metal."  Instead of entering the scenery_statue, try going west.  Instead of looking under the scenery_statue, say "It's sitting firmly on the ground."  Instead of climbing the scenery_statue, try taking the scenery_statue.  Instead of rubbing the scenery_statue, say "Perhaps it stands slightly straighter now."

The Phallus Interior is west of the Temple of Jupiter Virilis. "It's snug in here.  There's a little stone altar about four feet long in here, with large marble spheres at each side.  A small archway leads east back to the Temple of Jupiter Virilis."  The Temple of Jupiter Virilis is outside from the Phallus Interior.

The scenery_archway is scenery in the Phallus Interior.  The printed name is "archway".  The description is "The archway leads back out to the interior of the temple."  Understand "phallus", "arch" and "archway" as the scenery_archway.  Instead of entering the scenery_archway, try going east.

The stone altar is a supporter in the Phallus Interior.  It is scenery.  Instead of taking the stone altar, say "It's plainly far too heavy to lift."  The description is "This is a small stone altar, stained with centuries[apostrophe] worth of bodily fluids."  It is enterable.  Understand "stains", "stain", "fluid", "fluids", "blood", "cum", "semen", and "sperm" as the altar.

Some spheres are scenery in the phallus.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "sphere", "ball", "lumpy", "pitted",  "slick", and "balls" as spheres. The description is "The spheres are lumpy and pitted; clearly they are very old indeed."  Instead of smelling, tasting, or eating the spheres, say "Salty."  Instead of touching or rubbing the spheres, say "Slick and pitted."  Instead of rolling the spheres, say "The spheres are either too heavy to move, or simply affixed to the floor."  Instead of climbing the spheres, say "You try to scramble onto one of the spheres, but the stone is slick, and you slide off again."


Part Two - "Julia"

Julia is a woman on the altar. Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Julia: no. Julia is wearing a sacramental vestment.  The description of Julia is "Julia is a (mostly) very pretty young woman with jet-black hair.  Her striking brown eyes are red-rimmed, as if she has been crying.  Her nose...let's not mention her nose.  She wears the traditional vestment of the sacrificial virgin."  Understand "woman", "virgin", "vestal", and "sacrificial" as Julia.  The conversation of Julia is the Table of Julia's Chatter.  The default reply of Julia is  "Julia cries.  'Uhuhu!  Uhuhu[10 as a reference]!' ".  
	Julia's tears are part of Julia.  The description of Julia's tears is "Tears streak Julia's pretty face."  Understand "crying" as Julia's tears.
	Julia's hair is part of Julia.  The description of Julia's hair is "Julia's hair is black as night; she wears it in a simple braid tied with a red ribbon."  Understand "jet-black" and "braid" as Julia's hair. 
	The red ribbon is worn by Julia.  The description is "A cerise silk ribbon binds Julia's braid."  Understand "cerise" and "silk" as the red ribbon.
	Julia's eyes are part of Julia.  Julia's eyes are ambiguously plural.  The description of Julia's eyes is "Lovely deep-brown eyes, unpleasantly reddened."  Understand "eye", "reddened" and "brown" as Julia's eyes.
	Julia's nose is part of Julia.  The description of Julia's nose is "Well, there's no way around it.  Julia's nose is big and ugly."  Understand "big", "ugly", "horrible", "enormous", "beak", "hideous", "vile", and "abominable" as the nose.  Instead of blowing Julia's nose the first time: say "Julia is ritually consecrated to the priest of Jupiter Virilis.  To violate her purity would be an affront to Jupiter.  You don't want to go there."
	Instead of blowing Julia's nose: say "As was predicted, Jupiter takes rather grave exception to your messing around with his girl.  A well-placed lightning strike ends your career."; end the story saying "You have been incinerated".
	Instead of kissing Julia's nose, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of rubbing Julia's nose, try blowing Julia's nose.
	Julia's lips are part of Julia.  Julia's lips are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Julia's lips are not noteworthy enough to draw attention away from what hangs above them."  Understand "lip" and "mouth" as Julia's lips.		
	Julia's breasts are part of Julia.  Julia's breasts are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Julia's breasts look firm and delectable."  Understand "chest", "bosom", "firm", "delectable", "breast", "tit", "breasts", "hooter", "hooters", "boob", and "boobs" as Julia's breasts.

Instead of smelling Julia, say "Julia carries a faint scent of lilac."  Instead of tasting Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of touching Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.

Instead of giving the bag to Julia, say "Julia brightens slightly.  'That's a sweet idea....but how would the priest know I'm wearing it?  Why not give it to him instead?'"  Instead of putting the bag on Julia, try giving the bag to Julia.   Instead of giving the mask to Julia, say "Julia brightens slightly.  'That's a sweet idea....but how would the priest know I'm wearing it?  Why not give it to him instead?'"  Instead of putting the mask on Julia, try giving the mask to Julia

Instead of sucking Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of buggering Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of fucking Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of sucking Julia's nose, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of fucking Julia's nose, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of blowing Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of kissing Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of wanking off Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of rubbing Julia, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of kissing Julia's lips, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of fucking Julia's lips, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of sucking Julia's lips, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of kissing Julia's breasts, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of fucking Julia's breasts, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of sucking Julia's breasts, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of tasting Julia's breasts, try blowing Julia's nose.  Instead of touching Julia's breasts, try blowing Julia's nose.

The vestment is a garment. The description of the vestment is "The vestment is the traditional garb of the sacrificial virgin when she is offered to Jupiter Virilis.  It reflects Jupiter's divine tastes, in that it's flimsy and revealing and essentially meretricious.  It is sky-blue and made of very thin silk."  Understand "sacrificial", "flimsy", "meretricious", "blue", "sky", "sky-blue", "thin", and "silk" as the vestment.

Table of Julia's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"tears/crying"	"Julia sniffs, 'The priest is unable to perform his priestly duties.'"	"she is crying because the priest is impotent"	a number
"nose"	"Julia cries.  'My nose is ugly!  Uhuhu!  Uhuhu!'[10 as a reference]"	"her nose is ugly"	--
"nosejob" or "nose job"	"Julia blushes and looks away."	"she is embarrassed by the mention of a nose job"	--
"priest/impotent/impotence" or "priest of Jupiter" or "priest of Jupiter Virilis"	"Julia moans, 'The priest of the god cannot perform his duties.  I just know it's because of my horrible, hideous, vile, abominable nose!'"	"the priest is put off by her nose"	--
"Julia/herself/sacrifice/duty/duties/her/altar/temple"	"Julia groans, 'I was to have been today's sacrifice to Jupiter Virilis.  But now the priest cannot perform the ritual.  Oh!  The shame!  Uhuhu!  Uhuhu!'"	"she was to have been the sacrifice, but the priest is unable to perform"	--
"hair"	"Julia preens.  'Nice, isn't it?  I was [italic type]so[roman type] hoping that Jupiter would adorn it with his seed.  But...that is not to be.  Uhuhu!  Uhuhu!'"	"she is proud of her hair"	--
"Julius"	"Julia shrugs.  'My mother says he's sexy.  Unless you mean Caesar.  Mom thinks he's sexy too, though.'"	"Julia's mother thinks Julius Caesar is sexy"	--
"Caesar" or "Julius Caesar"	"Julia shrugs.  'My mother thinks he's sexy, but he's bald.'"	"Caesar's baldness is not a turn-on"	--
"Anthony/Tony/Brutus/Antony/Naughtius/Maximus/Biggus/Dickus/Magnus/Prickus/friends/sycophants" or "Naughtius Maximus" or "Biggus Dickus" or "Magnus Prickus"	"Julia shrugs with a small grimace of distaste."	"she doesn't care much for Caesar's friends"	--
"mother"	"Julia looks suspicious.  'You leave my mother out of this.'"	"she doesn't want to talk about her mother"	--
"Aemilia/Ameliam"	"Julia looks [italic type]very[roman type] suspicious.  'I don't want to know how you know my mother's name.'"	"she is alarmed that you know her mother's name"	--
"Marcus/Marcum"	"Julia rolls her eyes.  'A violent psychopath.  He's enjoyed tormenting me since we were children.'"	"she doesn't like her brother Marcus much"	--
"Quintus/Quintum"	"Julia shrugs.  'Well, he's better than Marcus.'"	"she prefers her brother Quintus to her other brother Marcus"	--
"god/Jupiter/Jove/Virilis" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"Julia sighs.  'He's so [italic type]dreamy[roman type].'"	"she's not an unwilling sacrifice"	--
"Syra"	"Julia nods pensively.  'We had a maidservant named Syra once.  Her nose was big.  Like mine.  Uhuhu!  Uhuhu!'"	"she had a nasally endowed maidservant named Syra"
"uhuhu"	"Julia looks even more unhappy.  'Now you're making fun of the way I cry?  You beastly, beastly man!  Uhuhu!  Uhuhu!'"	"'Uhuhu' is just the way she sobs"	--

Test Julia with "X Julia / Ask Julia about hair / Ask Julia about nose / Ask Julia about crying / Ask Julia about priest / Ask Julia about duty / Ask Julia about Jupiter".

Book Three - "Curia"

Part One - "Geography"

The Curia Steps is north of the Forum.  "The Curia Steps lead up to the Curia to the north; the Forum is south."  Before going north from the Curia Steps: if Caesar is in the Curia Steps, instead say "Caesar and his friends are in your way."  Instead of going up in the Curia Steps, try going north. Instead of going inside in the Curia Steps, try going north. 

The Curia Interior is north of the Curia Steps.  The description is "The Curia is still under reconstruction; renovations won't be completed for quite some time[2 as a footnote].  For the time being, the Senate still meets over at Pompey's porch.  Frankly, this place is basically just a construction site.  Steps to the Forum lead down to the south."   Instead of going down in the Curia Interior, try going south. The Curia Steps is outside from the Curia Interior.

The site_scenery is scenery in the Curia Interior.  The printed name is "construction site".  The description is "Lengths of timber, marble floor slabs, column sections, nails, sawdust."  Understand "site", "construction", "renovation", "renovations", "timber", "wood", "board", "boards", "nail", "nails", "column", "section", "sections", "columns", "marble", "stone", "slabs", "slab", "sawdust", "dust", and "floor" as the site_scenery.  Instead of taking the site_scenery, say "If you were a Village Person, you would be the Leather Man, not the Construction Worker."

Some steps_scenery is a backdrop.  They are in the Curia Interior.   They are in the Curia Steps. They are in the Forum. They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "Curia steps".  The description is "Wide, but unremarkable, steps leading from the Forum up into the Curia[If Caesar is in the Curia Steps and the location is not the Curia Steps].  There are several men in togas gathered on the steps[end if]."  Understand "steps", "stairs", "step", and "stair" as steps_scenery.   

Some curia_scenery_blood is scenery.  The printed name is "'blood'".  Understand "blood", "'blood", "semen", "sperm", "spooge", "spunk", "jizz", "jizm", "cum", "load", and "loads" as the curia_scenery_blood.  The description is "Now there's 'blood' all over the steps where Caesar and his friends were."  The curia_scenery_blood can be edible.  The curia_scenery_blood is edible.  The curia_scenery_blood can be drinkable.  The curia_scenery_blood is drinkable.  Before taking the curia_scenery_blood, instead say "Restrain your Dillinger fantasies."  Before eating the curia_scenery_blood, instead say "Although you have very little shame, lapping semen from a puddle on the Curia steps is beneath even you."  Instead of drinking or tasting the scenery_blood, try eating the curia_scenery_blood.  Instead of doing anything other than taking, drinking, or tasting the curia_scenery_blood, say "Perhaps not."

The velvet bag is a container in the Curia Interior.  "An olive-colored velvet bag rests empty on the ground here."  The description is "This is an olive-colored velvet bag; it's large enough to hold, say, a large melon, or a human head.  Unfortunately, it has a fairly large hole partway down one side."  Instead of wearing the bag, say "But then you couldn't see.  The hole isn't that near the bottom."  Instead of fucking the bag, say "Although the velvet would probably feel nice, that's not a very alluring proposition."  Instead of inserting something into the bag, say "The hole in the bag makes this unlikely to work very well for very long."  Instead of touching or rubbing the bag, say "It's a lovely velvety texture."  Instead of searching the bag, say "The interior of the bag is dark and velvety.  There's nothing in it, because, you know, there's that big hole in it."  Instead of rolling the bag, say "You roll up the bag.  It unrolls.  Whee."

The hole is part of the velvet bag.  The description is "It's a hole maybe three inches across and an inch high.  It is large enough and near enough the bottom of the bag to make trying to carry things in the bag a bad idea."  Instead of fucking the hole, try fucking the bag.  Instead of inserting something into the hole, say "What would be the point?"

Part Two - "Caesar"

Julius Caesar is a man in the Curia Steps.  Understand "Gaius" as Julius Caesar.  "Julius Caesar is here: a surprisingly short, surprisingly bald, man, although rather handsome and certainly charismatic."  Instead of examining Caesar the first time:
	say "Caesar is being 'stabbed' by the 'daggers' of all his friends, right here on the Curia steps.";
	now Caesar is handled.
The description of Caesar is "Caesar will one day be described as, 'A husband to every wife, and a wife to every husband[41 as a reference][3 as a footnote].'  At the moment, he's working on the latter role."  The default reply of Caesar is "'Mmgmph!'  Caesar's mouth is full right now."  Caesar is unspeakable.

Instead of blowing Caesar, say "Today, 'a wife to every husband.'  Maybe you could check back tomorrow if that's what you want to do." Instead of sucking Caesar, try blowing Caesar.  Instead of wanking off Caesar, try blowing Caesar.  Instead of rubbing Caesar, try blowing Caesar. Instead of eating Caesar, try blowing Caesar.  

Instead of kissing Caesar, say "You can't: Caesar's mouth is full right now."

Instead of hailing Caesar, say "'[italic type]Ave Caesar![roman type]'  Caesar manages a sideways glance and a fractional nod, but he's a litle busy right now."

Instead of cutting Caesar, try fucking Caesar.
Instead of attacking Caesar, try fucking Caesar.

Instead of fucking Caesar:
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "You aren't undressed for the occasion."; 
	otherwise;
		say "You join in the fun, which is considerable: Caesar is both talented and well-practiced.  After a few minutes, Caesar 'dies,' covered in 'blood' from multiple 'stab wounds.'  As he and his friends rearrange their togas and leave, he blows you a kiss and flips you a coin.";
		record "Julius Caesar" as achieved;
		move the aureus to the player;
		remove Julius Caesar from play;
		remove Caesar's friends from play;
		remove men_scenery from play;
		move the curia_scenery_blood to the Curia Steps;
		really have the parser notice the aureus;
	end if.

The aureus is a thing.  The description is "An aureus: a small golden coin, with the Roman wolf on one face and a winged phallus on the other."  Understand "money", "gold", "small", "golden", "coin", "wolf", "phallus", and "aureum" as the aureus.

Instead of tasting the aureus, try smelling the aureus.  Instead of smelling the aureus for the first time, say "You immediately wish you hadn't, and let's leave it at that."  Instead of smelling the aureus, say "Once was more than enough."
			
The description of Caesar's toga is "A classic white linen toga, with a purple stripe around the edge.  It's unpleasantly stained at the moment."  Caesar's toga is worn by Julius Caesar.

Test Caesar with "X Caesar / X Caesar / X friends / Ask Caesar about Marcus / Ask Marcus about Caesar / X Caesar's toga / Blow Caesar / Remove toga / Fuck Caesar / Wear toga / X aureus / Smell aureus / G".


Part Three - "Sycophants"

Caesar's friends are men in the Curia Steps.  Caesar's friends are ambiguously plural. "A gaggle of sycophants surround Caesar."  After examining Caesar's friends: now Caesar's friends are handled.  The description is "Anthony, Brutus, Marcus, Quintus, Naughtius Maximus, Biggus Dickus, Magnus Prickus, and a few others you don't know.  Frankly, they're pretty much interchangeable.  They're 'stabbing' Caesar with their 'daggers.'"  The default reply of Caesar's friends is "They're not here to talk: they have come to bukkake Caesar, not to praise him[2 as a reference].".  Caesar's friends are unspeakable.

Understand "Anthony", "Tony", "Marcus", "Brutus", "Antony", "Quintus","Naughtius","Naughtius Maximus","Maximus","Biggus","Biggus Dickus", "Dickus", "Magnus", "Prickus", "Magnus Prickus", "sycophants", "gaggle", and "hangers-on" as Caesar's friends.

Some daggers are things carried by Caesar's friends.  The description is "Surely you don't need this spelled out for you."  Understand "dagger" as daggers.

Book Four - "The Seedy Part of Town"

Part One - "The Maze"

The Twisty Little Alley is an alley.  It is north of the Via Sacra. Instead of going west in the Twisty Little Alley, try going south.  The description of the Twisty Little Alley is "This is a maze of [if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds]little twisty[otherwise]twisty little[end if] alleys, all alike."

Part Two - "The Tavern"

The Seedy Tavern is a room.  It is north of the Twisty Little Alley.  The description is "This is an almost unimaginably seedy tavern.  Wine, of the undigested, partially digested, and completely digested varieties, stains all visible surfaces.  The exit is south."   The Twisty Little Alley is outside from the Seedy Tavern.  Instead of smelling the Seedy Tavern, try examining the piss.

 The piss is scenery in the Seedy Tavern.  The description is "Ugh."  Understand "barf", "vomit", "puke", "pee", "shit", "feces", and "poop" as piss.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the piss, try examining the piss.

The scenery_wine is scenery.  The description is "Ugh."  Understand "wine" as scenery_wine.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_wine, try examining the scenery_wine.  The printed name is "wine".

The bench is a supporter in the Seedy Tavern. The description is "The bench is about as stained as everything else in here."  Instead of taking the bench: say "It's too large to carry.  Why would you want to anyway?"  Instead of smelling the bench: say "What a revolting idea."  Instead of tasting the bench, try smelling the bench.  Instead of touching the bench, say "You'd really rather not."  It is enterable.  

Some stentorian snores are scenery in the Seedy Tavern.  The description is "Perfectly ordinary stentorian snores of passed-out drunkards."  Instead of listening to the stentorian snores, try examining the stentorian snores.  Instead of doing anything other than listening or examining with the stentorian snores, say "The snores, thankfully, are immaterial."

Rule for writing a paragraph about the bench:
	if the Priest of Jupiter Virilis is on the bench
	begin;
		say "The Priest of Jupiter Virilis sways gently from side to side as he sits on a bench at a wooden table.";
		now the Priest of Jupiter Virilis is mentioned;
	otherwise;
		say "A rough wooden bench rests on the dirty floor.";
		now the bench is mentioned;
	end if. 
	
Rule for writing a paragraph about the table:
	if the bottle of wine is on the table
	begin;
		say "A clay bottle of wine, adorned with a leering satyr, rests on a leaning table.";
		now the bottle of wine is mentioned;
	otherwise;
		say "A battered table, leaning slightly, shakily stands near the center of the tavern.";
		now the table is mentioned;
	end if.
		

The table is a supporter in the Seedy Tavern. The description is "The table is about as stained as everything else in here."  Instead of taking the table: say "It's much too large to carry, and you really have no need for a piss-and-barf-stained rough-hewn table."  Instead of tasting the table, try smelling the bench.  Instead of smelling the table, try smelling the bench.  Instead of touching the table, try touching the bench.  It is enterable. 

The bottle of wine is a thing on the table.  "A clay bottle, imprinted with the visage of a drunken satyr, squats on the table."  The description is "A clay bottle filled, presumably, with cheap wine."  Understand "bottle", "wine", and "clay" as bottle.  Check taking the bottle of wine: if the priest is visible, instead say "The priest glowers so fiercely that you meekly retreat."  The bottle of wine can be drinkable.  The bottle of wine is drinkable. Check drinking the bottle of wine: instead try taking the bottle of wine.  Check rolling the wine: instead say "That would just spill it."  Check smelling the bottle of wine: instead try taking the bottle of wine.

Part Three - "The Drunken Priest"

The Priest of Jupiter Virilis is a man on the bench.  "The Priest of Jupiter Virilis, somewhat the worse for drink, sways on the bench."  The description is "The priest's long white beard is stained with wine, and his eyes are vaguely defocussed.  He has clearly had better days."   The indefinite article of the priest is "the".  The conversation of the priest is the Table of Priest's Chatter.  The default reply of the priest is "'Shut up.  I'm trying to drink here.'"  Instead of kissing the priest, try sucking the priest.  Instead of fucking the priest, try sucking the priest.  Instead of blowing the priest, try sucking the priest.  Instead of eating the priest, try sucking the priest.  Instead of wanking off the priest, try sucking the priest.  Instead of rubbing the priest, try sucking the priest.  Instead of sucking the priest, say "Gerontophilia is no more the Stiffy Way than it will be in three thousand years."  Instead of smelling the priest, say "The priest reeks of cheap wine and despair."

Instead of giving or showing the aureus to the priest:
	say "'I don't need your pity,' slurs the priest."
	
Instead of giving or showing the bag to the priest:
	say "The priest looks at the bag.  'Enh,' he says.  'It's not exactly alluring, now is it?'".

Instead of giving or showing the mask to the priest:
	say "The priest looks at the mask, comprehension dawning on his sodden features.  'Yes!' he cries.  'This looks a lot like Syra!  I think this will do!'  He downs the rest of the wine, smashes the empty bottle on the floor, and dashes off, mask grasped in his hand.";
	remove the mask from play;
	remove Julia from play;
	remove the bottle of wine from play;
	move slutty_julia to the altar;
	really have the parser notice the bench;
	remove the priest from play.	

Instead of giving or showing something to the priest:
	say "The priest gazes blearily at [the noun] in some confusion.".

Table of Priest's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"bottle/wine"	"'Mine!'"	"he won't share his wine"	a number
"julia/impotence/sacrifice/sex"	"'It's the nose.  I just....can't.  Oh!  The shame!  If only she looked like, say, Syra.  Ah, Syra.'"	"Julia's nose is too much for him; a woman named Syra was more to his liking"	--
"jupiter/virilis/him/himself/priest" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"'The god withholds his strength from me.'"	"Jupiter won't help him perform the sacrifice"	--
"nose"	"'If, perhaps, something were to hide it, to cover it with something more alluring.'"	"he thinks he might be able to do his duty if Julia's nose were hidden"	--
"syra/slave/servant/maidservant"	"'Ah, yes.  Syra.  Another woman with a large and ugly nose.  Yet...alluring.  Olive complexion, hair like midnight, eyes like topaz, skin like velvet, breasts like melons, ass like Caesar's, lips like wine, a kiss like fire.'  He sighs."	"he found Syra attractive despite her nose"	--
"Caesar/Julius" or "Julius Caesar"	"'Oh, he's a [italic type]very[roman type] pious man, you know.'"	"Caesar is very pious"	--
"Eris/Discordia"	"'She's the Goddess of Discord.'"	"Eris is the Goddess of Discord"	--
"Kallisti/apple"	"'Great peril lurks within the Apple, for the unprotected.'"	"The Golden Apple is very perilous to the unprotected"	--

Test priest with "ask priest about wine/  Ask priest about julia/  Ask priest about jupiter/  Ask priest about nose/  Ask priest about syra/  Give bag to priest"

Part Four - "The Drunkards"

Some drunkards are men on the bench.  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "drunkards".  They are scenery.  The description of the drunkards is "Reeling drunkards, in all stages of advanced intoxication, slump over tables, sprawl on benches, and recline against walls." Understand "drunkard", "drunks", "advanced", "intoxicated", "drunk", "benches", "walls", "wall", "tables", "man", "woman", "men", "people", "vomiting", "puking", "reeling", "wino", "winos", and "women"as drunkards.  The default reply of the drunkards is "An owlish stare is your only reply."  Instead of pushing, pulling, attacking, or fucking the drunkards, say "The last time you tried something like that in a bar something like this, you ended up on the bottom of the pile.  That wasn't much fun."   The drunkards are unspeakable.

Part Five - "The Artist's Hut"

The Artist's Hut is a room.  It is east of the Twisty Little Alley. The Twisty Little Alley is outside from the Artist's Hut.   The description of the Artist's Hut is "This is a hovel of the sort classically frequented by artists.  The exit is west.  A sign on the wall reads: 'Portraits 1 aureus.  Bring your own canvas.'"

The artist_other_thing is a thing that varies.  The artist_other_thing is the aureus.
The artist_other_text is text that varies.  The artist_other_text is "first".

Before asking the artist about "work/painting", instead say "The artist gestures with his goatee at the sign."

The artist is a man in the Hut.  "An insufferable-looking artist sits behind an easel."  The description is "The artist is a young man with a small goatee.  If eyeglasses had been invented yet, he would have little rectangular ones with heavy black frames[4 as a footnote]."  The indefinite article of the artist is "the".  The default reply of the artist is "The artist is much too hip to talk to the likes of you."  Instead of fucking the artist, try sucking the artist.  Instead of blowing the artist, try sucking the artist.  Instead of kissing the artist, try sucking the artist.  Instead of eating the artist, try sucking the artist.  Instead of sucking the artist, say "The artist haughtily points out that he's consecrated to his art.  You take this to mean that he masturbates so much that he doesn't have anything left for you."  Instead of rubbing or wanking off the artist, say "You're quite sure he gets enough of that already."  After examining the artist: now the artist is handled.  The artist is unspeakable.  Understand "goatee", "young", "small", and "hipster" as the artist.

Instead of attacking the artist, say "Although violence is sometimes the answer, and although you really would like to punch the artist right in his goatee, nothing would be gained by this course of action."

The eyeglasses are scenery in the Hut.  Understand "glasses", "eyeglasses", "little", "rectangular", "heavy", "black", "frame", and "frames" as the eyeglasses.  Instead of doing anything with the eyeglasses, say "The hipster glasses are entirely notional."

Instead of giving the stiffycock to the artist, try fucking the artist.

Instead of giving something to the artist:
	if the noun is the toga
	begin;
		say "The artist rolls his eyes.  'I don't do murals[7 as a footnote], dude.'";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	if the noun is not the aureus and the noun is not the bag
	begin;
		say "The artist haughtily refuses [the noun].";
	otherwise;
		if the noun is the aureus
		begin;
			now the artist_other_thing is the bag;
			now the artist_other_text is "second";
			say "The artist bites down on the coin, then flinches.  'You coulda told me it was one of Big Julie's, eh?  Dude, that's totally been in his butt.  Nasty, man.  Nasty.' [paragraph break]";
		otherwise;
			now the artist_other_thing is the aureus;
			now the artist_other_text is "first";
		end if;
		if the artist_other_thing is not held by the Artist
		begin;
			say "The artist takes [the noun] from you and indicates the [artist_other_text] sentence of the sign with a small twitch of his goatee in its direction.";
			move the noun to the Artist;
		otherwise;
			say "'Hmmm,' says the artist.  'A bag.  Kinky.'  He rolls his eyes. 'Guess you're wanting it to put over someone's head, to make him...her?...more alluring, huh?  Yeah, I get a lot of these...So.  Guy?  Girl?  Eh, it doesn't matter.  I'll put one on each side.  That way, if it's a girl, you can do her from the front and then flip her over and do her up the butt and it'll be like doing a guy.  Only a guy with a broken neck.  But some people like that, you know? [paragraph break]'Anyway, so, yeah.  Interesting olive color, velvety texture.  Reminds me of this totally hot MILF I knew named Syra.  Wow.  She was like riding one of the mares of Diomedes...Hey, there's a hole over here already for the mouth.  Cool.  Tell you what, I'll cut a matching slit on the other side for [italic type]that[roman type] picture too, so you can kiss him...or her, hey, whatever floats your boat, man...or, you know, receive oral.' [paragraph break]In a few minutes, he paints a portrait of an attractive, if not very young, woman on one side of the bag, and an attractive young man on the other.  He hands you the bag and lapses again into sullen silence.[paragraph break]";
			move mask to player;
			move the noun to the Artist;
			remove bag from play;
			remove aureus from play;
			really have the parser notice the mask;
		end if;
	end if;
	
The sign is scenery in the Artist's hut.  The description is "'Portraits 1 aureus.  Bring your own canvas.'"

The artist's easel is scenery in the Artist's hut.  The description is "It's just an artist's easel." 

The mask is a container.  The description is "The velvet bag is painted with a portrait of Syra on one side, some hot young thing on the other."  Instead of wearing the mask, say "But then you couldn't see!"  Understand "velvet" and "bag" as the mask.  Instead of fucking the mask, say "I think you have misunderstood the purpose of the mask."   Instead of inserting something into the bag, say "The mouth holes in the mask make this unlikely to work very well for very long."  Instead of touching or rubbing the bag, say "It's a lovely velvety texture."  Instead of searching the bag, say "The interior of the mask is dark and velvety.  There's nothing in it, because, you know, there are two big holes in it."

Test artist with "x artist/  Ask artist about easel/  Give aureus to artist/  Give bag to artist"

Book Five - "The Temple of Eris"

Part One - "The Temple"

The Temple of Eris is south of the Forum.  The description is "The interior of the temple is dimly lit.  Stairs rise to the south, where a golden apple sits upon a dais.  The exit is to the north."  The Forum is outside from the Temple of Eris.

The scenery_apple is scenery in the Temple of Eris.  The printed name is "golden apple".  The description is "A large golden apple squats upon the dais to the south."  Understand "gold", "golden", "dais", and "apple" as the scenery_apple.  Instead of taking, fucking, smelling, tasting, rubbing, eating, or touching the scenery_apple, say "You would need to get closer to the apple to do that."   Instead of going up in the Temple of Eris, try going south.  

The Altar of Eris is south of the Temple of Eris. The description is "This is the high altar in the temple of Eris.  Upon it rests a golden apple, about five feet tall."  Instead of going down in the Altar of Eris, try going north.

Part Two - "The Golden Apple"

The apple is scenery in the Altar of Eris.  The description is "This is a golden apple about five feet high.  '[if Unicode compliance is 1][Greek-Kallisti]'[otherwise]KALLISTI' (in Greek characters)[end if] is engraved in large black letters on it.  About six inches below waist height is a dark, elliptical opening about two inches wide and five inches tall[11 as a reference][12 as a reference]."  The printed name is "golden apple".  The apple has a number called molested. The apple has a virginity.  The apple is unboinked.  The apple has a number called warned.  The apple has warned 0.  Understand "gold", "golden", "metallic", "warm", and "metal" as the apple.  Instead of sucking the apple, try tasting the apple.  Instead of tasting the apple, say "Metallic."  Instead of smelling the apple, try tasting the apple.  Instead of touching the apple, say "Its surface is hard and unyielding metal, but strangely warm."  Check taking the apple: instead say "It's much too big."  Instead of rolling the apple, say "The apple is fixed somehow to the dais."

The scenery_dais is scenery in the Altar of Eris.  The description is "The dais is marble, and utterly unremarkable."  Understand "marble" and "dais" as the scenery_dais.

Instead of fucking the apple:
	if the apple is unboinked
	begin;
		if the stiffycock is held by the player
		begin;
			if the stiffycock is lit
			begin;
				now the apple is boinked;
				say "With some trepidation, you slide your penis into the hole.  To your surprise and delight, there is something very much like a vagina in there.  You thrust into it; it thrusts back; it even knows when and how to clench to intensify your experience.  After a few moments, you have a most satisfying orgasm. [paragraph break]A resonant, husky voice murmurs inside your head: 'Ahhh, that was nice.  Stiffy Makane, you have greatly pleased Me.   Now I charge thee with a quest.  The Golden Banana of Discord has been stolen from this temple.   Find it, and return it to Me in my Olympic Abode.'[paragraph break]";
				record "the Golden Apple" as achieved;
			otherwise;
				if the apple is not_warned_about
				begin;
					now the apple is warned_about;
					say "It is pitch black in there.  Your cock is likely to be eaten by a grue[14 as a reference].";
				otherwise;
					say "Chomp!  A grue bites your dick completely off, as was foretold.";
					end the story saying "You have been emasculated by a grue";
				end if;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say "You're not undressed for the occasion.";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		say "A husky voice inside your head growls, 'Don[apostrophe]t push your luck, Stiffy.  Where's my Golden Banana of Discord?'";
	end if;

The opening is scenery in the Altar of Eris.  The description is "A dark opening.  It looks like it would be pretty snug."  Instead of smelling the opening, say "Mmmm.  Tuna."  Instead of fucking the opening, try fucking the apple.  Understand "cunt", "hole", "pussy", "vagina", "tuna", "snug", "tight" and "dark" as the opening.  Instead of touching the opening, say "It's pretty dark in there, and you know that grues lurk in dark places.  So, no."  Instead of tasting the opening, try touching the opening.  Instead of wanking off the opening, try touching the opening.  Instead of inserting the stiffycock into the opening, instead try fucking the apple.  Instead of inserting something into the opening, say "There is a snapping sound from within the opening, and you hurriedly pull [the noun] back."  Instead of searching the opening, say "You gingerly reach into the opening, and hurriedly yank your hand out as something with hot, fetid breath snaps at your fingers."

Kallisti is scenery in the Altar of Eris.  The printed name is "engraving".  The description is "[if Unicode compliance is 1]It says '[Greek-Kallisti],' but it's Greek to you[otherwise]It's Greek to you; fortunately, you [italic type]can[roman type] read Greek: [italic type]KALLISTI[roman type][end if]."  Understand "engraving", "writing", "Greek", and "black" as kallisti.

Test apple with "X apple/  x opening/  Remove toga/  Fuck apple "

Book Six - "Slutty Julia"

Slutty_Julia is a woman. "Julia lies arms and legs akimbo on the altar." Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Slutty_Julia:no.  The description is "Julia is a very pretty young woman, despite her nose.  She is stark naked and appears thoroughly ravished.  She also appears happy, relaxed, and satiated."  The printed name of slutty_julia is "Julia (well-ravished)".  The conversation of Slutty_Julia is the Table of Slutty_Julia's Chatter.  The default reply of Slutty_Julia is "Julia shrugs langorously."  Understand "ravished" and "julia" as Slutty_Julia.  Slutty_Julia has a number called nosejob_hints.  Nosejob_hints is 0.
	Slutty_Julia's hair is part of Slutty_Julia.  The printed name is "Julia's hair".  The description of Slutty_Julia's hair is "Julia's hair is black as night; it lies in wild tangles about her head, and is adorned with gobs of god-semen."  Understand "jet-black" and "black" as Slutty_Julia's hair.  Understand "Julia's hair" as Slutty_Julia's hair.
	Slutty_Julia's eyes are part of Slutty_Julia.  The description of Slutty_Julia's eyes is "Lovely deep-brown eyes."  Understand "brown" as Slutty_Julia's eyes.  Understand "Julia's eyes" as Slutty_Julia's eyes. The printed name is "Julia's eyes".
	Slutty_Julia's nose is part of Slutty_Julia.  The description of Slutty_Julia's nose is "Well, there's no way around it.  Julia's nose is [italic type]still[roman type] big and ugly."  Understand "big", "ugly",  "enormous", "beak", "horrible", "hideous", "vile", and "abominable" as the nose.  Understand "Julia's nose" as the nose.  The printed name is "Julia's nose".
	Slutty_julia's pussy is a vagina.  It is part of Slutty_Julia.  The description of Slutty_Julia's pussy is "Her pussy is hidden in a thatch of black hair, matted with sweat and semen".  The printed name is "Julia's pussy".  Understand "Julia's pussy" as Slutty_Julia's pussy.  Instead of sucking, kissing, tasting, rubbing, or wanking off Slutty_Julia's pussy, try sucking Slutty_Julia.  instead of fucking Slutty_Julia's pussy, try fucking Slutty_Julia.  Instead of smelling Slutty_Julia's pussy, try smelling Slutty_Julia.  Instead of inserting the stiffycock into Slutty_Julia's pussy, try fucking Slutty_Julia.  Instead of inserting something into Slutty_Julia's pussy, say "Julia slaps your hand lightly.  'I really don't need [a noun] in my twat right now, Stiffy.'"
	Slutty_Julia's asshole is an anus.  It is part of Slutty_Julia.  The description of Slutty_Julia's asshole is "Although it must be there, since she's lying on the altar, it's not really accessible."  Instead of fucking or buggering Slutty_Julia's asshole, try buggering Slutty_Julia.  Check taking Slutty_Julia's asshole: instead try buggering Slutty_Julia.  The printed name is "Julia's anus".  Instead of rubbing, sucking, kissing, tasting, smelling, wanking off, touching, pushing, or pulling Slutty_Julia's asshole, try examining Slutty_Julia's asshole.  Instead of inserting the stiffycock into Slutty_Julia's asshole, try fucking Slutty_Julia's asshole.  Instead of inserting something into Slutty_Julia's asshole, say "Julia bats [the noun] away.  'I think not!' she snaps."
	Slutty_Julia's lips are part of Slutty_Julia.  Slutty_Julia's lips are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "Julia's lips".  The description is "Julia's lips are not noteworthy enough to draw attention away from what hangs above them."  Understand "lip" and "mouth" as Slutty_Julia's lips.  Instead of fucking Slutty_Julia's lips, say "Julia shakes her head.  'I haven't had enough practice to attempt that.'"  Instead of kissing Slutty_Julia's lips, try kissing Slutty_Julia.  Instead of sucking Slutty_Julia's lips, try kissing Slutty_Julia.  Instead of inserting something into Slutty_Julia's lips, say "Julia bats your hand away.  'I don't want [a noun] in my mouth right now, Stiffy.'"
	Slutty_Julia's breasts are part of Slutty_Julia.  Slutty_Julia's breasts are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Julia's breasts look firm and delectable."  Understand "chest", "bosom", "firm", "delectable", "breast", "tit", "breasts", "hooter", "hooters", "boob", and "boobs" as Slutty_Julia's breasts.  Instead of touching Slutty_Julia's breasts, say "Julia moans and writhes a little."  Instead of rubbing, sucking, kissing, pushing, or pulling Slutty_Julia's breasts, try touching Slutty_Julia's breasts.  Instead of fucking Slutty_Julia's breasts, say "Julia pushes you away.  'Fun for you,' she says.  'What's in it for me?'"
	Divine_semen is part of Slutty_julia.  The printed name is "semen".  Understand "sweat", "sperm", and "semen" as divine_semen.  The description is "Sweat and semen streak Julia's hair and body."  Instead of sucking or tasting divine_semen, say "Salty."  Instead of smelling divine_semen, say "Bleachy."  The indefinite article is "the".  Does the player mean doing something with divine_semen: it is likely.

Instead of giving something that is not the stiffycock to Slutty_Julia, say "Julia langorously waves [the noun] away.";

Instead of blowing Slutty_Julia, try blowing Slutty_Julia's nose.  Instead of kissing Slutty_Julia's nose, say "You venture a tremulous peck on the side of her enormous beak.  She rolls her eyes, and sighs in exasperation.  'That,' she points out, 'is [italic type]not[roman type] a nose job.'"  Instead of fucking Slutty_Julia's nose:
	if the stiffycock is not held, instead try fucking Slutty_Julia;
	say "Julia recoils as you menace her left nostril with your penis.  'Yikes!' she says.  'I guess, technically, that would be a nose job.  But, uh, I had more, um, oral in mind, Stiffy.'".
	
Instead of sucking Slutty_Julia's nose:
		if Slutty_Julia is unboinked
		begin;
			say "At the last moment, terrified of the quantity of mucus that might produce, you decide to convert your suck into a blow instead.";
			instead try blowing Slutty_Julia's nose;
		otherwise;
			say "You survived one encounter with her nose already.  Surely that's enough for any man.";
		end if.

Instead of kissing Slutty_Julia:
	if the stiffycock is not lit
	begin;
		if Slutty_Julia is unboinked
		begin;
			say "Julia kisses you back passionately.  'The god doesn't mind if I see other people now,' she whispers seductively in your ear.";
		otherwise;
			say "Julia kisses you, although somewhat less enthusiastically.  'Hey, could I get a nose job?' she inquires.";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		say "Julia kisses you deeply and giggles.  'Isn't it nice to be favored by Jupiter Virilis?'";
	end if.
	
Instead of blowing Slutty_Julia's nose:
	if the stiffycock is not lit
	begin;
		say "Worse things happen at sea, or so you've been told.  You put your lips around Julia's nose (it's quite a chore) and give it a damn good blow.  She shrieks in ecstasy, and suddenly you are surrounded by shimmering light. [paragraph break]A voice thunders, 'Thou hast pleased me with thy progress, and thus I grant thee the gift of my protection!  Use it wisely in my name[13 as a reference]!'  [paragraph break]Julia looks vastly impressed that the god has spoken to you. [if the stiffycock is held by the player]She looks even more vastly impressed with your now faintly glowing cock. [end if][paragraph break]";
		now the stiffycock is lit;
	otherwise;
		say "Once was enough for you, Julia, and Jupiter Virilis."; [* check out the Serial Comma on THAT bad boy!]
	end if.
	
Instead of buggering Slutty_Julia, say "Julia frowns.  'Not the ass, Stiffy.  Not today, anyway.  Sorry.'"

Instead of fucking Slutty_Julia:
	if the stiffycock is held by the player
	begin;
		if Slutty_Julia is unboinked
		begin;
			say "Julia moans as you embrace her.  She's more than willing, and extremely enthusiastic.  Unfortunately, she's not very, well, [italic type]good[roman type].  But then again, she hasn't had much practice, so you take pity on her, and somewhere between her sixth and seventh screaming orgasms, you manage[emdash]with some effort[emdash]one of your own.[paragraph break]";
			record "Julia" as achieved;
			now Slutty_Julia is boinked;
			if the stiffycock is not lit
			begin;
				say "Afterwards, Julia clears her throat and taps her nose pointedly.";
			end if;
		otherwise;
		say "Julia says, 'I'm a little sore, Stiffy.  I think you bruised my cervix.  Maybe you could ask again tomorrow?'";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	end if.
	
Instead of sucking Slutty_Julia:
	if the stiffycock is not lit
	begin;
		say "Julia moans and writhes a bit, but then sits up and says, 'Actually, Stiffy, that's not what I had in mind.'  She taps her nose pointedly.";
	otherwise;
		say "Julia smiles and says, 'Thanks, but, really, I'm satiated.  I appreciate the offer, though.'";
	end if.
	
Instead of tasting Slutty_Julia, try sucking Slutty_Julia.  Instead of wanking off Slutty_Julia, try sucking Slutty_Julia.  Instead of rubbing Slutty_Julia, try sucking Slutty_Julia.  Instead of smelling Slutty_Julia, say "Sex and sweat."

Table of Slutty_Julia's Chatter
topic			reply								summary							turn stamp
"nose"			"'Yeah, I know it's big and ugly.  Still...can I get a nose job, Stiffy?'"		"she wants a nose job"					a number
"nose job" or "nosejob"	"'Mmmmmm.  Sounds nice.'"						"she'd really like a nose job"		--
"hair/black/jet-black"	"'I guess I got my wish.  I'll never wash it again!'"				"she's really proud of the god's contribution to her hairstyle"	--
"semen/sex/seed"		"'You'll have to be more specific.  There was a lot.'"			"she's been bukakked quite thoroughly"			--
"priest"			"'He sure came through.  And on.  Thanks, Stiffy.'"			"she's grateful that you were able to help the priest out"		--
"god/Jupiter/Virilis"	"'Wow, he's [italic type]dreamy[roman type].'"				"her devotion to the god has only increased"			--
"Syra"			"'De gustibus non disputandum.  Whatever gets him through the night.'"	"she doesn't understand why the priest had a thing for Syra"	--

Test sluttyjulia with "X Julia / Ask Julia about Jupiter / Ask Julia about priest / Kiss Julia / Remove toga / Fuck Julia / X nose / Ask Julia about nose / Blow nose / X penis / G / G / xyzzy / x cock / xyzzy / x dong / plover / x dong / Wear toga".

 
Volume Four - "Domus Macana"

Book One - "Preliminaries"

Apud Domum Macanam is a recurring scene.  Apud Domum Macanam begins when the location is in Town or the location is in Domus Macana.  Apud Domum Macanam ends when the location is in Shipboard.

Every turn during Apud Domum Macanam:
	if no garment is worn by the player
	begin;
		if the location of Festus is the location and Stiffy Makane is not filthy and Festus is unboinked and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
		begin;
			say "Festus eyes your [if the stiffycock is lit][stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing [end if]cock, grins, and licks his lips.";
		end if;
		if the location of Festus is the location and Stiffy Makane is filthy and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			say "Festus tries, unsuccessfully, to avoid wrinkling his nose in disgust.";
		end if;
		if the location of Cocky is the location and Cocky is not_warned_about
		begin;
			say "Your father glances at your nakedness, rolls his eyes, and begins to deliver his standard speech about not creating a public nuisance.  Then he catches sight of the faint [stiffycolor of the stiffycock] glow coming from your penis.[paragraph break]";
			now Cocky is warned_about;
			say "He blinks.  'Perhaps you have a story I should hear?'  So you tell him about your blessing from Jupiter, and your subsequent quest on behalf of Eris.  He looks proud, but saddened too.  'Well, son, I always feared you'd have a destiny.  Getting involved with divinity, that's always trouble.'[paragraph break]";
			say "Shaking his head, he continues, 'I guess you'd better find out how to get that Golden Banana of Discord.  Maybe the Cumean Sybil could tell you that, or perhaps you could try to look it up in the Great Library at Alexandria[24 as a footnote].  Anyway, let me know how I can help.'";
		end if;
		if the location of Cocky is the location and Stiffy Makane is filthy and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
		begin;
			say "'I hear the baths are a great place for, oh, [italic type]getting clean[roman type],' announces your father pointedly.";
		end if;
		if the location is Ostia or the location is Dockside
		begin;
			if the player is filthy
			begin;
				say "Passers-by recoil in disgust.";
			otherwise;
				say "Passers-by stare at your [if the stiffycock is lit]glowing penis in wonder[otherwise]exposed penis with dismay[end if].";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.	
	
Every turn during Apud Domum Macanam:
	if the location is the House_Of_Glub for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Glub" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	If the player is in the Tablinum for the third time and Cocky is unboinked and Cocky is not warned_about
	begin;
		now Cocky is boinked;
		say "Your father looks up from his paperwork.  'Son,' he says, 'you're pacing like a tomcat that's just sniffed a queen in heat.  You got something you want to show me?'";
	end if.
	
Every turn during Apud Domum Macanam:
	If the player is in the Tablinum and the player is not filthy and Stiffy at Sea has happened and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
	begin;
		say "Your father glances up from his paperwork.  'Nice to see you, son, but[run paragraph on]";
		if the Golden Banana of Discord is held by the player
		begin;
			if the Golden Banana of Discord is warned_about
			begin;
				say " shouldn't you be taking that banana to Eris in Olympus?'";
			otherwise;
				say " shouldn't you be getting that banana peeled?'";
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say " shouldn't you be off getting that Golden Banana?'";
		end if;
	end if.

Every turn during Apud Domum Macanam:
	if the location is the Peristyle and the location of Festus is the privy and Cocky is warned_about
	begin;
		say "The privy door flies open and Festus staggers out.  'Hi, Stiffy,' he grins, a little unsteadily.  'You probably don't want to go in there for a few minutes.'";
		now the festus_dump_turn is the turn count + 5;
		move Festus to the Peristyle;
		now the flimsy door is open;
		now the flimsy door is unlocked;
	end if.
		
Every turn during Apud Domum Macanam:
	if the the location of Festus is not the Privy
	begin;
		if  the location is the Tablinum or the location is the Peristyle or the location is the Atrium or the location is the Stiffy Love Nest
		begin;
			if Festus is not in the location and the location of Festus is an adjacent room
			begin;
				let R be the best route from the location to the location of Festus, using doors;
				say "Festus wanders in from [the R], grinning slyly.";
				move Festus to the location;
				if the location is the Tablinum, say "[line break]Festus offers a cheery wave to Cocky Makane, who replies with a curt nod.";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
			
Every turn during Apud Domum Macanam:
	if the the location is a sewer_room and the location is not Beneath the Privy and the location is not Sewer_Mouth
	begin;
		if a random chance of 1 in 12 succeeds, say "A gush of sewage pours from a hidden pipe somewhere overhead, splattering you with filth.";
	end if.
	
Every turn during Apud Domum Macanam:
	if the sewer_rat is in the location
	begin;
		follow the adjust light rule;
		if the sewer_rat is visible
		begin;
			if the location is Beneath the Privy
			begin;
				say "The sewer rat peers into the dark water, snatches something gold and shiny, and scurries off to the east.";
				move the sewer_rat to Sewer1;
			end if;
			if the location is Sewer1
			begin;
				say "The rat, clutching what looks like your father's signet ring in its jaws, scuttles off to the north.";
				move the sewer_rat to Sewer2;
			end if;
			if the location is Sewer2
			begin;
				say "A giant toad, the size of a three-year-old-child, looms out of the darkness and swallows the rat whole.  It leers at you and hops off to the west.";
				move the giant toad to Sewer3;
				remove the sewer_rat from play;
				really have the parser notice the giant toad;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Apud Domum Macanam:
	if the giant toad is in the location
	begin;
		follow the adjust light rule;
		if the giant toad is visible
		begin;
			if the location is Sewer3
			begin;
				say "Scattering lesser amphibians like chaff, the giant toad hops majestically to the west.";
				move the giant toad to Sewer6;
			end if;
			if the location is Sewer6
			begin;
				say "The giant toad fixes you with a beady eye.  It slowly winks.  'My master,' it croaks in a hideous, glutinous voice, 'requests the pleasure of your company, as he desires to effect a business deal with you, involving the return of your familial signet ring.'  It squats on the bank above the channel, grunts, and, amid a stench horrible even in the context of a feces-filled sewer, shits out an iron key.  'He hopes to see you soon,' finishes the toad, and springs into the air.  Turning a somersault, and pointing its limbs like a diver, it disappears down the drain.";
				remove the giant toad from play;
				now the signet ring is worn by Glub;
				move the iron key to the location;
				really have the parser notice the iron key;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.

Hometown is a region.  Domus Macana, Sewers, and Town are regions in Hometown.

Test to-Ostia with "Test Intro / Test Rome"

Test Lovenest with "X Nightstand / Read quotations/ Read quotations / Take lamp / Remove toga/ Pour oil on cock / Get up / Wear toga".
Test Ostia  with "Test Lovenest / E / N / N/ S /Test Cocky / N / Test Festus / N / Test sewers / E / E / N / N / N / Remove toga / Fuck mouth / Wear toga / N / Put token in toilet / G /  Get ring / Wear ring / S / S / S / S / W / W".
Test Cocky with "Ask cocky about himself / ask cocky about ring / ask cocky about jupiter / remove toga / kiss cocky / wear toga / ask cocky about ring / ask cocky about jupiter".
Test Festus with "Ask Festus about me / ask festus about ring / ask festus about anus / ask festus about sewers ".
Test Sewers with "D / E / Remove toga / N / W/ W/ Get key / E / E / E / S / S / W / W/ W / Unlock grate with key / N / Ask Glub about ring / S / W / Wear toga / U"

Test min-ostia with "e/n/remove toga/ask cocky about ring/n/s/ask festus about ring/n/z/n/d/e/n/w/w/get key/e/e/e/s/s/w/w/w/unlock grate with key/n/ask glub about ring/s/w/wear toga/u/e/e/n/n/n/n/put token in toilet/g/get ring/wear ring/s/s/s/s/w/w".

Book Two - "Geography"

The roman_sky_scenery is in the Atrium, the Peristyle, Ostia, and Dockside.

Part One - "Domus Macana"

Domus Macana is a region.  The Stiffy Love Nest, the Tablinum, the Peristyle, the Privy, and the Atrium are in Domus Macana.

Chapter One - "Love Nest"

Section One - "Love Nest"

The Stiffy Love Nest is a room.  The description is "This is your bedroom; it has been ever since you were a kid.  You've recently redecorated, though.  Green shag carpet gives the floor a certain sophistication.  A nightstand carved with erotic Persian scenes stands next to the bed, which is covered in fine red velvet.  Quotations from Catullus adorn the walls.  A plain wooden door opens on the Atrium to the east."

Section Two - "Furnishings"

The green shag carpet is scenery in the Stiffy Love Nest.  The description is "Sexy and sophisticated, if maybe a little stained."  Understand "floor", "musk", "sweat", "semen", "wine", "vomit", "shit", "stained", and "rug" as the carpet.  Instead of smelling the carpet, say "Musk.  Sweat.  Semen.  Wine.  Also, er, some vomit.  And shit.  In fact, it's probably a good idea to stop smelling it right about now."  Instead of eating or tasting the carpet, say "Yes, yes, that's a good little rugmuncher."  Instead of rubbing the carpet, say "Ahhhh, the luxurious richness of shag."  Instead of sucking the carpet, try tasting the carpet.  Check taking the carpet: instead try rolling the carpet.  Instead of rolling the carpet, say "It's actually glued to the floor."  Instead of looking under the carpet, say "It's glued to the floor, but you made sure there were no trap doors under it before you fastened it down."

The nightstand is scenery in the Stiffy Love Nest.  It is a supporter.  The description is "This Persian nightstand is made of an exotic dark wood.  It is carved with all manner of erotic scenes: men on women, women on women, men on men, men on gazelles, gazelles on hermaphrodites, gazelles and hermaphrodites on men-in-women's-clothing, and so on.  Really, this is one of the finest things you own."  Understand "smooth", "sensuous", "exotic", "erotic", "dark", "wood", "scenes", "men", "women", "hermaphrodites", "gazelles", "carved", "carven", "carving", "carvings", and "Persian" as the nightstand.  Instead of fucking the nightstand, say "You're demented.  Is it the years of depravity finally catching up to you, or is it the lead water pipes?"  Instead of rubbing the nightstand, say "The dark wood is smooth and sensuous."  Instead of tasting the nightstand, say "It tastes like olive oil."  Instead of smelling the nightstand, say "The nightstand reeks of olive oil."

The small oil lamp is a thing on the nightstand.  The description is "This is a small oil lamp, which Festus keeps full of fresh sweet oil for you.  Not that you ever use it for lighting, but the oil comes in plenty handy."  Understand "olive" and "sweet" as the oil lamp.  Check taking the oil lamp: instead say "No.  There's a very good reason the oil lamp is beside your bed.  Hint: not for light."  Instead of smelling or tasting the oil lamp, say "The lamp is full of sweet olive oil."  The small oil lamp can be drinkable.  The small oil lamp is drinkable.  Instead of drinking the oil lamp, try taking the oil lamp. Instead of burning the oil lamp, say "You prefer to use the oil it contains for other activities."  Instead of pouring the oil on the stiffycock, try wanking.  Instead of pouring the oil on something, say "Don't waste it!"  Instead of putting the oil on the stiffycock, try wanking.  Instead of putting the oil on something, say "Don't waste it!"  Instead of searching the oil lamp, try tasting the oil lamp.

The bed is a supporter in the Stiffy Love Nest.  It is enterable.  It is scenery.  The description is "Your bed is covered in red velvet, and is the scene of innumerable conquests."  Understand "red" and "velvet" as the bed.  Instead of smelling the bed, say "Perfume.  Musk.  Semen.  Olive oil.  Mostly olive oil."  Instead of tasting the bed, say "You would swiftly get pubic hair caught in your teeth, and no one wants that."  Instead of rubbing the bed, say "Mmmm.  Velvet."  Check taking the bed: instead try pushing the bed.  Instead of pushing the bed, say "The bed is fine where it is."  Instead of looking under the bed, say "The mere thought of all the cumrags you've tossed under the bed dissuades you."

The quotations are scenery in the Stiffy Love Nest.  Instead of examining the quotations:
	choose a random row in the Table of Catullus Quotations;
	say "Your eye lights on a quotation at random: '[quotation entry]'  Sexy stuff!".
Understand "Catullus", "Catullan", "quote", "quotes", "wall" and "walls" as quotations.

Table of Catullus Quotations
quotation
"Tam gratum est mihi quam ferunt puellae / pernici aureolum fuisse malum, / quod zonam soluit diu ligatam[45 as a reference]."
"Bononiensis Rufa Rufulum fellat, / uxor Meneni, saepe quam in sepulcretis / uidistis ipso rapere de rogo cenam, / cum deuolutum ex igne prosequens panem / ab semiraso tunderetur ustore[46 as a reference]."
"Mentula conatur Pipleium scandere montem: / Musae furcillis praecipitem eiciunt[47 as a reference]."
"Mentula moechatur. Moechatur mentula? Certe. / Hoc est quod dicunt: ipsa olera olla legit[48 as a reference]."
"Da mi basia mille, deinde centum, / dein mille altera, dein secunda centum, / deinde usque altera mille, deinde centum [49 as a reference]."


Instead of wanking in the Stiffy Love Nest:
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "Out of sight, out of mind."; 
	otherwise;
		let X be the turn count minus the last_wanking_turn;
		if X is less than 50 and the last_wanking_turn is greater than 0
		begin;
			say "You give your schlong a few half-hearted tugs, but you're not really in the mood.";
		otherwise;
			say "With the economy of long practice, you pour a little olive oil from the lamp into your hand, [if the player is not on the bed]perch on the bed, [end if]and quickly rub one out.  Ahhhh.";
			now the last_wanking_turn is the turn count;
			if the small oil lamp is not warned_about
			begin;
				now the small oil lamp is warned_about;
				set note style;
				say "[line break][bracket]Your score has not gone up.  Masturbation doesn't count.[close bracket] [line break][paragraph break]";
				set normal style;
			end if;
			if the player is not on the bed, now the player is on the bed;
		end if;
	end if.
	

The plain wooden door is east of the Stiffy Love Nest and west of the Atrium.  The plain wooden door is a door.  It is closed.  It is scenery.  Before going through the closed plain wooden door:
		say "(first opening the door)[line break]";
		silently try opening the plain wooden door;
		if the plain wooden door is closed, stop the action.

Instead of going outside when the location is the Stiffy Love Nest, try going east.
		
Does the player mean doing something with the plain wooden door: it is likely.

Chapter Two - "Atrium"

The Atrium is a room.   "The atrium is the heart of the house.  It is a courtyard open to the sky, with covered arcades around each side.  The impluvium fills the center of the room.  The peristyle is off to the north, through the tablinum.  The bustling central street of Ostia is to the south.  Your bedroom door is to the west.  The door to your parents[apostrophe] bedroom is east."  

Some covered arcades are scenery in the Atrium.  The description is "The arcades provide shade and shelter from the elements around the outside edge of the atrium."

The heavy wooden door is east of the Atrium.  The heavy wooden door is a door.  It is closed.  It is locked.  It is scenery.  The description is "This heavy wooden door, painted dark blue, closes off your parents[apostrophe] bedroom from the rest of the house."  Understand "east", "parents'", "blue" and "dark" as the heavy wooden door.

Instead of swimming in the atrium, try swimming around in the impluvium.  

Rule for supplying a missing noun when drinking and the location is the atrium: now the second noun is the impluvium. 

The impluvium is scenery in the atrium. The impluvium can be enterable.  The impluvium is enterable.   The description is "The impluvium functions as a cistern, catching rainwater and holding it for the house."  Understand "cistern" and "water" as the impluvium.  The impluvium can be drinkable.  The impluvium is drinkable.  Instead of drinking the impluvium, say "The water tastes like home.  This is the water you have grown up drinking, and no other water tastes quite like this."  Instead of tasting the impluvium, try drinking the impluvium.   Instead of sucking the impluvium, try drinking the impluvium.  Instead of touching the impluvium, try swimming around in the impluvium.  Instead of smelling the impluvium, say "The water smells ever so slightly of algae.  Maybe that should be unpleasant, but it's the comforting smell of home."  Instead of entering the impluvium, try swimming around in the impluvium.  Instead of searching the impluvium, say "The impluvium is partially full of water."  Does the player mean drinking the impluvium: it is very likely.  Instead of taking the impluvium, try drinking the impluvium.

Instead of swimming around in the impluvium, say "It would be rude and classless to splash around in the impluvium.  That's what the baths are for."

Chapter Three - "Tablinum"

Section One - "Tablinum" 

The Tablinum is a room.  It is north of the Atrium.  "The Tablinum is your father's office.  It is situated between the atrium to the south and the peristyle to the north.  The walls are covered in expensive and tasteful murals, and the floor is an intricate mosaic.  A chair and table constitute the forum from which your father conducts his business, and the chest containing the family finances squats in the corner.  Beside it is a tall varnished scroll cabinet."
The scenery_tablinum_murals are scenery in the Tablinum.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "murals", "mural", "wall", "walls", "painting", "paintings", "satyr", "nymph", "girl", "pretty", "Urgulania", "forest", "chase", "tasteful", "expensive", and "rape" as the scenery_tablinum_murals.  The description is "A satyr chases a pretty girl through a forest in this artistic recreation of the founding myth of the Makane clan."  The printed name is "murals".
The scenery_tablinum_mosaic is scenery in the Tablinum.  Understand "floor", "mosaic", "octopus", "ship", "huge", "merchant", "sailor", "sailors", "sea", and "kraken" as the scenery_tablinum_mosaic.  The description is "A huge octopus drags a merchant ship, filled with sailors, to a watery grave."  The printed name is "mosaic".
The wooden chair is a supporter in the Tablinum. It is scenery. The description is "This is just an ordinary wooden chair."  Understand  "wood" as the wooden chair.  Instead of entering the wooden chair, say "Your father is already sitting in the chair, and it's not big enough for two."  Check taking the wooden chair: instead say "It's already in use."  It is enterable.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or entering the wooden chair, say "The chair is under your father, and trying to do much of anything to it while it's in that state would be unwise."  Instead of putting anything on the chair, try taking the chair.
The chest is a container in the Tablinum.  It is scenery.  It is openable.  It is closed.  It is lockable.  It is locked.  The description is "It's a small iron coffer, inside which, doubtless, rest the liquid assets of the Makane clan."  Understand "iron" and "coffer" as the chest.  Instead of doing anything other than examining the chest, say "Your father's right here.  If you need money, you'd better ask him for it."
The scroll cabinet is a container in the Tablinum.  It is scenery.  The description is "This is a tall scroll cabinet, in varnished wood, with many cubbyholes for your father's scrolls.  Most of them are full."  Understand "scrolls", "cubbyhole", "cubbyholes", "tall", "wood", "wooden", "varnished" or "varnish" as the scroll cabinet.  Instead of doing anything other than examining the cabinet, say "Your father shoots you a glance that means, approximately, that he has his cabinet organized just the way he likes it, thank you, and that your help is neither required nor appreciated."
The signet ring is an ornament.  The description is "Your father's signet ring, embossed with the emblem of the Makane family: a satyr rampant."  Understand "satyr" and "rampant" as the signet ring.  Instead of rolling the signet ring, say "The seal on it makes it unlikely to roll very well."

Section Two - "Dear Old Dad"

Cocky is a man on the wooden chair.  The printed name of Cocky is "Cocky Makane".  The indefinite article of Cocky is "your".  Understand "father", "dad", "grizzled", "Macanus", "Gallio", "Gallus", "veteran", "pop", "pa", "cock", "cocky", "makane", "man", and "old" as Cocky.  The description is "Your father,  Cocky Makane[17 as a footnote], is a grizzled old veteran with a good nose for a profit.  He's sitting in a chair at a small table, the morning rush of clients having spent itself.  He appears to be checking a ledger for accuracy."  The default reply of Cocky is "'Son, I'm not going to answer stupid questions.'"  The conversation of Cocky is the Table of Cocky's Chatter.  Cocky has a virginity.   Cocky is unboinked.  [Thankfully, not for what you're thinking.]

Before asking Cocky about something:
	if Stiffy at Sea has happened
	begin;
		say "Cocky shakes his head.  'Son,' he says, 'it's nice to see you, but[run paragraph on]";
		if the Golden Banana of Discord is held by the player
		begin;
			if the Golden Banana of Discord is warned_about
			begin;
				say " shouldn't you be taking that banana to Eris in Olympus?'";
			otherwise;
				say " shouldn't you be getting that banana peeled?'";
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say " aren't you supposed to be out finding the Golden Banana?'";
		end if;
		stop the action;
	end if.

Before asking Cocky about "signet ring", replace the topic understood with "ring".
Before asking Cocky about "ring/signet":
	if Cocky is not_warned_about
	begin;
		replace the topic understood with "#fake0";
	otherwise;
		if the signet ring is not visible, replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	end if.

Before asking Cocky about "golden ass", replace the topic understood with "ship".
Before asking Cocky about "ship/golden/ass/yacht/boat/vessel":
	if Cocky is not_warned_about
	begin;
		replace the topic understood with "#fake2";
	end if.
	
Before asking Cocky about "Eris/Discordia":
	if Cocky is not_warned_about, replace the topic understood with "#fake3".
	
Before asking Cocky about "Jupiter Virilis", replace the topic understood with "Jupiter".
Before asking Cocky about "jupiter/virilis/jove/zeus":
	if Cocky is not_warned_about, replace the topic understood with "#fake4".
	
Instead of giving or showing the ring to Cocky, say "'I'm glad you found it,' he says.  'By all means, keep it.  You've earned it.'"

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Cocky:
	If Stiffy Makane is filthy, instead say "Your father recoils.  'You're covered in sewage!' he exclaims.  'Get yourself to the baths!'";
	say "Your father gently, but firmly, pushes you away.  'Son,' he says, not unkindly, 'that's among the many reasons our branch of the Makanes moved [italic type]away[roman type] from Luca.'"

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Cocky: no.

Cocky's nose is part of Cocky.  Understand "beak" as Cocky's nose.  The description is "In addition to being keenly able to smell a profit, Cocky's nose is a classic Roman beak."

Cocky's ledger is held by Cocky.  Understand "paper", "debit", "credit", "business", "account", "accounting", "scroll", and "papyrus" as the ledger.  The description is "The ledger is a papyrus scroll mostly filled with debit-and-credit information relating to your father's business."

Cocky's pen is held by Cocky.  Understand  "reed" as Cocky's pen.  The description is "Cocky is making notations with a reed pen." 

Cocky's table is a supporter in the Tablinum.  It is scenery.  The description is "It's just a plain wooden table, stacked up with papers, notes, and tablets.  There's an inkwell, a stylus, some sealing-wax: basically, all the appurtenances of transacting business."  Understand "wood", "wooden", "plain", "papers", "notes", "tablet", "tablets", "note", "inkwell", "stylus", "wax", "sealing", and "sealing wax" as Cocky's table.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with Cocky's table, say "Your father's warning glance freezes you in your tracks."  Instead of putting anything on Cocky's table, try taking Cocky's table.  Instead of removing anything from Cocky's table, try taking Cocky's table.

Table of Cocky's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"himself/dad/pa/father/pop/Gallio/Macanus/Makane/Gallus/Cock/Cocky" or "Gallio Macanus Gallus"	"'Not bad for an old goat-fucker, eh?'"	"he is proud of having transcended his humble origins in the Appenines"	--
"goat/goat-fucker/satyr/nymph/Urgulania/Appenines/Luca/mural/myth"	"'Well, the family legend is that we're descended from a girl, Urgulania, who was raped by a satyr in the Appenines, near her home in Luca, you know.'"	"that the Makane clan, legendarily, descends from Urgulania of Luca, raped by a satyr"	--
"octopus/mosaic/sailor/sailors/kraken"	"'The kraken hasn't eaten any of my ships yet, but you never know.'"	"the octopus mural is speculative rather than documentary"	--
"business/ledger/scroll/papyrus/paper"	"'Business is pretty good.  Could be better, but we won't have to be whoring ourselves on the streets anytime soon.'"	"he says his business is doing acceptably"	--
"mom/Helena/mother"	"'Haven't seen her.  Think she went out shopping with her new maidservant, Clodia.'"	"he thinks your mother, Helena, went shopping with Clodia"	--
"Clodia/maidservant"	"'She's new.  Kinda pretty.  I think your mom's breaking her in.'"	"he thinks Clodia is attractive but hardly ardor-inspiring"	--
"me/Stiffy/Lucius/Mentula"	"'You're all right, kid.'"	"he thinks you're OK"	--
"money/cash/gold/coin/coins/silver/denarius/denarii/areum"	"'You're clever.  Earn your own.'"	"he told you you'd have to earn your own money"	--
"Bruno"		"'Bruno is fanatically loyal to me and, of course, my designated agents, who are, as you know, defined by the fact that they wear my signet ring.'"	"he said that Bruno would remain loyal to him or people wearing his signet ring"	--
"#fake0"	"'Which god or goddess, exactly, has touched you so that I should give you my ring?'"	"he doesn't think you need his signet ring"	--
"#fake1"	"'Well, yes.  You probably should have my ring to pursue your divine quest.  However, ah, I believe I left it with Festus.  You should get it from him.'"	"he left his ring with Festus, from whom you should retrieve it"	--
"ring/signet"	"'Take it with my blessings.'"	"you have his blessing to wear the signet ring"	--
"#fake2"	"'What deity came down and blessed you, such that you should get to commandeer my yacht?'"	"he's skeptical about lending you [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type]"	--
"ship/golden/ass/yacht/boat/vessel" or "Golden Ass"	"'It's yours if you need it, son.  Just wear the signet ring, and Bruno will let you take it wherever you want.'"	"once you are wearing his signet ring, Bruno will let you have the ship"	--
"#fake3"	"'Don't go getting mixed up with goddesses, son.  It'll only end in tears.'"	"he doesn't think you should be getting involved with goddesses"
"eris/discordia"	"'It's all going to end badly; try to keep her happy.'"	"he wishes you hadn't gotten involved with Eris"
"#fake4"	"'I sacrifice to him quite often.  He's on our side, most of the time'"	"as gods go, Jupiter Virilis is high in his esteem"	--
"jupiter/virilis/jove/zeus"	"'Dangerous to be so highly esteemed by him.  Good luck.'"	"he wishes you luck as Jupiter's new favorite"	--
"priest" or "priest of jupiter" or "priest of jupiter virilis"	"'Drunken old sot, isn't he?'"	"he thinks the priest of Jupiter Virilis is a drunkard"	--
"Julia"	"'She's a hottie, isn't she?'"	"he thinks Julia is pretty hot; he didn't even mention the nose"	--
"Julius/Caesar" or "Julius Caesar" or "Gaius Julius Caesar"	"'Yep, that man will go far.  In fact, he'll go [italic type]all the way[roman type] at the drop of a hat.'  He sniffs suspiciously, his great nose twitching like a hound's.  'But I expect you already know that, don't you?'"	"he knows all about Caesar's predelictions"
"Syra"	"'Now there's a name I've not heard in some time.  Dark skin, wide hips, black hair, red lips, enormous sexy nose, ye gods what a ride that woman gave!'  He leers engagingly.  'Why, did you run into her?  No?  Too bad.  Well, if you do, tell her I said hi.'"	"he remembers Syra with great fondness"	--
"Festus/slave/lazy" or "lazy slave"	"'I borrowed him for a while this morning.  Don't worry, I didn't break him, just stretched him out some.  A little alum and he'll be right as rain.'"	"he borrowed [italic type]your[roman type] slave, yet again"	--
"Glub/Tsathoggua/Juiblex/Eihort"		"'I've never been able to determine whether or not he's real.  Sounds like a frightening god.'"	"Glub sounds like a frightening, if possibly fictitious, deity"	--
"Fatty/Norbanus/Gaius/Flaccus/party" or "Norbanus Flaccus" or "Gaius Norbanus Flaccus" or "Fatty Norbanus"	"Your father steeples his fingers.  'That would be Gaius Norbanus Flaccus[23 as a footnote].  You can usually find him at the the baths.  He throws pretty good parties, but honestly they aren't worth the cost of the invitation.'"	--

Chapter Four - "Peristyle"

The Peristyle is a room.  It is north of the Tablinum.  "This is the the peristyle, a large rectangular garden with a portico around the edge and a fountain in the middle.  The tablinum is south, and beyond it the atrium.  The triclinium is east and the exedra is west.  Off to the north a [if the flimsy door is closed]closed[end if] door marks the privy."  

The peristyle_scenery is scenery in the Peristyle. Understand "garden", "portico", "columns", "earth", "dirt", and "ground" as the peristyle_scenery.  The description is "The garden serves as both a source of fresh vegetables and an aromatic flower-garden during much of the year.  However, nothing has come up yet this year, and it's still just bare dirt."

The fountain is scenery in the Peristyle.  "The fountain is a dolphin, squirting water from its mouth into a small pool."  Understand "water", "dolphin", and "pool" as the fountain.  The fountain can be drinkable.  The fountain is drinkable.  Instead of drinking the fountain, say "You prefer the water from the impluvium in the atrium."  Instead of tasting the fountain, try drinking the fountain.   Instead of sucking the fountain, try drinking the fountain.  Instead of touching the fountain, try swimming around in the fountain.  Instead of smelling the fountain, say "The water in the fountain has no real smell."

Instead of swimming around in the fountain, say "It would be rude and classless to splash around in the fountain.  That's what the baths are for."

Instead of going east in the Peristyle, say "It's nowhere near a mealtime, so there's no reason to head into the triclinium."  Instead of going west in the Peristyle, say "Your family is not throwing a party, so the exedra is empty and very dull."

The flimsy door is a door.  It is scenery.  It is north of the Peristyle and south of the privy.  It is locked.  It is openable.  It is closed.  The description is "The privy door is a flimsy wooden door with a crescent moon carved out near the top."  Understand "privy", "wooden", "flimsy", "crescent", and "moon" as the flimsy door.

Before going through the closed flimsy door:
		say "(first opening the door)[line break]";
		silently try opening the flimsy door;
		if the flimsy door is closed, stop the action.
		
Before going through the open flimsy door:
		if the turn count is less than the festus_dump_turn
		begin;
			say "Festus wasn't kidding that you might want to wait a few minutes.  Gagging and choking, you retreat from the horrible stench.";
			stop the action;
		end if.

Before opening the flimsy door:
	If Cocky is not_warned_about
	begin;
		say "You start to push the door open, but it is slammed forcefully shut from the inside.  'Dude, I'm [italic type]busy[roman type] in here!' shouts Festus.";
		stop the action;
	end if.;
	
		

Chapter Five - "Privy"

Section One - "Privy"

The privy is a room.  "This is the privy.  It's actually quite nice by local standards, having a wooden seat over a hole that drops down to the sewer system below.  [if the flimsy door is open]An open door to the south[otherwise]A crescent-shaped cut-out in the door[end if] provides light and ventilation."  The Peristyle is outside from the privy.

The toilet is scenery in the privy.  The description is "A polished wooden seat frames the drop into darkness.  When you were little, you often feared you'd fall through into the sewers.  Even these days, you could probably squeeze down there if you really wanted to."  It is a supporter.  Understand "privy", "hole", "drop", "dark", "darkness", "sewer", "sewers", "polished", "wood", "wooden", and "seat" as the toilet.  Instead of searching the toilet, say "Rusted iron rungs concealed under the seat descend into the sewers."  The toilet can be enterable.  The toilet is enterable.  Instead of going inside in the privy, try entering the toilet.

Instead of pissing in the privy:
	consider the gotta-pee rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	say "You relieve yourself into the toilet.  Aaaah.";
	now the last_pissing_turn is the turn count.
	
Instead of shitting in the privy:
	consider the gotta-poop rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	if the player is not on the toilet
	begin;
		say "(first sitting on the toilet)";
		now the player is on the toilet;
	end if;
	say "You shit blissfully into the darkness beneath the toilet, enjoying the gentle splash of turds into the sewer.";
	now the last_shitting_turn is the turn count.

Instead of inserting anything into the toilet:
	if the privy is not warned_about 
	begin;
		say "Anything you drop down there is likely gone forever.";
		now the privy is warned_about;
	otherwise;
		if the noun is the signet ring and the Poop Deck is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "That would be exceptionally stupid.";
			stop the action;
		end if;
		say "You hear a faint splash followed by a forlorn 'bloop.'";
		remove the noun from play;
		really have the parser notice the privy;
		if the noun is the toga
		begin;
			say "(You can always ask Festus to bring you a new toga.)";
		end if;
		if the noun is the iron key and the iron grate is locked
		begin;
			say "There's a sharp spitting noise from beneath, and the iron key sails up through the toilet to land on the floor.";
			move the iron key to the location;
			really have the parser notice the iron key;
		end if;
		if the noun is the invitation token
		begin;
			say "You hear a glutinous chuckle from the sewers, and your father's signet ring sails up through the toilet to land, clinking, on the floor.";
			move the signet ring to the location;
			really have the parser notice the signet ring;
		end if;
	end if.

Carry out going down in the privy:
	say "You slither into the toilet and take hold of the ladder.";
	if Stiffy Makane is not filthy, say "With rue, but without surprise, you note that you have gotten absolutely filthy.";
	now Stiffy Makane is filthy;
	now every garment worn by Stiffy Makane is filthy;
	now every garment carried by Stiffy Makane is filthy;
	continue the action;

The iron ladder is a backdrop in the privy.  It is in Beneath the privy.  The description is "Rusty iron rungs [if the location is the privy]descend into smelly darkness[otherwise]ascend to the privy[end if]."  Understand "rusty", "rung", "rungs", and "iron" as the ladder.  Instead of climbing the ladder:
		if the location is the privy, instead try going down;
		if the location is Beneath the Privy, instead try going up.

Section Two - "Festus"

Festus is a man in the privy.  The description is "Festus is your usually-cheery slave.  He has dirty blond hair, and is a couple inches shorter than you are.  He's usually found wearing a goofy grin.  Prone to laziness and drunkenness, he floats along through life guided by his gonads.  His cock is just slightly smaller than yours, and, with that fact plus his tendency towards debauchery, he makes the perfect wingman."  Understand "blond", "slave", "dirty", "lazy", "wingman", "drunk", "drunken", and "goofy" as Festus.  The conversation of Festus is the Table of Festus's Chatter.

Instead of smelling Festus, say "Festus smells better than he looks like he should; musk and sweat, but clean, fresh sweat.  He's obviously bathed recently."

Festus's mouth is part of Festus.  The description is "Festus's mouth is more talented than it looks.  Mostly it looks like crooked teeth and a goofy grin."  Understand "teeth", "lips", "crooked", and "grin" as Festus's mouth.

Instead of kissing Festus:
	if Stiffy Makane is filthy, instead try fucking Festus;
	if the location is the Tablinum
	begin;
		say "Your father glares.  'Why don't you two get a room?  A different room.  Not the room in which I'm working.'";
	otherwise;
		say "You make out with Festus for a while.  He needs to brush his teeth.";
	end if.
	
Instead of fucking Festus:
	if the stiffycock is held by the player
	begin;
		if Stiffy Makane is filthy, instead say "Festus dodges your advances.  'Dude, you're covered in shit!' he screams.  'Not until you take a bath, I won't!'";
		if Festus is unboinked
		begin;
			if the location is the Tablinum
			begin;
				say "Your father glares.  'Why don't you two get a room?  A different room.  Not the room in which I'm working.'";
			otherwise;
				say "Festus obligingly flips up his tunic, braces himself against [if the location is the peristyle]one of the portico columns[end if][if the location is the atrium]the nearest wall[end if][if the location is the Stiffy Love Nest]the nightstand[end if], and presents his ass to you.  You spit on your hand, moisten your cock, and ram it in.[paragraph break]";
				say "It's sort of like wandering alone through the Colosseum[51 as a reference].[paragraph break]";
				say "Festus apologetically mutters, 'Your dad really stretched me out this morning.  Here, let me help.'[paragraph break]";
				say "He reaches back and makes a circle with his thumb and forefinger around your cock, and with his digital ministrations as well as his cavernous ass, you eventually achieve an orgasm.  A pretty unsatisfying one as orgasms go, but better than nothing.";
				record "Festus" as achieved;
				now Festus is boinked;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say "Been there, done that[if the location has not been Poop Deck].  Today, even[end if].";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	end if.
	
Instead of fucking Festus's mouth:
	if the stiffycock is held by the player
	begin;
		if Stiffy Makane is filthy, instead try fucking Festus;
		if Festus is unboinked
		begin;
			if the location is the Tablinum
			begin;
				say "Your father glares.  'Why don't you two get a room?  A different room.  Not the room in which I'm working.'";
			otherwise;
				say "Festus obligingly drops to his knees and begins bobbing up and down on your cock.  He's had a lot of practice with you, and knows just when and where to use his tongue, teeth, and epiglottis.  It's not long at all before you groan and deliver what feels like a quart of semen deep into his throat.[paragraph break]";
				say "Festus gulps, wipes your dick on his tunic, grins broadly, and belches delicately.  'A pleasure, as always, master,' he croons.";
				record "Festus" as achieved;
				now Festus is boinked;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say "Been there, done that[if the location has not been Poop Deck].  Today, even[end if].";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	end if.

	
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, blowing, or wanking off Festus, say "Festus stops you.  'Sorry, Stiffy,' he explains, 'but your dad's left me pretty drained.  Maybe later, OK?'"

Instead of asking Festus about "blow/blowjob", try fucking Festus's mouth.
Instead of asking Festus about "blow job", try fucking Festus's mouth.

Before asking Festus about anything when Festus is in the privy and the player is in the peristyle:
	say "A muffled voice shouts from the privy: '[italic type]Busy![roman type]  Wait till I'm done!'";
	stop the action.
	
Instead of asking Festus about "toga", follow the toga replacement rule.
Instead of giving or showing the toga to Festus, follow the toga replacement rule.
Instead of showing the invitation token to Festus, say "Festus smiles.  'Cool.  That'll be fun.'"
Instead of giving the invitation token to Festus, say "Festus shakes his head.  'You carry it; that'll get us both in.'"
Instead of giving or showing something to Festus, say "Festus stares at [the noun] blankly.  'Why don't you hang on to it for now?' he asks."

This is the toga replacement rule:
	If Stiffy Makane is filthy
	begin;
		say "Festus stares at you.  'Dude, you're covered in shit.  If you put on a fresh toga, then [italic type]it[roman type] will be covered in shit too.  Just head down to the baths and clean up.  They'll do your laundry there too, you know.'";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	If the toga is not visible
	begin;
		say "Festus grins.  'What, lost it again?  Dumbass.  Hang on.  I'll have a new one for you in a jiffy.'";
		follow the toga_replacement rule;		
	otherwise;
		if the toga is not filthy
		begin;
			say "Festus shrugs.  'Doesn't look like it needs laundering to me.'";
		otherwise;
			say "Festus grimaces with disgust at the sight of the toga.  'Yuck,' he nods, taking it from you.  'Be right back.'";
			follow the toga_replacement rule;
		end if;
	end if.	
		
This is the toga_replacement rule:
	say "Festus disappears into the house and returns almost immediately with a clean toga, which he helps you into.";
	now the toga is cleanish;
	now the toga is held by the player;
	really have the parser notice the toga;
	try wearing the toga.

Table of Festus's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"dad/pa/father/pop/Gallio/fist/fisting/Gallus/Cock/Cocky" or "Gallio Macanus Gallus"	"'The old man sure stretched me out today.  Used his whole fist.  Hurt like hell, and stirred up everything in there too."	"he said that your father had fisted him earlier today"	a number
"himself/festus/slave/lazy/drunk/drunken" or "drunken slave" or "lazy slave"	"'Yep.  That's my name.  Don't wear it out.'  He grins engagingly.  'Hell, you know everything there is to know about me, Stiffy.'"	"he says you know everything about him"	--	
"ring/signet" or "signet ring"	"'Ring?  I don't know what...' he blanches.  'Uh oh.  Yeah, I thought it hurt a little more than it should have when the old man fisted me this morning.  And then when I was taking that dump, yeah, something [italic type]did[roman type] go [apostrophe]clink[apostrophe].  So, uh, yeah.  It's probably down in the sewers somewhere.'"	"he thinks your father's signet ring has progressed from his butt to the sewer"	--
"ass/butt/anus/rectum/asshole"	"'Rectum?  Damn near [italic type]KILLED ME[roman type]!'"	"your father really gave him an anal workout"	--
"sewer/sewers"	"'You can totally climb down there, you know.  There are handholds in the toilet and everything.'"	"he says you can climb into the sewers from the privy"	--
"toilet/privy/crap/shit/dump/turd"	"'I really stunk it up good.'"	"he stank up the toilet something fierce"	--
"me/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Lucius/Mentula" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula" or "Stiffy Makane" or "Macanus Mentula"	"'You're about the best master ever.  No, really, I mean that.'"	"he says you're a great master"	--
"Syra"	"'Wow, you know her too?  What a ride, if you can stay out of the way of that nose!'"	"he thinks Syra is a great lay"		--
"Glub/Tsathoggua/Juiblex/Eihort"	"'He's supposed to be a god that lives in the sewer.  I don't think I believe in him.'"	"he doesn't really believe in Glub"	--
"Fatty/Norbanus/Gaius/Flaccus/party" or "Norbanus Flaccus" or "Gaius Norbanus Flaccus" or "Fatty Norbanus"	"'Him?  Yeah, little pindicked fat guy, throws good parties.  Most likely you can find him down at the baths.'"	"Fatty Norbanus is probably down at the baths"	--

Part Two - "Sewers"

Sewers is a region.  Generic_Sewers and Special_Sewers are regions in Sewers.
Generic_Sewers is a region.  Every generic_sewer_room is in Generic_Sewers.
Special_Sewers is a region.  Every special_sewer_room is in Special_Sewers.

Instead of shitting in a sewer_room:
	consider the gotta-poop rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	say "Well, this is certainly the place for it.  You squat down and fire off a few steamers into the dark water.";
	if the location is House_of_Glub begin;
		say "Glub applauds.  'Thanks for the snack!' he cries.  'Mmmm, pistachios!  My favorite!'";
	end if;
	now the last_shitting_turn is the turn count.
	
Instead of pissing in a sewer_room:
	consider the gotta-pee rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	say "Well, this is certainly the place for it.  You piss into the sewer channel.";
	if the location is House_of_Glub begin;
		say "Glub blinks a few of his eyes.  'You oughta lay off that cheap red wine, Stiffy,' he opines.";
	end if;
	now the last_pissing_turn is the turn count.

Chapter One - "Beneath the Privy"

Beneath the Privy is a special_sewer_room.  It is lighted.  It is down from the Privy.  The printed name is "Beneath the Privy".   The description is "It's dark and smelly down here.  The sewer, with about a foot of filthy water in the lowest part, stretches east.  It slopes slightly down to the west, and the water sluggishly flows in that direction and down through a small drain.  High above, a faint light trickles down from the privy in your peristyle.  Rusted iron rungs lead up to the privy's seat."

A sewer_rat is an animal in Beneath the Privy.  The description is "A brown sewer rat flinches away from the light."  The printed name is "sewer rat".  The indefinite article is "a".  Understand "brown", "sewer" and "rat" as the sewer_rat.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the sewer_rat, say "The rat scurries into the shadows."

The small drain is scenery in Beneath the Privy.  The description is "The sewer's flow vanishes here down into a nine-inch drain pipe."  Understand "pipe", "drainpipe", "nine", "inch", "inches", and "nine-inch" as the small drain.  The small drain can be enterable.  The small drain is enterable.  Instead of entering the small drain, say "You'd never fit."  Instead of going down in Beneath the Privy, try entering the small drain.  Instead of going west in Beneath the Privy, try entering the small drain.

The privy_ceiling is a sky_scenery in Beneath the Privy.  The description is "Dark stone, caked with slime, looms overhead.  Iron rungs lead up to the seat of the privy in your peristyle."  The printed name of privy_ceiling is "tunnel ceiling".  Understand "ceiling", "stone", "dark", "caked", "slime", and "overhead" as the privy_ceiling. 

Chapter Two - "Generic Sewer Rooms"

Sewer1 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is east from Beneath the Privy.  The description is "The sewer makes a sharp bend here, from the west to the north."

Before going west in Sewer1:
	if the location of Festus is the Privy
	begin;
		if the sewer_rat is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "A gargantuan torrent of shit rains down from the west, accompanied by a hellish moaning and a truly brobdingnagian fart, vilely stinking.  You cannot make headway against the stench and the wind.";
			now the sewer_rat is warned_about;
		otherwise;
			say "A groan and a splatter of feces, combined with another gust of vile fart, remind you that venturing farther west is a bad idea at the moment.";
		end if;
		stop the action;
	end if.

Sewer2 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is north from Sewer1.   The description is "The sewer makes a 'T' here: the flow comes from the east, and the downstream channel splits in two, one branch heading south and one to the west."

Sewer3 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is west from Sewer2.  The description is "The floor of the sewer is generally slightly higher here: the sewage forms a narrow channel between wide mud banks.  Water flows in from a pipe to the north too small to fit through, and the main sewer channel continues east and west."  Instead of going north in Sewer3, say "The pipe is too small for you to squeeze through[emdash]it's perhaps six inches in diameter."    Before listening: if the location is Sewer3, instead say the default reply of the frogs.

The sewer_pipe is scenery in Sewer3.  The printed name is "sewer pipe".  The description is "It's a sewer pipe about six inches in diameter."  Understand "pipe" and "sewer" as sewer_pipe.

Some frogs are animals in Sewer3.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Thousands of frogs, or maybe they're toads, ranging in size from the nearly microscopic to the size of big cats."  The initial appearance is "Thousands of frogs, or perhaps toads, blanket the muddy banks of the channel.  They are croaking rhythmically."  The default reply of the frogs is "'Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax[52 as a reference]!'"  Instead of fucking the frogs, say "The choice overwhelms you, and you don't know where to start."  Instead of attacking the frogs, say "The ones you swing at leap aside into the sewer, and are swiftly replaced by others."  Understand "frog", "toad", "toads", "warty", "green", "microscopic", "big", "small", and "cat-sized" as the frogs.  Instead of listening to the frogs, say the default reply of the frogs.  Instead of kissing the frogs, say "The odds that any of them would turn out to be a prince are, actually, not good at all."   Instead of tasting or sucking the frogs, say "OH DUDE YOU'RE GETTING SO HIGH...no, not really.  The frogs scatter away before you can lick them." 

The giant toad is an animal.  The description is "This warty monstrosity is about the size of a three-year-old child."  Understand "warty", "monstrosity", "three", "year", "old", "three-year-old", and "child" as the giant toad.  The default reply of the giant toad is "The toad belches contemptuously."  

Sewer4 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is east from Sewer2.  The description is "A large drainpipe with an iron grate over the end empties into the channel flowing west.  Steep, but fairly dry, steps descend to the south."   Instead of going up in Sewer4, try entering the drainpipe.

The drainpipe is scenery in Sewer4.  The description is "This lead pipe is about a foot in diameter, with a welded iron grate capping it.  A steady flow of noisome sludge runs into the channel from it."  Understand "lead", "iron", "grate", "pipe", "foot", "one-foot", "one", "welded", and "drain" as the drainpipe.  The drainpipe can be enterable.  The drainpipe is enterable.  Instead of entering the drainpipe, say "Both the grate and the size of the drain make this impossible."

The scenery_sewer_stair is a backdrop in Sewer4.  It is in sewer5.  The description is "Mildewed stone stairs lead steeply down from north to south."  Instead of climbing the scenery_sewer_stair in Sewer4, try going south.  Instead of climbing the scenery_sewer_stair in Sewer5, try going north.  Instead of going down in Sewer4, try going south.  Understand "stairs", "stair", "stone", "mildew", "dry", "mildewed", "steep", "steps", and "step" as the scenery_sewer_stair.

Sewer5 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is south from Sewer4.  Instead of going up in Sewer5, try going north.  The description is "This wide portion of the sewers is hot and steamy.  A continuous cascade of warm, dirty, soapy water pours from above, and sluices off to the south.  Steep stairs ascend to the north."

Sewer6 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is west from Sewer3.  The description is "Sewage swirls in a vortex around a drainpipe at the bottom of this circular room.  The only exit is back to the east."

The scenery_vortex is scenery in Sewer6.  The description is "The drainpipe appears to be about twelve inches in diameter.  It is just a little too small for you to fit down, even leaving aside the fact that you'd be submerging yourself in sewage and heading down a pipe to an unknown and potentially airless destination."  Understand "drain", "pipe", "drainpipe", "vortex", "whirlpool", "twelve", "inch", "inches", and "twelve-inch" as the scenery_vortex.  Instead of entering the scenery_vortex, try going down.  The printed name is "vortex".  Instead of diving into the scenery_vortex, try going down.

The iron key is a thing.  The description is "This is a rusty black iron key, about the size of your index finger."  Understand "rusty", "rusted", and "black" as the iron key.  Instead of smelling or tasting the iron key, say "You don't really need to, seeing as how you know it's been up a toad's ass."

Instead of going down in Sewer6 for the first time, say "You gingerly test out the edges of the drain; you really don't think you're going to fit."

Instead of going down in Sewer6:
	say "With grave misgivings, you slide your feet into the drain.  You drop about three feet, and then your hips get stuck.  The weight of the sewage presses you farther into the drain, forming a tight seal.  The level of sludge begins to rise.  After an excruciatingly vile hour, your lungs fill with muck.";
	end the story saying "You have drowned in sewage".
	
Instead of going inside in Sewer6, try going down.
	
Sewer7 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is south from Sewer5.  The description is "The heat is oppressive here; you have to duck slightly to avoid the low ceiling.  The channel bends from north to west."

Sewer8 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is west from Sewer7.  The description is "Murky, soapy, warm sewer-water flows sluggishly from east to west along a long section of sewer pipe.  The ceiling is oppressively low and you have to stoop almost double to proceed.  It lowers even further to the west."

Sewer9 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is west from Sewer8.  The description is "You are forced to your hands and knees in the mire as you traverse this claustrophobic east-west channel."

Sewer10 is a generic_sewer_room.  It is west from Sewer9.  The description  is "A channel of fearsomely black, fetid, viscous muck from the north flows through [if the black iron grate is closed]a closed[otherwise]an open[end if] rusty iron grate and joins the soapy flow from a cramped, low tunnel to the east here.  The stream continues to the west."

The black iron grate is north of Sewer10 and south of the House_Of_Glub.  The black iron grate is a door.  It is closed.  It is scenery.  The black iron grate can be lockable.  It is lockable.  It is locked.  The description is "The grate is huge and heavy, made of black, rusted iron.  It is hinged at the walls and splits in the middle at a large lock with a keyhole in the center.  The grate [if the black iron grate is open]gapes wide[otherwise]is shut[end if].  A plaque on the grate reads 'BEWARE OF GOD.'"  Understand "rusty", "rusted", "lock", "plaque", "huge", and "heavy" as the black iron grate.  The matching key of the black iron grate is the iron key.  Before going through the closed black iron grate: 
		say "(first opening the grate)[line break]";
		silently try opening the black iron grate;
		if the black iron grate is closed, stop the action.

Chapter Three - "Sewer Mouth"

Sewer_Mouth is a special_sewer_room.  It is west from Sewer10 and down from Dockside.  It is lighted.  The printed name is "Mouth of the Sewer".  The description is "The sewer, gurgling out of the darkness to the east, empties into the harbor here.  Rusty iron rungs lead up the face of the sea wall to the docks."  Instead of going inside in Sewer_Mouth, try going east.  Dockside is outside from Sewer_Mouth.

Before going up in Sewer_Mouth for the first time:
	if Dockside is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "You clamber up the ladder, and now realize that it had been wharfside all along, and you'd just never noticed it.";
		now Dockside is warned_about;
	end if.

The sewer_mouth_ceiling is a sky_scenery in Sewer_Mouth.  The description is "Dark stone, caked with slime, looms overhead.  Iron rungs lead up to the docks."  The printed name of sewer_mouth_ceiling is "tunnel ceiling".  Understand "ceiling", "stone", "dark", "caked", "slime", and "overhead" as the sewer_mouth_ceiling.  

Chapter Four - "The House Of Glub"

Section One - "The House Of Glub"

The House_Of_Glub is a special_sewer_room.  The printed name is "House of Glub".  The description of the House_of_Glub is "It all comes from here, the stench and the peril[53 as a reference].  A slowly-swirling pool of filth occupies nearly this entire large, circular room.  A thick stream of sewage flows lumpily out to the south."

Section Two - "The Great God Glub"

Glub is a man in the House_Of_Glub.  "[if the House_Of_Glub is not visited]A noisome, gelatinous [italic type]thing[roman type] occupies the center of the pool.  It extrudes a glaring red eye and considers you.  Then it begins to laugh, in a voice like gas bubbles breaking the surface of a cesspool.  'So pleased you could join me, Stiffy.  Allow me to introduce myself.  I am the Great God Glub.'  It twirls your father's signet ring on one delicate pseudopod.  'Bet you'd like this back, wouldn't you?'[otherwise]Glub lounges in the center of the pool."  The description of Glub is "Loathsome and nauseating in the extreme, Glub is a roughly nine-foot-tall cone-like mass, striated in disgusting blackish greens, foul browns and yellows, and sickly translucent grays and ambers, speckled with glaring red eyes[54 as a reference]."  Understand "Juiblex", "Faceless", "Lord", "Great", "God", "Tsathoggua", "toad", "nine", "foot", "nine-foot", "cone-like", "striated", "black", "blackish", "green", "greens", "foul", "disgusting", "loathsome", "nauseating", "brown", "browns", "yellow", "yellows", "sickly", "translucent", "grey", "gray", "greys", "grays", "amber", "ambers", "red", "glaring", "eyes", "eye", "ooze", "pseudopod", "delicate", "thing", "noisome", "caustic", and "cone" as Glub.  The default reply of Glub is "Glub makes no reply, beyond a farting burble and a roll of half-a-dozen or so red eyes. ".  The conversation of Glub is the Table of Glub's Chatter.  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Glub: no.  Glub has a horniness.  Glub is unaroused.

The glub_ceiling is a sky_scenery in House_of_Glub.  The description is "Dark stone, caked with slime, looms overhead.  Most of the Ostia sewer system empties into this room: the ceiling is dotted with hundreds of pipe ends, providing a constant drizzle of sewage."  Understand "ceiling", "pipe", "pipes", "end", "ends", "stone", "dark", "caked", "slime", and "overhead" as the glub_ceiling.  

Instead of giving or showing something that is not the invitation token to Glub:
	say "A ripple, which you understand as a shrug, passes through Glub."

Instead of showing the invitation token to Glub:
	say "Glub burbles, 'Hand it over and the ring is yours.'"
	
Instead of waving the invitation token when the location is House_Of_Glub, try showing the invitation token to glub.

Instead of giving the invitation token to Glub:
	say "Glub takes the brass token with a careful pseudopod.  With another one, he hands you the signet ring.  'A pleasure doing business, Mr. Makane,' he gurgles.  'Feel free to stop in any time.'";
	now the signet ring is held by Stiffy Makane;
	really have the parser notice the invitation token;
	remove the invitation token from play.

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Glub for the first time:
	say "Something, perhaps the fact that the object of your affection is a nine-foot pile of caustic ooze, warns you that this would be dangerous."
	
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Glub:
	say "You surrender yourself utterly to the embrace of the Great God Glub.";
	end the story saying "You have dissolved into the noisome majesty that is Glub".

Table of Glub's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"ring"	"'As it happens, I hear that Fatty Norbanus is having one of his little shindigs.  I'd like to go.  I'll trade you the ring for an invitation[22 as a footnote].'"	"you can have the ring in exchange for an invitation to Fatty Norbanus's party"		--
"Fatty/Norbanus/Gaius/Flaccus/party/invitation" or "Norbanus Flaccus" or "Gaius Norbanus Flaccus" or "Fatty Norbanus"	"'He throws great parties, and it's rude even for a god to crash one.  He spends a lot of time at the baths.'"	"he wants to go to Fatty's party, and says that Fatty spends a lot of time at the baths"	--
"Juiblex" or "Faceless Lord"	"A dozen or so eyes roll.  'Yes, yes, Juiblex is one of my monikers as well.'"	"Juiblex is another of his names"	--
"Jubilex"		"'Arrrgh.  Get it right!' groans Glub.  'It's [italic type]Juiblex[roman type], not [italic type]Jubilex[roman type].'"	"Juiblex, not Jubilex"	--
"Eihort"		"A squleching sigh: 'Some know me, indeed, as Eihort.'"	"he also goes by Eihort"	--
"Tsathoggua"	"'Yep, that's another of my names.  Well-spotted.  I guess the toad gave it away.'"	"he is also known as Tsathoggua"	--
"Toad/frog/Pierre"	"'Old Pierre is one of my favorite minions.'"	"his minion Pierre is a toad, and one of his favorites"	--
"Syra"		"'She might be cute, but don't let anyone tell you her shit don't stink.'"	"Syra's excrement is nothing special"	--

Before asking Glub about "signet", instead try asking Glub about "ring".
Before asking Glub about "signet ring", instead try asking Glub about "ring".
Before asking Glub about "ring":
	if Glub is not warned_about
	begin;
		now Glub is warned_about;
	end if.

Part Three - "Ostia Town"

Town is a region.  Ostia and Dockside are in Town.

Chapter One - "Ostia"

Ostia is a room.  It is south of the Atrium.  "The main street of Ostia heads west to the docks.  Your house is north.  The baths are to the east."   Ostia is outside from the Atrium.

The scenery_house is scenery in Ostia.  The printed name is "house".  The description is "Your family's house is a well-appointed Roman townhouse, neither the biggest nor the smallest on the block."  Understand "your", "family's", "house", "villa", "townhouse", and "apartment" as the scenery_house.  The scenery_house can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_house, try going north.

Before going east in Ostia for the first time, say "I bet you were expecting a big, elaborate implementation of the baths, with assignations to be had, intrigues to be performed, and loving and careful descriptions of the various parts of a Roman bath.  Sorry about that."

Instead of going east in Ostia:
	say "You duck into the baths and freshen yourself up[if the toga is visible]; while you're at it you drop off your toga to be laundered and receive a freshly-cleaned one in its stead[end if].";
	now Stiffy Makane is sparkling;
	if Glub is warned_about and Glub is unaroused
	begin;
		say "[line break]You also find Fatty Norbanus, and, with a little oral persuasion, you cajole him into surrendering an invitation token to his party.";
		now the invitation token is held by Stiffy Makane;
		really have the parser notice the invitation token;
		now Glub is horny;
		record "Gaius Norbanus Flaccus" as achieved;
	end if;
	if the toga is visible
	begin;
		now the toga is cleanish;
		if the toga is not worn, try wearing the toga;
	end if.
	
The invitation token is a thing.  The description is "This is a small brass token: one one side it reads 'ADMIT ONE' and on the other 'G. Norbanus Flaccus' is embossed."  Understand "brass" and "small" as the invitation token.  Instead of rolling the invitation token, say "There would be no point in doing so."  Instead of tasting the invitation token, say "What would be the point?"  Instead of smelling the invitation token, try tasting the invitation token.

Some pbs1 are men in Ostia.  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "passers-by".  They are scenery.  The description of the pbs1 is "Passers-by rush to and fro on inscrutable business of their own." Understand "man", "woman", "men", "people", "passer", "passers", "passerby", "passer-byes", "passers-by", and "women" as pbs1.  The default reply of the pbs1 is "They pay you no attention."  Instead of attacking the pbs1, say "The thought of your father's displeasure, should you begin assaulting the people of Ostia, dissuades you."  Instead of fucking the pbs1, say "Your father would not look kindly upon your rape of the people of Ostia."  The pbs1 are unspeakable.


Chapter Two - "Dockside"

Part One - "Dockside"

Dockside is a room.  It is west of Ostia.  "These are the docks of Ostia.  Your father's ship, [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type], bobs at anchor just to the west[if Dockside is warned_about].  Part way down the sea wall, the sewer outflow gurgles into the harbor; iron rungs allow access[end if]."
	Instead of going west in Dockside, follow the all-aboard-the-ass rule.

The outflow_pipe is scenery in Dockside.  The description is "The sewers exit into the harbor here; the outflow pipe is perhaps four feet high, and you could easily enter the sewers through it if you chose."  The printed name is "outflow pipe".  Understand "pipe", "outflow", "outfall", "sewer", and "sewers" as the outflow_pipe.  The outflow_pipe can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the outflow_pipe, try going down.  
Before doing anything with the outflow_pipe:
if the location is Dockside and Dockside is not_warned_about
	begin;
		say "You'd never noticed before, but the sewers[italic type]do[roman type] exit into the harbor here.  An iron ladder leading down the side of the wharf allows access.";
		now Dockside is warned_about;
	end if;
	continue the action.


The scenery_ship is scenery in Dockside.  The printed name is "[italic type]Golden Ass[roman type]".  The description is "The [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] bobs at anchor here.  The ship is about 80 feet long[25 as a footnote]."  Understand "ship", "boat", "golden", "ass", "corbita", "eighty", "80", "feet", "80-foot", and "merchant" as the scenery_ship.  Instead of entering the scenery_ship, follow the all-aboard-the-ass rule.  Instead of going up in the location of the scenery_ship, follow the all-aboard-the-ass rule.

The iron_ladder2 is a backdrop in Dockside.  It is in Sewer_Mouth.  The description is "Rusty iron rungs [if the location is Dockside]descend to the sewer's mouth[otherwise]ascend to the docks[end if]."  Understand "rung", "rungs", "ladder", "rusty" and "iron" as the iron_ladder2.  The printed name is "iron ladder".  Instead of climbing the iron_ladder2:
		if the location is Dockside, instead try going down;
		if the location is Sewer_Mouth, instead try going up.
Before doing anything with the iron_ladder2:
	if the location is Dockside and Dockside is not_warned_about
	begin;
		say "You'd never noticed before, but there [italic type]is[roman type] an iron ladder leading down the side of the wharf here, allowing access to the sewer outflow.";
		now Dockside is warned_about;
	end if;
	continue the action.
		
The scenery_sea_wall is a backdrop in Dockside.  It is in Sewer_Mouth.  The description is "The sea wall is made of tan stone, coated in green slime."  The printed name is "sea wall".  Understand "sea", "wall", "stone", "tan", "green", and "slime" as the scenery_sea_wall.

Carry out going down in Dockside:
	if Dockside is not warned_about, instead say "You can't go that way.";
	say "You clamber down the rungs.";
	if Stiffy Makane is not filthy, say "With rue, but without surprise, you note that you have gotten absolutely filthy.";
	now Stiffy Makane is filthy;
	now every garment worn by Stiffy Makane is filthy;
	now every garment carried by Stiffy Makane is filthy;
	continue the action.
	
Some pbs2 are men in Dockside.  They are ambiguously plural.   The printed name is "passers-by".  They are scenery.  The description of the pbs2 is "Passers-by rush to and fro on inscrutable business of their own." Understand "man", "woman", "men", "people", "passer", "passers", "passerby", "passer-byes", "passers-by", and "women" as pbs2.  The default reply of the pbs2 is "They pay you no attention."  Instead of attacking the pbs2, say "The thought of your father's displeasure, should you begin assaulting the people of Ostia, dissuades you."  Instead of fucking the pbs2, say "Your father would not look kindly upon your rape of the people of Ostia."  The pbs2 are unspeakable.

Part Two - "Bruno"

Bruno is a man in Dockside.  He is scenery.  The description is "Bruno is the ship's captain.  He's got a shaved head, a droopy moustache, a neck like a bull's, and huge arms."  Understand "captain", "sailor", and "man" as Bruno.  The default reply of Bruno is "Bruno scratches his head.  'Alas, young Master Makane, I can't help you there.'"  The conversation of Bruno is the Table of Bruno's Chatter.

Bruno's head is part of Bruno.  Understand "bald", "shaved", "shaven", and "oiled" as Bruno's head.  The description is "Bruno's head is shaved and oiled."

Bruno's neck is part of Bruno.  Understand "bull's", "bull", and "thick" as Bruno's neck.  The description is "Bruno's neck is the size of your thigh."

Bruno's arms are part of Bruno.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Bruno's arms are hugely muscled."  Understand "arm", "muscle", "muscles", "muscled", and "huge" as Bruno's arms.

Bruno's moustache is part of Bruno.  The description is "Bruno has a black moustache that droops down on either side of his mouth."  Understand "black", "mouth", and "droopy" as Bruno's moustache.

Instead of giving or showing the ring to Bruno:
	if the Poop Deck is not_warned_about
	begin;
		say "Bruno nods.  'Indeed, Master Makane.  The [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] is yours to command.";
		now the Poop Deck is warned_about;
	otherwise;
		say "Bruno nods.";
	end if.
	
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Bruno:
	If Stiffy Makane is filthy, instead say "Bruno gags.  'Bath,' he chokes, pointing eastwards.";
	say "Bruno shakes his head.  'Alas, young Master Makane, you're not my type,' he explains.".

Before asking Bruno about "signet ring", instead try asking Bruno about "ring".
Before asking Bruno about "signet/ring":
	if the Poop Deck is warned_about, instead try asking Bruno about "#fake0".

Table of Bruno's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"#fake0"	"'Master Makane, you have proven your authority to command me and my vessel.'"	"he has seen you with the ring, so now he knows you're entitled to command the ship"	a number
"ring/signet"	"'Come to me wearing the ring, young master Makane, and we'll go wherever you say.'"	"if you wear the ring, he will take your orders"	--
"dad/pa/father/pop/Gallio/Gallus/Cock/Cocky" or "Gallio Macanus Gallus"	"'I owe him everything.'"	"he is fanatically loyal to your father"	--
"ship/golden/ass/yacht/boat/vessel" or "Golden Ass"	"'Truly a beauty, isn't she?'"	"he is proud of the ship"	--
"Syra"	"Bruno says nothing, but blushes."	"apparently he also knows Syra"	--



Volume Five - "Shipboard"

Book One - "Machinery"

Shipboard is a region.  The Poop Deck is in Shipboard.

Stiffy At Sea is a recurring scene.  Stiffy At Sea begins when the location is in Shipboard.  Stiffy At Sea ends when the location is not in Shipboard.

Test Sb1 with "Poop / Kiss Palinurus / Ask Palinurus about Sea / Ask Palinurus about beer / Ask Palinurus about Destinations / Ask Palinurus about Cuma / Test Cumae / Ask Palinurus about Carthage / Test Sicily".
Test Sb2 with "Ask Palinurus about Carthage / D  / Test Carthage / E / Ask Palinurus about Jaffa / Test Judaea1 ".
Test Sb3 with "Ask Palinurus about Egypt / Test Egypt / U ".
Test sb4 with "Ask Palinurus about Jaffa / D / Test judaea2".
Test sb5 with "Ask Palinurus about Thessalonica".

Test min-midgame with "Ask Palinurus about Carthage / Test min-Sicily / Ask Palinurus about Carthage / Test min-Carthage / Ask Palinurus about Judaea / Test min-jud1".

Test min-whale with "Wear beard/wear tallis/ask palinurus about syracuse / remove toga/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z".

Test min-sea with "test min-midgame / test min-whale / test min-africa / test hippo / ask palinurus about jaffa / D / test judaea2 ".

Test sbwhale with "Wear beard/wear tallis/pray/ask palinurus about Jaffa / remove toga/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z".

Test shipboard with "test sb1 / test sb2 /test sb3 / test sbwhale / test africa / test hippo/ test sb4 / test sb5".

Test To-Shipboard with "Test To-Ostia /  Test Ostia ".

This is the all-aboard-the-ass rule:
	if Archie is unboinked and the location is Syracuse
	begin;
		say "Bruno shrugs.  'We're going nowhere in this storm.  Go get yourself some shore leave, Master Makane.'";
		rule fails;
	otherwise;
		if the signet ring is not worn and the Poop Deck is not_warned_about
		begin;
			say "Bruno, the captain of [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type], refuses to let you board.  'I'm sorry, young master Makane,' he says, 'but unless you're wearing your father's signet ring, I don't know that he's really allowed you to command my vessel.'";
			rule fails;
		otherwise;
			if the player is filthy
			begin;
				say "Bruno gags as you approach.  'Please, young master Makane, go clean yourself up first!'";
				rule fails;
			otherwise;
				say "Bruno bows slightly to you as you board the ship.";
				move the player to the Poop Deck;
				now the Poop Deck is warned_about;
				rule succeeds;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.


Book Two - "Oceanography"

Table of Ports
topic		expected-port-name	port-name	disembarkation-location	ship-present	times-visited	flavor-text	sky
"Ostia"		"Ostia"			"Ostia"		Dockside			"yes"		0		", arriving without incident at Ostia."	roman_sky_scenery
"Carthage/Carthago/Karthago"	"Carthage"	"Syracuse"	Syracuse	"no"		0		", but you encounter a fierce storm west of Sicily.  You vomit miserably as Palinurus has himself lashed to his chair and sailors scurry about in a near-panic.  After many horrific hours, the [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] limps into the Syracuse harbor."	carthage_sky_scenery
"Syracuse/Syracusa"	"Syracuse"	"Syracuse"	Syracuse		"no"		0		", sailing across waters initially smooth as glass, but worsening as a storm moves in, to Syracuse."	syracuse_sky_scenery
"Cumae/Cuma"	"Cumae"	"Cumae"	Cumae	"no"	0	", sailing placidy to Cumae."	Cumean_sky_scenery
"Jaffa/Judaea/Judea"	"Jaffa"	"Jaffa"	Jaffa	"no"	0	", rocking through choppy seas on the journey to Judaea."	Judaean_sky_scenery
"Alexandria/Egypt"	"Alexandria"	"Alexandria"	Alexandrine Wharf	"no"	0	", heading south as the weather grows hotter, eventually reaching the Great Harbor in Alexandria."	Egyptian_sky_scenery
"Thessalonica/Thessalonika/Thessaloniki/Salonica/Saloniki/Salonika"	"Thessalonica"	"Thessalonica"	Thessalonica	"no"	0	", skirting the Greek coast up to Macedonia."	generic_sky_scenery

Book Three - "The Golden Ass"

Part One - "Poop Deck"

The Poop Deck is a room.  "This is the poop deck of [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type], your father's pride and joy.  One of the first ships in his merchant fleet, it is one of the smaller ones now, but the most luxuriously appointed.";

The gangway is a thing in the Poop Deck.  It is fixed in place.  The gangway can be enterable.  It has some text called the destination.  The description is "It's a plain wooden gangway on the port side, allowing you to descend into [destination]."  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the gangway, try going port.  Instead of going down in the Poop Deck when the gangway is visible, try going port.  Understand "wooden" and "wood" as the gangway.    The destination of the gangway is "Ostia".  Instead of exiting in the Poop Deck when the gangway is visible, try going port.  Does the player mean doing something with the gangway: it is likely.

The scenery_ship_deck is a backdrop in the Poop Deck.  The description is "It's a perfectly ordinary wooden ship's deck."  Understand "ship" and "deck" as the scenery_ship_deck.  The printed name is "deck".

The scenery_poop_sea is a backdrop in the Poop Deck.  The scenery_poop_sea can be enterable.  It is enterable.  It is in Poop_Deck.  The description is "The sea laps at the side of the ship."  Understand "blue", "sea", "harbor", "ocean", "Mediterranean", and "water" as the scenery_poop_sea.  Instead of entering the scenery_sea, consider the harbor-swimming rule.  Instead of jumping into the scenery_sea, try entering the scenery_sea. 

This is the harbor-swimming rule:
	instead say "You would look and feel stupid paddling around the [destination of the gangway] harbor."
	
Rule for printing room description details of the gangway:
	say " (leading to [destination of the gangway])";

Before going port in the Poop Deck:
	if the gangway is in the Poop Deck
	begin;
		choose row with a ship-present of "yes" in the Table of Ports;
		let L be the disembarkation-location entry;
		say "You trudge down the gangway into [destination of the gangway].";
		if L is Carthage and Carthage is not warned_about
		begin;
			now Carthage is warned_about;
			say "[paragraph break][paragraph break][paragraph break][italic type]To Carthage then I came[paragraph break][paragraph break]Burning burning burning burning[roman type][56 as a reference][paragraph break][paragraph break][paragraph break]";
		end if;
		move the player to L;
		stop the action;
	end if.

Instead of shitting in the Poop Deck, say "Oddly enough, you[apostrophe]re not supposed to poop on the Poop Deck.  It's not fair at all."

After deciding the scope of the player when the location is the Poop Deck:
	choose row with a ship-present of "yes" in the Table of Ports;
	if there is a sky entry
	begin;
		place the sky entry in scope;
	end if.

Part Two - "Palinurus"

Palinurus is a man in the Poop Deck.  The default reply of Palinurus is "'Arr, matey.  I don't be knowin[apostrophe] much about [apostrophe][the topic understood],[apostrophe]  but ye can ask me about any of the places I know how to sail to and I[apostrophe]ll take ye there, or ye can ask me about [apostrophe]destinations[apostrophe] or [apostrophe]places[apostrophe] and I'll list [apostrophe]em all for ye.  Arr.' ".  The conversation of Palinurus is the Table of Palinurus's Chatter.  The description is "Palinurus is the helmsman of [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type].  He's a weathered middle-aged man, with piercing green eyes and gray hair.  His wiry frame is well-muscled."  Understand "pal", "old", "man", "helmsman", "muscles", "muscle", "wiry", "well-muscled", "muscled", "well", "frame", "middle", "aged", and "middle-aged" as Palinurus.

Palinurus's eyes are part of Palinurus.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "eye", "sea-green", "pale", "piercing", and "green" as Palinurus's eyes.  The description is "Palinurus's eyes are a pale sea-green.  He is constantly scanning the horizon."

Palinurus's hair is part of Palinurus.  Understand "wild", "unkempt", "gray", "tangled", "mane", and "long" as Palinurus's hair.  The description is "Palinurus's hair is a wild, unkempt tangle of gray, forming a mane that stretches past his shoulders."

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Palinurus:
	say "Palinurus shoves you away.  'Belay that, lad!  I[apostrophe]m married to the sea!'";

Table of Palinurus's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Palinurus/helmsman/himself"	"'Yarrr, with a name like that, what chance did I ever have to become anything else?'"	"he feels his name doomed him to a profession as a helmsman"	--
"Pirate/arr/arrrr/arrgh/yar/yarr/yargh/yarrr"	"'Aye, arrrre you making fun of my way of speakin[apostrophe] now, lad?'"	"he took some offense at your mockery of his speech"	--
"ocean/sea/wife/woman"	"'Arr, the sea is like t'a woman: mysterious, treacherous, governed by the moon, an[apostrophe] a-smellin[apostrophe] of tuna.'"	"he told you the sea was like a woman"	--
"Syra"		"'Aye, [apostrophe]twas a wild night, that one.  Long ago, lad.  Long ago.'"	"he had a wild night long ago with Syra"	--
"Nineveh"		"'Nineveh?  It was nowhere near the sea, lad, and it be long gone to ruin.'"	"Nineveh was destroyed long ago"	--
"Tarshish"	"'Tarshish?  Never heard of it.'"	"he knows no place named Tarshish"	--
"#fake0"		"No text."	"he told you the places to which he can sail [bracket]you can always ask him about PLACES again[close bracket]"	--

Instead of asking Palinurus about "destinations/places":
	if Greek Piracy is happening, instead say "Palinurus snaps, 'Belay that, laddie!  Can't ye see I'm busy?'";
	say "Palinurus clears his throat.  'Aye,' he begins.  'I can steer you to [run paragraph on]";
	repeat with N running from 1 to the number of rows in the the Table of Ports
	begin;
		choose row N in the Table of Ports;
		if N is the number of rows in the Table of Ports and N > 1
		begin;
			say "and [run paragraph on]";
		end if;
		say "[expected-port-name entry][run paragraph on]";
		if N is not the number of rows in the Table of Ports
		begin;
			say ", [run paragraph on]";
		end if;
	end repeat;
	say ".  That's the lot.  Yarr.'";
	now Palinurus is conversed;
	replace the topic understood with "#fake0";
	if  topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Palinurus's Chatter, now the turn stamp entry is the turn count;
	rule succeeds.

Before asking Palinurus about something:
	if Greek Piracy is happening, instead say "Palinurus snaps, 'Belay that, laddie!  Can't ye see I'm busy?'";
	If the topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Ports
	begin;
		if the ship-present entry is "yes"
		begin;
			say "Palinurus stares at you curiously.  'Aye, laddie.  We[apostrophe]re already here.'";
		otherwise;
			if the global_pirate_attack_flag is 0 or the golden banana is not enclosed by the player
			begin;
				if the destination of the gangway is "Syracuse" and Archie is unboinked
				begin;
					say "Palinurus jerks a thumb at the sky.  'We don't sail until she clears up, laddie!'";
					stop the action;
				end if;
				if the destination of the gangway is "Syracuse" and Carthage is not warned_about, consider the swap-Carthage-and-Syracuse rule;
				say "Palinurus nods.  'Weigh anchor for [expected-port-name entry]!' he shouts.  Bruno comes aboard.  Palinurus trims the sails and works the steering oars[run paragraph on]";
				let T be port-name entry;
				let E be expected-port-name entry;
				let F be flavor-text entry;
				choose row with a ship-present of "yes" in the Table of Ports;
				now the ship-present entry is "no";
				replace the topic understood with T;
				if the topic understood is a topic listed in the Table of Ports
				begin;
					now the ship-present entry is "yes";
					now the destination of the gangway is the port-name entry;
					consider the check-for-diseases rule;
					move Bruno to the disembarkation-location entry;
					move the scenery_ship to the disembarkation-location entry;
					now the times-visited entry is the times-visited entry + 1;
				end if;
				if the fake beard is warned_about
				begin;
					consider the here-come-da-whale rule;
					stop the action;
				end if;
				if the tallis is worn and the fake beard is worn and the golden banana is not handled
				begin;
					consider the here-come-da-whale rule;
					stop the action;
				end if;
				say "[F][paragraph break]";
			otherwise;
				now the destination of the gangway is "nowhere";
				remove the gangway from play;
				[ Pirate Attack code here ]
				now the global_pirate_attack_flag is 2;
				say "Palinurus nods.  'Weigh anchor for [expected-port-name entry]!' he shouts.  Bruno comes aboard.  Palinurus trims the sails and works the steering oars.  But along the way...";	
			end if;
		end if;
	stop the action;
	end if.

Part Three - "Shipboard Rules"

This is the swap-Carthage-and-Syracuse rule:
	choose row with expected-port-name of "Syracuse" in the Table of Ports;
	now the port-name entry is "Carthage";
	now the flavor-text entry is ", but as you near Syracuse, a sudden squall comes up and carries the [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] far to the west, finally petering out not far from Carthage, to which you proceed instead.  Speaking of petering out, you notice that your urination has become incredibly painful.  Maybe there will be a doctor who can help in Carthage.";
	now the disembarkation-location entry is Carthage;
	choose row with expected-port-name of "Carthage" in the Table of Ports;
	now the port-name entry is "Carthage";
	now the flavor-text entry is ", steering you uneventfully to Carthage.  Well, mostly uneventfully.  The trip itself is fine, but it sure does hurt now when you pee.  Maybe someone in Carthage will be able to help.";
	now the disembarkation-location entry is Carthage;


This is the check-for-diseases rule:
	if the destination of the gangway is "Carthage" and Archie is boinked and the stiffycock is healthy and Carthage is not warned_about
	begin;
		now the stiffycock is diseased;
		if the stiffycock is visible, move the greenish pus to the player;
	end if.

This is the here-come-da-whale rule:
	say ".  Only a few hours out of port, the sky darkens; rain begins to fall and the ocean becomes choppy.  Then a gigantic voice speaks from the thunderstorm: 'Jonah, I told you to get yourself to Nineveh and preach!  [if the location has been Real Whale Interior]How many times do I have to command you?[run paragraph on][otherwise]And now I find you trying to flee Me![run paragraph on][end if]'[line break][paragraph break]";
	say "A whale leaps from the sea, directly across the ship's deck, neatly plucking you from it as it sails overhead.  With a gulp, you are swallowed.[paragraph break]";
	now the fake beard is not_warned_about;
	move the player to Real Whale Interior.
	
Volume Six - "Syracuse"

Sicily is a region.  Syracuse and the Polyphemus Brothel are in Sicily.  Test Sicily with "D/ E/ Remove toga / N/ Ask Archie about himself/ X Archie / Ask Archie about date / wear toga / S / E"

Test min-sicily with " D / N / remove toga / fuck Archie / wear toga / s / e".

Sicilian Salacity is a recurring scene.  Sicilian Salacity begins when the location is in Sicily.  Sicilian Salacity ends when the location is not in Sicily.

Every turn during Sicilian Salacity:
	if the location is the Polyphemus Brothel for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Archie" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	if Archie is visible and the stiffycock is visible and Archie is handled and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds, say "Archie gazes at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock, and licks his lips longingly.";
	if Archie is visible and Archie is not handled
	begin;
		say "'Hello, sailor,' says the man, without the slightest trace of a barbaric accent.  'My name's Archie.  I see you're from the [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type].  Your credit's good here. [if the stiffycock is not visible] Why don't you slip into something less confining[otherwise] Did you know that [stiffycolor of the stiffycock] is my very favorite color[end if]?'";
		now the printed name of Archie is "Archie";
		now Archie is handled;
	end if.	

Book One - "Geography"

The syracuse_sky_scenery is sky_scenery.  It is in Syracuse.  The description is "Rain pelts down from a stormy sky."  Understand "sky", "rain", "storm", "cloud", "clouds", "cloudy", "pelting", and "stormy" as the syracuse_sky_scenery.

Part One - "Syracuse"

Syracuse is a room.  "There's not much to say about dockside Syracuse[if Archie is unboinked], especially in a driving thunderstorm[end if].  The [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] is docked to the east, and a pink-painted building is to the north."

The scenery_brothel is scenery in Syracuse.  The printed name is "brothel".  The description is "The pink-painted Polyphemus Brothel is just to the north.  A quality establishment, its gaily-swinging sign sports a festive painting of ol[apostrophe] one-eye enthusiastically banging a sheep."  Understand "sign", "gaily", "swinging", "gaily-swinging", "pink", "pink-painted", "building", "gay", "brothel", "polyphemus", "cyclops", and "sheep" as the scenery_brothel.

The brothel_notice is scenery.  The printed name is "notice".  The description is "'Closed on account of the clap.'"  Understand "small" and "notice" as the brothel_notice.

Instead of going east in Syracuse, follow the all-aboard-the-ass rule.  Instead of going inside in Syracuse, try going north.

Instead of going north in Syracuse when Quackery has happened, say "The brothel is closed, as a small notice on the door points out."
	
Part Two - "Polyphemus Brothel"

Chapter One - "Brothel"

The Polyphemus Brothel is north of Syracuse.  The printed name is "Polyphemus Brothel".  The description is "Pretty much as you'd expect, the Polyphemus is richly and tastelessly decorated.  The lionskin rug is a particularly decadent touch."  Syracuse is outside from the Polyphemus Brothel.

The scenery_prayer is scenery in the Polyphemus Brothel.  The printed name is "painted prayer".  The description is "Commandment #12592[paragraph break]Oh ye who go about saying unto each:  'Hello sailor': [line break]Dost thou know the magnitude of thy sin before the gods? [line break]Yea, verily, thou shalt be ground between two stones. [line break]Shall the angry gods cast thy body into the whirlpool? [line break]Surely, thy eye shall be put out with a sharp stick! [line break]Even unto the ends of the earth shalt thou wander and[line break]Unto the land of the dead shalt thou be sent at last. [line break]Surely thou shalt repent of thy cunning[55 as a reference]."  Understand "paint", "painted", "prayer", "commandment", "wall", "12592", and "painting" as the scenery_prayer.

The lionskin rug is scenery in the Polyphemus Brothel.  The description is "Tawdry; kind of mangy, in fact."  Understand "floor", "tawdry", "mangy", "lion", "skin", and "tan" as the lionskin rug.  Instead of smelling the lionskin rug, say "If you've learned anything in your life, it's that you shouldn't smell the floor coverings in brothels."  Instead of tasting the lionskin rug, say "It's a rug on the floor of a brothel, and you want to put it in your mouth?  I think not."  Instead of rubbing the lionskin rug, say "If there were a lion attached to the rug, it'd be purring now."  Instead of sucking the lionskin rug, try tasting the lionskin rug.  Instead of looking under the lionskin rug, say "No trap doors.  Sorry."  Check taking the lionskin rug: instead say "But it really ties the room together[62 as a reference]."  Instead of pushing or pulling the lionskin rug, try taking the lionskin rug.

Chapter Two - "Archie"

Archie is a man in the Polyphemus Brothel.  The printed name is "a red-headed barbarian".  Understand "man", "whore", "man-whore", "prostitute", "catamite", "hooker", "virile", "barbarian", "Archimedes", and "Andrews" as Archie.  The default reply of Archie is "'You're not here to [italic type]talk[roman type], are you?' ".  The description of Archie is "[Archie] lounges sultrily against the wall, next to a prayer to the gods of the sea.  His bright-orange hair (characteristic of virile barbarians) frames bushy eyebrows and a cheery grin.  He is resplendent in a leather jockstrap that fails to conceal his prodigious endowment."  The conversation of Archie is the Table of Archie's Chatter.

Archie's cock is part of Archie.  It is a penis.  The description is "As your cock is to that of ordinary mortals, so is Archie's to yours."  Understand "leather", "jockstrap", "endowment", and "prodigious" as Archie's cock.

Archie's hair is part of Archie.  The description is "Flame-red, Archie's hair is, to say the least, striking."  Understand "red", "flame", "flame-red", "orange", "bright-orange", "bright", "red-haired", "red-headed", "and head" as Archie's hair.

Archie's eyebrows are part of Archie.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "bushy", "brow", "brows", and "eyebrows" as Archie's eyebrows.  The description is "Bushy!"

Archie's mouth is part of Archie.  Understand "cheery", "grin", "lips", and "teeth" as Archie's mouth.  The description is "He has a goofy grin, like Festus, but better teeth."

Check taking Archie's cock:
	if the stiffycock is visible, instead try fucking Archie;
	say "Archie frowns.  'Aren't you a little overdressed?'".

Instead of asking Archie about "date":
	If the stiffycock is visible, instead try fucking Archie;
	say "Archie frowns.  'Aren't you a little overdressed?'".
	
Before asking Archie about "blow job", instead try asking Archie about "blowjob".

 Instead of asking Archie about "blowjob/blow":
	If the stiffycock is visible, instead try fucking Archie's mouth;
	say "Archie frowns.  'Aren't you a little overdressed?'".

Instead of showing the stiffycock to Archie:
	say "Archie smiles encouragingly.  'Nice.'"	

Instead of fucking or buggering Archie:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "You grasp Archie's face in your hands, bring him close, and kiss him passionately.  Reaching down, you free his Brobdignagian erection from its leather holster.  He gasps as you run your thumbnail along the underside of his glans.  'I've got an idea,' he moans.";
	consider the archie-fucking rule.
	
Instead of kissing Archie:
	if the stiffycock is visible, instead try fucking Archie;
	say "Archie kisses you passionately.  'Why don't you get more comfortable?' he suggests.".

Instead of sucking Archie:
	say "You slide to your knees and release Archie's enormous cock from its leather sheath.  He moans as you circle the glans with your tongue.  Experimentally, you try taking more and more of the gigantic shaft into your mouth.  After a few minutes, Archie gasps, 'Wait.'";
	consider the archie-fucking rule.

Instead of tasting Archie, try sucking Archie.  Instead of blowing Archie, try sucking Archie. 

Instead of fucking Archie's mouth:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "Archie drops to his knees in front of you.  He effortlessly deep-throats your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock] penis, expertly employing his tongue and just a hint of teeth.  You are moaning, thrusting into his mouth, perilously close to ejaculation, when he pulls his head away.  'I think you're ready now,' he smiles.";
	consider the archie-fucking rule.
	
Instead of rubbing Archie:
	say "Reaching down, you free his Brobdignagian erection from its leather holster.  He gasps as you run your thumbnail along the underside of his glans.  'I've got an idea,' he moans.";	
	consider the archie-fucking rule.
	
Instead of touching Archie, try rubbing Archie.  Instead of wanking off Archie, try rubbing Archie.

Table of Archie's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"himself/Archie/Andrews/Archibald/Archimedes" or "Archie Andrews"	"'Oh, I'm only working here to save up some money so I can take my girl out on a proper date!'"	"he considers this a strictly temporary job"	--
"girl/Betty/Veronica/Cheryl/Lodge/Cooper/Blossom" or "Veronica Lodge" or "Betty Cooper" 	"'I'm not sure whether I should go out with Betty or Veronica first.'"	"he is undecided between Betty and Veronica."	--
"Cheryl/Blossom" or "Cheryl Blossom"	"He looks startled.  'Have you been stalking me?'"	"he seemed surprised that you knew enough about him to ask about Cheryl"	--
"sand/reckoner/reckoning" or "sand reckoner"	"'There sure are a lot of sand grains.  It'd take a long time to count.'"	"he's less mathematically inclined than his namesake"	--
"catapult/catapults/mirror/mirrors/fire/greek" or "greek fire"	"'I'm a boy-toy, not a military engineer, you know.'"	"he's not the genius that his namesake was"	--
"prayer/commandment/12592"	"'What[italic type]ever[roman type].  I'll say [apostrophe]Hello, sailor[apostrophe] all I want.  Hello, sailor!'"	"he doesn't take the commandment very seriously"	--
"me/Stiffy/Makane" or "Stiffy Makane"	"'You're cute.'"	"he thinks you're cute"	--
"Syra"	"'Wow!'"	"he was impressed by Syra"	--

This is the archie-fucking rule:
	if the stiffycock is not visible
	begin;
		say "Archie hurriedly strips your toga from you and throws it to the floor.";
		now the toga is in the location;
	end if;
	say "Archie lies down flat on his back on the lionskin rug, his monstrous erection pointing at the ceiling.  Producing a small jar of oil from somewhere, he greases it up, and then carefully guides your anus onto its tip.  Supporting you with firm, manly hands beneath your buttocks, he slowly works the length of his cock into your ass, rotating you bit by bit clockwise as he does so.  As you complete your third revolution, he grins even wider and says, 'And that's why they call it the Screw of Archimedes.'[paragraph break]You both burst out laughing and he drops you the last three inches.  The pain and pleasure are both exquisite.  Somehow he then flips you onto your hands and knees, props himself behind you, and starts hammering away, working your throbbing cock with his right hand.[paragraph break]'My lever's big enough.  Just give me a place to stand and I'll [italic type]rock your world[roman type]!' he shouts as he shudderingly unloads his semen into your anus, as it clenches in rhythm to your own orgasm.[paragraph break][paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	say "Several hours later, you awaken alone on the lionskin rug.  You can see that the weather has cleared up while you were sleeping.";
	now the description of the syracuse_sky_scenery is "Partly cloudy.  The storm has passed.";
	now Archie is boinked;
	now Stiffy Makane is cleanish;
	remove Archie from play;
	record "Archie" as achieved;
	really have the parser notice the lionskin rug;
	rule succeeds.

Volume Seven - "Carthage"

Quackery is a recurring scene.  Quackery begins when the location is in Phoenicia.  Quackery ends when the location is not in Phoenicia.

Test diagnosis with "W / S / Remove Toga / Sit on table / show cock to doctor / get up / wear toga / n / e ".
Test madame with " n / n / e / e / ask madame about pumpkin / ask madame about syra / ask madame about secret / ask madame about fortune / ask madame about secret / w".
Test necropolis with "x gate / touch raven / touch vulture / touch crab / touch worm / n / search tombs / get weed / s/ s / s".
Test cure with "w / s / give weed / remove toga / sit on table / show cock to doctor / s / remove toga / sit on table / show cock to doctor / get up / wear toga / n / e".
Test Carthage with "test diagnosis / test madame / test necropolis / test cure"

Test min-carthage with "D / test diagnosis / n/n/e/e/ ask madame about fortune/ask madame about secret/w/test necropolis/w/s/give weed/remove toga/sit on table / show cock to doctor / e / e"

When Quackery begins:
	choose row with expected-port-name of "Syracuse" in the Table of Ports;
	now the port-name entry is "Syracuse";
	now the flavor-text entry is ", soon arriving in Syracuse.";
	now the disembarkation-location entry is Syracuse;
	choose row with expected-port-name of "Carthage" in the Table of Ports;
	now the flavor-text entry is ", steering you uneventfully to Carthage.";
	move the brothel_notice to Syracuse.
	
Every turn during Quackery:
	if the location is the Clinic for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Doctor Nick Riviera" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	if the location is the Fortune-teller's Tent for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Madame Sosostris" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	if the location is in Generic_Carthage, move the Carthaginians to the location;
	if the greenish pus is held by the player and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
	begin;
		if the Carthaginians are in the location, say "You notice a passer-by staring in horror at your pus-dripping penis.";
		if Madame Sosostris is in the location, say "Madame Sosostris shakes her head and says, 'You should see a doctor about that.  By the way, that wasn't a prophecy, just a diagnosis.'";
	end if.
	
Phoenicia is a region.  Generic_Carthage is a region in Phoenicia.  Clinic, Fortune-teller's Tent, and Cemetery are in Phoenicia.

Generic_Carthage is a region.  Carthage Docks, Harbor Ruins, Agora, and Industrial Wasteland are in Generic_Carthage.

Carthage_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in Generic_Carthage.  It is in the Cemetery.  The description is "Partly cloudy."

Book One - "Docklands"

Part One - "Carthage Docks"

Carthage Docks is a room.  The description is "Carthage has never been the same since the Third Punic War.  Although it has been a languishing colony for about eighty years, it's finally started to take off a bit.  It is being refashioned as a central hub for the shipment of African grain to Rome.  At the moment it's a bit of a cross between a burned-out ruin and a boomtown[28 as a footnote].  This is a particularly unlovely section of wharf.  An industrial district is off to the west.  A wide street leads off to the north towards the agora.  The [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] is anchored to the east."

Some Carthaginians are men in Carthage Docks.  They are ambiguously plural.   The printed name is "passers-by".  They are scenery.    The description of the carthaginians  is "Passers-by rush to and fro on inscrutable business of their own." Understand "carthaginian", "phoenicians", "phoenician", "man", "woman", "men", "people", "passer", "passers", "passerby", "passer-byes", "passers-by", and "women" as Carthaginians.  The default reply of the Carthaginians is "They pay you no attention."  Instead of attacking the Carthaginians, say "You know, having their city razed to the ground and the earth where it stood salted was probably punishment enough."  Instead of fucking the Carthaginians, say "You don't feel much like random rape of passers-by today."  The Carthaginians are unspeakable.

Instead of going east in Carthage:
	if the stiffycock is diseased, instead say "Not while you still have your dishonorable discharge.";
	follow the all-aboard-the-ass rule.

Part Two - "Industrial Wasteland"

Industrial Wasteland is west of Carthage Docks.  The description is "This is where the heavy industry of Carthage is located.  All around you are ship-builders[apostrophe] yards, huge pottery factories churning out thousands of amphorae, silos storing grain for shipment to Rome.  The docks are to the east.  To the south you see a sign over a door advertising a Greek doctor: the traditional symbol of the caduceus with a duck sitting atop it." 

iw_scenery is scenery in Industrial Wasteland. Understand "ship", "shipyard", "shipyards", "amphora", "amphorae", "factory", "pot", "pottery", "silo", "silos", "grain", and "ship-builders" as iw_scenery.  Instead of examining iw_scenery, try looking.

The quack_sign is scenery in Industrial Wasteland.  The printed name is "sign".  The description is "The caduceus is, of course, the traditional symbol of Asclepius, god of medicine[26 as a footnote].  The duck is just traditional among Greek doctors who minister to sailors and similar low-lives."  Understand "sign", "door", "duck", "caduceus", "quack", and "sitting" as the quack_sign.

Instead of going west in Industrial Wasteland, say "Your way is blocked by the locked gate of a particularly large amphora factory."

Instead of going north in Industrial Wasteland, say "You can't find an unguarded entrance to the shipyard.  Suspicious lot, these Carthaginians."

Harbor Ruins is north of Carthage Docks.  The description is "Burned-out ruins surround what once was Carthage's War Harbor.  So far, there is little sign of rebuilding here.  The agora is a bit farther north, and to the south is the mercantile harbor."

The scenery_harbor_ruins is scenery in Harbor Ruins.  Understand "harbor", "war", "ruins", "burned", "burned-out", "charred", "timber", "walls", "crumbled", "fallen", "stone", "stones", "black", "blackened", and "rubble" as the scenery_harbor_ruins.  The description is "The ruins are pretty depressing: charred, fallen timber, blackened stones, crumbled walls."  Check taking the scenery_harbor_ruins: instead say "There's no reason to disturb these ruins, and if you stirred up a ghost, you might get cursed."

Book Two - "Clinic"

Part One - "Clinic"

Every turn when the location is Clinic and Clinic is not warned_about:
	now Clinic is warned_about;
	if the player encloses the Golden Banana
	begin;
		if the location has been Zach's Mohelerie
		begin;
			say "Zach, of Zach's Mohelerie, is standing in the office.  He looks at you curiously, shakes his head rapidly from side to side, shrugs,";
		otherwise;
			say "A thin man, with wild gray hair, staring brown eyes, and a long beard,[run paragraph on]";
		end if;
		say " says to the doctor standing in the room, 'ThanksmanIappreciateyourhelpseeyousoonIguessgottagogotworktodo,' and then dashes out the door.";
	end if.

Clinic is south of Industrial Wasteland.  "This is a dilapidated doctor's office, reeking of strange unguents and incenses, presided over by a stone examination table.  The exit is to the north."  Instead of smelling in the clinic, say "There's a strange, sweet, skunky odor pervading the place."  Industrial Wasteland is outside from Clinic.

The scenery_unguents are scenery in the clinic.  Understand "strange", "sweet", "skunky", "odor", "unguent", "unguents", "incense", "stink", "burning", "smudge-pot", and "incenses" as scenery_unguents.  Instead of doing anything with the scenery_unguents, try smelling.

The examination table is a supporter in the clinic.  It is scenery.  The description is "It's a plain stone examination table."  Understand "table", "slab", "plain", "exam", and "stone" as examination table.  It is enterable.

Part Two - "Dr. Nick"

A shabby Greek doctor is a man in the Clinic.  The description is "The doctor is a skinny man with a goatee and a white tunic.  He's kind of twitchy and nervous."  Understand "shabby", "Nick", "Doctor", "Nikolos", "Dr", "white", "tunic", "goatee", "twitchy", "nervous", "doc", and "skinny" as the shabby Greek doctor.  The conversation of the shabby Greek doctor is the Table of Nikolos's Chatter.  The default reply of the shabby Greek doctor is "The doctor shrugs noncommitally."  Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "himself/Nikolos/Nick/Doctor/Dr", instead try asking the shabby Greek doctor about "#fake1".  Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "Doctor Nick", instead try asking the shabby Greek doctor about "#fake1".  Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "Doctor Nikolos", instead try asking the shabby Greek doctor about "#fake1".  Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "Dr Nick",  instead try asking the shabby Greek doctor about "#fake1".  Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "Dr Nikolos", instead try asking the shabby Greek doctor about "#fake1" .  The indefinite article of the shabby Greek doctor is "a".

Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "#fake1":
	now the shabby Greek doctor is handled;
	now the printed name of the shabby Greek doctor is "Nikolos";
	now the indefinite article of the shabby Greek doctor is "Doctor";
	now the shabby Greek doctor is proper-named.
	
Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "rod/prick/wang/dick/schween/passer/sparrow/schlong/pecker/genitals/penis/cock/pus/greenish/green/clap/gonorrhea/disease/std/drip/burning/discharge/drips/drippy", replace the topic understood with "me".

Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "greenish pus", instead try asking the shabby Greek doctor about "me".
Before asking the shabby Greek doctor about "green pus", instead try asking the shabby Greek doctor about "me".

Instead of burning the weed in the Clinic:
	if the shabby Greek doctor is warned_about
	begin;
		say "As you attempt to light the weed from a burning smudge-pot of incense, the doctor grabs it from your hands.";
		try giving the weed to the shabby Greek doctor;
	otherwise;
		say "The doctor smacks your hand as you try to light the weed from a burning smudge-pot of incense.  'What gives?  Are you trying to entrap me, narc?'";
	end if.

Instead of showing the greenish pus to the shabby Greek doctor:
	if the greenish pus is visible
	begin;
		instead try showing the stiffycock to the shabby Greek doctor;
	end if.

Instead of showing the stiffycock to the shabby Greek doctor:
	If the player is not on the examination table
	begin;
		say "'I won't look until you're on the table,' sniffs the doctor.  'It wouldn't be professional.'";
	otherwise;
		if the stiffycock is not diseased
		begin;
			if the shabby Greek doctor is not boinked
			begin;
				say "The doctor examines your cock closely.  He rolls it back and forth between his palms, stares at it closely, and runs his thumbnail along your urethra.  [if the stiffycock is lit]He seems fascinated by the [stiffycolor of the stiffycock] glow.[end if][line break]He peels back the foreskin and vigorously rubs your glans with both thumbs.  With a soft groan, you ejaculate right into his eyes.[paragraph break]'Augh!' shrieks the doctor, staggering back.  'You asshole!'  As he regains his composure, dabbing at his reddened orbs with the sleeve of his tunic, he grumbles, '[if the shabby Greek doctor is not handled]After that intimacy, I feel I should introduce myself: my name is Nikolos.  [end if]You appear to be all cured.'";
				if the shabby Greek doctor is not handled
				begin;
					now the shabby Greek doctor is handled;
					now the printed name of the shabby Greek doctor is "Nikolos";	
					now the indefinite article of the shabby Greek doctor is "Doctor";
					now the shabby Greek doctor is proper-named;
				end if;
				record "Dr. Nick" as achieved;
				now the shabby Greek doctor is boinked;
			otherwise;
				say "'I'm not falling for that one again,' snarls Dr. Nick.";
			end if;
		otherwise;
			if the weed is not held by the shabby Greek doctor
			begin;
				if the shabby Greek doctor is not warned_about
				begin;
					say "The doctor looks[if the stiffycock is lit] with some interest at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock, and then with much less excitement[otherwise] tiredly[end if] at the greenish pus dripping from your cock.  'The clap,' he announces.  'As if you didn't know.  All right.  So here's what we're going to do.  Gonorrhea is indicative of a hot, wet humor, obviously, since it's both dripping and burning.  So cold and dry would naturally be the treatment for it.  However,' he glances at you, 'it's self-evident that you are in no way suited to cold humors, and so such a treatment would be ineffectual.  Therefore, we must try to burn it out....no, not literally,' he sighs, rolling his eyes at your flinch.  'We must treat it with a hot dry remedy.  To the north of town there is a necropolis.  Poke around the tombs: on or near some graves you will find a certain weed, tall, with leaves shaped like a hand.  It smells sort of skunk-like.  Bring me that weed, and I will treat your discharge.'";
					now the shabby Greek doctor is warned_about;
				otherwise;
					say "'Yes, I've seen it,' says the doctor.  'Bring me the weed I asked for, and I'll put together a treatment.'";
				end if;
			otherwise;
				say "The doctor nods as you gingerly present your cock.  'OK,' he says, 'hold this,' handing you a sputtering tallow candle giving off thick black smoke with a hint of sandalwood.  He plucks the buds from the weed you gave him and crumbles them into a small clay pipe.  He then takes the candle back and lights the pipe from it and sucks in a lungful of smoke, which he holds for a long time, and then finally coughs out, sputtering.  He grins at you encouragingly.  'Doing fine!' he croaks, and takes another huge hit.  After a while he releases that cloud of smoke too and takes the candle back.[paragraph break]'Trippy,' he mutters, staring into the flame.  'Uh, anyway, O Asclepius, we beseech thee, cure this guy's clap, please.'  He repeats his smoke-breathing ritual, splutters out thick blue sweet-smelling fumes, and hands both the candle and the pipe to you.  'Take a toke,' he wheezes.  'You're gonna want it.'[paragraph break]It's hard to actually get the pipe re-lit from the drippy candle, but you eventually persevere and manage to get a lungful of hot smoke[27 as a footnote].  While distracted with the pipe, however, you fail to notice that the doctor has grabbed a large leather mallet.  As you struggle not to choke on the harsh smoke, he smacks the mallet hard onto your cock, which is stretched out on the examination table.  A huge glob of bloody pus squirts from it.  You shriek in agony, smoke erupting from your mouth and nose, and black out.[paragraph break]";
				remove the weed from play;
				remove the greenish pus from play;
				Let N be 0;
				if the toga is held or the toga is in the location			
				begin;
					now N is 1;
				end if;
				move the player to the Industrial Wasteland;
				if N is 1
				begin;
					now the toga is worn by the player;
					remove the stiffycock from play;
					really have the parser notice the toga;
				end if;
				say "You come to, some time later, outside the clinic[if N is 1].  Apparently the doctor put your toga back on while you were unconscious[end if].";
				now the stiffycock is healthy;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Instead of giving the weed to the shabby Greek doctor:
	if the shabby Greek doctor is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "The doctor looks at you suspiciously.  'I haven't asked for this...[italic type]yet[roman type].  What gives?  Are you a narc?  I've never seen that weed before in my life.'";
	otherwise;
		say "The doctor clasps the weed eagerly.  'Perfect!' he chortles.  'Present yourself for inspection.'";
		now the weed is held by the doctor;
	end if.

Instead of giving the stiffycock to the shabby Greek doctor:
	if the stiffycock is diseased, instead try showing the stiffycock to the shabby Greek doctor;
	if the shabby Greek doctor is boinked 
	begin;
		say "The doctor frowns at you.  'You already came in my eyes.  That's enough for me, thanks.'";
	otherwise;
		say "'That would be unprofessional,' sniffs the doctor.";
	end if.
	
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off the shabby Greek doctor:
	If the stiffycock is diseased
	begin;
		if the shabby Greek doctor is not warned_about
		begin;
			if the stiffycock is not visible
			begin;
				say "The doctor brusquely rebuffs your advances, citing professionalism.";
			otherwise;
				say "The doctor stares at you.  'You want to get it on with me while your schlong is dripping green pus?  You're crazy!'";
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say  "The doctor stares at you.  'We both know you have the clap.  You're crazy!'";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		if the doctor is not boinked
		begin;
			say "'That would be unprofessional,' sniffs the doctor.";
		otherwise;
			say "The doctor frowns at you.  'You already came in my eyes.  That's enough for me, thanks.'";
		end if;
	end if.		

	
Instead of giving something to the doctor:
	say "The doctor waves [the noun] away with irritation.";
				

Table of Nikolos's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"#fake1"	"'Hi, everybody!  I'm Doctor Nick!'"	"his name is Doctor Nick"	--
"me/myself/Makane/Lucius/Macanus" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula"	"'Are you sick?  [if the stiffycock is not visible]Strip down.   [end if][if the player is not on the examination table]Get on the table and [end if]I'll take a look if you'll show me what's wrong.'"	"he'll examine you if you get undressed and on the table and then show him what's wrong"	--
"weed/pot/cannabis/herb/bud/plant/kind/420/schwag/marijuana/medicine/medicinal/special" or "pot plant"	"'It is a curative herb of great potency.'"	"he says the weed is a very powerful medicinal plant"	--
"Syra"	"'Now there was an interesting medical history.  Every venereal disease in the book...and a hell of a lay, too!'"	"Syra was both exceptionally talented and exceptionally diseased"	--
"Phlebas/sailor" or "Phoenician sailor"	"'He's been in here a couple times for the clap.  Typical sailor.'"	"Phlebas has been treated for the clap a couple times"	--
"Sosostris/clairvoyante/madame/medium/fortune-teller/fortuneteller" or "Madame Sosostris"	"The doctor purses his lips.  'I hear she's an excellent fortune-teller.  She's certainly a heavy drinker.'"	"Madame Sosostris likes to drink"	--
"Carthage"	"'Kind of a shit-hole, frankly.'"		"he's not too wild about Carthage"	--
"Zach/Zack/Zak/Zachary/Zacharaias/mohel"	"'He comes all the way from Judea for my special medicines.'"	"Zach buys medicines from the doctor"	--

Book Three - "Agora"

Part One - "Scenery"

The Agora is north of Harbor Ruins.  The description is "The Agora is by no means a thriving commercial center, although a large tent pitched on its eastern edge appears brightly gaudy and out-of-place.  Gutted remnants of amphora kilns are off to the east, and the necropolis gates stand to the north."

The scenery_kilns are scenery in the Agora.  Understand "amphora", "smashed", "broken", "kiln", "kilns", "remnants", "gutted", and "ruins" as the scenery_kilns.  The description is "Once these kilns were used to fashion amphorae for shipping goods--oil and grain, mostly--for transit.  Now they lie smashed and broken."

The scenery_tent is scenery in the Agora.  The printed name is "tent".  The description is "A gaudy red tent squats on the eastern edge of the Agora.  A sign on its front reads 'Madame Sosostris - Famed Clairvoyante - Fortunes Told - Secrets Revealed.'"  Understand "tent", "gaudy", "red", "sign", "madame", "sosostris", "famed", and "clairvoyante" as the scenery_tent.  The scenery_tent can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_tent, try going east.

Instead of going inside in the Agora, try going east.

Before going east in the Agora for the first time:
	say "As you approach the tent, a sailor staggers out.  He is, you think, quite tall and handsome.  'Dude,' he gasps, clapping you on the shoulder.  'That's pretty fucked-up right there.  Seriously: OK, so Phlebas the Phoenician is one sexy guy, but ... the hell?  Do I look like a [italic type]fertility god[roman type] to you?  And, seriously, a [italic type]pumpkin[roman type]?  What the fuck?'  Before you can react (truth be told, he [italic type]is[roman type] pretty sexy, though not divinely so), he weaves off into the crowd and is gone.  Strange.[paragraph break][italic type]Pumpkin[roman type]?";
	stop the action;
	
Part Two - "Necropolis Gate"

The necropolis gate is a door.  It is north of the Agora and south of the Cemetery.  It is scenery.  It is ambiguously plural.  Understand "heavy", "black", "iron", "wrought-iron", and "gates" as the necropolis gate.  It is openable.  It is lockable.  It is closed.  It is locked.  The matching key of the necropolis gate is nothing.  The description is "The necropolis gate is a heavy, black, wrought-iron affair.  In the center is a death's head; around the skull are depicted a raven, a vulture, a worm, and a crab."  The necropolis gate has a thing called a guardian.  The guardian of the necropolis gate is usually Brandon Van Every.  

The raven is a part of the necropolis gate.  The description is "A raven, looming as if above a battlefield".  Understand "looming" as the raven.
The worm is a part of the necropolis gate.  The description is "A hungry worm, feasting on the flesh of the dead."  Understand "hungry" and "feasting" as the worm.
The crab is a part of the necropolis gate.  The description is "A scuttling crab, picking meat from a drowned sailor's bones."  Understand "scuttling" as the crab.
The vulture is a part of the necropolis gate.  The description is "A vulture, circling above a soon-to-be corpse."  Understand "circling" as the vulture.
The death's head is a part of the necropolis gate.  The description is "A huge iron skull is the centerpiece of the gate.  It grins toothily."  Understand "huge", "skull", "toothy", "toothily", "tooth", and "death" as the death's head.
Brandon Van Every is a thing.  [ Go on.  Deny it. ]

Before touching, rubbing, pushing, pulling, or turning something:
	if the noun is the guardian of the necropolis gate and the necropolis gate is locked
	begin;
		say "[The guardian of the necropolis gate] depresses slighly, with a click.  In eerie silence, the gate swings wide.";
		now the necropolis gate is open;
		now the necropolis gate is unlocked;
		really have the parser notice the necropolis gate;
		stop the action;
	end if.
	
Before closing the necropolis gate:
	if the gate is open
	begin;
		say "The gate refuses to budge.";
		stop the action;
	end if.

Table of Guardians
tomb guard
raven
worm
crab
vulture


Book Four - "Tent"

Part One - "Tent" 

The Fortune-teller's Tent is east of the Agora.  The description is "Silks and gauze drape the surfaces in this tent.  A small table, surmounted by a crystal ball, is the focus of the room."
	
The small table is scenery in the fortune-teller's tent.  The description is "A small, silk-draped table, surmounted by a crystal ball, adorned with a messy pile of face-down tarot cards, is at the center of the room."  Understand "silk" and "gauze" as the small table.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the small table, say "Madame Sosostris freezes you with a withering glance."


Some tarot cards are scenery in the fortune-teller's tent.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "A bunch of cards, for divination, lie in a messy heap on the table."  Understand "heap", "messy", "divination", "pack", "wicked", "deck", and "bunch" as the tarot cards.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the tarot cards, say "Madame Sosostris freezes you with a withering glance."

The crystal ball is scenery in the fortune-teller's tent.  The description is "Strange shapes seem to swirl inside the crystal ball."  Understand "strange" and "shapes" as crystal ball.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the crystal ball, say "Madame Sosostris freezes you with a withering glance."

The Agora is outside from the Fortune-teller's Tent.

Part Two - "Madame Sosostris"

Madame Sosostris is a woman in the fortune-teller's tent.  The description is "Madame Sosostris is a blowzy woman of a certain age.  She regards you from behind heavily-blued eyelids."  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Madame Sosostris: no.  Understand "clairvoyante", "famous", "medium", "famed", "blowzy", "fortune-teller", "fortuneteller", "shaky", "drunk", "drunken", "Auntie", "Mame", "Aunt", "Sybil" and "Fawlty" as Madame Sosostris.  The conversation of Madame Sosostris is the Table of Madame's Chatter.  The default reply of Madame Sosostris is "Madame Sosostris merely gives you a portentious look, and intones 'One fortune and one secret are all you get, dear.  Don't be greedy.'" Instead of buggering, sucking, touching, tasting, wanking off, blowing, or rubbing Madame Sosostris, try fucking Madame Sosostris.  Madame Sosostris has a horniness.  Madame Sosostris is unaroused.  Madame Sosostris has a virginity.  Madame Sosostris is unboinked.  [We will use this for something a bit different -- see Sweeny]  Instead of fucking Madame Sosostris when the location is the Fortune-teller's tent, say "Good heavens.  What a repulsive idea.".  instead of fucking Madame Sosostris, say "[default reply of Madame Sosostris][paragraph break]".

The eyelids are part of Madame Sosostris.  Understand "blue", "blued", "heavily", and "heavily-blued" as the eyelids.  The description is "Her eyelids are an unnerving shade of blue."

This is the madame-topic-swapping rule:
	if the topic understood matches "fortune/priapus/me/Mentula/Macanus/Stiffy/Makane/future/eris/banana/golden/discord/gold", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "my fortune", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "golden banana", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "golden banana of discord", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "Stiffy Makane", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "Mentula Macanus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "secrets", replace the topic understood with "secret";
	if the topic understood matches "syra", replace the topic understood with "#fake2";
	if the topic understood matches "#fake1"
	begin;
		if Madame Sosostris is unboinked, now Madame Sosostris is boinked;
		rule succeeds;
	otherwise;
	if the topic understood matches "secret"
		begin;
			if Madame Sosostris is unboinked
			begin;
				say "'No, dearie.  Fortune first, [italic type]then[roman type] secret,' admonishes Madame Sosostris.";
				rule fails; 
			otherwise;	
				if the guardian of the necropolis gate is Brandon Van Every
				begin;
					choose a random row in the Table of Guardians;
					now the guardian of the necropolis gate is the tomb guard entry;
				end if;
				rule succeeds;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			if the topic understood does not match "#fake2"
			begin;
				replace the topic understood with "ass potato";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	rule succeeds;

Before asking Madame Sosostris about something:
	if the location is the fortune-teller's tent:
		consider the madame-topic-swapping rule;
		if rule failed, stop the action.

Table of Madame's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"#fake1"	"Madame Sosostris gazes into the crystal ball and frowns in the dim light.  She solemnly reaches towards the scattered tarot deck and begins to turn up cards.  'Here is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor.  (Those are pearls that were his eyes.  Look!)  Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks, the Lady of situations.  Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel, and here is the one-eyed merchant and this card, which is blank, is something he carries on his back, which I am forbidden to see.  I do not find the Hanged Man.  Fear death by water[61 as a reference].'"	"'fear death by water' was your fortune"		a number
"secret"	"Madame Sosostris stares into the crystal ball for a while.  '[The guardian of the necropolis gate] holds power over life and death.'"	"[the guardian of the necropolis gate] holds power over life and death."	--
"#fake2"	"Madame Sosostris blushes, but remains silent."	"she apparently knows something about Syra."	--


Book Five - "Necropolis"

The Cemetery is a room.  The printed name is "Necropolis".  The description is "The historic necropolis of Carthage was, shall we say, greatly expanded after the Third Punic War.  It now stretches as far as you can see to the north, west, and east.  To the south, the gate leads back to the agora."  

Instead of going north in the Cemetery, try going east.  Instead of going west in the Cemetery, try going east.  Instead of going east in the Cemetery, say "You wander aimlessly for a while among the tombstones."

Some tombs are scenery in the Cemetery.  Understand "mausoleum", "mausoleums", "grave", "grass", "weeds", "weed", "graves", "tombstone", and "tombstones" as the tombs.  The description is "Thousands of tombs stretch as far as you can see, obscured by grass and weeds."  Instead of attacking or opening the tombs, say "It would not be wise for a Roman to disturb the tombs of the Phoenician dead."  The tombs have a number called times_searched.  Times_searched of the tombs is 0.

Before examining the tombs:
	if the shabby Greek doctor is warned_about and the times_searched of the tombs is less than five
	begin;
		increase the times_searched of the tombs by 1;
		if the times_searched of the tombs is 2
		begin;
			say "A cursory examination (as opposed to a thorough search) of the tombs yields nothing more.";
			stop the action;
		end if;
		if the times_searched of the tombs is 3
		begin;
			now the times_searched of the tombs is 5;
			try searching the tombs;
			stop the action;
		end if;
	end if.

The weed is a thing.  The initial appearance of the weed is "A tall weed sways beside an unremarkable tomb."  The description is "It's a weed with palm-shaped leaves with jagged edges."  Understand "palm-shaped", "jagged", "leaf", "leaves", "bud", "kind", "sawdust", "420", "schwag", "dope", "doobie", "cannabis", "pot", "plant", "herb", "reefer", "toke", "marijuana", "mary", "jane", "skunk", "skunky", "skunkweed", "sativa", "indica", "flower", "flowers", "sticky" as weed.  Instead of smelling the weed, say "It smells pretty skunky."  Instead of rubbing or touching the weed, say "Sticky."  Instead of eating the weed, say "The merest taste convinces you that it tastes of wet sawdust and skunk.  Ugh."  Instead of tasting the weed, try eating the weed.  Instead of burning the weed, say "I'm not going to say that this dangerous act would accomplish little, but the facts remain that a) you're using meta-game knowledge, and b) you don't have a source of fire anyway."  Does the player mean doing something with the weed: it is likely.
Instead of rolling the weed:
	if the player encloses the ragged papyrus or the player encloses the jagged papyrus or the player encloses the clean piece of papyrus, say "You suspect that you have better uses for your papyrus than rolling papers.";
	say "You don't have any rolling papers."

Before searching the tombs:
	if the location of the weed is not a room and the stiffycock is diseased and the shabby Greek doctor is warned_about
	begin;
		say "You carefully search the tombs for a time, and after a while, you find a plant that seems to match the doctor's description: tall, weedy, with jagged palmate leaves.";
		move the weed to the cemetery;
		really have the parser notice the weed;
		stop the action;
	end if.

Volume Eight - "Cumae"

Sybilitic Pleasure is a recurring scene.  Sybilitic Pleasure begins when the location is in Campania.  Sybilitic Pleasure ends when the location is not in Campania.

Campania is a region.  Cumae, Lake Avernus, Cocceio's Cave, and the Sybilline Grotto are in Campania.

The Cumean_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in Cumae.  It is in Lake Avernus.  The description is "High, scudding clouds race across the pale gray sky."  Understand "gray", "pale", "sky", "high", "scudding", "cloud", and "clouds" as the Cumean_sky_scenery.

Test Cumae with "d/e/e/d/d/d/d/s/ask sybil about me/ask sybil about herself/n/w/w/w"

Book One - "Cumae"

Cumae is a room.  "Cumae is a small but thriving port city, with much to offer the merchant, but not very much of interest to you.  The docks, and [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type], are at the western edge of the town.  The Sybil's cave is on the shore of Lake Avernus, which is off to the east.  In previous years, this would have required a short hike over a ridge, but now one can proceed through the recently-excavated 'Cocceio's Cave' right through the hill to the lake shore."

Instead of going west in Cumae, follow the all-aboard-the-ass rule.

Cumaeans are some men in Cumae.  They are ambiguously plural.  They are scenery.  The description of the Cumaeans  is "Passers-by rush to and fro on inscrutable business of their own." Understand "cumean", "cumaeans", "cumaean", "cumeans", "man", "woman", "men", "people", "passer", "passers", "passerby", "passer-byes", "passers-by", and "women" as Cumaeans.  The default reply of the Cumaeans is "They pay you no attention."  Instead of attacking the Cumaeans, say "They haven't actually done even the least little thing to offend you."  Instead of fucking the Cumaeans, say "You don't feel much like random rape of passers-by today."  The Cumaeans are unspeakable.

The scenery_cocceio is a backdrop in Cumae.  The printed name is "cave".  It is in Lake Avernus.  The description is "The artificial cave stretches to the [if the location is Cumae]east[otherwise]west[end if].".  Understand "cave", "artificial", "Cocceio", and "Cocceio's" as the scenery_cocceio.  The scenery_cocceio can be enterable.  It is enterable.

Instead of entering the scenery_cocceio:
	if the location is Cumae
	begin;
		try going east;
	otherwise;
		try going west;
	end if.

Book Two - "Cocceio's Cave"

Cocceio's Cave is east of Cumae.  "Cocceio's Cave runs arrow-straight from the town of Cumae, to the west, to the shore of Lake Avernus, to the east.  It is a kilometer long and wide enough for two wagons to pass one another.  It has recently been excavated on Caesar's orders[30 as a footnote], but it also makes for a very convenient road for petitioners seeking the Sybil.  Regularly spaced torches light your way."

The scenery_torches are scenery in Cocceio's Cave.  The printed name is "torches".  The description is "Sputtering torches in iron sconces light the passage."  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "sputtering", "smoky", "smoke", "iron", "sconce", "sconces", "torch", "torches", "lit", "lighted", "burning", "regular", "regularly", "spaced", and "light" as the scenery_torches.  Instead of taking the scenery_torches, say "That would be quite antisocial."  Instead of burning the scenery_torches, say "It's a little late for that."  Instead of touching, rubbing, squeezing, pushing, or pulling the scenery_torches, say "The torch is sputtering and smoky, and you don't want to get that close to it."

The scenery_passage is scenery in Cocceio's Cave.  The printed name is "Cocceio's Cave".  The description is "The cave is really a very impressive feat of engineering, carved from the tufa that makes up this part of Campania."  Understand "Cocceio's", "Cave", "Passage", "Cavern", "tufa", and "tunnel" as the scenery_passage.

Book Three - "Lake Avernus"

Lake Avernus is east of Cocceio's Cave.  The description is "Lake Avernus stretches before you, a round lake a few hundred yards across surrounded by a low rim.   Cocceio's Cave runs back to the west through the hillside.  To the south is the trapezoidal mouth of the Sybil's Grotto, and at your feet opens the gently smoking pit that leads to Hades."

Instead of going down in Lake Avernus for the first time, say "A ghostly voice inside your head mutters:[line break][italic type]facilis descensus Averno;[line break]noctes atque dies patet atri ianua Ditis;[line break]sed revocare gradum superasque evadere ad auras,[line break]hoc opus, hic labor est[roman type][63 as a reference].[paragraph break]This unnerves you enough that you choose not to descend."

Instead of going down in Lake Avernus for the second time, say "Suicide is not the answer[64 as a reference]."

Instead of going down in Lake Avernus for the third time, say "Can't do that...yet[65 as a reference]!"

Instead of going down in Lake Avernus, say "You decide, after all, not to enter the Land of the Dead with your mission, as yet, unfulfilled."

Instead of smelling in Lake Avernus, try smelling the scenery_pit.

Instead of going inside in Lake Avernus, say "There are three candidates: Cocceio's Cave, to the west, the Sybil's Grotto to the south, and the pit to Hades, down."

The scenery_pit is scenery in Lake Avernus.  The printed name is "abyssal pit".  The description is "Mephitic vapors waft from the rather wide and gently-graded pit that leads to Hades."  Understand "abyss", "abyssal", "mephitic", "vapor", "vapors", "waft", "wafting", "wide", "gentle", "gently", "smoke", "smoking", "pit", "hades", "hell", "stench", "sulfurous", "sulfur", "sulphur", "sulphurous", "rot", "rotten", "rotting", "egg", "eggs", and "brimstone" as the scenery_pit.  Instead of smelling the scenery_pit, say "The gases smell of rotten eggs."  The scenery_pit can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_pit, try going down.

The scenery_lake_avernus is scenery in Lake Avernus.  It is proper-named.  The printed name is "Lake Avernus".  The description is "The lake is dark and deep, and looks very cold."  Instead of jumping into the scenery_lake_avernus, say "It's too cold to go swimming."  Instead of diving into the scenery_lake_avernus, try jumping into the scenery_lake_avernus.  Instead of swimming in Lake Avernus, try diving into the scenery_lake_avernus.  Instead of swimming around in scenery_lake_avernus, try diving into the scenery_lake_avernus.  Instead of going east in Lake Avernus, try diving into the scenery_lake_avernus.  Understand "round", "lake", "avernus", and "averno" as the scenery_lake_avernus.

The scenery_grotto is scenery in Lake Avernus.  The printed name is "grotto".  The description is "A trapezoidal passage leads into the hillside to the south."  Understand "grotto", "cave", "mouth", "trapezoid", "trapezoidal", "hill", "hillside", "stone", "tufa", and "passage" as the scenery_grotto.  The scenery_grotto can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_grotto, try going south.

Book Four - "Sybilline Grotto"

Part One - "Cave"

The Sybilline Grotto is south of Lake Avernus.  The description is "Deep within the cave of a hundred mouths, there finally is found the Sybil's grotto.  The surface world lies back to the north."  Instead of going up in the Sybilline Grotto, try going north.  Instead of going east in the Sybilline Grotto, try going north.  Lake Avernus is outside from the Sybilline Grotto.

The scenery_grotto_2 is scenery in the Sybilline Grotto.  The printed name is "cave".  The description is "A trapezoidal cave, hacked from the tufa, punctuated with many entrances along its eastern side, runs from its primary entrance to the north far into the hillside to the south."  Understand "cave", "grotto", "east", "eastern", "hundred", "mouth", "mouths", "trapezoid", "trapezoidal", "tufa", "hacked", "entrance", and "entrances" as the scenery_grotto_2.

Part Two - "Sybil"

The Cumaean Sybil is a woman in the Sybilline Grotto.  The indefinite article is "the".  The description is "Hanging in a bottle, like a cat[66 as a reference][67 as a reference], is the wizened, shrunken form of the Cumaean Sybil."  The conversation of the Cumaean Sybil is the Table of Cumaean Chatter.  The default reply of the Cumaean Sybil is "No sound issues from the bottle."  Understand "cumean",  "cat", "dimly", "wizened", "shrunken", "form", "prophetess", "prophet", "seer", "fortune-teller", and "oracle" as the Cumaean Sybil.

The hanging_bottle is scenery in the Sybilline Grotto.   The printed name is "hanging bottle".  The indefinite article is "the".  The description is "The bottle is made of smoked glass.  It is perhaps three feet tall, but with a narrow neck, and it hangs from the ceiling.  The shrunken form of the Sybil is dimly visible through it." Understand "hanging", "bottle", "three", "feet", "smooth", "heavy", "cold", "flavorless", "chain", "chained", "large", "big", "smoked", "glass", "ceiling", "cage", and "ampulla" as the hanging_bottle.  Instead of attacking the hanging_bottle, try attacking the Cumaean Sybil.  Instead of touching, rubbing, pushing, or pulling the hanging_bottle, say "It is smooth, cold glass, and surprisingly heavy."  Instead of kissing the hanging_bottle, say "You osculate cold glass.  The Sybil doesn't seem to care."  Instead of tasting the hanging_bottle, say "Cold and flavorless, like you'd expect from a glass bottle."  Instead of blowing the hanging_bottle, say "The neck is too high off the ground."  Instead of taking the hanging_bottle, say "It is big, and chained to the ceiling; you can't."

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off the Cumaean Sybil:
	say "Fortunately for all concerned, the neck of the bottle is too narrow.".  Instead of attacking the Cumaean Sybil, say "Violence really, [italic type]really[roman type] isn't the answer to this one."

To say Sybil's lament:
	if Unicode compliance is 1
	begin;
		say "'[Greek-lament]";
	otherwise;
		say "The Sybil mutters in Greek, 'I want to die";
	end if;

Table of Cumaean Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"me/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Lucius/Mentula/Eris/banana/Golden/discordia/Kallisti/future/prophecy" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula" or "Stiffy Makane" or "Macanus Mentula" or "Golden Banana"	"'To seize the Golden Banana is a mighty deed, but the Son of Aeneas must look to the Son of Abraham to release it from its sheath.'"	"you will need the help of a Jew to unsheath the Golden Banana"	--
"herself/Sybil/Cumean/Cumaean" or "Cumaean Sybil" or "Cumean Sybil"	"[Sybil's lament][68 as a reference][69 as a reference].'"	"she wants to die"	--
"Apollo"	"'I really should have asked for eternal youth too.  Especially after that whole Tithonus thing.'"	"Apollo granted her eternal life, but not eternal youth."	--
"Tithonus/grasshopper/cricket"	"'Well, at least I'm not a grasshopper.'"	"grim as her situation is, she came off better than Tithonus"	--
"Syra"		"'Big-nosed greasy slut.'"	"She had some harsh words about Syra."	--

Volume Nine - "Judaea"

Judaea is a region.  Jaffa, Jonah's Museum, Fake Whale Interior, Gift Shop, Jerusalem, Jerusalem_Alley, Temple Courtyard, Judaean Brothel, and Zach's Mohelerie are in Judaea.

Stiffy In The Holy Land is a recurring scene.  Stiffy In The Holy Land begins when the location is in Judaea.  Stiffy in the Holy Land ends when the location is not in Judaea.  

Test Judaea1 with "d/e/n/s/remove toga/fuck rachel/wear toga/get coin/x rachel/get mezuzah/n/e/give coin/w/w/s/s/buy disguise/get disguise/n/n/w".

Test min-jud1 with "d/e/n/s/remove toga/fuck rachel/wear toga/get coin/ get mezuzah/n/e/give coin/w/w/s/s/buy disguise/get disguise/n/n/w".

Test Judaea2 with "e/s/put banana on block/get banana/n/w/w".

The Judaean_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in Jaffa.  It is in Jerusalem and the Jerusalem_Alley.  The description is "A blinding sun stabs down from a pitiless azure sky."  Understand "blue", "azure", "sky", "sun", "blinding", "pitiless", and "cloudlesss" as the Judaean_sky_scenery.

Judaeans are some men in Jaffa.  They are ambiguously plural.  They are scenery.  The description of the Judaeans  is "Big-nosed and strangely stiff-necked people hustle and bustle past, engaged in business of their own." Understand "Judean", "Judeans", "Judaean", "Judaeans", "Jew", "Jews", "Hebrew", "Hebrews", "man", "woman", "men", "people", "passer", "passers", "passerby", "passer-byes", "passers-by", "hustle", "hustling", "bustle", "bustling", "nose", "big", "nosed", "stiff", "neck", "stiff-necked", "necked", "big-nosed", and "women" as Judaeans.  The default reply of the Judaeans is "'Meshuggah goy!' hisses a Judaean, avoiding you." The Judaeans are unspeakable.

Instead of attacking or fucking the Judaeans for the first time, say "A rumble of thunder freezes you in your tracks."
Instead of attacking or fucking the Judaeans:
	say "A huge voice mutters '[bold type]PUTZ.[roman type]'  A bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky reduces you to a greasy pile of ash.";
	end the story saying "You have been incinerated by divine lightning"
	
Every turn during Stiffy In The Holy Land:
	if the location is the Judaean Brothel for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Rachel" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	if the location is Jaffa, move the Judaeans to Jaffa;
	if the location is Jerusalem, move the Judaeans to Jerusalem;
	if the Judaeans are in the location and the stiffycock is visible and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
	begin;
		if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
		begin;
			say "Women shield their children's eyes from the sight of your glowing, uncircumcised penis.  They themselves sneak sidelong glances when they think you're not watching.";
		otherwise;
			say "Men in prayer shawls stare in undisguised horror at your uncircumcised [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock.";
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy In The Holy Land:
	if Rachel is in the location and Rachel is not boinked
	begin;
		if the stiffycock is visible and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
		begin;
			say "Rachel eyes your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock hungrily.  She recovers her composure.  [dirty request]";
		otherwise;
			say "[dirty request]";
		end if;
	end if.

Book One - "Jaffa"

Part One - "Jaffa Port"

Jaffa is a room.  "Jaffa is an unassuming port town, filled with shouting, shoving people engrossed in their own affairs.  The [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] bobs up and down at the end of a dock to the west.  A small museum dedicated to Jonah is south, but the most interesting thing about Jaffa is that the road to Jerusalem heads off to the east."

Instead of going west in Jaffa, follow the all-aboard-the-ass rule.

Before going east in Jaffa, say "The journey to Jerusalem is long but thankfully uneventful."

Part Two - "Jonah's Museum"

Jonah's Museum is a room.  It is south of Jaffa.  The description of Jonah's Museum is "As museums go, this is an exceptionally lame one  It consists of a sad paper-mache whale resting against the west wall, built on a framework of wire, with a wide-open mouth large enough to enter, a dummy of a man with a huge beard wearing a tallis, and a map showing Jaffa and Nineveh, with 'Tarshish' written next to a big question mark.  There's a gift shop to the south, but it doesn't look much better."  Jonah's Museum is outside from Fake Whale Interior.

The scenery_Jonah is scenery in Jonah's Museum.  The scenery_Jonah can be male.  The description is "Presumably this is Jonah, who was swallowed by the whale.  It's a poorly-made mannequin wearing an ill-fitting brown robe, a badly-dyed tallis, and a huge beard."  Understand "figure", "bad", "badly", "dyed", "badly-dyed", "dummy", "statue", "mannequin", "Jonah", and "poorly-made" as the scenery_Jonah.  Instead of rubbing, kissing, fucking, blowing, sucking, wanking off, or buggering the scenery_Jonah, say "The figure is not that anatomically correct."

The scenery_Jonah_accoutrements is part of the scenery_Jonah.  It is ambiguously plural.  The description is "On closer inspection, the clothing and beard are just painted on."  Understand "paint", "robe", "brown", "ill-fitting", "moth-eaten", "tallis", "huge", "beard", "clothes", and "clothing" as the scenery_Jonah_accoutrements.

The scenery_map is scenery in Jonah's Museum.  The description is "The map shows Jaffa, with a big 'You Are Here' arrow, Nineveh very far away in Assyria, and Tarshish's location unknown.  It's not very helpful."  Understand "map", "Jaffa", "Nineveh", "Tarshish", "Assyria", and "arrow" as the scenery_map.

The scenery_fake_whale is scenery in Jonah's Museum.  The scenery_fake_whale can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description is "The paper-mache whale is about twenty feet long, five feet high, and five feet across.  It has a wide-open mouth, into which you can climb; a small sign promises a 'multi-sensory extravaganza' if you do.  It carries a faint smell of dead fish."  The printed name is "paper-mache whale".  Understand "paper", "mache", "shoddy", "paper-mache", "whale", "fake", "sad", and "leviathan" as the scenery_fake_whale.  Instead of smelling the scenery_fake_whale, say "Fishy."  Instead of tasting the scenery_fake_whale, say "It tastes like paper and paste."  Instead of blowing the scenery_fake_whale, say "That's a ripoff.  No blowhole."  Instead of fucking the scenery_fake_whale:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	try blowing the scenery_fake_whale.
Instead of buggering the scenery_fake_whale, try blowing the scenery_fake_whale.  Instead of touching or rubbing the scenery_fake_whale, say "It feels exactly like shoddy paper-mache."  Instead of kissing the scenery_fake_whale:
	say "You fall in as you try to kiss the whale.";
	try going south.
Instead of entering the scenery_fake_whale, try going west.

The fake_whale_mouth is a door.  It is scenery.  The printed name is "whale mouth".  It is not openable.  It is open.  It is not lockable.  It is unlocked.  The description is "The whale's mouth connects the museum and the inside of the whale."  The fake_whale_mouth is west of Jonah's Museum and east of Fake Whale Interior.  Understand "mouth" and "maw" as the fake_whale_mouth.

Fake Whale Interior is a room.  It is inside from Jonah's museum.  The description is "A little light trickles in from holes in the whale's paper-mache skin.  It smells of dead fish in this cramped, warm, humid space.  The mouth opens to the east."  Instead of smelling when the location is the Fake Whale Interior, try smelling the whale_interior_scenery.

The whale_interior_scenery is scenery in the Fake Whale Interior.  The printed name is "whale interior".  The description is "Inside the whale, very little attempt has been made to disguise the fact that the whale is a shoddy paper-mache-over-wire construction.  It is dim, warm, and wet in here, and reeks of rotten fish."  Instead of smelling the whale_interior_scenery, say "The stench of rotten fish is overpowering."  Understand "dim", "whale", "interior", "warm", "humid", "wet", "inside", "paper", "paste", "anchovy", "anchovies", "paper-mache", "wire", "fish", "rotten", "stench", and "leviathan" as the whale_interior_scenery.  Instead of tasting the whale_interior_scenery, say "It tastes of paper, paste, and, ugh, anchovies."

The scenery_shop is scenery in Jonah's Museum.  The printed name is "gift shop".  The description is "A dim and unprepossessing gift shop lurks just to the south." Understand "gift" and "shop" as the scenery_shop.   The scenery_shop can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_shop, try going south.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or entering with the scenery_shop, say "You could enter the shop to the south."

Part Three - "Gift Shop"

The Gift Shop is a room.  It is south of Jonah's Museum.  The description is "This shabby gift shop is ruled by a grim-visaged proprietor.  [if the location of the disguise is a room]There appears to be exactly one item on the shelves[otherwise]The shelves are bare[end if]."

Some shelves are scenery in the gift shop.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "shelf", "bare", "despair", "futile", "futility", and "dispairing" as shelves.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the shelves, say "The shelves exude such an air of despair and futility that you are dissuaded from your plan."  The description is "The shelves are bare[if the location of the disguise is a room] but for a single item[end if]."

The disguise is an thing in the Gift Shop.  After examining the disguise, say "The proprietor says, 'For you, my friend, ten shekels.'"  The description is "The disguise claims to be an 'Authentic Jonah Costume.'  It appears to consist of a cheaply-made tallis and a huge fake beard made of scratchy wool, with protruding wires to hook over your ears."  Understand "item", "single", "lone", "tallis", "costume", "fake", and "beard" as the disguise.

Check taking the disguise:
	if the disguise is not warned_about, instead say "'Nuh-uh,' says the proprietor.  'Ten shekels, pal.'";
	say "You pick up the tallis and the beard.";
	remove the disguise from play;
	really have the parser notice the tallis;
	move the tallis to the player;
	move the fake beard to the player;
	stop the action.

The fake beard is an ornament.  The description is "It's a huge bushy fake black beard, made of scratchy wool.  It has wire earpieces to hold it on your face."  Understand "huge", "bushy", "black", "itchy", "scratchy", "wire", "earpiece", "earpieces", "wool", and "woolen" as the fake beard.

The tallis is an ornament.  The description is "The tallis is made of cheap cotton.  The white is really sort of gray, the blue is smeared and runny, the tzitzis are moth-eaten, and the whole thing looks ready to fall apart at any moment."  Understand "cheap", "cotton", "white", "blue", "gray", "smeared", "runny", "cheaply-made", "shawl", "moth-eaten", "tzitzit", "tzitzis", "fringe", "fringes", and "prayer" as the tallis.
	
The proprietor is a man in the Gift Shop.  He is scenery.  The description is "The proprietor looks exactly like a man who's spent much of his life presiding over a crappy gift shop in a terrible museum, standing in front of dilapidated shelves.  He is wizened and exudes an air of bitter petulance."  The default reply of the proprietor is "'Can't help you there.'"  Understand "wizened", "bitter", "petulance", "petulant", "dilapidated", "shelf", "shelves", "vendor", "shopkeeper", "grim", "old", "dibbler", "man", "grim-visaged", and "merchant" as the proprietor.  The conversation of the proprietor is the Table of Proprietor's Chatter.  Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, buggering, kissing, or wanking off the proprietor:
	say "The mere thought depresses you.".

Instead of buying the disguise:
	if the ten-drachma coin is held, instead try giving the ten-drachma coin to the proprietor;
	if the five-shekel coin is held, instead try giving the five-shekel coin to the proprietor;
	try taking the disguise.

Instead of giving or showing the ten-drachma coin to the proprietor:
	say "The proprietor stares at you in horrified disbelief.  'What?' he finally croaks out.  'Do I look like a moneychanger to you?  I don't take that goyishe dreck!  Shekels only!'".

Instead of giving or showing the five-shekel coin to the proprietor:
	say "The proprietor looks at the coin, and back at you, and at the disguise, and back at you.  'All right,' he finally says.  'But it's cutting me own throat[73 as a reference].'";
	remove the five-shekel coin from play;
	really have the parser notice the disguise;
	now the disguise is warned_about.
	
Instead of giving or showing something to the proprietor, say "The proprietor looks at [the noun] with unconcealed contempt.  'So?' he sneers."

Table of Proprietor's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"himself/dibbler/cmot/cut-me-own-throat/proprietor/vendor/shopkeeper/merchant"	"'What can I say?  It's a living.  If you can call it living.'"	"he's not too happy with his life"	a number
"Syra"	"'Ah, yes.  Syra.  It's moments like that that make it all worthwhile.'"	"he fondly remembers Syra's visit to his shop"
"Jonah/whale/leviathan"	"'That's what happens if you attract Jehovah's attention and then don't do what he says.'"	"ignoring Jehovah's wishes is a good way to get eaten by a whale"	--
"disguise/costume/tallis/beard" or "fake beard"	"'Finest quality!  Ten shekels.'"	"he wants ten shekels for the disguise"
	

Book Two - "Jerusalem"

Part One - "Jerusalem"

Jerusalem is a room.  It is east of Jaffa.  The description of Jerusalem is "This is Jerusalem, center of the Jewish world.  You stand just inside the Jaffa Gate, which is to your west; to the east, the street rises towards the Temple.  A scary-looking alley is just to the north, and to the south is a gaudy storefront."

Before going west in Jerusalem, say "You step through the Jaffa gate and begin the long journey back.  It is hot and tedious, but free of mishap."

The scenery_jerusalem_alley is scenery in Jerusalem.  The printed name is "alley".  The description is "A dank alley winds off to the north."  Understand "dank", "scary", "looking", "scary-looking", "alley", and "dark" as the scenery_jerusalem_alley.  The scenery_jerusalem_alley can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_jerusalem_alley, try going north.  Instead of doing anything other than entering or examining the scenery_jerusalem_alley, say "The alley's not here.  This is the street.  Street.  Alley.  Different places, see?"

The scenery_jerusalem_storefront is scenery in Jerusalem. The printed name is "storefront".  The description is "'Zach's Mohelerie' is the name advertised on the brightly-painted sign above the [if the player encloses the golden banana and madame sosostris is unboinked]closed and locked[otherwise]open[end if] door."  Understand "Zach", "Zach's", "Mohelerie", "bright", "paint", "sign", "gaudy", "store", "storefront", "brightly-painted", "store", "door", "open", "shop", "chop", and "chopshop" as the scenery_jerusalem_storefront.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or entering with the scenery_jerusalem_storefront, say "You can look at the store, or you can enter it, and that's about it."  Instead of entering the scenery_jerusalem_storefront, try going south.

Instead of going south in Jerusalem when the player encloses the golden banana and madame sosostris is unboinked:
	say "The door is locked.  A small sign proclaims 'Gone to Carthage to resupply from Dr. Riviera.  Back soon!'";
	stop the action.

The scenery_jerusalem_temple is scenery in Jerusalem.  The printed name is "temple".  The description is "The street rises to the east towards a large white marble temple to Jehovah, the god of the Jews."  Understand "street", "large", "white", "marble", "second", "temple", "Jehovah", "Yahweh", and "YHWH" as the scenery_jerusalem_temple.  Instead of going up in Jerusalem, try going east.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or entering with the scenery_jerusalem_temple, say "The Temple is too far away."  Instead of entering the scenery_jerusalem_temple, try going east.

The scenery_jaffa_gate is scenery in Jerusalem.  The printed name is "Jaffa Gate".  The indefinite article is "the".  The description is "The Jaffa Gate might be impressive for Jerusalem, but in Rome no one would give it a second thought.  It's an arch.  The road going through it leads to Jaffa.  There is little else to say about it."  Understand "Jaffa", "Gate", "arch", and "road" as the scenery_Jaffa_gate.  The scenery_jaffa_gate can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of doing anything other than examining, searching, or entering with the scenery_jaffa_gate, say "Looking at it or passing through it are pretty much your options, Jaffa-Gate-wise."  Instead of entering the scenery_jaffa_gate, try going west.  Instead of searching the scenery_jaffa_gate, say "The road stretches in the direction of Jaffa.  Hence the name."

Part Two - "Zach's Mohelerie"

Zach's Mohelerie is south of Jerusalem.  The description is "This small but brightly lit room smells of disinfectant and blood, rather like the better class of abattoir.  A cheery sign welcomes you to Zach's Mohelerie, flanked by certificates and testimonials.  A door opens onto the street, to the north."

The chopping block is a supporter in Zach's Mohelerie.  The description is "The chopping block is a simple wooden pedestal with a butcher-block top.  It is about thirty inches high, and the top is cut and stained from frequent use."

Some certificates are scenery in Zach's Mohelerie.  The description is "The certificates probably state that Zach is a licensed Mohel, who went to Mohel School and everything, but since they're in Hebrew, you'll never really know."

Some testimonials are scenery in Zach's Mohelerie.  The description is "The testimonials, in many different languages, attest to Zach's skill at performing circumcisions."

Zach is a man in Zach's Mohelerie.  The description is "A thin, nervous-looking man, with wild gray hair, wild brown eyes, and a long beard, rocks back and forth from foot to foot, [if the golden banana is warned_about]drenched in sweat[otherwise]absentmindedly flipping a long knife from hand to hand[end if]."  The default reply of Zach is "'Idon'tknowverymuchaboutthatareyougoingtogivemesomethingtocutorwhat?'"  The conversation of Zach is the Table of Zach's Chatter.  Understand "man", "thin", "nervous", "nervous-looking", "Zacharais", "Zac", "Zack", "mohel", "foot", "sweat", "sweaty", "exhausted", "exhaustion", "hand", "rocks", "rocking", and "skinny" as Zach.

 Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, buggering, kissing, or wanking off Zach, say "Zach oscillates his head and says, 'Nothat'sreallynotmystylesorry.'";

Instead of giving or showing anything to Zach, say "Zach says, 'Lookjustputitonthechoppingblockifyouwantmetocutit.'"

Instead of putting the stiffycock on the chopping block for the first time:
	say "Zach gives you a brief, but penetrating look.  'Areyousureyouwantmetodothat?' he asks.  'Becausereallyit'saprettybigstepbecomingJewishandjoiningthecovenantandthere'snogoingbackbutifyoureallymeanitwhipitoutandputitontheblockagain.'[paragraph break]";
	say "You hesitate.".

Instead of putting the stiffycock on the chopping block:
	say "There is a brief flash of steel and blinding pain.  You're vaguely aware of Zach kissing the blood away as you sink to the ground.  But then, everything [italic type]does[roman type] change.  You settle down, learn Hebrew, begin to read the Torah.  You marry a nice Jewish girl named Rebecca, with thick ankles but marvelous latkes.  You become a cantor in the Temple.  Eventually, your father even accepts the fact that you've converted to Judaism.[paragraph break]Eris is a little pissed off, but, well, fuck her, you're a Jew now.[paragraph break]In the fullness of time, you inherit Cocky's trading empire, and your fourteen sons in turn carry it on when you become too old to take an active hand in its running.  You die at a great old age, surrounded by your loving family, adored and prosperous.";
	end the story saying "You have found a happy[emdash]though not exactly the winning[emdash]ending".

Instead of putting the Golden Banana of Discord on the chopping block:
	if the golden banana is warned_about, instead say "Zach shakes his head.  'Alreadydiditforyoucan'tdoitagain'";
	say "Zach stares intently at the Golden Banana, then shrugs.  'Metalbananawellwhynot,' he says.  His knife flashes.  Sparks fly.  Zach staggers backward and lurches against the wall.  'Sonofabitch,' he mutters.[paragraph break]";
	say "Keeping a wary eye on the banana, Zach changes to a skinnier knife, which he proceeds to sharpen extremely thoroughly.  He retrieves some thick leather gloves from his workbench and puts them on.  'Let'sseeyougetawayfromthisone,' he growls, and launches himself at the banana.[paragraph break]";
	say "There's a horrible screech of tortured metal that seems to go on for minutes; fountains of blue-white sparks effervesce into the air.  Zach keeps up a running shouted commentary of expletives and invectives.  Finally, drenched in sweat, he bends over the piece of metal, kisses it gently, and steps back.  'Alldone,' he proclaims.  'Thanksthatwasareallyinterestingchallengeenjoyyourbanana.'";
	now the golden banana is warned_about;
	move the golden banana to the chopping block;
	now the global_pirate_attack_flag is 1.

Instead of putting anything on the chopping block, say "Zach looks intently at [the noun].  'Nothere'snowaytocircumcise[italic type]that[roman type],' he says.";

Zach's beard is part of Zach.  The description is "Long and gray."  Understand "long" and "gray" as Zach's beard.

Zach's eyes are part of Zach.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "eye", "brown", "wild", "bloodshot", and "staring" as Zach's eyes.  The description is "Zach stares anxiously with wild, bloodshot brown eyes."

Zach's hair is part of Zach.  The description is "Tangled, wild, and gray."  Understand "tangled", "wild", and "gray" as Zach's hair.

Zach's knife is held by Zach.  The description is "The long, wicked knife gleams in the light.  It looks very sharp."  Understand "long", "wicked", "sharp", and "gleaming" as Zach's knife.

Table of Zach's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Syra"	"'YeahIfuckedheritwasOK.'"	"he has had sexual relations with Syra"	a number
"Zach/Zac/Zacharais/mohel/himself"	"'I'mthebestmohelinJerusalemandthatmeansthebestintheworldandalsoI'mthefastestIcanhaveaforeskinoffbeforeyoucansay[italic type]JackRobinson[roman type].'"	"he says he's the best and the fastest mohel in the world"	--
"me/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Lucius/Mentula" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula"	"'IalsowelcomenewconvertsandI'mhappytocircumciseadultstoo.'"	"he's happy to welcome new converts into the fold"	--
"cock/penis/rod/schween/dick/foreskin/foreskins"	"'Icancutanypenisontheplanet.'"	"no dick is too large or too small for him to circumcise"	--
"knife"	"'Ipromiseit'sreallysharp.'"	"his knife is very sharp"	--
"banana/golden/discord" or "Golden Banana" or "Golden Banana of Discord"	"'YeahI'veheardofitIbetIcouldcutit.''"	"he thinks he could cut the Golden Banana of Discord"	--
"circumcision/circumcise"	"'JustputitonthechoppingblockandI'lldotherest.'"	"put the thing you want cut on his chopping block"	--

Part Three - "Alley"

The Jerusalem_Alley is an alley.  It is north of Jerusalem.  The printed name is "Alley".  The description is "This is a very sketchy-looking alley; you feel as if you are being watched by invisible eyes.  The street lies back to the south."

The scenery_jerusalem_street is scenery in the Jerusalem_Alley.  The printed name is "street".  The description is "The street to the south is better lit than the alley, and seems much safer."  Understand "street", "lit", "better", and "better-lit" as the scenery_jerusalem_street.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or entering with the scenery_jerusalem_street, say "The street's not here.  This is the alley.  Alley.  Street.  Different places, see?"  The scenery_jerusalem_street can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_jerusalem_street, try going south.

Some scenery_alley_eyes are scenery in the Jerusalem_Alley.  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "invisible eyes".  The description is "The eyes, if they are really there at all, are invisible."  Understand "eye", "eyes", "invisible", "watcher", "watching", and "watchers" as the scenery_alley_eyes.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_alley_eyes, say "The invisible eyes may not even exist." 

Instead of waiting in the Jerusalem_Alley when Rachel is not boinked:
	try going south.

Before going south in the Jerusalem_Alley when Rachel is not boinked:
	say "A heavy cosh descends on the back of your skull, and you black out.  When you come to, you are somewhere completely new to you.";
	move the player to the Judaean Brothel;
	say "The woman in the bed smiles toothily at you.  'I'm Rachel,' she says, and flings a ten-drachma coin onto the floor.  'And you're my little dirty goy bitch.'";
	move the ten-drachma coin to the Judaean Brothel;
	really have the parser notice the ten-drachma coin;
	stop the action.
	
Part Four - "Judaean Brothel"

Chapter One - "Brothel"

The Judaean Brothel is a room.  The description is "This is a small room with an exit to the north: there's a bed, currently occupied by a naked woman[if Rachel is boinked] snoring loudly[end if], and not much of anything else."

The brothel_bed is scenery.  It is in the Judaean Brothel.  The printed name is "bed".  The description is "The only noteworthy feature of the bed is Rachel[if Rachel is boinked], who is fast asleep[end if]."  The brothel_bed can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the brothel_bed, say "It's very narrow.  You can only get into it by getting atop Rachel, and there are other verbs for that."  Understand "bed" and "narrow" as the brothel_bed.

Instead of going outside in Judaean Brothel, try going north.

Before going north in Judaean Brothel:
	If Rachel is not boinked, instead say "You dash into the hall, only to run smack into the bouncer.  He listens briefly to Rachel's wails of rage.  'Unsatisfied customer,' he shrugs.  'Get back in there.  By the way,' he grins, 'she sleeps like a log once she's come, and she usually has some pretty nice jewelry.'  He shoves you back into the room.";
	if the toga is not worn by the player, instead say "You realize that you probably ought to put your clothes back on first.";
	if the ten-drachma coin is not held by the player, instead say "The guard arrests your progress.  'Dude,' he says.  'You didn't even stop to pick up your payment.  That will never do.'  He pushes you back into the bedroom.";
	if the mezuzah is not held by the player and the mezuzah is not worn by the player, instead say "The bouncer stops you with a meaty hand on your chest.  'She's asleep,' he points out.  'Please, help yourself to that foul-mouthed harpy's jewelry.'";
	say "The bouncer eyes you as you sidle past.  'I'm going to have to yell [italic type]Stop, thief![roman type] and chase you,' he says.  'Just as soon as I finish buckling my sandals.'  You dash past him and are well into the street before you hear him shout.  After running blindly for a while, you once again find yourself in familiar territory.";
	move the player to Jerusalem;
	stop the action.

Chapter Two - "Rachel"

Rachel is a woman in the Judaean Brothel.  The description of Rachel is "She's not a bad-looking woman.  Shoulder-length light-brown hair, full lips, blue eyes, slightly-too-big nose, medium-sized firm tits, trim belly[if the mezuzah is worn by Rachel] with a small gold cylinder dangling from a chain around her waist[end if], shapely thighs, nice calves, dainty feet[if Rachel is boinked].  She lies on her back, fast asleep, emitting stentorian snores[end if]."  The default reply of Rachel is "Rachel glares at you.  'I'm not here for chit-chat,' she snaps.  [dirty request]".  The conversation of Rachel is the Table of Rachel's Chatter.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or searching or waking with Rachel when Rachel is boinked, say "You might wake her up, and then she'd start talking again."  The initial appearance is "A naked woman [if rachel is boinked]snores loudly[otherwise]sits upright[end if] in the narrow bed."  Understand "woman", "slut", "jewish", "Rabinowitz" as Rachel.

Instead of waking Rachel when Rachel is boinked, say "If you did that, she'd start talking again, and no one wants that."

Instead of smelling Rachel, say "She smells of sweat and sexual excitement."

Instead of kissing Rachel, say "'I'd rather kiss a pig[74 as a reference]!' she growls.  [dirty request]"

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, blowing, or wanking off Rachel, try touching Rachel's tits.

Instead of fucking Rachel, consider the Rachel-fucking rule.

Instead of attacking Rachel, say "Tempting as it is, violence isn't the answer to this one."

Instead of searching Rachel, say "Rachel is completely nude[if the mezuzah is worn by Rachel] except for a gold pendant around her waist[end if]." 

Rachel's hair is part of Rachel.  The description is "Shoulder-length brownish hair frames her face."  Understand "shoulder-length", "brownish", "brown", and "light-brown" as Rachel's hair.  Instead of smelling Rachel's hair, try smelling Rachel.

Rachel's lips are part of Rachel.  The description is "Rachel's lips are full and red.  They're [if Rachel is boinked]blessedly only emitting snores right now[otherwise]also constantly in motion as she hurls imprecations[end if]."  Understand "full", "red", "lip", and "mouth" as Rachel's lips.  Instead of kissing or sucking Rachel's lips, try kissing Rachel.  Instead of fucking Rachel's lips, try fucking Rachel's tits.

Rachel's eyes are part of Rachel.  The description is "Rachel has ice-blue eyes, and perhaps a bit much mascara."  Understand "eye", "blue", "ice-blue", and "mascara" as Rachel's eyes.

Rachel's nose is part of Rachel.  The description is "Rachel's nose is a little large, and slightly hooked."  Understand "large" and "hooked" as Rachel's nose.  Instead of fucking, sucking, or blowing Rachel's nose, say "'Is that the kind of perversion they teach in Rome?' she asks, recoiling.  [dirty request]".

Rachel's tits are part of Rachel.  The description is "Her breasts are medium-sized, but firm and shapely."  Understand "chest", "bosom", "medium", "medium-sized", "breast", "tit", "breasts", "hooter", "hooters", "boob", and "boobs" as Rachel's tits.  Instead of fucking Rachel's tits:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "'What's in it for me?'  Rachel bats you away.  [dirty request]".
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, or blowing Rachel's tits, say "Rachel moans perfunctorily before snarling, 'Get to the main event.'"
Instead of smelling Rachel's tits, try smelling Rachel.

Rachel's belly is a part of Rachel.  The description is "Her waist and belly are trim."  Understand "waist" and "trim" as Rachel's belly.  Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, or blowing Rachel's belly, try touching Rachel's tits.  Instead of fucking Rachel's belly, try fucking Rachel's tits.

Rachel's pussy is a vagina.  It is part of Rachel.  The description is "Her pussy is covered in thick, dark brown, curly pubic hair[if the mezuzah is worn by Rachel], with a small golden cylinder dangling just to one side[end if]."  Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, kissing, wanking off, or blowing Rachel's pussy, try touching Rachel's tits.  Instead of smelling Rachel's pussy, try smelling Rachel.  Understand "thick", "dark", "brown", "curly", "pubic", "pubes", "public hair", "brisket", and "lox" as Rachel's pussy.

Rachel's asshole is an anus.  It is part of Rachel.  The description is "Her anus is tucked away underneath her.  You can't reach it."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with Rachel's asshole, try examining Rachel's asshole.

Rachel's legs are part of Rachel.  The description is "Her legs are quite shapely."  Understand "thigh", "thighs", "calf", "calves", "feet", "foot", "shapely", "nice", and "dainty" as Rachel's legs.  Instead of kissing, touching, rubbing, sucking, or blowing Rachel's legs, try fucking Rachel's tits.  Instead of smelling Rachel's legs, try smelling Rachel.

The mezuzah is an ornament.  It is worn by Rachel.  The description is "The pendant is a small golden cylinder, with pointed caps at both ends.  You can see a bit of parchment inside with what looks like Hebrew writing on it, but you can't make it out.  It has a little eye on one end through which a delicate golden chain-and-clasp arrangement goes."  Instead of opening the mezuzah, say "It seems to be soldered shut."  Understand "gold", "golden", "cylinder", "cap", "caps", "pointed", "parchment", "klaf", "clasp", "chain", "chain-and-clasp", "delicate", "little", "eye", "Hebrew", "writing", "bit", "pendant", "jewelry", and "prayer" as the mezuzah.  Instead of rolling the mezuzah, say "It probably would roll well enough, but why bother?"

The ten-drachma coin is a thing.  The description is "It's a lightweight Greek coin, made of silver."  Understand "money", "silver", "ten", "drachma", "drachmas", "drachmae", and "lightweight" as the ten-drachma coin.  Instead of rolling the ten-drachma coin, say "Someone would probably steal it while it was rolling around."

This is the Rachel-fucking rule:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "Rachel's pussy proves both hot and wet as you thrust into her waiting womb.  She screams in pleasure and rakes at your back with her nails, screaming increasingly-incoherent ethnic slurs the while.  As you're hitting your stride, there is a small cough from the doorway.[paragraph break]";
	say "You stop and turn in horror to see a young girl, perhaps eight years old, watching you.  'Aunt Rachel,' she snaps, disapprovingly, 'my mother sent me to go fetch you.  It's your turn to cook.'[paragraph break]";
	say "Rachel groans.  'Tell Anna to go fuck herself.'[paragraph break]";
	say "The child sneers.  'Better than rutting like an animal with yet another dirty goy, you repulsive slut.  What are you going to do when one of those filthy, uncut barbarians knocks you up?'[paragraph break]";
	say "Rachel laughs.  'Just say an angel did it, Miriam.  It works every time.  Someday you'll see for yourself [37 as a footnote].'[paragraph break]";
	say "Miriam glares at Rachel, and then at you.  'Don't let the Gentile steal your jewelry this time,' she grumbles, glaring at you.  'You think we're made of mezuzahs?'[paragraph break]";
	say "Rachel's only reply is a rude gesture.  The child turns and stomps away.[paragraph break]";
	say "Rachel slaps your ass hard.  'Don't lose your hard-on now!' she yells.  'Finish the job, you[run paragraph on]";
	choose a random row in the Table of Bigoted Slurs;
	say " [slur entry]!'[paragraph break]";
	say "A few more minutes of thrusting on your part, and bellowed ecstatic bigotry on her part, later, Rachel comes with a shriek, and immediately falls asleep and begins snoring.  Nonplussed, you grit your teeth and dribble out a disappointing orgasm of your own.[paragraph break]";
	now Rachel is boinked;
	record "Rachel" as achieved.

This is the fancy can't take people's possessions rule:
	if the noun is the mezuzah and Rachel is boinked, continue the action;
	if the noun is the grubby tunic, continue the action;
	if the noun is the simple white tunic, continue the action;
	if the noun is the golden sandals, continue the action;
	abide by the can't take people's possessions rule.
	
The fancy can't take people's possessions rule is listed instead of the can't take people's possessions rule in the check taking rulebook.

Table of Rachel's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Syra"	"'Oooooh, she was a tasty shiksa.  And that schnozz acted like an anchor, even.'"	"she really enjoyed both Syra's attentions and her nose"	a number
"mezuzah/pendant/cylinder/jewelry"	"'You goyim are so ignorant.  That's a mezuzah.  It confers blessings on those entering.'"	"the pendant is a mezuzah, which confers blessings"	--
"Rachel/herself"	"'Sometimes I need some meat that's not quite kosher.'"	"she has a thing for fucking Gentiles"	--

To say dirty request:
	choose a random row in the Table of Bigoted Slurs;
	say "'[pork entry],' [run paragraph on] ";
	choose a random row in the Table of Bigoted Slurs;	
	 say "[shout entry] Rachel, 'you [run paragraph on]";
	choose a random row in the Table of Bigoted Slurs;
	say "[slur entry]!'".

Table of Bigoted Slurs
pork						shout		slur
"Thrust your pork salami between my lox slices"		"shrieks"		"dirty uncircumcised pig"
"Bludgeon me with your uncircumcised bratwurst"		"shouts"		"filthy goy"
"Split me open with your giant greasy kielbasa"		"hollers"		"uncut colonialist oppressor"
"Ritually defile me with that juicy loin of pork"		"bellows"		"garlic-reeking wop"
"Batter apart my Ark"				"screams"		"no-covenant-having motherfucker"
"Stretch my brisket"					"yells"		"domus-eunting Romanis"
"Unload your goyishe sperm into a Chosen womb"		"ejaculates"	"vile polytheistic cocksucker"
"Mix meat and milk in me"				"hoots"		"beardless Hellenized pansy-boy"

Part Five - "Temple"

The Temple Courtyard is east of Jerusalem.  The description is "It appears to be a slow day at the Temple.  The courtyard is empty except for a single moneychanger behind his table, half-dozing in the sun.  The Temple itself is to the east.  A small sign in front of it warns against entry."

The small sign is scenery in the Temple Courtyard.  The description is "'NO DOGS OR GENTILES IN THE TEMPLE ON PAIN OF DEATH.'"

The changer_table is scenery in the Temple Courtyard.  The description is "The wooden table has a set of scales on it."  The printed name is "table".  Understand "table", "wood" and "wooden" as the changer_table.  Instead of putting something on the changer_table, try giving the noun to the moneychanger.

The scales are scenery in the Temple Courtyard.  The description is "The delicate scales are designed to weigh coins.  The moneychanger uses them to determine the value of money he is given."  Understand "delicate", "balance", and "scale" as the scales.

The moneychanger is a man in the Temple Courtyard.  He is scenery.  The description is "The moneychanger is a plump and florid little man, with fat fingers bedecked with rings."  The default reply of the moneychanger is "The moneychanger yawns hugely and a little rudely."  Understand "changer", "plump", "florid", and "little" as the moneychanger.  The conversation of the moneychanger is the Table of Moneychanger's Chatter.

The changer_rings are part of the moneychanger.  The printed name is "rings".  The description is "The moneychanger clearly values quantity over quality.  His fat, piggy fingers are bedizened with gaudy golden rings set with bright but tawdry-looking stones."  Understand "fat", "piggy", "finger", "fingers", "hands", "hand", "ring", "rings", "gaudy", "gold", "golden", "bright", "stones", "jewel", "jewels", "bejeweled", "bedizened", "tawdry", "tawdry-looking", and "stone" as the changer_rings.

The five-shekel coin is a thing.  The description is "It's a small silver coin worth five shekels."  Understand "money", "shekel", "shekels", "five", "silver", and "small" as the five-shekel coin.  Instead of rolling the five-shekel coin, say "Money is for spending, not for rolling around on the floor."

Table of Moneychanger's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Syra"	"'I remember a girl named Syra.  Big nose, big enthusiasm.  Yep.'"	"he remembers Syra's nose and enthusiasm"	a number
"money/shekel/drachma/drachmae/shekels/five/ten/coin/currency/currencies" or "goyishe currency" or "goyishe currencies" or "five-shekel coin" or "ten-drachma coin"	"'The way this works is, you give me a foreign coin, and I give you a number of shekels equal to its value.'"	"he exchanges foreign coins for shekels"	--
"himself/man/moneychanger"	"'I get by.'  He waggles his rings at you."	"he's doing well in his profession"	--
"ring/rings/jewel/jewels/jewelry"	"'Yep.  Nice, aren't they?'"	"he's proud of his jewelry"	--
"temple/second" or "second temple"	"'It's the holiest place in Judaism.  No Gentiles allowed.'"	"the Temple is the holiest place in Judaism, and Gentiles may not enter"	--

Instead of giving or showing the stiffycock to the moneychanger, say "The moneychanger says, 'I honestly have no idea how to value that, [stiffycolor of the stiffycock] glow or no.'"

Instead of giving or showing the five-shekel coin to the moneychanger, say "The moneychanger shakes his head.  'I change goyishe currencies into shekels.  Not the other way around.'"

Instead of giving or showing the ten-drachma coin to the moneychanger:
	say "The moneychanger weighs the coin carefully, and nicks its edge with a knife to ascertain that it's silver all the way through.  He nods, places it in his pocket, and solemnly hands you a five-shekel coin.";
	remove the ten-drachma coin from play;
	really have the parser notice the five-shekel coin;
	move the five-shekel coin to the player.

Instead of giving or showing something to the moneychanger, say "The moneychanger glances at [the noun] and shakes his head.  'I just change money.  I don't buy or sell anything.'";

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, buggering, kissing, or wanking off the moneychanger:
	say "The moneychanger flaps his hands.  'Nope!  Not my thing!' he exclaims.".
	
Instead of attacking the moneychanger, say "Memo to Stiffy: you're not Jesus[36 as a footnote]."

Before going east in the Temple Courtyard for the first time:
	say "Your eye is caught by a sign, in many languages, Greek and Latin among them, that says 'NO DOGS OR GENTILES IN THE TEMPLE ON PAIN OF DEATH.'";
	stop the action.

Before going east in the Temple Courtyard:
	say "[if the tallis is worn and the fake beard is worn]Your faith in your disguise turns out to have been grossly misplaced.  Y[otherwise]Well, y[end if]ou can't say you weren't warned.";
	end the story saying "You have died.";

Volume Ten - "Egypt"

Egypt is a region.  Egyptian_streets is a region in Egypt.  Palace Grounds is a region in Egypt.  An Alexandrian Street is a kind of room.  Every Alexandrian Street is in Egyptian_streets.  Hotel Metropole, Eugenidean Boudoir, Museum Antechamber, Great Library, Top of the Pharos, and The Temple of Serapis are in Egypt.

Egyptian Escapades is a recurring scene.  Egyptian Escapades begins when the location is in Egypt.  Egyptian Escapades ends when the location is not in Egypt.

The Egyptian_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in Egyptian_streets.  The description is "Hot, hot sun glares from a cloudless, merciless sky."  Understand "blue", "azure", "sky", "sun", "merciless", "hot", and "cloudless" as the Egyptian_sky_scenery.  It is in Top of the Pharos.

Test min-egypt with "test egypt1 / test egypt3 / test egypt4 / test egypt5 /test egypt6/ w".

Test egypt1 with "d/e/s/w/w/n/n/u/kiss man/d/s/s/e/e/s/e/x ledger/s/fuck him/w/n/n".
Test egypt2 with "e/e/ask bouncer about museum/ask bouncer about himself/ask bouncer about item/w".
Test egypt3 with "n/give currant to guard/e/n/remove toga/kiss cleo/e/fuck cleopatra/ ask her about alex/s/e".
Test egypt4 with "enter sarcophagus/remove toga/fuck corpse/wear toga/get paper/x it/out/w/w/s".
Test egypt5 with "e / show mezuzah to bouncer / e / ask librarian about banana / put jagged on ragged".
Test egypt6 with "give paper to librarian/x paper / w/w/w".
test egypt with "test egypt1/test egypt2/test egypt3/test egypt4/test egypt5 / test egypt6".

Egyptians are some men.  They are in Alexandrine Wharf.  They are ambiguously plural.  They are scenery.  The description of the Egyptians is "Egyptians scurry back and forth, engrossed in their own lives."  Understand "Egyptian", "Egyptians", "man", "woman", "men", "women", "scurry", "scurrying" as the Egyptians.  The default reply of the Egyptians is "A stony glare is your only reply."  The Egyptians are unspeakable.  Instead of attacking the Egyptians, say "What did they ever do to you?"  Instead of fucking the Egyptians, say "They sidle out of your way, as if well-practiced at evading unwanted advances."

Every turn during Egyptian Escapades:
	if the location is the Great Library for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Librarian" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	if the location is Cleopatra's Throne Room for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Cleopatra" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;	
	if the location is an Alexandrian street, move the Egyptians to the location;
	if the stiffycock is visible
	begin;
		if the Egyptians are in the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds, say "Men and women glance at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing nakedness, and then hurriedly away.";
		if Eugenides is in the location and Eugenides is not boinked, say "The merchant stares hungrily at your exposed and [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock.";
		if Cleopatra is visible and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
		begin;
			if Cleopatra is boinked
			begin;
				say "Cleopatra glances affectionately at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing rod.";
			otherwise;
				 if Cleopatra is horny
				begin;
					say "Cleopatra bats her eyes coyly and says, 'I've never had [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock before.'";
				otherwise;
					say "Cleopatra studies your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing penis, a faint smile playing about the corners of her mouth.";
				end if;
			end if;
		end if;
		if the surly guard is in the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			say "The guard shakes his head.  'Dude,' he grumbles, 'Put that thing away.  The [stiffycolor of the stiffycock] glow is creeping me out.'";
		end if;
		if the bouncer is in the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			say "The bouncer's eyes keep being drawn to your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock, although he resolutely tries to avoid looking.";
		end if;
		if the librarian is in the location and the librarian is not warned_about
		begin;
			now the librarian is warned_about;
			say "The librarian looks intently at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock.  'A favorite of Jupiter Virilis, I see,' she notes.";
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is Cleopatra's Throne Room and Cleopatra is boinked and Cleopatra is not handled
	begin;
		now Cleopatra is handled;
		say "Cleopatra frowns slightly as if remembering something.  'Most of my guests,' she says, 'want to view Alexander's mummy.  Ask me about his tomb and I'll have someone open it for you, if you'd like.'";
		really have the parser notice Cleopatra;
	end if.

Book One - "Library and Environs"

The scenery_pharos is a backdrop.  It is in Alexandrine wharf, Great Harbor, Canopic Way, Western Canopic Way, and Heptastadion.  The printed name is "Pharos".  The description is "The Pharos lighthouse juts high into the sky above the Great Harbor."  Understand "Pharos", "lighthouse", "harbor", and "great" as the scenery_Pharos.

Part One - "Miscellaneous Geography"

Alexandrine Wharf is an Alexandrian street.  "This is the Alexandrine Wharf.  Across the harbor some distance to the north you can see the Pharos lighthouse.  The Great Museum is some distance to your east, across a busy street.  [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type] is anchored to the west."

Instead of going west in Alexandrine Wharf, follow the all-aboard-the-ass rule.  Instead of going north in Alexandrine Wharf, say "Swimming the harbor is not in your plans for today."

By The Museum is an Alexandrian street.  It is east from Alexandrine Wharf.  "You stand on the Street of the Soma, a little north of its intersection with the Canopic Way.  The Great Museum is to your east.  Off to the north a little way you can see Cleopatra's palace.  Alexandria's commercial docks are to the west."  Instead of going inside in By The Museum, try going east.

Intersection is an Alexandrian street.  It is south from By The Museum.  "Here the Canopic Way, stretching from the Gate of the Moon in the west to the Gate of the Sun in the east, crosses the Street of the Soma, which runs from the Great Harbor, north, to the Lake Harbor, south."

Canopic Way is an Alexandrian Street.  It is west from the Intersection.  "The Canopic Way parallels the harbor here, running east and west.  Far to the north, the Pharos rises above the Great Harbor.  The Temple of Serapis is to your south."  Instead of going inside in Canopic Way, try going south.

Western Canopic Way is an Alexandrian street.  It is west from the Canopic Way.  "The grand causeway, known as the Heptastadion, stretches across the harbor to the north.  To the west, the Gate of the Moon opens onto the Western Cemetery."  Instead of going west in the Western Canopic Way, say "You have no real desire to wander among the unquiet dead."  Instead of going outside in the Western Canopic Way, try going west.

Heptastadion is an Alexandrian street.  It is north from Western Canopic Way.  "You stand on a causeway seven stades[emdash]nearly a mile[emdash]long, connecting the Island of Pharos to the mainland."

Isle of Pharos is an Alexandrian street.  It is north from the Heptastadion.  "The great lighthouse towers above you; its door is to the east.  To the south, the long causeway leads back to Alexandria proper."  Instead of going inside in Isle of Pharos, try going east.  Instead of going up in Isle of Pharos, try going east.

The scenery_near_pharos is scenery in the Isle of Pharos.  The printed name is "Pharos".  The description is "The Pharos lighthouse towers above you.  You can enter it to the east."  Understand "pharos", "lighthouse", "tall", and "towering" as the scenery_near_pharos.

Gate of the Sun is an Alexandrian street.  It is east from the Intersection.  "Here the Gate of the Sun frames a small bridge over a canal, just outside the city wall."  Instead of going east in the Gate of the Sun, say "You have no desire to trudge through the Egyptian heat; if you want to travel, you should hire a boatman.  There are none in evidence."  Instead of going north in the Gate of the Sun, try going east.  Instead of going south in the Gate of the Sun, try going east.  Instead of going outside in the Gate of the Sun, try going east.  Instead of going inside in the Gate of the Sun, try going west.

The scenery_gate_of_the_sun is scenery in Gate of the Sun.  The printed name is "Gate of the Sun".   The description is "The Gate of the Sun forms the eastern gate of the walled city.  It's, well, it's a city gate.  Not that impressive to someone raised in Rome, alas."  Understand "Gate", "Sun", and "Gate of the Sun" as the scenery_gate_of_the_sun.

The scenery_canal is scenery in the Gate of the Sun.  The printed name is "canal".  The description is "A small bridge spans the canal here, which is devoid of boats.  To the east stretch Alexandria's suburbs, petering out eventually into desert."  Understand "small", "bridge", "span", "canal", "boat", "boats", "suburb", "suburbs", "boatman", and "desert" as the scenery_canal.

Lake Harbor is an Alexandrian street.  It is south from the Intersection.  "The street ends here at the Lake Harbor, where brightly-painted pleasure craft litter the water.  To the east stands a somewhat seedy resort, billing itself as the 'Hotel Metropole.'"  Instead of going inside in Lake Harbor, try going east.

The lake_harbor_scenery is scenery in Lake Harbor.  The printed name is "Lake Harbor".  The indefinite article is "the".  The description is "Bright boats litter the water."  Understand "craft", "pleasure", "bright", "brightly", "brightly-painted", "painted", "boat", "boats", "water", and "litter" as the lake_harbor_scenery.  The lake_harbor_scenery can be enterable.  The lake_harbor_scenery is enterable.  Instead of entering the lake_harbor_scenery, say "No boats are close enough for you to board."

The hotel_metropole_scenery is scenery in Lake harbor.  The printed name is "Hotel Metropole".  The indefinite article is "the".  The description is "It's a shabby, seedy hotel on the east side of the street."  Understand "shabby", "seedy", "hotel", and "metropole" as the hotel_metropole_scenery.

The museum_scenery is a backdrop in Alexandrine Wharf.   It is in By the Museum.  The printed name is "museum".  Understand "complex", "interconnected", "building", "buildings", "great", "museum", "library", "muse", "muses", and "birdcage" as museum_scenery.  The indefinite article is "the".  The description is "Off to the east stretches the Great Museum, a complex of interconnected buildings."

Part Two - "The Great Museum"

Chapter One - "The Entrance"

Section One - "The Entryway"

Museum Antechamber is east from By The Museum.  "This austere antechamber functions, primarily, as a way to keep the rabble out of the Great Library to the east.  That function is performed by the enormous bouncer, who[if the enormous bouncer is handled] stands beside the eastern doorway, allowing you access[otherwise] nearly fills the eastern doorway[end if]."  By The Museum is outside from Museum Antechamber.

Section Two - "The Bouncer"

The enormous bouncer is a man in Museum Antechamber.  The description of the enormous bouncer is "[if the bouncer is not handled]A huge man, both tall and stout, wielding a cudgel, glowers fiercely.  He wears an ink-stained tunic and battered leather sandals[otherwise]The bouncer gives you a brief nod, one scholar to another[end if]."  He is scenery.  The indefinite article of the enormous bouncer is "the".  The conversation of the enormous bouncer is the Table of Bouncer's Chatter.  The default reply of the enormous bouncer is "'I don't understand what you mean.'"  Understand "big", "huge", "tall", "stout", "fat", "giant", "gigantic", "fierce", "glowering", and "large" as the enormous bouncer.  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the enormous bouncer: no.

The worn cudgel is held by the bouncer.  The description is "The worn wooden cudgel has seen plenty of use."  Understand "wood" and "wooden" as the worn cudgel.

The ink-stained tunic is worn by the bouncer.  The description is "The tunic is threadbare and stained with ink."  Understand "threadbare" as the ink-stained tunic.

Some battered leather sandals are worn by the bouncer.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "There's nothing special about the bouncer's battered leather sandals."

Instead of showing the jagged papyrus to the bouncer for the first time:
	now the ink-stained tunic is warned_about;
	say "The bouncer takes the papyrus fragment from you.  He reads it quickly, and then shrugs as he hands it back.  'Worthless.  For starters, it's in Greek and no more than three centuries old; next, you can't tell what it's supposed to be saying; and finally, I'm pretty sure I've already seen something a lot like it in the collection.'" 
	
Instead of showing the jagged papyrus to the bouncer, say "'I already told you, we don't want it.'"
Instead of giving the jagged papyrus to the bouncer, try showing the jagged papyrus to the bouncer.

Instead of showing or giving the five-shekel coin  to the bouncer, say "'If that's a bribe, it's insulting, and if it's a cultural artifact, it's stupid.'"  

Instead of showing or giving the ten-drachma coin to the bouncer, say "'If that's a bribe, it's insulting, and if it's a cultural artifact, it's stupid.'"  

Instead of showing the tallis to the bouncer for the first time, say "'Well,' says the bouncer, 'it is, indeed, a monotheistic cultural artifact.  Unfortunately, it's a particularly crappy one.  I mean, look at that thing; it's totally moth-eaten, and it was poorly-made to begin with.'"
Instead of showing the tallis to the bouncer, say "'I already told you, we don't want it.'"
Instead of giving the tallis to the bouncer, try showing the tallis to the bouncer.

Instead of showing the mezuzah to the bouncer:
	say "The bouncer's face lights up as he examines the mezuzah closely.  'Nice goldwork,' he opines.  'Very delicate inscription on the klaf.  I'd say this is a fine example of an authentically Jewish cultural artifact.  Well done.  Feel free to enter.'  He pockets the mezuzah.";
	now the bouncer is handled;
	really have the parser notice the bouncer;
	remove the mezuzah from play.
Instead of giving the mezuzah to the bouncer, try showing the mezuzah to the bouncer.

Instead of showing anything to the bouncer, say "The bouncer yawns with boredom when presented with [the noun]."
Instead of giving anything to the bouncer, say "The bouncer shakes his head tiredly.  'You don't really think [the noun] contributes to our treasury of knowledge.  I know you don't.'"

Before asking the bouncer about something:
	if the ink-stained tunic is warned_about
	begin;
		if the topic understood matches "papyrus/ragged/jagged/piece/paper", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
		if the topic understood matches "ragged papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
		if the topic understood matches "jagged papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
		if the topic understood matches "piece of paper", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
		if the topic understood matches "piece of papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	end if;
	if the bouncer is handled
	begin;
		if the topic understood matches "cylinder/mezuzah/parchment/klaf/Hebrew/pendant/jewelry", replace the topic understood with "#fake2";
	end if.


Table of Bouncer's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"bouncer/himself/enormous" or "enormous bouncer"	"'Just because I'm big doesn't mean I can't be an intellectual.  Plato was a pro wrestler, you know[72 as a reference].'"	"that Plato had been a professional wrestler prior to becoming a philosopher"	a number
"library/museum/door/doorway" or "Great Library" or "Great Museum"	"The bouncer perks up.  You can tell he's about to get to give his very favorite speech. 'There are,' he says, 'two conditions under which you may enter the Great Museum; first, you can defeat me in combat, or, second, you can bring me an item that will advance the Museum's scholarship.  If I may,' he adds, looking at your frame, 'I would suggest the second to you.'"	"you can either defeat him in combat or bring him an item that enhances the Museum's collections"	--
"item/scholarship/object/collection/collections"	"'We're particularly in need of religious objects, particularly from monotheistic societies,' the bouncer notes."	"the Museum could use religious items from monotheistic cultures"	--
"Syra"	"'It was difficult to get past the nose, but so worth it when you did.'"	"he found Syra attractive despite her nose"	--
"#fake1"	"'I think we have something like that in the collection already.'"	"he thinks the Library might have something similar to the jagged papyrus"	--
"combat/fight"	"'If you really want to fight, just swing first.  I'll be ready.  I don't advise it.'"	"he invited you to swing first if you wanted to fight"	--
"#fake2"	"'Truly, a lovely piece of Jewish religious jewelry.'"	"he's very appreciative of the mezuzah"	--

Instead of throwing something at the bouncer, try attacking the bouncer.
Instead of kicking the bouncer, try attacking the bouncer.
Before attacking the bouncer for the first time:
	say "The bouncer catches both your wrists in one meaty hand.  'I admire your spirit, but consider this your one and only warning.'";
	stop the action.
Before attacking the bouncer for the third time:
	say "'How persistent of you,' grouses the bouncer."
Before attacking the bouncer for the sixth time:
	say "'I am losing my patience with you,' notes the bouncer, ominously."
Instead of attacking the bouncer for the seventh time:
	say "The bouncer shakes his head, and this time brings his cudgel down on your skull with killing force.";
	end the story saying "You have been bludgeoned to death".
	
instead of attacking the bouncer:
	say "With easy grace, the bouncer sidesteps your attack, raps you smartly on the head with his cudgel, and dumps you into the street.";
	move the player to By the Museum.
	
Before going east in Museum Antechamber:
	if the bouncer is not handled
	begin;
		say "The bouncer blocks your way.  'Ask me about the Great Library and I'll tell you what you need to do to get past me,' he says cheerily.  'But you have to ask.'";
		stop the action;
	end if.
	
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, buggering, kissing, or wanking off the enormous bouncer:
	say "'You're not my type,' the bouncer brusquely informs you.".
	
Chapter Two - "The Great Library"

Section One - "The Room"

The Great Library is east from the Museum Antechamber.  "The Library is a high-ceilinged, airy structure[38 as a footnote], filled with immensely tall cabinets of cubbyholes, accessible via ladders, wheeled at the top, which roll along rails atop each cabinet.  In each cubbyhole rests a papyrus scroll.  Greek slaves scurry up and down the ladders, retrieving and replacing scrolls for the scholars working at tables below.  A huge curved marble counter is directly in front of you.  Behind it stands an older woman wearing the traditional garb of the librarian, overseeing the hustle and bustle of the researchers with a tight-lipped smile and an air of unshakeable competence.  Galleries of wonders stretch north, east, and south; the library exit is west."

Instead of going east in the Great Library, try going north.   Instead of going south in the Great Library, try going north.  Instead of going north in the Great Library:
	say "You wander for some time amidst the cabinets and cases of the library, seeing wonders,[run paragraph on]";
	if the number of rows in the Table of Roman Occurrences is greater than 1
	begin;
		choose a random row in the Table of Wonders;
		if the description entry is not "placeholder"
		begin;
			say " including [description entry],[run paragraph on]";
			blank out the whole row;
		end if;
	end if;
	say " before eventually returning exhausted to the reference desk."
Instead of going up in the Great Library, say "The librarian freezes you with a glance.  'The stacks are closed.  Simply inquire about what you want to study, and the appropriate volume will be brought to you.'"

Some scenery_shelves are scenery in the Great Library.  The printed name is "shelves".  The description is "Towering stacks of cubbyholes, each with a tagged scroll inside, soar towards the ceiling.  Wheeled ladders on tracks allow access to their contents, and black-clad Greek slaves with soft shoes scurry up and down in silence, fetching volumes for the scholars working below."  Understand "shelf", "shelves", "stack", "stacks", "cubbyhole", "cubbyholes", "papyrus", "rail", "rails", "track", "tracks", "cabinet", "cabinets", "scrolls", "scroll", "tag", "tagged", "ladder", "ladders", "wheel", "wheels", "volume", "volumes", "bookshelf", and "bookshelves" as the scenery_shelves.  Instead of climbing the scenery_shelves, try going up.

Some greek_slaves are scenery in the Great Library.  They are people.  The printed name is "slaves".  The description is "Black-clad Greeks swarm up and down the ladders, retrieving and replacing books with ruthless efficiency."  They are unspeakable.  The default reply of the greek_slaves is "A slave turns toward you, opens his mouth, and indicates that his tongue has been cut out.  The librarian notes, drily, 'It doesn't do to talk in libraries, you see.'"  Understand "Greek", "slaves", "slave", "black", "clad", "black-clad", "soft", "soft-shoed", "shoes" and "shelvers" as the greek_slaves.

Some scenery_scholars are scenery in the Great Library.  They are people.  The printed name is "scholars".  The description is "Ink-covered scholars work, heads-down, at dozens of tables on the library floor." Understand "scholar", "scholars", "ink", "stained", "covered", "ink-covered", "dozens", "table", "tables", and "floor" as the scenery_scholars.  They are unspeakable.  The default reply of the scenery_scholars is "The librarian shushes you before you can get as much as a syllable out.  'Do not disturb the scholars,' she admonishes."

Some scenery_galleries are scenery in the Great Library.  The description is "Halls full of cases containing wonders stretch off to the north, east, and west."  The printed name is "galleries".  Understand "hall", "halls", "gallery", "galleries", "case", and "cases" as scenery_galleries.

The marble counter is scenery in the Great Library.  The description is "The huge, gently-curved counter is fashioned from purple marble, polished to a mirror sheen."  Understand "huge", "purple", "curved", "gently", "gently-curved", "mirror", "sheen", "shiny", and "polished", "desk", and "reference desk" as the marble counter.  It is a supporter.

Before going west in the Great Library:
	if the ragged papyrus is held, instead say "A delicate cough from the librarian freezes you in your tracks.  'I believe,' she says icily, 'that that ragged papyrus fragment belongs to the Library.'";
	if the stained piece of papyrus is held, instead say "The librarian stops you.  'Half of that papyrus is ours.  However, if you give it to me, I'll make you a copy, which will be yours to keep.'".

[* The crystal bowl is in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York.  ]
Table of Wonders
description
"placeholder"
"the skeleton of a two-headed elephant"
"a small geared clockwork model of the cosmos"
"stones[emdash]boulders, really[emdash]from the craw of the Mweru Bird"
"a gorgeous crystal bowl from an Assyrian empire 4000 years dead"
"a sandstone Mesopotamian sphinx, with the body of a winged lion and the bearded head of a man"
"row upon row of mummies in gaudily ornate cases"
"a collection of coins from the reign of Tarquinius Superbus"
"strange oblong leather shields carried by black-skinned warriors far up the Nile"
"coins from far away with square holes in their centers"

Section Two - "The Librarian"

The librarian is a woman in the Great Library.  She is scenery.  The description of the librarian is "The librarian is an older woman with thin, tightly-pursed lips and gray hair drawn back into a severe bun.  Her right arm is slightly cocked, as if ready to leap into a full-blown 'shush' at any moment.  She stands behind the marble counter with an air of ineffable command."  The indefinite article of the librarian is "the".  The default reply of the librarian is "The librarian shushes you with icy finality."  The conversation of the librarian is the Table of Librarian's Chatter.  Understand "Nancy", "Pearl", "reference", "old", "older", and "woman" as the librarian.

The librarian's hair is part of the librarian.  The description is "Her hair is drawn back into a tight, steely gray bun."  Understand "tight", "steely", "gray", "severe", and "bun" as the librarian's hair.  Instead of touching, rubbing, or kissing the librarian's hair, try kissing the librarian.

The librarian's lips are part of the librarian.  The description is "It looks as though her thin lips have not varied their position, save for slight upwards or downwards twitches of the corners, in decades."  Understand "lip", "thin", "tightly", "pursed", "tightly-pursed", and "mouth" as the librarian's lips.  Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, or kissing the librarian's lips, try kissing the librarian.

The librarian's arm is part of the librarian.  The description is "It twitches every so often, as if ready to shush of its own accord."  Understand "twitch", "twitching", "twitichy", and "right" as the librarian's arm.

The librarian's garb is worn by the librarian.  The description is "The traditional drab dark blue tunic.  You can't see her shoes, as they are hidden by the counter, but you're sure they are eminently sensible."  Understand "traditional", "drab", "dark", "blue", "dark-blue", "tunic", and "sensible" as the librarian's garb. 

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, buggering, kissing, or wanking off the librarian, say "The librarian merely regards you with a bone-chilling, icy glare." 

Instead of giving or showing the ragged papyrus to the librarian:
	say "The librarian accepts the papyrus fragment from you.  'Very well,' she says.  'I'll leave it here at the reference desk for a while, in case you want to consult it again.'";
	move the ragged papyrus to the marble counter.
	
Instead of giving or showing the jagged papyrus to the librarian:
	if the ragged papyrus is off-stage
	begin;
		say "The librarian peers at the papyrus.  'I think,' she says, 'we may just have the other half of that.'";
		consider the getting-papyrus rule;
	otherwise;
		if the ragged papyrus is held by the player
		begin;
			say "'Yes, it's the other half of the fragment I gave to you already.'";
		otherwise;
			remove the ragged papyrus from play;
			remove the jagged papyrus from play;
			now the stained piece of papyrus is held by the player; 
			really have the parser notice the stained piece of papyrus;
			say "The librarian deftly fits the two halves of the papyrus together and looks very pleased with herself.  She hands you the repaired sheet.";
		end if;
	end if.
	
Instead of giving or showing the stained piece of papyrus to the librarian:
	say "The librarian says 'I shall have a copy made forthwith.'  She beckons to a black-clad slave, and in just a few minutes, she presents you with a clean copy of the rejoined papyrus fragment.";
	remove the stained piece of papyrus from play;
	really have the parser notice the clean piece of papyrus;
	move the clean piece of papyrus to the player.

Before asking the librarian about something:
	if the topic understood matches "papyrus/scroll/book/volume/ragged/jagged/piece/paper", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "ragged papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "jagged papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "piece of paper", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "piece of papyrus", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "Jupiter/Virilis", replace the topic understood with "#fake2";
	if the topic understood matches "Jupiter Virilis", replace the topic understood with "#fake2";
	if the topic understood matches "#fake2" and the librarian is warned_about, replace the topic understood with "#fake3";
	if the topic understood matches "golden banana", replace the topic understood with "#fake4";
	if the topic understood matches "golden banana of discord", replace the topic understood with "#fake4";
	if the topic understood matches "banana/golden/discord", replace the topic understood with "#fake4";
	if the topic understood matches "#fake4"
	begin;
		if the ragged papyrus is off-stage
		begin;
			if the location of the stained piece of papyrus has been a room
			begin;
				if the location of the clean piece of papyrus has been a room
				begin;
					say "The librarian says 'I already made you a copy of the rejoined papyrus[if the clean piece of papyrus is not visible].  Not my fault that you lost it[end if].'";
				otherwise;
					say "The librarian says 'I believe the papyrus has been rejoined.'";
				end if;
				stop the action;
			otherwise;
				say "The librarian says, 'Yes, I believe we have a fragment relating to the Golden Banana.'";
				consider the getting-papyrus rule;
				stop the action;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.


Table of Librarian's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Syra"	"'One of the most well-travelled, as it were, women of her[emdash]or indeed any[emdash]age."	"Syra gets around"	a number
"librarian/herself/nancy/pearl/reference" or "nancy pearl" or "reference librarian"	"'I am the reference librarian currently on duty.  It is my sacred trust to answer questions the library's patrons might have, and to keep the peace within its walls.'"	"she will answer questions from library patrons"	--
"#fake1"	"'We have,' she points out, 'quite a few volumes here.  Could you perhaps suggest a topic?'"	"you need to be more specific when asking her about a scroll"	--
"Scotland/Gostakia/Gostak/Hibernia"	"'A cold, bare, and barren land of rain and snow.'"	"Scotland is cold and barren"	--
"Baldanders"	"'A great chief of the Gostak people.'"	"Baldanders is a Gostak chief"	--
"Rome"	"'The seat of temporal power.  Caesar's home, and close to yours.'"	"Rome is the center of political power"	--
"Ostia"	"'Ostia is your family's hometown.  It is the principal port of Rome.'"	"Ostia is your hometown and Rome's port"	--
"Julia"	"'She's a well-born child of a good Roman family.'"	"Julia is high-born"		--
"#fake2"		"'The god Jupiter, in his aspect as Inseminator and Progenitor.'"		"Jupiter Virilis is the Inseminator"	--
"Caesar/Julius/Gaius" or "Gaius Julius Caesar" or "Julius Caesar"	"'Probably the most powerful man in the word right now.'"	"Caesar is the most powerful man in the world"	--
"#fake4"		"NOTSAID"		"she gave you a papyrus fragment referring to the banana."	--
"Eris/Discordia"	"'Goddess of strife.'"	"Eris is the Goddess of strife"	--
"date"	"The librarian lets the corners of her mouth turn up the tiniest bit.  'Is your arm broken?  Get it yourself[75 as a reference].'"	"she suggested you beat off rather than date her"	--
"copy"	"'If you provide us with a new document, we'll give you a copy of the original for no charge.'"	"if you give a document to the library, you get a copy."	--
"mweru bird" or "roc/mweru"	"'The Mweru bird and the roc are the same thing: a giant bird large enough to eat whales and elephants.  Contrary to popular belief, it resembles a canary more than a vulture or an eagle'"	"the Mewru bird and the roc are identical, and enormous"	--
"oracle/prophet/sybil/cumae/cumaean" or "cumaean sybil"	"'The Cumaean Sybil is the best-known, best-respected, and most beloved of the oracles.  It is said that she was granted everlasting life without accompanying youth, and now exists only as a withered thing in a bottle.'"	"the Cumaean Sybil is the best-respected of the prophets"	--
"#fake3"		"'Jupiter the Inseminator favors you.'"	"you are favored by Jupiter Virilis"	--
"Madame/Sosostris/fortuneteller/fortune-teller" or "Madame Sosostris"	"'Madame Sosostris is a famous clairvoyante who practices in Carthage; she's also said to be a raging alcoholic.'"	"Madame Sosostris is a fortune-teller in Carthage who drinks too much"	--
"me/myself/Mentula/Macanus/Stiffy/Macane/Lucius" or "Stiffy Makane" or "Mentula Macanus" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula"	"'As the Delphic Oracle might say, [italic type]know thyself[roman type],' she smiles."	"she either told you that you needed to discover your own nature, or she told you to go fuck yourself, and you don't know which"	--
"Cleopatra/queen/pharoah/Cleo"	"'Cleopatra has proven a wise and benevolent ruler, who has graciously funded the Great Museum.'"	"Cleopatra has funded the Museum well"	--
"Alexander/mummy" or "Alexander the Great"	"'Alexander is interred in the Soma Mausoleum in the palace.  Her Majesty can grant you a viewing of his mummy, if approached with the proper deference.'"	"Alexander is buried in the palace; Cleopatra controls access to the tomb"	--
"tallis"	"'The tallis is the traditional prayer shawl of the Jews.'"	"a tallis is a prayer shawl"	--
"mezuzah"	"'A mezuzah is a case, traditionally affixed on door-posts, containing the [italic type]Shema Israel[roman type] prayer, and providing protection for the inhabitants.'"	"the mezuzah is affixed to entryways to protect the inhabitants"	--
"klaf"		"'The klaf is the parchment inside the mezuzah on which the prayer is written.'"	"a klaf is the parchment on which the prayer inside the mezuzah is written"	--
"Glub"	"'Ooh, that's a tricky one,' the librarian says, smiling broadly.  'Glub is a minor, possibly apocryphal, deity, said to live in the sewers of Ostia.  His portfolio is, basically, sewage.'"	"Glub is known to her as a sewage god in Ostia"	--
"Serapis"	"'Serapis is one of the patron gods of Alexandria.  He's often identified with Pluto, god of the underworld.  There's a big temple to him in our Greek quarter.  You should visit it if you have not already.'"	"Serapis is often identified with Pluto, and his temple in Alexandria is a major one"	--
"Lighthouse/Pharos" or "Great Lighthouse" or "Pharos Lighthouse"	"'The Pharos Lighthouse is one of the wonders of the world.  The view from the top is spectacular.'"	"the lighthouse is worth a visit"	--
"Jorge/Luis/Borges" or "Jorge Luis Borges"	"'I think he's one of the librarians in Babel.  He doesn't work here.'"	"Borges works for the Library of Babel"		--
"Babel"	"'Babel?  I don't know anything about Babel,' the librarian claims, looking shifty.  'Maybe you mean Babylon.'"	"she doesn't want to talk about Babel"	--
"Babylon"		"'Babylon's a long way to the east.  Not much happening there this century.'"	"nothing much is happening in Babylon this century"	--
"Nineveh"		"'Nineveh was destroyed centuries ago.'"	"Nineveh has been ruins for centuries"		--
"Tarshish"	"'No one knows where Tarshish is or was.'"	"Tarshish's location is unknown"	--
"Jonah"		"'One of the Jews' holy writings is about a man called Jonah.  Their god[emdash]Yahweh[emdash]told him to go to Nineveh and preach its destruction, Jonah attempts to flee instead, Yahweh calls up a storm, the crew tosses him overboard, he's swallowed by a whale.  He repents for his disobedience, the whale vomits him up onto dry land, and he goes and preaches as he was supposed to.'"	"Jonah and attempted disobedience to Yahweh and was eaten by a whale"	--
"whale/leviathan/whales/leviathans"	"'Whales are said to be among the favored foods of the Mweru Bird, along with hippos.  Also, Yahweh had Jonah swallowed by one.'"	"the Mweru Bird eats whales; Yahweh caused Jonah to be swallowed by a whale"	--
"hippo/hippopotamus/hippopotami"	"'The Mweru Bird is said to enjoy eating hippopotami nearly as much as it likes eating whales.'"	"the Mweru Bird eats hippopotami"	--
"Archimedes"	"'Archimedes was one of the greatest engineers of the Hellenistic world; he was a great geometer and a prolific inventor.  Unfortunately, one of your soldiers struck him down more than a century and a half ago.'"	"Archimedes was a great engineer, killed by the Romans"	--
"pirate/pirates/piracy"	"The Mediterranean, alas, is infested with pirates, who make travel hazardous."	"the Mediterranean is full of pirates"	--
"Mediterranean" or "Mediterranean Sea" or "Mare Nostrum"	"The Mediterranean is the glue that binds the Roman world."	"the Roman world is held together by the Mediterranean"	--
"Vergil/Virgil/Publius/Vergilius/Maro" or "Publius Vergilius Maro"	"She smiles slightly.  'A minor poet, of very little repute, living near Mantua.'"	"Vergil is a minor Mantuan poet"	--
"Eugenides" or "Mr Eugenides" or "smyrna merchant" or "Mister Eugenides"	"The librarian looks disapproving.  'Eugenides is a lecherous merchant from Smyrna; he deals largely in dried fruit.'"	"Eugenides is a fruit-trader from Smyrna"	--
"hotel/Metropole" or "Hotel Metropole"	"'The Metropole pretends to be a grand resort, but it is a fleabag.'"	"the Metropole is a very shabby hotel"	--
"Library/Museum/Great/Alexandria/Egypt" or "Great Library" or "Great Museum"	"'Although the city may have declined in recent centuries, it is still,' she preens, 'home to the greatest collection of knowledge assembled in the world.'"	"Alexandria is not what it once was, but still boasts the Great Library"	--
"Thessalonica"	"'Ugh.  Provincial town full of rustics and yokels.'"	"she bears no love for Thessalonica"	--
"Olympus" or "Mount Olympus" or "Mt Olympus"	"'The gods live atop Olympus; the ascent is steep and frigid.  Not recommended for the non-suicidal.'"	"the ascent of Olympus is hard and cold"	--
"Litochoro"	"'Litochoro is a tiny town at the foot of Olympus.'"	"Litochoro is a hamlet at the base of Mt. Olympus"	--
"Cerberus"	"'The three-headed dog that guards the underworld, about the size of an elephant.'"	"Cerberus guards the underworld and is the size of an elephant"	--
"Carthage"	"'Carthage has not recovered from the Punic Wars.  Sad, really.'"	"Carthage has never recovered from its crushing defeat"	--






This is the getting-papyrus rule:
	if the ragged papyrus is not off-stage, stop the action;
	choose row with reply of "NOTSAID" in the Table of Librarian's Chatter;
	if there is no turn stamp entry, now turn stamp entry is the turn count;
	say "She turns to a black-clad slave, says something, and the man scurries up a ladder, nimble as a monkey, returning with a scrap of paper.  She glances at it, smiles, and hands it to you.";
	move the ragged papyrus to the player.

Part Three - "Temple of Serapis"

The Temple of Serapis is south from the Canopic Way.  "This is the largest of all the temples in the Greek quarter.  It's really quite impressive.  A marble statue of the god dominates the interior; worshippers throng around." [ Instead of going outside in the Temple of Serapis, try going north. ] Canopic Way is outside from The Temple of Serapis.

The statue of Serapis is scenery in the Temple of Serapis.  "Serapis is identified with Pluto, and it's easy to see why: he's heavily-muscled, with a full beard.  He's got a basket on his head, he carries a sceptre, a three-headed dog sits next to him, and there's a snake around the statue's base."  Understand "stone", "marble", "beard", "full", "snake", "serpent", "base", and "sceptre" as the statue of Serapis.  Instead of touching, fucking, pushing, pulling, rubbing, wanking off, tasting, or kissing the statue, say "Worshippers throng too closely around the statue for you to touch it."  

The scenery_basket is scenery in the Temple of Serapis.  Understand "basket", "fetching", "hat", "grain", "measure", and "modius" as the scenery_basket.  The printed name is "basket".  The description is "It's a basket, called a [italic type]modius[roman type], used for measuring grain.  It's also a symbol of Hades for the Greeks.  It makes a fetching hat."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_basket, say "It's out of reach."

The scenery_cerberus is scenery in the Temple of Serapis.  The printed name is "Cerberus".  The description is "Cerberus is a three-headed dog who guards the Land of the Dead.  If the god is roughly human-sized (the statue is about twelve feet high), then Cerberus is only the size of, well, a big dog.  The poets have made it sound as if the actual dog is much, much bigger."  Understand "dog", "three", "three-headed", "Cerberus", and "hound" as the scenery_cerberus.  Instead of touching, wanking off, kissing, pushing, pulling, tasting, or rubbing the scenery_cerberus, try touching the statue of Serapis.

Some worshippers are men in the Temple of Serapis.  They are scenery.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "man", "men", "woman", "women", "worshipper", "postulant", and "postulants" as the worshippers.  The default reply of the worshippers is "The worshippers are too engaged in their devotion to the god to speak to you."  The worshippers are unspeakable.  Instead of attacking or fucking the worshippers, say "Violence within temples is generally frowned upon."  The description is "Men and women pay homage to Serapis."

Book Two - "The Palace"

Part One - "Cleopatra's Palace"

Palace Grounds is a region.  Cleopatra's Palace, Soma Mausoleum, Cleopatra's Throne Room, and Cleopatra's Boudoir are in Palace Grounds.

Chapter One - "The Palace Proper"

Cleopatra's Palace is a room.  It is east of the Great Harbor.  The description is "This is the Palace of Cleopatra, latest in the line of Ptolemies, successors to the ancient dynasties of the Pharoahs.  Papyriform columns support a high sandstone ceiling.  The Soma Mausoleum, where Alexander the Great's body is entombed, is to the east, steps descending to the crypt, while to the north scarlet silks frame the entrance to a small, brightly-lit throne room."  Great Harbor is outside from Cleopatra's Palace.

Some papyriform columns are scenery in Cleopatra's Palace.  "These columns are carved to look like very, very large stalks of papyrus."  Understand "papyrus", "stone", "sandstone", "stalk", "stalks", and "papyrus" as the papyriform columns.  Instead of pushing or pulling the papyriform columns, say "Samson, you're not."  Instead of rubbing, touching, or wanking off the papyriform columns, say "The columns fail to excite you in that special way."

The high sandstone ceiling is a backdrop in Cleopatra's Palace.  "The ceiling is made of tan sandstone, and it is quite far above you."  Understand "tan" and "stone" as the high sandstone ceiling.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the high sandstone ceiling, say "It's far out of your reach."  It is in Palace Grounds.

Some scarlet silks are scenery in Cleopatra's Palace.  "Scarlet silk banners drape the entrance to the palace's throne room."  Understand "red", "banner", and "banners" as the scarlet silks.  Instead of taking the scarlet silks, say "They are securely attached to the walls."  Instead of searching or looking under the scarlet silks, say "There are no rats behind the arras."  Instead of touching or rubbing the scarlet silks, say "The silky texture is delightful.  You ruefully concede that there is insufficient privacy to, er, adequately assess the texture of the silks."  
Instead of fucking the scarlet silks:
	if the stiffycock is not visible
	begin;
		say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	otherwise;
		try rubbing the scarlet silks;
	end if.

The scenery_soma is scenery in Cleopatra's Palace.  The description is "The Mausoleum is visible to the east, a purplish cubical porphyry structure."  Understand "soma", "mausoleum", "porphyry", "cubical", "cube", "purple", "purplish", "brown", "brownish", "brown-purple", "structure", "tomb", and "building" as the scenery_soma.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_soma, say "It's too far away."  The printed name is "Soma Mausoleum".  It is proper-named.

Chapter Two - "Soma Mausoleum"

Section One - "Furnishings"

Soma Mausoleum is a room.  It is east of Cleopatra's Palace.   It is down from Cleopatra's Palace.  Cleopatra's Palace is outside from Soma Mausoleum.  The description of Soma Mausoleum is "Alexander's sarcophagus, a huge purple porphyry coffin, dominates the room.  It is [if the sarcophagus is closed]firmly closed[otherwise]open, revealing the mummified corpse of Alexander the Great himself[end if].  Stairs ascend to the west."

The sarcophagus is a container in Soma Mausoleum.  It is fixed in place.  It is scenery.  The sarcophagus can be closed.  It is closed.  The sarcophagus can be openable.  It is openable.  The sarcophagus can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Understand "heavy", "stone", "lid", "purple", "porphyry", "huge", "tomb", "grave", "coffin", and "sepulcher" as the sarcophagus.  Instead of pushing, pulling, opening, or closing the sarcophagus, say "The lid is much too heavy for you to budge."  The description of the sarcophagus is "The sarcophagus, a rich purple in color, is perhaps ten feet long by four feet high by five feet wide.  [if the sarcophagus is closed]Its heavy stone lid seals it shut[otherwise]The lid has been moved to one side and leans against the side of the coffin[end if]."  The indefinite article of the sarcophagus is "the".

Instead of going inside when the location is Soma Mausoleum and the sarcophagus is open and the player is not in the sarcophagus: try entering the sarcophagus.

Instead of going down when the location is Soma Mausoleum and the sarcophagus is open and the player is not in the sarcophagus: try entering the sarcophagus.

Instead of going up when the player is in the sarcophagus: try exiting.

Section Two - "Alexander"

Alexander the Great's mummified corpse is a thing.  It is in the sarcophagus.  Alexander the Great's mummified corpse can be male.  It is male.  The description of the mummified corpse is "The corpse is dry and dessicated, wrapped in bandages (which seem to have a rather embarassing hole).  Where exposed, the leathery skin is pallid green.  Alexander was surprisingly short and slight."  Check taking the mummified corpse: instead try fucking the mummified corpse.  Instead of smelling the mummified corpse, say "The corpse smells of sun-baked dust."  Understand "Alexander", "bandages", "mummy", "Great", "pallid", "dry", "dessicated", "dust", "dusty", "leather", and "leathery" as the mummified corpse.   Instead of fucking the mummified corpse, try fucking Alexander's anus.  Instead of kissing, rubbing, touching, wanking off, sucking, tasting, blowing, or eating the mummified corpse, say "Ick.  Also pointless, since he's dead."  Instead of searching the mummified corpse, say "The bandages wrap the corpse tightly, except for a roughly-torn hole just over Alexander's anus.  Some people have no respect for the dead."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the mummified corpse when the player is not in the sarcophagus: say "You'd have to get into the sarcophagus to manipulate the body."  Instead of looking under the mummified corpse, try searching the mummified corpse.

Rule for printing the name of the mummified corpse while listing contents: say "Alexander's dessicated corpse".

Alexander's anus is an anus.  It is a part of the Alexander the Great's mummified corpse.  It is scenery.  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Alexander's anus: yes.  The description of Alexander's anus is "There is a roughly-torn hole in Alexander's bandages, just over his anus.  Some people evidently have no respect for the dead."  Understand "rough", "roughly", "torn", "roughly-torn", and "hole" as Alexander's anus.  Instead of inserting the stiffycock into Alexander's anus, try fucking Alexander's anus.  Instead of buggering Alexander's anus, try fucking Alexander's anus.  Instead of kissing, rubbing, wanking off, sucking, tasting, blowing, or eating Alexander's anus, try kissing Alexander.  Check taking Alexander's anus: instead try fucking Alexander's anus.  Instead of inserting the toga into Alexander's anus, say "It's a toga, not a thong.  There's not even remotely enough room."  Instead of touching Alexander's anus, say "Your fingers encounter nothing, but the hole is deeper than they are long."  Instead of smelling Alexander's anus, try smelling the mummified corpse.

Instead of searching Alexander's anus:
	if Alexander's anus does not contain anything
	begin;
		say "You cram two fingers as far as they will go into Alexander's anus, [run paragraph on]"; 
		if the mummified corpse is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "and you can just feel something sharp and crinkly.  You can't quite get a grip on it, though.";
		otherwise;
			say "but encounter nothing.";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		let o be a random thing in Alexander's anus;
		say "Your questing fingers encounter [a o], which you fling to the floor of the sarcophagus.";
		move o to the sarcophagus;
	end if.
	
Instead of fucking Alexander's anus:
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	if the mummified corpse is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "You glance around furtively, and smack your dick to full erection and ram it home in the anus of Alexander the Great.  [run paragraph on]";
		if Alexander's anus does not contain anything
		begin;
			say "It's really not too bad.  A few minutes later, you're getting very much into the rhythm of things, and you grab Alexander's bony hips and thrust forward to deliver your orgasm.";
			say "[line break]Three things happen.  First, there's a nasty cracking sound from his pelvis.  Second, you sigh as a torrent of sperm escapes its confinement.  Third, [bold type]EEAGH PAPERCUT[roman type]!";
			say "[line break]You withdraw, clutching your wounded penis, and a scrap of papyrus flutters to the floor of the coffin.";
			record "Alexander the Great's corpse" as achieved;
			now the mummified corpse is warned_about;
			move the jagged papyrus fragment to the sarcophagus;
		otherwise;
			let o be a random thing in Alexander's anus;
			say "Your cock slams into something obstructing Alexander's anal passage.  It's hard to be sure, but it feels like [a o].  That sure killed the mood.";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		say "The memory of paper cuts dissuades you.";
	end if.

Section Three - "Papyrus"

To say r1:
	say "[paragraph break][fixed letter spacing]    e Sacred Grove of the Perfumed Jungles[line break] uld be the work of many years: travel the[line break]  onfluence of the Blue and White.  Thence[line break]    swamp, lakes, jungle, to its uttermost[line break]  re into the western mountains, and there[line break]   rove in a gate made from elephant ribs.[line break]                                          [line break]       nest of the great Mweru bird, which[line break]           ll journey up the Nile in but a[line break]   the [run paragraph on]".
To say r2:
	say "Mweru bird catches Leviathan in the[line break]         to devour it; and if it catches a[line break]             ake it to the sea to salt it.[line break]                                          [line break]  en cross the stream on the footbridge to[line break]          then swim the lake to the north.[line break]     or the western shore, but stay to the[line break]            n with neither a coconut nor a[line break]         , turn to the east and follow the[line break]    may sieze the Propitious Plantain, but[line break]          the tree [run paragraph on]".
To say r3:
	say "must stand naked before[line break]            the tree see a man's buttocks,[line break]          r vicious fury spells sure doom.[variable letter spacing][paragraph break]".
	
The jagged papyrus fragment is a supporter.  It is portable.  Understand "right", "scrap", "piece", "edge", "stain", "paper", "stains", "stained", "edged", "jagged-edged" as the jagged papyrus fragment.  The description is "This appears to be the right half of a stained piece of papyrus.  On it appears the following:[r1][r2][r3]".  Instead of putting something on the jagged papyrus fragment, say "Putting things on the jagged papyrus fragment would achieve nothing."  Instead of putting the jagged papyrus fragment on the ragged papyrus fragment:
	say "You fit the edges of the papyrus fragments together to make a single piece.";
	remove the jagged papyrus fragment from play;
	remove the ragged papyrus fragment from play;
	now the piece of papyrus is held by the player.
	
Instead of smelling the jagged papyrus fragment, say "Fortunately, given its provenance, the papyrus fragment smells only of ancient dust."  Instead of sucking the jagged papyrus fragment, say "One papercut on a sensitive part was plenty."

Instead of rolling the jagged papyrus fragment, consider the papyrus-rolling rule.

After examining the jagged papyrus fragment, now the jagged papyrus fragment is warned_about.

This is the papyrus-rolling rule:
	If the weed is not enclosed by the player, instead say "You roll the papyrus into a tight cylinder, which instantly springs back again as soon as you release it.";
	say "You suspect the papyrus has a use besides rolling paper."

[ This piece is found in the library]
To say l1:
	say "[paragraph break][fixed letter spacing]The Golden Banana is found in th[line break]of Kled. To reach it by boat wo[line break]Nile past the Cataracts to the c[line break]up the White through desert,[line break]source. Journey afoot from the[line break]find the entry to the [run paragraph on]";
To say l2:
	say "Sacred G[line break][line break]The Grove's gate is home to the [line break]could carry a whale in its claws and sti[line break]single day.  It is said that if [line break]sea, it will take it to its nest[line break]river-horse near its nest, it will t[line break][line break]From the gate, go west twice, th[line break]the south.  Crest the western hill, and [line break]Stray neither to the eastern n[line break]middle [run paragraph on]";
	
To say l3:
	say "of the lake.  Appease the Guardia[line break]melon, but a cane.  At the north shore[line break]track to the Grove.  There you [line break]beware: he who plucks the fruit from[line break]the gods, but if the devils who guard [line break]they are greatly angered, and thei[variable letter spacing][paragraph break]".

[And you get the whole piece by putting the two fragments together]
The ragged papyrus fragment is a supporter.  It is portable.  Understand "left", "scrap", "piece", "edge", "stain", "paper", "stains", "stained", "edged", "ragged-edged" as the ragged papyrus fragment.  The description is "This appears to be the left half of a stained piece of papyrus.  On it appears the following:[l1][l2][l3]".  Instead of putting something on the ragged papyrus fragment, say "Putting things on the ragged papyrus fragment would achieve nothing."  Instead of putting the ragged papyrus fragment on the jagged papyrus fragment, try putting the jagged papyrus fragment on the ragged papyrus fragment.

Instead of smelling the ragged papyrus fragment, say "To a first approximation, it has no smell at all."  Instead of sucking the ragged papyrus fragment, say "You don't need a papercut on your tongue."

Instead of rolling the ragged papyrus fragment, consider the papyrus-rolling rule.

After examining the ragged papyrus fragment, now the ragged papyrus fragment is warned_about.

The stained piece of papyrus is a thing.  Understand "stains", "stained", "sheet", and "paper" as the stained piece of papyrus.  The description is "On this stained sheet of papyrus is written:[w1][w2][w3][w4][w5]".  After examining the stained piece of papyrus: 
	now the stained piece of papyrus is warned_about;
	now the jagged papyrus fragment is warned_about;
	now the ragged papyrus fragment is warned_about.

Instead of smelling the stained piece of papyrus, say "The papyrus smells of ancient dust."  Instead of sucking the stained piece of papyrus, say "You don't need a papercut on your tongue."

Instead of rolling the stained piece of papyrus, consider the papyrus-rolling rule.

The clean piece of papyrus is a thing.  Understand "clean", "sheet", and "paper" as the clean piece of papyrus. The description is "On this clean sheet of papyrus is written:[w1][w2][w3][w4][w5]".  After examining the clean piece of papyrus: 
	now the stained piece of papyrus is warned_about; [Not a typo.  The marker travels with the stained piece.]
	now the ragged papyrus fragment is warned_about;
	now the jagged papyrus fragment is warned_about.

Instead of smelling the clean piece of papyrus, say "To a first approximation, the papyrus has no smell at all."  Instead of sucking the clean piece of papyrus, say "You don't need a papercut on your tongue."


Instead of rolling the clean piece of papyrus, consider the papyrus-rolling rule.

To say w1:
	say "[paragraph break][fixed letter spacing]The Golden Banana is found in the Sacred Grove of the Perfumed Jungles[line break]of Kled. To reach it by boat would be the work of many years: travel the[line break]Nile past the Cataracts to the confluence of the Blue and White.  Thence[line break]up the White through desert, swamp, lakes, jungle, to its [run paragraph on]".
To say w2:
	say "uttermost[line break]source. Journey afoot from there into the western mountains, and there[line break]find the entry to the Sacred Grove in a gate made from elephant ribs.[line break][line break]The Grove's gate is home to the nest of the great Mweru bird, which[line break]could carry a whale in its claws and still journey up the Nile in but [run paragraph on]".
	
To say w3:
	say "a[line break]single day.  It is said that if the Mweru bird catches Leviathan in the[line break]sea, it will take it to its nest to devour it; and if it catches a[line break]river-horse near its nest, it will take it to the sea to salt it.[line break][line break]From the gate, go west twice, then cross the stream on the footbridge [run paragraph on]".
	
To say w4:
	say "to[line break]the south.  Crest the western hill, and then swim the lake to the north.[line break]Stray neither to the eastern nor the western shore, but stay to the[line break]middle of the lake.  Appease the Guardian with neither a coconut nor a[line break]melon, but a cane.  At the north shore turn to the east and follow the[line break]track to the Grove.  There you may sieze the Propitious Plantain, [run paragraph on]".
	
To say w5:
	say "but[line break]beware: he who plucks the fruit from the tree must stand naked before[line break]the gods, but if the devils who guard the tree see a man's buttocks,[line break]they are greatly angered, and their vicious fury spells sure doom.[variable letter spacing][paragraph break]".
		
Part Two - "Cleopatra"

Chapter One - "Throne Room"

Section One - "Furnishings"

Cleopatra's Throne Room is a room.  It is north of Cleopatra's Palace.  The description is "This is a small but sumptuously-decorated throne room.  The throne itself, on a raised dais, is covered in gold leaf; red and purple velvets make up most of the remaining decor.  A curtain of jewels hangs in front of a small doorway to the east, and the palace proper extends to the south."

The cleo_throne is scenery in Cleopatra's Throne Room.  It is a supporter.  The cleo_throne can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description is "The throne is a wooden chair, covered in gilt, with lion feet and carved lions[apostrophe] heads." The printed name is "Cleopatra's throne".  It is proper-named.  Understand "Cleopatra's", "throne", "gold", "lion", "lions", "wood", "wooden", "gilt", "leaf", and "chair" as the cleo_throne.  
Before entering the cleo_throne:
	if Cleopatra is in Cleopatra's Throne Room, instead say "But Cleopatra is already occupying it."

The bead curtain is an open door.  It is scenery.  It is east of Cleopatra's Throne Room and west of Cleopatra's Boudoir.  It is openable.  The description is "Semiprecious jewels and glass beads hang from strings in the doorway.  The effect is that of a shimmering curtain, providing privacy, and chiming when someone steps through it."  Understand "tinkling", "jewel", "jewels", "glass", "bead", "beads", "string", "strings", and "shimmering" as the bead curtain.  Instead of opening the bead curtain:
	if the location is Cleopatra's Throne Room, instead try going east;
	try going west.
	
The cleo_dais is scenery in Cleopatra's Throne Room.  The description is "The dais is unremarkable: gray granite, smooth but not polished."  Understand "dais", "smooth", "gray", and "granite" as the cleo_dais.  The printed name is "dais".

Before going east from Cleopatra's Throne Room:
	if Cleopatra is boinked
	begin;
		say "Cleopatra wags her finger at you.  'You can't go in there in my absence,' she warns.";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	if Cleopatra is unaroused
	begin;
		say "In a voice like ice, Cleopatra purrs, 'That's my bedroom, and you have not been invited into it.'";
		stop the action;
	otherwise;
		say "You part the beads and step through the tinkling curtain.";
	end if.
	
Section Two - "Cleopatra"

Cleopatra is a woman in Cleopatra's Throne Room.  The description is "Cleopatra is an astonishingly beautiful woman, with shoulder-length black hair with gold, beads, and jewels plaited into it.  Her eyes are a startling violet under black kohl and heavy blue eyeshadow.  [if the gown is worn by Cleopatra]She wears a green gown which exposes quite a bit of eye-popping cleavage, and[otherwise]She is resplendently naked, except for[end if] a golden bracelet in the form of a snake, which coils around her upper arm."  The initial appearance of Cleopatra is "Cleopatra lounges on her throne, regarding you with mild interest and vague amusement."  Understand "astonishing", "astonishingly", "beautiful", "pretty", "gorgeous", "queen", and "woman" as Cleopatra.  The conversation of Cleopatra is the Table of Cleopatra's Chatter.  The default reply of Cleopatra is "Cleopatra slowly blinks her gorgeous violet eyes, but says nothing."  Cleopatra has a horniness.  Cleopatra is unaroused.  Instead of smelling Cleopatra, say "She smells wonderful."  Understand "milf", "Cleo", "queen", and "pharoah" as Cleopatra.  Does the player mean doing something with cleopatra: it is likely.

Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, wanking off, touching, rubbing, kissing, or eating Cleopatra, consider the flirting-with-Cleopatra rule.  Instead of buggering Cleopatra, try fucking Cleopatra's anus.

The green silk gown is a garment worn by Cleopatra.  The description is "It's a simple olive drab silk gown, which probably cost more than your father's house.  It exposes quite a bit of cleavage."  Understand "simple", "expensive", "dress", "olive", "drab", and "olive-drab" as the green silk gown.

The golden snake bracelet is an ornament worn by Cleopatra.  The description is "The bracelet is in the form of an asp, with amethyst eyes."  Understand "amethyst", "gold", "jewel", "jeweled", and "asp" as the golden snake bracelet.

Some Cleopatra's breasts are part of Cleopatra.  They are ambiguously plural. The indefinite article is "the pair of".  The description is "[if the gown is worn by Cleopatra]You can see enough of Cleopatra's breasts to know you'd like to see more of them[otherwise]Utterly magnificent[end if]."  Understand "chest", "eye-popping", "popping", "pair of", "magnificent", "utterly", "udderly" [* Fnarr, fnarr.], "nipple", "nipples", "aureole", "aureoles", "aureola", "aureolae", "aureolas", "udder", "udders", "tits",  "breast", "cleavage", "tit", "hooters", and "hooter" as Cleopatra's breasts.  Check taking Cleopatra's breasts: instead try touching Cleopatra's breasts.  Instead of kissing Cleopatra's breasts, try sucking Cleopatra's breasts.  Instead of smelling Cleopatra's breasts, try smelling Cleopatra.  They are proper-named.

Cleopatra's anus is an anus.  The description is "[if the gown is worn by Cleopatra]It's gotta be under there somewhere[otherwise]Her pink ringpiece puckers invitingly[end if]."  Understand "pink", "ringpiece", "puckered" as Cleopatra's anus.  Instead of smelling Cleopatra's anus, say "It smells like roses.  Really."  Instead of kissing, rubbing, sucking, tasting, or eating Cleopatra's anus, try kissing Cleopatra's pussy.  Instead of inserting the stiffycock into Cleopatra's anus, try fucking Cleopatra's anus.  Instead of inserting something into Cleopatra's anus, say "Cleopatra grabs your wrist.  'Thanks,' she says, 'but I'd rather you actually did [italic type]not[roman type] put [a noun] in my ass.'"

Instead of buggering Cleopatra's anus, try fucking Cleopatra's anus.  Check taking Cleopatra's anus: try fucking Cleopatra's anus.

Instead of fucking Cleopatra's anus:
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	say "Cleopatra pulls away slightly.  'I have other plans,' she gasps.  'I want to taste you.'";
	try fucking Cleopatra's lips.

Cleopatra's pussy is a vagina.  The description is "[if the gown is worn by Cleopatra]It's gotta be under there somewhere[otherwise]Her pussy is concealed in a thick, but neatly-trimmed, thatch of black pubic hair."  Understand "musky", "intoxicating", "black", "pubic", "thatch", "curly", and "hair" as Cleopatra's pussy.   Instead of inserting the stiffycock into Cleopatra's pussy, consider the flirting-with-Cleopatra rule.  Instead of inserting something into Cleopatra's pussy, say "Cleopatra stops you.  'I don't think [a noun] is what I want in there,' she says[if the stiffycock is visible], staring at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock[end if]."  Instead of fucking Cleopatra's pussy, consider the flirting-with-Cleopatra rule.  Instead of smelling Cleopatra's pussy, say "Musky and intoxicating."  Check taking Cleopatra's pussy: instead try fucking Cleopatra.  Instead of kissing, rubbing, sucking, tasting, or eating Cleopatra's pussy:
	say "Cleopatra moans and writhes under your caresses. [run paragraph on]";
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "She gasps, 'Undress.  I want to taste you.'";
	say "She hisses, 'I want to taste you.'";
	try fucking Cleopatra's lips.

Instead of touching, rubbing, or squeezing Cleopatra's breasts:
	if the gown is worn by Cleopatra, instead say "The green silk gown is in the way.";
	consider the flirting-with-Cleopatra rule.
	
Instead of kissing, sucking, or tasting Cleopatra's breasts:
	if the gown is worn by Cleopatra, instead try touching Cleopatra's breasts;
	consider the flirting-with-Cleopatra rule.
	
Instead of fucking Cleopatra's breasts:
	if the gown is worn by Cleopatra, instead try touching Cleopatra's breasts;
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "You begin thrusting between Cleopatra's perfect breasts.  She licks her ruby-red lips, and, after a few minutes, murmurs,'I want to taste you.'";
	try fucking Cleopatra's lips.

This is the flirting-with-Cleopatra rule:
	if Cleopatra is boinked
	begin;
		say "Cleopatra smiles, but says, 'I have a kingdom to rule, you know.  Run along, now.'";
		stop the action;
	end if;	
	if Cleopatra is unaroused
	begin;
		say "Cleopatra shrugs, in an I-don't-have-anything-better-to-do-right-now sort of way, and the two of you make out for a while.  She pulls back and smiles.  'That seems pleasant enough,' she says.  'Let's adjourn to the bedroom.'  She rises from the throne and steps through the bead curtain.";
		really have the parser notice cleopatra;
		move Cleopatra to Cleopatra's Boudoir;
		now Cleopatra is horny;
		now the initial appearance of Cleopatra is "Cleopatra sprawls naked on her bed.";
		remove the green silk gown from play;
		now Cleopatra's pussy is part of Cleopatra;
		now Cleopatra's anus is part of Cleopatra;
	otherwise;
		if the stiffycock is not visible
		begin;
			say "Cleopatra raises an eyebrow quizzically.  'Aren't you a little overdressed?' she asks.";
		otherwise;
			say "Cleopatra kisses you passionately, and then guides you into her warm and wet pussy.  You thrust enthusiastically for a while, and then Cleopatra places an exquisitely-manicured hand on your testes.  'I'd like to suck you off,' she murmurs.";
			instead try fucking Cleopatra's lips;
		end if;
	end if.
		
Instead of showing the stiffycock to Cleopatra, say "Cleopatra is unimpressed, but she is slightly intrigued."
	
Cleopatra's violet eyes are a part of Cleopatra.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "You're not sure you've ever seen violet eyes before.  But there they are."  They are proper-named.
Cleopatra's blue eyeshadow is part of Cleopatra.  The description is "It's very, very heavy blue eyeshadow.  Somehow, she makes it look good."  Understand "heavy" as Cleopatra's blue eyeshadow.
Cleopatra's black kohl is part of Cleopatra.  The description is "Black kohl outlines her violet eyes."  Understand "eyeliner" as Cleopatra's black kohl.  It is proper-named.
Cleopatra's red lips are part of Cleopatra.  The description is "Her ruby-red lips are moist and luscious."  Understand "ruby", "ruby-red", "moist", "mouth", and "luscious" as Cleopatra's red lips.
Cleopatra's black hair is part of Cleopatra.  The description is "Her hair is shoulder-length, intricately braided, with gold and jewels woven into it."  Understand "shoulder", "shoulder-length", "braided", "intricate", "intricately", "gold", "golden", "braid", "jewel", and "jewels" as Cleopatra's black hair.  It is proper-named.

Instead of fucking Cleopatra's lips:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	if Cleopatra is unaroused, instead say "Cleopatra arches an eyebrow.  'Slow down there, tiger,' she says.";
	if Cleopatra is boinked, instead say "'Thanks, but I've had enough for now.'";
	say "You stand at the edge of the bed, and Cleopatra lies facing you.  She runs her tongue lightly along your frenum, and then delicately takes the head of your cock into her luscious mouth.[paragraph break]";
	say "Her eyes widen in surprise.  She pulls back off your dick, grasping your manhood in beautifully-manicured fingers.  'You...you [italic type]taste[roman type] of him!' she exclaims.  'Oh, what a sweet, sweet gift for dear Caesar to give me!'  The gorgeous eyes well with tears as she is briefly overcome with emotion.[paragraph break]";
	say "Then she really sets to work, taking your cock all the way into her throat, over and over, your balls slapping against her exquisitely-formed chin.  She kneads your buttocks with her hands.  You tense as your orgasm builds, and she suddenly drives a finger deep into your ass.  You groan as you explode inside her mouth, and after she has milked every last drop of semen from your clenching scrotum, she removes her digit and lets you sink to the floor.[paragraph break]";
	say "Cleopatra belches delicately, and then wipes her eyes with a corner of the sheet.  'Thanks,' she says.  'That was great.'  She sits up as you shakily get to your feet.  Pulling you close, she kisses you deeply and violently, shoving your own sperm into your mouth with her tongue.  Pulling back, she places a finger across your lips.  'If you see Gaius,' she whispers in your ear, 'give him [italic type]that[roman type] from me.'[paragraph break]";
	if the toga is held or the toga is in Cleopatra's Boudoir
	begin;
		now the toga is worn by the player;
		remove the stiffycock from play;
	end if;
	say "After a few minutes of desultory smalltalk, [if the toga is worn by the player]the two of you dress and[otherwise]she dresses and you both[end if] return to the throne room.";
	now Cleopatra is boinked;
	record "Cleopatra" as achieved;
	remove Cleopatra's pussy from play;
	remove Cleopatra's anus from play;
	now the green silk gown is worn by Cleopatra;
	now the initial appearance of Cleopatra is "Cleopatra lounges on her throne, regarding you fondly.";
	really have the parser notice Cleopatra;
	move Cleopatra to Cleopatra's Throne Room;
	move the player to Cleopatra's Throne Room.
	
Before asking Cleopatra about something:
	if Cleopatra is boinked
	begin;
		if the topic understood matches "Alexander/Alex/sarcophagus/coffin/tomb/mausoleum/soma/sepulcher/mummy" , replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
		if the topic understood matches "Alexander the Great", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
		if the topic understood matches "Soma Mausoleum", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
		if the topic understood matches "sex", replace the topic understood with "#fake2";
	end if;
	if the sarcophagus is closed and the topic understood matches "#fake1"
	begin;
		say "Cleopatra claps her hands twice.  An enormous Nubian enuch mumbers[33 as a footnote] into the room, bows deeply, and squeaks, 'What is your bidding, mistress?'";
		say "[line break]Cleopatra says 'This man,' nodding at you, 'desires to see Alexander's body.  Open the sarcophagus.'";
		say "[line break]'As you wish,' chirps the eunuch, abases himself before Cleopatra, and mumbers backwards (quite a sight) to the south.  After a moment, you hear the scraping of stone on stone from far away.  Cleopatra smiles beatifically.";
		now the sarcophagus is open;
	end if.

Table of Cleopatra's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Syra"	"'She may have the numeric edge on me, but I'm prettier.'"	"she is prettier than Syra"	a number
"sex"	"'Try me and find out.'"	"she is not averse to fooling around"	--
"Caesar/Julius/Gaius" or "Julius Caesar" or "Gaius Julius Caesar"	"'I miss him.   He's a sweetie.  I wish he'd come visit.'"	"she misses Caesar"	--
"Cleopatra/Cleo/herself/queen/pharoah"	"She simply smiles mysteriously."	"she is reticent about herself"	--
"Alexander/Alex/sarcophagus/coffin/tomb/mausoleum/soma/sepulcher" or "Alexander the Great" or "Soma Mausoleum"	"'Alexander the Great is buried in the mausoleum.'"	"Alexander the Great is buried in the mausoleum"	--
"Banana" or "Golden Banana" or "Golden Banana of Discord"	"She frowns.  'I've heard legends that Alexander knew where the Golden Banana was to be found.  Have you asked at the Library?'"	"she has heard that Alexander knew the Golden Banana's location, and suggested you go to the library"	--
"Library/Museum" or "Great Library"	"'It's just south of the palace.  Best in the world,' she notes with some pride."	"the Library is just south of the palace"	--
"#fake1"	"'Enjoy your visit with Alexander,' Cleopatra purrs."	"she asked for Alexander's tomb to be opened for you"	--
"#fake2"	"'That was nice.  Don't forget my little gift to Caesar!'"	"she wants you to remember you owe Caesar a gift"	--
"Caesarion"	"'Yes, he's Caesar's child.  Does that make me a MILF?'"	"Caesarion is Caesar's son"	--


Chapter Two - "Boudoir"

Cleopatra's Boudoir is a room.  "A huge, round bed is the primary feature of the room.  The walls are hung in cloth-of-gold decorated with pearls.  Rich incense permeates the air."

Cleopatra's bed is scenery in Cleopatra's Boudoir.  "The bed is covered with red satin sheets.  On top of those sheets writhes Cleopatra in all her glory."  Understand "red", "satin", "sheet" and "sheets" as Cleopatra's bed.  Cleopatra's bed can be enterable.  Cleopatra's bed is enterable.  Instead of entering Cleopatra's bed, say "Entering Cleopatra would be more fun than entering the bed." 

The Cleo_boudoir_scenery is scenery in Cleopatra's Boudoir.  The printed name is "cloth-of-gold".  The description is "The walls are covered in spun gold, adorned with huge white pearls."  Understand "cloth", "gold", "cloth-of-gold", "wall", "walls", "huge", "white", "pearl", "pearls", and "spun" as the Cleo_boudoir_scenery.

The Cleo_boudoir_incense is scenery in Cleopatra's Boudoir.  The printed name is "incense".  The description is "Rich, heady incense perfumes the air."  Understand "incense", "rich", and "heady" as the Cleo_boudoir_incense.  Instead of smelling the Cleo_boudoir_incense, try examining the Cleo_boudoir_incense.  Instead of taking the Cleo_boudoir_incense, say "You don't know where the incense is."  Instead of smelling when the location is Cleopatra's Boudoir, try smelling the Cleo_boudoir_incense.

 Before going west from Cleopatra's Boudoir:
	say "You part the beads and step through the tinkling curtain."

Book Three - "The City"
	
Part One - "Hotel Metropole"
	
Chapter One - "Lobby"

Section One - "Furnishings"

Hotel Metropole is east from the Lake Harbor.  "This is a shabby hotel lobby, with sad-looking potted palms flanking the stairwell.  The tile is stained, chipped, and faded." [ Instead of going outside in Hotel Metropole, try going west. ] Lake Harbor is outside from Hotel Metropole. 

The scenery_lobby is scenery in the Hotel Metropole.  The description is "It's not clear whether the Metropole has seen better days, or whether it started out like this.  It's a grim and seedy hotel: wilted palms framing a staircase, grubby ledger chained to a battered counter, cracked and stained tile."  Understand "hotel", "lobby", and "metropole" as the scenery_lobby.  The printed name is "lobby".

The hotel tile is scenery in the Hotel Metropole.  The description is "Cheap, shabby tile, showing tired-looking dolphins half-heartedly leaping beside a barely-seaworthy boat."  Understand "cheap", "shabby", "tired", "tired-looking", "looking", "dolphins", "half", "hearted", "half-hearted", "heartedly", "half-heartedly", "barely", "seaworthy", "barely-seaworthy", "boat", "ship", "unseaworthy", "wave", "ocean", "waves", "sea", "vessel", "stuck", "floor", "dirty", "grime", "grimy", "secretion", "secretions",  "glue", "stained", "cracked", "chipped", and "faded" as the hotel tile.  Instead of taking the hotel tile, say "It's stuck to the floor, presumably by some sort of glue, but also by the thick layer of dried dirt, grime, and secretions atop it."  Instead of tasting the hotel tile, say "Ick."  Instead of smelling the hotel tile, say "Fortunately, it doesn't actually smell."

The hotel counter is scenery in the Hotel Metropole.  The description is "It's just a battered wooden counter with a big staple anchoring the chain of the guest ledger."  Understand "battered", "wood", "staple", "big", "anchor", and "wooden" as the hotel counter.

Some potted palms are scenery in the Hotel Metropole.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Spindly palm trees cling to life, of a sort."  Understand "dirt", "pot", "palm", "heirloom", "heirlooms", "tree", "trees", "sad", "sad-looking", "plant", and "plants" as the potted palms.  Instead of doing anything other than examining the potted palms, say "You get the feeling that one touch, and the palms would crumble to dust.  And then you'd have to pay for them, and it seems likely that they're famililial heirlooms, quite possibly dating back to Egypt's glory millenia."

A stairwell is scenery in the Hotel Metropole.  The stairwell can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description is "A dingy, reeking stairwell leads up from the lobby to the guest rooms."  Understand "stair", "southern", "south", "dingy", "urine", "piss", "cat", "socks", "reeking", "reek", and "stairs" as the stairwell.  Instead of entering the stairwell, try going south.  Instead of smelling or tasting the stairwell, say "Urine and old socks, mostly, with an aggressive note of cat piss in the bouquet."  Instead of going up in Hotel Metropole, try going south.

Before going south in the Hotel Metropole:
	if the clerk is not handled and the ledger is not handled
	begin;
		if the number of rows in the Table of Hotel Occurrences is greater than 1
		begin;
			choose a random row in the Table of Hotel Occurrences;
			if the description entry is not "placeholder"
			begin;
				say "[description entry][paragraph break]";
				blank out the whole row;
			otherwise;
				say "You wander around upstairs for a while, but nothing exciting happens.  You return to the lobby.";
			end if;
			stop the action;
		otherwise;
			say "You wander around upstairs for a while, but nothing exciting happens.  You return to the lobby.";
			stop the action;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		if Eugenides is boinked or Eugenides is unaroused
		begin;
			say "Room 14 is locked, and no one responds to your knock.  You return to the lobby.";
			stop the action;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Table of Hotel Occurrences
description
"placeholder"
"Wandering around the hotel at random, you stumble into someone's room, and discover a man, a woman, and an ostrich involved in either a religious ritual or something very dirty.  Or both.  They glare at you; as you leave you hear the bolt  clicking into place.  You return to the lobby."
"A naked woman runs from one room into the hall, giggling wildly.  She spots you, shrieks, and ducks back into her room.  You hear the scrape of a chair being pushed against the door.  You return to the lobby."
"In a hall upstairs in the hotel, three drunken revellers stagger past you, their plumes of winy vomit barely missing you."
"Behind a closed door, you can hear a woman shouting, the unmistakable sound of leather slapping flesh, and a man groaning.  You return to the lobby."
"Climbing the stairs into a grubby hallway, you try a door at random.  Black-robed figures, standing around a recently-demised goat, glare at you, their long knives dripping blood.  You retreat to the lobby."
"In one room, six men sit hunched intently around a table, rolling dice, as stacks of money are slid back and forth between the participants.  They notice you watching.  'Do you [italic type]mind[roman type]?' asks one, as their door is slammed shut and bolted.  You return to the lobby."

Section Two - "Humbertian Ledger"

The guest ledger is a book in the Hotel Metropole.   It is scenery.  Check taking the guest ledger: instead say "It's chained firmly to the counter."  Understand "grubby", "greasy", "chained", "chain", "entry", "entries", and "book" as the guest ledger.  The guest ledger has a number called guests_seen.  The guests_seen of the guest ledger is 0.  The contents of the guest ledger is the Table of Guests.

Instead of examining the guest ledger:
	let N be the number of rows in the Table of Guests;
	let S be the guests_seen of the guest ledger;
	if S > N - 4
	begin;
		say "You flip aimlessly through the ledger, learning nothing new.";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	if Eugenides is horny and the location of Eugenides is the Eugenidean Boudoir and the guest ledger is not handled
	begin;
		choose row 1 in the Table of Guests;
		say "[How entry] [where entry] of the ledger, you find '[name entry], [hometown entry] - Room [roomnumber entry].'";
		if the clerk is handled 
		begin;
			if Eugenides is boinked
			begin;
				say "The clerk smirks.  'That's what I said.'";
			otherwise;
				say "The clerk rolls his eyes at your suspicion.  He mutters, 'Told you so.'";
			end if;
		end if;
		if there is no seen entry
		begin;
			increase S by 1;
			now the guests_seen of the guest ledger is S;
			now the seen entry is 1;
		end if;
		now the guest ledger is handled;
		stop the action;
	end if;
	choose a random row in the Table of Guests;
	while there is a seen entry
	begin;
		choose a random row in the Table of Guests;
	end while;
	now the seen entry is 1;
	increase S by 1;
	now the guests_seen of the guest ledger is S;
	now the stored row is the current row;
	consider the printing-a-guest rule.

			
Instead of consulting the guest ledger about a topic listed in the Table of Guests:
	if the name entry is "Clare Quilty" or the name entry is "Dolores Haze" or the name entry is "Humbert Humbert"
	begin;
		say "There is, of course, no entry for '[name entry].'  Nevertheless: [italic type]touchè[roman type], reader[70 as a reference][32 as a footnote]!";
	otherwise;
		now the seen entry is 1;
		now the stored row is the current row;
		consider the printing-a-guest rule;		
	end if;
	now the seen entry is 1.

This is the printing-a-guest rule:
	choose row stored row in the Table of Guests;
	if there is no roomnumber entry, now the roomnumber entry is a random number between 1 and 20;
	if there is no where entry
	begin;
		if a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			now the where entry is "near the front";
		otherwise;
			if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
			begin;
				now the where entry is "somewhere in the middle";
			otherwise;
				now the where entry is "towards the end";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	if there is no how entry
	begin;
		if a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			now the how entry is "Scrawled";
		otherwise;
			if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
			begin;
				now the how entry is "Fastidiously printed";
			otherwise;
				now the how entry is "Neatly written";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	say "[How entry] [where entry] of the ledger, you find '[name entry], [hometown entry] - Room [roomnumber entry].'"
	
Table of Guests
topic	name	hometown	how	where	roomnumber	seen
"Eugenides/Smyrna/Mr/mister/merchant" or "Mr Eugenides" or "Mister Eugenides"	"Mr. Eugenides"	"Smyrna"	"Scrawled"	"at the end"	14	a number
"Syra"	"Syra"	"Rome"
"N/Petit/Larousse" or "N Petit"	"N. Petit"	"Larousse"	--	--	--	--
"Dr/Gratiano/Forbeson/Mirandola" or "Dr Gratiano Forbeson" or "Gratiano Forbeson" or "Dr Forbeson"	"Dr. Gratiano Forbeson"	"Mirandola"
"Arsene/Lupin/Arsène/Paris" or "Arsene Lupin" or "Arsène Lupin"	"Arsène Lupin"	"Paris"
"Person/A/Porlock" or "A Person"	"A. Person"	"Porlock"
"Arthur/Rainbow/Harar" or "Arthur Rainbow"	"Arthur Rainbow"	"Harar"
"Morris/Schmetterling/Ghent"	"Morris Schmetterling"	"Ghent"
"D/Orgon/Elmira" or "D Orgon"	"D. Orgon"	"Elmira"
"Harry/Bumper/Sheridan" or "Harry Bumper"	"Harry Bumper"	"Sheridan"
"Phineas/Quimby/Lebanon" or "Phineas Quimby"	"Phineas Quimby"	"Lebanon"
"Kitzler/Eryx" or "Dr Kitzler"	"Dr. Kitzler"	"Eryx"
"Johnny/Randall/Ramble"	"Johnny Randall"	"Ramble"
"S/NS/Aristoff/Catagela" or "N S Aristoff" or "N Aristoff"	"N. S. Aristoff"	"Catagela"
"James/Mavor/Morell/Hoaxton" or "James Morell" or "James Mavor Morell"	"James Mavor Morell"	"Hoaxton"
"G/Trapp/Geneva" or "G Trapp"	"G. Trapp"	"Geneva"
"Aubrey/Beardsley/Quelquepart/Island" or "Aubrey Beardsley" or "Quelquepart Island"	"Aubrey Beardsley"	"Quelquepart Island"
"Lucas/Picador/Merrymay" or "Lucas Picador"	"Lucas Picador"	"Merrymay"
"Will/Brown/Dolores" or "Will Brown"	"Will Brown"	"Dolores"
"Harold/Haze/Tombstone" or "Harold Haze"	"Harold Haze"	"Tombstone"
"Don/Donald/Quix/Sierra" or "Don Quix" or "Donald Quix"	"Donald Quix"	"Sierra"
"Ted/Hunter/Cane" or "Ted Hunter"	"Ted Hunter"	"Cane"
"Clare/Quilty" or "Clare Quilty"	"Clare Quilty"	"Zembla"	--	--	--	1
"Humbert" or "Humbert Humbert"	"Humbert Humbert"	"Elphinstone"	--	--	--	1
"Lolita" or "Dolores Haze"	"Dolores Haze"	"Ramsdale"	--	--	--	1


Section Three - "The Young Man Carbuncular"

The hotel clerk is a man in the Hotel Metropole.  "A spotty clerk slouches sullenly behind a battered counter adorned with a greasy ledger, regarding you and the lobby with a bored bovine calm."  Understand "dull", "unambitious", "placid", "terminally", "young", "fat", "pustular", "spotty", "sullen", "bovine", "bored", "calm", "pimply", "man", and "carbuncular" as the hotel clerk.  The description of the hotel clerk is "The clerk is a fat young man, with the placid expression of the terminally-dull-and-unambitious.  He has a rather magnificent collection of zits, carbuncles, and pustules adorning his otherwise unremarkable features."  Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off the hotel clerk, say "Although you have been known to take on fixer-upper projects in your time, well, [italic type]really[roman type]."  The conversation of the hotel clerk is the Table of Clerk's Chatter.  The default reply of the hotel clerk is "The clerk stares ruminatively into space.  Finally, after a long pause, he mutters, 'Dunno.'"  

Before asking the clerk about something:
	if the topic understood matches "Eugenides/Mr/Mister/merchant/Smyrna", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "Mr Eugenides", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "Mister Eugenides", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "#fake1"
	begin;
		if Eugenides is not horny and the ledger is not handled
		begin;
			say "The horrible realization that you are about interrogate the clerk based on knowledge you can't possibly have, except perhaps from another life, freezes your tongue within your mouth.";
			stop the action;
		otherwise;
			now the clerk is handled;
		end if;
	end if.

Table of Clerk's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"clerk/himself"	"'Don[apostrophe] ask me.  I jus[apostrophe] work here.'"	"he isn't much for conversation"	a number
"zit/zits/carbuncle/carbuncles/spot/spots/pustule/pustules/boil/boils/blister/blisters/pus"	"The clerk meditatively pokes one of his pustules, which sloshes alarmingly, and shrugs."	"he seems resigned to his skin condition"	--
"#fake1"	"The clerk blinks at you and glances at the ledger.  'Room 14,' he mumbles, jerking a thumb at the stairs."	"Mr. Eugenides is in Room 14"	--
"Syra"	"The spotty youth cracks a ghastly grin.  'My zits weren't the only thing spraying sticky white fluid that night!'"	"he has apparently encountered Syra"	--
"currant/currants/bag/pocket" or "bag of currants"	"'Ugh.  Can't stand 'em.'"	"he doesn't like currants"	--
"room/hotel/metropole" or "Hotel Metropole"	"'Sorry, no vacancy,' grunts the clerk, contriving to suggest that he's not sorry in the least."	"the hotel is full"	--
"ostrich/goat/naked/dice/gambling" or "naked woman"	"'What my guests do is their own business.'"	"he doesn't care what happens in his rooms"	--
"Alexandria/Alexander/Alex/Cleo/Cleopatra/Museum/Library/Lighthouse" or "Great Lighthouse" or "Alexander the Great"	"'Do I look like a tour guide?'"	"he's not a tour guide"	--

Some carbuncles are part of the hotel clerk.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Pus-filled boils and carbuncles wobble alarmingly, giving the distinct impression of imminent detonation."  Instead of pulling, pushing, attacking, rubbing, touching or squeezing the carbuncles, say "Although you have done many revolting things in your life, you will not, in fact, do that."  Understand "zit", "zits", "carbuncle", "pustule", "pustules", "boil", "boils", "blister", "blisters", "pus", "pus-filled", "pussy", "wobbly", "wobbling", "spot", "spots", "pimple", "magnificent", "collection", and "pimples" as the carbuncles.

Chapter Two - "Eugenidean Boudoir"

Eugenidean Boudoir is a room.  It is south of the Hotel Metropole.  Hotel Metropole is down from Eugenidean Boudoir.  The description of Eugenidean Boudoir is "This is an unprepossessing room, with a bed and very little else.  To the north, a hall leads to the stairs to the lobby."

The Eugenidean bed is scenery in the Eugenidean boudoir.  It is a supporter.  The Eugenidean bed can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description is "It's hard to see the bed, as the bulk of it is covered by the ample flesh of Mr. Eugenides."

Part Two - "Pharos"

Chapter One - "Geography"

Top of the Pharos is east from Isle of Pharos.  "From here atop the great lighthouse, you can see for dozens of miles.  The Mediterranean stretches endlessly off to the north; to the south you can see the shining net of the Nile in its delta channels coalesce into a silver ribbon winding its way into the desert.  East and west, the fertile swamps of the Nile delta give way to sand and barren wasteland."  Instead of going down in Top of the Pharos, try going west.  Isle of Pharos is outside from Top of the Pharos.

Chapter Two - "Mr. Eugenides"

Eugenides is a man in the Top of the Pharos.  "A portly, slightly sweaty merchant stands here admiring the view.  His hand constantly dips into his pocket, emerging full of succulent currants, which he continually crams into his full-lipped and slightly cruel mouth."  The printed name of Eugenides is "portly merchant".  The description of Eugenides is "[if Eugenides is handled]Mr. Eugenides[otherwise]The portly merchant[end if] wears a slightly-ill-fitting, though clearly expensive, crimson tunic.  He evidently has a bag of currants in his pocket, which he constantly pilfers."  The default reply of Eugenides is "The merchant looks pensive, but says nothing."  The conversation of Eugenides is the Table of Eugenides's Chatter.  Eugenides is not proper-named.  Understand "Smyrna", "Mister", "Mr", "merchant", "greasy", "man", "fat", "portly", "chubby", "sweaty", "slightly", "hand", and "bald" as Eugenides.  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Eugenides: no.  Eugenides has a horniness.  Eugenides is unaroused.

The Eugenidean lips are part of Eugenides.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "The man's lips are full and slightly cruel."  Understand "full", "cruel", "smile", "mouth", "red", and "lip" as the Eugenidean lips.  Instead of sucking, fucking, touching, rubbing, kissing, or eating the Eugenidean lips, consider the flirting-with-Eugenides rule.

The Eugenidean tunic is worn by Eugenides.  The description is "The tunic is crimson and clearly of expensive manufacture, but it does not fit him well."  Understand "crimson", "red", "expensive", and "ill-fitting" as the Eugenidean tunic.

The Eugenidean cock is a penis.  The description is "You've seen bigger, and you've seen smaller.  It stands proudly erect."  Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, wanking off, touching, rubbing, kissing, or eating the Eugenidean cock, consider the flirting-with-Eugenides rule.

The bag of currants is held by Eugenides.  It is ambiguously plural.  Understand "succulent", "inexhaustible", "nearly", "nearly-inexhaustible", "currant", "paper", and "pocket" as the bag of currants.  The description is "You can't see the bag, but obviously he has a nearly-inexhaustible supply of currants."   It is edible.

Instead of earning the bag of currants:
	if Eugenides is not in the location, instead say "You're pretty sure you already did.";
	consider the flirting-with-Eugenides rule.

Instead of eating the bag of currants:
	say "Meh.  You've never actually liked currants all that much."
	
Before taking the bag of currants:
	if the bag of currants is held by Eugenides, instead say "Your hand is slapped, surprisingly hard.  'You're going to have to earn those currants,' simpers the merchant."

Before examining Eugenides for the first time:
	if Eugenides is not handled
	begin;
		now Eugenides is handled;
		now Eugenides is proper-named;
		now the printed name of Eugenides is "Mr. Eugenides";
		say "The merchant smiles back at you and extends an unctuous hand.  'I am,' he smirks, 'Mister Eugenides, from Smyrna.  I am very, very pleased to make your acquaintance.'";
	end if.
	
This is the flirting-with-Eugenides rule:
	if Eugenides is not horny
	begin;
		now Eugenides is horny;
		say "As you approach, [if Eugenides is handled]Mr. Eugenides[otherwise]the sweaty merchant[end if] leans in close to you, kisses you firmly on the lips (his breath smelling of currants), pinches your right buttock, and murmurs, 'Meet me at the Hotel Metropole[if Eugenides is not handled].  Ask for Eugenides[end if],' into your right ear.  He winks at you and flutters down the stairs in a flurry of crimson cloth.";
		now Eugenides is handled;
		now Eugenides is proper-named;
		now the printed name of Eugenides is "Mr. Eugenides";
		now the description of Eugenides is "Mr. Eugenides lounges here on the bed, wearing nothing but a greasy smile.";
		remove the Eugenidean tunic from play;
		now the Eugenidean cock is a part of Eugenides;
		move Eugenides to the Eugenidean Boudoir;
	otherwise;
		say "Eugenides embraces you, and then rolls over on you, nearly smothering you.  He giggles as he fondles your cock, and kisses you with a wet and currant-tasting mouth.  He's actually surprisingly talented, and you have a very good time.  It is with a bit of regret that you find yourself standing in the hotel lobby a while later, clutching a bag of currants.";
		record "Mr. Eugenides" as achieved;
		move the bag of currants to the player;
		now the description of the bag of currants is "It's a paper bag full of currants.";
		now Eugenides is boinked;	
		if the toga is held or the toga is in the location
		begin;
			now the toga is worn by the player;
			remove the stiffycock from play;
		end if;
		really have the parser notice the bag of currants;
		move the player to the Hotel Metropole;
	end if.
	
Instead of sucking, blowing, fucking, touching, rubbing, kissing, buggering, eating, or wanking off Eugenides, consider the flirting-with-Eugenides rule.
	

Before asking Eugenides about something:
	if the topic understood matches "hotel metropole", replace the topic understood with "date";
	if the topic understood matches "hotel/dinner/metropole", replace the topic understood with "date";
	if the topic understood matches "fat merchant", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "sweaty merchant", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "portly merchant", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "mr eugenides", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "mister eugenides", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "mr/mister/eugenides/merchant/sex", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "himself"
	begin;
		now Eugenides is handled;
		now Eugenides is proper-named;
		now the printed name of Eugenides is "Mr. Eugenides";
	end if.
	
Table of Eugenides's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"currant/currants/bag/pocket" or "bag of currants"	"'They are very succulent.  Perhaps you'd like some?  You'll have to earn them.'"	"the currants must be earned; they will not be freely given"	a number
"himself"	 	"'My name is Mr. Eugenides.  I have a very big...trading business.  You're cute.  Want to come visit me in my hotel?'"	"he has a big trading business, and you are welcome to visit him in his hotel"	--
"date"	"'See you at the Hotel Metropole, big boy.  Kiss me, you fool!'"	"you have a date with him at the Hotel Metropole"	--
"Syra"	"'Oh, Syra.  She was almost enough to make me reconsider my preferences.'"	"Syra nearly turned him straight."	--
"tunic/red/crimson/expensive" or "expensive tunic" or "red tunic" or "crimson tunic"	"He preens.  'Lovely, isn't it?  Cost me a pretty penny.'"	"he's very proud of his tunic"	--
"Alexandria"	"'I do a lot of business here.'"	"he does a lot of business in Alexandria"	--
"Lighthouse" or "Great Lighthouse"	"'I'd show you something else tall and cylindrical, if you liked.'"	"he offered to give you a tour of [italic type]his[roman type] Great Lighthouse."	--
"Soma/Mausoleum/Alexander/Alex" or "Alexander the Great" or "Soma Mausoleum"		"'I think Alexander's buried somewhere in the palace.'"	"Alexander the great is buried in the palace somewhere"	--
"Cleopatra/Cleo"	"'She's pretty, if you like that sort of thing.'"	"for a woman, Cleopatra's quite attractive"	--
"Museum/library"	"'Everything worth knowing can be found inside.'"	"the Museum contains all worthwhile knowledge"	--
"Banana" or "Golden Banana" or "Golden Banana of Discord"	"'Never heard of it.  I do like bananas, though.'"	"he likes bananas but knows nothing of the Golden Banana of Discord"	--


Part Three - "The Great Harbor"

Chapter One - "Scenery"

Great Harbor is an Alexandrian street.  It is north from By The Museum.  "The Street of the Soma ends here at the Great Harbor.  To the east towers the wall surrounding Cleopatra's palace and Alexander's tomb, broken by a small gate next to a guardhouse.  Across the harbor to the north stands the majestic Pharos lighthouse.  [if the surly guard is handled]A guard rests on a bench inside the guardhouse[otherwise]A surly-looking guard stands stiffly by the gate[end if]."  Instead of going inside in Great Harbor, try going east.

The great_harbor_scenery is scenery in Great Harbor.  The printed name is "Great Harbor".  The indefinite article is "the".  The description is "Many ships, mostly grain barges, rest at anchor in the Great Harbor."  Understand "grain", "barge", "ship", "ships", "anchor", "anchored", "boat", "boats", "water", "great", and "harbor" as the great_harbor_scenery.

The guardhouse is scenery in Great Harbor.  The description is "It's a little hut: essentially, a doorway, a small box, a roof to keep the sun off, and, inside, a bench."  It is a supporter.  The guardhouse can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Understand "hut", "little", "doorway", "small", "box", "roof", "shade", "gatehouse", "shady", and "bench" as the guardhouse.  Instead of putting something on the guardhouse, try entering the guardhouse. 
	
 Instead of entering the guardhouse:
	if the surly guard is handled
	begin;
		say "The guardhouse is occupied, and there's only room for one person on the bench.";
	otherwise;
		say "'No,' growls the guard, menacing you with his spear.";
	end if;
	stop the action.

Before going east in Great Harbor:
	if the surly guard is handled
	begin;
		say "The guard winks at you from the depths of the guardhouse and allows you to pass.";
		continue the action;
	otherwise;
		say "A surly guard with a pointy spear blocks your way.";
		stop the action;
	end if.
	
Chapter Two - "The Surly Guard"

The surly guard is a man in Great Harbor.  He is scenery.  The initial appearance of the surly guard is "A sour-faced guard stands by the gate, the sun glinting off the tip of his spear."  Understand "looking", "surly-looking", "angry-looking", and "angry" as the surly guard.  The description of the surly guard is "The guard [if the surly guard is handled]watches warily from inside his hut[otherwise]stands at attention by the gate.  He looks fairly angry[end if]."  

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, buggering, kissing, or wanking off the surly guard:
	if the surly guard is handled
	begin;
		say "The guard yawns, 'No thanks, I'm good,' and pushes you away with the butt of his spear.";
	otherwise;
		say "The guard jabs his spear menacingly at you.  'Not a chance, pal,' he snarls.  'I have to turn down something like ten people a day who try to pull that shit.  You'd have much better luck if you brought me breakfast.  And, no, before you even [italic type]ask[roman type], semen doesn't count.'";
	end if;
	stop the action.

Before asking the guard about something:
	if the topic understood matches "gate/palace/tomb/Alexander/Cleopatra", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "Alexander's tomb", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	if the topic understood matches "Cleopatra's palace", replace the topic understood with "#fake1".


Table of Surly Guard's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"#fake1" 	"'My job is to keep people like you out.'  His tone shifts to an ingratiating whine.  'However, I was in a hurry this morning, and I skipped breakfast.  If you were to bring me something to eat....I might just look the other way while you entered.'"	"he might let you pass if you brought him some food"	--
"hunger/hungry/breakfast/food/currants/currant/fruit/dry/dried" or "dried fruit"	"'I missed breakfast, and I wish I hadn't missed it now.  Have you got anything?  Dried fruit would be favorite.'"	"he missed breakfast, and would love some dried fruit to make up for it"	--
"anger/angry/surly/surliness/cranky/crankiness"	"'Actually it's not part of the job.  I'm just hungry and cranky today.'"	"he's just cranky because he's hungry"	--
"himself/guard/guarding"	"'Hey, it's a job.  One where I had to skip breakfast to make it here on time, which sucks.'"	"he skipped breakfast today and regrets it"	--
"Metropole/hotel" or "hotel Metropole" or "Metropole hotel"	"'Total fleabag.'"	"he thinks the Metropole is a fleabag"	--
"Pharos/lighthouse"	"'Do I look like the Tourism Bureau to you?  Go climb it yourself if you want to see it!'"	"you should climb the Pharos if you want to know more about it"	--
"Syra"	"The guard grins, and makes an obscene thrusting gesture with his spear."	"he apparently knows Syra"	--


The conversation of the surly guard is the Table of Surly Guard's Chatter.  The default reply of the surly guard is "A shrug is your only reply."

Instead of giving the bag of currants to the surly guard:
	remove the bag of currants from play;
	say "'Hey, thanks!' says the guard, his face cracking into a broad smile.  He seats himself in the guardhouse, and crams the currants into his mouth.  When done, he belches contentedly, and leans lazily back against the wall.  He waves his spear vaguely at the gate.  'G'wan,' he says.  'I didn't see a thing.'";
	really have the parser notice the surly guard;
	now the surly guard is handled.
	
Instead of giving something to the surly guard:
	say "The guard shakes his head dubiously.  'If that's a bribe, it isn't a very good one,' he says."
	

Instead of showing the bag of currants to the surly guard:
	say "The guard stares at the bag of currants.  'That looks mighty good,' he points out, and glances meaningfully at the gate."
	
Instead of showing something to the surly guard:
	say "The guard shrugs."

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the surly guard:
	if the particular possession is the spear, no; otherwise yes.
	
The pointy spear is held by the guard.  The description is "The spear is about eight feet long, with a wooden shaft topped with a sharp iron point."  Understand "wood", "wooden", "eight", "feet", "eight-foot", "long", "shaft", "sharp", "iron", "head", "spearhead", and "point" as the pointy spear.  Before taking the pointy spear:
	if the pointy spear is held by the guard, instead say "The guard jabs the spear menacingly in your direction.  'Mine,' he says, in a voice that brooks no discussion."
	
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off the pointy spear:
	if the guard is handled
	begin;
		say "The guard rolls his eyes and shakes his head.";
	otherwise;
		say "The guard rolls his eyes.  'Look,' he says gruffly.  'Plenty of people have tried the old pretend-the-spear-is-a-penis-and-propose-unspeakable-delights-if-you-let-me-in trick.  Doesn't work.'";
	end if;
	stop the action.
	
Instead of throwing something at the surly guard, try attacking the surly guard.
Instead of attacking the surly guard for the first time:
	If the guard is handled, instead try kissing the pointy spear;
	say "'Don't do that,' snaps the guard."
	
Instead of attacking the surly guard:
	if the guard is handled, instead try kissing the pointy spear;
	say "The guard snarls and runs you through with his spear.";
	end the story saying "You have been impaled".

Volume Eleven - "Macedonia"

Macedonia is a region.  Thessalonica Docks, Prionia, and Litochoro are rooms in Macedonia.  

The macedonian_sky_scenery is sky_scenery.  It is in Thessalonica Docks, Prionia, and Litochoro.  The description is "The sun beams down from a clear blue sky."  Understand "blue", "sky", "sun", and "breeze" as macedonian_sky_scenery.

Thessalonica Docks is a room.  The description is "There's really nothing much to Thessalonica: docks and warehouses, and that's about it.  Slack-jawed rustics dully chew their cuds, regarding you with bovine, placid, incurious eyes.  A road leads out of town to the west, in the general direction of Thessaly and Mount Olympus.  The [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type] rides at anchor to the south."	

Some scenery_thessalonica_docks are scenery in Thessalonica Docks.  The printed name is "docks".  The description is "The docks and warehouses are exactly what you'd expect to find in a podunk town on a harbor."  Understand "dock", "docks", "warehouse", "warehouses", "podunk" and "harbor" as the scenery_thessalonica_docks.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_thessalonica_docks, say "The docks are of no interest to you."

Some macedonian_pbs are men in Thessalonica Docks.  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "Macedonian rustics".  They are scenery.  The description of the macedonian_pbs is "The dull eyes and slack jaws of the Macedonians betray them as unsophisticated rustics." Understand "crowd", "crowds", "man", "woman", "men", "people", "passer", "passers", "passerby", "passer-byes", "passers-by", "women", "macedonian", "macedonians", "rustic", "rustics", "eye", "eyes", "jaw", "jaws", "slack", "slack-jawed", "yokel", "yokels", "dull", "dull-eyed", "dully", "chewing", "cud", "cuds", "bovine", "placid", "incurious", "unsophisticated", and "Cletus" as macedonian_pbs.  The default reply of the macedonian_pbs is "You might just as well try to have a conversation with a cow."  Instead of pushing, pulling, or attacking the macedonian_pbs, say "If there's anything unsophisticated rustics are good at, it's gratuitous physical brutality.  Better not."  Instead of fucking the macedonian_pbs, say "Your standards are not yet quite that debased."

Instead of going south in Thessalonica Docks, consider the all-aboard-the-ass rule.

Before going west in Thessalonica Docks:
	if the player does not enclose the golden banana or the golden banana is not warned_about, instead say "Eris's voice speaks in your ear.  'Whoa!  Hold your horses, Stiffy!  No sense in braving Olympus until you have the banana[if the banana is not_warned_about] and it's been peeled[end if].'";
	say "You embark on the long trek towards Olympus, passing through the town of Dion, and eventually coming to the end of the road at Litochoro."
	
Litochoro is a room.  It is west of Thessalonica.  The description is "Litochoro is an unprepossessing village at the foot of Mount Olympus.  A road to the north leads back towards Thessalonica.  Olympus itself rises mighty to the west, its peaks hidden by clouds.  A rough track leads up its slopes.  All the doors and windows are shuttered and barred.  No people are evident; no dogs frolic in the street; even the few flies seeem to buzz timidly and silently, as if afraid of the wrath of the too-near gods."  Instead of going north in Litochoro, try going east.  Instead of going up in Litochoro, try going west.


A threadbare fur cloak is a garment in Litochoro.  "A discarded and threadbare fur cloak lies in a heap on the ground here."  The description is "The fur cloak has seen better years.  It appears to be made from bearskin.  Although it is ripped in places, has lost much of its fur, and has been ill-treated, it is still fairly serviceable."  Understand "ripped", "bear", "bearskin", and "cape" as the threadbare fur cloak.  The warmth of the threadbare fur cloak is 5.

The scenery_track is scenery in Litochoro.  The description is "A rough track winds up into the mountains."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_track, try examining the scenery_track.  The printed name is "track".  Understand "rough" and "track" as the scenery_track.

Before going east in Litochoro, say "You start along the northern road, through Dion, arriving finally at the docks in Thessalonica."

Scenery_litochoro is scenery in Litochoro.  The description is "The town is deathly still.  No movement disturbs the streets, no sounds punctuate the oppressive silence."  Understand "house", "houses", "door", "doors", "window", "windows", "people", "person", "dog", "dogs", "fly", "flies", "timid", "silent", "silence", "shutter", "shutters", "bar", "bars", "barred", "few", "village", "town", and "hamlet" as scenery_litochoro.  The printed name is "Litochoro".

Scenery_olympus is a backdrop.  It is in Litochoro.  It is in Prionia.  It is in Near The Tree Line [we'll see this location later].  The description is "Olympus rises above you, snow visible on its higher slopes, and its peaks hidden by clouds."  The printed name is "Mount Olympus".  Understand "Olympus", "Mount", "mountain", "peak", "peaks", "height", "heightts", "summit", "slope", "slopes", "snow", "glacier", "glaciers", and "snows" as Scenery_Olympus.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_olympus, say "The heights of Olympus are still far away."

Prionia is a room.  It is west of Litochoro.  The description is "The track from the east peters out here, at an abandoned logging camp[emdash]really, just a clearing in the pine forest.  A trail winds higher into the mountains to the west, and descends to Litochoro in the east."  Instead of going up in Prionia, try going west.  Instead of going down in Prionia, try going east.

A rusty saw blade is a thing in Prionia.  "A broken and rusted saw blade is visible, tossed aside into a bush."  Understand "broken", "rusted", "tooth", "teeth", and "handsaw" as the rusty saw blade.  The description is "This is about eighteen inches of saw blade, thoroughly rusted, evidently snapped from a larger saw.  It retains most of its teeth and could probably still be used to cut small trees, albeit slowly."

The scenery_track2 is scenery in Litochoro.  The description is "A rough track descends from the mining camp to the town of Litochoro."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_track2, try examining the scenery_track2.  The printed name is "track".  Understand "rough" and "track" as the scenery_track2.

The Prionia_scenery is scenery in Prionia.  The description is "A few scraggly bushes dot this former logging camp.  A faint trail continues up Olympus to the west, and a rough track descends to Litochoro to the east."  Understand "trail", "faint", "bush", "bushes", "camp", "Prionia", "log", "logging", "scraggly", and "Prionia" as the Prionia_scenery.  The printed name is "logging camp".
	
Some scenery_pines are a backdrop.  They are in Prionia and in Near The Tree Line.  The printed name is "pines".  Understand "pines", "piney", "tree", "pine", "trees", "stick", "staff", "branch", "branches", "wood", "woods", "forests", and "forest" as the scenery_pines.  The description is "Small pine trees grow abundantly here.  Any of them would make a suitable walking stick, once cut with an appropriate instrument."  Instead of cutting the scenery_pines:
	if the rusty saw blade is held by the player, instead try attacking the scenery_pines with the rusty saw blade;
	try attacking the rusty saw blade.
Instead of attacking the scenery_pines with the rusty saw blade:
	if the walking stick is contained by the location, instead say "The walking stick you already cut is right here.  One is plenty.";
	say "You set to work sawing at the pines, and soon you have created a six-foot walking stick.";
	move the walking stick to the location.
Instead of taking, pushing or pulling the scenery_pines, try attacking the scenery_pines.
Instead of attacking the scenery_pines, say "The pines are well-rooted.  You have no hope of prevailing."
Instead of attacking the scenery_pines with something, say "[The second noun] is unable to cut the pines."

The walking stick is a thing.  "A freshly-cut walking stick rests on the ground here."  The description is "This walking stick has been cut from a small pine tree.  It is rough but strong, and a bit taller than you are."  Understand "rough", "strong", "pine", "small", "staff", "six", "foot", "six-foot", and "pole" as the walking stick.  Does the player mean doing something with the walking stick: it is likely.

Test Thessalonica with "w /  get cloak / wear it / w / get blade / cut tree / get stick / drop blade".

Test min-Thessalonica with  "w /  get cloak / wear it / w / get blade / cut tree / get stick".

Test to-prionia with "test to-mantua / test mantua / e / s / w / w / ask palinurus about thessalonica / d / test thessalonica".


Volume Twelve - "Darkest Africa"

Jungly Africa is a region.   Jungle Slope, Canyon's Edge, Narrow Chasm, East Side of Chasm, West Side of Chasm, Waterfall Overlook, Rocky Ford, Palm Grove, Melon Patch, Cane Field, and North Shore of the Lake are rooms in Jungly Africa.

African Lake is a region.  The North End of the Lake and the Middle of the Lake are water_rooms in African Lake.

Up a Tree is a region.  Halfway up the Banana Tree and Top of the Banana Tree are rooms in Up a Tree.

Instead of dropping something (called S) in African Lake: 
	if S is the Golden Banana, instead say "It would surely be lost forever.  You will not part with it now.";
	if S is the stiffycock, instead say "It really isn't hindering your swimming.  Besides, you can't.";
	if S is a jungle yummy or S is the clean piece of papyrus or S is the jagged papyrus or S is the ragged papyrus
	begin;
		say "[The S], fortunately, is buoyant.";
		move S to the location;
	otherwise;
		say "[The S] vanishes beneath the waters with a forlorn 'bloop' sound.";
		remove S from play;
	end if.

Instead of dropping something (called S) in Up a Tree: 
	if S is the Golden Banana, instead say "It would surely be lost forever.  You will not part with it now.";
	if S is the stiffycock, instead say "You can't.  It's quite firmly attached.";
	say "[The S] vanishes from sight, tumbling into the jungle beneath you.";
	remove S from play.

Darkest Africa is a region. High on a Hillside, Precarious Ledge, Mountain Pass, Spit of Land, Rocky Streambed, and Plateau are rooms in Darkest Africa.  Jungly Africa is in Darkest Africa.  African Lake is in Darkest Africa.  Up a Tree is in Darkest Africa.

Dense Jungle is a backdrop in Jungly Africa.  The description is "The jungle is dense, deep, and dark.  It's almost impenetrable in the absence of a preexisting path.  Trees, thickets, and undergrowth form an almost-solid mass."  Instead of touching or rubbing the Dense Jungle, say "You reach out and poke a bush at random."  Instead of tasting or sucking the Dense Jungle, say "The leaf you select tastes just like a leaf."  Instead of taking the Dense Jungle, say "As well carry off the Tiber in a teaspoon."  Understand "impenetrable", "briar", "briars", "underbrush", "thick", "tree", "trees", "vines", "vine", "thicket", "vast", "deep", "dark", "forest", "woods",  "trackless", "undergrowth", "bush", "bushes", "solid", "almost-solid", and "almost-impenetrable" as Dense Jungle.  Dense Jungle can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Does the player mean doing something with the Dense Jungle: it is unlikely.

Instead of fucking the Dense Jungle:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "In this respect, the jungle actually [italic type]is[roman type] impenetrable."

Instead of entering the Dense Jungle for the first time:
	say "The jungle is vast and trackless.  You pause, wondering if it's really a good idea to go crashing through it.";
	
Instead of entering the Dense Jungle:
	choose a random row in the Table of Jungle Demises;
	say "[narrative entry].";
	now JDM is the death-message entry;
	end the story saying "[JDM]".
	
Table of Jungle Demises
death-message			narrative
"You have fallen to your death"	"You soon lose the trail in the insanely thick underbrush.  Struggling and forcing your way through thickets, you finally shove through a particularly vicious briar patch into open air, and plummet several hundred feet to a painful, but mercifully quick, demise"
"You have been eaten by beasts"	"Within minutes of pushing into the jungle you are hopelessly lost.  Shoving your way through briars, you stagger aimlessly for hours.  Eventually, night falls.  It's unclear whether your assailants are grues or some other kind of beasts, but in any event, their teeth are sharp enough"
"You have been poisoned by a viper"	"Struggling through the bush, you reach out to steady yourself on a convenient vine.  Alas, it is no vine, but a viper, and takes a dim view of your groping"
"You have been brained by a chimpanzee"	"As you push through the forest, you feel eyes watching you, but try as you might, you can't see anything.  The farther you go, the deeper the woods get, and you think you begin to see black, hairy shapes swinging through the branches at the corners of your vision.  Finally you pause exhausted by a large tree.  There is a terrible hooting, and something drops from the canopy in front of you.  Your last impression is of black hair, long yellow teeth, and a long arm swinging a thighbone into your skull"


Dark Africa is a region.  Hidden Valley is a room in Dark Africa.  Darkest Africa is in Dark Africa.

African_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in Dark Africa.  The description is "A bright yellow sun beats down from an azure sky.  In the distance you can see huge, puffy thunderclouds."  Understand "sky", "blue", "azure", "sun", "yellow", "bright", "huge", "puffy", "cloud", "clouds", "thundercloud", and "thunderclouds" as the African_sky_scenery.  The printed name is "sky".

Doctor Mentula I Presume is a recurring scene.  Doctor Mentula I Presume begins when the location is in Dark Africa.  Doctor Mentula I Presume ends when the location is not in Dark Africa.
	
Every turn during Doctor Mentula I Presume:
	if the location is the Hidden Valley for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Hippopotamus" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;	
	if the location is the Middle Of The Lake for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Lake Guardian" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;
	if the blue hippo is in the location
	begin;
		if the blue hippo's mouth is closed
		begin;
			say "The blue hippo yawns hugely, displaying a charmingly-decorated interior.";
			now the blue hippo's mouth is open;
			move the hippo_scenery2 to the location;
		otherwise;
			say "With a snap, the blue hippo shuts its jaws.";
			now the blue hippo's mouth is closed;
			remove the hippo_scenery2 from play;
		end if;
	end if;
	[ if you drop the coconut, muskmelon, or cane, and leave, something eats it...but a new one grows ]
	let L be the location;
	repeat through the Table of Treats
	begin;
		let T be the thingy entry;
		let H be the home entry;
		let P be the holding pen entry;
		let N be the noise entry; 
		let M be the location of T;
		if M is not L and M is not H and M is not the Plateau
		begin;
			repeat with the way running through directions
			begin;
				let Q be the room the way from L;
				if M is Q and M is a room, say "You hear a [N] chewing noise from [the way].";
			end repeat;
			now T is not handled;
			move T to P;
		end if;
	end repeat;
	if the banana clock is greater than zero, now the banana clock is one plus the banana clock;
	if the froghemoth clock is greater than zero, now the froghemoth clock is one plus the froghemoth clock;
	if the baboon clock is greater than zero, now the baboon clock is one plus the baboon clock;
	if the nudity clock is greater than zero, now the nudity clock is one plus the nudity clock;
	if the stiffycock is visible and the baboons are unboinked and the nudity clock is 0
	begin;
		if the location is the Plateau or the location is Halfway Up the Banana Tree or the location is Top of the Banana Tree
		begin;
			if the baboon clock is greater than zero
			begin;
				say "As you disrobe, the baboons cease their petty squabbles.  [run paragraph on]";
				now the baboon clock is zero;
				remove the baboon disputation item from play;
			end if;
			now the baboons are boinked;
			now the nudity clock is 1;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the froghemoth clock is greater than 50
	begin;
		now the froghemoth clock is zero;
		move the lake guardian to the North End of the Lake;
		if the location is the North End of the Lake, say "With a splash, the horrible frog-thing bobs to the surface of the water, and rests there regarding you with its awful red eyes.";
	end if;
	if the baboon clock is greater than zero
	begin;
		if the baboon clock is five
		begin;
			now the baboon clock is zero;
			remove the baboon disputation item from play;
			if the location is the Plateau or the location is Halfway up the Banana Tree or the location is Top of the Banana Tree
			begin;
				say "One of the baboons manages to wrest control of [the baboon disputation item] long enough to devour it.  With their squabble finished, they again turn to regard you with sullen hostility.";
			end if;
		end if;
		if the location is the Plateau or the location is Halfway Up the Banana Tree or the location is Top of the Banana Tree
		begin;
			if the baboon clock is one, say "A big male baboon snatches [the baboon disputation item] and then immediately drops it as a smaller female bites him in the groin.";
			if the baboon clock is two, say "A knot of baboons tumble about the plateau, trying to sieze control of [the baboon disputation item].";
			if the baboon clock is three, say "One of the baboons tries to split another's skull with [if the baboon disputation item is not the muskmelon][the baboon disputation item][otherwise]a handy rock[end if], but misses.";
			if the baboon clock is four, say "A general fracas over [the baboon disputation item] rages, with no clear frontrunner.";
		end if;
	end if;
	if the banana clock is greater than one
	begin;
		if the banana clock is two
		begin;
			say "The blue dot nears the apex of its rise.  You're fairly sure it's the blue hippopotamus, soaring through the air.[paragraph break]";
			remove the scenery_hippo_dot from play;
			move the scenery_hippo_far to the location;
			really have the parser notice the scenery_hippo_far;
		end if;
		if the banana clock is three
		begin;
			say "The hippo[emdash]for such it is[emdash]begins its descent.  A shadow passes across the sun.  Glancing up, you see the Mweru bird, stooping in a power dive, aiming for the hippopotamus.[paragraph break]";
			move the scenery_mweru_stooping to the location;
		end if;
		if the banana clock is four
		begin;
			say "The hippopotamus falls towards you, its mouth agape.  It's going to pass just below the tree in a matter of seconds.[paragraph break]";
			remove the scenery_hippo_far from play; 
			move the scenery_hippo_near to the location;
			really have the parser notice the scenery_hippo_near;
		end if;
		if the banana clock is five
		begin;
			say "The hippopotamus sails some thirty feet beneath the tree, rolling its eyes despairingly at you as it passes.  The Mweru bird passes just overhead, and you have to grab the tree to avoid being buffeted off by the wind from its wings.  A couple hundred feet above the jungle canopy, it grabs the hippopotamus, and, beating its enormous wings, pulls out of the dive and flaps northwards, the hapless hippo clutched in its talons.[paragraph break]";
			remove the scenery_hippo_near from play;
			remove the scenery_mweru_stooping from play;
		end if;		
	end if;			
	if the nudity clock is greater than zero
	begin;
		if the nudity clock is one, say "The baboons shriek and gibber, gesticulating wildly at your bared buttocks, baring their yellow fangs, and shaking their fists.[paragraph break]";
		if the nudity clock is two, say "The baboons shriek and howl at you as they mass at the base of the tree.[paragraph break]";
		if the nudity clock is three
		begin;
			say "The baboons scream in rage as they grimly ascend the tree.[paragraph break]";
			move the baboons to Halfway Up the Banana Tree;
		end if;
		if the nudity clock is four, say "The baboons howl imprecations.  One particularly brave one begins to inch up the tree towards you.[paragraph break]";
		if the nudity clock is five
		begin;
			say "The baboons swarm up to the top of the tree, screeching and hooting.[paragraph break]";
			move the baboons to Top of the Banana Tree;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the baboons are in the location
	begin;
		if the stiffycock is visible or the baboons are boinked
		begin;
			if the location is the plateau
			begin;
				say "The baboons are enraged at [if the stiffycock is visible] seeing[otherwise] having seen[end if] your naked buttocks, and [if the baboon clock is greater than zero]drop their squabble over [the baboon disputation item] in order to [end if]fly into a starkly insensate rage.  They swarm over you, beating you mercilessly, until your ass-cheeks are as red and blue as theirs.  Then, hooting maniacally, they proceed to repeatedly sodomize you, and while they do, they begin tearing at and devouring your still-living flesh.";
				end the story saying "You have been beaten, raped, murdered, and eaten by baboons";
				stop the action;
			end if;
			if the location is Halfway Up the Banana Tree
			begin;
				say "The snarling baboons grab you and rend you limb from limb, showering your blood and entrails down into the endless void below.";
				end the story saying "You have been dismembered by baboons";
				stop the action;
			end if;
			if the location is the Top of the Banana Tree
			begin;
				say "The lead baboon scampers up the trunk to you.  It grins horribly, and, slapping at your [if no garment is worn by the player]exposed [end if]buttocks, effortlessly launches you into the yawning void beneath.";
				end the story saying "You have been cast to your death by a baboon";
				stop the action;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
	

Table of Treats
thingy		home		holding pen	noise
coconut		Palm Grove	Palm Grove	"dry crunching"
muskmelon	Melon Patch	Melon Patch	"wet splattering"
sugar cane	Cane Field		Limbo		"nasty splintering"

This is the jungle encumbrance rule:
	let T be 0;
	let S be 1;
	let E be 0;
	let I be Brandon Van Every;
	If the player has the toga, now T is 1;
	repeat with P running through things enclosed by the player
	begin;
		if P is not worn
		begin;
			if P is not the stiffycock and P is not the rusty machete and P is not the toga
			begin;
				if P is not a jungle yummy and T is 0
				begin;
					now E is E plus one;
					now I is P;
				end if;
				if P is a jungle yummy 
				begin;
					now E is E plus one;
					now I is P;
				end if;
			end if;
		end if;
	end repeat;
	if E > 1
	begin;
		say "There's a bit of a problem with that plan: you don't have enough hands.  [run paragraph on]";
		if anything is worn by the player, say "Anything you're wearing presents no problem.  [run paragraph on]";
		if T is 1, say "You can carry small items [if the toga is worn]in the folds of your[otherwise]twisted up in the[end if] toga[if the toga is not worn], which you can wrap around your arm[end if].  [run paragraph on]";
		if the player has the rusty machete, say "You can carry the machete between your teeth like a pirate.  [run paragraph on]";
		say "However, about the time you get to [the I], you no longer have a hand free for [encumbered action].";
		rule fails;
	otherwise;
		rule succeeds;
	end if.
	

Test to-shrine with "test to-shipboard / test sb1 / test sb2 /test sb3 / test sbwhale".

Test africa1 with "w/w/w/w/s/w/w/get machete/w/n/get melon".
Test africa2 with "cut melon with machete/fuck melon/s/s/cut cane/get cane/n/w/n/n/give cane".
Test africa3 with "s/s/e/get coconut/w/n/n/n/e/wear toga/n/remove beard/remove tallis/remove signet ring/give coconut/e/e".
Test africa4 with "remove toga/take banana/z/z/jump".
Test africa with "test africa1/test africa2/test africa3/test africa4".

Test min-africa with "w/w/w/w/s/w/w/get machete/w/s/cut cane/get cane/n/w/n/n/give cane/test africa3/test africa4".

Book One - "Transportation"

Ridiculous Animalistic Vehicles is a region.  Real Whale Interior and Hippopotamus Interior are rooms in Ridiculous Animalistic Vehicles.

Part One - "Whale"

Leviathan's Lunch is a recurring scene.  Leviathan's Lunch begins when the location is Real Whale Interior.  Leviathan's Lunch ends when the location is not Real Whale Interior.

Real Whale Interior is a dark room.  The description is "Cramped.  Close-fitting.  Smells like anchovies.  Yuck."  The printed name is "Whale Interior".  Instead of smelling in the Real Whale Interior, say "Ugh.  It smells like rotting anchovies."

The whale_scenery is scenery in Real Whale Interior.  The description is "Slimy, pink, and claustrophobic.  Not to mention the smell."  The printed name is "whale".  Understand "whale", "slimy", "pink", "claustrophobic", "cramped", "crowded", "smelly", "stinky", "smell", "stink", "anchovy", "anchovies", "rotting", "digestive", "system", "belly", "stomach", "rotten", "close", and "close-fitting" as the whale_scenery.   Instead of fucking the whale_scenery, say "Slimy and pink and fish-smelling, yes.  Totally disgusting?  Also yes."

The Whaley Blowhole is scenery in Real Whale Interior.  The description is "Are you a complete retard?  The blowhole is connected to the respiratory system.  You're in the digestive system."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the Whaley Blowhole, try examining the Whaley Blowhole.

Instead of doing anything other than waiting, examining, fucking, looking, wearing, taking off, or taking inventory in Real Whale Interior, say "There's not really enough room to do, well, much of anything.  Except wait for digestion."

Every turn during Leviathan's Lunch:
	if the time since Leviathan's Lunch began is two minutes, say "The whale lurches suddenly and speeds up.  It dives a bit, leaps into the air, dives a little deeper, leaps a little higher.  It seems to be working up to a really deep dive.";
	if the time since Leviathan's Lunch began is three minutes and Real Whale Interior is not warned_about, say "A familiar female voice speaks inside your head.  'That Yahweh putz.  Hang on, Stiffy.  Help is on the way.'";
	if the time since Leviathan's Lunch began is four minutes, say "The whale leaps into the air; you know the next dive is going to be deep.  At the apex of its jump, just when you should start falling back, you're slammed down as something grabs the whale.  The whale thrashes violently, and then is still.  The voice in your head says, '[if Real Whale Interior is not warned_about]Gotcha!  Bite me, Yahweh[otherwise]Here we go again[end if].'";
	if the time since Leviathan's Lunch began is nine minutes and Whale Interior is not warned_about
	begin;
		now Real Whale Interior is warned_about;
		say "Eris speaks again.  'Almost here.  Listen closely: the blue hippo is your ride.  It's a little nicer than this dump.  Just hop in the mouth when you're ready to go.'";
	end if;
	if the time since Leviathan's Lunch began is ten minutes
	begin;
		say "With a horrible rending sound, an enormous claw removes most of the whale, and you tumble down the side of a mountain, bouncing and rolling, finally coming to rest shaken and a bit bruised, but unhurt.";
		move the player to the Hidden Valley;
	end if.
	
	
Part Two - "Hippo"

Test hippo with "z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z".

Riverhorse Rambling is a recurring scene.  Riverhorse Rambling begins when the location is Hippopotamus Interior.  Riverhorse Rambling ends when the location is not Hippopotamus Interior.

Hippopotamus Interior is a room.  The description is "This is a rather tastefully-decorated little room, especially for something that's inside a hippopotamus.  The wallpaper is delightful.  Not much of a view, though."

Hippo_scenery is scenery in Hippopotamus Interior.  The printed name is "wallpaper".  The description is "Delightful!"  Understand "delightful", "wallpaper", "tasteful", "decorated", "tastefully", "tastefully-decorated", "hippo", "hippopotamus", "little", "room", and "small" as the hippo_scenery.  Instead of fucking the hippo_scenery, say "The wallpaper is delightful, but not quite [italic type]that[roman type] delightful."

Hippo_scenery2 is scenery.  The printed name is "wallpaper".  The description is "Delightful!"  Understand "delightful", "interior", "wallpaper", "charming", "decorated", "charmingly", and "charmingly-decorated" as the hippo_scenery2.

Hippo_view is scenery in Hippopotamus Interior.  The description is "The view is nonexistent, to be frank."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the hippo_view, try examining the hippo_view.  Understand "view" as the hippo_view.  The printed name is "view".

Every turn during Riverhorse Rambling:
	if the Golden Banana is not held by the player
	begin;
		if the time since Riverhorse Rambling began is two minutes, say "A piercing whistle splits the air outside the hippopotamus, and then Eris shouts, 'Hey!  Over here!  Yummy yummy blue hippo!  Pollywannahippo?'  You hear a hoarse and titanic caw, and then the beating of huge wings.";
		if the time since Riverhorse Rambling began is three minutes, say "The hippopotamus lurches as it is snatched into the air by the bird.";
	otherwise;
		if the time since Riverhorse Rambling began is one minute, say "You are thrown to the floor as the Mweru bird strikes the hippopotamus and, straining, pulls out of its dive.";
		if the time since Riverhorse Rambling began is three minutes, say "There is a burst of static in your ears, and then Eris's voice: 'Nice going, Stiffy.  Now get the Banana unwrapped, and then bring it to me on Olympus.'";
	end if;
	if the time since Riverhorse Rambling began is six minutes, say "The hippopotamus shakes violently as you encounter some turbulence.";
	if the time since Riverhorse Rambling began is nine minutes, say "Your ears pop as the hippopotamus and you begin a steep descent.";
	if the time since Riverhorse Rambling began is ten minutes
	begin;
		say "As the Mweru bird dips the hippopotamus into the ocean to salt it, you tumble out of the mouth, fortuitously tumbling directly onto the deck of the [italic type]Golden Ass[roman type].  Palinurus applauds.";
		now the fake beard is not_warned_about;
		move the player to Poop Deck;
	end if.
	
The blue hippo is a male animal.  He is in Hidden Valley.  The initial appearance is "A shiny blue hippopotamus stands, looking dazed, in a small pond."  The description is "This hippopotamus doesn't look very naturalistic.  It's about the right size, but it's bright blue with black line drawings of lotus blossoms on its head and sides, and unnaturally shiny[39 as a footnote]."  Understand "William", "shiny", "dazed", "hippopotamus", "faience", "lotus", "head", "side", "sides", "blossom", "blossoms", "black", "line", "blossoms", and "ceramic" as the blue hippo.  Instead of entering the blue hippo, try entering the blue hippo's mouth.  The default reply of the blue hippo is "The hippo stares at you uncomprehendingly from its little black eyes."  The blue hippo is unspeakable.  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the blue hippo: no.

The blue hippo's eyes are part of the blue hippo.  The description is "The hippo's eyes are small and black."  Understand "small", "little", "black", and "eye" as the blue hippo's eyes.

The blue hippo's mouth is part of the blue hippo.  The blue hippo's mouth can be openable.  The blue hippo's mouth is openable.  The blue hippo's mouth can be open.  The blue hippo's mouth is not open.  The blue hippo's mouth can be closed.  It is closed.  The description is "[if the blue hippo's mouth is open]The hippo's jaws gape wide, revealing, oddly, a cozy room with delightful wallpaper inside[otherwise]The hippo has a friendly smile[end if]."  Understand "mouth", "jaw", "jaws", "friendly", and "smile" as the blue hippo's mouth.  The blue hippo's mouth can be enterable.  Instead of entering the blue hippo's mouth:
	if the blue hippo's mouth is closed, instead say "The hippopotamus's mouth is closed.";
	say "You clamber into the hippopotamus's mouth and slither down into the room.  The jaws snap shut behind you.";
	now the blue hippo's mouth is closed;
	move the player to Hippopotamus Interior.
	
The small pond is carried by the blue hippo.  The description is "The hippo entirely fills the small pond."  Instead of swimming around in the small pond, try taking the small pond.
	
Instead of opening the blue hippo's mouth:
	if the blue hippo's mouth is open, instead say "The hippo's mouth is open already.";
	say "That, I am afraid, is under the hippo's control."
	
Instead of closing the blue hippo's mouth:
	if the blue hippo's mouth is closed, instead say "The hippo's mouth is already closed.";
	say "That's the hippo's decision to make, not yours."

Book Two - "Shrine Of The Golden Banana"

Part One - "Hidden Valley"

Hidden Valley is a room.   The description is "This is a small round valley, surrounded by mighty crags, on one of which perches a horrifying yellow bird, messily devouring a whale.  To the west, a footpath leads up to a pass between peaks; at the pass's summit, the path goes through a pergola made from the ribcage of an enormous elephant."  Instead of going inside in Hidden Valley, try entering the blue hippo's mouth.

Instead of going up in Hidden Valley, try going west.   Before going west in Hidden Valley: 
	consider the are-you-ready-to-jungle-rumble rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action.
	
The jungle warning list is a list of truth states that varies.  The jungle warning list is {false, false, false, false}. [The order of warnings: player has been warned about reading neither papyrus, player has been warned about one of the papyrus fragments but not the other, the converse of that last statement, and whether the player has received generic Erisian warning].

This is the are-you-ready-to-jungle-rumble rule:
	let T be 0; 
	if the ragged papyrus fragment is not warned_about 
	begin;
		if the jagged papyrus fragment is not warned_about
		begin;
			if entry 1 of the jungle warning list is false
			begin;
				now entry 1 of the jungle warning list is true;
				now T is 1;
				say "Eris's voice whispers in your ear.  'Really, Stiffy, you haven't done your homework.  There are two fragments of a document in Alexandria that could help you.  One is in the obvious place, and the other is somewhere in the palace.  I'd really recommend that you go look for them before venturing into the jungle.'[paragraph break]";
			end if;
		otherwise;
			if entry 2 of the jungle warning list is true
			begin;
				now entry 2 of the jungle warning list is true;
				now T is 1;
				say "Eris's voice whispers in your ear.  'Stiffy, Stiffy, Stiffy.  You found half of the jungle survival instructions all right, but you're still missing the other half of the page.  It's in the most obvious place it could possibly be in Alexandria.  I think you should read it, too, before braving the jungle.'[paragraph break]";
			end if;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		if the jagged papyrus fragment is not warned_about
		begin;
			if entry 3 of the jungle warning list is false
			begin;
				now entry 3 of the jungle warning list is true;
				now T is 1;
				say "Eris's voice whispers in your ear.  'Stiffy, Stiffy, Stiffy.  You found half of the jungle survival instructions all right, but you're still missing the other half of the page.  It's somewhere in the palace in Alexandria.  You should probably read it, too, before entering the jungle.'[paragraph break]";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if; 	
	if entry 4 of the jungle warning list is false
	begin;
		now entry 4 of the jungle warning list is true;
		say "Eris's voice [if T is 0]whispers in your ear[otherwise]continues[end if].  '[if the stained piece of papyrus is warned_about]As[otherwise]Just so[end if] you know, it's very dangerous in there, and neither I nor any other god will be able to help you.  If you do anything stupid, you're dead.  So watch your step.'[paragraph break]";
		now T is 1;
	end if;
	if T is 1
	begin;
		say "You halt.";
		rule fails;
	otherwise;
		rule succeeds;
	end if.
		
The Mweru bird is an animal in Hidden Valley.  It is scenery.  The description is "The bird is gargantuan and terrifying, resembling a bright yellow canary the size of the Great Pyramid.  It perches in a titanic nest atop a crag, messily eating Leviathan as an eagle might eat a salmon, its cruel talons rending the whale's flesh, its beak dyed scarlet with blood.  Gobbets and bits of flesh rain down from its meal."  Understand "gargantuan", "vicious", "terrifying", "horrifying", "scarlet", "bright", "yellow", "roc", "canary", "cruel", "beak", "talon", "claw" as the Mweru bird.  instead of doing anything other than examining with the Mweru bird, say "The bird is[emdash]thankfully[emdash]a long way away."

Some whale gobbets are scenery in the Hidden Valley.  The description is "Chunks of whale, ranging in size from tiny to larger than you, continuously rain from the bird's messy repast."  Understand "blood", "bloody", "bit", "bits", "gobbets", "chunk", "chunks", "rain", "raining", "whale", and "meat" as the whale gobbets.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the whale gobbets, say "Er, no."

Some crags are a backdrop in the Hidden Valley.  They are in High on a Hillside and Mountain Pass.  The description is "The crags might not be unclimbable, but you certainly have no real desire to climb them."  Understand "crag", "mountain", "mountains", "peak", and "peaks" as the crags.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the crags, say "The mountain peaks are far away."

The elephant ribcage is a door.  It is scenery.  It is west of the Hidden Valley.  It is east of High on a Hillside.  It is open.  It is not openable.  The description is "The elephant's ribcage forms a gleaming white pergola overhung with creepers draped with violet flowers."  Understand "pergola", "pass",  "summit", "white", "gleaming", "mighty", "enormous", "elephant's", and "ribs" as the elephant ribcage.  Instead of smelling, touching, rubbing, tasting, sucking, wanking off, or fucking the elephant ribcage, say "It's too far away."

Some far_away_creepers are scenery in the Hidden Valley.  Understand "vine", "vines", "creepers", "creeper", "fragrant", "flower", "flowers", "violet", "and draped" as the far_away_creepers.  The description is "The flowers are too far away to make out clearly."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the far_away_creepers, try examining the far_away_creepers.  The printed name is "violet creepers".  

The Mweru bird's nest is scenery in the Hidden Valley.  The description is "Giant palm trees make up the twigs of this colossal nest, nestled on a crag high above the ribcage."  Understand "giant", "palm", "tree", "trees", "twig", "twigs", "colossal", "titanic", and "roost" as the Mweru bird's nest.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the Mweru bird's nest, say "It's far away, and occupied by a gargantuan, vicious canary."

Part Two - "Jungle Descent"

High on a Hillside is a room.  The description is "Just east of the mighty elephant's ribcage, the path begins to descend steeply.  You are now about a hundred yards below the ribcage.  The same violet creepers adorning the ribcage flower all around you.  Below you to the west and south you can see a valley containing a stream, which appears to plunge into a ravine west of you.  Farther west there is another ridge, rising to a bare stone slope.  Jagged crags and sudden cliffs make up the view to the north and south."  Instead of going up in High on a Hillside, try going east.  Instead of going down in High on a Hillside, try going west.

The scenery_valley is a backdrop in High on a Hillside.  it is in Mountain Pass.  The description is "A stream flows through the valley and vanishes into a ravine."  Understand "stream", "valley", "canyon", "defile", "plunge", and "creek" as the scenery_valley.  The printed name is "valley".

The scenery_ridge is a backdrop in High on a Hillside.  It is in East Side of Chasm, Canyon's Edge, Waterfall Overlook, Rocky Ford, Narrow Chasm, and Precarious Ledge.  The description is "Jungled hill rises to a talus slope, and above that are stone cliffs.  Off to the north, the ridge terminates at a sudden drop.  A switchback path climbs the talus and vanishes into a notch in the cliffs."  Understand "ridge", "hill", "jungled", "talus", "slope", "stone", "cliff", "cliffs", "notch", "path", "switchback", and "scree" as the scenery_ridge.  The printed name is "ridge".  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_ridge, say "The ridge is too far away."

Instead of going north in High on a Hillside for the first time:
	say "You pause, wondering if you are really equipped for mountaineering."
	
Instead of going north in High on a Hillside:
	say "You set out across the precarious scree.  Sooner rather than later, you feel pebbles start to slide under your feet, and, hapless, you skate off the edge of a cliff, plummeting hundreds of feet onto sharp rocks.";
	end the story saying "You have fallen to your death".
	
Instead of going south in High on a Hillside:
	try going north.
	
Some violet creepers are scenery in High on a Hillside.  Understand "vine", "vines", "creeper", "perfume", "heady", "perfumes", "fragrant", "flower", "flowers", "draped", "blossom", and "blossoms" as the violet creepers.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or smelling the violet creepers, say "Leave the flowers unmolested."  Instead of smelling the violet creepers, say "They smell of heady perfumes."  The description is "The path is choked with creepers covered in fragrant violet flowers."

Jungle Slope is a room.  It is west from High on a Hillside.  The description is "The hill begins to flatten out here.  To the east, the path climbs steeply, switchbacking up towards the pass.  The path continues to descend to the west.  Thick and trackless jungle stretches away to the north and south."  Instead of going down in Jungle Slope, try going west.  Instead of going up in Jungle Slope, try going east.  Instead of going north in Jungle slope, try entering the dense jungle.  Instead of going south in Jungle Slope, try going north.

Part Three - "East Bank of Stream"

The far_away_stream is a backdrop.  It is in Canyon's Edge, East Side of Chasm, West Side of Chasm, Narrow Chasm, and Precarious Ledge.  The description is "Far below, the silver thread of a stream winds through the canyon."  Understand "stream", "silver", "thread",  "silvery", "creek", "water", "fast", "fast-moving", "ravine", "defile", "chasm", and "canyon" as the far_away_stream.  The printed name is "stream".  The far_away_stream can be enterable.  It is enterable.
Instead of entering the far_away_stream, try jumping into the far_away_stream.
Instead of diving into  the far_away_stream, try jumping into the far_away_stream.
Instead of swimming around in the far_away_stream, try jumping into the far_away_stream.
Instead of jumping over the far_away_stream:
	if the location is not Precarious ledge, instead say "The stream is much too wide to jump.";
	try jumping over the scenery_western_bank.
Instead of jumping into the far_away_stream for the first time, say "You're aware that's suicide, right?"
Instead of jumping into the far_away_stream:
	say "You leap into the stream and break yourself fatally on its rocks.";
	end the story saying "You have jumped from a great height into a shallow stream".
This is the stream-warning rule:
	say "The only way down would be to jump into the stream."
Instead of doing anything other than examining, entering, swimming around in, diving into, jumping over, or jumping into with the far_away_stream, say "The stream is too far away."

Instead of entering the far_away_stream, try jumping into the far_away_stream.

Canyon's Edge is a room.  It is west of Jungle Slope.  "The trail from the mountain pass ends here at the edge of a canyon.  Far below you you can see a stream rushing from south to north through a narrow defile.  The other edge of the chasm is perhaps fifty feet to the west, certainly too far to jump.  A ridge rises across the stream to the west."  Instead of going down in Canyon's Edge, consider the stream-warning rule.  Instead of going west in Canyon's edge, consider the stream-warning rule.

East Side of Chasm is a room.  It is south of Canyon's Edge.  "A rickety footbridge[emdash]really, little more than flimsy-looking boards laid across twisted vines[emdash] spans the canyon to the west, swaying sickeningly in the breeze.  Farther on across the stream, a ridge rises steeply from south to north, jungle covering most of its height, but with a talus slope ascending to sheer obsidian cliffs.  A faint set of switchbacks can be seen climbing the slope to a gap in the cliffs.  The ridge terminates in a knife-edge plummet far to the north.  To the south, a path follows the canyon's edge, and thick jungle rises to your east."  Instead of going up in East Side of Chasm, try going east.  Instead of going east in East Side of Chasm, try entering the dense jungle.  Instead of going down in East Side of Chasm, consider the stream-warning rule.  Before going west in East Side of Chasm, say "Closing your eyes, you step gingerly onto the bridge.  Thousands of tiny, heart-palpitating, shuffling steps later, your fingers are arthritic and sore from your death-grip on the handrail, but you step off onto the western bank of the chasm."

The footbridge is a door.  It is west of East Side of Chasm. It is scenery.  It is open.  It is not openable.  It is unlocked.  It is not lockable.  The description is "The footbridge spans the chasm to the [if the location is East Side of Chasm]west[otherwise]east[end if].  It sways alarmingly in the wind.  It appears to be made up of three cables made from twisted vines: two of the ropes support a deck made of rotten-looking planks woven together with additional vines, and the third makes a sort of handrail.  The bridge is perhaps a hundred feet long."  Understand "bridge", "suspension", "rickety", "rocking", "swaying", "sickening", "twisting", and "alarming" as the footbridge.  Instead of touching or rubbing the footbridge, say "The bridge rocks under your touch."  Instead of tasting or smelling the footbridge, say "Vines.  Wood.  What did you expect?"  Instead of attacking the footbridge, try attacking the scenery_ropes.  Instead of cutting the footbridge, try cutting the scenery_ropes.  Instead of burning the footbridge, try burning the scenery_ropes.  Instead of attacking the footbridge with something, try attacking the scenery_ropes with the second noun.  Check taking the footbridge: instead say "The footbridge is much too large to simply pick up."

Some scenery_ropes are a backdrop in East Side of Chasm.  They are in West Side of Chasm.  "The cables are made of twisted vines, and on further inspection actually seem sound and quite strong."  The printed name is "ropes".   Understand "twisted", "rope", "ropes", "cable", "cables", "vine", "sturdy", "strong", "vines", "three", and "two" as the scenery_ropes.  Instead of touching or rubbing the scenery_ropes, say "The ropes are quite sturdy."  Instead of tasting or smelling the scenery_ropes, try smelling the footbridge.
	Instead of burning the scenery_ropes, say "You have no source of fire."
	Instead of cutting the scenery_ropes:
		if the rusty machete is held by the player, instead try attacking the scenery_ropes with the rusty machete;
		say "Your best karate chop has no effect on the ropes."
	Instead of attacking the scenery_ropes, try cutting the scenery_ropes.
	Before attacking the scenery_ropes with something:
		if the second noun is the rusty machete
		begin;
			say "You wind up and take a swing at one of the cables with the machete.  It parts with a loud snap, and recoils directly into your face.  Blinded, you stagger and topple over the edge into the chasm.";
			end the story saying "You have been a victim of your own enthusiasm";
			stop the action;
		end if;
		say "Saw as you might, [the second noun] just doesn't make an effective knife.";
		stop the action.
	Instead of taking the scenery_ropes, say "The ropes are much too big to take."

The scenery_deck is a backdrop in East Side of Chasm.  It is in West Side of Chasm.  "The deck of the bridge is made of wooden planks, which, on closer inspection, are less rotten than they at first appear."  Instead of touching or rubbing the scenery_deck, say "The wood seems surprisingly sound."  Instead of attacking the scenery_deck, try attacking the scenery_ropes.  Instead of attacking the scenery_deck with something, try attacking the scenery_ropes with the second noun.  Instead of burning the scenery_deck, try burning the scenery_ropes.  Instead of cutting the scenery_deck, try cutting the scenery_ropes.  Instead of tasting or smelling the scenery_deck, try smelling the footbridge.  Understand "deck", "board", "plank", "planks", "boards", "flimsy", "flimsy-looking", "rotten", "sound", "wood", "wooden", and "rotting" as the scenery_deck.  Instead of taking the scenery_deck, say "It's firmly secured by vines."

The scenery_breeze is a backdrop in East Side of Chasm.  "A breeze comes up off the stream far below."  The printed name is "breeze".  Understand "wind", "breeze", and "gust" as the scenery_breeze.  Instead of tasting the scenery_breeze, try smelling the scenery_breeze.  Instead of smelling the scenery_breeze, say "It smells of fast-moving water."  Instead of doing anything other than examining, smelling, or tasting the scenery_breeze, say "The breeze is insubstantial."

Waterfall Overlook is a room.  It is south of East Side of Chasm.  "A narrow path winds through dense jungle near a cliff edge.  Here you can peer over the drop and see, just to the west, the stream tumbling down several cascades, in a waterfall some two hundred feet high.  Beyond the stream rises a ridge.  To the south, it looks like the stream becomes more or less level with the path."  Instead of going east in Waterfall Overlook, try entering the dense jungle.  Instead of going up in Waterfall Overlook, try going east.   Instead of listening when the location is Waterfall Overlook, try listening to the scenery_waterfall.

The scenery_waterfall is scenery in Waterfall Overlook.  The description is "The waterfall is about two hundred feet, top to bottom, in several cascades."  The printed name is "waterfall".  Instead of listening to the scenery_waterfall, say "The waterfall booms and roars."  Instead of doing anything other than examining, listening, swimming around in, jumping into, diving into, jumping over, or entering with the scenery_waterfall, say "The waterfall is too far away."  Understand "waterfall", "falls", "cascade", "cascades", "boom", "booming", "roar", "roaring" as the scenery_waterfall.  The scenery_waterfall can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of jumping over the scenery_waterfall, say "It's much too wide to jump."  Instead of entering the scenery_waterfall for the first time, say "Trying to swim in the waterfall would be a quick death, at least."  Instead of jumping into the scenery_waterfall, try entering the scenery_waterfall.  Instead of swimming around in the scenery_waterfall, try entering the scenery_waterfall.  Instead of diving into the scenery_waterfall, try entering the scenery_waterfall.   Instead of entering the scenery_waterfall:
	say "The crushing force of the water kills you before you can drown.";
	end the story saying "You have been crushed by a waterfall".

Rocky Ford is a room.  It is south of Waterfall Overlook.  "The path widens somewhat as it descends to the stream, which here looks like it's little more than four or five feet deep, although fast-moving and full of sharp and slippery rocks.  The land rises steeply on the other side of the creek.  To the south the path vanishes in mucky marshland."  Instead of swimming in Rocky Ford, try swimming around in the scenery_stream.

The scenery_marsh is scenery in Rocky Ford.  The description is "South of here, the ground turns to a fetid soup of reeds and muck."  Understand "reed","reeds","soft","marsh", "marshland", "muck", "mucky", "mud", "muddy", "quicksand", "swamp", "swampy", "bog", "boggy", and "marshy" as the scenery_marsh.  The scenery_marsh can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_marsh for the first time, say "You hesitate.  The ground seems awfully soft in that direction."  Instead of entering the scenery_marsh:
	say "You have gone less than twenty yards when the ground becomes liquid underneath you, and you are swallowed by a pit of quicksand.  Several agonizing minutes later, you finally drown.";
	end the story saying "You have succumbed to quicksand".
	
Before swimming around in when the location is Rocky Ford:
	if the second noun is east, instead try swimming around in the scenery_stream.
	
The scenery_stream is scenery in Rocky Ford.  The description is "The stream is about thirty feet wide and four or five feet deep here, you think, with a dangerously swift current.  Jagged, slick rocks form the streambed, full of treacherous holes and hidden snares."  Understand "stream", "creek", "swift", "current", "dangerous", "dangerously", "jagged", "slick", "fast", "fast-moving", "aerated", "water", "rock", "rocks", "treacherous", "hole", "holes", "hidden", "snare", and "snares" as the scenery_stream.  The printed name is "stream".  The scenery_stream can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of jumping over the scenery_stream, say "It's too wide to jump".  Instead of swimming around in the scenery_stream, try entering the scenery_stream.  Instead of jumping into the scenery_stream, try entering the scenery_stream.  Instead of tasting the scenery_stream, say "The water is clear, cold, and refreshing."  Instead of smelling the scenery_stream, say "The stream smells like fast-moving, aerated water."  Instead of taking the scenery_stream, say "You splash some water on yourself.  It chills and refreshes you."  Instead of listening to the scenery_stream, say "The creek splashes noisily, but you can hear the boom of a waterfall not far to the north."  Instead of entering the scenery_stream:
	say "You get about ten feet out in the stream before a rock shifts underfoot, dumping you into the current.  Although you get your head above water and try to stand up and stop, the channel has become too deep, and, flailing wildly, you are carried inexorably over the waterfall.";
	end the story saying "You have gone over the falls".  Instead of diving into the scenery_stream, try jumping into the scenery_stream.

Instead of going east in Rocky Ford, try entering the dense jungle.  Instead of going up in Rocky Ford, try going east.  Instead of going down in Rocky Ford, try going west.  Instead of going south in Rocky Ford, try entering the scenery_marsh.  Instead of going west in Rocky Ford, try swimming around in the scenery_stream.

Narrow Chasm is a room.  It is north of Canyon's Edge.  Instead of going east in Narrow Chasm, try entering the dense jungle.  Instead of going up in Narrow Chasm, try going west.  Instead of going down in Narrow Chasm, consider the stream-warning rule.  Instead of going north in Narrow Chasm, say "The descent to the north is impassable."  The description is "The chasm narrows here, to a mere twenty feet or so across.  Just above you, a precarious ledge juts out across the stream.  It might be possible to jump from that ledge to the far bank.  Dense jungle presses in on the east, and to the north the ground tumbles away in an unclimbable jumbled pile of rock."  

Precarious Ledge is a room.  It is west of Narrow Chasm.  The description is "You are on a narrow perch of rock high above the stream.  The western bank of the river is only about ten feet away, and at about the same height as your ledge.  You might be able to make the leap."  Instead of going west in Precarious Ledge, try jumping over the scenery_western_bank.  Instead of going down in Precarious Ledge, try going east.  Instead of going north in Precarious Ledge, try going south.  Instead of going south in Precarious Ledge, consider the stream-warning rule.

The scenery_western_bank is scenery in Precarious Ledge.  The description is "The western bank is made of crumbling clay, and is badly undercut.  It looks quite unstable."  Understand "west", "western", "bank", "crumbling", "clay", "undercut", "other", "side", and "unstable" as the scenery_western_bank.  Instead of jumping over the far_away_stream when the location is Precarious Ledge, try jumping over the scenery_western_bank.  Instead of jumping when the location is Precarious Ledge, try jumping over the scenery_western_bank.  Instead of jumping over the scenery_western_bank:
	say "You take a running leap and fling yourself at the western bank.  You land on your belly, and grab at some vines.  They pull out of the bank, bringing dirt with them.  As you scrabble desperately for purchase, the rest of the overhanging bank collapses, and, with a despairing scream, you plummet onto the rocks far below.";
	end the story saying "You have fallen to your doom".

Part Four - "Western Ridge and Lakeshore"

West Side of Chasm is a room.  It is west of the footbridge.  "A faint path leads away from the chasm into the jungle to the west, climbing sharply.  The jungle presses in from the north and south.  To the east, a rickety footbridge spans the canyon."  Instead of going down in West Side of Chasm, consider the stream-warning rule.  Instead of going up in West Side of Chasm, try going west.  Instead of going north in West Side of Chasm, try entering the dense jungle.  Instead of going south in West Side of Chasm, try going north.  Before going east in West Side of Chasm, say "You gingerly tiptoe across the bridge, holding on to the handrail cable for dear life."

Before going west in West Side of Chasm, say "After a long and exhausting climb through dense forest, and then a perilous scramble up a talus slope, you finally attain the summit of the pass."

Mountain Pass is west of West Side of Chasm.  "From here, the landscape falls away to east and west.  East of you is a valley, with a stream plummeting through a ravine, and beyond that, another ridge.  At a pass at the top of that ridge, you can just make out the whitened ribcage of a colossal elephant.  To the west, the path descends to a spit of land protruding into a large lake perhaps a quarter mile across and a mile long.  Sheer craggy cliffs form the ridgeline north and south."    Instead of going north in Mountain Pass, try going south.  Instead of going south in Mountain Pass, say "You can't see any way to climb the peaks."  Instead of going down in Mountain Pass, say "The path descends to both the east and the west."

The scenery_ridge_2 is a backdrop in Mountain Pass.  It is in the Plateau.  It is in Up a Tree.  The description is "Far away to the east, you can see a ridge, a winding path, and at the summit, a white dot that you know to be a weathered elephant's ribcage." The printed name is "ridge".  Understand "ridge", "path", "winding", "windy", "summit", "dot", "ribcage", "elephant", "elephant's", "weathered", and "pass" as the scenery_ridge_2.

The adventurer's skeleton is a thing in Mountain Pass.  "A skeleton, probably the remains of a luckless adventurer[76 as a reference], bleaches in the sun here."  The description is "The skeleton stares with sightless eyes, [if the rusty machete is not handled]its bony fingers still clutching a rusty machete[otherwise]mutely accusing you of the theft of its machete[end if]."  Check taking the skeleton: instead say "You don't really have a use for the adventurer's skeleton."  Understand "dead", "skull", "eyes", "sightless", "bleached", "sun-bleached", "bleaching", "bleachy", "remains", "luckless", "fingers", "bones", "bone", and "corpse" as the adventurer's skeleton.  Instead of smelling or tasting the adventurer's skeleton, say "Nothing but sun-bleached bones."  Instead of rubbing or touching the adventurer's skeleton, say "The bones are smooth."  Instead of wanking off, blowing, or sucking the adventurer's skeleton, say "Not that sort of bone."  

The rusty machete is a thing in the Mountain Pass.  "The skeleton's fingers clutch a rusty machete."  The description is "The machete has seen better days, but it still has an edge of sorts, and could probably be used to do some chopping."  Understand "knife", "chopper", and "sword" as the rusty machete.  Before taking the rusty machete for the first time, say "You carefully pry the dead adventurer's fingers from the machete."

The Palm Grove is west of the Mountain Pass.  "You stand in a grove of coconut palms.  A spit of land extends out into the lake farther to the west, and an obvious trail leads north and south."  Instead of going up in the Palm Grove, say "You can't get a good grip on the slick bark of any of the trees."
The scenery_coconut_palms are scenery in the  Palm Grove.  The description is "Ten or so palms grow here.  None of their coconuts seem ripe yet."  Understand "tree", "trees", "coconuts", "palm", "palms", "slick", "bark", "tough", "scratchy", and "ten" as the scenery_coconut_palms.  The printed name is "coconut palms".  Instead of touching or rubbing the scenery_coconut_palms, say "The bark is tough and scratchy, but fairly slick."  Instead of climbing the scenery_coconut_palms, try going up.  Instead of climbing in the Palm Grove, try going up.  Instead of pushing or pulling the scenery_coconut_palms, say "You shake a tree, but no coconuts fall down."

The coconut is a jungle yummy in the Palm Grove.  The initial appearance is "A brown, hairy coconut lies on the ground under the palm trees."  The description is "It's a brown and hairy coconut, about the size of two fists together."  Understand "brown", "husk", "rough", and "hairy" as the coconut.  Instead of smelling the coconut, say "The husk doesn't smell like much of anything."  Instead of attacking the coconut with the rusty machete:
	say "You split the coconut open with the machete, drink the delicious coconut water, eat the succulent coconut flesh, and toss away the husk.";
	really have the parser notice the machete;
	remove the coconut from play.
	Instead of eating the coconut:
		if the rusty machete is held by the player, instead try attacking the coconut with the rusty machete;
		say "You lack the teeth that would be necessary to split the coconut so you can eat it."
	Instead of rubbing or touching the coconut, say "The coconut is rough and hairy."
	Instead of tasting the coconut, say "The husk is flavorless."

The Melon Patch is north of the Palm Grove.  "This is a small clearing in the jungle, overgrown with melon vines; a path leads back to the coconut grove to the south; the lake is to your west, and jungle surrounds you to the north and east."  Instead of going east in the Melon Patch, try going north.  Instead of going north in the Melon Patch, try entering the dense jungle.

Some scenery_melon_vines are scenery in the Melon Patch.  The description is "The vines twist and tangle[if the muskmelon is in the location and the muskmelon is not handled], almost concealing a ripe melon[end if]."  Understand "vine", "melon", "vines", "twist", "tangle", "twisted", and "tangled" as the scenery_melon_vines.  The printed name is "vines".  Instead of taking the scenery_melon_vines, say "You have no real desire to start uprooting the vines."  Instead of attacking the scenery_melon_vines with the rusty machete, say "[if the muskmelon is in the location and the muskmelon is not handled]You can just take the melon, you know; no need to cut the vines to do so[otherwise]You have no real desire to hack up the vines[end if]."  Instead of tasting, smelling or eating the scenery_melon_vines, say "The vines themselves have no real odor or flavor."  Instead of searching the scenery_melon_vines, say "[if the muskmelon is in the location and the muskmelon is not handled]Well, there's a ripe melon on the vines[otherwise]No more ripe melons are readily apparent[end if]."  

The muskmelon is a jungle yummy in the Melon Patch.  The initial appearance is "Nestled among the vines, you spy a ripe muskmelon."  The description is "This is a ripe muskmelon, about the size of a human head[if the muskmelon is warned_about] with a small hole from which juice dribbles[end if]."  Understand "ripe", "delicious", "musk", "musky", "cantaloupe", "honeydew", and "melon" as the muskmelon.  It has a virginity.  It is unboinked.  Instead of eating the muskmelon:
	say "You [if the rusty machete is held by the player]slice[otherwise]bash[end if] the melon open and greedily gobble its contents.  It's delicious.";
	remove the muskmelon from play;
	remove the muskmelon_hole from play;
	remove the muskmelon_juice from play;
Instead of attacking the muskmelon with the rusty machete:
	if the muskmelon is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "You cut a small hole out of the muskmelon.  Juice dribbles out.";
		now the muskmelon is warned_about;
		now the muskmelon_hole is part of the muskmelon;
		now the muskmelon_juice is part of the muskmelon;
	otherwise;
		now the muskmelon is not_warned_about;
		remove the muskmelon from play;
		remove the muskmelon_hole from play;
		remove the muskmelon_juice from play;
		say "You hack the muskmelon into hundreds of tiny pieces in a frenzy of chopping.";
	end if.
Before cutting the muskmelon:
	if the rusty machete is held by the player, instead try attacking the muskmelon with the rusty machete.
	
Instead of attacking the muskmelon:
	if the rusty machete is held by the player, instead try attacking the muskmelon with the rusty machete;
	if the muskmelon is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "You punch a small hole out of the muskmelon with your thumb.  Juice dribbles out.";
		now the muskmelon is warned_about;
		now the muskmelon_hole is part of the muskmelon;
		now the muskmelon_juice is part of the muskmelon;
	otherwise;
		now the muskmelon is not_warned_about;
		remove the muskmelon from play;
		remove the muskmelon_hole from play;
		remove the muskmelon_juice from play;
		say "You bash the muskmelon into hundreds of tiny pieces in a frenzy of violence.";
	end if.
Before fucking the muskmelon:
	if the muskmelon is warned_about, instead try fucking the muskmelon_hole.
Does the player mean doing something with the muskmelon: it is likely.
	
Instead of smelling the muskmelon, say "Musky.  Hence the name."

The muskmelon_hole is a thing.  The printed name is "hole".  Understand "hole" as the muskmelon_hole.  The description is "A small hole, a little larger than your thumb, pierces the melon."
Check taking the muskmelon_hole: instead try fucking the muskmelon_hole.
Instead of fucking or buggering the muskmelon_hole:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	if the muskmelon is boinked, instead say "While a tremendously rewarding experience, fucking one melon was plenty.";
	say "You begin thrusting into the hole you have made into the muskmelon.  The heat of the sun-warmed melon flesh against your cock is magnificent, and the sticky, syrupy wetness of the melon only adds to the ecstasy of the moment.  Finally you ejaculate with a convulsive shudder, and crush the melon to pieces between your hands as you do so.";
	now the muskmelon is not_warned_about;
	remove the muskmelon from play;
	remove the muskmelon_hole from play;
	remove the muskmelon_juice from play;
	now the muskmelon is boinked;
	record "a muskmelon" as achieved.
	
The muskmelon_juice is a thing.  The muskmelon_juice can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  It is edible.  The printed name is "juice".  Understand "juice" as the muskmelon_juice.  Check taking the muskmelon_juice: instead try drinking the muskmelon_juice.  Instead of tasting or drinking the muskmelon_juice, say "The juice is sweet and delicious."  Instead of examining the muskmelon_juice, say "A little juice dribbles down the side of the muskmelon."

The Cane Field is south of the Palm Grove.  "The ground is a little swampy here.  Sugar cane grows in great profusion.  The lake lies below you to the west, and jungle rises to the east and south."  Instead of going east in the Cane Field, try going south.  Instead of going south in the cane field, try entering the dense jungle.

The scenery_sugar_cane is scenery in the Cane Field.  The description is "Stands of sugar cane grow in the swampy field.  The canes rise about eight feet high, and some are three inches in diameter."  Understand "sugar", "cane", "canes", "stalk", "stand", "stands", "stalks", "field", "eight", "high", "feet", "three", "inches", "diameter", "inch", "tough", and "plant" as the scenery_sugar_cane.  The printed name is "stalks of sugar cane".  Instead of cutting the scenery_sugar_cane:
	if the rusty machete is held by the player, instead try attacking the scenery_sugar_cane with the rusty machete;
	try attacking the scenery_sugar_cane.
Instead of attacking the scenery_sugar_cane with the rusty machete:
	if the sugar cane is in the location, instead say "You've already cut one length of cane, and feel no immediate need for another.";
	say "You hack at the sugar cane with your machete, and soon succeed in cutting five feet or so of its stalk free.";
	move the sugar cane to the location.
Instead of taking, pushing or pulling the scenery_sugar_cane, try attacking the scenery_sugar_cane.
Instead of attacking the scenery_sugar_cane, say "The cane is sharp and firmly-rooted, and you come off second-best."
Instead of attacking the scenery_sugar_cane with something, say "Try as you might, [the second noun] is no match for the tough stalks of the sugar cane."

The sugar cane is a jungle yummy.  The description is "This is a length of sugar cane, cut to five feet or so."  It is edible.  Instead of eating, tasting, or sucking the sugar cane, say "You suck on the cane a while; it is sweet and cloying, but very tasty."  Does the player mean doing something with the sugar cane: it is likely.  Instead of rubbing or wanking off the sugar cane, say "Stroke it as you might, you are unable to cause syrup to spurt from the cane."

The Spit of Land is west of the Palm Grove.  "You stand on a peninsula extending almost to the middle of the lake, which extends to the west, north, and south.  The western shore is perhaps two hundred yards distant, while the northern and southern shores are each about half a mile away."  Instead of swimming around in the Spit of Land: if the noun is a direction and the noun is not east, try going the noun.  Instead of swimming in the Spit of Land, say "You could swim to the north, west, or south."

Before going north in the Spit of Land:
	now the encumbered action is "swimming";
	consider the jungle encumbrance rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action.
	
Before going south in the Spit of Land:
	now the encumbered action is "swimming";
	consider the jungle encumbrance rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action.
	
Before going west in the Spit of Land:
	now the encumbered action is "swimming";
	consider the jungle encumbrance rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action.

The scenery_african_lake is a backdrop in the Spit of Land.  It is in the African Lake.  It is in North Shore of the Lake.  The printed name is "lake".  The scenery_african_lake can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  The description is "The water is murky, brown, and deep."  Understand "lake","water","dark","deep", "murky", "muddy", and "brown" as the scenery_african_lake.  Instead of tasting or drinking the scenery_african_lake, say "The water tastes slightly muddy."  Instead of digging the scenery_african_lake, say "Digging in water would be a neat trick, wouldn't it?" Instead of swimming around in the scenery_african_lake, try swimming.  Instead of jumping into or diving into the scenery_african_lake:
	if the location is Spit of Land, instead try swimming;
	say "You're soaking in it[77 as a reference]."

Instead of going south in the Spit of Land:
	say "You swim blithely south, straight into the mouth of a waiting crocodile.";
	end the story saying "You have been eaten by a crocodile".
Instead of going west in the Spit of Land, consider the python-gulping rule.

This is the python-gulping rule:
	say "You strike out for the western shore.  It's not far, and you reach it easily.  As you begin to pull yourself up on some roots at the shoreline, a huge snake drops down from the trees above and engulfs you.";
	end the story saying "You have been swallowed by a python".

Part Five - "Lake"

The Middle of the Lake is a water_room.  It is north of the Spit of Land.  It is in African Lake.  The description is "You are swimming in the middle of the north half of the lake.  Land is about two hundred yards away to the east and west; the spit of land is about a quarter mile to your south, and the north shore of the lake is about a quarter mile to the north."  Instead of going west in the Middle of the Lake, consider the python-gulping rule.  Instead of going east in the Middle of the Lake:
	say "As you head to the east, something huge and sinewy yanks you under the water and quickly devours you.  As you disappear into its maw, you can see that it appears to be an improbably huge arowana.";
	end the story saying "You have been eaten by an outsized African arowana".

The North End of the Lake is a water_room.  It is north of the Middle of the Lake.  It is in African Lake.  The description is "You are only thirty yards or so from the north shore of the lake.  To the west, the edge of the water is about a hundred yards away.  A stream from the east feeds the lake, and a peninsula bisects the lake about half a mile south."  Before going when the location is the North End of the Lake:
	if the Lake Guardian is in the location, instead consider the guardian-gulping rule.
	
Before going west in the North End of the Lake:
	if the Lake Guardian is in the location, instead consider the guardian-gulping rule;
	consider the python-gulping rule;
	stop the action.
	
Before going east in the North End of the Lake:
	if the Lake Guardian is in the location, instead consider the guardian-gulping rule;
	say "You make no headway against the current.";
	stop the action.

The Lake Guardian is an animal in the North End of the Lake.  The initial appearance is "A hideous, giant, frog-like creature[emdash]if frogs were the size of elephants and festooned with tentacles[emdash]floats here in the dark water, regarding you with slitted red eyes."  It is unspeakable.  The default reply of the Lake Guardian is "The creature makes no sound."  The description is "The beast is at least nine feet wide, and floats on the water like a huge, flattened toad, lazily swishing its many tentacles.  It watches you with unblinking red eyes."  Understand "creature", "toad", "flat", "flattened", "hideous", "giant", "monster", "monstrous", "tentacle", "tentacles", "festooned", "size", "nine", "feet", "huge", "lazily", "lazy", "frog", "froghemoth", "behemoth", and "warty" as the Lake Guardian.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or smelling with the Lake Guardian, consider the guardian-gulping rule.
Some unblinking red eyes are part of the Lake Guardian.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "slit" and "slitted" as the unblinking red eyes.  The description is "The eyes do not blink as they stare back at you."
A lipless mouth is part of the Lake Guardian.  The description is "The creature's mouth is about seven feet wide and could easily swallow you whole.  Fortunately, it is closed at the moment."
Instead of giving or showing something to the Lake Guardian:
	if the noun is the stiffycock, instead try fucking the Lake Guardian;
	say "Quick as a flash, a huge mottled tongue licks out of the wide and lipless mouth and snatches [the noun].  The creature swallows it whole without otherwise moving.";
	remove the noun from play.
Instead of giving or showing the sugar cane to the Lake Guardian:
	say "The tongue coils around the cane four times, and then jerks it back towards the mouth.  The creature somehow gets the cane caught diagonally in its huge lipless mouth, wedging it open.  Dark water rushes in, and in a sudden whirlpool of bubbles, the beast disappears from sight into the blackness of the lake.";
	remove the Lake Guardian from play;
	remove the sugar cane from play;
	now the froghemoth clock is 1.
Instead of smelling the Lake Guardian, try smelling.
Before smelling when the location is the North End of the Lake:
	if the Lake Guardian is in the location, instead say "It's impossible to ignore the overpowering foetor of death that wafts from the vile creature."
.
	
This is the guardian-gulping rule:
	say "The hideous mouth slowly opens, and, too fast for the eye to follow, the vile tongue flickers out, effortlessly snaring you around the chest and reeling you in.";
	end the story saying "You have been devoured by the Guardian of the Lake".
	
Part Six - "North Shore and Shrine"

The North Shore of the Lake is a room.  It is north of the North End of the Lake.  "Jungle-covered hills rise to the north and west.  To the east, a track follows the stream that feeds the lake to your south."  Instead of going north in the North Shore of the Lake, try entering the dense jungle.  Instead of going west in the North Shore of the Lake, try entering the dense jungle.

Before going south in the North Shore of the Lake:
	now the encumbered action is "swimming";
	consider the jungle encumbrance rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action.

The Rocky Streambed is east of the North Shore of the Lake.  "The trail from the west ends here at a sheer rock wall to the north, into which is cut a series of shallow handholds, like a ladder.  To the south across the stream, the canyon wall rises vertically, and there are no obvious handholds.  Farther east, the stream rises in a series of cataracts."  Instead of going south in the Rocky Streambed, say "The walls of the canyon are too steep to climb."  Instead of going east in the Rocky Streambed, say "Even a salmon would have difficulty ascending these rapids."  Instead of going up in Rocky Streambed, try going north.  Before going north in Rocky Streambed:
	now the encumbered action is "climbing";
	consider the jungle encumbrance rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action;
	say "You gingerly climb the slick, ladder-like surface.  The ascent is very, very long, perhaps a thousand feet, and although the climb becomes a little less steep after the first few dozen feet, it is still a terrifying ordeal."

The scenery_stream2 is scenery in Rocky Streambed.  The description is "The stream is about fifty feet wide but only a few feet deep here, with a silty bottom and a swift current."  Understand "stream", "creek", "fifty", "feet", "fast", "fast-moving", and "water" as the scenery_stream2.  The printed name is "stream".  The scenery_stream2 can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of jumping over the scenery_stream2, say "It's too wide to jump".  Instead of swimming around in the scenery_stream2, try entering the scenery_stream2.  Instead of jumping into the scenery_stream2, try entering the scenery_stream2.  Instead of tasting the scenery_stream2, say "The water is clear, cold, and refreshing."  Instead of smelling the scenery_stream2, say "The stream smells like fast-moving, aerated water."  Instead of taking the scenery_stream2, say "You splash some water on yourself.  It chills and refreshes you."  Instead of listening to the scenery_stream2, say "The creek splashes noisily as it tumbles off the rocks to the east.."  Instead of entering the scenery_stream2:
	now the encumbered action is "swimming";
	consider the jungle encumbrance rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action;
	say "You only get about ten feet into the stream before the swift-moving current carries you back out into the lake.";
	move the player to the North End of the Lake.
	
Some scenery_cataracts are scenery in Rocky Streambed.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "The water leaps merrily over a series of cataracts to the east."  The printed name is "cataracts".  Instead of listening to the scenery_cataracts, say "The rapids chatter merrily."  Instead of doing anything other than examining, listening, swimming around in, jumping into, diving into, jumping over, or entering with the scenery_cataracts, say "The cataracts are unapproachable due to the swiftness of the current."  Understand "waterfall", "cataract", "cataracts", "rapid", "rapids", "chatter", "chattering", "merry" and "merrily" as the scenery_cataracts.  The scenery_cataracts can be enterable.  The scenery_cataracts are enterable.  Instead of jumping over the scenery_cataracts, try going east.  Instead of entering the scenery_cataracts, try going east.  Instead of jumping into the scenery_cataracts, try going east.  Instead of swimming around in the scenery_cataracts, try going east.  Instead of diving into the scenery_cataracts, try going east.

The scenery_canyon is scenery in Rocky Streambed.  The description is "The canyon rises vertically to north and south.  A series of handholds forming a sort of ladder has been carved into the north wall, but the south is bare and sheer.  It is black stone, slippery with moisture."  The printed name is "canyon".  Understand "canyon", "wall", "walls", "north", "south", "vertical", "vertically", "ladder", "steep", "handhold", "stair", "staircase", "stairway", "steps", "step", "handholds", "shallow", "series", "cut", "carved", "carven", and "chasm" as the scenery_canyon.  The scenery_canyon can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_canyon, try going north.  Instead of climbing the scenery_canyon, try going north.

The Plateau is north of the Rocky Streambed.  "This is a small mesa of rock.  Cliffs fall away on all sides, although the path leading to the carved staircase is barely visible to the south.  One huge, leaning banana tree, glowing a soft gold in the sunlight, arches out over a terrible drop to the east."  
Before going south in the Plateau:
	now the encumbered action is "climbing";
	consider the jungle encumbrance rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action;
	say "Lowering yourself over the edge of the cliff to find the first few footholds is one of the hardest things you've ever done, but after that it's just a matter of climbing slowly and deliberately and looking only at the wall in front of your face." 

Instead of going north in the Plateau, try entering the scenery_void.  Instead of going west in the Plateau, try going north.  Instead of going up in the Plateau, try going east.  Instead of going down in the Plateau, try going south.

Before going east in the Plateau:
	if the baboon clock is 0, instead say "The troupe of baboons cluster into a snarling mass between you and the tree, preventing you from approaching.";
	consider the jungle encumbrance rule;
	if rule failed, stop the action.
	
Instead dropping a jungle yummy when the location is the Plateau:
	try giving the noun to the baboons instead.

Some baboons are animals in the Plateau.  The initial appearance is "A troupe of skinny, snarling baboons, their hindquarters a gaudy red and blue, [if the baboon clock is greater than zero]fight viciously among themselves for control of [the baboon disputation item][otherwise]watch you warily and hungrily[end if]."  The description is "A troupe of hungry-looking baboons [if the baboon clock is greater than zero]savagely attack one another, fighting for possession of [a baboon disputation item][otherwise]glare at you with barely-repressed hostility[end if]."  They are unspeakable.  Understand "baboon", "monkey", "ape", "apes", "monkeys", "devil", "devils", "hostile", "glaring", "hungry", "hungrily", "skinny", "lean", "underfed", "snarling", "snarl", "wary", "warily", "troupe", and "vicious" as the baboons.  The default reply of the baboons is "The baboons snarl fiercely, but make no other reply."  Instead of kissing, touching, rubbing, or wanking off the baboons, say "The baboons draw away from your touch, snarling."  Instead of fucking or buggering the baboons, say "You are not undressed for the occasion."  [* This is safe to do, because if you are undressed and in the baboons' location, you're already dead.]  The baboons have a virginity.  The baboons are unboinked.  [* For seizing the banana.  Not for what you're thinking. ]

Before giving or showing something to the baboons:
	if the noun is a jungle yummy
	begin;
		say "A baboon snatches [the noun] from you and hoots.  Other baboons investigate.  A fight breaks out over the delicious [noun].";
		now the baboon clock is 1;
		now the baboon disputation item is the noun;
		remove the noun from play;
		really have the parser notice the baboons;
	otherwise;
		say "A baboon snatches [the noun] from you, sniffs it suspiciously, curls its lip at you, showing great yellow teeth, and tosses it over the edge of the plateau.";
		remove the noun from play;
		really have the parser notice the baboons;
	end if;
	stop the action.

Some baboon anuses are anuses.  They are part of the baboons.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Each baboon's rear is a psychedelic landscape of red and blue."  Understand "ass", "asshole", "gaudy", "hindquarters", "sphincter", "arsehole", "arse", "butt", "butthole", "bunghole", "buttock", "buttocks", "red", "blue", "psychedelic", "landscape", "rear", and "rectum" as the baboon anuses.

The scenery_banana_tree is scenery in the Plateau.  The description is "The great banana tree describes a gentle arc to the east, arching out over the void.  It is easily thick enough to bear your weight, and after the first few feet you could probably just walk along the trunk without needing to use your hands at all."  Understand "banana", "tree", "arc", "gentle", "wide", "trunk", "great", "large", "thick", and "plant" as the scenery_banana_tree.    The printed name is "banana tree".   Instead of climbing the scenery_banana_tree, try going east.  The scenery_banana_tree can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_banana_tree, try going east.

Instead of jumping in Up A Tree, try entering the scenery_void.

The scenery_baboons are a backdrop in Up A Tree.  The description is "[baboon details]".  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_baboons, say "The baboons are too far away."  The printed name is "baboons".  Understand "baboon", "baboons", "monkey", "ape", "apes", "monkeys", "devil", "devils", "hostile", "glaring", "snarling", "snarl", "wary", "warily", "troupe",  "ass", "asshole", "gaudy", "hindquarters", "hungry", "skinny", "lean", "hungrily", "sphincter", "arsehole", "arse", "butt", "butthole", "bunghole", "buttock", "buttocks", "red", "blue", "psychedelic", "landscape", "rear", "underfed", "rectum"and "vicious" as the scenery_baboons.

To say baboon details:
	say "The underfed baboons snarl and bicker, their attention focussed on [run paragraph on]";
	if the baboons are boinked
	begin;
		say "your buttocks, the sight of which whipped them into a murderous frenzy.";
	otherwise;
		if the baboon clock is greater than zero
		begin;
			say "each other and their struggle for possession of [the baboon disputation item].";
		otherwise;
			say "you.";
		end if;
	end if;

Halfway up the Banana Tree is east of the Plateau.  "You are halfway up the great banana tree; it rises to the east and descends to the west.  Underneath you is a thousand feet of air, and beneath that the jungle."  Instead of going up in Halfway up the Banana Tree, try going east.  Instead of going down in Halfway up the Banana Tree, try going west.  Instead of going north in Halfway up the Banana Tree, try entering the scenery_void.  Instead of going south in Halfway up the Banana Tree, try going north.  

The scenery_banana_tree2 is a backdrop in Up a Tree.  The description is "The great banana tree describes a gentle arc underfoot, arching out over the void.  It is easily thick enough to bear your weight, and except for the first few feet near the ground you can just walk along the trunk without needing to use your hands at all."  Understand "banana", "tree", "arc", "gentle", "wide", "trunk", "great", "large", "thick", and "plant" as the scenery_banana_tree2.  The printed name is "banana tree".  Instead of climbing the scenery_banana_tree2, try entering the scenery_banana_tree2.  The scenery_banana_tree2 can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_banana_tree2:
	if the location is Halfway Up the Banana Tree, instead say "The tree extends both up and down from here.";
	try going west.

The scenery_void is a backdrop.  It is in the Plateau.  It is in Up a Tree.  The scenery_void can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description is "Far, far below, the jungle stretches endlessly."  Understand "void", "jungle", "thousand", "feet", "trees", "below", "beneath", "down", and "air" as the scenery_void.  The printed name is "jungle".  Carry out entering the scenery_void:
	say "You tumble down, and down, and down, finally tearing yourself to pieces in the upper branches of the great trees below.";
	end the story saying "You have fallen most spectacularly to your death".
Instead of jumping into the scenery_void, try entering the scenery_void.  Instead of diving into the scenery_void, try entering the scenery_void.

Top of the Banana Tree is east of Halfway Up the Banana Tree.  "This is the very top of the great banana tree, cantilevered far out over the void, which stretches a thousand feet below you.  The tree descends in a gentle arc to the west."  Instead of going down in Top of the Banana Tree, try going west.  Instead of going north in Top of the Banana Tree, try entering the scenery_void.  Instead of going south in Top of the Banana Tree, try going north.  Instead of going east in Top of the Banana Tree, try going north.

Before cutting the Golden Banana of Discord when the location is Top of the Banana Tree:
	If the machete is held by the player, instead try attacking the golden banana with the rusty machete;
	say "You don't have anything to cut it with, but you could probably just take it instead."
	
Before attacking the Golden Banana of Discord with the rusty machete:
	if the location is Top of the Banana Tree
	begin;
		say "You reach to grab the banana with your left hand while swinging the machete at it with your right.  [run paragraph on]";
		consider the banana-picking rule;
		stop the action;
	end if.
	
Before taking the Golden Banana of Discord when the location is Top of the Banana Tree:
	consider the banana-picking rule;
	stop the action.

This is the banana-picking rule:
	say "As you touch the Golden Banana of Discord, pale fire erupts from it, engulfing you.  [run paragraph on]";
	if anything is worn by the player
	begin;
		let R be a random thing worn by the player;
		if R is the signet ring 
		begin;
			say "The signet ring sears into the flesh of your finger[run paragraph on]";
		otherwise;
			say "[The R] bursts into flame[run paragraph on]";
		end if;
		say ", and, shrieking, you tumble from the banana tree into the jungle far, far below.";
		end the story saying "You have plunged, burning, to your death";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	say "The baboons, howling with fear, [if the location of the baboons is not the Plateau]scuttle to the bottom of the tree and [end if]cower, shielding their eyes from the radiance, which, miraculously, does not burn you.  You straighten up, grasping the banana.  There is a rumble like distant thunder, and you feel the tree shake very slightly under your feet.  From the southeast, you see a blue dot shoot into the air from behind the ridge to the east.";
	now the nudity clock is 1;
	now the banana clock is 1;
	move the Golden Banana to the player;
	move the scenery_hippo_dot to the location;
	move the baboons to the Plateau;
	stop the action.	
	
The scenery_hippo_dot is scenery.  The description is "It's a blue dot, very far off to the southeast, on a ballistic trajectory.  It might be a blue hippopotamus seen from a very long way away."  The printed name is "blue dot".  Understand "hippo", "blue", "dot", "southeast", "ballistic", "hippopotamus" as the scenery_hippo_dot.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_hippo_dot, say "It's a very long way away.";

The scenery_hippo_far is scenery.  The description is "The blue thing is definitely getting closer.  It appears to be a blue hippopotamus, travelling along a very long parabola."   The printed name is "blue hippo".  Understand "hippo", "blue",  "southeast", "ballistic", "hippopotamus" as the scenery_hippo_far.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_hippo_far, say "It's a very long way away, although closing rapidly.";

The scenery_hippo_near is scenery.  The description is "The blue hippo falls towards you, its mouth wide open.  It looks as if it will pass just under the banana tree."  The The printed name is "blue hippo".  Understand "hippo", "blue", "southeast", "ballistic", "hippopotamus", "hippo's", "open", "wide", and "mouth" as the scenery_hippo_near.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_hippo_near, say "It's still well out of reach.".  Instead of jumping into or diving into the scenery_hippo_near, try jumping.

The scenery_mweru_stooping is scenery.  The description is "The Mweru bird is in a power dive, aiming for the blue hippopotamus."  The printed name is "Mweru bird".  Understand "mweru", "bird", "roc", "yellow", and "canary" as the scenery_mweru_stooping.

Before entering the scenery_void:
	if the scenery_hippo_near is in the location
	begin;
		say "With considerably more aplomb and confidence than you actually feel, you swan-dive into the void, clutching the Golden Banana tightly.  For a heart-stopping second, you wonder if you've mistimed it, and then you hit the hippo's open mouth.  With a snap, the jaws close overhead.";
		move the player to Hippopotamus Interior;
		stop the action;
	end if.
	
Volume Thirteen - "The Journey North"

Book One - "Pirate Attack"

Greek Piracy is a scene.  Greek Piracy begins when the global_pirate_attack_flag is 2.  Greek Piracy ends when the global_pirate_attack_flag is 4.  Instead of asking Bruno about anything during Greek Piracy:
	say "Bruno waves his hand distractedly.  'Not now, Stiffy.  Not now.'".
Instead of asking Palinurus about anything during Greek Piracy:
	 say "Palinurus snaps, 'Belay that, laddie!  Can't ye see I'm busy?'".

When Greek Piracy begins:
	remove the water_barrel from play;
	remove the Pirate Captain from play;
	move the player to Poop_Deck2;
	move Bruno to Poop_Deck2;
	move Palinurus to Poop_Deck2.

Test piracy with "z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/down/starboard/close door/z/z/z/kiss pirate"

Test min-piracy with "z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z".

Every turn during Greek Piracy:
	increase the pirate clock by one;	
	 [ If the player starts his turn in the room with the Pirate Captain and the Pirate captain is already hunting him, he's captured. ]
	if the Pirate Captain is in the location and the global_pirate_attack_flag is 3, consider the you-are-snockered rule;
	if the pirate clock is 1
	begin;
		say "A shout rings from the crow's nest.  'Ship approaching under fast oar, three points west of south!'";
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 2
	begin;
		say "Bruno[if the location is the Poop Deck], beside you,[end if] shouts back, 'Markings?'";
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 3
	begin;
		say "'Pirates!' shrieks the lookout.";
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 4
	begin;
		say "'All hands to the oars!' calls Bruno.";
		if the location is in Outside_Shipboard, say "Palinurus, looking grim, takes the rudder.";
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 5
	begin;
		remove the far_scenery_ship from play;
		move the scenery_pirate_ship to Outside_Shipboard;
		say "The ship begins to move slowly forwards.";
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 6
	begin;
		say "The ship picks up speed.";
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 10 and the location is in Outside_Shipboard, say "It is evident that the pirate ship is gaining.";
	if the pirate clock is 15 and the location is in Outside_Shipboard, say "The pirate ship heaves to alongside [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type].";
	if the pirate clock is 16
	begin;
		if the location is in Outside_Shipboard
		begin;
			say "The ship shudders as the pirate crew throws grapnels to secure their ship to [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type].";
		otherwise;
			say "The ship shudders.";
		end if;
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 17
	begin;
		say "Bruno shouts, resignation in his voice, 'Crew of [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type]: ship oars.  Do not take up your arms.  We surrender.'  The ship drifts to a halt.";
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 18
	begin;
		move the Pirate Captain to Poop_Deck2;
		if the location is in Outside_Shipboard
		begin;
			say "The pirate captain springs lithely aboard.";
			choose a row with a character of "Pirate Captain" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
			now the met entry is true;
		end if;
		if the location is Cabin Hallway or the location is Stiffy's Cabin
		begin;
			say "You hear bootheels clatter on the deck overhead.";
		end if;
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 19
	begin;
		if the location is in Outside_Shipboard
		begin;
			say "The pirate captain speaks briefly with Bruno, who looks terrified.";
		end if;
		if the location is Cabin Hallway or the location is Stiffy's Cabin
		begin;
			say "You hear voices overhead.";
		end if;
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 20
	begin;
		if the location is in Outside_Shipboard
		begin;
			say "Bruno turns, his face a mask of despair, and points mutely to you.  The pirate captain grins wolfishly.";
		end if;
		if the location is Cabin Hallway or the location is Stiffy's Cabin
		begin;
			say "Boots stride over to the hatch[if the Cabin Hatch is closed], which is wrenched open[end if].";
			now the Cabin Hatch is open;
		end if;
		now the global_pirate_attack_flag is 3;
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 21
	begin;
		if the location is in Outside_Shipboard
		begin;
			say "The pirate captain strides to the fore, grinning at you the while.";
			move the Pirate Captain to Main_Deck;
		end if;
		if the location is Cabin Hallway
		begin;
			move the Pirate Captain to Cabin Hallway;
			say "The pirate captain [if the cabin hatch is closed]flings open the hatch, [end if]descends the ladder and leers unwholesomely at you.";
			now the cabin hatch is open;
			choose a row with a character of "Pirate Captain" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
			now the met entry is true;
		end if;
		if the location is Stiffy's Cabin
		begin;
			say "You hear boots descend the ladder outside your cabin[if Stiffy's Door is closed].  Your cabin door flies open[end if].  The pirate captain poses dramatically in the hall and silkily strokes his goatee as he leers at you.";
			now Stiffy's door is open;
			choose a row with a character of "Pirate Captain" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
			now the met entry is true;
			move the Pirate Captain to Cabin Hallway;
		end if;
		if the location is the Hold
		begin;
			say "You hear bootheels on the deck overhead[if the Hold Hatch is closed].  The hatch is torn open[end if].";
			now the hold hatch is open;
			move the Pirate Captain to Main_Deck;	
		end if;
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 22
	begin;
		if the location is Stiffy's Cabin
		begin;
			say "The pirate captain enters your room, smiles broadly at you, and licks his lips.";
			choose a row with a character of "Pirate Captain" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
			now the met entry is true;
			move the Pirate Captain to Stiffy's Cabin;
		end if;
		if the location is the Hold
		begin;
			say "The pirate captain [if the hold hatch is closed]flings open the hatch, [end if]descends the ladder, and [if the player is in the water_barrel]announces, 'I'm so terribly thirsty!'  He knocks the top from the barrel, bends as if to scoop a drink from it, and starts in mock-surprise as he discovers you[otherwise]leers triumphantly at you[end if].";
			now the hold hatch is open;
			move the Pirate Captain to the Hold;
			choose a row with a character of "Pirate Captain" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
			now the met entry is true;
		end if;
		if the location is the Crow's Nest or the location is Halfway Up the Mast
		begin;
			say "The pirate captain blows a kiss to you and scrambles up the rigging.";
			move the Pirate Captain to Halfway Up The Mast;
			place the Pirate Captain in scope;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the pirate clock is 23
	[ at this point, Stiffy has to be in the Crow's Nest ]
	begin;
		say "The pirate captain, agile as a monkey, scurries into the Crow's Nest.  'Why, hello there,' he smiles as he vaults over the side.";
		move the Pirate Captain to the Crow's Nest;
	end if;
	if the location of the Pirate Captain is the location
	[ Check to see if the Pirate Captain has moved to the player's location. ]
	begin;
		if the global_pirate_attack_flag is 2, say "The pirate captain pauses briefly in his conversation with Bruno to leer at you.";
		if the global_pirate_attack_flag is 3, consider the you-are-snockered rule;
	end if.

After deciding the scope of the player when the location is Stiffy's Cabin and the location of the Pirate Captain is Cabin Hallway and Stiffy's door is open:
	place the Pirate Captain in scope.

After deciding the scope of the player when the location is in Outside_Shipboard and the location of the Pirate Captain is in Outside_Shipboard:
	 place the Pirate Captain in scope.
	
Before doing anything other than examining with the Pirate Captain:
	 if the location of the Pirate Captain is not the location
	begin;
		say "You're not quite close enough, but doubtless that will change soon enough.";
		stop the action;
	otherwise;
		continue the action;	
	end if.
	
This is the you-are-snockered rule:
	now the global_pirate_attack_flag is 4.;
	say "The pirate captain, holding you fast in his strong and manly grasp, marches you past Palinurus, who sadly shakes his head, and Bruno, who is weeping openly.  'I'm sorry, Master Makane!' Bruno cries.  'I'll get your father to ransom you just as soon as I can!'  The pirate tosses you like a sack of grain across the gap between the ships to one of his men and then himself leaps over.  You are taken below.";
	move the player to the Captain's Cabin;
	move the Pirate Captain to the Captain's Cabin;
	repeat with possession running through things held by the player begin;
		if possession is not part of the player
		begin;
			remove possession from play;
		end if;
	end repeat;
	really have the parser notice the pirate captain;
	stop the action.

Part One - "The Pirate Captain"	

The pirate captain is a man.  "A foppish, but attractive, man lounges here, idly playing with the many rings adorning his fingers.  He has a neat black moustache and a goatee, as well as far too much eyeliner.  He wears a black tricorner hat, and has beads braided into his hair.  His shirt is impractically ruffled, and he carries a wickedly-curved cutlass."  The description is "The pirate captain's eyebrows have apparently been plucked to give them a saucy, impertinent shape.  His eyeliner glistens in the sun, and his shirt is artfully unbuttoned to expose his hairless and delectable chest.  He's really quite sexy, as murderous sea-marauders go.  From the way he carries his sword you're quite sure he knows how to employ it."  The indefinite article is "the".  Understand "Jack", "Sparrow", "Johnny", "Depp", "man", "sexy", "swashbuckler", and "swishbuckler" as the pirate captain.  The Pirate Captain is unspeakable.  The default reply of the pirate captain is "The pirate captain just leers at you."

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the pirate captain: no.  Does the player mean doing something with the pirate captain: it is likely.

The cutlass is held by the pirate captain.  The description is "The cutlass curves slightly.  It has a brass grip and a shiny steel blade."  Understand "sword", "brass", "steel", "grip", "blade", "wicked", "curved", "wickedly", and "wickedly-curved" as the cutlass.

The black tricorner hat is an ornament.  It is worn by the pirate captain.  The description is "The tricorner hat is made of black leather, and sports a silver skull-and-crossbones emblem."  Understand "leather", "silver", "skull", "crossbones", "skull-and-crossbones", "emblem", "tri-corner", "tri", "corner", and "cap" as the black tricorner hat.

Some colorful glass beads are ornaments.  They are worn by the pirate captain.  The description is "Glass beads of many colors are braided into the captain's black hair."  Understand "many", "color", "colored", "many-colored", "braided", and "braid" as the colorful glass beads.

The pirate captain's impractically ruffled white shirt is an ornament.  It is worn by the pirate captain.  The description is "The white shirt is impractically ruffled, and is surprisingly clean considering the fact that it's being worn by a pirate.  It is artfully unbuttoned to expose his tanned and hairless chest."  Understand "clean", "unbuttoned", and "artfully" as the pirate captain's impractically ruffled white shirt.

The pirate captain's tanned chest is a part of the pirate captain.  The description is "The pirate captain's hairless, smooth, tanned, and it must be said, delectably sexy chest is visible under his artfully-unbuttoned shirt."  Understand "hairless", "smooth", "delectable", and "delectably" as the pirate captain's tanned chest.

Some pirate captain's rings are ornaments.  They are worn by the pirate captain.  The description is "Gold rings, encrusted with gemstones, adorn the pirate captain's fingers."  Understand "gold", "ring", "gem", "gems", "gemstones", "stone", "stones", "jewel", "jewels" as the pirate captain's rings.

The pirate captain's black hair is part of the pirate captain.  Understand "moustache", "trimmed", "neat", "neatly", "neatly-trimmed", "beard", "goatee", "flowing", "ringlets", "impressive", "coiffure", and "long" as the pirate captain's black hair.  The description is "The captain's long, flowing black hair accentuates his neatly-trimmed moustache and goatee.  It's a rather impressive coiffure for a pirate."

Some pirate captain's boots are ornaments.  They are worn by the pirate captain.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather[78 as a footnote]."  Understand "boot", "heel", "heels",  "shiny", and "leather" as the pirate captain's boots.

The pirate captain's erection is a penis.  The description is "The pirate captain's erection throbs with vivid purple veins."  Understand "vivid", "purple", "hardon", "hard-on", "vein", "veins", "rod", "junk", "prick", "wang", "dick", "schween", "passer", "sparrow", "schlong", "pecker", "genitals", "penis", and "cock" as the pirate captain's erection.
		
Part Two - "The Golden Ass"

Outside_Shipboard is a region.  Poop_Deck2, Main_Deck, Halfway Up the Mast, and Crow's Nest are rooms in Outside_Shipboard.  The scenery_ship_deck is in Poop_Deck2 and Main_Deck.

Cabin Hallway, Stiffy's Cabin, and the Hold are rooms in Shipboard.  Outside_Shipboard is in Shipboard.

The becalmed_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in Outside_Shipboard.  It is in Main_Deck, Halfway Up the Mast, and Crow's Nest.  The description is "A hot yellow sun beats down from a blue, cloudless, windless sky."  Understand "hot", "yellow", "sun" , "blue", "cloudless", "sky", and "windless" as the becalmed_sky_scenery.

Poop_Deck2 is a room.  The printed name is "Poop Deck".  The description is "This is the poop deck of [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type], your father's pride and joy.  One of the first ships in his merchant fleet, it is one of the smaller ones now, but the most luxuriously appointed.  A hatch [if Cabin Hatch is open](open) allows[otherwise](closed) blocks[end if] access to the cabins below.  The main deck is to the fore."

Instead of shitting in Poop_Deck2, say "Oddly enough, you[apostrophe]re not supposed to poop on the Poop Deck.  It's not fair at all."

The cabin hatch is a door.  It is openable and open.  It is down from Poop_Deck2.  It is scenery.  The description is "This is a sturdy wooden hatch, which keeps the rain out of the cabins, but allows access via a ladder.  It is [if Cabin Hatch is open]open[otherwise]closed."  Understand "sturdy", "wooden", "ladder", and "access" as the cabin hatch.

Cabin Hallway is down from Cabin Hatch.  The description is "This is a cramped hallway.  The sailors['] quarters are fore, the captain's quarters are aft, your cabin is to starboard, and Palinurus lives in the cabin to port."  
	Instead of going fore in Cabin Hallway:
		if the global_pirate_attack_flag is 3, instead say "The door is barred from the other side.";
		say "The last time you went in there, it smelled of moldy sweatsocks, and the men made it very clear that you, as a member of the officer class, were not welcome."

Captain's door is a door.  It is scenery.  Captain's door is aft from Cabin Hallway.  It is closed.  It is locked.  The description is "The door to the captain's quarters is made of thick planks of beech.  It is closed."  Understand "thick", "plank", "planks", "beech", "aft", and "captain" as Captain's door.

Palinurus's door is a door.  It is scenery.  Palinurus's door is port from Cabin Hallway.  It is closed.  It is locked.  The description is "The door to Palinurus's quarters is closed.  It is made of gray, weathered wood."  Understand "wood", "gray", "weathered", and "port" as Palinurus's Door.

Stiffy's door is a door.  It is scenery.  It is starboard of Cabin Hallway.  It is open.  It is openable.  The description is "The door to your quarters is a flimsy thing, made from cheap pine.  It is [if Stiffy's door is open]open[otherwise]closed[end if]."  Understand "pine", "cheap", "flimsy", "my", and "starboard" as Stiffy's Door.  It is lockable.  It is unlocked.  Instead of locking Stiffy's door with [S - something], say "Unfortunately, the door doesn't lock, which has been the source of a bit of embarassment."  Before Closing Stiffy's door:
	if the location is Stiffy's Cabin and the location of the Pirate Captain is Cabin Hallway
	begin;
		say "The pirate captain effortlessly blocks the slamming door with his shiny boot.  He grins.";
		stop the action;
	end if.

Stiffy's Cabin is a room.  It is starboard of Stiffy's door.  The description is "This is your cabin.  There's nothing much in it beyond a hammock and a porthole."

The hammock is a supporter in Stiffy's Cabin.  It is scenery.  The description is "The hammock swings gently to and fro."

The porthole is scenery in Stiffy's Cabin.  The porthole can be openable.  It is openable.  The porthole can be open.  It is closed.  The description is "[if the porthole is open]Salty air wafts in from the open porthole[otherwise]The porthole, a thick disc of glass, is closed[end if]."  Understand "thick", "disc", "nine", "inch", "nine-inch", "hole", "disk", and "glass" as the porthole.  The porthole can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the porthole, say "Unfortunately, you are much too large to fit through a nine-inch porthole."

Instead of smelling when the location is Stiffy's Cabin:
	if the porthole is open
	begin;
		say "The open porthole admits clean, salty-smelling sea air.";
	otherwise;
		say "The room has the unmistakable funk of a thoroughly-lived-in ship's cabin.";
	end if.

Main_Deck is fore of Poop_Deck2.  The printed name is "Deck".  The description is "The mast ascends from here, and the poop deck is aft.  A hatch [if Hold Hatch is open](open) allows[otherwise](closed) blocks[end if] access to the hold below."

The scenery_mast is a backdrop in Main_Deck.  It is in Halfway Up the Mast and Crow's Nest.  The description is "The mast is cut from the trunk of a great pine tree.  Spikes hammered into it provide a crude ladder."  Understand "mast", "pine", "trunk", "spikes", "hammered", "crude", "ladder", and "great" as the scenery_mast.  The printed name is "mast".  Instead of climbing the scenery_mast:
	if the location is the Crow's Nest, instead try going down;
	if the location is Main_Deck, instead try going up;
	say "You could climb either up or down from here."
	
The scenery_sea is a backdrop in Main_Deck.  The scenery_sea can be enterable.  It is enterable.  It is in Halfway Up the Mast, Crow's Nest, and Poop_Deck2.  The description is "The blue sea stretches endlessly in all directions[if the pirate clock > 5 and the pirate clock < 10 ], with a sleek black ship approaching from the south[end if][if the pirate clock > 9 and the pirate clock < 15],with a ship drawing quite near to the south[end if][if the pirate clock > 14],and a pirate ship is immediately alongside [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type][end if]."  Understand "blue", "sea", "ocean", "Mediterranean", "horizon", "endless", "endlessly", and "water" as the scenery_sea.  Instead of entering the scenery_sea, consider the poor-Ophelia rule.  Instead of jumping into the scenery_sea, try entering the scenery_sea.  Instead of jumping in Halfway Up the Mast, try entering the scenery_sea.  Instead of jumping in the Crow's Nest, try entering the scenery_sea.

The far_scenery_ship is scenery in the Crow's Nest.  The description is "A black ship is visible far to the south, approaching fast."  Understand "black", "pirate", "ship", "sleek", "apporaching", "closing", "fast" as the far_scenery_ship.

The scenery_pirate_ship is a backdrop.  The description is "[if the pirate clock < 10]A pirate ship is barely visible to the south, but it is closing fast[end if][if the pirate clock > 9 and the pirate clock < 15]The sleek, black pirate ship is approaching swiftly from the south[end if][if the pirate clock > 14]The sleek, black pirate ship, bristling with oars, floats alongside [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type][end if]."   Understand "sleek", "black", "closing", "fast", "approaching", "pirate", "ship", "bristling", "oar", and "oars" as the scenery_pirate_ship.  The printed name is "pirate ship".  instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_pirate_ship:
	if the pirate clock < 15
	begin;
		say "The pirate ship has not arrived yet.";
	otherwise;
		say "The less attention you are seen paying it, the better.";
	end if.

This is the poor-Ophelia rule:
	if the scenery_sea is not warned_about
	begin;
		now the scenery_sea is warned_about;
		say "You'd certainly drown if you leapt into the sea.  You're not that good a swimmer, and you're a very long way from land.";
	otherwise;
		say "You leap into the waves, and they close overhead with a little splash.  You sink like a stone.";
		end the story saying "You have drowned yourself";
	end if.

The hold hatch is a door.  It is openable and open.  It is down from Main_Deck.  It is scenery.  The description is "This is a sturdy wooden hatch, which keeps the rain out of the hold, but allows access via a ladder.  It is [if Hold Hatch is open]open[otherwise]closed."  Understand "sturdy", "wooden", "ladder", and "access" as the hold hatch.

Hold is down from the hold hatch.  The description is "This is the hold of the ship.  It contains crates of foodstuffs, barrels of water, and a few dozen amphorae of olive oil.  A ladder leads up to [if the Hold Hatch is open]the deck[otherwise]a closed hatch[end if]."  Before going inside in the Hold:
	if the water_barrel is in the Hold, instead try entering the water_barrel.

Some crates are scenery in the Hold.  The description is "Closed crates of dried meat, fruits, and flour; these are the rations for the crew during the voyages of [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type]."  They are openable.  Some crates can be open.  Some crates can be openable.  They are closed.  Instead of opening the crates, say "You lack a suitable instrument, and don't really want to open the crates anyway."  Instead of climbing the crates, say "This is not, in fact, a first-person shooter, in which you might conceivably derive some tactical advantage from climbing onto the crates."  Instead of doing anything other than opening, climbing, or examining with the crates, say "The crates are too big to move, and fundamentally uninteresting."  Understand "dried", "meat", "closed", "fruit", "fruits", "flour", "uninteresting", "big" as the crates.

Some barrels of water are scenery in the Hold.  Some barrels of water can be open.  Some barrels of water can be openable.  Does the player mean doing something with the barrels of water: it is unlikely.  The description is "These are sealed barrels of water for the crew's use."  They are openable.  They are closed.  Instead of opening the barrels, say "You lack both the tools and the motivation."  Understand "barrel" as barrels of water.  After examining the barrels of water for the first time:
	say "One barrel has been opened; its lid sits slightly askew.";
	move the water_barrel to the Hold.
Understand "sealed" as barrels of water.  Instead of doing anything other than opening, climbing, or examining with the barrels of water, say "The barrels are too big to move, and fundamentally uninteresting."  Instead of climbing the barrels of water, say "There is no need to climb on the barrels."  Instead of rolling the barrels of water, say "Roll out the barrel, and we'll have a barrel of...no."
	
The water_barrel is an open container.  The water_barrel can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  The water_barrel can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The printed name is "opened barrel of water".  The initial appearance is "A half-full barrel of water , its lid ajar, rests heavily on the floor here."  The description is "The barrel of water is about half-full."  Does the player mean doing something with the water_barrel: it is likely.  Understand "water", "barrel", "opened", "open", "half-full", "half-empty", "tepid" as the water_barrel.  After entering the water_barrel:
	say "The water rises amost to your nose as you balance the lid atop your head, leaving yourself just a crack from which to peer out."
Instead of tasting or drinking the water_barrel, say "The water is tepid and tasteless."  Instead of doing anything other than closing, opening, examining, climbing, tasting, drinking, or entering with the water_barrel, say "The barrel is effectively fixed in place, and too large to do much of anything with."  Instead of climbing the water_barrel, say "The lack of a sturdy lid would make that problematic."
Instead of closing the water_barrel, say "You can't really do much better than putting the lid loosely on top of the barrel."
Instead of opening the water_barrel, say "It's already open."
Instead of rolling the water_barrel, say "Roll out the barrel, and we'll have a barrel of...no."

Some amphorae are scenery in the hold.  Some amphorae can be open.  Some amphorae can be openable.  They are closed.  The description is "A few dozen sealed terracotta amphorae, each containing about ten gallons of olive oil."  Understand "amphora", "olive", "oil", "terracotta", "dry", "clay", "sealed", "ten", "gallon", "gallons", and "ten-gallon" as the amphorae. Instead of opening the amphorae, say "The amphorae are sealed."   Instead of doing anything other than smelling, opening or examining with the amphorae, say "The amphorae are too big to easily handle."  Instead of smelling the amphorae, say "The amphorae do not smell of olive oil, but instead of dry clay."  Instead of rolling the amphorae, say "Roll out the amphora, and we'll have an amphora of...wait, what?  No."
	
Instead of going up when the player is in the water_barrel, try exiting.

Halfway Up the Mast is up from Main_Deck.  The description is "The mast descends to the deck, and ascends to the Crow's Nest.  Around you the sea stretches endlessly in all directions.  The sails hang limp; there is no breeze."

The sails are a backdrop in Halfway Up the Mast.  They are in Main_Deck, Poop_Deck2, and Crow's Nest.  The description is "The sails are limp in the calm."  Understand "sail", "limp", "limply", "rigging", and "canvas" as the sails.  Instead of doing anything other than climbing or examining with the sails, say "The sails are out of reach."  Instead of climbing the sails, say "You lack the dexterity to scramble up the rigging as you have seen the sailors do."

Crow's Nest is up from Halfway Up The Mast.  The description is "This is the crow's nest.  You can climb back down the mast to the deck.  In all directions, the sea stretches without end, unbroken from horizon to horizon[if the pirate clock < 10].  A ship is approaching at some distance from the south[end if][if the pirate clock > 9 and the pirate clock < 15]. A black ship is drawing close[end if][if the pirate clock > 14]. A black pirate ship rides alongside [italic type]The Golden Ass[roman type][end if]."

A terrified crewman is a man in Crow's Nest.  The description is "A terrified sailor quakes with fear."   Understand "sailor", "lookout", "gibbering", "scared", "quaking", and "fearful" as the terrified crewman.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the terrified crewman, say "The crewman whimpers with fear and bats you away."  The terrified crewman is unspeakable.  The default reply of the terrified crewman is "The sailor is too scared to do anything but gibber."

Book Two - "Slave Ship"

Slave Ship is a region.  Captain's Cabin and Galley are rooms in Slave Ship.  Slave Ship is in Shipboard.

The stroke clock is a number that varies.  The stroke clock is zero.  The rowing_fuckup_count is a number that varies.  The rowing_fuckup_count is zero.  The good_stroke_count is a number that varies.  The good_stroke_count is zero.

Pirate Booty is a scene.  Pirate Booty begins when the location is Captain's Cabin.  Pirate Booty ends when the time since Pirate Booty began is one minute.
Durance Vile is a scene.  Durance Vile begins when the location is Galley.  Durance Vile ends when the location is not Galley.

Test rowing with "push oar / pull oar / push oar / pull oar / push oar / pull oar / push oar / pull oar / push oar / pull oar".

When Pirate Booty begins:
	now the description of the Pirate Captain is "The pirate captain reclines naked on a heap of silk, stroking his erection lazily with one hand while admiring your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing endowment.";
	remove the cutlass from play;
	remove the black tricorner hat from play;
	remove the pirate captain's impractically ruffled white shirt from play;
	remove the pirate captain's boots from play;
	really have the parser notice the pirate captain's erection;
	now the description of the pirate captain's tanned chest is "he pirate captain's hairless, smooth, tanned, and it must be said, delectably sexy chest is completely exposed.";  
	now the pirate captain's erection is part of the pirate captain.

Every turn during Durance vile:
	if the stroke clock is 0
	begin;
		now the stroke clock is 1;
		say "'STROKE!' screams the coxswain.";
	otherwise;
		now the stroke clock is 0;
	end if.

Part One - "Cabin Boy"

Captain's Cabin is a room.  The description is "The captain's cabin is sumptuously appointed in stolen silks and velvets, bedecked with jewels and bedizened with gold.  Somewhere under all the fine fabric is probably a bed."

The cabin_scenery is scenery in the Captain's Cabin.  The printed name is "treasure".  The description is "A ridiculous profusion of silks, velvets, cloths-of-gold, rubies, garnets, emeralds, sapphires, amethysts, silver, gold..."  Understand "ridiculous", "profusion", "treasure", "booty", "silk", "silks", "velvet", "velvets", "hewel","jewels", "ruby", "rubies","garnet", "garnets","emerald", "emeralds","sapphire","sapphires","amethyst","amethysts","silver","gold","golden","cloth", "cloth-of-gold", "cloths-of-god","fabric","fabrics","bed","dedecked","bedizened","fine",and "sumptuous" as the cabin_scenery.

The loincloth is a garment.  The description is "It's a loincloth, made from rough burlap."  Understand "rough", "scratchy", "cloth", and "burlap" as the loincloth.  The warmth of the loincloth is 0.

Instead of kissing, buggering, rubbing, touching, sucking, fucking, blowing, wanking off, or eating the pirate captain, say "The pirate captain smiles beatifically as you get to work."

Before doing anything other than examining or waiting during Pirate Booty:
	if the time since Pirate Booty began is at least one minute, instead say "The pirate captain has other ideas.";
	continue the action;

When Pirate Booty ends:
	say "You probably know what happens next.  It happens a bunch of times.  It happens over and over and over, in fact, often quite pleasantly, until, several weeks later, the captain tires of you, having caught himself a lissome Syrian boy, and banishes you to the galley, where you are chained to an oar, just like the rest of the captain's former paramours.";
	now the description of the roman_sky_scenery is "The sun beams down from a clear blue sky.";
	record "an effeminate Greek pirate" as achieved;
	now the loincloth is worn by the player;
	now the manacles are worn by the player;
	now the shackles are worn by the player;
	really have the parser notice the oar;
	move the player to the rowing bench.

Part Two - "Galley Slave"

Galley is a room.  The description is "About eighty men row the ship: twenty or so rows of benches, two men to an oar on each side.  You are chained to a starboard oar on the center aisle, about two-thirds of the way to the front of the boat, next to a tough-looking Gaul."

Before going in the Galley:
	say "You can't: your hands are manacled, and the manacles are chained to your oar, and your ankles are shackled to the bench.";
	consider the you_fucked_up_rowing rule.

Before doing anything other than going, examining, pushing, pulling, asking, smelling, or taking during Durance Vile:
	if the time since Durance Vile began is at least one minute and the location is the Galley
	begin;
		say "Alas, your options are rather limited right now, given your restricted range of movement and your somewhat strict supervision.  Speaking of which...";
		consider the you_fucked_up_rowing rule;
	end if;
	stop the action.

The rowing bench is a supporter in the Galley.  It is scenery.  The description is "You are chained to a rough wooden bench.  On the same bench, to your right, is your benchmate, a tough-looking Gaul."  Understand "rough", "wood", and "wooden" as the rowing bench.

The oar is a thing in the Galley.  The description is "It's a heavy wooden oar, rubbed smooth by much hard work."  Understand "heavy", "wood", "wooden", and "smooth" as the oar. Check taking the oar:
	say "You pull the oar towards you.";
	instead try pulling the oar.
	
The vile fart is a thing.  It is scenery.  The description is "Apparently, onions are a major component of the shipboard diet."   Instead of taking the vile fart, say "Even if you could, you really, really would not want to." 
	
Before taking something in the Galley:
	if the noun is not the oar and the noun is not the vile fart
	begin;
		say "The fact that you are chained to the oar makes that a bit difficult.  However, the attempt does earn you the notice of the coxswain.";
		consider the you_fucked_up_rowing rule;
	end if.

Before smelling something in the Galley:
	if the vile fart is not in the location
	begin;
		say "You can't smell anything other than sweaty men, which is not as pleasant as you might imagine.";
	otherwise;
		say "There's really no way [italic type]not[roman type] to smell that fart.";
	end if;
	consider the you_fucked_up_rowing rule;
	stop the action.
				
After doing anything other than pushing or pulling during Durance Vile, consider the you_fucked_up_rowing rule.

Some prisoners are men in the Galley.  They are scenery.  The description is "Your fellow slaves toil, as you do, under the lash of the coxswain."  They are unspeakable.  The default reply of the prisoners is "Between the exertion of the rowing and the omnipresent whip, this is really no time for conversation."  Understand "men", "slave", "galley", "fellow", and "slaves" as the prisoners.

The coxswain is a man in the Galley.  He is scenery.  The description is "The coxswain is a fat man wearing brown pants.  He carries a brutal whip, with which he is constantly tormenting the galley slaves."  Understand "fat", "man", "brown", "pants" as the coxswain.  He is unspeakable.  The default reply of the coxswain is "The coxswain makes no reply, but cracks his whip; it would have taken out your eye if you hadn't flinched."

The brutal leather whip is a thing carried by the coxswain.  The description is "It's a leather bulllwhip, stained with years of blood."  Understand "bullwhip", "stained", "blood", and "bloody" as the brutal leather whip.

Some manacles are ornaments.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Heavy iron manacles connect your wrists to the oar."  Understand "wrist", "wrists", "heavy" and "iron" as the manacles.

Some shackles are ornaments.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Pitted iron shackles fasten your ankles to the rowing bench."  Understand "pitted", "iron", "ankle", and "ankles" as the shackles.

A tough-looking Gaul is a man in the Galley.  He is scenery.  The description is "A weather-beaten Gaul, with blonde hair, a droopy moustache, and piercing, though bloodshot, blue eyes, works the oar beside you."  Understand "right", "yellow", "blonde", "tough", "looking", "droopy", "benchmate", "piercing", "blue", "bloodshot", "eye", and "eyes" as the tough-looking Gaul.  He is unspeakable.  The default reply of the tough-looking Gaul is "A Gallic shrug is your only reply."

Some Gaul's teeth are things.  They are ambiguously plural.  They are scenery.  The description is "The Gaul's teeth are cracked and yellowed."  Understand "cracked", "yellowed", "yellow", and "tooth" as the Gaul's teeth.

A once-pretty Egyptian boy is a man.  He is scenery.  The description is "A once lithe and lissom walnut-skinned boy of perhaps fifteen, he now bears a haunted and defeated look."  Understand "lithe", "lissom", "walnut", "walnut-skinned",  "haunted", "once", "pretty", and "defeated" as the once-pretty Egyptian boy.  He is unspeakable.  The default reply of the once-pretty Egyptian boy is "He's too far away to talk to."

A handsome Scythian is a man.  He is scenery.  The description is "A strikingly handsome Scythian is gazing at you with undisguised lust."  Understand "striking", and "strikingly" as the handsome Scythian.  He is unspeakable.  The default reply of the handsome Scythian is "Before you can address the Scythian, the coxswain shouts, 'No fraternization!' and slashes you with his whip."

An outlandishly-tall black man is a man.  He is scenery.  The description is "The back of the enormously-tall black man is a tapestry of pink keloid scars."  Understand "pink", "keloid", "scar", "scars", "outlandish", "outlandishly", "outlandish", "tall", "enormous", "enormously", "African", and "Negro" as the outlandishly-tall black man.  He is unspeakable.  The default reply of the outlandishly-tall black man is "He's too far away to talk to."

A Parthian is a man.  He is scenery.  The description is "You can't even see the Parthian, but the shriek was unmistakable."  He is unspeakable.  The default reply of the Parthian is "You can't even see him, let alone talk to him."

Galley_scenery is scenery in the galley.  The printed name is "ship's hull".  The description is "The ship's hull is made of weathered and somewhat leaky wooden planks."  Understand "plank", "planks", "hull", "galley", "weathered", "wood", "wooden", "leaky", "boat", and "ship" as galley_scenery.

This is the you_fucked_up_rowing rule:
	if the location is the galley
	begin; [ the scene machinery is a little broken ]
		increase the rowing_fuckup_count by 1;
		if the rowing_fuckup_count is 1
		begin;
			say "You gasp as a whip slices across your shoulders.  'You there, boy!' bellows the coxswain.  'There's just one very simple rule here.  When I say [italic type]STROKE[roman type], you pull that oar, and when you're not pulling it, you're pushing it!'";
		end if;
		if the rowing_fuckup_count is 2
		begin;
			say "The whip strikes harder this time.  'On Carthaginian ships,' explains the coxswain, 'if you won't row, they tie your left nut to the oar, and your right one to the ship's bell.  I don't know why.  They won't let me do that here.  But I can feed you to the sharks if you don't shape up!'";
		end if;
		if the rowing_fuckup_count is 3
		begin;
			say "This time, the whip tears chunks from your back.  'Final warning, douchebag!' shrieks the coxswain.";
		end if;
		if the rowing_fuckup_count is greater than 3
		begin;
			say "The ship briefly pauses as you are unchained from the oar and dumped overboard.";
			end the story saying "You have been eaten by a shark";
		end if;
		stop the action;
	end if.

After pulling during Durance Vile:
	if the noun is not the oar or the stroke clock is not 1
	begin;
		consider the you_fucked_up_rowing rule;
	end if.
	
After pushing during Durance Vile:
	if the noun is not the oar or the stroke clock is not 0
	begin;
		consider the you_fucked_up_rowing rule;
	end if.

Carry out pulling the oar:
	if the location is the Galley
	begin;
		if the stroke clock is 0
		begin;
			say "You haul on the oar as your fellow benchmate tries to push it away.  This earns you a muttered Gallic curse.";
		otherwise;
			say "You pull the oar towards your chest, in synchrony with your benchmates.  [run paragraph on]";
			increase the good_stroke_count by 1;
			if the good_stroke_count is 1, say "The muscles of your fellow galley slaves ripple as they, too, strain at the oars.";
			if the good_stroke_count is 2
			begin;
				say  "A once-pretty Egyptian boy two benches ahead of you and on the other side of the aisle lets the oar slip from his sweat-slickened grasp, and receives a shout and a flick of the whip from the coxswain.";
				move the once-pretty Egyptian boy to the galley;
			end if;
			if the good_stroke_count is 3, say "Your shoulders scream in agony.";
			if the good_stroke_count is 4
			begin;
				move the handsome Scythian to the galley;
				say "A handsome Scythian is giving you the eye from across the aisle.";
			end if;
			if the good_stroke_count is 5
			begin;
				say "Your mind and body become numb beneath the soul-crushing and backbreaking work.  Many weeks later, you, your toga, and the Golden Banana are all sold to a longboat full of vicious barbarians.  They don't chain you up, but they do put you to work rowing.";
				remove the shackles from play;
				remove the rowing bench from play;
				move the oar to the Viking Longboat;
				remove the manacles from play;
				move the player to the sea chest;
				really have the parser notice the oar;
				now the stroke clock is 0;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is the Viking Longboat
	begin;
		if the good_stroke_count is less than 5
		begin;
			if the stroke clock is 0
			begin;
				say "You haul on the oar as Sven Spamson tries to push it away.  He shakes his head.";
			otherwise;
				say "You pull the oar towards your chest, in synchrony with your seatmates.  [run paragraph on]";
				increase the good_stroke_count by 1;
				if the good_stroke_count is 1, say "Sven Spamson, next to you, nods approvingly as the two of you smoothly pull the oar.";
				if the good_stroke_count is 2
				begin;
					remove the Pillars of Hercules from play;
					move the Gallic Coast to the location;
					say "The coastline of Gaul slides past you, dotted with sheep.";
				end if;
				if the good_stroke_count is 3
				begin;
					consider the Scottish Playing rule;
				end if;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			stop the action;
		end if;
	end if.

Carry out pushing the oar: 
	if the location is the Galley
	begin;
		if the stroke clock is 1
		begin;
			say "You shove the oar away just as your benchmate hauls back on it.  This does not make you popular with him, nor with the other rowers.";
		otherwise;
			say "With a grunt, all the rowers shove their oars forwards.[run paragraph on]  ";
			if the good_stroke_count is 0
			begin;
				say "You watch sweat trickle down the heavily-muscled and badly-scarred back of an outlandishly tall black man rowing ahead of you.";
				move the outlandishly-tall black man to the galley;
			end if;
			if the good_stroke_count is 1
			begin;
				say "Your benchmate to the right snarls as he strains at the oar, revealing cracked and yellowed teeth.";
				move the Gaul's teeth to the galley;
				now the Gaul's teeth are a part of the tough-looking Gaul;
			end if;
			if the good_stroke_count is 2, say "The planks of the ship's hull creak alarmingly as it slaps through the waves.";
			if the good_stroke_count is 3
			begin;
				say "A vile fart fills the galley, causing your eyes to water.  An aggrieved groan rises from an oarsman.  Must have been a wet one.";
				move the vile fart to the galley;
			end if;
			if the good_stroke_count is 4
			begin;
				say "A Parthian shrieks as his manacles crush his fingers against the oar.";
				move the Parthian to the galley;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is the Viking Longboat
	begin;
		if the stroke clock is 1
		begin;
			say "You shove the oar away just as Sven Spamson pulls back on it.  He rolls his eyes.";
		otherwise;
			say "With a grunt, all the rowers shove their oars forwards.[run paragraph on]  ";
			if the good_stroke_count is 0
			begin;
				say "Sven Spamson grins as the two of you heave away in unison.";
			end if;
			if the good_stroke_count is 1
			begin;
			say "The Viking ship glides between the Pillars of Hercules.";
				move the Pillars of Hercules to the location;
			end if;
			if the good_stroke_count is 2
			begin;
				remove the Gallic Coast from play;
				move the Caledonian Coast to the location;
				move the scottish_sky_scenery to the Viking_region;
				say "The ship skates through a bitterly cold rain across a sea the color of lead as Caledonia passes by on the port side.";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Book Three - "A-Viking We Will Go"

Test viking with "pull oar / push oar / pull oar /push oar / pull oar".

Svennish Sailing is a scene.  Svennish Sailing begins when the location is the Viking Longboat.  Svennish sailing ends when the location is not the Viking Longboat.

Viking_region is a region.  Viking Longboat is in Viking_region.  Viking_Region is in Shipboard.

The Pillars of Hercules are scenery.  The description is "There are big rocks to the north and south; behind you, Mare Nostrum.  Ahead, [italic type]ne plus ultra[roman type]."  Understand "rocks", "big", "Gibraltar", "Mare Nostrum", "ne plus ultra", "straits", and "strait" as the Pillars of Hercules.

The Gallic Coast is scenery.  The description is "Fluffy white sheep dot green fields."  Understand "fluffy", "white", "sheep", "fields", "French", and "Gaulish" as the Gallic Coast.

The Caledonian Coast is scenery.  The description is "Driving rain obscures the gray coastline."  Understand "driving", "rain", "bitter", "bitterly", "lead", "sea", "cold", "coastline", and "gray" as the Caledonian Coast.

Viking Longboat is a room.  "The Viking longboat is about half the size of the slave galley: ten rows of benches, two rowers per side.  At least this time you're not chained to an oar.  You are surrounded by a bunch of tall blonde bearded men, all named Sven."

A Sven is a kind of man.  The description is "Tall and blonde."  A Sven is unspeakable.  A Sven is scenery.  The default reply of a Sven is "Sven looks at you curiously.  'Bork bork bork?' he inquires."  Understand "viking", "barbarian", "tall" and "bearded" as a Sven.

Some Sven_facial_hair is scenery in Viking Longboat.  It is ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "blonde hair".  Understand "blonde", "hair", "blond", "beard", and "beards" as Sven_facial_hair.  The description is "There's an immense profusion of blonde hair and beards here."   Instead of kissing, buggering, rubbing, touching, sucking, fucking, blowing, wanking off, or eating a Sven, say "You're a little busy right now." 

Sven Snurrison is a Sven in the Viking Longboat. 
Sven Svenson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Olafson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Hammerpecs is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Greentooth is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Groot is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Gali is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Johannson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Alvarson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Bloodaxe is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Erikson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Hrothgarson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Grendelson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Bjornson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Alequaffer is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Spamson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.  Understand "seatmate" and "benchmate" as Sven Spamson.  The description is "Tall and blonde, Sven Spamson is your seatmate."
Sven Dagson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Egilson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.
Sven Fredrikson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.

Sven Haraldson is a Sven in the Viking Longboat.  Understand "cox" and "coxswain" as Sven Haraldson.  The description is "Sven Haraldson is the coxswain.  He's tall, blonde, and bearded.  He shouts orders and beats a drum to keep the rowers working together."

The drum is scenery in the Viking Longboat.  The description is "Sven Haraldson pounds the drum to keep the rowers in time."

The sea chest is a supporter in the Viking Longboat.  It is ambiguously plural.  The description is "The Vikings don't use benches; instead their rowers sit on sea chests containing their possessions."   Understand "rough", "chests", "benches", "bench", "wood", and "wooden" as the sea chest.  The sea chest can be openable.  It is openable.  Instead of opening the sea chest, say "Not with all the rowers sitting on them."

Before going in the Viking Longboat:
	say "There's really nowhere to go.";
	consider the you_fucked_up_viking_rowing rule.

Before doing anything other than going, examining, pushing, pulling, asking, smelling, or taking during Svennish Sailing:
	if the time since Svennish Sailing began is at least one minute and the location is the Viking Longboat
	begin;
		say "Alas, your options are rather limited right now, given the bloody-minded dedication of your fellow rowers.  Speaking of which...";
		consider the you_fucked_up_viking_rowing rule;
	end if;
	stop the action.

Before smelling something in the Viking Longboat:
	say "You can't smell anything other than sweaty men, which is not as pleasant as you might imagine.";
	stop the action.
	
Every turn during Svennish Sailing:
	if the good_stroke_count is greater than 4, now the good_stroke_count is 0;
	if the stroke clock is 0
	begin;
		now the stroke clock is 1;
		say "Sven Haraldson pounds his drum and shouts 'BORK!'";
	otherwise;
		now the stroke clock is 0;
	end if.

After pulling during Svennish Sailing:
	if the noun is not the oar or the stroke clock is not 1
	begin;
		consider the you_fucked_up_viking_rowing rule;
	end if.
	
After pushing during Svennish Sailing:
	if the noun is not the oar or the stroke clock is not 0
	begin;
		consider the you_fucked_up_viking_rowing rule;
	end if.

This is the you_fucked_up_viking_rowing rule:
	if the location is the Viking Longboat
	begin; [ the scene machinery is a little broken ]
		let the puncher be a random visible Sven;
		say "[The puncher] laughs uproariously at your lack of coordination, and punches you playfully in the face.";		
	end if;
	stop the action.

After doing anything other than pushing or pulling during Svennish Sailing, consider the you_fucked_up_viking_rowing rule.


Volume Fourteen - "Gostakia"

[ Still remains to be written; could be skipped with little harm done. ]


This is the Scottish Playing rule:
	now the player is cleanish;
	now the toga is cleanish;
	now the global_pirate_attack_flag is 0;
	move the Scottish_sky_scenery to Scotland;
	remove the Caledonian Coast from play;
	remove the loincloth from play;
	move the Golden Banana to the player;	
	say "The longboat crunches to a stop on a rocky shingle.  The Vikings pile out, ready for battle, dragging you along with them....[paragraph break]";
	say "[paragraph break][bracket]Here the original text is badly damaged and illegible for many pages.  What we can piece together from the extant fragments of this section and the remainder of the work, however, is that Stiffy somehow becomes accepted as one of the Vikings.  He wins his toga and the Banana back, acquires the honorific 'Sven Stiffy' for his deeds[run paragraph on]";
	if the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is not blue
	begin;
		consider the deeply obscure scene rule;
		stop the action;
	otherwise;
		say ", and ends up raiding the castle of the chief of the Gostak tribe, in far northern Scotland.  The text then resumes.[close bracket][paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	end if;
	consider the return to the game rule.

Book One - "D.C. al Coda"
		
This is the return to the game rule:
	say "....you are forced to give way and stumble through the door onto the battlement, pursued by the Gostak chief.";
	now the left hand status line is "[Location]";
	follow the major-scene-change rule;
	now the toga is worn by the player;
	remove the stiffycock from play;
	move the scottish_sky_scenery to Scotland;
	move the player to the Battlement;
	really have the parser notice the mace.
	
Book Two - "On the Woad Again"

[ This section is only gotten to if you've used "xyzzy" to change your cock to something other than blue.  And it does contain a point, so you have to do it if you want the Last Lousy Point. ]

This is the deeply obscure scene rule:
	say ", and meets up with a Druid leading a Pictish revolt.  A brief and curious fragment from this last section survives.[close bracket][paragraph break]";
	remove the toga from play;
	remove the scottish_sky_scenery from play;
	now the left hand status line is "[Location] (tripping balls)";
	follow the major-scene-change rule;
	say "...blinking dazedly in the moonlight.";
	move the player to Druidic Grove;
	move the stiffycock to the player;
	really have the parser notice the Golden Banana of Discord;
	really have the parser notice the Druidic priestess;
	now the woad is worn by the player.
	
Test to-woad with "test to-vikings / pull oar / push oar / pull oar / push oar /pull oar".
Test woad with "w / i / y2 / kiss priestess / fuck priestess / w".

Part One - "Tripping Balls"

Tripping Balls is a scene.  Tripping Balls begins when the location is the Druidic Grove.  Tripping Balls ends when the location is not the Druidic Grove.

When Tripping Balls begins:
	choose a row with a character of "Druidic priestess" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
	now the met entry is true.

Every turn during Tripping Balls:
	if a random chance of 1 in 6 succeeds
	begin;
		say "[Hallucination][paragraph break]";
	end if.
	
Hallucinations seen is a number that varies.  Hallucinations seen is 0.

To say hallucination:
	let N be the number of rows in the Table of Hallucinations;
	if hallucinations seen is N
	begin;
		repeat through the Table of Hallucinations
		begin;
			now the already seen entry is false;
		end repeat;
		now hallucinations seen is 0;
	end if;
	let T be true;
	while T is true
	begin;
		choose a random row in the Table of Hallucinations;
		let T be the already seen entry;
	end while;
	now the already seen entry is true;
	let the sc_obj be the scenery_thing entry;
	move the sc_obj to the Druidic Grove;
	increase hallucinations seen by 1;
	say "[Hallucination entry]".
	
Table of Hallucinations
hallucination	already seen	scenery_thing
"A giant bat-winged creature with your father's head swoops down out of the trees, shrieking curses at you in some barbaric tongue.  Just before its razor talons rip into you, it dissolves in a shower of silvery sparkles."	false	bat_trip
"A troupe of friendly little mushroom-folk with wooden hunting spears chant an intricate harmony as they wend their way out of the forest, between your feet, twice around the altar, and back into the forest."		false	shroom_trip
"The pirate captain straightens up from the altar, grins, exposing blackened, rotten teeth, and vomits a stream of toads and wasps at you.  You reel back, shielding your face with your arm, and when you lower it, there's nothing there."	false	pirate_trip
"The oak trees overhead shift bewilderingly through a range of violently vibrant colors before returning to their normal state."	false	tree_trip
"Everything turns inside out for one gut-wrenching second."	false	eversion_trip
"A family of bears[emdash]Papa, Mama, and Baby[emdash]wander through the clearing, leading a bedraggled naked blonde woman on a chain."	false	bear_trip
"The Great God Glub dances a polka atop the altar, and then vanishes with a loud 'bloink' and the scent of rabbit stew."	false	glub_trip

Part Two - "Keep It Together"

Some woad is an ornament.  The description is "You are painted from head to toe in a blue dye, as befits a warrior about to go into battle.  You're told this dye is also mildly hallucinogenic, which might explain some other things."  Understand "dye", "indigo", "glastum", "vitrum", "war", and "paint" as woad.  Check taking off the woad: instead say "You're going to have to wait for the top layer of your skin to wear off.  It's a permanent dye."
Check dropping the Golden Banana of Discord when the location is the Druidic Grove: instead say "You're really not planning on sticking around here, so therefore you continue to clutch the Banana."  Check throwing the Golden Banana at something when the location is the Druidic Grove: instead try dropping the Golden Banana.

Check taking the simple white robe: instead say "That seems to belong to the Druidic priestess."

Druidic Grove is a room in Scotland.  "This is a roughly-circular clearing in a dark forest, a crumbling stone altar before you.  Enormous and ancient oaks stretch to the star-studded sky.  Off to the west, you can see the occasional flicker of the Vikings[apostrophe] campfire through the trees."

Druidic_sky is a sky_scenery in Druidic Grove.  The description is "The sky above is clear, dotted with innumerable stars peeking through the canopy of oak leaves.  A crescent moon provides silvery illumination.  It's still a couple hours before dawn."  Understand "sky", "clear", "star", "stars", "dark", "night", "silver", "silvery", "crescent", "moon", "moonlight", and "innumerable" as druidic_sky.

A crumbling stone altar is a supporter in Druidic Grove.  It is scenery.  The description is "Old, old, crumbling stone, carved with Celtic knots, in whose crevices moss has grown[if the simple white robe is not worn by the Druidic priestess].  Atop the altar lies the Druidic priestess[end if]."  Understand "old", "celtic", "knot", "knots", "knotwork", "crevice", "crevices", and "moss" as the crumbling stone altar.  The crumbling stone altar can be enterable.  It is enterable.

Some ancient oaks are scenery in Druidic Grove.  The description is "Ancient oaks reach for the sky above; it must be fifty feet to even the first branch of these mighty trees."  Understand "fifty", "grove", "feet", "branch", "first", "leaf", "tree", "trees", "leaves", "canopy", "reach", and "reaching" as the ancient oaks.  Instead of doing anything other than examining or climbing with the ancient oaks, say "The oaks were here long before you, and will be here long after you're gone.  There's no point in doing anything to them."  Instead of climbing the ancient oaks, say "It's at least fifty feet before there's anything like a handhold."  Instead of going up in Druidic Grove, try climbing the ancient oaks.

A grove_trip is a kind of thing.  A grove_trip is always scenery.  The printed name of a grove_trip is "hallucination".  A grove_trip is privately-named.  The description of a grove_trip is "You can no longer perceive any such thing."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with a grove_trip, try examining the noun.  Does the player mean doing something with a grove_trip: it is very unlikely.

Bat_trip is a grove_trip.  Understand "giant", "bat", "bat-winged", "winged", "creature", "father", "father's", "cocky", "cocky's", "head", "razor", "talon", "talons", "curse", "curses", "silver", "silvery", "sparkle", and "sparkles" as the bat_trip.  
Shroom_trip is a grove_trip.  Understand "friend", "friendly", "little", "mushroom", "mushroom-folk", "folk", "wooden", "hunting", "spear", "spears", "harmony", "intricate", "chant", and "chanting" as the shroom_trip.
Pirate_trip is a grove_trip.  Understand "pirate", "captain", "black", "blackened", "rot", "rotten", "tooth", "teeth", "toad", "toads", "wasp", "wasps", and "vomit" as the pirate_trip.
Tree_trip is a grove_trip.  Understand  "rainbow", "color", "colors", and "vibrant" as the tree_trip.
Eversion_trip is a grove_trip.  Understand "inside-out" as the eversion_trip.
Bear_trip is a grove_trip.  Understand "bear", "bears", "papa", "mama", "baby", "naked", "blonde", and "goldilocks" as the bear_trip.
Glub_trip is a grove_trip.  Understand  "great", "god", "glub", "polka", "bloink", "rabbit", and "stew" as the glub_trip.

The scenery_campfire is scenery in Druidic Grove.  The printed name is "campfire".  The description is "A flickering campfire is dimly visible through the trees to the west."  Understand "campfire", "fire", "flicker", "flickering", "viking", "vikings", and "camp" as the scenery_campfire.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_campfire, say "The campfire is several hundred yards to your west."

Before going west in Druidic Grove:
	if the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is not blue
	begin;
		say "The priestess stops you with a firm palm on your chest.  'No,' she says.  'Look at yourself.  It's disgraceful.  Are you blind?  Can't you tell that [stiffycolor of the stiffycock] clashes with your blue woad?'";
		stop the action;
	otherwise;
		say "The priestess smiles [if the Druidic priestess is boinked]languidly at you from the altar [end if]as you depart the grove and waves her hand.  'Have fun storming the castle[90 as a reference]!'";
		remove the woad from play;
		say "[paragraph break][bracket]There follows another lacuna in the text.[close bracket][paragraph break]";
		consider the return to the game rule;
		stop the action;
	end if.
	
Part Three - "The Priestess"

The Druidic priestess is a woman in Druidic Grove.  "A Druidic priestess [if the white robe is worn by the Druidic priestess]stands solemnly in the grove[otherwise]reclines naked on the altar[end if]."  The description is "The Druidic priestess is a tall, thin woman with long, straight red hair, solemn green eyes, and high, pert breasts[if the white robe is worn by the Druidic Priestess] concealed under a simple white robe[otherwise].  The curtains match the carpet.  She is reclining on the crumbling stone altar[end if]."  Understand "woman", "redhead", "rosemary", and "ginger" as the Druidic Priestess.  

The conversation of the Druidic Priestess is the Table of Druidic Priestess's Chatter.  The default reply of the Druidic Priestess is "The Druidic priestess smiles enigmatically."  The Druidic Priestess has a horniness.  The Druidic Priestess is unaroused.  Instead of smelling the Druidic Priestess, say "She smells like rosemary and ginger."  Does the player mean doing something with the Druidic Priestess: it is likely.

Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, wanking off, touching, rubbing, kissing, or eating the Druidic Priestess, consider the flirting-with-the Druidic Priestess rule.  Instead of buggering the Druidic Priestess, try fucking the Druidic Priestess's anus.

Instead of inserting something into the Druidic Priestess:
	if the simple white robe is worn by the Druidic Priestess, instead say "The priestess pushes [the noun] away without a word.";
	instead try inserting the noun into the Druidic Priestess's pussy.

The simple white robe is a garment worn by the Druidic Priestess.  The description is "This is a simple white robe of purest linen."  Understand "pure", "purest", and "linen" as the simple white robe.

Some Druidic Priestess's breasts are part of the Druidic Priestess.  They are ambiguously plural. The indefinite article is "the pair of".  The description is "[if the simple white robe is worn by the Druidic Priestess]Her small, high, pert breasts push against the linen of her robe.[otherwise]They're not very big, but they sure are shapely[end if]."  Understand "pair of", "chest", "magnificent", "high", "pert", "nipple", "nipples", "aureole", "aureoles", "aureola", "aureolae", "aureolas", "shapely", "small", "tits",  "breast", "cleavage", "tit", "hooters", and "hooter" as the Druidic Priestess's breasts.  Check taking the Druidic Priestess's breasts: instead try touching the Druidic Priestess's breasts.  Instead of kissing the Druidic Priestess's breasts, try sucking the Druidic Priestess's breasts.  Instead of smelling the Druidic Priestess's breasts, try smelling the Druidic Priestess.  They are proper-named.

The Druidic Priestess's anus is an anus.  The description is "[if the simple white robe is worn by the Druidic Priestess]It's gotta be under there somewhere[otherwise]It's underneath her, and not within easy reach[end if]."  Instead of kissing, rubbing, sucking, tasting, or eating the Druidic Priestess's anus, try kissing the Druidic Priestess's pussy.  Instead of smelling the Druidic Priestess's anus, say "You can't get to it, which, perhaps, is just as well."  Instead of inserting the stiffycock into the Druidic Priestess's anus, try fucking the Druidic Priestess's anus.  Instead of inserting something into the Druidic Priestess's anus, say "The Druidic priestess grabs your wrist.  'Thanks,' she says, 'but I'd rather you actually did [italic type]not[roman type] put [a noun] in my ass.'"

Instead of buggering the Druidic Priestess's anus, try fucking the Druidic Priestess's anus.  Check taking the Druidic Priestess's anus: try fucking the Druidic Priestess's anus.

Instead of fucking the Druidic Priestess's anus:
	say "The Druidic Priestess lowers her hips and presses her butt to the altar.  'That's exit only, I'm afraid,' she explains.";
	stop the action.

The Druidic Priestess's pussy is a vagina.  The description is "[if the gown is worn by the Druidic Priestess]It's gotta be under there somewhere[otherwise]Her pussy is concealed in a thick tangle of red pubic hair."  Understand "musky", "intoxicating", "red", "pubic", "thatch", "tangle", "curly", "carpet", and "hair" as the Druidic Priestess's pussy.   Instead of inserting the stiffycock into the Druidic Priestess's pussy, consider the flirting-with-the Druidic Priestess rule.  Instead of fucking the Druidic Priestess's pussy, consider the flirting-with-the Druidic Priestess rule.  Instead of smelling the Druidic Priestess's pussy, say "Musky and intoxicating."  Check taking the Druidic Priestess's pussy: instead try fucking the Druidic Priestess.  Instead of kissing, rubbing, sucking, tasting, or eating the Druidic Priestess's pussy:
	if the Druidic Priestess is boinked, instead try fucking the Druidic Priestess;
	say "The Druidic Priestess moans and writhes under your caresses. [run paragraph on]";
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "She gasps, 'Undress.  I want you inside me.'";
	say "She hisses, 'I want you inside me.'";
	instead try fucking the Druidic Priestess.
	
Instead of inserting something into the Druidic Priestess's pussy:
	if the Druidic priestess is boinked, instead try fucking the Druidic Priestess;
	say "The Druidic Priestess stops you.  'I don't think [a noun] is what I want in there,' she says[if the stiffycock is visible], gazing at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing cock[end if]."  

Instead of touching, rubbing, or squeezing the Druidic Priestess's breasts:
	if the simple white robe is worn by the Druidic Priestess, instead say "The robe is in the way.";
	consider the flirting-with-the Druidic Priestess rule.
	
Instead of kissing, sucking, or tasting the Druidic Priestess's breasts:
	if the simple white robe is worn by the Druidic Priestess, instead try touching the Druidic Priestess's breasts;
	consider the flirting-with-the Druidic Priestess rule.
	
Instead of fucking the Druidic Priestess's breasts:
	if the gown is worn by the Druidic Priestess, instead try touching the Druidic Priestess's breasts;
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "Unfortunately, her breasts are too small to make this a viable course of action.";
	stop the action.

This is the flirting-with-the Druidic Priestess rule:
	if the Druidic Priestess is boinked
	begin;
		say "The Druidic priestess smiles, but says, 'I think we're done here.  Go get ready for your fight.'";
		stop the action;
	end if;	
	if the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is not blue
	begin;
		say "The priestess points at your [stiffycolor of the stiffycock]-glowing penis.  'That color clashes unpleasantly with your woad, and it's a huge turn-off.  Fix that, and I'll consider it.'";
		stop the action;
	end if;
	if the Druidic Priestess is unaroused
	begin;
		say "The priestess smiles invitingly and the two of you make out for a while.  Eventually she shrugs out of her robe, which falls to the forest floor, and lies back on the altar.  'Feel free.'";
		really have the parser notice the Druidic Priestess;
		now the Druidic Priestess is horny;
		move the simple white robe to the Druidic Grove;
		now the Druidic Priestess's pussy is part of the Druidic Priestess;
		now the Druidic Priestess's anus is part of the Druidic Priestess;
	otherwise;
		say "The Druidic priestess kisses you passionately, and then helps you enter her slippery pussy.  The sensations, augmented by your hallucinations, are bafflingly bizarre, but also intense and ecstatic.  The act seems to take forever.  She screams in orgasm time and time again, beating on your ribs with her fists and raking your back with her fingernails.  When you finally ejaculate it as if you are a glowing bronze wire being drawn off a red-hot ingot.";
		now the Druidic Priestess is boinked;
		move ingot_trip to Druidic Grove;
		record "the Druidic priestess" as achieved;
		really have the parser notice the Druidic Priestess;
	end if.
	
Ingot_trip is a grove_trip.  The description of ingot_trip is "That was just a simile."  Understand "draw", "drawn", "bronze", "wire", "glow", "glowing", "wound", "wind", "winding", "red", "hot", "ingot", and "red-hot" as the ingot_trip.
		
Instead of showing the stiffycock to the Druidic Priestess:
	if the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is not blue
	begin;
		say "The Druidic priestess glares at you.  'Your woad is blue.  Your cock is [stiffycolor of the stiffycock].  This is a major fashion [italic type]faux pas[roman type].  Please address this issue at your earliest convenience.";
	otherwise;
		say "The Druidic priestess smiles.  'Blue is much better.  It looks very good on you.'";
	end if;
	
The Druidic Priestess's green eyes are a part of the Druidic Priestess.  Understand "limpid" as the Druidic Priestess's green eyes.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Her eyes are green and limpid."  They are proper-named.
The Druidic Priestess's pink lips are part of the Druidic Priestess.  The description is "Her thin pink lips are delicately curved."  Understand "delicately", "thin", "delicate", "mouth", and "curved" as the Druidic Priestess's pink lips.
The Druidic Priestess's red hair is part of the Druidic Priestess.  The description is "Her straight red hair flows down her back."  Understand "straight", "long", "back", "flows", "flow", and "flowing" as the Druidic Priestess's red hair.  It is proper-named.
	
Instead of fucking the Druidic Priestess's lips:
	if the stiffycolor of the stiffycock is not blue, instead try fucking the Druidic Priestess;
	if the Druidic Priestess is boinked, instead try fucking the Druidic Priestess;
	say "You clamber onto the altar and kneel over the priestess.  She lifts her head and takes you into her mouth, dragging her lower teeth along the underside of your cock.  When you're painfully hard, she disengages, and growls, 'I want you inside me.'[paragraph break]";
	instead try fucking the Druidic Priestess.

Table of Druidic Priestess's Chatter
topic			reply		summary		turn stamp
"woman/herself/priestess/druidic/name" 	"'I am a priestess of the Old Faith; you and your friends are going to liberate our Pictish tribe from the tyranny of the Gostaks.'"	"you and the vikings were going to free her people from their subjugation by the Gostaks"	a number
"Syra"	"'An eagle's beak; a goat's libido.'"	"Syra was a memorable encounter"	--
"me/myself/Mentula/Macanus/Stiffy/Macane/Lucius" or "Stiffy Makane" or "Mentula Macanus" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula"	"'I hear you're a lover, not a fighter.'"	"your reputation precedes you"		--
"Pict/Picts/Pictish/tribe"	"'Our people are brutally oppressed by the Gostaks.  We hope you are able to overthrow the Gostak chief.'"	"she hopes you can defeat the Gostaks"	--
"Gostak/Gostakia/chief/chieftan/Baldanders/sorceror/wizard/Gostaks/castle"	"'The Gostaks are led by a terrifying sorcerous giant, who lives in yonder castle.'"	"the Gostak chief is both a sorceror and a giant"	--
"viking/vikings"	"'Overthrow the Gostak chief and keep whatever you can take.  We just want him out, and are happy for you and your Viking friends to do the job.'"	"she expects you and the Vikings to overthrow the Gostak chief and pillage his castle"	--
"old/faith/druids/druid/druidism/altar/oak/oaks/tree/trees/forest/holly"	"She spreads her hands, encompassing, it seems, the whole forest.  'The Old Faith.'"	"Druidism calls itself the Old Faith"	--
"woad/hallucinogen/hallucination/tripping/balls/dye/paint"	"'Woad is somewhat hallucinogenic.  It's probably kicking in by now.'"	"woad is a hallucinogen"	--
"lake/loch/ness/nessie/monster/tentacle/tentacular"	"'Oh, yes, the monster of the lake is real enough.  I've seen her.'"	"she has seen a monster in the lake"	--
	
Volume Fifteen - "Cheating Fate"

Cheating Fate is a scene.  Cheating Fate begins when the player is Divine Eris.  Cheating Fate ends when the player is not Divine Eris.

The saved score is a number that varies.  The saved turn count is a number that varies.

When Cheating Fate begins:
	now the saved score is the score;
	let N be a random number between 28993 and 37043;
	silently set the score to N;
	now the saved turn count is the turn count;
	let N be a random number between 98560231 and 99789221;
	now the turn count is N;
	follow the major-scene-change rule;
	say "Meanwhile, back in Olympus...";
	say paragraph break;
	say paragraph break;
	say "A terrible feeling sweeps over you, rushing from the top of your head to the very tips of your luxuriant black wings.  Oh dear.  Something awful has happened to the game you were playing; the Golden Banana is slipping from your grasp.[paragraph break]You fly as fast as you can to the Game Room, trying meanwhile to come up with a strategy.";
	say paragraph break;
	really have the parser notice the Great Table;
	now the left hand status line is "[location] (As Eris)";
	move the player to the Game Room.

When Cheating Fate ends:
	now the turn count is the saved turn count;
	silently set the score to the saved score;
	remove the god-spooge from play;
	remove the blisters from play;	
	now the mine of the Mweru bird figurine is false;
	now the mine of the hippopotamus figurine is false;
	now the description of the big black wings is "The wings are blue-black and covered in iridescent feathers.  It's a neat effect.";
	now the description of Erisian black hair is "Eris's hair is shoulder-length and black.";
	now the description of the basic black dress is "It's a basic black dress.  Nothing fancy.";
	now the left hand status line is "[location]".
	
Test Eris with "x me/x wings/score/x game/x hades/x olympus/x stiffy/x syra/take syra/search curtains/look under table/take stiffy/put stiffy on board/x argus/fuck argus/put stiffy on board/put stiffy on hades".

Test min-to-eris with "test min-intro/test min-rome/test min-ostia/test min-sea/ask palinurus about syracuse/test min-piracy/test rowing/test viking/test min-intro".

test min-eris with "take stiffy/put stiffy on board/fuck argus/put stiffy on hades".


Book One - "Divine Eris"

Divine Eris is a woman.  She is in the Game Room.  She is godly.  "A smiling goddess stands here: she is a chunky brunette with shiny black wings.  It must be Eris."  The description of Divine Eris is "As god-looking as ever."  After examining Divine Eris for the first time, now the description of Divine Eris is "As good-looking as ever, which isn't really a surprise, seeing as how you're a goddess and all.  You usually take the form of a slightly chunky brunette, with big black wings."  Understand "chunky", "slightly", "slightly-chunky", "goddess", "brunette", "Discord", and "Discordia" as Divine Eris.  The default reply of Divine Eris is "'Don't want to talk about that.  Bored now.'"  The conversation of Divine Eris is the Table of Erisian Chatter.

The big black wings are a part of Divine Eris.  The description is "The wings are blue-black and covered in iridescent feathers.  It's a neat effect."  Understand "feather", "feathers", "luxuriant", and "iridescent" as the big black wings.

Erisian black hair is part of Divine Eris.  The description is "Your hair is shoulder-length and black."  The printed name is "black hair".

The basic black dress is a garment worn by Divine Eris.  The description is "It's a basic black dress.  Nothing fancy.  This sets it apart from the raiment of your fellow gods, who tend to go in for the tawdry and gaudy."  

Some blisters are things.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Ow.  Ow ow ow."  Instead of dropping the blisters, say "If only it were that easy."  Understand "blister", "hand", and "hands" as the blisters.  Instead of tasting the blisters, say "Salty.  Ow ow ow."  Instead of smelling the blisters, try smelling the god-spooge.

Instead of looking under the basic black dress when the player is Divine Eris:
	if the basic black dress is worn by Eris, instead say "That is all you in there[80 as a reference].";
	say "There's nothing under the black dress."
	
Instead of looking under the basic black dress:
	say "Eris glares at you, presses her knees together, and shuffles aside."
	
Instead of searching the basic black dress, try looking under the basic black dress.

Instead of taking off the basic black dress when the player is Divine Eris:
	If Argus is not warned_about, instead say "You have no particular desire to disrobe.";
	If Argus is not boinked, instead say "You're not about to give the bastard the satisfaction.  He doesn't get to watch as well as do.";
	say "No way.  Argus got what he came for.  He's not going to get a free show too."
	
Check wanking when the player is Divine Eris:
	If Argus is not warned_about, instead say "You're not really in the mood.";
	If Argus is not boinked, instead try taking off the basic black dress;
	instead say "Really, really, no.  Ouch."
	
Check fucking Eris when the player is Divine Eris:
	instead try wanking.
	
[ The rest of Eris is in the Olympus section where Stiffy will encounter her. ]

Book Two - "Game Room"

Olympus is a region.  Game Room is a room in Olympus.

The last place checked is a number that varies.  The last place checked is 0.

Game Room is a room.  The description is "This is the game room of the gods.  Heavy velvet curtains line the walls[if the player is Stiffy Makane], concealing the entry to the west[end if]; couches surround the table for the delectation of spectators."

Before going west when the player is Divine Eris:
	say "Well, yes, you [italic type]could[roman type] leave the game room, but you really think you had better not until you solve your problem.";
	stop the action.

Some couches are supporters in the Game Room.  They are scenery.  The description is "Overstuffed brown leather sofas provide a comfortable lounge for the gods to comment on others[apostrophe] games."  Understand "overstuffed", "leather", "sofa", "sofas", "lounge", "comfortable", "brown", and "couch" as the couches.  Instead of taking, pushing, or pulling the couches, say "They're too large to comfortably move."  Instead of searching the couches, say "Unfortunately, with Mercury around, there's hardly ever any change fallen behind the couch cushions."  Instead of looking under the couches, say "There's nothing under the couches."

Some heavy velvet curtains are scenery in Game Room.  They are ambiguously plural.   The description is "Heavy green velvet curtains line the walls."  Understand "green", "drape", "drapes", "curtain", and "arras" as the heavy velvet curtains.  Some heavy velvet curtains  can be openable.  They are openable.  Instead of opening the heavy velvet curtains, try searching the heavy velvet curtains.
Instead of searching the heavy velvet curtains:
	if the player is Divine Eris
	begin; 
		now the last place checked is 1;
		now the heavy velvet curtains are handled;
		say "You accusingly whip aside the curtains, but find nothing.";
	otherwise;
		say "There is nothing behind the curtains.";
	end if.

Part One - "The Great Table"

The Great Table is a supporter in the Game Room. The description is "The Great Table's surface is a somewhat-schematic map of the world.  It is a painstakingly-constructed relief map, with little mountains, rivers, and seas (full, indeed, of water).  Cities are represented slightly larger-than-life, with the architectural features exaggerated; for instance, the Pharos in Alexandria is much larger than it would be were it proportional.  An annex, of sorts, slightly lower than the main surface of the table and off to the side a bit, represents Hades.  Figurines, each representing a hero or monster, dot the map."  Understand "painstaking", "painstakingly", "painstakingly-constructed", "constructed", "little", "map", "world", "game", "relief", "surface", "mountain", "mountains", "rivers", "river", "sea", "water", "ocean", "seas", "oceans", "basin", "city", "cities", "living", "game", and "board" as the Great Table.  Instead of pushing or pulling the Great Table, say "If you try shifting the table, you're going to knock over a bunch of figurines, and that will make you extremely unpopular."  Check taking the Great Table: instead try pushing the Great Table.  The Great Table can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  Instead of sucking, drinking or tasting the Great table, say "Realistically, the seas on the table are very salty.  Ick." 

Rule for supplying a missing noun when drinking and the location is the atrium: now the second noun is the Great Table. 

Instead of looking under the Great Table:
	if the player is Divine Eris
	begin;
		now the last place checked is 2;
		say "You crouch down and glare under the table.  Nothing is down there.";
		now the Great Table is handled;
	end if.


Before inserting something into the Great Table:
	instead try putting the noun on the Great Table.
	
Rule for writing a paragraph about the Great Table:
	say "The Great Table nearly fills the room.  Its surface is dotted with dozens of lead figurines[run paragraph on]";
	if the Stiffy Makane figurine is on the Great Table
	begin;
		if the player is Divine Eris
		begin;
			say ", including, notably, Stiffy Makane, face-down in a lake in the north of Scotland[run paragraph on]";
			now the Stiffy Makane figurine is mentioned;
		otherwise;
			say ", including, notably, yourself, atop Olympus, the Golden Banana clenched in your fist.";
		end if;
	end if;
	say ".  A collection of dice in many shapes and sizes are scattered across its surface."
	
This is the fancy examine supporters rule:
	if the noun is the Great Table, continue the action;
	if the noun is Model_olympus, continue the action;
	if the noun is Model_hades, continue the action;
	abide by the examine supporters rule.

The fancy examine supporters rule is listed instead of the examine supporters rule in the carry out examining rulebook.	

Instead of putting a figurine on the Great Table:
	say "You will have to be more specific: which part of the table do you want to put it onto?";
	stop the action.

A map_locale is a kind of container.  It is always open.  It is never openable.
Before putting something (called the thingy) on a map_locale (called the map_city), instead try inserting thingy into map_city.
	  
Before inserting something that is not a figurine into a map_locale:
	say "Unless it's a figurine, it doesn't belong in [second noun] on the game board.";
	stop the action.		

Model_rome is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.  The printed name is "Rome".  The description is "Here's Rome, sure enough[if the player is Divine Eris].  And there, on the forum steps, lies Caesar.  It looks like his lifestyle finally caught up with him[end if]."  Understand "Rome", "Forum", "step", "steps", "stair", and "stairs" as Model_rome.

Model_carthage is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.   The printed name is "Carthage".  The description is "Carthage includes a large cemetery, a fortune-teller's tent, and a doctor's office."  Understand "Carthage", "cemetery", "tent", "fortune-teller's", "necropolis", "office", and "doctor's" as Model_carthage.

Model_ostia is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.  The printed name is "Ostia".  The description is "There's a little model Ostia, exactly where you would expect it.  Nothing interesting is happening there."  Understand "Ostia" as Model_ostia.

Model_alexandria is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.  The printed name is "Alexandria".  The description is "The model of Alexandria is dominated by the Pharos."  Understand "Alexandria" and "Pharos" as Model_alexandria.

Model_scotland is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.  The printed name is "Scotland".  The description is "Far to the north, Scotland is a soggy and cold land of barbarians and haggis[if the Stiffy Makane figurine is on the Great Table and the player is Divine Eris].  Also the drowned form of Stiffy Makane in his watery grave[end if]."  Understand "scotland", "grave", "watery", "haggis", "barbarians", "gostakia", "loch", "ness", and "lake" as Model_scotland.  Model_scotland can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  Instead of sucking, tasting or drinking Model_scotland, say "The water tastes nastily of peat moss, and there's no way you could force all of it down[if the player is Divine Eris].  Anyway, Stiffy has already drowned.  Draining the lake won't help now[end if]."

Model_mongolia is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.  The printed name is "Mongolia".  The description is "Mongolia is a windswept steppe."  Understand "Mongolia", "steppe", and "windswept" as Model_mongolia.

Model_styx is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.  The printed name is "River Styx".  The description is "Styx separates Hades from the living world."  Understand "styx" and "river" as Model_styx.  Model_styx can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  Instead of sucking, tasting or drinking Model_styx, say "You touch the tip of your tongue to the Styx.  It is overpoweringly bitter.  Yuck."

Model_hades is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.  The printed name is "Hades".  Understand "hades", "annex", "hell", "underworld", "land of the dead", and "lower" as Model_hades.  The description is "Hades is represented by its own portion of the board, isolated from the rest by the River Styx, and set at a slightly lower level." 

Model_olympus is a map_locale.  It is part of the Great Table.  The printed name is "Olympus".  Understand "Thessalonica", "Thessaly", "Litochoro", "Prionia", "Olympus", "Mount", and "Olympia" as Model_olympus.  The description is "Olympus is visible, but there are no miniatures of the residents.  The temptation for the gods to mess with one another through their figurines was just too great, so a rule was implemented: manifesting deities are placed in the spot of their mortal manifestation, but are out of play when they're at home on Olympus.  This rule does not apply to the occasional mortal visiting Olympus[if no figurine is in Model_Olympus], of which there currently are none[otherwise], represented by: [list of all figurines in Model_Olympus][end if]."

A figurine is a kind of thing.  A figurine has some text called a name.  The name of a figurine is usually "some random peasant".  A figurine can be male or female.  A figurine is usually male.  The description is "This is a finely-detailed lead figurine of [name]."   A figurine has a truth state called mine.  The mine of a figurine is false.  A figurine can be edible.  It is not edible.  A figurine can be drinkable.  It is not drinkable.
Check taking a figurine: 
	if the mine of the noun is false
	begin;
		say "[The noun] belongs to someone else's game.  [if the player is Stiffy Makane]Even mortals know that i[otherwise]I[end if]t's considered very poor form to interfere in other games uninvited; it's the sort of thing that myths and legends end up being written about, and everyone involved gets pissy for decades.";
		stop the action;
	end if.
Understand "miniature" and "mini" as a figurine.

A scenery_figurine is a kind of figurine.  It is scenery.

This is the fancy can't take scenery rule:
	if the noun is a scenery_figurine, continue the action;
	abide by the can't take scenery rule.
	
The fancy can't take scenery rule is listed instead of the can't take scenery rule in the check taking rulebook.

Part Two - "Dice"

Section One - "Definitions"

[ The dice mechanics are stolen from The Reliques of Tolti-Aph ]

[* RPGs are games of chance as well as skill, and the actual rolling of the dice is as much a part of the experience as the randomised outcome. The polyhedral four-, six-, eight-, ten-, twenty- and even hundred-sided dice ubiquitous to RPGs are pleasingly exotic in the hand, but also make possible a wide range of random distributions. W&W uses the traditional notation for such rolls (which evolved as the D&D rules went through successive printings, but became standard around 1980): "3d6+2" means we should roll three six-sided dice, add up the scores showing, then add 2.]

[ The dice code is further based on Benjamin Penney's "To Hit", posted to rec.arts.int-fiction on 19 June 2010]

A die roll is a kind of value. 9d100+29 specifies a die roll with parts dice, sides (without leading zeros), modifier (without leading zeros, optional, preamble optional).

A singular die roll is a kind of value. d100+29 specifies a singular die roll with parts sides (without leading zeros), modifier (without leading zeros, optional, preamble optional).

A subtractive die roll is a kind of value. 9d100-29 specifies a subtractive die roll with parts dice, sides (without leading zeros), modifier (without leading zeros, optional, preamble optional).

A singular subtractive die roll is a kind of value. d100-29 specifies a singular subtractive die roll with parts sides (without leading zeros), modifier (without leading zeros, optional, preamble optional).

[* The optional nature of the adds part of a die roll means that "2d4", for instance, is also a legal form. Again, this is a convention imitating the tables which appear in printed RPG rulebooks. What Inform means by the preamble to the adds part is the plus sign: if this had not been  specified to be optional, "2d4+" would be legal.]                              
                                                                                
[* We added the pointless verb "roll" as a harmless convenience for testing that die rolls work: if the player types "ROLL 3D6+2", the game might reply "For your own amusement, you roll 3d6+2: 2,5,4+2=13, making thirteen."]

Understand "roll [singular die roll]" as test_rolling singular. Understand "dice [singular die roll]" as test_rolling singular. Understand "shoot [singular die roll]" as test_rolling singular. Understand "throw [singular die roll]" as test_rolling singular. test_rolling singular is an action applying to one singular die roll.

Instead of an actor test_rolling singular value (called the roll), try the actor test_rolling the die roll with dice part 1 sides part (the sides part of the roll) modifier part (the modifier part of the roll) instead.

Understand "roll [subtractive die roll]" as test_rolling subtractive. Understand "dice [subtractive die roll]" as test_rolling subtractive. Understand "shoot [subtractive die roll]" as test_rolling subtractive. Understand "throw [subtractive die roll]" as test_rolling subtractive. test_rolling subtractive is an action applying to one subtractive die roll.

Instead of an actor test_rolling subtractive value (called the roll), try the actor test_rolling the die roll with dice part (0 minus the dice part of the roll) sides part (0 minus the sides part of the roll) modifier part (0 minus the modifier part of the roll) instead.

Understand "roll [singular subtractive die roll]" as test_rolling singular subtractive. Understand "dice [singular subtractive die roll]" as test_rolling singular subtractive. Understand "shoot [singular subtractive die roll]" as test_rolling singular subtractive. Understand "throw [singular subtractive die roll]" as test_rolling singular subtractive. test_rolling singular subtractive is an action applying to one singular subtractive die roll. 

Instead of an actor test_rolling singular subtractive value (called the roll), try the actor test_rolling the die roll with dice part -1 sides part (0 minus the sides part of the roll) modifier part (0 minus the modifier part of the roll) instead.

test_rolling is an action out of world applying to one die roll. 

Understand "roll [die roll]" as test_rolling.  Understand "dice [die roll]" as test_rolling. Understand "shoot [die roll]" as test_rolling.  Understand "throw [die roll]" as test_rolling.

test_rolling craps is an action out of world applying to nothing.
Understand "roll" as test_rolling craps when the polyhedra are visible.  Understand "dice" as test_rolling craps.  Understand "shoot" as test_rolling craps when the polyhedra are visible. 

The craps-point is a number that varies.  The craps-point is 0.

To decide what number is the modulus of (n - a number):
	if n is less than 0
	begin;
		decide on 0 minus n;
	otherwise;
		decide on n;
	end if.

To say (d - a number) die/dice with (ss - a number) sides adding (m - a number):
        say "[if d is not 1][d][end if]d[ss][if m is greater than 0]+[m][otherwise if m is less than 0][m][end if]".


To decide what number is the roll of (d - a number) die/dice with (ss - a number) sides adding (m - a number):
	let the total be m;
	say "[if d is not 1][d][end if]d[ss][if m is greater than 0]+[m][otherwise if m is less than 0][m][end if]: ";
	repeat with counter running from 1 to d
	begin;
		let the roll be a random number from 1 to ss;
		if the counter is not 1, say " + ";
		say the roll;
		increase the total by the roll;
	end repeat;
	if m is 0 and d is 1, decide on the total;
	if m is not 0, say "[if m is greater than 0] + [m][otherwise] - [modulus of m][end if] ";
	decide on the total.


Section Two - "Specifics"

Report an actor test_rolling value (called the roll):
	if the polyhedra are not visible, instead say "You see no dice here.";
	let dnum be the modulus of the dice part of the roll;
	let dsize be the modulus of the sides part of the roll;
	let dadds be the modifier part of the roll;
	if dsize is less than one, instead say "There's no such thing as a [dsize in words]-sided die.";
	if dnum is less than one
	begin;
		if dnum is 0, instead say "[if the actor is the player]You smugly roll[otherwise][the actor] smugly rolls[end if] no dice[if dadds is not 0] and, just as smugly, add [dadds in words], making, naturally, [dadds in words][otherwise].  Zero.  Well done[end if].";
		instead say "There's no way to roll [dnum in words]dice.";
	end if;
	if dsize is 1 
	begin;
		say "Weirdly, [if the actor is the player]you do[otherwise][the actor] does[end if] find [dnum in words] [if dnum is 1]die[otherwise]dice[end if] marked '1' on all sides.[paragraph break]";
	otherwise;
		if dsize is 2
		begin;
			say "Generally a coin is used as a two-sided die, but [if the actor is the player]you do[otherwise][the actor] does[end if] do actually find [dnum in words] marked with a '1' on one side and a '2' on the other.[paragraph break]";
		otherwise;
			if dsize is not 4 and dsize is not 6 and dsize is not 8 and dsize is not 10 and dsize is not 12 and dsize is not 20 and dsize is not 30 and dsize is not 100
			begin;
				say "It takes some doing, but eventually [if the actor is the player]you do[otherwise][the actor] does[end if] locate [dnum in words] [dsize]-sided [if dnum is 1]die[otherwise]dice[end if].[paragraph break]";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	say "For [if the actor is the player]your own amusement, you roll [otherwise][the actor] rolls [end if] ";
	let dresult be the roll of dnum dice with dsize sides adding dadds; 
	say ", making [dresult in words][run paragraph on]";
	if dnum is 1 and dsize is 20 and dadds is 0
	begin;
		if dresult is 20
		begin;
			say "[emdash][italic type]CRITICAL HIT[roman type]!";
		otherwise;
			if dresult is 1
			begin;
				say "[emdash][italic type]FUMBLE[roman type]!"; 
				if the player is Stiffy Makane
				begin;
					say "[paragraph break]Suddenly, a sixteen-ton iron weight drops from the ceiling onto your head, squashing you like a beetle.";
					end the story saying "You rolled a one";
				end if;
			otherwise;
				say ".";
			end if;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		if dnum is 2 and dsize is 6 and dadds is 0
		begin;
			if craps-point is 0
			begin;
				if dresult is 7 or dresult is 11
				begin;
					say "[emdash][italic type]NATURAL!  YOU WIN[roman type]!";
				otherwise;
					if dresult is 2 or dresult is 3 or dresult is 12
					begin;
						say "[emdash][italic type]CRAPS!  YOU LOSE[roman type]!";
					otherwise;
						say ", and establishing it as the point.";
						now the craps-point is dresult;
					end if;
				end if;
			otherwise;
				if dresult is 7
				begin;
					say "[emdash][italic type]SEVEN-OUT!  YOU LOSE[roman type]!";
					now the craps-point is 0;
				otherwise;
					if dresult is the craps-point
					begin;
						say "[emdash][italic type]YOU WIN[roman type]!";
						now the craps-point is 0;
					otherwise;
						say ".  Shoot again[emdash]your point is [craps-point in words].";
					end if;
				end if;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			say ".";
		end if;
	end if.
	
Carry out test_rolling craps:
	Try test_rolling 2d6;
	stop the action.

Some polyhedra are scenery in the Game Room.   The description is "Dice, in all the shapes of the Platonic solids (and some others), are scattered about the game table."  Understand "platonic", "solids", "solid", "prism", "prisms", "die", "dice", "tetrahedron", "4-sided", "cube", "6-sided", "octohedron", "8-sided", "dodecahedron", "12-sided", "icosahedron", "20-sided", "30-sided", "100-sided",  "polyhedron", "bone", "bones", and "polyhedra" as polyhedra.  
	
Instead of dropping the polyhedra:
	try test_rolling 2d6.

Check taking the polyhedra:
	instead try test_rolling 2d6.
	
Instead of pushing the polyhedra:
	try test_rolling 2d6.

Part Three - "Cheating"

The Stiffy Makane figurine is a figurine on the Great Table.  The description is "The figurine representing Stiffy Makane lies face-down in a lake in the north of Scotland.  He's dead."  The name is "Stiffy Makane".  Before taking the Stiffy Makane figurine for the first time, say "You glance around furtively.  No one seems to be watching as you pick up the figurine."  The mine of the Stiffy Makane figurine is true.  After taking the Stiffy Makane figurine, now the description of the Stiffy Makane figurine is  "This is a rather accurately-rendered lead miniature of Stiffy Makane; he wears a toga and clutches the Golden Banana of DIscord."  Understand "toga", "banana", "gold", and "golden" as the Stiffy Makane Figurine.  Does the player mean doing something other than drinking with the Stiffy Makane figurine: it is very likely.  It is male.

Before inserting the Stiffy Makane figurine into something:
	if the second noun is Model_hades
	begin;
		consider the sort-of-busted rule;
		if Argus is unboinked, stop the action;
	otherwise;
		if the second noun is not a map_locale
		begin;
			continue the action;
		otherwise;
			if the second noun is not Model_styx
			begin;
				instead consider the you-are-busted rule;
			otherwise;
				say "Dropping Stiffy Makane into the Styx is not going to help matters.";
				stop the action;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Before putting the Stiffy Makane figurine on the Great Table:
	consider the you-are-busted rule;
	stop the action.
	
After inserting the Stiffy Makane figurine into the Model_hades:
	remove Argus from play;
	remove the god-spooge from play;
	remove the blisters from play;
	now the craps-point is 0;
	now the description of Divine Eris is "Eris is a slightly chunky brunette, with big black wings.";
	now the description of Erisian black hair is "Eris's hair is shoulder-length and black.";
	now the description of the basic black dress is "It's a basic black dress.  Nothing fancy.";
	now the description of the big black wings is "The wings are blue-black and covered in iridescent feathers.";  
	say "You carefully place the figurine of Stiffy Makane upright in the Land of the Dead, and glare at the smirking Argus.";
	move Stiffy Makane to the Land of the Dead;
	say paragraph break;
	say paragraph break;
	follow the major-scene-change rule;
	say "That's odd.  Just a moment ago you were drowning in an icy lake.  And now, you appear to be dry and, if not exactly warm, not cold either.  There's a distinct lack of water in your lungs, too.";
	say paragraph break;
	say paragraph break;
	really have the parser notice the crystal skull;
	now the player is Stiffy Makane.
	
This is the you-are-busted rule:
	if Argus is boinked
	begin;
		say "Argus chuckles.  'Nice try, but you have to put him in Hades.  You can set him upright if you want, though.'";
	otherwise;
		if Argus is warned_about
		begin;
			say "Argus fixes you with about thirty-five steely gazes.  You stop.";
		otherwise;
			say "As you begin to place the figure of Stiffy Makane on the table, you hear the unmistakable sound of somone clearing his throat. [run paragraph on]";
			consider the howdy-argus rule;
		end if;
	end if;
	stop the action.
	
This is the sort-of-busted rule:
	if Argus is boinked
	begin;
		say "Argus grins smugly at you but doesn't stop you.";
		continue the action;
	otherwise;
		if Argus is warned_about
		begin;
			say "Argus glares at you with some considerable fraction of his eyes.  You cease.";
		otherwise;
			say "As you begin to place the figure of Stiffy Makane in Hades, you hear the unmistakable sound of someone clearing his throat.  'I see that,' a voice calls.  'I see all.  And you don't get to put him upright, even in Hades.  He's dead.'  [run paragraph on]";
			consider the howdy-argus rule;
		end if;
		stop the action;
	end if.
	
This is the howdy-argus rule:
	if the last place checked is 1
	begin;
		say "Argus straightens up from under the table[if the Great Table is handled].  'Oh, don't look so surprised,' he says.  'I hid there while you were checking the curtains[otherwise].  'You really ought to pay more attention to your surroundings[end if].  [run paragraph on]";
	otherwise;
		say "Argus steps from behind one of the green curtains[if the heavy curtains are handled].  'I hid there while you were looking under the table, silly[otherwise].  'As if those curtains were there for any other reason[end if].  [run paragraph on]";
	end if;
	say "How very, very naughty, Eris,' he gloats.  'Cheating.  Cheating at the Great Game.  Why, that's the sort of thing that could get you in real trouble with your fellow deities.  I bet they'd be very, very angry to hear about this.  Maybe there's some way,' he leers at you, 'that we could negotiate some deal so I don't tell them about it.'  From between two of his many eyes, an erect penis suddenly protrudes.  Argus gestures at it, and raises some of his eyebrows.";
	now Argus's erection is part of Argus;
	now Argus's eyes are part of Argus;
	move Argus to the Game Room;
	Now the description of Argus is "Hundred-eyed Argus watches you from twenty or thirty of them.  An incongruous penis protrudes from between two of his eyes.";
	now Argus is warned_about.

Some all_figurines are scenery_figurines on the Great Table.  Understand "figurines" and "figurine" as all_figurines.  The printed name is "figurines".  The description is "Many figurines dot the table.  You can see [if the Stiffy Makane figurine is enclosed by the Great Table]Stiffy Makane, [end if][if the Julius Caesar figurine is on the Great Table]Julius Caesar, [end if]Baldanders, a hippo, and the Mweru Bird, among others."  Does the player mean doing something with the all_figurines: it is likely.  They are male.  Check drinking the all_figurines: instead say "Fortunately for all concerned, the ambient temperature in the Game Room is still far below the melting point of lead."
The Julius Caesar figurine is a scenery_figurine on the Great Table.  The description is "Caesar lies crumpled on the Forum steps."  The printed name is "Julius Caesar".  The name is "Julius Caesar".  It is proper-named.  Understand "crumpled", "Gaius", "Gaius Julius Caesar" as the Julius Caesar figurine.
The Syra figurine is a scenery_figurine on the Great Table.  The description is "You eventually find Syra entertaininga troupe of horsemen in Mongolia."  The printed name is "Syra".  The name is "Syra".  Check taking the Syra figurine: instead say "You shudder to think of all the diseases you might catch from that figure."  It is female.  It is proper-named.
A hippopotamus figurine is a scenery_figurine on the Great Table.  The description is "The hippopotamus is actually a small blue stuffed toy about eight inches long.  It's a plush version of an Egyptian ceramic original."  Understand "hippo", "William", "blue", "faience", "ceramic", "plush", "stuffed", and "toy" as the hippopotamus figurine.  The printed name is "hippopotamus".  The name is "hippopotamus".  Check taking the hippopotamus figurine when the player is Divine Eris: instead say "You figure you've given the hippo a hard enough day already."  The mine of the hippopotamus figurine is true.
Some horsemen are scenery_figurines on the Great Table.  The printed name is "some random horseman".  Understand "hun", "huns", "troupe", "horseman", "mongol", "mongols", "horde", "pony", and "ponies" as the horsemen.  They are male.
A Mweru bird figurine is a scenery_figurine on the Great Table.  The description is "At one point, there was a very impressive lead figurine of the Mweru Bird, which used to look more classically roc-like and vulture-ish.  Somehow, it got lost, so now the bird is represented by a somewhat threadbare stuffed canary."  Understand "canary", "threadbare", "stuffed", "vulture", "roc", and "parakeet" as the mweru bird figurine.  Check taking the mweru bird figurine when the player is Divine Eris: instead say "The less you handle it, the better; one of the legs is going to fall off any day now, and you don't want to be responsible for having to put it back on."  The printed name is "Mweru bird".  The name is "Mweru bird". The indefinite article is "the".  The mine of the Mweru bird figurine is true.
The Baldanders figurine is a scenery_figurine on the Great Table.  The description is "Baldanders, the giant kilt-clad Gostak chief, brandishes his mace."   Understand "huge", "kilt", "kilt-clad", "Gostak", "chief", and "mace" as the Baldanders figurine.  It is male.  The printed name is "Baldanders".  The name is "Baldanders".  It is proper-named

Book Three - "Argus"

Argus is a man.  "Argus lounges insouicantly here, his hundred eyes twinkling as he contemplates you."  The description is "Hundred-eyed Argus watches you from twenty or thirty of them."  The default reply of Argus is "Argus says nothing, but waggles an eyebrow or six."  The conversation of Argus is the table of Argus's chatter.

Instead of asking Argus about anything when Argus is boinked, say "You're no longer on speaking terms."

Table of Argus's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Argus/himself"	"'I see all.  Cheater.'"	"he claims to see everything, and reminded you that he caught you cheating"		a number
"me/Eris/Discordia"	"'I'd hit it.'"	"he'd like to have sex with you"	--
"Syra"		"'Some schnozz on that girl.  Good ride, though!'"	"he thinks Syra's nose is big, but she's a good lay"	--
"Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Lucius/Mentula" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula" or "Stiffy Makane" or "Macanus Mentula"	"'I couldn't care less about your little hero.'"	"he doesn't care about Stiffy"	--



Argus's erection is a penis.  The description is "Argus's erection throbs with vivid purple veins."  Understand "vivid", "purple", "hardon", "hard-on", "vein", "veins", "rod", "junk", "prick", "wang", "dick", "schween", "passer", "sparrow", "schlong", "pecker", "genitals", "penis", and "cock" as the Argus's erection.

Argus's eyes are things.  The description is "Lots and lots and lots of eyes."  Understand "eye", "eyebrow", "eyebrows", "sleepy", "half", "lowered", "half-lowered", "lid", "eyelid", "lids", and "eyelids"  as Argus's eyes.

The god-spooge is a thing.  The description is "Ew.  It's all in your hair and wings and everywhere.".  Instead of tasting or eating the god-spooge, say "You've had quite enough."  Instead of smelling the god-spooge, say "You can't smell anything else."  Understand "spooge", "semen", "sperm", "slime", "cum", and "skeet" as the god-spooge.  Instead of dropping the god-spooge, say "If only you could."

Instead of sucking, touching, rubbing, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Argus's erection, try fucking Argus.

Instead of sucking, touching, rubbing, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Argus:
	say "With a resigned sigh, you squat down and go to work on Argus's penis.  His ejaculation is surprisingly quick.  Before you can get up, though, another hard-on pops up between two different eyes.  'Oh,' smirks Argus.  'I probably should have mentioned.  I have a hundred of [italic type]these[roman type] too.'  You descend into what is basically a demented game of Whack-a-Mole.  Several hours later, you're finally done, sore in every orifice, your throat raw, your hands a mass of blisters, your wings and hair beslimed with god-spooge.[paragraph break]Argus folds his hands across his chest.  'Oh, that was nice.  Go on, Eris, put your little hero on the board.  Only in Hades, though.  But I'll let you stand him up if you like.'";
	increase the score by 100;
	now Argus is boinked;
	now the blisters are part of Divine Eris;
	now the god-spooge is part of Divine Eris;
	now the description of Divine Eris is "Ugh.  You need a shower.";
	now the description of the big black wings is "Ick.  It's going to take a lot of shampoo to get all that spooge out of your wings.";
	now the description of Erisian black hair is "Yuck.  You'll have to wash your hair quite a lot to get all that semen out of it.";
	now the description of the basic black dress is "It's time for a new dress.";
	now the description of Argus is "Hundred-eyed Argus watches you from under the sleepy, half-lowered lids of twenty or thirty of them.".


Volume Sixteen - "Stiffy Harrows Hell"

Book One - "Preliminaries"

Stiffy Harrows Hell is a scene.  Stiffy Harrows Hell begins when Cheating Fate ends.  Stiffy Harrows Hell ends falsely when the location is End_Of_Road.  Stiffy Harrows Hell ends truly when the location is Inside_the_Cavern.

When Stiffy Harrows Hell begins:
	move the player to the Land of the Dead;
	now cockglow is 1;
	move Madame Sosostris to the couch;
	if no garment is worn by the player
	begin;
		if no garment is carried by the player
		begin;
			now the burial shroud is worn by the player;
			remove the stiffycock from play;
		otherwise;
			let G be a random garment carried by the player;
			now G is worn by the player;
			remove the stiffycock from play;
		end if;
	end if;                
	now the description of Madame Sosostris is "[if Madame Sosostris is on the couch]Madame Sosostris, a little the worse for wear, rests on the couch, a martini[9 as a footnote] in her hand[otherwise]Madame Sosostris, looking a bit battered, is here, martini[9 as a footnote] clutched in one shaky hand[end if]." ;
	now Madame Sosostris is unboinked;
	now the default reply of Madame Sosostris is "'Not now, darling.  Auntie is hung.'".

The Underworld is a region.  The Unreal City, the Garden, the Plaza, the Land of the Dead, Little Thebes, Rats' Alley, the Slough of Despond, the Apartment, the Bloody Wood, the Riverbank, the Northern_riverbank, the Circular Ruins, the Olive Grove, the Muddy Field, and Persephone's Palace are in the Underworld.

The burial shroud is a garment.  The description is "A coarse, brown, woolen burial shroud."  Understand "coarse", "brown", and "woolen" as the burial shroud.  The warmth of the burial shroud is 3.

The Cerberus_turn_count is a number that varies.  The Cerberus_turn_count is 0.  The Cerberus_taunt_thing is a thing that varies.  The Cerberus_taunt_thing is the real_sausage.  A cerberus_state is a kind of value.  The cerberus_states are guarding, intrigued, and infighting.  Cerberus has a cerberus_state.  Cerberus is guarding.

The daytime_text is text that varies.  The daytime_text is "noon".  The daytime_citation is text that varies.  The daytime_citation is "III.208".  The phlebas_turn_count is a number that varies.  The phlebas_turn_count is 0.

Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell:
	if Cerberus is guarding or Cerberus is intrigued
	begin;
		if Cerberus is intrigued
		begin;
			if the location is the Apartment
			begin;
				say "Cerberus snuffles and moans outside the apartment.  Madame Sosostris seems unruffled.";
			otherwise;
				if Cerberus is not in the location
				begin;
					now the Cerberus_turn_count is 0;
					let R be the best route from the location to the location of Cerberus, using doors;
					say "Cerberus comes galumphing in from [the R][if the location is the Unreal City], scattering the men in suits like bowling pins[end if][if the location is Little Thebes], prompting a collective sigh from the denizens[end if].";
					if the location is the Unreal City
					begin;
						if the location of the umbrella is not a room
						begin;
							say "[line break]A black umbrella pirouettes to the ground.";
							move the umbrella to the Unreal City;
							remove the scenery_umbrella from play;
						end if;
					end if;
					move Cerberus to the location;
				otherwise;
					now the Cerberus_turn_count is the Cerberus_turn_count + 1;
					if the Cerberus_turn_count is 1, say "Cerberus, drooling violently, stares at [the Cerberus_taunt_thing] and whines.";
					if the Cerberus_turn_count is 2, say "Cerberus paws at [the Cerberus_taunt_thing], nearly knocking it from your grasp, as you dance backward hurriedly.";
					if the Cerberus_turn_count is 3
					begin;
						say "Cerberus lunges for [the Cerberus_taunt_thing].  He gets it, and, unfortunately, you with it.";
						end the story saying "You have been devoured";
					end if;
				end if;
			end if;
		end if;		
		if Cerberus is in the location of the player
		begin;
			if no garment is worn by the player
			begin;
				if Cerberus is not warned_about
				begin;
					now Cerberus is warned_about;
					say "The right head begins frenetically sniffing and licking at your exposed navel, nearly knocking you off your feet.";
				otherwise;
					say "The right head lunges for your navel.  Unfortunately, it does so rather too enthusiastically, and inadvertently eviscerates you.";
					end the story saying "You have been schnorfled to death";
				end if;
			end if;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		choose a random row in the Table of Fighting Cerberus Descriptions;
		now the description of Cerberus is the fighting_description entry; 
	end if.


Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell: if the location is the garden
	begin;
		if the location of Cerberus is the garden
		begin;
			if the location of Stetson is the garden
			begin;
				say "The dog sniffs.  Huge horrible ropes of drool trail from the center head's flews as it roots around in the garden.  Suddenly it begins to dig in the mound from which the lilac bush grows, dirt flying in all directions.[paragraph break]";
				say "Stetson turns as white as his hat.  The dog makes snorting noises.  The lilac bushes are uprooted.  A horrible stench fills the air.  The central head emerges from the hole it has dug, a greenish, rotten arm clutched in its teeth.[paragraph break]";
				say "Stetson leaps astride the stone snail, shrieking obscenities, and kicks it in the side.  It shudders and rises a few feet into the air.  Then he pushes both horns forward.  The snail shoots off into the distance in a contrail of twinkling slime.  Stetson's hat drifts slowly to the ground.[paragraph break]";
				say "The small right head snarls at the central head and bites its ear.  The middle head yelps and drops the arm, which the left head smugly snatches.  Then the right head attacks the left head, as the central head drops to the ground, whines, and covers its snout with its front paws.  The left head drops the arm to reply in a flurry of teeth and growls.  The central head begins to reach for the arm, but is quickly dissuaded by the other two.[paragraph break]";
				Move the ten-gallon hat to the location;
				Remove Stetson from play;
				Now Cerberus is infighting;
				now the printed name of Cerberus is "Cerberus (fighting with itself)";
				Remove the lilac bush from play;
				Remove the mound from play;
				Remove the stone snail from play;
				Move the scattered earth to the location;
				Move the dead arm to the location;
				If the Cerberus_taunt_thing is the real_sausage
				begin;
					let _T be a random number from 1 to 3;
					say "In all the excitement, the sausage drops from your grasp, and the [if _T is 1]left[end if][if _T is 2]middle[end if][if _T is 3]right[end if] head slurps it down without breaking stride.";
				otherwise;
					say "In all the excitement, the kitten wriggles from your grasp and vanishes over the garden wall.";
				end if;
				remove the Cerberus_taunt_thing from play;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell: if the location is Persephone's palace
	begin;
		if the location of Cerberus is Persephone's palace
		begin;
			if the location of Persephone is Persephone's palace
			begin;
				say "[if Persephone is handled]Persephone[otherwise]The woman[end if] jumps to her feet.  'Bad dog!' she shouts.  'You go get back to your gate.  Now!'[line break]";
				say "The dog pauses in mid-drool.  With a sheepish glance, it drops its chest and half-heartedly play-bows to [if Persephone is handled]Persephone[otherwise]the woman[end if].  She glares.  It whines, and slinks off.[line break]";
				say "[if Persephone is handled]Persephone[otherwise]The woman[end if] reseats herself on the throne and smiles.  'He don't mean no harm,' she explains.  'He just gets rambunctious, is all.'";
				now Cerberus is guarding;
				move Cerberus to the Plaza;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.


Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell: if Madame Sosostris is horny
begin;
	if the the location is not Persephone's Palace and the location is not Little Thebes and the location is not the Bloody Wood
	begin;
		if Madame Sosostris is not in the location
		begin;
			choose a random row in Table of Sosostral Perambulation;
			let d be the best route from the location to the location of Madame Sosostris;
			if d is inside or d is outside
			begin;
				repeat with r running through directions
				begin;
					let dest be the room r from the location;
					if dest is the location of Madame Sosostris
					begin;
						if r is not inside and r is not outside
						begin;
							now d is r;
						end if;
					end if;
				end repeat;
			end if;
			if d is inside or d is outside
			begin;
				say "Madame Sosostris [mode entry] in from [the location of Madame Sosostris], martini clutched in her hand.";	
			otherwise;
				say "Madame Sosostris [mode entry] in from [the d], martini clutched in her hand.";
			end if;
			move Madame Sosostris to the location;
			if the location is the Garden and Cerberus is in the Garden, say "'Hello, puppy!' coos Madame Sosostris delightedly.";
		end if;
	end if;
end if.

[quell stupid disambiguation messages]
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell: if the location of the umbrella is not the Unreal City and the umbrella is not held by Agamemnon
	begin;
		move the scenery_umbrella to the Unreal City;
	otherwise;
		remove the scenery_umbrella from play;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell: if the location is the Bloody Wood and the umbrella is not held by Agamemnon and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
	begin;
		choose a random row in the Table of Agamemnon's Expletives;
		let E be the epithet entry;
		choose a random row in the Table of Agamemnon's Expletives;
		let B be the body part entry;
		 say "'[E]!' exclaims [Agamemnon], as a shower of guano rains down onto his [B][if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds].  A nightingale chirps smugly[end if].";
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell: if no garment is worn by the player
	begin;
		if the location of Madame Sosostris is the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds, say "You catch Madame Sosostris checking out your schlong.  She smiles encouragingly at you.";
		if the location of Persephone is the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
			begin;
				if Persephone is horny
				begin;
					 say "[Persephone] considers your penis and licks her lips.";
				otherwise;
					say "With a speculative look in her eye, [Persephone] considers your penis.";
				end if;
			end if;
		if the location of the Dougs is the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds, say "The old men nudge each other and point at your exposed penis.";
		if the location of Agamemnon is the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds, say "You notice [Agamemnon] shooting a nervous glance at your genitals.";
		if the location of Stetson is the location and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds, say "Stetson growls at you: 'Cover up your pecker, bwah.  T'ain't decent.'";
		if the location of Apeneck Sweeny is the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds, say "Sweeny asks, 'Isn't that kind of drafty?'";
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell:
	If Madame Sosostris is in the Garden
	and Cerberus is in the Garden
	and the player is in the Garden
	begin;
		let C be a random number between 1 and 3;
		if C is 1, say "Madame Sosostris simpers and addresses the dog in baby talk: 'Diddums dig up dat mean ol[apostrophe] Stetson's garden?  Awwww, whadda [italic type]good dog[roman type].  Are you da bestest dog?  I betchoo [italic type]aaaarrre[roman type].' Cerberus slowly oscillates his tail, but makes no other indication that he's heard her.";
		if C is 2, say "Madame Sosostris makes kissy noises at Cerberus, but the dog is too preoccupied with the arm and its own infighting to pay her any attention.";
	end if.

Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell:	
	If Madame Sosostris is in the Circular Ruins 
	and Apeneck Sweeny is in the Circular Ruins 
	and the player is in the Circular Ruins
	and Madame Sosostris is unboinked
	and Apeneck Sweeny is unaroused
	begin;
		now Madame Sosostris is boinked;
		say "Madame Sosostris's eyes light up as they fall on [if Apeneck sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]the red-haired man[end if].  'Oh, [italic type]hello[roman type],' she coos.  She places a hand on [if Apeneck sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]the red-haired man[end if]'s muscular arm.  'Is all of you built to scale?' [paragraph break]";
		say "He considers the question.  'No,' he says finally.  'It's all a little shrivelled, because I'm so parched.  I don't suppose you'd...'  He glances pointedly at her martini. [paragraph break]";
		say "'No,' she snaps, 'Get your own drink.  I may be horny but I'm not [italic type]that[roman type] horny.' [paragraph break]";
		say "He nods.  'I know the feeling.  Sure wish I had a drink.' [paragraph break]";
		say "'I sure wish you had a drink too,' she murmurs.  Both of them turn to glare at you.";
	end if;
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell:	
	If Madame Sosostris is in the Circular Ruins 
	and Apeneck Sweeny is in the Circular Ruins 
	and the player is in the Circular Ruins
	and Apeneck Sweeny is horny	
	begin;
		now Madame Sosostris is boinked;
		now Apeneck Sweeny is boinked;
		say "'Hel-[italic type]lo[roman type] sailor,' says Madame Sosostris, placing a hand on [if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]the red-haired man[end if]'s chest. [paragraph break]";
		say "'What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?' he asks. [paragraph break]";
		say "'Just lucky, I guess,' she replies, taking his hand and dragging him behind a nearby pile of rubble.  Sounds of passion ensue.  After a few minutes, Madame Sosostris emerges from behind the rubble, looking considerably more relaxed.";
		remove Apeneck Sweeny from play;
		move sleeping_Sweeny to the Circular Ruins;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell:
	if the location is Persephone's Palace for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Persephone" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;	
	if the location is the Plaza for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Cerberus" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;	
	if the location is the Muddy Field for the first time
	begin;
		choose a row with a character of "Tantalus" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
	end if;	
	If the remainder after dividing the turn count by 100 is 0
	begin;
		if the daytime_text is "dawn"	
		begin;
			now the daytime_text is "noon";
			if the location of the player is not the Unreal City, now the daytime_citation is "III.208";
		otherwise;
			now the daytime_text is "dawn";
			if the location of the player is not the Unreal City, now the daytime_citation is "I.61";
		end if;
	end if;
	[ * This is because the "look" to see the new description takes a turn, so if we don't lag the citation by a turn, we can end up with the reference appearing wrong to the player ]
	if the remainder after dividing the turn count by 100 is 1
	begin;
		if the daytime_text is "dawn"
		begin;
			now the daytime_citation is "I.61";
		otherwise;
			now the daytime_citation is "III.208";
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell:
	if zombie_Phlebas is in the location and Charon is in the location and Madame Sosostris is not in the location
	begin;
		if a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			say "Pleadingly, [Zombie_Phlebas] clasps his hands towards [Charon], who shakes his bony head: no.";
		otherwise;
			if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
			begin;
				say "Moodily kicking at the sand, [Zombie_Phlebas] takes a swallow of wine, which then pours from holes in his worm-raddled neck and chest.";
			otherwise;
				say "Stealthily, [Zombie_Phlebas] takes a step towards the dory, and [Charon] swats him with the pole.";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell:
	if zombie_Phlebas is in the location and Charon is in the location and Madame Sosostris is in the location
	begin;
		say "Madame Sosostris stares at the walking corpse.  'Oh, Phlebas, you poor thing!' she cries.  Then she wheels on Charon in a fury.  'Can't you see,' she shouts, 'that this man is dead?  Why haven't you given him passage?' [paragraph break]";
		say "Charon shifts uneasily from one foot to the other; he begins to make a gesture rather like a complicated shrug, but Madame Sosostris cuts him off.  'Fine.  Yes, it's my fault.  I accept full blame.  I got [italic type]his[roman type]'[emdash]pointing to you";
		say "[emdash]'and [italic type]his[roman type]'[emdash]indicating Phlebas[emdash]'fortunes mixed up.  Now, take it from me: this man's dead.  Give him a ride.' [paragraph break]";
		say "Charon holds up one bony finger.  'Right!' snaps Madame Sosostris.  'Heaven forbid you should give a freebie to the poor man.'  She produces a small iron coin, which she attempts to place under Phlebas's tongue.  As he hasn't got much lower jaw left, this proves spectacularly unsuccessful, and she eventually simply flings the coin into the bottom of the boat.  'There's his fare.  Now go.  Go!'[paragraph break]";
		say "Phlebas drops his wineskin on the riverbank and steps into the boat, pausing, unnervingly, to pat you on the shoulder in a pitying sort of way.  Charon, shaking his head apologetically, poles off into the mist.";
		now the phlebas_turn_count is the turn count + 4;
		move the wineskin to the location;
		move Charon to the Riverbank;
		move the skiff to the Riverbank;
		really have the parser notice the wineskin;
		remove Zombie_Phlebas from play;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Stiffy Harrows Hell:
	if the phlebas_turn_count is not 0 and the location is the Northern_riverbank and the turn count is greater than the phlebas_turn_count
	begin;
		say "The skiff and its sepulchral ferryman loom out of the mist towards the shore.";
		move Charon to the location;
		move the skiff to the location;
		now the phlebas_turn_count is 0;
	end if.
		
Test to-Eris with "Test to-pirates / ask pal about thessalonica / test piracy / test rowing / test viking / test woad / test intro".
Test to-Vikings with "Test to-pirates / ask pal about thessalonica / test piracy / test rowing".
Test to-Hades with "Test to-Eris / Test Eris".
Test To-Pirates with "Test Intro / Test Rome / Test Ostia / test sb1 / test sb2 /test sb3 / test sbwhale / test africa / test hippo/ test sb4 ".
Test Hades1 with "n/ n/ w/ x old man/ x tiresias/ taste sausage/ e/ show sausage to dog".
Test Hades2 with "s/ w/ get hat/ e/ get umbrella/ e/ give hat/ fuck persephone".
Test Hades3 with "get toga / wear it / w / n / x obelisk/ x runes / e / get bone / w / n / w / give umbrella/ e/ n/ give bone".
Test Hades4 with "enter skiff/ w/ give wine/ get vinegar/ e / n".
Test Hades5 with "n/ pour vinegar on tree/ get olive/ s/ s/ enter skiff/ s/ s/ e/ n/give olive".
Test Hades6 with "s/w/n/n/enter skiff/ get wineskin / n /give wineskin to sweeny".

Test Hades with "Test Hades1 / Test Hades2 / Test Hades3 / Test Hades4 / Test Hades5 / Test Hades6".

Test min-hades with "n / n / w / x old man / taste sausage / e / show sausage to dog / s / w / e /get umbrella / n / e / get bone / w / n / w / give umbrella / e / n / give bone / test hades4 / test hades5 / test hades6 / e".

Book Two - "Geography"

Part One - "The Land Of the Dead"

The underworld_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in the Land of the Dead.  It is in the Unreal City, the Garden, Rats' Alley, the Slough of Despond, Little Thebes, the Riverbank, the Northern_riverbank, the Bloody Wood, the Circular Ruins, the Olive Grove, the Muddy Field, and the Plaza.  The description is "The sky is low, brown, and claustrophobic."  Understand "low", "brown", "sky", "murky", "fog", "foggy", "claustrophobic",  "cloud", and "clouds" as the underworld_sky_scenery.

The Land of the Dead is a room.  The description is "You have entered the Land of the Living Dead. Thousands of lost souls can be heard weeping and moaning. In the corner are stacked the remains of dozens of previous adventurers less fortunate than yourself. A passage exits to the north."  Instead of listening while the location is the Land of the Dead: say "You know, the standard weeping and moaning of lost souls."  Instead of going outside in the Land of the Dead, try going north.

Some remains are scenery in the Land of the Dead.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "You see nothing special about the pile of bodies[16 as a reference]."  Understand "corpse", "corpses", "body", "bodies", "pile", "pile of bodies", "dozens", "souls", "lost", "thousands", and "adventurers" as remains.  Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, buggering or wanking off the remains:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	if  the mummified corpse is warned_about, instead say "You fear another papercut.";
	say "Necrophilia isn't really your thing."

The crystal skull is a thing in the Land of the Dead.  The description is "Lying in one corner of the room is a beautifully carved crystal skull. It appears to be grinning at you rather nastily.".  
Instead of doing anything other than examining with the crystal skull:
	say "Crystal skull?  What do you think this is, [italic type]Zork I[roman type]?  There's no crystal skull here.";
	remove the crystal skull from play.
	
Part Two - "Unreal City"

The Unreal City is north of the Land of the Dead. The description is "Under the brown fog of a winter [daytime_text][17 as a reference].  A graveyard, of sorts, is to the south.  A rather fetching garden lies to the west.  A low, blocky palace, built of obsidian, looms to the east.  A plaza stretches to the north under the towering bulk of an obelisk."

The scenery_garden is scenery in the Unreal City.  The printed name is "garden".  The description is "To the west is a cheery little garden behind a white picket fence."  Understand "cheery", "little", "garden", "picket", "fence", and "white" as the scenery_garden.  Instead of going inside in the Unreal City, try going east.

The scenery_graveyard is scenery in the Unreal City.  The printed name is "graveyard".  The description is "A rather bland potter's field, with the imposing title (above the wrought-iron gate) 'THE LAND OF THE DEAD'."  Understand "bland", "potter's", "field", "graveyard", "grave", "yard", "iron", "wrought", "wrought-iron", "land", "dead", and "land of the dead" as the scenery_graveyard.

The scenery_palace is scenery in the Unreal City.  The printed name is "palace".  The description is "A low obsidian palace broods menacingly to the east."  Understand "low", "blocky", "obsidian", and "palace" as the scenery_palace.

The scenery_plaza is a backdrop in the Unreal City.  It is in Little Thebes and the Slough of Despond.  The printed name is "plaza".  The description is "Dull gray flagstones stretch to the [if the location is the Unreal City]north[end if][if the location is Little Thebes]east[end if][if the location is the Slough of Despond]south, through the gate[end if][if Cerberus is in the plaza], where a monstrous three-headed dog guards the northern gate[end if]."  Understand "plaza", "dull", "gray", "flagstone", "flagstones", and "stone" as the scenery_plaza.

The scenery_dog is a backdrop in the Unreal City.  It is in Little Thebes.  The printed name is "three-headed dog".  The description is "An elephantine three-headed dog guards the northern gate."  Understand "dog", "three-headed", and "Cerberus" as the scenery_dog.

The scenery_obelisk is scenery in the Unreal City.  The description is "A tall bone obelisk jabs accusingly into the low clouds some distance to the north.".  The printed name is "obelisk".  Understand "tall", "bone", and "obelisk" as the scenery_obelisk.

Some Grahams are men in the Unreal City.  They are ambiguously plural.  "Identical men in dark suits and bowler hats scurry to and fro."  The printed name is "identical men in dark suits and bowler hats rushing to and fro".  The description is "Each identical man (for they are all men) wears an identical dark suit and an identical bowler hat, carries an identical black umbrella[50 as a reference], and, incongruously, sports an identical nametag proclaiming, in bright red letters, 'HELLO MY NAME IS GRAHAM.'   I had not thought death had undone so many[18 as a reference]." Understand "men", "people", "dark", "black", "suit", "suits", "man", "person", "identical", "nametag", "red", "graham", "nelson", and "nelsons" as Grahams.  The default reply of the Grahams is "The men pay you no attention."  Instead of attacking the Grahams, say "You raise your hand and they scatter like crows[19 as a reference]."  Instead of fucking the Grahams, say "You see no Nelson's Column here."  Instead of kissing the Grahams, say "You don't know where to begin."  The Grahams are unspeakable.

The scenery_umbrella is scenery in the Unreal City.  The description is "Each identical man (for they are all men) wears an identical dark suit and an identical bowler hat, carries an identical black umbrella, and, incongruously, sports an identical nametag proclaiming, in bright red letters, 'HELLO MY NAME IS GRAHAM.'   I had not thought death had undone so many[18 as a reference]."  The printed name is "umbrella".  Understand "umbrella" as the scenery_umbrella.  Instead of taking the scenery_umbrella, say "Each one seems to belong to a man."

The scenery_bowler_hat is scenery in the Unreal City.  The description is "Each identical man (for they are all men) wears an identical dark suit and an identical bowler hat, carries an identical black umbrella, and, incongruously, sports an identical nametag proclaiming, in bright red letters, 'HELLO MY NAME IS GRAHAM.'   I had not thought death had undone so many[18 as a reference]."  The printed name is "bowler hat".  Understand "hat", "hats", "bowlers", and "bowler" as the scenery_bowler_hat.  Instead of taking the scenery_bowler_hat, say "Each one seems to be worm by a man."

The umbrella is a thing. The umbrella can be openable.  It is openable.  The umbrella can be open or closed.  It is closed.  The printed name is "umbrella [if the umbrella is open](open)[otherwise](closed)".  "A black umbrella lies, forlorn and abandoned, here."   The description is "It is a perfectly ordinary black umbrella[if the umbrella is open], open[end if]."

Before going east from the Unreal City:
	if the umbrella is held by the player
	begin;
		if the umbrella is open
		begin;
			say "(Politely closing the umbrella first)";
			now the umbrella is closed;
		end if;
	end if.
			
Before going east from the Unreal City in the presence of Madame Sosostris, say "Madame Sosostris sniffs.  'I'll just stay here.  I don't want to catch any of that tramp's diseases.'";
	
Part Three - "Stetson's Garden"

Chapter One - "Garden"

The Garden is west of the Unreal City.  The description is "This is a charming little English garden, surrounded by a white picket fence, with a little enamelled cast-iron bench[if the stone snail is in the garden] next to a statue of a snail[end if].  A bed of roses flanks a riot of chrysanthemums.  [if Cerberus is not infighting]A lilac bush blooms from a small raised mound[otherwise]Scattered earth is strewn about the garden[end if].  The Unreal City lies back to the east."  Instead of going outside in the Garden, try going east. Instead of digging in the Garden:
	if Stetson is in the Garden, instead say "Stetson smacks you upside the head before you can dig.  'Don't be diggin[apostrophe] up my garden, bwah!' he shouts.";
	say "Cerberus growls at you.  If there are any more bones in the garden, he seems to imply, they're also his.  You stop."

Some roses are scenery in the garden.  The description is "Several rose bushes in various shades of red and white."  Understand "garden", "flowers", "flower", "rose", "red", "bush", and "bushes" as the roses.  Instead of taking the roses, say "The thorns look sharp, and you have no particular desire to vandalize the garden." 

Instead of smelling the roses: say "The roses smell just like roses.  What did you expect, lilacs?"  Instead of digging the roses, try taking the roses.

 Some mums are scenery in the garden.  The description is "Crysanthemums blossom, a profusion of gold and orange."  Understand "garden", "riot", "mums", "flowers", "mum", "flower", "crysanthemum", "chrysanthemums", "profusion", "chrysanth", "chrysanthema", "gold", "orange", and "yellow" as the mums.  Instead of smelling the mums: say "The chrysanthemums don't really smell like much."  Instead of taking the mums, say "The crysanthemums are fine just where they are."  Instead of digging the mums, try taking the mums.

The stone snail is scenery in the garden.  The description is "It's a statue of a snail, about two feet high, made from some sort of greenish stone."  Understand "snail", "statue", "sculpture", "stone", "green", "speedy", and "greenish" as the stone snail.
Instead of taking the snail: say "Yes, because what every hero needs is a fifty-pound stone snail to carry around.  Did I say yes?  I meant no."
Instead of rubbing the stone snail: say "You stroke the snail.  [if Stetson is in the location]Stetson glares at you suspiciously, but says nothing.  [end if]Nothing much happens."
It is a supporter.  It is enterable.  Before entering the stone snail:
	if Stetson is in the location, instead say "'I dunno about where you're from, bwah,' drawls Stetson, 'But around [italic type]here[roman type] you ask a man afore ploppin[apostrophe] your butt on his snail.  And don't bother.  Answer's no.'".

The cast-iron bench is a supporter in the garden.  It is scenery.  The description is "A functional, but unremarkable, enamelled cast-iron bench.  It is cheery and white."  Understand "little", "small", "white", "iron", "cast-iron", "enamel", and "enamelled" as the cast-iron bench.  It is enterable.

The lilac bush is scenery in the garden.  The description is "The lilacs are in bloom, springing from a small raised mound."  After examining the lilac bush for the first time, say "Stetson fidgets nervously."  Understand "garden" and "lilacs" as the lilac bush.  Instead of taking the lilac bush: say "Leave the lilacs where they are."  Instead of smelling the lilac bush for the first time, say "The lilacs smell just like lilacs.  What did you expect, roses?  Although, oddly, there's a hint of something else.  Stetson coughs."  Instead of smelling the lilac bush for the second time, say "The lilacs smell like lilacs, but there's a definite stench of rotting flesh mixed in with them.  Yuck.  A tuneless humming comes from Stetson's direction."  Instead of smelling the lilac bush for the third time, say "You know, it's really hard to enjoy the scent over all the rotting meat.  Stetson suddenly kicks the leg of the cast-iron bench, with a clanging noise."  Instead of smelling the lilac bush: say "You'd really rather not, at this point."  Instead of digging the lilac bush, try taking the lilac bush.

The mound is scenery in the garden.  The description is "A small raised mound supports the lilac bush."  After examining the mound for the first time, say "Stetson fiddles with the snail statue."  Instead of smelling the mound for the first time, say "Ugh.  You're pretty sure something's buried under there.  A strange choking noise comes from Stetson."  Instead of smelling the mound, say "You really would prefer not."   Understand "grave" as the mound.

The dead arm is scenery.  The description is "This is a moldering corpse's right arm, detached at the bicep."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the arm:
	If Cerberus is in the location
	begin;
		say "The dog seems to have a better claim on it than you do.";
	otherwise;
		say "Ew.";
	end if.  Understand "moldering", "corpse", "bicep", and "corpse's" as the dead arm.
	
The scattered earth is scenery.  The description is "Scattered earth is strewn about the garden."  Understand "mud" and "dirt" as scattered earth.  Instead of digging the scattered earth, say "There's not much point."
	
Chapter Two - "Stetson"

Stetson is a man in the garden.  "Stetson, who was with you in the ships at Mylae[20 as a reference][29 as a footnote], putters about in his garden, resplendent in his white ten-gallon hat."    The description is "Beneath the hat, he is a weedy and nervous-looking fellow, with pale, sallow skin and a twitchy demeanor."  Understand "man", "weedy", "nervous", "pale", "sallow", and "twitchy" as Stetson.  The conversation of Stetson is the Table of Stetson's Chatter.  The default reply of Stetson is "Stetson shrugs."  After examining Stetson: now Stetson is handled.

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Stetson: no.

Instead of showing or giving the bone to Stetson, say "Stetson examines the bone critically.  'Yep, it's real nice.  I don't need it, though.  She's growin[apostrophe] real good on her own now.  Maybe you could start your own garden with the meal from that bone, though.'"

Instead of showing or giving something to Stetson, say "Stetson shrugs."

Instead of sucking, blowing, fucking, touching, rubbing, kissing, eating, or wanking off Stetson, say "He really isn't your type."

The ten-gallon hat is an ornament.  It is worn by Stetson.  The description is "A truly magnificent white ten-gallon hat."  Understand "Stetson's hat", "ten", "gallon", "magnificent", and "cowboy" as the ten-gallon hat.  

Table of Stetson's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"hat"	"'It's a beaut, ain't it?  I bought it in Butte.  But it cost about a buttload.  Ain't it purty, though?  And mine, all miiiiine.'"	"he's very proud of his hat"	a number
"Butte"	"'Cool name, but shithole town.'"	"he doesn't actually like Butte"	--
"lilac/lilacs/bush"	"'Yup.  Planted it last spring.  Ayup.'  He momentarily looks shifty."	"he planted the lilac last spring, but that's not the whole story"	--
"garden/riot/rose/roses/rosebush/crysanthemum/mum/mums/flower/flowers"	"'Nice, ain't they?  Bone meal, that's the secret to get [apostrophe]em to grow like that.'"	"he's proud of his flower garden, and enriches it with bone meal"	--
"bone/meal" or "bone meal"	"'Yep, makes the flowers come up right purty.'"	"he enriches his flower garden with bone meal to enhance its appearance"	--
"mound/grave/corpse"	"Stetson drops his voice to a conspiratorial whisper: 'Keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men, or with his nails he'll dig it up again[21 as a reference]!'"	"there's something buried under the mound, and he's afraid of a dog digging it up"	--
"snail/statue/sculpture/Speedy"	"'Yup.  I call him Speedy.  Been a good pal over the years.  Got me outta some tight spots.  Yes siree.'"	"he calls the snail statue 'Speedy' and is very fond of it"	--
"Mylae/ship/ships"	"'Yup.  I remember it well, buddy.  That sure was something, wasn't it?'"	"he remembers Mylae vividly"	--
"punic/war/wars" or "Punic War" or "Punic Wars"	"The usually-taciturn Stetson launches into an incredibly long and impassioned monologue on naval warfare, with a great deal of tactical explanation sketched in the garden dirt, and punctuated with colorful expletives.  When he's done, you really wish you hadn't asked."	"he loves to talk at great length about the wars"	--
"Persephone/Dolly/Parton" or "Dolly Parton"	"'That little filly sure has her eyes on my hat.'"	"he thinks Persephone wants his hat"	--
"Tiresias/blind/hermaphrodite/morphodite"	"'Creepy old morphodite, ain't he?'"	"he thinks Tiresias is creepy"	--
"Doug/Dougs"	"'Yuck-o, podner.'"	"he finds the wrinkled Dougs revolting"	--
"Cerberus/dog"	"'That damn monster dog scares the shit outta me.'"	"he's scared of Cerberus"	--
"Graham/Grahams"	"'Harmless.'"	"he doesn't think much of the Grahams"	--
"Sosostris/Madame/Auntie/Mame/Sybil/Fawlty" or "Madame Sosostris" or "Auntie Mame" or "Sybil Fawlty"	"'Crazy old bat.  Crazy as a coot.'"	"he thinks Madame Sosostris is insane"	--
"hypocrite/lecteur/mon/sembable/frere/frère" or "hypocrite lecteur" or "mon sembable" or "mon frere" or "mon frère"	"Stetson draws himself up to his full height (about five foot six) and haughtily announces, 'Look, pal.  You ain't my double, you ain't my brother, and you ain't gonna speak Frog in my goddamn garden.'"	"he really doesn't care to have French spoken here"	--
"city/Unreal" or "Unreal City"	"'Gets sort of boring after a while.  Damn dog ain't gonna let you leave.  Not much to do except garden.'"	"he's tired of the city"	--
"palace"		"'Never been inside.  Might lose my hat to that little filly.'"	"he hasn't been into the palace, fearing for his hat"	--
"Syra"	"'Ayup.  WIld little filly with a helluva honker!'"	"he remembers Syra and her nose well"	--


Part Four - "Persephone's Palace"

Chapter One - "Persephone's Palace"

Persephone's Palace is east of the Unreal City.  The printed name is "Palace".  The description is "A huge dark room stretches hundreds of yards in all directions, brooding columns supporting the low roof.  The chief features are the two iron thrones in the center of the room.  [if Persephone is in the location]A short woman in a strange white silk garment sits on the smaller throne[otherwise]Both thrones are empty[end if].  The dim light of the Unreal City filters in from the west."  Unreal City is outside from Persephone's Palace.

Some candles are scenery in Persephone's Palace.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Black candles in chandeliers dimly light the room."  Understand "black candle", "black candles", "candle", "chandelier", "chandelier", "smoke", "flame", "prolonged", "candle-flames", and "flames" as candles.  Instead of taking the candles, say "Although the ceiling is low, the chandeliers are still out of reach."

The scenery_ceiling is scenery in Persephone's Palace.  The printed name is "ceiling".  The description is "[bracket]T[close bracket]he prolonged candle-flames,[line break]Flung their smoke into the laquearia,[line break]Stirring the pattern on the coffered ceiling[44 as a reference].".  Instead of taking the scenery_ceiling, say "It is out of reach."  Understand "roof", "ceiling", "coffered", "pattern", and "laquearia" as the scenery_ceiling.  Instead of looking up in Persephone's Palace, try examining the scenery_ceiling.

Some squat columns are scenery in Persephone's Palace.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "The columns are squat and dark, supporting a low black roof."  Understand "column",  "squat", and "dark" as columns.

Some thrones are supporters in Persephone's Palace.  They are scenery.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "The thrones are black iron, all sharp edges and angles."  Understand "black", "iron", "throne", "edge", "edges", "angle", and "angles" as the thrones.  Instead of entering the thrones, say "You gingerly sit on a throne, and, finding it even less comfortable than it looks, hurriedly stand back up."

Chapter Two - "Persephone"

Persephone is a woman in Persephone's Palace.  "A short, yet amazingly buxom, blonde woman in a white silk garment lounges on the smaller iron throne."  The printed name of Persephone is "[if Persephone is handled]Persephone[otherwise]the short woman[end if]".  The conversation of Persephone is the Table of Persephone's Chatter.  The default reply of Persephone is "Persephone looks at you quizzically.  'Dunno,' she says."  The description of Persephone is "She's a short blonde woman, but that's not the first thing you notice about her.  The first, last, and pretty near the only thing you notice is how amazingly large her breasts are.  Even if she were a tall woman, they'd be huge.  As it is, on her they're absolutely [italic type]enormous[roman type].  She wears a white silk pantsuit with gold piping on it[if Persephone is not handled]. She must be Persephone, Pluto's bride[end if]."  Understand "woman", "buxom", "Dolly" and "Parton" as Persephone.  After examining Persephone: now Persephone is handled.  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Persephone: no.  Persephone has a horniness.  Persephone is unaroused.  Understand "my" and "reward" as Persephone when Persephone is horny.  [ "claim my reward" ]

Instead of showing the Golden Banana to Persephone, say "She smiles.  'I heard Eris was lookin' for a hero to bring it to her.'"
Instead of showing the hat to Persephone, say "'Oooh!  Gimme, gimme, gimme!' she shouts excitedly."
Instead of showing the umbrella to Persephone, say "She shrugs uninterestedly.";

Instead of giving the Golden Banana to Persephone, say "She strokes the curve of the banana with one delicate finger, but then shakes her head sadly.  'I stay out of Eris's business, and she stays out of mine.'".
Instead of giving the umbrella to Persephone, say "'That's not the head covering I covet, Stiffy.'"
Instead of giving the hat to Persephone:
		now the hat is worn by Persephone;
		now Persephone is horny;
		if Persephone is not handled
		begin;
			say "The woman coughs delicately.  'Maybe we oughta be on a first name basis, Stiffy.  I'm Persephone.  Pleased as punch ta meetcha.'[paragraph break]";
			now Persephone is handled;
		end if;
		now the description of Persephone is "Persephone is wearing a hat, a smile, and a mostly-unbuttoned silk pantsuit that reveals truly amazing cleavage.";
		say "Persephone smiles widely, unbuttons another couple buttons on her blouse, and purrs, 'Thank you.  You can claim your reward any time, Stiffy.'";
		
The pantsuit is worn by Persephone.  Understand "white", "silk", "garment", "gold", "piping", and "nudie" as the pantsuit.  The description is "The white silk pantsuit, decorated with gold piping, seems mostly designed to draw attention to the wearer's cleavage."

Some Persephone's breasts are part of Persephone.  They are ambiguously plural. The indefinite article is "the pair of".  The description is "[if Persephone is handled]Persephone's[otherwise]The woman's[end if] breasts are simply astonishing."  Understand "pair of", "tits", "chest", "hooters", "astonishing", "amazing", "huge", "enormous", "giant", "gigantic", "breast", "cleavage", "tit", and "hooter" as Persephone's breasts.  Check taking the breasts: instead try touching the breasts.  Instead of kissing the breasts, try sucking the breasts.

Some fingernails are part of Persephone.  The description is "Persephone's nails are long and painted bright red."  Understand "nail", "nails", "bright", and "red" as fingernails.  Instead of touching, smelling, rubbing, kissing, blowing, sucking, or fucking the fingernails, try taking the fingernails.

Instead of smelling Persephone:
	say "She smells of an intoxicating, musky perfume."

Before kissing, rubbing, touching, sucking, buggering, or fucking Persephone:
	if Persephone is unaroused, instead say "Persephone considers her fingernails minutely.  'No,' she says.  'I'd reconsider if'n you did a little something for me.  F'r instance, cover my head with something real nice, and I'll cover [italic type]your[roman type] head with something real nice.'";
	
Before smelling, rubbing, touching, sucking, or fucking the breasts:
	if Persephone is unaroused, instead try fucking persephone.
	
Instead of kissing Persephone for the first time:
	say "Persephone osculates you back with fervor."
	
Instead of kissing Persephone:
	say "You make out with Persephone for a while, and one thing leads to another.";
	try fucking Persephone.
	
Instead of buggering Persephone:
	say "Persephone grimaces.  'My [apostrophe]roids are actin[apostrophe] up,' she explains.  'How [apostrophe]bout the front door, instead?'  You acquiesce.";
	try fucking Persephone.
	
Instead of rubbing or wanking off Persephone:
	say "Persephone moans as you massage her clitoris.  One thing leads to another.";
	try fucking Persephone.
	
Instead of touching Persephone:
	say "Persephone moans as you massage her clitoris.  One thing leads to another.";
	try fucking Persephone.
	
Instead of sucking or blowing or eating Persephone:
	say "Persephone writhes, wriggles, and gasps as you give her head.  One thing leads to another.";
	try fucking Persephone.

Instead of rubbing the breasts:
	say "Persephone, as it happens, has very sensitive nipples.  She moans and writhes under your touch.  Unable to resist, you give her breasts a firm squeeze.  'HONK HONK!'[27 as a reference] she shrieks in ecstasy, which baffles you a bit.";
	
Instead of touching the breasts:
	say "Persephone, as it happens, has very sensitive nipples.  She moans and writhes under your touch.  Unable to resist, you give her breasts a firm squeeze.  'HONK HONK!' she shrieks in ecstasy[27 as a reference], which baffles you a bit.";
	
Instead of sucking the breasts:
	say "Persephone moans as you suck her nipples.  One thing leads to another.";
	try fucking Persephone.
	
Instead of fucking Persephone:
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		repeat with item running through the garments worn by the player begin;
			say "Persephone hungrily strips off [the item] and lets it fall to the floor.[paragraph break]";
			move the item to the location;
		end repeat;
		now the stiffycock is held by the player;
	end if;
	say "You bend Persephone over the arm of the throne and begin thrusting away.  After a bit, though, you realize that you're unlikely to encounter tits of either this quality or this quantity again any time soon, and timidly ask her if she'd...[paragraph break]";
	say "'Of course you can, Stiffy!' she exclaims.  'Hell, everyone does; if I had a dick I'd want to too!'[paragraph break]";
	try fucking the breasts.
	
Instead of fucking the breasts:
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "You're not undressed for the occasion.";
	otherwise;
		say "Persephone sucks your cock to get it good and slimy.  Then she kneels in front of the throne, and you slide your dick between her luscious hooters.  She moans, 'Pwoik, pwoik, pwoik,'[28 as a reference] softly as you grind away.  With a groan, you ejaculate all over her breasts and neck.[paragraph break]";
		record "Persephone" as achieved;
		say "Persephone dabs a delicate finger into the semen coating her chest, neck and chin.  She smiles.  'That was mighty nice, Stiffy.  I gotta go shower now.  See ya later, but...' she winks at you '...not [italic type]too[roman type] soon, I hope.'";
		remove Persephone from play;
	end if.	
	
Instead of smelling the breasts:
	say "Persephone clearly has anointed her cleavage with her perfume."

Before asking Persephone about something:
	if the topic understood matches "pussy/kitty/kittycat/kitten", replace the topic understood with "cat";
	if the topic understood matches "sausage" begin;
		if the real_sausage is not handled, replace the topic understood with "nope";
		if the real_sausage is not warned_about begin;
			if the real_sausage is visible
			begin;
				now the real_sausage is warned_about;
			otherwise;
				replace the topic understood with "nope";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the topic understood matches "cat" begin;
		if the real_pussy is not handled, replace the topic understood with "nope";
		if the real_pussy is not warned_about begin;
			if the real_pussy is visible
			begin;
				now the real_pussy is warned_about;
			otherwise;
				replace the topic understood with "nope";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.

Table of Persephone's Chatter
topic			reply		summary		turn stamp
"woman/goddess/Persephone/Dolly/Parton/herself" or "Dolly Parton"	"'Ain't it something?  A little girl like me from Pigeon Forge, an[apostrophe] now I'm the Queen of the Dead!'"	"she feels she's come quite a way in life.  Er, unlife"	a number
"Cerberus/dog/Vinnie/Ursa/Golem"	"'Aw, he ain't so bad.  Likes food and chasing cats, like any dog.  Vinnie's the left head.  She's kind of a suckup.  Golem's the middle head.  Now, I know he seems scary, but really, he's very sweet.  Watch out for all that slobber, though.  And Ursa's the right head.  Smarter[apostrophe]n hell, but kind of psychotic.'"	"she thinks Cerberus is a sweetie"	--
"Cerebus"	"'That's an aardvark.  Am I ever gonna have fun with Dave Sim when he gets here.  I think you mean [italic type]Cerberus[roman type], hon.'"	"she's not much of a Dave Sim fan (who can blame her?)"	-- 
"hat/Stetson's"		"'Stetson's hat sure is fine.  I'd do almost [italic type]anything[roman type] for someone who got it for me.'"	"she covets Stetson's hat"		--
"Tiresias/hermaphrodite/morphodite/blind"		"'Aw.  Poor ol' Tiresias.'"	"she pities Tiresias"	--
"Stetson"		"'Stetson's got a nice garden, but he's kind of a jerk.  And that hat's way too good for him.'"		"she doesn't like Stetson, but does like his hat"	--
"umbrella/umbrellas"	"'Can't say as I ever gave the umbrellas a lot of thought.'"	"umbrellas are not an exciting topic for her"	--
"Graham/Grahams"	"'Poor lost souls.'"	"she pities the Grahams"	--
"Doug/Dougs"	"'Yuck!'"	"she finds the wrinkled Dougs revolting"	--
"banana" or "golden banana" or "Golden Banana of Discord"	"'It's pretty, all right.  You'd best get it to Eris as soon as you can.'"	"she thinks the Golden Banana is pretty, and should be delivered to Eris promptly"	--
"breast/breasts/tit/tits/hooter/hooters"	"'Ain't they something?'"	"she's (justifiably) proud of her breasts"	--
"Pluto/husband"	"'He's always travelling on business.  A girl gets lonely, ya know?'"	"Pluto's travelling a lot and she feels neglected"	--
"Hades/Hell/Underworld/City/Unreal" or "Unreal City"	"'What the hell, it's home[26 as a reference].'"	"she is ambivalent about her residence"	--
"Charon/ferryman/skeleton"	"'Charon?  Poor guy has arthritis something fierce.'"	"Charon suffers from arthritis"	--
"Sosostris/Madame/Auntie/Mame/Sybil/Fawlty" or "Madame Sosostris" or "Auntie Mame" or "Sybil Fawlty"	"'She's a mean drunk old lady and I don't know why she hates me so much.'"	"she doesn't know why Madame Sosostris dislikes her"	--
"Sweeny/Apeneck/redhead" or "red-haired man" or "Apeneck Sweeny"	"'He's a hard worker.'"	"the red-haired man works hard"	--
"Agamemnon"	"'Pretty harsh, what happened to him.'"	"she thinks Agamemnon was treated harshly"	--
"Tantalus"	"She rolls her eyes.  'Pardon my French, but what an asshole!'"	"she intensely dislikes Tantalus"	--
"Gate of Horn" or "Hornéd Gate" or "Horned Gate" or "Horn Gate" or "horn"	"'True dreams leave Hades through the hornéd gate.  Sweeny ain't gonna let you by, though" 	"the Gate of Horn is how true dreams get out into the world; Sweeny guards it"	--
"Gate of Ivory" or "Ivory Gate" or "ivory"	"'That gate's how false dreams get into the world; not a good idea to go there.'"	"false dreams go through the Gate of Ivory, and you shouldn't go through it"	--
"throne/thrones" or "iron throne" or "iron thrones"	"She shakes her head ruefully.  'They look nice, but they give you [italic type]terrible[roman type] [apostrophe]roids.'"	"the iron throne has given her hemorrhoids"	--
"Eris/Discordia/Jove/Jupiter/Virilis/Zeus" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"'I don't get up to Olympus much.'"	"she's not very tuned into the other gods' gossip"	--
"Syra"	"'Oh, even [italic type]I've[roman type] heard of her and her nose.  I will enjoy meeting her.'"	"Syra's reputation precedes her"	--
"sausage"	"'Smells pretty pungent.'"	"she thinks the sausage smells pungent"	--
"cat"		"'Awwww!'"	"she thinks the kitten is cute"	--


Part Five - "Plaza"

Chapter One - "Plaza"

The Plaza is north of the Unreal City.  The description is "An empty plaza of gray tile stretches in all directions, descending slightly into a western slum; seedy apartments crowd the plaza to the east.  An open gate lies to the north[if Cerberus is in the location], guarded by a terrifying, enormous, three-headed dog[end if].  A milk-white obelisk stretches skyward.  The city stretches off to the south."  Instead of going down in the Plaza, try going west.

Instead of going north from the Plaza in the presence of Cerberus: say "Cerberus lunges towards you menacingly, and you hastily retreat."

The obelisk is scenery in the Plaza.  The description is "A milk-white obelisk, covered in arcane and impenetrable runes, stretches into the low brown sky."  Understand "milk", "milk-white", and "white" as the obelisk. Instead of fucking the obelisk, try fucking the runes.

The runes are scenery in the Plaza.  The description is "[if Unicode compliance is 1][Runic-impenetrable]: impenetrable[otherwise]Impenetrable[end if]."  Understand "arcane" and "impenetrable" as the runes.  Before fucking the runes: if the stiffycock is held by the player, instead say "The runes are impenetrable."

The scenery_city is scenery in the Plaza.  The description is "Dark-suited men bustle to and fro throughout the city to the south."  Understand "city" as scenery_city.  The printed name is "Unreal City".

The scenery_gate is a backdrop in the Plaza.  It is in the Slough of Despond.  The printed name is "gate".  The description is "The gate is a stone arch about fifteen yards high and thirty wide; huge iron doors, swung wide, open to the outside.  [if the location is the Plaza]Beyond it stretches a flat, dull-green moor[otherwise]The plaza is visible through it[end if]."  Understand "gate", "stone", "iron", "door", "doors", "northern", and "arch" as the scenery_gate.  The scenery_gate can be openable.  It is openable.  Instead of opening or closing the scenery_gate:
	if Cerberus is in the Plaza, instead say "The dog will not let you near.";
	say "The doors are far, far too heavy for you to open or shut."

The scenery_moor is scenery in the Plaza.  The description is "The moor stretches beyond the gate, dull-green and monotonous[if the cacodemon is in the Slough of Despond].  Something bright red and globular bobs in the air perhaps a hundred yards from the gate[end if]."  Understand "moor", "flat", "dull", "green", "dull-green" and "monotoous" as the scenery_moor.  The printed name is "moor".

The scenery_cacodemon is scenery in the Plaza.  The printed name is "red globe".  The description is "Whatever it is, it's globular, bright red, and about six feet across."  Understand "globular", "globe", "bright", "red", and "sphere" as the scenery_cacodemon.

The scenery_wall is a backdrop in the Plaza.  It is in the Slough of Despond.  The description is "The city wall is made of gray stone and is about sixty feet high."  Understand "wall", "gray", "grey", "stone", and "city" as the scenery_wall.  The printed name is "wall".

Before going west from the Plaza in the presence of Madame Sosostris, say "Madame Sosostris says, 'You go play with Tiresias and the Dougs.  I'll wait here for you.'";

Chapter Two - "Cerberus"

Cerberus is a male animal in the plaza.  Cerberus has a cerberus_state.  Cerberus is guarding.  "A terrifying three-headed dog, the size of an elephant, guards the northern gate."  The description is "Cerberus is exactly as terrifying a monster as the poets always told you.  It is a huge black dog, about the size of an elephant.  It has a white chest, and white feet bordered with brown, a white tip on its tail, and, yes, three heads.  Each head has a white blaze down the center, brown cheeks, and brown eyebrows.  The dog's ears[emdash]all six of them[emdash]are black and floppy.  The central head is the largest, perhaps two yards across with fearsome fangs and gallons of drool.  The left head is a little smaller, and wears a sly expression.  It seems to have a scar on its crown.  The right head is the smallest[emdash]perhaps only four feet across[emdash]and watches you closely, its eyebrows jumping.".  After examining Cerberus: now Cerberus is handled.  

Understand "dog", "three-headed", "giant", "elephant", "elephantine", "huge", "terrifying", "enormous", "black", "white", "brown", and "bitch" as Cerberus.  The conversation of Cerberus is the Table of Cerberus's Chatter.  The default reply of Cerberus is "The left head barks suspiciously.  The middle head begins a terrifying barooing.  The right head counters with a terrible ululating that makes your ears hurt." [* http://vinnie.fsf.net and http://golem.fsf.net and http://ursa.fsf.net ]

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Cerberus: no.

Vinnie is a female animal.  Vinnie is part of Cerberus.  The printed name of Vinnie is "the left head".  The description of Vinnie is "[if Cerberus is guarding]The left head is intermediate in size between the other two.  It has a small scar on the top of its head, splitting its white blaze.  It is growling and glaring at the right head, with only the occasional grumble in your direction.[end if][if Cerberus is intrigued]The left head is intermediate in size between the other two.  It has a small scar on the top of its head, splitting its white blaze.  It is growling and glaring at the right head, with only the occasional grumble in your direction.[end if][if Cerberus is infighting]The left head is far too busy menacing the right head to even spare you a glance.[end if]" . Understand "scar", "left" and "head" as Vinnie.  The default reply of Vinnie is "The left head responds with a series of almost-porcine grunts from deep in the throat."  Instead of buggering Vinnie, try fucking Cerberus.  Instead of showing something to Vinnie, try showing the noun to Cerberus.  Instead of giving something to Vinnie, try giving the noun to Cerberus.  

Golem is a male animal.  Golem is part of Cerberus.  The printed name of Golem is "the central head".  The description of Golem is "[if Cerberus is guarding]The central head is the largest.  It must be fully six feet from ear to ear.  It is watching you suspiciously, with lots of white showing around its eyes.  Every so often it erupts in horrifically loud barking.  When it snarls, its teeth are the size of daggers.[end if][if Cerberus is intrigued]The huge central head is watching you intently, gallons of drool descending from its flews in huge, slimy ropes.[end if][if Cerberus is infighting]The middle head is too busy trying not to get bitten to pay much attention to you.[end if]" .  Understand "central", "center", "centre", "middle", and "head" as Golem.  The default reply of Golem is "The center head groans and grumbles, embarking on a long and gradually-more-impassioned soliloquoy, terminating in a series of thunderous barks.  You briefly regret not being able to speak Monster Dog, as you clearly just received a very important lecture."  Instead of showing something to Golem, try showing the noun to Cerberus.  Instead of giving something to Golem, try giving the noun to Cerberus.  Instead of fucking Golem, try fucking Cerberus.  

Ursa is a female animal.  Ursa is part of Cerberus.  The printed name of Ursa is "the right head".  The description of Ursa is "[if Cerberus is guarding]The right head is the smallest, a mere four feet or so across.  It's got bright, intent eyes and astonishingly white, clean, and deadly teeth.[end if][if Cerberus is intrigued]The right head is watching you closely, with bright, intelligent eyes.[end if][if Cerberus is infighting]The right head is too busy trying to murder the right one to consider you as even a momentary annoyance.[end if]".  Understand "right" and "head" as Ursa.  The default reply of Ursa is "The right head responds with a horrible shrieking howl that makes your ears hurt."  Instead of buggering Ursa, try fucking Cerberus.  Instead of showing something to Ursa, try showing the noun to Cerberus.  Instead of giving something to Ursa, try giving the noun to Cerberus.  

The drool is a thing.  Drool is held by Cerberus.  The indefinite article of drool is "the".  The description of drool is "[if Cerberus is intrigued]Giant ropes of slimy drool, as thick as your thigh, descend from the jaws of the central head almost to the ground.[otherwise]The middle head is the drooliest, but none can be said to be without saliva.[end if]".  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the drool, say "Ick.  No, thanks."  Understand "saliva", "slime", "slimy", "rope", and "ropes" as drool.

The tail is part of Cerberus.  The description is "The dog's tail must be fifteen feet long.  It's black, with white hair at the tip."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the tail, say "The prospect of imminent and certain death dissuades you."

The flews are things.  The flews are part of Cerberus.  The description is "Those are just about the biggest flews[8 as a footnote] you've ever seen."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the flews, say "You really would rather not get that close to A) that much drool B) that many teeth."

Instead of rubbing or touching Cerberus:
	say "This is one dog you think perhaps you'd rather not pet."
Instead of rubbing or touching Vinnie, try rubbing Cerberus.  Instead of rubbing or touching Golem, try rubbing Cerberus.  Instead of rubbing or touching Ursa, try rubbing Cerberus.
	
Instead of attacking or kicking Cerberus:
	say "That was, in retrospect, a bad idea.";
	end the story saying "You have been devoured".
Instead of attacking or kicking Vinnie, try attacking Cerberus.  Instead of attacking or kicking Golem, try attacking Cerberus.  Instead of attacking or kicking Ursa, try attacking Cerberus.
	
Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, eating, tasting, or wanking off Cerberus:
	say "You have [italic type]got[roman type] to be kidding."
Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, eating, tasting, or wanking off Ursa, try fucking Cerberus.  Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, eating, tasting, or wanking off Golem, try fucking Cerberus.  Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, eating, tasting, or wanking off Vinnie, try fucking Cerberus.
	
Instead of kissing Cerberus:
	say "Siezed by a strange impulse, you shout 'Kisses!' and lean in to give the middle head a big old smooch.  It gaily licks you right back, and you suffocate under gallons of drool.";
	end the story saying "You have been drowned in monster dog saliva".
Instead of kissing Golem, try kissing Cerberus.  
Instead of kissing Vinnie:
	say "Siezed by a strange impulse, you shout 'Kisses!' and lean in to give the left head a big old smooch.  It believes this to be a game of 'Got Your Nose,' and, as might be expected, this ends with the dog having gotten not only your nose, but the rest of your head.";
	end the story saying "You have been decapitated".
Instead of kissing Ursa:
	say "Siezed by a strange impulse, you shout 'Kisses!' and lean in to give the right head a big old smooch.  It barks excitedly, and then bites your face off.";
	end the story saying "You have had your face bitten off".

Instead of smelling Cerberus:
	say "Cerberus smells of dog.  [italic type]Lots[roman type] of dog."
Instead of smelling Vinnie, try smelling Cerberus.  Instead of smelling Golem, try smelling Cerberus.  Instead of smelling Ursa, try smelling Cerberus.

Instead of giving something to Cerberus:
	if the noun is the bone, instead say "The dog sniffs the bone curiously but without much actual interest.  Apparently it's simply too dry and dessicated.";
	if the noun is not the real_pussy and the noun is not the real_sausage, instead say "The dog sniffs [the noun] but does not appear interested.";
	say "The dog lunges for the proffered [noun].  It takes you with it.";
	end the story saying "You have been devoured".
	
Instead of giving [ S - something ] to Ursa, try giving [S] to Cerberus.
Instead of giving [ S - something ] to Golem, try giving [S] to Cerberus.
Instead of giving [ S - something ] to Vinnie, try giving [S] to Cerberus.
	
Instead of showing something to Cerberus:
	if the noun is the bone, instead say "The dog sniffs the bone curiously but without much actual interest.  Apparently it's simply too dry and dessicated.";
	if the noun is not the real_pussy and the noun is not the real_sausage, instead say "The dog sniffs [the noun] but does not appear interested.";
	now Cerberus is intrigued;
	remove the scenery_dog from play;
	now Cerberus is handled;
	now the Cerberus_taunt_thing is the noun;
	say "All three of the dog's heads snap to attention, staring fixedly at [the noun].  Gallons of drool begin to fountain from the middle head's flews."

Instead of showing [ S - something ] to Ursa, try showing [S] to Cerberus.
Instead of showing [ S - something ] to Golem, try showing [S] to Cerberus.
Instead of showing [ S - something ] to Vinnie, try showing [S] to Cerberus.

Table of Cerberus's Chatter
topic	reply		summary	turn stamp
"Vinnie"	"The left head gives you a sharp look and considers you with a sidelong glance."	"the left head is named Vinnie"	--
"Golem"	"The middle head gives a huge baroo, as if to agree, 'Yes, that's my name.'"	"the middle head is named Golem"	--
"Ursa"	"The right head begins shrieking and ululating and play-bowing at you for a moment."	"the right head is named Ursa"	--
"Syra"	"The giant tail thumps enthusiastically."	"the dog seems to like Syra"

Table of Fighting Cerberus Descriptions
fighting_description
"The right head mounts a vicious attack on both the center and left ones, and briefly manages to grab the arm.  Then the arm falls from its jaws as the head essays another stanza of frenetic barking.  The expression on the left head can only be called a smirk."
"The center head takes advantage of the hatred of the right and left heads for each other to try to take the arm.  It gets its nose bitten by the [if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds]left[otherwise]right[end if] head and whines piteously."
"The left head feints and briefly manages to get the right head to attack the center head, which was in the way.  It attempts to use this time to grab the arm, but the right head is wise to the trick, and blocks the left one, snapping."
"The right head triumphantly grabs the arm, only to release it as the left head bites its cheek and the center head cowers."
"All three of the heads glare at one another, growling deep in their throats."


Part Six - "Little Thebes"

Chapter One - "Little Thebes"

Little Thebes is west of the Plaza.  Instead of going up in Little Thebes, try going east.  The description is "This must be the Theban section of town.  It's pretty run-down; the city wall towers above you.  The plaza rises to the east[if Cerberus is in the Plaza],where the city gate is guarded by an enormous three-headed dog[end if]."

The thebes_scenery_wall is scenery in Little Thebes.  The description is "Gray stone stretches perhaps eighty feet into the air."  The printed name is "wall".  Understand "wall", "gray", "grey", "stone", and "city" as the thebes_scenery_wall.

Chapter Two - "Tiresias"

Tiresias is a man in Little Thebes.  "A naked old blind man sits against the wall."  Instead of examining Tiresias for the first time:
	say "A naked old blind man sits below the wall.  At least you think it's a man; he (?) seems to have withered female breasts, but also a stubbly white beard.  On closer inspection, yes, he does seem to possess both a sausage and a pussy.  This seems familiar....ah.  Of course.  It must be Tiresias.";
	now Tiresias is handled.
The description of Tiresias is "Tiresias is an old, old man.  Actually a hermaphrodite[if the pussy is held by Tiresias and the sausage is held by Tiresias], as he has both a pussy and a sausage[end if]."  Understand "old", "naked", "blind", "woman", "hermaphrodite", "teirisias", "morphodite", and "man" as TIresias.  The conversation of Tiresias is the Table of Tiresias's Chatter.  The default reply of Tiresias is "'Eh?  What?  Speak up, sonny!'"

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Tiresias: no.

Table of Tiresias's Chatter
topic	reply	summary		turn stamp
"TIresias/himself/hermaphrodite/morphodite/blind/him"	"'I, Tiresias, have foresuffered all[line break]Enacted on this same divan or bed[line break]I, who have sat by Thebes below the wall[line break]And walked among the lowest of the dead[22 as a reference].'"	"his life as a hermaphrodite has inured him to most experiences"	a number
"Doug/Dougs/dug/dugs/wrinkled"	"'I, Tiresias, old man with wrinkled dugs[line break]Perceived the scene, and foretold the rest[23 as a reference].'"	"the Dougs have something to do with his prophecy."
"pussy"	"'You want my pussy, just take it.'"	"he has invited you to take his pussy"	--
"sausage"	"'You want my sausage, just take it.'"	"he has invited you to take his sausage"	--
"Cerberus/Ursa/Vinnie/Golem/dog"	"'Like any dog, he likes pussy and sausage.'"	"the dog likes pussy and sausage"	--
"Cerebus/Dave/Sim" or "Dave Sim"	"Dave Sim is in for quite a shock when he arrives"	"he thinks Dave Sim is going to have quite a time in Hades."	--
"Thebes/Little" or "Little Thebes"	"'Thebes always kinda sucked.'"	"he doesn't like Thebes a lot"	--
"Syra"	"'Heh.  Hope she comes to see me when she gets here.'"	"he awaits Syra's arrival with eagerness"	--

Tiresias's pussy is a vagina held by Tiresias.  The description is "It's an old woman's pussy.  Need I say more?"  Instead of tasting, eating, or smelling Tiresias's pussy, try smelling Tiresias.  Instead of fucking Tiresias's pussy, try taking Tiresias's pussy.

Tiresias's anus is an anus.  It is part of Tiresias.  The description is "It's an old man's anus.  Need I say more?"  Instead of touching, tasting, eating, or smelling Tiresias's anus, say "Ugh."  Instead of fucking or buggering Tiresias's anus, try buggering Tiresias.  Instead of inserting the stiffycock into Tiresias's anus, try buggering Tiresias.  Instead of inserting something into Tiresias's anus, say "Tiresias yelps and hops away.  Apparently he doesn't want [the noun] shoved up his ass."

The sausage is a thing held by Tiresias.  The description is "It's an
old man's sausage.  Need I say more?"  Check smelling the sausage: instead try smelling Tiresias.

Some wrinkled dugs are part of Tiresias.  The description is "They're an old woman's wrinkled dugs.  Need I say more?"  Understand "chest", "breasts", "breast", "dug", and "floppy" as the wrinkled dugs.  Instead of touching, tasting, eating, or smelling the dugs, say "Ugh."

The real_pussy is a female animal.  The description is "She's an adorable little orange kitten."  The printed name is "pussy".  Understand "pussy", "orange", "little", "adorable", "kitten", "cat", and "kitty" as the real_pussy.  The default reply of the real_pussy is "'Meow.'"  Instead of rubbing the real_pussy, instead say "The kitten mews plaintively and arches her back adorably."  Instead of sucking the real_pussy, say "Kinky, but no."  Instead of touching the real_pussy, try rubbing the real_pussy.  Instead of fucking the real_pussy:
	if the stiffycock is held by the player, instead say "Kinky, but no."
	

Check dropping the real_pussy: 
	if Cerberus is in the location, instead say "Not when that big mean dog will just gobble her up.";
	if Cerberus is intrigued, instead say "Not with that dog on the prowl.";
	instead say "After what you had to do to get it?  Not likely."
	

Check taking the real_pussy:
	if the real_pussy is enclosed by the player
	begin;
		instead say "You are already carrying the kitten.";
	otherwise;
		instead say "You scoop up the cute little kitten.  She mews plaintively.";
	end if.
		
The real_sausage is a thing.  The printed name is "sausage".  The description is "It's a juicy sausage, about six inches long, dripping grease, and smelling of hot peppers and garlic."  Understand "sausage", "juicy", "grease", "greasy", "pepper", "peppers", and "garlic" as the real_sausage.  Instead of eating the real_sausage, say "A premonition that this sausage will be important to your progress prevents you from eating it."  Instead of smelling the real_sausage, say "It smells of hot peppers[25 as a reference].  Also, garlic.  Yum!"  Instead of sucking the real_sausage, say "The hot grease tastes tantalizingly of garlic and peppers."

Check dropping the real_sausage: 
	if Cerberus is in the location, instead say "If you do that, the dog will just eat it, and then where will you be?";
	if Cerberus is intrigued, instead say "Not with that dog on the prowl.";
	instead say "After what you had to endure to get it?  No."

Check fucking Tiresias: instead try taking Tiresias's pussy.  Check sucking the sausage: instead try sucking Tiresias.  Check touching the sausage: instead try rubbing the sausage.  Check rubbing the sausage:instead try wanking off Tiresias.  Check blowing the sausage: instead  try sucking Tiresias.  Check tasting the sausage: instead try sucking Tiresias.  Check buggering Tiresias: instead say "It really seems like it'd be a better idea to take advantage of his, er, [italic type]unusual[roman type] characteristics.  Besides: nasty."

Instead of kissing or smelling Tiresias, say "Yuck."
	
Taking Tiresias's pussy is being tricked.  Taking the sausage is being tricked.  

Instead of being tricked:
	if Tiresias is warned_about, instead say "You're not falling for that one again.";
	if the stiffycock is not held by the player, instead say "You aren't undressed for the occasion.";
	now Tiresias is warned_about;
	remove the noun from play;
	if the noun is the pussy
	begin;
		say "Grimacing, you remind yourself that worse things happen at sea, yank yourself to full hardness, and ram it in.  Tiresias whoops in delight.  After a few minutes, you, closing your eyes and thinking of lissome Greek pirates rather than disgusting old men, have your orgasm and withdraw.[line break]";
		say "Tiresias smiles, exposing his two remaining teeth, and says 'That was very nice, young[apostrophe]un.  But hell, I[apostrophe]d[apostrophe]a just given you the kitty cat anyway.  I'm allergic and they make me sneeze.'  He hands you an adorable little kitten.";
		move the real_pussy to the player;
		really have the parser notice the real_pussy;
	otherwise;
		say "Grimacing, you spit on your fingers and lube up your rectum.  A little manipulation brings Tiresias to a surprisingly large and robust erection.  You guide it into your anus, and he begins humping away enthusiastically.  After what seems like hours, he grunts, ejaculates into your colon, and withdraws.  He wipes his dick with his hands and then wipes his hands in your hair.[line break]";
		say "Tiresias mops his brow and grins, showing his two remaining teeth.  'Damn, young feller, that was mighty fine.  But hell, I[apostrophe]d[apostrophe]a given you the sausage anyway.  Garlic makes me gassy.'  He hands you a greasy sausage.";
		move the real_sausage to the player;
		really have the parser notice the real_sausage;
	end if;
	record "Tiresias" as achieved.
	
Instead of sucking or blowing Tiresias:
	if Tiresias is warned_about, instead say "You're not falling for that one again.";
	now Tiresias is warned_about;
	say "Grimacing, you drop to your knees.  A few tugs brings Tiresias to a surprisingly large and robust erection.  He whoops enthusiastically.  Suppressing your gag reflex manfully, you bob up and down on his cock.  After what seems like hours, he squirts thick gobs of sour-tasting semen into your mouth and withdraws.  He wipes his dick with his hands, and then wipes his hands with your hair.[paragraph break]";
	say "Tiresias grins, exposing both his remaining teeth.  'That was mighty fine, young feller.  But hell, I[apostrophe]d[apostrophe]a given you the sausage anyway.  Garlic makes me gassy.'  He hands you a greasy sausage.";
	move the real_sausage to the player;
	really have the parser notice the real_sausage;
	record "Tiresias" as achieved.
	
Instead of touching, rubbing or wanking off Tiresias:
	say "Tiresias slaps your hand away.  'Hands off my majosha[33 as a reference]!' he snaps.  'I can do that m'self any time.  Put a little effort into it, or just don't bother.'"
	
Chapter Three - "Wrinkled Dougs"

The wrinkled Dougs are men in Little Thebes.  "Two identical, wrinkled old men stand here, despondently."  The description is "A pair of identical wrinkled old men, each with a nametag reading 'Doug.'"  The indefinite article of the Dougs is "the".  The default reply of the wrinkled Dougs is "'Ask Tiresias, if you want to know anything.  We are the wrinkled Dougs[24 as a reference].  Our only function is to serve eternally as lame puns in the Underworld.  Alas!' ". Understand "identical", "men", "Doug", "old", "despondent", and "wrinkled man" as the wrinkled Dougs.  After examining the wrinkled Dougs: now the wrinkled Dougs are handled.  [* I swear, that just fell out of the source code. ]

Instead of smelling the wrinkled Dougs, say "Old urine and despair."  Instead of kissing, buggering, rubbing, touching, sucking, fucking, blowing, wanking off, or eating the wrinkled Dougs, say "Ugh."  The wrinkled Dougs are unspeakable.  [* Indeed ]

Part Seven - "Rats' Alley"

Rats' Alley is an alley.  It is east of the Plaza.  "Rats[apostrophe] Alley, where the dead men lost their bones[29 as a reference].  A tenement rises to the north."  Instead of going inside in Rats' Alley, try going north.

The bone is a thing in Rats' Alley.  "One such bone lies on the ground nearby."  The description is "A dry bone, possibly a femur."  Understand "femur", "dry", and "dessicated" as the bone.

Instead of attacking someone with the bone, say "Dry bones can harm no one[34 as a reference]."  Instead of tasting or sucking the bone, say "Dusty, basically flavorless."

Some rats are scenery in Rats' Alley.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Well, you can't actually see the rats, but you know they're there."  Understand "rat" as rats.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the rats, try examining the rats.

Before going north from Rats' Alley:
	if the umbrella is held by the player
	begin;
		if the umbrella is open
		begin;
			say "(Politely closing the umbrella first)";
			now the umbrella is closed;
		end if;
	end if.


Part Eight - "Apartment"

Chapter One - "Apartment"

The Apartment is north of Rats' Alley.  "This is a seedy apartment situated to the north of a squalid alley."  

The red leather couch is a supporter in the Apartment.  The description of the red leather couch is "A red leather couch, overstuffed with horsehair."  Understand "stuffed", "overstuffed", "dilapidated", and "horsehair" as the red leather couch.  The red leather couch can be enterable.  It is enterable.

Check taking the red leather couch:
	instead say "It's not exactly portable."
	
Check looking under the red leather couch:
	instead say "Let's make a deal here: I promise you there's nothing under or behind it, and you promise me not to look any harder."
	
Check searching the red leather couch:
	instead try looking under the red leather couch.

Rule for writing a paragraph about the red leather couch:
	if Madame Sosostris is on the red leather couch
	begin;
		say "Madame Sosostris sits on a dilapidated red leather couch, gazing glumly at a stemmed conical glass full of clear liquid in her hand.";
		now Madame Sosostris is mentioned;
	otherwise;
		say "A dilapidated red leather couch squats on the floor.";
		now the red leather couch is mentioned;
	end if. 

Check entering the couch:
	if Madame Sosostris is horny, instead say "Not even Madame Sosostris wants to sit there anymore.";
	instead say "Madame Sosostris does not look inclined to share."

Rats' Alley is outside from the Apartment.

Chapter Two "Madame S"

Instead of giving or showing something that is not the olive to Madame Sosostris, instead say "Madame Sosostris couldn't care less, and indicates such with a roll of her eyes."

Instead of giving or showing the pickled olive to Madame Sosostris:
	say "Madame Sosostris gratefully accepts the olive and puts it in her martini.  She takes a careful sip and sighs contentedly.  'Very well.  Let's go,' she announces, as she climbs shakily to her feet.  'Lead the way.'";
	move Madame Sosostris to the Apartment;
	now the pickled olive is held by Madame Sosostris;
	now Madame Sosostris is horny.

The martini is held by Madame Sosostris.  The description is "Crystal clear gin and a splash of vermouth.  Conical stemmed glass[if Madame Sosostris is horny].  One olive[otherwise].   Strangely, no olive[end if]."  Understand "gin", "drink", "vermouth", "glass", "stemmed", "cocktail", "conical", "cone", "crystal", and "dry" as the martini.  Instead of smelling the martini, say "It has the crisp, clean bite of gin."  Instead of tasting, drinking, or sucking the martini, say "Madame Sosostris snarls, 'Mine!' at you, and you sheepishly retreat."  The martini can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  Check taking the martini: try drinking the martini.

Instead of asking Madame Sosostris about "olive" when Madame Sosostris is horny, say "Madame Sosostris winks at you and waggles her martini glass."
Instead of asking Madame Sosostris about "Gin/martini/vermouth/cocktail" when Madame Sosostris is horny, say "Madame Sosostris winks at you and waggles her martini glass."

Table of Sosostral Perambulation
mode
"staggers"
"wobbles"
"lurches"
"weaves"
"totters"
"teeters"
"reels"

Table of Madame's Chatter (continued)
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"herself/Madame/Sosostris/Auntie/Mame/Sybil/Fawlty/death" or "Sybil Fawlty" or "Sybil Sosostris" or "Madame Sosostris" or "Auntie Mame"	"'I died.  It was embarrassing.  Let's not talk about it.'"	"she doesn't want to talk about her death"	a number
"Underworld/Hades/Hell"	"'What a dump!'"	"she thinks the Underworld is a dump"	--
"Dolly/Persephone/Parton" or "Dolly Parton"	"'Disgusting pneumatic little tramp.  Probably crawling with all sorts of diseases.'"	"she's quite contemptuous of  Persephone"	--
"Cerberus/Vinnie/Ursa/Golem/dog"	"'What a darling puppy!'"	"she's enamored of Cerberus"	--
"sailor/drowned/Phoenician/card/cards/Tarot/pack/wicked" or "wicked pack" or "wicked pack of cards" or "wicked tarot pack" or "drowned sailor" or "drowned Phoenician" or "drowned Phoenician sailor"	"'Um, about that...' she begins.  'Er, I think I gave you the wrong card.  You got the Drowned Phoenician Sailor, and [italic type]fear death by water[roman type], yeah?'  You nod.  'Well, see, the thing is...your card actually should have been Priapus.  I bet Phlebas, who should have had the Sailor card, is pretty pissed.'"	"she gave you the wrong fortune; your card should have been Priapus"	--
"fortune/priapus/me/Mentula/Macanus/Stiffy/Makane/future" or "my fortune" or "Stiffy Makane" or "Mentula Macanus"	"She grimaces.  'Your card is Priapus, not the Sailor.  You will have many lovers, and eventually ascend to godhood.  You will become...well, sort of a fertility god.  Kind of.'  She looks a little shifty."	"you are destined to become a sex god of some sort"	--
"Phlebas"		"'Let's not talk about him.  I bet he was surprised to drown, after what I told him.'"	"she got your fortune mixed up with that of Phlebas"	--
"pumpkin"	"Madame Sosostris fakes a coughing fit and pretends not to hear you."	"she doesn't want to talk about the word 'pumpkin'"	--
"Tiresias/hermaphrodite/morphodite/hermaphrodite/blind"		"'Never trust a hermaphrodite.'"	"she says you shouldn't trust Tiresias"	--
"Doug/Dougs"	"'Ugh.'"		"she finds the Dougs revolting"	--
"Graham/Grahams"		"She just rolls her eyes."	"the Grahams provoke only eye-rolling"	--
"Stetson"		"'Ew.  Nasty, nasty man.'"	"she really dislikes Stetson"	--
"olive"		"'Yeah, I'd follow someone who gave me an olive pretty much anywhere.'"	"she'll follow someone who provides her with an olive to the end of the earth, and beyond"	--
"Gin/martini/vermouth/cocktail/drink"	"'Auntie needs her medicine.  [if Madame Sosostris is horny]Thanks for the olive[otherwise]Sure wish I had an olive for it, though[end if].'"	"she requires her martini, but thinks an olive"	--
"Sweeny/Apeneck/redhead" or "red-haired man" or "Apeneck Sweeny"	"'Ooooh, isn't he gorgeous?'"	"she has the hots for the red-haired man"	--
"Charon/ferryman/skeleton"	"'Spooky, no?  Poor guy has bad lumbago.'"	"the ferryman suffers from lumbago"	--
"Agamemnon"	"'What a jackass.  Sacrificing his daughter for a favorable wind.  Feh.'"	"she thinks Agamemnon was wrong to sacrifice Iphigeneia"	--
"Tantalus"		"She just rolls her eyes."	"she is not a fan of Tantalus"	--
"Gate of Horn" or "Hornéd Gate" or "Horned Gate" or "Horn Gate" or "horn"	"'True dreams leave Hades through the hornéd gate.'" 	"the Gate of Horn is how true dreams get out into the world"	--
"Gate of Ivory" or "Ivory Gate" or "ivory"	"'That gate's how false dreams get into the world.'"	"false dreams go through the Gate of Ivory"	--
"Syra"	"A shiver of delight passes through Madame Sosostris.  'Yes, after we figured out where to put the nose...ahhh.'"	"she had an unforgettable encounter with Syra"	--


Part Nine - "Slough"

The Slough of Despond is north of the Plaza.  The description is "The Slough of Despond stretches before you.  The wall of the Unreal City forms a barrier to the south, pierced by a single gate.  Far to the north you can see the edge of a dark river, and, dimly visible, a figure leaning on a pole by a dory.  West, the land rises slightly to a brambly forest.  To the east, a rocky slope rises." 

The scenery_charon is a backdrop in the Slough of Despond.  The printed name is "skeletal ferryman".  It is in the Circular Ruins. The description is "In the far distance, a skeletal figure leans on a pole next to a skiff beached on the edge of a dark river."  Understand "figure", "riverbank", "bank", "river", "dark", "skeleton", "skeletal", "pole", "skiff", "dory", "boat", "edge", "beach", "Charon", "man", and "Styx" as the scenery_charon.

Some scenery_brambles are scenery in the Slough of Despond.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "A densely undergrown wood."  The printed name is "brambles".  Understand "undergrowth", "brambles", "wood", "woods", "forest", "brambly", "undergrown", "dense", and "densely" as the scenery_brambles.

The scenery_slope is scenery in the Slough of Despond.  The printed name is "slope".  The description is "A steep talus slope rises to the east into the murky sky."  Understand "slope", "talus", "rocky", "steep", "stony", "stone", and "hill" as the scenery_slope.

Instead of going up in the Slough of Despond, try going east. 

Instead of going east in the Slough of Despond, say "You can only make it a little way up the rocky slope before sliding back down."

Instead of going inside in the Slough of Despond, try going south.  The Slough of Despond is outside from the Plaza.  Instead of going outside from the Plaza, try going north.

Before going west from the Slough of Despond when no garment is worn by the player, instead say "You would be cut to ribbons by the brambles.  Best put on some clothing first.";

Before going west from the Slough of Despond in the presence of Madame Sosostris, say "Madame Sosostris eyes the woods doubtfully.  'Awfully brambly,' she says.  'Why don't you go ahead?  I'll wait here.'";

The cacodemon is a thing in the Slough of Despond.  "A cacodemon[emdash]about six feet across, globular, red, horned, spits blue fire[emdash]floats a small distance away.  Its back is to you, so you can't see the horrible single eye or terrible fanged mouth.  It does not seem to have noticed you...yet."  Understand "demon", "daemon", and "cacodaemon" as cacodemon.  Instead of doing anything with the cacodemon:
	say "Oops.  My mistake.  The cacodemon lives in the Slough of Despair[31 as a reference], not the Slough of Despond.  Two totally different places.  Cacodemon?  What cacodemon?";
	remove the cacodemon from play.
	
Part Ten - "Bloody Wood"

Chapter One - "Bloody Wood"

The Bloody Wood is west of the Slough of Despond.  The description is "The forest is thick and, horrifyingly, bloody: blood drips from broken branches; it oozes from cracks in the tree bark; it wells from the ground.  Nightingales perch on the gory branches, singing happily.  A faint trail leads back to the east."

Before going east from the Bloody Wood when no garment is worn by the player, instead say "You would be cut to ribbons by the brambles.  Best put on some clothing first.";

The scenery_blood is scenery in the Bloody Wood.  The printed name is "blood".  Understand "blood", "branches", "gore", and "gory" as scenery_blood.  The description is "Thick, clotting, oozing blood permeates everything here."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_blood, say "That's a repulsive idea.  No."

Some nightingales are scenery in the Bloody Wood.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "nightingale", "bird", "songbird", "songbirds", and "birds" as the nightingales.  The description is "Nightingales sing prettily throughout the wood."

The guano is scenery in the Bloody Wood.  Understand "liquid", "siftings", "crap", "birdshit",  and "shit" as guano.  The description is "Bird guano spots nearly everything here."

The convent_scenery is scenery in the Bloody Wood.  The printed name is "Convent of the Sacred Heart".  Understand "Convent", "Sacred", "of", and "Heart" as the convent_scenery.  The description is "Well, it must be around here somewhere, but you sure can't see it."

The fine Falernian wine is a thing.  The description is "This is a bottle of fine Falernian wine."  The printed name is "bottle of fine Falernian wine".  Instead of drinking the fine Falernian wine, say "Oddly, you've never cared for Falernian wine.  Perhaps someone else would appreciate it more."  Understand "bottle" or "bottle of wine" or "bottle of Falernian wine" or "bottle of fine wine" or "bottle of fine Falernian wine" as the fine Falernian wine.  Instead of opening the fine Falernian wine, say "It's easily corked and uncorked, so don't worry about it."  Instead of smelling the fine Falernian wine, say "You open the bottle and take a deep snort: grapes and flowers.  You re-cork the bottle."  Instead of rolling the fine Falernian wine, say "That would probably disturb the lees in the bottom.  Best not."

Chapter Two - "Agamemnon"

Agamemnon is a man in the Bloody Wood.  "An older man in a burial shroud stands here.  [if the umbrella is held by Agamemnon]He twirls an umbrella cheerily over his head, deftly deflecting a rain of nightingale guano, and whistling happily if tunelessly[otherwise]He moodily glares at his feet, shrieking each time a gobbet of nightingale crap impacts on him, which is quite often indeed[end if]."  The conversation of Agamemnon is the Table of Agamemnon's Chatter.  The default reply of Agamemnon is "'I'm sorry, I couldn't quite catch that.  I think it's all the nightingale guano in my ears.'"  The printed name is "the man in the burial shroud".  The description is "[Agamemnon] stands here[if the umbrella is held by Agamemnon], whistling happily under his umbrella[otherwise] moodily attempting, not very sucessfully, to dodge the occasional barrages of nightingale guano[end if]."  Understand "man", "ear", "ears", "old", "older", "burial", and "shroud" as Agamemnon.  

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Agamemnon, say "You have absolutely no desire to get down and dirty with a birdshit-covered old man in a burial shroud.  Especially not after Tiresias."

Instead of examining Agamemnon the first time: 
	say "Oh.  This must be Agamemnon:[paragraph break]
	[italic type]The nightingales are singing near[line break]
	The Convent of the Sacred Heart.[paragraph break]
	And sang within the bloody wood[line break]
	When Agamemnon cried aloud,[line break]
	And let their liquid siftings fall[line break]
	To stain the stiff dishonoured shroud[roman type][32 as a reference].[line break]";
	now Agamemnon is handled;
	move the convent_scenery to the Bloody Wood;
	now the printed name of Agamemnon is "Agamemnon".
	
Instead of showing something to Agamemnon:
	if the noun is not the umbrella
	begin;
		say "Agamemnon shrugs.";
	otherwise;
		 say "Agamemnon's face lights up when he sees the umbrella.  'Please, please, please let me have it,' he implores you.";
	end if.
	
Instead of giving something to Agamemnon:
	if the noun is not the umbrella
	begin;
		say "Agamemnon waves [the noun] away.";
	otherwise;
		now the umbrella is held by Agamemnon;
		say "Agamemnon gratefully accepts the umbrella.  He [if the umbrella is closed]snaps it open and [end if]brandishes it over his head.  'Take that, you damned nightingales!' he yells.[paragraph break]";
		now the umbrella is open;
		say "Agamemnon reaches into his shroud and pulls out a bottle of fine Falernian wine.  'It's the least I can do,' he explains, as he hands it to you.";
		now the fine Falernian wine is held by the player;
		really have the parser notice the fine Falernian wine;
	end if.

Table of Agamemnon's Expletives
epithet		body part
"Yuck"		"head"
"Ick"		"right shoulder"
"Augh"		"left shoulder"
"Ugh"		"left foot"
"Blast"		"right foot"
"Gross"		"back"
"Ewww"		"chest"

Table of Agamemnon's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Agamemnon/himself/man/old/older/him" or "old man" or "older man"	"'You sacrifice [italic type]one[roman type] daughter for a favorable wind, and you get shit on by birds for all eternity.  Is that justice?  Is that proper[43 as a reference]?'"	"he feels put-upon by his punishment"	--
"Iphigeneia/daughter/sacrifice/wind/favorable" or "favorable wind"	"'Hey, it worked, didn't it?  Who won the war?'"	"he's not remorseful about sacrificing his daughter"	--
"nightingale/nightingales/bird/birds/guano/shit/crap/birdshit/liquid/siftings" or "liquid siftings"	"He sighs in exasperation.  'Fuckin[apostrophe] birds.'"	"he's not a fan of the nightingales"	--
"war/Trojan" or "Trojan war"	"'Yeah, well, we won, but what a mess.'"	"he's ambivalent about the Trojan war"	--
"Achilles/wrath" or "wrath of Achilles"	"[Agamemnon] rolls his eyes and makes the universal gesture for masturbation.  'What a wanker.'"	"he thinks Achilles was a wanker"	--
"Clytemnestra/wife"	"'I still can't belive that bitch fucking [italic type]killed[roman type] me,' he grumbles."	"being killed by his wife still rankles"	--
"Helen" or "Helen of Troy"	"'Hot, yes.  Hot enough to justify [italic type]that[roman type]?  Hell no.'"	"Helen was not hot enough to justify the Trojan War"	--
"Menelaus"	"'Family's family.  Even when they're being fucking dumbasses.'"	"he had to come to Menelaus's aid, but he's bitter about it"	--
"blood/wood/bloody" or "bloody wood"	"'Nasty, isn't it?'"	"he thinks the Bloody Wood is pretty nasty"	--
"convent/sacred/heart" or "sacred heart" or "convent of sacred heart" or "convent of the sacred heart"	"'Yeah,' he gestures vaguely, 'I hear it's around here somewhere.'"	"he doesn't seem to really know much about the convent"	--
"Syra"	"'After my time, but I've heard stories.'"		"although Syra was after his time, he's heard of her"	--

Part Eleven - "Southern Riverbank"

Chapter One - "Riverbank"

The Riverbank is a room.  It is north of the Slough of Despond.  The description is "A muddy riverbank vanishes beneath the black, oily river to the north.  A bog stretches to the south."
The scenery_styx is scenery in the Riverbank.  It is a backdrop.  It is in the northern_riverbank.  The description is "The black, oily water of the Styx flows unctuously and moodily past."  The printed name is "Styx".  Understand "river", "Styx", "water", "oil", "oily", "moodily", and "unctuously" as the scenery_styx.   The scenery_styx can be enterable.  It is enterable.

Instead of entering the scenery_styx, say "You've heard some pretty dire stories about what happens if you fall into the Styx."  Instead of swimming around in the scenery_styx, try entering the scenery_styx.

Instead of drinking the scenery_styx, say "You're pretty sure that would be a very bad idea indeed."   Instead of inserting something into the scenery_styx, try throwing the noun at the scenery_styx. Instead of throwing something at the scenery_styx:
	if the scenery_styx is not warned_about
	begin;
		now the scenery_styx is warned_about;
		say "Anything you toss into the Styx will be gone forever, you know.";
	otherwise;
		remove the noun from play;
		say "[The noun] vanishes beneath the oily water with a forlorn 'bloop' and is lost forever.";
		really have the parser notice the scenery_styx;
	end if.
	
The scenery_sand is scenery in the Riverbank.  It is a backdrop.  It is in the northern_riverbank.  The description is "Dark, muddy sand forms the riverbank."  The printed name is "sand".  Understand "dark", "muddy", and "sand" as the scenery_sand.
The scenery_bog is scenery in the Riverbank.  The description is "A featureless moor stretches to the south."  The printed name is "moor".   Understand "bog", "moor", "swamp", and "slough" as the scenery_bog.
Instead of swimming in the Riverbank, try entering the scenery_styx.
Instead of going north in the RIverbank, try entering the scenery_styx.

Chapter Two - "Charon"

Charon is a man in the riverbank.  "A skeletal ferryman in a tattered black robe leans against a long pole here."  The description is "Charon, the skeletal ferryman, stands here, leaning [if Charon is broken]heavily [end if]against his pole[if Charon is broken], favoring his right leg[end if].  His skull is fixed in a [if Charon is broken]fearsome grimace[otherwise]cheerful grin[end if]."  Brokenness is a kind of value.  The brokennesses are broken and fixed.  Charon has a brokenness.  Charon is broken.  After examining Charon for the first time: now Charon is handled.  Understand "man", "boatman", "skeletal", "skeleton", and "ferryman" as Charon.
Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Charon: no.
The pole is a thing.  It is held by Charon.  The description is "This is a long pole, used by Charon to pole his skiff across the Styx[if Charon is broken].  Charon is leaning heavily on it[end if]."  Understand "long" as the pole.
The grimace is a thing.  It is part of Charon.  The description is "Charon grimaces fiercely.  The overall effect is pretty frightening."  Understand "tooth" and "teeth" as the grimace.
The grin is a thing.  The description is "Charon is grinning toothily.  It's cute, but also kind of creepy."  Understand "tooth" and "teeth" as the grin.
The charon_skull is a thing.  It is part of Charon.  The description is "Perfectly ordinary skull, at least for one that's atop an animated skeleton.  It has perfectly ordinary glowing coals for eyes, too."  Understand "skull" as charon_skull.
The scary_eyes are things.  They are part of Charon.  The printed name is "glowing coals".  The description is "The boatman's eyes glow a deep red."  Understand "coals", "glowing", "red", "eye", "eyes", "fire", "fires", "socket", "sockets", and "fiery" as the scary_eyes.
The charon_robe is a garment.  It is worn by Charon.  The description is "Charon wears a tattered black burial shroud."  Understand "tattered", "black", "burial", "shroud", and "robe" as the charon_robe.
The charon_leg is a thing.  It is part of Charon.  The description is "[if Charon is broken]Charon seems to be favoring his right leg.  It must really hurt him[otherwise]Charon's legs are hidden by the robes, and you see nothing special about them[end if]."  Understand "legs", "leg" and "right" as the charon_leg.
The default reply of Charon is "[if Charon is broken]Charon shakes his head grimly[otherwise]Charon indicates his total lack of lungs, and clatters his teeth together for emphasis[end if]. ".  Charon is unspeakable.

Instead of showing something that is not the bone to Charon, say "Charon regards you steadily and uninterestedly with the glowing red fires deep in his eye sockets.  He quietly and slowly shakes his skull from side to side."

Instead of giving something that is not the bone to Charon, try showing the noun to Charon.

Instead of showing the bone to Charon, say "Charon nods excitedly.  He makes a motion as of receiving the bone, and then pantomimes poling his skiff."

Instead of giving the bone to Charon:
	now Charon is fixed;
	say "Charon slides to the ground, his back to the gondola.  He reaches under his robe, and with a horrible crackling sound, emerges with his lower leg and right foot, which he carefully sets on the sand next to him.  His teeth grind against each other as he yanks out a yellowed, thoroughly cracked femur, which he glances at and then tosses into the Styx, where it vanishes with a forlorn 'bloop.'  He takes the bone you've given him, and you hear a snap as it fits into place.  He reattaches his lower leg, and hops to his feet in an almost sprightly manner, briskly dusting off his robe and his phalanges.  He cheerily tosses his pole from hand to hand, demonstrating that he doesn't need it to lean on anymore.[paragraph break]";
	say "He sketches a bow and indicates to you[if the location of Madame Sosostris is the Riverbank] and Madame Sosostris[end if] that you are welcome to board.";
	remove the grimace from play;
	now the grin is part of Charon;
	really have the parser notice Charon;
	remove the bone from play.

Instead of attacking or kicking Charon, say "You are, somehow, certain that that would not be a wise course of action."

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Charon, say "Although that's a breathtakingly ambitious thought, you're much too terrified of Charon to try it."


Chapter Three - "Skiff"

The skiff is a thing in the Riverbank.  It is fixed in place.  "An ebony gondola rests on the sand here."  The skiff can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description is "Charon's skiff is a gondola, about fifteen feet long, and large enough to hold a number of damned souls."  Understand "ebony", "gondola", "boat", and "dory" as the skiff.  After examining the skiff for the first time: now the skiff is handled.    Check taking the skiff: instead say "It's much too big to take, even if the ferryman allowed you to."

Instead of entering the skiff:
	if Charon is broken
	begin;
		say "Charon winces as he shifts his grip on the pole from his right hand to his left and turns to shake a bony index finger admonishingly in your face.  This done, he sullenly resumes his former position.";
	otherwise;
		if the location is the riverbank
		begin;
			say "You [if the location of Madame Sosostris is the location]and Madame Sosostris [end if]step into the boat.  Charon shoves it away from the shore and steps onto the stern.  He poles and the black water slips silently and swiftly by.  In a short time, you disembark on the northern bank of the river.";
			move the skiff to the Northern_riverbank;
			move charon to the Northern_riverbank;
			if the location of Madame Sosostris is the location, move Madame Sosostris to the Northern_riverbank;
			move the player to the Northern_riverbank;
		otherwise;
			say "You [if the location of Madame Sosostris is the location]and Madame Sosostris [end if]step into the boat.  Charon shoves it  away from the shore and steps onto the stern.  He poles and the black water slips silently and swiftly by.  In a short time, you disembark on the southern bank of the river.";
			move the skiff to the riverbank;
			move charon to the riverbank;
			if the location of Madame Sosostris is the location, move Madame Sosostris to the riverbank;
			move the player to the riverbank;
		end if;
	end if.

Part Twelve - "Northern Riverbank"

Chapter One - "Northern Riverbank"

The Northern_riverbank is a room.  The printed name is "Riverbank".  The description is "A muddy riverbank vanishes beneath the black, oily river to the south.  A crumbling circular ruin rises from a small hill to the north.  To the west there is a dismal swamp, where it appears to be raining."  Instead of swimming in the Northern_riverbank, try entering the scenery_styx.  Instead of going south in the Northern_rIverbank, try entering the scenery_styx.

Some scenery_ruins are a backdrop in the Northern_riverbank. They are in the Olive Grove.  The printed name is "ruins".  It is ambiguously plural.  The description is "Circular ruins crumble in the distance."  Understand "circular", "ruin", "ruins", and "crumbling" as the scenery_ruins.

The scenery_swamp is scenery in the Northern_riverbank.  The printed name is "swamp".  The description is "Rain falls on a dismal, muddy bog to the west."  Understand "swamp", "bog", "mud", "muddy", and "dismal" as the scenery_swamp.

Chapter Two - "Phlebas, late of Carthage"

Zombie_Phlebas is a man in the Northern_riverbank.  The printed name is "[if Zombie_Phlebas is not handled]the shambling undead monstrosity[otherwise]Phlebas the Phoenician".    The description of zombie_Phlebas is "Phlebas the Phoenician, a fortnight dead[57 as a reference].  He is dressed in tatters; his eye sockets gape, a pearl sparkling within each one; he clutches a moldy wineskin to the ruin of his chest.  Worms crawl horribly among his bones."  Understand "Phlebas", "Phoenician", "sailor", "undead", "drowned", "zombie", "shambling", "undead", "monster", "monstrosity", "corpse", "pitiful", "neck", "chest", "worm-raddled", "bones", "man", "rotting", "rotten", and "Carthaginian" as zombie_Phlebas.  Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of zombie_Phlebas: no.  He is unspeakable.  The default reply of zombie_Phlebas is "The corpse regards you with sorrowful sockets and the glint of pearl."

Some pearls are part of zombie_Phlebas.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "socket", "sockets", "pearl", "pearls", "eye", and "eyes" as the pearls.  The description is "Those are pearls that were his eyes[59 as a reference][60 as a reference]."  Check taking the pearls: instead say "Robbing the dead is pretty low.  Robbing them while they're still shambling around?  Unbelievable.  No."

Some phlebas_worms are part of zombie_Phlebas.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "worm", "writhe", "writhing", "pink", "purple", "hideous", "worm", "worms", and "horrible" as phlebas_worms.  The description is "Writhing, hideous pink and purple worms slither horribly through what remains of Phlebas's body."

The wineskin is held by zombie_Phlebas.  The description is "It's moldering but nearly full wineskin."  Understand "moldering", "moldy", "nasty", "rotgut", "mildewed", and "wine" as the wineskin.  The wineskin can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  
	
Before drinking the wineskin for the first time, instead say "Ugh.  One swallow is enough to convince you you don't want any more.  It's not turned to vinegar, or gotten mildewed, or anything: it's just nasty rotgut wine.";
	
Before drinking the wineskin, instead say "You'd really rather not."

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off zombie_Phlebas:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	if  the mummified corpse is warned_about, instead say "If you learned anything during your sojourn on Earth, it was that fooling around with the dead can give you unpleasant papercuts.";
	say "Necrophilia isn't really your thing."

Instead of smelling or tasting zombie_Phlebas, say "Merely considering the thought makes you gag."

Before doing anything with zombie_Phlebas:
	if zombie_Phlebas is not handled
	begin;
		say "With mounting horror, you realize that you know this man: Phlebas, the Phoenician sailor whom you met outside Madame Sosostris's tent in Carthage.  Once as handsome and tall as you[58 as a reference], he is now reduced to a pitiful, shambling, undead corpse.";
		now zombie_Phlebas is handled;
	end if.

Part Thirteen - "The Circular Ruins"

Chapter One - "The Circular Ruins"

The Circular Ruins is north of the Northern_riverbank.  The description is "You stand within the center of a circle of collapsing arches.  A gate of ivory towers to your west, and a gate of horn to your east.  To the south you can see the bank of the Styx, and to the north the land rises to an olive grove that's seen better days."  Instead of going up in the Circular Ruins, try going north.

The scenery_grove is scenery in the Circular Ruins.  The description is "Twisted, bare olive trees rise from a small hill."  The printed name is "olive grove".  Understand "tree", "trees", "olive", "olives", "twisted", and "bare" as the scenery_grove.

The Gate of Ivory is scenery in the Circular Ruins.  The Gate of Ivory can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the Gate of Ivory, try going west.  The description is "The Gate of Ivory is made from a pair of enormous elephant tusks, resting on their bases, their tips barely crossing some nine feet above the ground."  Instead of searching the Gate of Ivory, say "Through the gate you can see a wooded landscape."  Understand "elephant", "tusk", "tusks", "arch" and "archway" as the Gate of Ivory.

The Gate of Horn is scenery in the Circular Ruins.  The Gate of Horn can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the Gate of Horn, try going east.  Understand "elk", "antler", "antlers", "arch", "archway","hornéd", and "horned" as the Gate of Horn.  "The Gate of Horn is constructed of hundreds of elk antlers, assembled into an arch about nine feet high."  Instead of searching the Gate of Horn:
	if Apeneck Sweeny is unboinked
	begin;
		say "You find it difficult to see around the man lounging in front of the archway.";
	otherwise;
		say "You can see bucolic green fields through the arch.";
	end if.
	
Instead of going west in the Circular Ruins for the first time:
	if Apeneck Sweeny is unboinked
	begin;
		say "'Ever read any Borges?' inquires [if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]the red-haired man[end if].  'Look at the room name.  Now, what's the epigraph of that story?  What's it about?  I'm just sayin[apostrophe][11 as a footnote].'";
	otherwise;
		if the location of Madame Sosostris is the location
		begin;
			say "Madame Sosostris clears her throat.  'I don't think that's a very good idea, dear.'";
		otherwise;
			say "You hesitate as an uneasy chill passes through your body.";
		end if;
	end if.
	
Before going west from the Circular Ruins for the second time:
	if Apeneck Sweeny is unboinked
	begin;
		say "'It's your funeral,' mutters [if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]the red-haired man[end if][if the location of Madame Sosostris is the location].  Madame Sosostris shakes her head dolefully[end if].";
	otherwise;
		if the location of Madame Sosostris is the location, say "'Well, it certainly was nice knowing you, dear,' says Madame Sosostris.";
	end if.
	
Instead of going west in the Circular Ruins:
	say "You step into the gate.  [If the location of Madame Sosostris is the Circular Ruins]Madame Sosostris tearfully waves her hanky at you.  [end if]Blackness engulfs you.[paragraph break][paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	follow the major-scene-change rule;
	move the player to End_Of_Road.
	
Instead of going east in the Circular Ruins:
	if Apeneck Sweeny is unboinked
	begin;
		say "Sweeny guards the hornéd gate[36 as a reference].";
	otherwise;
		if the Golden Banana of Discord is not held by the player
		begin;
			say "The thought crosses your mind that you'd better not leave without the Golden Banana.";
		otherwise;
			say "You take Madame Sosostris by the hand and step through the portal.  There is a sudden jolt; you twitch and your heart flutters as if you had just awoken from the falling dream...";
			move Madame Sosostris to Inside_the_Cavern;
			follow the major-scene-change rule;
			move the player to Inside_the_Cavern;
		end if;
	end if.

Chapter Two - "Apeneck Sweeny"

Apeneck Sweeny is a man in the Circular Ruins.  "A big, beefy man with an immense neck, an unruly shock of red hair and a zebra-striped birthmark along his jaw lounges in front of the hornéd gate."  Apeneck Sweeny has a virginity.  Apeneck Sweeny is unboinked.  Apeneck Sweeny has a horniness.  Apeneck Sweeny is unaroused.  The description is "Although his eyes are bleary, the man looks both big and fast.  His bulk is muscle, not fat."  Apeneck Sweeny is unaroused.  Understand "man", "big", "beefy", "red-haired", "redheaded", "redhead", "fellow", "dangerous", "ape-neck", "ape-necked", and "dangerous-looking" as Apeneck Sweeny.  The conversation of Apeneck Sweeny is the Table of Apeneck Sweeny's Chatter.  The default reply of Apeneck Sweeny is "Apeneck Sweeny spreads his knees[line break]Letting his arms hang down to laugh,[line break]The zebra stripes along his jaw[line break]Swelling to maculate giraffe[35 as a reference]. ".  After examining Apeneck Sweeny for the first time:
	 say "The man notices you staring at him.  'I'm Sweeny,' he says forthrightly.  'Everyone calls me Apeneck.'";
	now Apeneck Sweeny is handled.

Instead of attacking, kicking, sucking, touching, rubbing, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Apeneck Sweeny for the first time, say "[if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Apeneck Sweeny[otherwise]The man[end if] cracks his knuckles.  'Try that again,' he warns you, 'and I'll rip all your appendages off.'"

Instead of attacking, kicking, sucking, touching, rubbing, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Apeneck Sweeny:
	say "Sweeny sighs.  'I [italic type]did[roman type] warn you,' he grumbles.";
	end the story saying "You have been dismembered".

Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of Apeneck Sweeny: no.

The birthmark is part of Apeneck Sweeny.  The description is "A set of purple stripes run along his jaw."  Understand "maculate", "stripes", "purple", "giraffe", "zebra", and "mark" as the birthmark.

The sweeny_neck is part of Apeneck Sweeny.  The printed name is "neck".  The description is "His neck is huge, as big as your thigh."  Understand "neck" and "huge" as the sweeny_neck.

The sweeny_hair is part of Apeneck Sweeny.  The printed name is "hair".  The description is "Unruly bright red hair, tangled and unkempt."  Understand "hair", "red", "bright", "orange", "tangled", "unkempt", and "unruly" as the sweeny_hair.

Instead of giving or showing the fine Falernian wine to Apeneck Sweeny, say "'Falernian?  Thanks, but it's totally wasted on me.  Find me something cheaper and with more kick,' says [if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]the red-haired man[end if]."

Instead of showing the wineskin to Apeneck Sweeny, say "'Gimme,' explains Sweeny.";

Instead of giving the wineskin to Apeneck Sweeny:
	now Apeneck Sweeny is horny;
	say "[if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]The red-haired man[end if] grabs the skin from you and drains it in one long, unhurried, epical swallow[42 as a reference].  He belches extravagantly.  'Just what I needed!' he exclaims.  'Where are the women?'";
	really have the parser notice Apeneck Sweeny;
	remove the wineskin from play.


Instead of giving or showing something to Apeneck Sweeny, say "Sweeny considers [the noun] briefly.  'Nah,' he says."

Table of Apeneck Sweeny's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Gate of Horn" or "Hornéd Gate" or "Horned Gate" or "Horn Gate" or "horn"	"'True dreams enter the world through the hornéd gate.  It's my job to guard it from the likes of you.  Pretty lonely and thirsty job.'"	"the Gate of Horn is how true dreams get into the world, and he guards it; he's lonely and thirsty"	--
"Gate of Ivory" or "Ivory Gate" or "ivory"	"'That gate is where false dreams issue into the world.'"	"false dreams go through the Gate of Ivory"	--
"thirst/thirsty/booze"	"'I sure could use a drink.'"	"he is thirsty"	--
"Phlebas/Phoenician/zombie"	"'That poor bastard.'"	"he pities Phlebas"	--
"lonely/loneliness/woman/women/girl/girls/sex"	"'I haven't had a woman in...I can't even remember how long.'  He sighs."	"he misses the companionship of the fairer sex"	--
"Sosostris/Madame" or "Madame Sosostris"	"'She's a bit long in the tooth.  Maybe if I were a little drunk...'"	"Madame Sosostris is a little old for him, at least when he's sober"	--
"neck/apeneck/ape-neck"	"'I work out,' he explains."	"the size of his neck is a result of hard effort."	--
"Sweeny/himself" or "Apeneck Sweeny"		"'Not much to say, really.  I have a job.  I do it.  End of story.'"	"he's reluctant to talk about himself"	--
"Tantalus"	"'Maybe someday the mud will rise.'"	"he's not a fan of Tantalus"	--
"Unreal/City" or "Unreal City"		"'I don't get across the river often.  Don't like it much over there.'"	"he doesn't go into the city much"	--
"Persephone/Dolly/Parton" or "Dolly Parton"	"'Nice tits, huh?'"	"he appreciates Persephone's breasts"	--
"Cerberus/Vinnie/Golem/Ursa/dog/monster"	"He pumps his fist.  'Great dog!  Best dog ever!'"	"for some reason he's a huge fan of Cerberus"	--
"Charon/ferryman/skeleton"	"'Creepy.'"	"he thinks Charon is creepy."
"Syra"	"'Yeah, maybe she'll be through sometime.  Sure hope so.'"	"he hopes he gets to meet Syra"	--

Sleeping_Sweeny is a male person.  Understand "Sweeny", "Apeneck", "sleeping", "sleepy", "snoring", "man", "big", "beefy", "red-haired", "redheaded", "redhead", "fellow", "dangerous", "ape-neck", "ape-necked", and "dangerous-looking" as Sleeping_Sweeny.  "[if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]The red-haired man[end if] snores behind a rubble pile."  The description is "[if Apeneck Sweeny is handled]Sweeny[otherwise]The red-haired man[end if] is fast asleep behind some rubble, snoring loudly."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with Sleeping_Sweeny, say "Best to let sleeping guardians lie." 

Part Fourteen - "Olive Grove"

The Olive Grove is a room.  It is north of the Circular Ruins.  The description is "Once an olive grove, this is now a bare hill, populated with stumps, sticks, and dead trees.  To the south you can see the Circular Ruins.  Illimitable desert stretches in all other directions."  Instead of going down in the Olive Grove, try going south.

Instead of going north in the olive grove, try going west.  Instead of going east in the olive grove, try going west.  Instead of going west in the olive grove, say "You would surely quickly become lost in the trackless desert."

Before going up in the olive grove:
	if the olive_tree is in the olive grove, instead try climbing the olive_tree.

The scenery_desert is scenery in the olive grove.  The description is "Here is no water but only rock[38 as a reference]."  The printed name is "desert".  Understand "desert", "rock", "trackless", and "illimitable" as the scenery_desert.

Some olive_scenery are scenery in the olive grove.  The description is "Dead stumps, dry sticks, twisted dead trees."  The printed name is "sticks and stumps".  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "stumps", "sticks", "trees", "dead", "bare", "twisted", and "dry" as the olive_scenery.

The olive_tree is a thing in the olive grove.  "A single (barely) live tree stands here: one branch, and on it, a single, shrivelled olive."  The description is "The tree is grimly clinging to life, with one shrivelled olive still remaining on its lone leafy branch." The printed name is "olive tree".  Understand "olive tree", "spindly", "brittle", and "tree" as the olive_tree.  Check taking the olive_tree: instead try taking the shrivelled_olive.  Instead of climbing the olive_tree, say "The tree is far too spindly and brittle to support you."  Instead of going up from the olive grove, try climbing the olive_tree.  Instead of brining the olive_tree:
	if the vinegar is not held, instead say "With what?  Your acerbic wit?";
	try pouring the vinegar on the olive_tree.

The shrivelled_olive is scenery in the olive grove.  The printed name is "olive".  The description is "A lone, shrivelled, black olive clings grimly to the olive tree.  Perhaps if it were brined it would still be edible."  Check taking the shrivelled_olive: instead say "It is high out of reach, and the tree is clearly far too spindly and brittle to support you."  Understand "lone", "shrivelled", "black", and "olive" as the shrivelled_olive.  Instead of pouring the vinegar on the shrivelled_olive, try pouring the vinegar on the olive_tree.  Instead of brining the shrivelled_olive: try brining the olive_tree.

Instead of pouring the vinegar on the olive_tree:
	say "You upend your jug of vinegar on the olive tree's gnarled roots.  The tree swells briefly as it absorbs the vinegar; the olive turns bright green and plumps up.  Then, with a horrible crackling sound, the tree disintegrates, a falling branch smashing your jug.  A single, green olive falls to the ground.";
	remove the shrivelled_olive from play;
	remove the olive_tree from play; 
	remove the jug of vinegar from play;
	really have the parser notice the pickled olive;
	move the pickled olive to the location.
	
Instead of pouring the wineskin on the olive_tree:
	say "That would be a waste of good wine.  Well, a waste of wine, anyway."

The pickled olive is a thing.  The description is "The olive is green, briny, and stuffed with a red pimento[if the pickled olive is held by Madame Sosostris].  It floats happily in Madame Sosostris's martini[end if]."  Understand "green", "briny", "red", and "pimento" as the pickled olive.  Instead of eating the pickled olive, say "Really, you prefer Kalamata olives; this one is pretty unappetizing.  Why not save it for someone who will appreciate it?"  Instead of tasting the pickled olive, say "Kalamata olives are better.  This one tastes sort of icky."  Instead of smelling the pickled olive, say "Smells like a briny olive."  Instead of sucking the olive, try tasting the pickled olive.

Part Fifteen - "Mud"

Chapter One - "Mud"

The Muddy Field is west of the Northern_riverbank.  "Once the field might have been covered in grass. Now the grass is but a memory. Mud covers the ground in its place, fed by the constant rain[if the umbrella is carried and the umbrella is open], which your umbrella deflects most of[end if]."  

The scenery_mud is scenery in the Muddy Field.  The printed name is "mud".  Understand "mud" and "brown" as the scenery_mud.  The description is "The viscous brown substance uniformly covers the ground."  Instead of digging the scenery_mud, try digging Tantalus.

The jug of vinegar is a thing in the Muddy Field.  "A jug marked 'VINEGAR' lies on its side in the field[if Tantalus is in the Muddy field] only a few inches from the head[end if]."  The description is "A medium-sized jug of vinegar."  Understand "medium" and "medium-sized" as the jug of vinegar.  Instead of drinking or smelling the jug of vinegar, say "Acrid.  What did you expect?"  Instead of opening the vinegar, say "You can uncork it easily; don't worry about it."  Instead of rolling the jug of vinegar, say "There really isn't much point."

Before taking the jug of vinegar:
	if Tantalus is unboinked, instead say "The head snaps its teeth at you and you hastily withdraw."

Chapter Two- "Tantalus"

Tantalus is a man in the Muddy Field.  "Buried almost to its chin in the mud is a human head[37 as a reference]."  The description is "Other than being buried in mud to his chin, the head is reassuringly normal. His hair and mustache [italic type][bracket]sic[close bracket][roman type] are a matted brown, perhaps from genetics, perhaps from mud. Rivulets of water run down his creased face."  The printed name of Tantalus is "the human head".  Understand "man", "human", "head", "brown", "hair", "mustache", "moustache", "Stephen", "Granade", and "Stephen Granade" as Tantalus.  The conversation of Tantalus is the Table of Tantalus's Chatter.  The default reply of Tantalus is "The head [if Tantalus is unboinked]glares sullenly[otherwise]blinks owlishly[end if] at you."  Tantalus has a virginity.  Tantalus is unboinked.

The Tantalus-taunt-counter is a number that varies.  The Tantalus-taunt-counter is 0.

After examining Tantalus:
	if Tantalus is unboinked
	begin;
		Increase the Tantalus-taunt-counter by 1;
		if the Tantalus-taunt-counter is 1
		begin;
			say "'Come to gloat?' the man says. 'Why not? After all, you put me here.'  How odd.  Did you?  Anyway, you're pretty sure this is Tantalus.";
			now Tantalus is handled;
			now the printed name of Tantalus is "Tantalus";
		end if;
		if the Tantalus-taunt-counter is 2,  say "'That's right, try to deny it. If it weren't for you, I'd still be safe.'";
		if the Tantalus-taunt-counter is 3, say "The man laughs softly. 'Not long now.'  He grins sarcastically. 'An interesting end, don't you think? Jiminy Cricket never had such an exit scene.'";
		if the Tantalus-taunt-counter is 4, say "Resignation and more than a little bitterness fill the man's face. 'Go on,' he says. 'You've work to do, pieces to recover.'  He pauses, then yells, 'Go on, I said!'  Then, muttered, 'You've ignored me too long to do anything about it now.'";
	end if.

Instead of kicking or attacking Tantalus for the first time, say "A pointed rumble of nearby thunder dissuades you."
	
Instead of kicking or attacking Tantalus:
	say "The head's eyes widen as you draw your foot back. 'Stiffy, no, please, oh gods you can't[emdash]' His cries are cut short as your foot slams into him. With the sound of eggshells cracking, the head fragments into countless pieces which are quickly lost in the mud.";
	remove Tantalus from play;
	say "[paragraph break][paragraph break]Suddenly you sink into the mud yourself.  Up to your neck, in fact.  It's a long few centuries until someone kicks your own head in.";
	end the story saying "You have been enmired".
	
Instead of pulling Tantalus:
	say "You lean over him, place your hands over his ears, and pull. He shrieks in pain, eyes squeezed shut. You quickly determine that he cannot be pulled free of the mud. When you let go the man's ears are bright red."
	
Instead of pushing Tantalus:
	say "You lean over him, place your hands on his forehead, and push. Hard. He screams, eyes squeezed shut, as you bear down on his head. When you stop you see that you have left a fiery red handprint on his forehead which is slow to fade."
	
Instead of digging Tantalus:
	say "You kneel and begin scooping mud from around the head with both hands. As fast as you remove the mud, more mud and water return. 'Forget it,' the man says gruffly. 'It's too late now.'  He seems strangely touched by your attempt, however."

Check taking Tantalus:
	instead say "You grab hold of his ears, but before you can pull, the head says, 'It's no good now. I'm done for.'  His eyes narrow at you. 'The least you can do is feel guilty.'"
	
Instead of kissing, fucking, sucking, rubbing, touching, wanking off, or blowing Tantalus, say "The mud coating him makes you think twice."

Instead of showing or giving the umbrella to Tantalus when Tantalus is unboinked, say "The man snarls, 'I'm not going to hold it in my teeth.'"

Instead of showing the hat to Tantalus when Tantalus is unboinked, say "The man sneers.  'Yee-haw.  Do I look like a cowboy to you?'"

Instead of giving the hat to Tantalus when Tantalus is unboinked, say "The hat slips down over the head's eyes, and the head bellows imprecations at you until you retrieve it."

Instead of giving or showing the wineskin to Tantalus when Tantalus is unboinked, say "The head spits.  'Hey, some diabetic harpy called.  She wants her menses back.'";  [* Too bad we can't actually ever get here. ]

Instead of showing the fine Falernian wine to Tantalus, say "The head glares at you.  'Nice.  It's not enough to put me here, now you have to taunt me.  Blow me.'"

Instead of pouring the fine Falernian wine on Tantalus, try giving the wine to Tantalus.

Instead of giving the fine Falernian wine to Tantalus:
	now Tantalus is boinked;
	remove the fine Falernian wine from play;
	really have the parser notice the jug of vinegar;
	say "You hold the bottle to the head's lips and pour.  He guzzles the wine greedily.  After the last drop is consumed, you drop the bottle into the mud, where it disappears. [paragraph break]'Whoa, thanks,' says the man.  He smacks his lips and belches.  'Take the vinegar if you want it.  I don't care.'".

Instead of showing or giving something to Tantalus:
	if Tantalus is boinked
	begin;
		say "The head rolls its eyes blearily.  'Don't care.'";
	otherwise;
		say "The man rolls his eyes.  'Is that the best you can think of?'";
	end if.

Instead of asking Tantalus about anything when Tantalus is boinked, say "The head drunkenly chants 'La-la-la!  I can't hear you; I've got mud in my ears!  La-la-la!'".

Table of Tantalus's Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"himself/man/head"	"'I'm Tantalus.  Stuck in the mud forever.  Somehow your fault.  Can't get a drink.  Sucks.'"	"he is Tantalus, and would really like a drink"	a number
"Terry/Stephen/Granade/smoking/cigarette/cigarettes/nicor/cessation" or "stephen granade"	"'Oh, aren't we clever,' sneers the head, 'with our oh-so-precious interextuality and our encyclopedic knowledge of classic post-Infocom interactive fiction.  You really are a dickhead, you know.'"	"he didn't appreciate your metagame referentiality"	--
"drink/wine/bottle" or "bottle of wine"	"The head groans, 'Oh, could I ever use a drink.'"		"he's really thirsty"	--
"mud/rain"	"He says, 'If only the rain would stop...'"	"he's tired of the rain"	--
"umbrella"	"'Can't hold it.  Assjack.'"	"he has no way to hold an umbrella"	--
"vinegar/jug" or "jug of vinegar"	"'Only there to taunt me.'"	"the jug of vinegar taunts him"		--
"wineskin/rotgut"	"'Pflgh!'"	"he's particular about his wine"	--
"Syra"	"'Dirty slut!  Wish she were here.'"	"he'd like Syra to visit"	--


Volume Seventeen - "Ivory"

Book One - "Background"

The Dream of the Red King is a scene.  The Dream of the Red King begins when Stiffy Harrows Hell ends falsely.  The Dream of the Red King ends when the time since The Dream of the Red King began is 9 minutes.
	
When Dream of the Red King begins:
	[ turn off Locksmith ]
	ignore (the opening doors before entering rule) in the before rulebook;
	ignore (the closing doors before locking rule) in the before rulebook;
	ignore (the closing doors before locking keylessly rule) in the before rulebook;
	ignore (the unlocking before opening rule) in the before rulebook;
	ignore (the intelligently opening doors rule) in the before rulebook;
	ignore (the intelligently closing doors rule) in the before rulebook;
	ignore (the intelligently closing keyless doors rule) in the before rulebook;
	ignore (the intelligently opening containers rule) in the before rulebook.


When Dream of the Red King ends:
	if the location is not Limbo, say "[paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	consider the Looking-Glass-Ending rule.	

This is the Looking-Glass-Ending Rule:
	say "[paragraph break][italic type]Somewhere, the Red King stirs, stretches, and sleepily opens his eyes.[roman type][paragraph break][paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	end the story saying "You have gone out-bang!-just like a candle".

[ ! This is to simulate the annoying lost-in-the-woods bit of Adventure]
Every turn during the Dream of the Red King:
	if the location is Open_Forest
	begin;
		if the Open_Forest is not warned_about and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds
		begin;
			move the player to the Other_Forest, without printing a room description;
		otherwise;
			now the Open_Forest is warned_about;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		now the Open_Forest is not_warned_about;
	end if.
	
Kentucky is a region.  End_Of_Road, Open_Forest, Other_Forest, In_Valley, Slit_In_Streambed, Inside_Building, Outside_Grate, and Road_Hill are in Kentucky.

Test Kentucky with "in/ get keys/ w/ s/ s/ s/ unlock grate with keys/ d"

Book Two - "Geography"

Part One - "End of The Road"

End_Of_Road is a room.  "You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building. Around you is a forest. A small stream flows out of the building and down a gully[40 as a reference]."  The printed name is "At End Of Road".  Inside from End_of_Road is Inside_Building.

The brick_building_scenery is a backdrop in End_of_Road.  The description is "It's a small brick building. It seems to be a well house."  The printed name is "well house".  Understand "building", "small", "brick", "well", and "house" as brick_building_scenery.  It is in Road_Hill and Inside_Building.  The brick_building_scenery can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the brick_building_scenery:
	if the location is Inside_Building, say "You're already there.";
	if the location is End_of_Road, instead try going east;
	if the location is Road_Hill
	begin;
		if Inside_Building has been visited, move the player to Inside_Building;
	otherwise;
		say "It's too far away.";
	end if.

The road_scenery is a backdrop in End_of_Road.  The description is "The road is dirt, not yellow brick."  The printed name is "road".  It is in Road_Hill and Other_Forest.  Understand "road" as road_scenery.

The forest_scenery is a backdrop in End_of_Road.  The printed name is "forest".  The description is "The trees of the forest are large hardwood oak and maple, with an occasional grove of pine or spruce. There is quite a bit of undergrowth, largely birch and ash saplings plus nondescript bushes of various sorts. This time of year visibility is quite restricted by all the leaves, but travel is quite easy if you detour around the spruce and berry bushes."  Understand "tree", "trees", "oak", "maple", "pine", "spruce", "birch", "ash", "saplings", "bushes", "leaves", "hardwood", "berries", and "berry" as the forest_scenery.  It is in Road_Hill, Open_Forest, Valley, and Other_Forest.

The stream_scenery is a backdrop in End_of_Road.  The printed name is "stream".  Understand "stream", "water", "brook", "river", "lake", "small", "tumbling", "rushing", and "reservoir" as the stream_scenery.  It is in In_Valley, Inside_Building, and Slit_In_Streambed.  Instead of drinking the stream_scenery, say "You have taken a drink from the stream.  The water tastes strongly of minerals, but is not unpleasant.  It is extremely cold."

Part Two - "Open Forest"

Open_Forest is east of In_Valley.  Open_Forest is north from Open_Forest.  Open_Forest is south from Open_Forest.   The printed name is "In Forest". The description is "You are in open forest, with a deep valley to one side."  Open_Forest is west from Open_Forest.  In_Valley is down from Open_Forest. 
Other_Forest is a room.  The printed name is "In Forest".  The description is "You are in open forest near both a valley and a road."  End_Of_Road is north from Other_Forest.  In_Valley is east from Other_Forest.  Open_Forest is south from Other_Forest.

Part Three - "Valley"

In_Valley is south of End_of_Road.  The printed name is "In A Valley".  The description is "You are in a valley in the forest beside a stream tumbling along a rocky bed."  End_of_Road is north from In_Valley.  

The scenery_streambed is scenery in In_Valley.  The printed name is "streambed".  The description is "You see nothing special about the streambed."  Understand "streambed", "bed", "rock", "rocky", "small", and "dry" as the scenery_streambed.

Part Four - "Slit in Streambed"

Slit_In_Streambed is south of In_Valley.  The printed name is "Slit in Streambed". Open_Forest is east from Slit_In_Streambed.  Open_Forest is west from Slit_In_Streambed.  In_Valley is north from Slit_In_Streambed.  The description of Slit_In_Streambed is "At your feet all the water of the stream splashes into a 2-inch slit in the rock.  Downstream the streambed is bare rock."  

The scenery_slit is scenery in Slit_In_Streambed.  The printed name is "2-inch slit".  The description is "It's just a 2-inch slit in the rock, through which the stream is flowing."  Understand "2-inch", "slit", "two", and "inch" as the scenery_slit.  The scenery_slit can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_slit, try going down.

Instead of going down in Slit_In_Streambed, say "You don't fit through a two-inch slit!"
Instead of going inside in Slit_In_Streambed, say "You don't fit through a two-inch slit!"


Part Five - "Outside Grate"

Outside_Grate is south of Slit_In_Streambed.  The printed name is "Outside Grate".  The description is "You are in a 20-foot depression floored with bare dirt.  Set into the dirt is a strong steel grate mounted in concrete.  A dry streambed leads into the depression."  Slit_In_Streambed is north from Outside_Grate.  Open_Forest is east from Outside_Grate.  Open_Forest is west from Outside_Grate.  Open_Forest is south from Outside_Grate.

The scenery_depression is scenery in Outside_Grate.  The description is "You're standing in it."  The printed name is "20-foot depression".  Understand "depression", "dirt", "twenty", "20-foot", "20", "foot" and "bare" as the scenery_depression.

The kentucky_grate is below Outside_Grate.  The description is "It just looks like an ordinary grate mounted in concrete[if the kentucky_grate is open].[line break]The grate stands open[end if][if the kentucky_grate is closed and the kentucky_grate is unlocked].[line break]The grate is unlocked but shut[end if]."  The printed name is "grate".  Understand "grate", "lock", "gate", "grille", "metal", "strong", "steel", and "grating" as the kentucky_grate.  It is a closed door.  It is lockable.  It is locked.  It is lockable.  Through it is Limbo.  [ The player cannot get through the grate in the time allotted ]  
	
Before going through the unlocked kentucky_grate:
	say "(first opening the grate)[line break]";
	silently try opening the kentucky_grate;
	if the kentucky_grate is closed, stop the action;
	repeat with R running through things enclosed by Limbo:
		remove R from play.

Part Six - "Hill In Road"

Road_Hill is west of End_Of_Road.  The printed name is "At Hill In Road".  THe description is "You have walked up a hill, still in the forest.  The road slopes back down the other side of the hill.  There is a building in the distance."  End_Of_Road is east from Road_Hill.  End_Of_Road is down from Road_Hill.  End_Of_Road is north from Road_Hill.  Open_Forest is south from Road_Hill.

The hill_scenery is scenery in Road_Hill.  The description is "It's just a typical hill."  The printed name is "hill".  Understand "hill", "bump", and "incline" as hill_scenery.

The other_side_scenery is scenery in Road_Hill.  The description is "Why not explore it yourself?"  The printed name is "other side".  Understand "other", "side", "side of hill", and "other side of hill" as the other_side_scenery.

Part Seven - "Inside Building"

Inside_Building is east of End_of_Road.  The printed name is "Inside Building".  The description is "You are inside a building, a well house for a large spring."  Outside from Inside_Building is End_of_Road. Instead of going north in Inside_Building, try going east.  Instead of going south in Inside_Building, try going east.  Instead of going east in Inside_Building, say "The stream flows out through a pair of 1 foot diameter sewer pipes.  The only exit is to the west."  Instead of going inside in Inside_Building, say "The pipes are too small."

Some kentucky_keys are things in Inside_Building.  "There are some keys here."  The printed name is "set of keys".  The kentucky_keys unlock the kentucky_grate.  The description is "It's just a normal-looking set of keys."  Understand "keys", "key", "keyring", "set of keys", and "bunch" as the kentucky_keys. [  Instead of counting the keys, say "A dozen or so keys." ] 

Some tasty food is a thing in Inside_Building.  "There is tasty food here."  It is edible.  After eating the tasty food, say "Delicious!"  The description is "Sure looks yummy!"  Understand "ration", "rations", "tripe", "yummy", "delicious", and "scrumptious" as the tasty food.

The shiny brass lamp is a device in Inside_Building.  "There is a shiny brass lamp nearby."   The shiny brass lamp can be lit.  It is unlit.  The description is "It is a shiny brass lamp [if the lamp is lit], glowing brightly[otherwise].  It is not currently lit[end if]."  Understand "headlamp", "headlight", "light", and "lantern" as the shiny brass lamp.  Instead of burning the lamp, try switching on the lamp.  
		
Carry out switching on the lamp:
	now the lamp is lit.
Carry out switching off the lamp:
	now the lamp is unlit.
	
Instead of rubbing the lamp, say "Rubbing the electric lamp is not particularly rewarding. Anyway, nothing exciting happens."

The advent_bottle is a container in Inside_Building.  "There is an empty bottle here."  Understand "bottle", "jar", and "flask" as the advent_bottle.  The printed name is "small bottle".  Instead of filling the advent_bottle:
	if the advent_bottle encloses something, instead say "The bottle is full already.";
	if the stream_scenery is in the location
	begin;
		say "The bottle is now full of water.";
		move water_in_bottle to advent_bottle;
	end if.
	
Water_in_bottle is a thing.  The description is "It looks like ordinary bottled water to me."  Understand "water", "bottled", and "h2o" as water_in_bottle.  The printed name is "bottled water".  Instead of drinking the water_in_bottle:
	remove the water_in_bottle from play;
	say "You have taken a drink from the stream.  The water tastes strongly of minerals, but is not unpleasant.  It is extremely cold."

The scenery_spring is scenery in Inside_Building.  The scenery_spring can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description is "The stream flows out through a pair of 1 foot diameter sewer pipes."  The printed name is "spring".  Understand "spring" and "large" as the scenery_spring.  Instead of entering the scenery_spring, try entering the scenery_pipes.

Some scenery_pipes are scenery in Inside_Building.  Some scenery_pipes can be enterable.  They are enterable.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Too small. The only exit is to the west."  The printed name is "pipes".  Understand "pipes", "pipe", "one", "foot", "diameter", "sewer", "sewer-pipes" as the scenery_pipes.  Instead of entering the scenery_pipes, say "The stream flows out through a pair of 1 foot diameter sewer pipes.  It would be advisable to use the exit."

Volume Eighteen - "Bucolic Interlude"

Bucolic Interlude is a scene.  Bucolic Interlude begins when the location is in Mantua.  Bucolic Interlude ends when the location is not in Mantua.

A chef-fetch-quest-item is a kind of thing.  

The Vergilian gripe counter is a number that varies.  The Vergilian gripe counter is 0.

Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if Villa Peristyle is not warned_about
	begin;
		if Madame Sosostris is in the location
		begin;
			if a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
			begin;
				choose a random row in Table of Sosostral Action;
				say "Madame Sosostris [drunken-action entry].";
			end if;
		otherwise;
			choose a random row in Table of Sosostral Perambulation;
			let R be the best route from the location to the location of Madame Sosostris, using doors;
			say "Madame Sosostris [mode entry] in from [the R], martini clutched in her hand.";
			move Madame Sosostris to the location;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if the duck is not in Limbo and the location of the duck is a room
	begin;
		if the duck is in the location
		begin;
			if a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
			begin;
				if the duck is not warned_about
				begin;
					say "[The duck] [if the moonmilk is not warned_about]quacks pathetically at you[otherwise]whimpers about the injustice of her cursed life[end if].";
				otherwise;
					say "[The duck] [if the moonmilk is not warned_about]quacks with grim determination[otherwise]mutters darkly about her plans for Juno, which seem to include nibbling to death[end if].";
				end if;
			end if;
		otherwise;
			choose a random row in Table of Duckly Perambulation;
			let R be the best route from the location to the location of the duck, using doors;
			say "[The duck] [mode entry] in from [the R], [if the moonmilk is not warned_about]quacking[otherwise]muttering[end if] under her breath.";
			move the duck to the location;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if the duck is in the location and the duck is warned_about and some potatos are not warned_about, now the potatos are warned_about.

Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if the location is Cavern_Mouth or the location is Inside_the_Cavern 
	begin;
		if Vergil is not handled 
		begin;
			if the Table of Bucolic Observations is not empty
			begin;
				Choose a random row in the Table of Bucolic Observations;
				say "From outside the cave, a declamation comes:[line break]'[observation entry]'[paragraph break]";
				blank out the whole row;
			otherwise;
				say "Muttering and scratching can be heard outside the cave.";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if Vergil is handled and the location of Vergil is not the location and Villa Peristyle is not warned_about
	begin;
		choose a random row in the Table of Vergilian Perambulation;
		let R be the best route from the location to the location of Vergil, using doors;
		say "Vergil [mode entry] in from [the R], [run paragraph on]";
		choose a random row in the Table of Vergilian Perambulation;
		say "[poetic-action entry].";
		move Vergil to the location;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if Vergil is handled and the location of Vergil is the location and a random chance of 1 in 4 succeeds
	begin;
		if the Table of Epic Amendments is not empty
		begin;
			Choose a random row in the Table of Epic Amendments;
			say "Vergil mutters softly to himself: '[amendment entry]'[paragraph break]";
			blank out the whole row;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if the location is Villa Peristyle and the location of Vergil is the location and the location of Madame Sosostris is the location
	begin;
		if Villa Peristyle is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "Vergil looks around and says, 'Let's have some lunch.  Stiffy, can you please go find the cook and ask him about it?'  Madame Sosostris nods in agreement.";
			now Villa Peristyle is warned_about;
		otherwise;
			if the Vergilian gripe counter is 0
			begin;
				say "Vergil looks slightly peevish.  'I say, Stiffy, haven't you got the cook working yet?'";
			end if;
			if the Vergilian gripe counter is 1
			begin;
				say "Vergil frowns.  'I want my lunch.'";
			end if;
			if the Vergilian gripe counter is 2
			begin;
				say "Madame Sosostris stage-whispers, 'Oh, my, I'm just parched!'";
			end if;
			if the Vergilian gripe counter is 3
			begin;
				say "Vergil mutters something unkind about Gallic chefs.";
			end if;
			if the Vergilian gripe counter is 4
			begin;
				say "Vergil experimentally tries gnawing on the edge of the table.  Madame Sosostris giggles.";
			end if;
			if the Vergilian gripe counter is 5
			begin;
				say "Vergil says something witty about his Gallic chef being divided into three parts.";
			end if;
			if the Vergilian gripe counter is greater than 5
			begin;
				say "Vergil and Madame Sosostris widen their eyes at you and moan pitifully in hunger, clutching their bellies and sucking in their cheeks.";
			end if;
			increase the Vergilian gripe counter by 1;
		end if;
	end if;

Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if the stiffycock is visible
	begin;
		if Madame Sosostris is in the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			say "You catch Madame Sosostris eyeing your cock.  She smiles sweetly at you.";
		end if;
		if Vergil is in the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			say "Vergil tries, unsuccessfully, to pretend he wasn't just staring at your penis.";
		end if;
		if the French chef is in the location and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			say "[The French chef] glances at your cock.  '[italic type]Saucisson chaud,[roman type]' he helpfully notes[47 as a footnote], with a Gallic shrug.";
		end if;
		if the location encloses the scullery maid and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds
		begin;
			say "[The scullery maid] looks [if the scullery maid is boinked]affectionately[otherwise]longingly[end if] at your cock[if the scullery maid is unboinked].  'Sure could use me some of that,' she opines[end if].";
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if the location of the chestnuts is not a room, move the chestnuts to Chestnut Grove.
	
Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	If the location is Villa Atrium and Villa Atrium is not warned_about
	begin;
		now Villa Atrium is warned_about; [ the first time you enter the Villa, if you have no toga, Vergil will give you a new toga ]
		if the toga is not worn by the player and the toga is not carried by the player and the location of Vergil is the location
		begin;
			say "Vergil holds up a finger.  'Just a moment,' he says, and disappears into the house.  He emerges soon with a freshly-laundered toga,[run paragraph on]";
			unless no garment is worn by the player
			begin;
				repeat with G running through the garments worn by the player 
				begin;
					try silently taking off G;
				end repeat;
			end unless;
			if no garment is worn by the player
			begin;
				now the toga is worn by Stiffy Makane;
				now the toga is sparkling;
				remove the stiffycock from play;
				say " which he helps you to don.";
			otherwise;
				now the toga is carried by Stiffy Makane;
				now the toga is sparkling;
				say " but the two of you can't figure out how to get it on over [the random garment worn by the player], so he settles for handing it to you.";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.

Every turn during Bucolic interlude:
	if no garment is worn by the scullery maid
	begin;
		now the scullery maid's tits are part of the scullery maid;
		now the scullery maid's pussy is part of the scullery maid;
		now the scullery maid's asshole is part of the scullery maid;
	otherwise;
		remove the scullery maid's tits from play;
		remove the scullery maid's pussy from play;
		remove the scullery maid's asshole from play;
	end if.

Every turn during Bucolic interlude:
	if the location of the duck is Little Pond and the location is Little Pond
	begin;
		if the duck is warned_about
		begin;
			say "[The duck] contemplates the duckweed calmly and smugly.";
		otherwise;
			say "[The duck] lunges ravenously towards the duckweed, and then her head sharply turns to one side as if she's been slapped.  '[if the moonmilk is warned_about]Damnit[otherwise]Quack[end if]!' she cries.";
		end if;
	end if.
	
Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if the location of the duck is the location of the French Chef
	begin;
		if the duck is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "The chef contemplates [the duck] sadly.  'She is much too skinny,' he says in a disappointed tone.  'You must fatten her up before she is worthy of being eaten.'  [The duck] shakes her head disconsolately.";
		otherwise;
			say "'Wonderful, monsieur!' shouts the chef.  He leaps toward the duck, who makes no attempt to resist.  You have to look away as he quickly and expertly snaps [the duck]'s neck and then plunges her corpse into a vat of boiling water.  In just a few moments, your erstwhile friend is reduced to a plucked and gutted carcass lying on the countertop.";
			remove the duck from play;
			move the dead_duck to the countertop;
		end if;
	end if.

Every turn during Bucolic Interlude:
	if every chef-fetch-quest-item is on the countertop and the location is the kitchen
	begin;
		say "[The French chef] says 'At last I can begin.  Shoo!  Shoo!'  He hustles you out of the kitchen into the peristyle, where you sit and wait with Vergil and Madame Sosostris as a series of ever more mouth-watering smells come from the kitchen.  Shortly, crispy duck stuffed with chestnuts emerges on a platter borne by [the French chef].  He places it on the table, and as Madame Sosostris takes the first bite, there is the unmistakable smell of lilac and the whoosh of a canardic soul ascending to heaven.  The meal, and the wine, are fantastic, and after the wine is drunk and the duck consumed Vergil makes arrangements for your travel back to your home in Ostia.";
		remove the duck_call from play;
		remove the cellar key from play;
		now the toga is worn by the player;
		consider the major-scene-change rule;
		now the destination of the gangway is "Ostia";
		repeat with N running from 1 to the number of rows in the the Table of Ports
		begin;
			choose row N in the Table of Ports;
			now the ship-present entry is "no";
		end repeat;
		choose row with a port-name of "Ostia" in the Table of Ports;
		now the ship-present entry is "yes";
		move Bruno to Dockside;
		move Palinurus to Poop Deck;
		move gangway to Poop Deck;
		move the player to Stiffy Love Nest;
	end if.

Mantua is a region.  Mantua_outdoors is a region.  Villa Entrance, Little Pond, Chestnut Grove, and Field Near Cave are rooms in Mantua_outdoors.  Mantua_outdoors is in Mantua.  Mantua_cave is a region.  Inside_the_Cavern and Cavern_Mouth are rooms in Mantua_cave.  Mantua_cave is in Mantua.  Mantua_indoors is a region.  Villa Atrium, Villa Peristyle, and Kitchen are rooms in Mantua_indoors.  Mantua_indoors is in Mantua.  Mantua_cellars is a region.  Pantry, Root Cellar, Shadowy Nook, Wine Cellar, and Dim Alcove are rooms in Mantua_cellars.  Mantua_cellars is in Mantua.

Test to-mantua with "test to-hades / test hades / e".

Test mantua-outside with "e / e / s / get chestnuts / n / e / get duckweed / w / n / e / e".
Test mantua-indoors with "s / ask chef about lunch / get call / e / s / remove toga / remove tunic / fuck maid / ask maid about key / get key / n".
Test cellar with "unlock door with key / open door / e / e / search moonmilk / eat moonmilk / get wine / w / w / w".
Test cooking with "give wine to chef / give chestnuts to chef / n / w / w / blow call / ask duck about curse / give duckweed to anas / e / e / s".
Test mantua with "Test mantua-outside / test mantua-indoors / test cellar / test cooking".

Test through-mantua with "test to-mantua / test mantua".

Table of Sosostral Action
drunken-action
"belches delicately"
"blinks owlishly"
"wobbles blearily"
"emits a small, ladylike hiccup"
"staggers in a tight circle"
"shakes her head as if to clear it, stumbles, and nearly falls"

Book One - "Cavern"

Inside_the_Cavern is a room in Mantua_cave.  The description is "Dim light trickles from an entrance to the east, illuminating a cramped chamber.  Twisted rock forms a suggestion of an arch on the back wall, looking sort of like contorted, interlocking antlers."  The printed name is "Inside the Cavern".

Scenery_horn_gate is scenery in Inside_the_Cavern.  The printed name is "gate".  Understand "gate", "horn", "of", "rock", "formation", "interlocking", "twisted", "contorted", "suggestion", "suggestive", "rock", "suggestively", "back", "wall", "elk", "antler", "antlers", "arch", "archway","gateway", "hornéd", and "horned" as the scenery_horn_gate.  Scenery_horn_gate can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description of scenery_horn_gate is "From this side, the Gate Of Horn is merely a suggestively-shaped rock formation, rather than an actual gate."

Scenery_chamber is scenery in Inside_the_Cavern.  The printed name is "chamber".  Understand "small", "passage", "narrow", "chamber", "room", "cave", "cavern", and "cramped" as the scenery_chamber.  The description is "This is a small cave, about ten feet by eight feet; a narrow passage rises to the east, opening to the outside.  The western wall is a twisted mass of rock, forming the suggestion of a gateway."

Instead of entering the scenery_horn_gate, say "Alas, to return to Hades, you will have to employ more traditional means.  From this side, the Gate of Horn is a mere rock formation."

Instead of going west in Inside_the_Cavern, try entering the scenery_horn_gate.  Instead of going down in Inside_the_Cavern, try entering the scenery_horn_gate.  Instead of going up in Inside_the_Cavern, try going east.

Cavern_Mouth is east of Inside_the_Cavern.  The printed name is "Cavern Mouth".  The description of Cavern_Mouth is "You are just inside the entrance to a cavern; a cramped passage descends to the west.  Green fields are visible outside the cave to the east."  Instead of going up in Cavern_Mouth, try going east.

Scenery_cramped_passage is scenery in Cavern_Mouth.  The printed name is "cramped passage".  Understand "small", "passage", "narrow", and "cramped" as the scenery_cramped_passage.  The description is "A narrow passage descends to the west."

Scenery_cavern_fields is scenery in Cavern_Mouth.  The printed name is "green fields".  The description of scenery_cavern_fields is "Green fields dotted with sheep stretch off to the east."  Understand "green", "field", "fields", "dotted", and "sheep" as scenery_cavern_fields.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_cavern_fields, say "The fields are far away."

Before listening during Bucolic Interlude:
	if the location is Cavern_Mouth or the location is Inside_the_Cavern
	begin;
		if Vergil is not handled 
		begin;
			if the Table of Bucolic Observations is not empty
			begin;
				stop the action;  [ Vergil will declaim for us ]
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.

Before going east in Cavern_Mouth for the first time:
	say "You and Madame Sosostris emerge from the shadow of the cave, blinking in the sunlight.  A man wearing a toga stands, his back to you, and declaims:[line break]'Come, let us rise: the shade is wont to be[line break]Baneful to singers; baneful is the shade[line break]Cast by the juniper, crops sicken too[line break]In shade. Now homeward, having fed your fill-[line break]Eve's star is rising-go, my she-goats, go.'[paragraph break]";
	say "He wipes his brow as if exhausted, and then turns around.  Seeing you and Madame Sosostris, he jumps nearly out of his skin.[paragraph break]";
	say "However, he quickly recovers his composure and introduces himself as Publius Vergilius Maro, a poet of little repute.  He is fascinated by your account of how you came to be in his field near Mantua, [if the toga is not worn by the player and the toga is not carried by the player]offers to clothe you in a decent toga, [end if]and invites the pair of you to stay in his villa, which stands just to the north.  He seems to take it as something of a personal vindication that the Gate of Horn actually [italic type]does[roman type] exit into the cave in his pasture.[paragraph break]";
	say "Vergil absentmindedly scratches his ear with his pen and mutters, 'I just [italic type]know[roman type] there's a poem in here somewhere.'";
	move Madame Sosostris to Field Near Cave;
	now Vergil is handled.

Book Two - "Vergil"

Vergil is a man in Field Near Cave. Understand "Publius", "Vergilius", "Maro", and "Virgil" as Vergil.  The description is "Vergil is a fastidious-looking man in a crisp white toga.  He holds a pen and a scroll, making notes on the latter with the former."  The conversation of Vergil is the Table of Vergilian Chatter.  The default reply of Vergil is "Vergil, deep in thought, appears not to have heard you."

The vergil_scroll is held by Vergil.  The printed name is "scroll".  The description is "Vergil's scroll is filled with the notes he has made."  Understand "Vergil's", "Virgil's", "note", "notes", and "scroll" as the vergil_scroll.

The vergil_pen is held by Vergil.  The printed name is "pen".  The description is "It's just an ordinary quill pen, made from a goose feather."  Understand "Vergil's", "Virgil's", "pen", "quill", "goose", and "feather" as the vergil_pen.

The vergil_toga is a garment worn by Vergil.  The printed name is "toga".  Understand "crisp", "white", "clean", "neat", "Vergil's", "Virgil's" and "toga" as the vergil_toga.  The description is "Vergil's toga is clean and neat."  

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Vergil, say "Vergil avoids your embrace.  'Sorry,' he says, 'but Stiffy, you're much too old for me[45 as a footnote].'"

Table of Bucolic Observations
observation
"Trust not too much to colour, beauteous boy;[line break]White privets fall, dark hyacinths are culled[44 as a footnote]."
"Assume thy greatness, for the time draws nigh,[line break]Dear child of gods, great progeny of Jove[44 as a footnote]!"
"Time carries all things, even our wits, away[44 as a footnote]."
"But we far hence, to burning Libya some,[line break]Some to the Scythian steppes, or thy swift flood,[line break]Cretan Oaxes, now must wend our way,[line break]Or Britain, from the whole world sundered far.[line break]Ah! shall I ever in aftertime behold[line break]My native bounds- see many a harvest hence[line break]With ravished eyes the lowly turf-roofed cot[line break]Where I was king[44 as a footnote]?"
"Yet here, this night, you might repose with me,[line break]On green leaves pillowed: apples ripe have I,[line break]Soft chestnuts, and of curdled milk enow[44 as a footnote]."
"Now the last age by Cumae's Sibyl sung[line break]Has come and gone, and the majestic roll[line break]Of circling centuries begins anew:[line break]Justice returns, returns old Saturn's reign,[line break]With a new breed of men sent down from heaven[44 as a footnote]."

Table of Epic Amendments
amendment
"I can't very well call it the [italic type]Stiffyiad[roman type], can I?  What if I made it about Aeneas and the founding of Rome?"
"Golden Banana?  That sounds retarded.  Golden....beefcake?  No.  Barracuda?  No.  Bill-hook?  No.  Bartender?  No.  Bowsprit?  No.  Beer-glass?  No.  Biscuit?  No.  Bough?  Yes!  That's it!  The Golden Bough!"
"Madame Sosostris is a nice enough old drunkard, but she seems like a faulty sybil.  Maybe I should go with the Cumean?"
"This isn't really a true story, so it shouldn't be the Gate of Horn.  Better go with Ivory."
"Stetson?  I think I'm better off making the underworld a reminder of the sacrifice required to build Rome's glory..."

Table of Vergilian Perambulation
mode			poetic-action
"ambles"			"scratching absentmindly at his ear with his pen"
"wanders"		"chewing on the end of his pen"
"strolls"			"deep in thought"
"walks"			"trying out dactylic hexameters"
"meanders"		"mumbling to himself"	

Table of Vergilian Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"Syra"	"'Quite the experience, particularly the nose.'"	"he remembers Syra's nose"	a number
"Arcadia"	"'Arcadia is, of course, the home of Pan, and therefore seemed a better setting for my [italic type]Eclogues[roman type] than Sicily, even if Theocritus put [roman type]his[italic type] works there.'"	"Arcadia is the fitting setting for the [italic type]Eclogues[roman type]"	--
"Theocritus"	"'Theocritus is one of my favorite poets.'"	"Theocritus is one of his favorite poets"	--
"Aeneas/Aeneid/Rome/Roman/Italy"	"'I think there's probably a poem there; thanks for the inspiration!'"	"he thanked you for inspiring his to-be-written epic about Aeneas"	--
"Mantua"		"'My home stomping grounds.'"	"Mantua is where he considers his home to be"	--
"me/myself/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Mentula" or "Gaius Macanus Mentula"	"'I'll get word to your family that you're safe and in good hands.'"	"he'll tell your family you're OK"	--
"banana" or "golden banana" or "Golden Banana of Discord"	"'I can't help you there; sounds like you need to get it to Olympus.'"	"he thinks you should take the banana to Olympus"	--
"pastoral poetry" or "bucolic/bucolics/eclogue/eclogues/sheep/cow/goat/goats/cattle/cows/poem/poetry/poems"	"'Almost done with the current batch.  I'm actually kind of sick of sheep and cows and goats; can you believe it?  Sure, the moonmilk lets you understand their speech, but it turns out they have nothing interesting to say.'"	"He's nearly done with the [italic type]Eclogues[roman type] and is kind of tired of the subject.  Even though moonmilk has allowed him to understand farm animals' speech, they don't have anything interesting to say"	--
"Corydon"	"'Too much of a Gary-Stu, you think?'"	"he worries that Corydon is too obviously himself"	--
"Alexis/Alexander" or "fair Alexis"	"Vergil blushes and says nothing."	"he blushes when asked about 'Alexis'"	--
"Cebes"	"'Awww, he's a sweetie.  And his poetry's really rather good.'"	"Cebes is a decent budding poet"	--
"Catalepton/Priapea/Epigrams/Dirae/Ciris/Culex"	"'Pah!  Juvenalia!'"	"he's not proud of his early work"	--
"Georgics"	"Vergil looks at you strangely.  'I haven't written anything like that.'"	"he hasn't even thought of the [italic type]Georgics[roman type] yet, you ahistorical lout"
"Plotia Hieria" or "Plotia/Hieria"	"'Ewww.'"	"Vergil is not enamored of Plotia Hieria"	--
"cave/tomb/gate/horn/hornéd/cavern" or "hornéd gate" or "horned gate"	"'I have long suspected that was actually the Gate of Horn.'"	"he long suspected the cave to be the mouth of the Gate of Horn."	--
"Sosostris/Madame" or "Madame Sosostris"	"'She seems a pleasant enough drunkard, though I wonder about her predictive abilities.'"	"Madame Sosostris is a pleasant old sot, but, he suspects, a faulty sybil"	--
"himself/Vergil/Virgil" or "Publius Vergilius Maro"	"'I hope my poetry someday is deemed worthy.'"	"he worries about his poetic reputation"	--
"marble/inscription" or "et in arcadia ego"	"'It helps me pretend I'm in Arcadia rather than in Mantua.'"	"the inscription is a source of Arcadian inspiration to him"	--
"Auguste/Escoffier/chef/French/cook/gaul" or "Auguste Escoffier" or "French chef"	"'He's the finest chef of whom I am aware.'"	"he is quite proud of his chef"	--
 "Ulpia/maid/sous-chef/lazy/slattern/scullery/slut" or "lazy slut" or "scullery maid"	"'Honestly, I don't know why I keep her around.'"	"he doesn't know why he keeps his maid around"	--
"moonmilk/moon-milk/moon/milk/calcite"	"'Moonmilk allows you to understand animals' speech.  Tastes awful, though.  There's a big deposit in the deep parts of the cellar, if you're interested'"	"moonmilk makes animals' speech intelligble.  There's some in the cellar, apparently"	--


Book Three - "Fields"

Field Near Cave is east of Cavern_Mouth.  The description is "A cave, surmounted by an inscribed piece of marble, descends into a hillside to the west.  Some distance to the north is a charming farmhouse.  A small pond lies further east, and a dappled grove of trees starts to the south, and winds its way around to the hillside atop the cave."

Backdrop_fields are a backdrop in Field Near Cave.  They are in Chestnut Grove and Little Pond.  The description is "Cattle and sheep dot green fields in the distance."  Understand "green", "field", "fields", "cow", "cows", "cattle", "dot", "dotted", and "sheep" as backdrop_fields.  The printed name is "green fields".

The mantuan_sky_scenery is sky_scenery in mantua_outdoors.  It is in Villa Atrium and Peristyle.  The description is "Bright yellow sun beams down from a clear blue sky."  Understand "blue", "sky", "sun", "clear", "yellow", "bright", and "breeze" as mantuan_sky_scenery.

Scenery_marble is scenery in Field Near Cave.  The description is "A piece of pinkish marble, inscribed with 'Et In Arcadia Ego,' adorns the hillside above the cave."  Understand "pink", "pinkish", "marble", "inscription", "inscribed", "stone", "et", "in", "arcadia", "ego", and "piece" as the scenery_marble.

After examining the scenery_marble for the first time:
	if Vergil is in the location
	begin;
		say "Vergil, a little sheepishly, says, 'I find it helps me to pretend I'm in Arcadia, rather than Mantua, when I'm trying to write my pastoral poetry.'";
	end if.
	
Instead of taking the scenery_marble, say "It's much too heavy, and much too embedded in the hillside, to lift."

Scenery_cave is scenery in Field Near Cave.  The description is "A cave descends into the hillside to the west."  Instead of doing anything other than examining, smelling, or entering with the scenery_cave, say "It's not clear how you would do that."  Scenery_cave can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_cave, try going west.  Instead of smelling the scenery_cave, say "The cave mouth smells of cool air."  Understand "cave", "cavern", "mouth", "cool", "air", "portal", and "tomb" as the Scenery_cave.

Scenery_grove2 is scenery in Field Near Cave.  The description is "A dappled grove of chestnut trees sprawls to the south and up over the hillside to the west."  The printed name is "dappled grove".  Understand "dappled", "grove", "chestnut", "trees", "trees", "hillside", and "chestnuts" as the scenery_grove2.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_grove2, say "It's too far away."

Scenery_pond is scenery in Field Near Cave.  The description is "A cheery pond, partially choked with duckweed, lies amidst green fields to the south."  The printed name is "pond".  Understand "pond", "pool", "lake", "cheery", and "duckweed" as the scenery_pond.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_pond, say "It's too far away."

Scenery_villa is scenery in Field Near Cave.  The description is "A charming rustic farmhouse is some distance to the north."  Understand "charming", "rustic", "farmhouse", "house", and "villa" as the scenery_villa.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_villa, say "It's too far away."

Instead of going up in Field Near Cave, try going south.  Instead of going down in Field Near Cave, try going west.

Chestnut Grove is south of Field Near Cave.  The description is "Chestnut trees stretch high overhead, sunlight glinting through the canopy.  Green fields are visible north and east through the trees."  Instead of going east in Chestnut Grove, try going north.  Instead of going down in Chestnut Grove, try going north.  Instead of going south in Chestnut Grove, try going west.  Instead of going west in Chestnut Grove, say "You have no wish to get lost among the trees."  Instead of going up in Chestnut Grove, say "There are no low branches on the chestnut trees, and you were never much good at tree-climbing."

Some chestnuts are chef-fetch-quest-items in Chestnut Grove.  Understand "chestnut" as chestnuts.  They are edible.  Instead of eating chestnuts, say "You'd have to crack them open first."  Some chestnuts can be openable.  They are openable.  Instead of opening the chestnuts, say "You are not strong enough to crack chestnuts with your bare hands, your biceps, or indeed any other of your body parts."  Instead of attacking the chestnuts, try opening the chestnuts.  The description is "Perfectly ordinary chestnuts."

Scenery_chestnut_trees is scenery in Chestnut Grove.  The description is "Chestnut trees stretch high overhead."  Understand "chestnut", "chestnuts", "canopy", "dappled", "green", "tree" and "trees" as the scenery_chestnut_trees.  Does the player mean doing something with the scenery_chestnut_trees: it is unlikely.  Instead of doing anything other than eating, smelling, tasting, climbing or examining with the scenery_chestnut_trees, say "The trees are large and immobile."  Instead of eating, smelling or tasting the scenery_chestnut_trees, say "The trees have no particular odor or flavor."  Instead of climbing the scenery_chestnut_trees, try going up.  The printed name is "chestnut trees".       

Little Pond is east of Field Near Cave.  The description is "A little pond nestles in a hollow.  It is partially choked with green duckweed.  A villa is visible off to the north, while the fields stretch to the east and south."

Scenery_small_pond is scenery in Little Pond.  The printed name is "small pond".  Scenery_small_pond can be enterable.  It is enterable.   The description is "The small pond is half-choked with duckweed."  Understand "pond", "thigh-deep", "small", "little", "shallow", "puddle", "water", and "lake" as the scenery_small_pond.  Scenery_small_pond can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  Instead of drinking the scenery_small_pond, say "The water is a little muddy, but not bad."  Instead of tasting the scenery_small_pond, try drinking the scenery_small_pond.   Instead of sucking the scenery_small_pond, try drinking the scenery_small_pond.  Instead of touching the scenery_small_pond, try swimming around in the scenery_small_pond.  Instead of smelling the scenery_small_pond, say "The water smells slightly of duckweed."  Instead of entering the scenery_small_pond, try swimming around in the scenery_small_pond.

Instead of swimming when the location is Little Pond, try swimming around in the scenery_small_pond.

Instead of swimming around in the scenery_small_pond:
	say "You splash around in the shallow pond (only thigh-deep) for a while, and shake the duckweed off when you emerge, somewhat refreshed.";
	now Stiffy Makane is cleanish;
	now every garment worn by Stiffy Makane is cleanish;
	now every garment carried by Stiffy Makane is cleanish;
	stop the action.

Scenery_duckweed is scenery in Little Pond.  The printed name is "duckweed".  The description is "It's green duckweed; fast-growing, slimy, edible in a pinch unless you're a duck, in which case, it's a delicacy."   Does the player mean doing something with the scenery_duckweed: it is unlikely.  Instead of tasting the scenery_duckweed, say "It tastes of duckweed: green, slimy, muddy, and not terribly nice."  Instead of smelling the scenery_duckweed, say "It smells like vegetation and muddy water."  Understand "slimy", "green", "duckweed", "weed", and "scum" as the scenery_duckweed.

Sanity-check eating the scenery_duckweed:
	Follow the scooping_duckweed rule;
	instead try eating the duckweed.
	
Check taking the scenery_duckweed:
	Follow the scooping_duckweed rule;
	stop the action.
	
This is the scooping_duckweed rule:
	remove the duckweed from play;
	move the duckweed to the player;
	say "You scoop a big glob of duckweed from the pond."

Scenery_dickweed is scenery in Little Pond.  The printed name is "dickweed".  Instead of doing anything with the scenery_dickweed, say "No, dickweed, duckweed, not dickweed."  Understand "dickweed" as scenery_dickweed.

Some duckweed is a thing.  It is ambiguously plural.  The description is "This is a lump of slimy green duckweed about the size of your fist."  Some duckweed can be edible.  It is edible.  Instead of eating the duckweed, say "You nibble on the duckweed.  It's vegetative, muddy, and sort of unappetizing."  Instead of tasting the duckweed, say "It tastes of duckweed: green, slimy, muddy, and not terribly nice."  Instead of smelling the duckweed, say "It smells like vegetation and muddy water."  Understand "slimy", "green", "weed", "glob", "fist", "fist-sized", "lump", and "scum" as the duckweed.

Instead of going east in Little Pond, say "You wander for a time near the little pond, but soon return."  Instead of going south in Little Pond, try going east.

Book Four - "Villa"

Part One - "Ground Floor"

Villa Entrance is north of Field Near Cave.  It is north of Little Pond.  The description is "The doorway to the villa opens to your east.  Hills and a grove of trees rise to the south, and fields stretch to the north and west."  Instead of going north in Villa Entrance, say "You stroll for a little while in the fields near the villa, and arrive again at the door."  Instead of going west in Villa Entrance, try going north.  Instead of going inside in Villa Entrance, try going east.

Villa Doorway is a door.  It is scenery.  It is east of Villa Entrance and west of Villa Atrium.  The description is "A heavy wooden double door with an imposing bar; it looks strong enough to repel a pitchfork-wielding horde, but it is currently held open by pegs lowered into sockets."  Understand "door", "wooden", "wood", "double", "bar", "pegs", "peg", "socket", "sockets", and "imposing" as Villa Doorway.  Villa Doorway can be openable.  It is openable.  It is open.  Instead of closing Villa Doorway, say "That's really Vergil's choice to make, not yours."

Villa Atrium is a room.  The printed name is "Atrium".  The description is "The atrium of Vergil's villa is charming in its rustic simplicity.  The center of the room is filled by an impluvium; the exit is to the west, and the house continues to the east.  Private rooms line the north and south walls."  Instead of going north in Villa Atrium, say "Those rooms are Vergil's to admit you to, or not, as he chooses.  Attempting to enter would be presumptuous."  Instead of going south in Villa Atrium, try going north.  Instead of going outside in Villa Atrium, try going west.

Instead of swimming in the villa atrium, try swimming around in the villa_impluvium.  Instead of drinking in the villa atrium, try drinking the villa_impluvium.

The villa_impluvium is scenery in Villa Atrium. Understand "impluvium" and "cistern" as the villa_impluvium.  The printed name is "impluvium".  The villa_impluvium can be enterable.  It is enterable.   The villa_impluvium can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  The description is "The impluvium functions as a cistern, catching rainwater and holding it for the house."  Understand "impluvium", "cistern" and "water" as the villa_impluvium.  Instead of drinking the villa_impluvium, say "The water tastes all right, but not as good as the water in the impluvium in your house."  Instead of tasting the villa_impluvium, try drinking the villa_impluvium.   Instead of sucking the villa_impluvium, try drinking the villa_impluvium.  Instead of touching the villa_impluvium, try swimming around in the villa_impluvium.  Instead of smelling the villa_impluvium, say "The water smells ever so slightly of algae.  For some reason, when it's not the Makane impluvium, that's faintly disgusting."  Instead of entering the villa_impluvium, try swimming around in the villa_impluvium.  Instead of swimming around in the villa_impluvium, say "Only an extremely ill-bred guest would go swimming in his host's impluvium."  Instead of searching the villa_impluvium, say "The impluvium is partially full of water."

Villa Peristyle is a room.  It is east of Villa Atrium.  The printed name is "Peristyle".  The description is "The peristyle continues the theme of rustic simplicity.  As it is a sunny day, the dining table has been set here.  The kitchen is to the south, and the atrium to the west.  A small garden contains fragrant herbs and flowers.  More bedrooms line the north wall, and the triclinium is east."  Instead of going north in Villa Peristyle, say "Those rooms are Vergil's to admit you to, or not, as he chooses.  Attempting to enter would be presumptuous."  Instead of going east in Villa Peristyle, say "There's no need to go into the triclinium, since the table is set here in the peristyle."

The dining table is a supporter in Villa Peristyle.  It is fixed in place.  The description is "The dining table is made of rough-hewn wood, square and sturdy."  Understand "wood", "wooden", "rough-hewn", "rough", "hewn", "square", and "sturdy" as the dining table.

The herb garden is scenery in Villa Peristyle.  The description is "The garden brims with fragrant herbs and flowers.  You can identify rosemary, oregano, thyme, and basil among the herbs, and roses, crocus, and crysanthemums among the flowers.  There are many more, but botany was never your strong suit."  Understand "herbs", "flowers", "flower", "rosemary", "oregano", "thyme", "basil", "marjoram", "crocus", "crysanthemum", "rose", "roses", "crysanthemums", "crocuses", and "croci" as the herb garden.  Instead of taking the herb garden, say "It'd be rude to destroy the garden.  You'd better settle for smelling it."  Instead of smelling the garden, say "The herb garden produces a lovely blend of scents."  Instead of tasting the herb garden, say "You are not a goat, to wander in and start devouring the herb garden."

The scenery_villa_cubiculum is a backdrop.  It is ambiguously plural.  It is in Villa Atrium and Villa Peristyle.  The printed name is "cubicula".  Understand "cubiculum", "cubicula", "bedroom", and "bedrooms" as the scenery_villa_cubiculum.  The description is "The bedrooms (or so you assume their function to be) are shut."  The scenery_villa_cubiculum can be openable.  It is openable.  Instead of opening the scenery_villa_cubiculum, try going north.  The scenery_villa_cubiculum can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_villa_cubiculum, try going north.

The scenery_villa_triclinium is scenery in Villa Peristyle.  The printed name is "triclinium".  Understand "dining room", "dark", "unused", and "triclinium" as the scenery_villa_triclinium.  The description is "The triclinium is dark and unused; since it is a fine day, the mid-day meal will be served outside."

Kitchen is a room.  It is south of Villa Peristyle. The description is "This is a spacious and well-appointed rustic kitchen.  Countertops[emdash]some wooden, some marble[emdash] ring the perimeter.  An arched brick oven dominates the south wall.  Bronze and iron pots and pans hang from ceiling hooks.  In the southeastern corner, a staircase descends to the east into a cellar."  Instead of smelling in the kitchen, try smelling the oven.  Instead of going down in the Kitchen, try going east.

The countertop is a supporter in the kitchen.  It is ambiguously plural.  Understand "counter", "counters", "marble", "smooth", "cool", "wood", "wooden", "stone", "white", "blond", "blonde", "perimeter", and "ring" as the countertop.  It is scenery.  It is enterable.  The description is "Counters wrap around the kitchen, some white marble, some blonde wood[if nothing is on the countertop].[otherwise].  On a counter you can see [a list of things on the countertop]."  Instead of doing anything other than touching, examining, entering, or searching with the countertop, say "That's not really something you can do with the countertop."  Instead of touching the countertop, say "Smooth and cool."  Instead of entering the countertop, say "You were raised better than to go clambering around on other people's kitchen counters."

The duck_call is a thing on the countertop.  The printed name is "duck call".  Understand "duck", "call", "brass", "reed", "tube", "small", "brass-and-reed", and "lure" as the duck_call.  The description is "The duck call is a small brass-and-reed tube, into which one blows.  It emits a mournful quacking sound that, presumably, attracts ducks."  Does the player mean doing something with the duck_call: it is unlikely.
Before blowing the duck_call: 
	say "The duck call emits a small, dolorous quack." ;
	stop the action.
		
Before blowing the duck_call when the location is in mantua_outdoors and the location of the duck is Limbo:
		say "Almost immediately, with an answering doleful quack, an emaciated duck plummets out of the sky, to come to a barely controlled landing at your feet.  It cocks its head at you[if moonmilk is warned_about] and says 'Howdy,'[otherwise] and quacks,[end if] and shuffles tiredly towards your feet.";
		move the duck to the location;
		stop the action.

The cookware is scenery in the kitchen.  Understand "bronze", "iron", "metal", "pot", "pots", "pan", "pans", "hook", "hooks", and "ceiling" as the cookware.  The description is "To your untrained eye, anyway, this looks like a pretty complete selection of containers for cooking meals."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the cookware, say "Vergil and his staff would probably prefer it if you left the cookware alone.  Anyway, you're not a chef, and as far as you've ever been concerned, meals were something someone else prepared."

The oven is scenery in the kitchen.  Understand "brick", "arch", "arched", "big", "large", "dominating", "fat", "cooked", "garlic", "warm", "hot", "heat", "heated", "fire", "flame", "baking", "roasting", "cheery", "glow", "orange", "red", and "bricks" as the oven.  Instead of doing anything other than touching, smelling, examining, searching, or entering with the oven, say "The possibilities for interaction with the oven are, shall we say, minimal."  The description is "This is a large oven, constructed of red brick, suitable for baking or roasting.  An orange glow comes from within, and it radiates heat."  Instead of searching the oven, say "All you can see in there is a cheery orange glow."  Instead of smelling the oven, say "The oven gives off an aroma of cooked fat and garlic.  The smell makes your mouth water."  Instead of touching the oven, say "The oven is uncomfortably warm to the touch."  The oven can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Instead of entering the oven, say "Hansel, you aren't."  Instead of going south in the kitchen, try entering the oven.

The dead_duck is a chef-fetch-quest-item.  Understand "dead", "duck", "carcass", "corpse", "Anas", and "meat" as the dead_duck.  The printed name is "dead duck".  The description is "Well, as far as you can tell from the beak, anyway, Anas died with a smile on her face.  And it must be said, her corpse does look delicious."  It is edible. Instead of eating the dead_duck, say "Allow the chef to work his magic on it first."

Part Two - "Chef"

The French chef is a man in the kitchen.  "[if the French chef is not proper-named]A man in a high white hat, a white jersey striped horizontally with red bands, a white apron, and a thin moustache[otherwise]Auguste[end if] stands here, [if every chef-fetch-quest-item is on the countertop]sharpening a knife[otherwise]wringing his hands[end if]."  The description is "[if the French chef is proper-named]Auguste[otherwise]The chef[end if] paces here.  He wears a white jersey striped with red horizontal bands, a white apron and a tall white hat."  Understand "Escoffier", "cook", "Frenchman", "man", "Gallic", "gaul", and "frog" as the French chef.  The printed name is "chef".  The indefinite article is "the".  The conversation of the French chef is the Table of Chefly Chatter.  The default reply of the French chef is "The chef gives a Gallic shrug-and-sneer."  Understand "Auguste" and "Escoffier" as the French chef when the French chef is proper-named.
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off the French chef, say "[The French chef] leaps away, shouting '[italic type]Non![roman type]' as he does so."

The French chef's apron is worn by the French chef.  The description is "A white linen apron, stained in places with wine and sauces."  Understand "linen", "white", "wine", "sauce", "sauces", "stain", "stained", "stains", and "wines" as the French chef's apron.  Does the player mean doing something with the French chef's apron: it is very unlikely.

The French chef's jersey is worn by the French chef.  The description is "The jersey is a traditional Gallic garment: white with broad red horizontal stripes."  Understand "white", "red", "horizontal", "stripe", "stripes", "smock", and "shirt" as the French chef's jersey.  Does the player mean doing something with the French chef's jersey: it is unlikely.

The French chef's hat is worn by the French chef.  The description is "This is a traditional white chef's hat, high, with a puffy crown."  Understand "chef's", "high", "puffy", "white", and "crown" as the French chef's hat.  Does the player mean doing something with the French chef's hat: it is unlikely.

The French chef's moustache is part of the French chef.  The description is "A neatly-curled thin, dark moustache."  Understand "neat", "neatly", "curled", "curly", "dark", "black", "stache", and "mustache" as the French chef's moustache.

Before asking the French chef about something:
	if the topic understood matches "Auguste/Escoffier/chef/French/cook/gaul", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "French chef", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "Auguste Escoffier", replace the topic understood with "himself";
	if the topic understood matches "himself" and the French chef is not proper-named
	begin;
		now the French chef is proper-named;
		now the printed name of the French chef is "Auguste";
	end if.		

Table of Chefly Chatter
topic	reply	summary		turn stamp
"himself"	"'[italic type]Mon ami[roman type], my name is Auguste.  I have been chef to Vergil for six years now.'"	"his name is Auguste and he has been Vergil's chef for six years"	a number
"Syra"	"[The French chef] thrusts his hips, winks extravagantly, and chuckles lewdly and Gallicly.  '[italic type]Hnnnh hnnnh hnnnh![roman type]' he leers."	"he appears to have known Syra"	--
"Vergil/Virgil/Publius/Vergilius/Maro/poet/master" or "Publius Vergilius Maro"	"'Perhaps one day, his poetry will make him famous.  Who can say?'"	"he appears ambivalent about Vergil's chances at poetic success"	--
"lunch/food/dinner/meal/repast"	"[The French chef] looks angry.  'I sent [the scullery maid] off to get the ingredients hours ago.  She never returned, the lazy slut.  Perhaps, [italic type]mon petit chou[roman type], you could help.  I require a decent bottle of wine, a fowl[if the duck_call is visible][emdash]that duck call might be useful[emdash][otherwise], [end if]and some chestnuts with which to stuff the bird.'"	"he would like you to fetch him a bottle of wine, a bird, and some chestnuts, since his sous-chef Ulpia has gone missing.  He also called you a cabbage, for reasons, one presumes, of his own"	--
"cabbage/chou/mon/petit" or "mon petit chou" or "petit chou"	"[The French chef] shrugs.  'A nothing.  A meaningless term of endearment, cupcake.'"	"[italic type]mon petit chou[roman type] is just a term of endearment for him."	--
"cupcake"	"[The French chef] rolls his eyes.  'It is nothing, [italic type]mon petit chou[roman type].'"	"cupcake is one of his terms of endearment"	--
"Ulpia/maid/woman/sous-chef/lazy/slut" or "lazy slut"	"'She is useless!  I don't know why the master keeps her on!'"	"he does not care for [the scullery maid]"	--
"door/key/stout/barred/cellar" or "wine cellar"	"'I do not know where the key has gone.  Perhaps the lazy maid is holding it.'"	"maybe [the scullery maid] possesses the wine cellar key"	--
"moonmilk/moon/milk/moon-milk"	"'It is not good for a man in my profession to speak to animals, Monseiur.'"	"he believes that moonmilk does grant the power to understand animals' speech, and wants no part of it."	--

Instead of showing or giving a chef-fetch-quest-item to the French chef:
	say "[The French chef] takes [the noun] from you, nods fractionally, and sets [it-them] on the countertop.";
	move the noun to the countertop.
	
After putting a chef-fetch-quest-item on the countertop for the first time:
	say "[The French chef] briefly examines [the noun] and signals his approval with a curt nod."
	
Before taking a chef-fetch-quest-item: 
	if the noun is on the countertop
	begin;
		say "[The French chef] fixes you with a glare.  'Leave [the noun] alone, please, monsieur.  I need [it-them] to prepare your lunch.'";
		stop the action;
	end if.

	
Instead of showing or giving the cheap_wine to the French chef:
	say "[The French chef] takes [the noun] from you.  He studies the bottle, and then removes the stopper.  He sniffs the wine, grimaces, takes a swig, spits it into the sink, and ostentatiously pours the rest of the bottle after it.  '[italic type]Merde[roman type],' he pronounces definitively[if the cheap_wine is warned_about].  'Monsieur,' he explains, 'you will have to search harder to find a bottle that is drinkable.  Perhaps it will be necessary to descend somewhat deeper into the stores, and explore more carefully.'  He places a finger alongside his nose in the Gallic manner[end if].";
	now the cheap_wine is warned_about;
	remove the cheap_wine from play.
	
Instead of showing or giving the ancient bottle to the French chef:
	say "[The French chef] takes [the noun] from you.  He brushes away some of the niter, and his eyes bug out a little.  He reverently removes the stopper and sniffs the wine.  Then [the French chef] shudders in ecstasy.  '[italic type]Mon dieu[roman type],' he whispers.  He gently sets the wine on the countertop, and smiles at you.  'Well done, monsieur.  Well done.'";
	move the noun to the countertop.
	
Instead of giving or showing the cellar key to the French chef:
	say "'Better you should have it than that lazy slattern,' opines [the French chef]."

Instead of showing or giving something to the French chef:
	say "[The French chef] waves [the noun] away impatiently."
	
Instead of putting the cheap_wine on the countertop:
	try giving the cheap_wine to the French chef.
	
Instead of putting the ancient bottle on the countertop:
	try giving the ancient bottle to the French chef.
	
Part Three - "Cellars"

Pantry is a room.  It is east of Kitchen.  The description is "Dim light trickles from the stairs and a few lightwells, barely illuminating this room, which is cluttered with barrels and boxes of supplies.  Stairs, leading up to the kitchen, rise to the west.  A shadowy nook is to the south behind a parapet of barrels, and the cellar continues north.  A stout door [if stout door is open]stands open[otherwise]bars the way[end if] to the east."  Instead of going up in the Pantry, try going west.  Instead of going down in the Pantry, try going east.

Some lightwells are scenery in the pantry.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "lightwell", "well", "wells", "bar", "bars", "barred", "grate", and "light" as lightwells.  The description is "A little light enters through barred grates in the floors of the rooms above."

Some foodstuffs are a backdrop in the pantry.  They are in the Shadowy Nook.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Boxes and barrels of foodstuffs: spices, flour, amphorae of olive oil, pickles, jam, all sorts of long-keeping comestibles."  Understand "box", "barrel", "spice", "spices", "cinnamon", "supply", "supplies", "food", "foodstuff", "stuff", "boxes", "barrels", "parapet", "amphora", "amphorae", "pickle", "pickles", "olive", "olives", "comestible", "comestibles", "long-keeping", "preserved", "preserves", "jam", "jelly", "jellies", "jellied", "crate", and "crates" as foodstuffs.  Instead of taking foodstuffs, say "Perhaps you ought to see what the chef makes out of them instead."  Some foodstuffs can be edible.  They are edible.  Instead of eating foodstuffs, say "It would be the height of rudeness to nosh away in your host's pantry."  Instead of smelling foodstuffs, say "Most of the food is dried or pickled, so it doesn't smell like much.  You're pretty sure you found the cinnamon, though."  Instead of touching or searching foodstuffs, say "You probably shouldn't paw through Vergil's food storage."

The stout door is a door.  It is east of Pantry and west of Wine Cellar.  It is closed and locked.  It is scenery.  The description is "It's a stout door of some dark, heavy wood[emdash]walnut, perhaps[emdash]with black iron bands and a small keyhole."  Understand "oak", "barred", "keyhole", "thick", "heavy", "wood", "wooden", "small", "brown", "black", "dark", "walnut", "band", and "bands" as the stout door.  The matching key of the stout door is the cellar key.

After closing the stout door:
	now the Wine Cellar is dark;
	now the Dim Alcove is dark;
	continue the action.
	
After deciding the scope of the player when the location is the Wine Cellar:
	place the stout door in scope.
	
After opening the stout door:
	now the Wine Cellar is lit;
	now the Dim Alcove is lit;
	if the location is the Wine Cellar
	begin;
		say "As the door opens, a little light trickles through.";
		now the stout door is open;
		stop the action;
	end if;
	continue the action.

The cellar key is a thing.  It is in Limbo.  The description is "This is a small bronze skeleton key, with 'MARO' engraved on the shaft."  Understand "small", "bronze", "skeleton", "shaft", and "maro" as the cellar key.  The indefinite article is "the".

Shadowy Nook is a room.  It is south of Pantry.  The description is "This nook is nearly lightless, a small semicircular bit of floor half-hidden behind some barrels."

The filthy mattress is a supporter in Shadowy Nook.  Understand "dirty", "dingy", "lumpy", "futon", "stain", "stained", "stinky", "smelly", "reeking", and "nasty" as the filthy mattress.  The description is "It is just a dingy, dirty, lumpy mattress, streaked with filth and badly stained."  Check taking the filthy mattress: instead say "It's too bulky to easily move."  Instead of smelling the mattress, say "It reeks of sex and less-pleasant odors."  Instead of looking under the filthy mattress, say "It appears to be stuck to the floor.  Ick."  The filthy mattress can be enterable.  It is enterable.  Before entering the filthy mattress when the player is not on the filthy mattress, say "It is with grave misgivings that you lower yourself onto the filthy mattress[if the scullery maid is on the filthy mattress].  [The scullery maid] obligingly scoots over to make room for you[end if]."  Does the player mean doing something with the filthy mattress: it is unlikely.

Rule for writing a paragraph about the filthy mattress:
	if the scullery maid is on the filthy mattress
	begin;
		say "A tousled and dirty woman, wearing [if a garment is worn by the scullery maid][a random garment worn by the scullery maid][otherwise]not a stitch[end if], sprawls drunkenly on a filthy mattress.";
		now the scullery maid is mentioned;
	otherwise;
		say "A filthy mattress lies here on the floor.";
		now the filthy mattress is mentioned;
	end if. 

Root Cellar is a room.  It is north of Pantry.  The description is "The ceiling lowers here, and you have to stoop.  This is a rougly-dug cave with a brick floor.  Rough wooden bins hold mounds of tubers and roots.  The cellar widens out to the south."

Some wooden bins are scenery in the Root Cellar.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "bin", "wood", "rough", "dried", "tuber", "tubers", "roots", "heap", "heaps", "mound", "mounds", "pile", "piles", "root", "dry" as the wooden bins.  Instead of taking the wooden bins, say "Perhaps you ought to see what the chef makes out of them instead."  The description is "Winter kept us warm, covering / Earth in forgetful snow, feeding / A little life with dried tubers[81 as a reference]."

Some potatos are scenery in the root cellar.  They are ambiguously plural.  Understand "potato", "potatos", and "potatoes" as the potatos.  The printed name is "potatoes".  ["Potatoes" is actually more correct for the plural, and sets up the singular for the following gag.]  The description is "The potato is a New World food, and therefore not present in this root cellar."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the potatos, try examining the potatos. [ We also steal warned_about for whether or not we have ever heard the duck speak. ]

The potatoe is scenery in the Root Cellar.  The description is "Nice spelling, Mister Quayle[48 as a footnote]."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the potatoe, try examining the potatoe. [ We use the potatoe's warned_about for the flag that gives us the more explicit moonmilk prayer hint. ]

Check searching the wooden bins:
	if the wooden bins are not warned_about
	begin;
		now the wooden bins are warned_about;
		say "With a clatter, an incongruous withered low-brass instrument topples to the floor.";
		move the dried tuba to the location;
		stop the action;
	end if.

The dried tuba is a thing.  The description is "This is a large, dessicated low-brass instrument, dehydrated, withered, and spotted.  You can't for the life of you imagine what it's doing here."  Does the player mean doing something with the dried tuba: it is very unlikely.  Understand "incongruous", "large", "big", "withered", "dessicated", "brass", "low-brass", "dry", "low", "spotted", "instrument", and "musical" as the dried tuba.  The printed name is "dessicated low-brass instrument".
Check taking the dried tuba:
	say "Oh.  My mistake.  For 'dried tuba,' read 'dried tuber' throughout[82 as a reference].";
	remove the dried tuba from play;
	stop the action.

The rough_cellar_brick_floor is a floor_scenery in the Root Cellar.  It is in the Pantry, the Wine Cellar, and the Shadowy Nook.  The description is "Rough red bricks, set into the earth, form a serviceable if rustic floor."  The printed name is "brick floor".  Understand "brick", "floor", "rough", "red", "cellar", "bricks", and "earth" as the rough_cellar_brick_floor.  Does the player mean doing something with the rough_cellar_brick_floor: it is unlikely.  Instead of searching the rough_cellar_brick_floor, say "Although it it possible that some of the bricks are loose, and also possible that something interesting might be hidden under one or more of them, after a few moments of scraping your fingers trying to pull up the rather well-mortared floor, you desist."

The root_cellar_ceiling is a sky_scenery in the Root Cellar.  The description is "The packed-earth ceiling is uncomfortably close."  Instead of touching the root_cellar_ceiling, say "Cold and damp."  Instead of smelling the root_cellar_ceiling, say "It smells of wet earth."  Instead of doing anything other than examining, touching, or smelling with the root_cellar_ceiling, say "That proves unhelpful."  Understand "ceiling", "wet", "earth", "damp", "dirt", "packed", and "packed-earth" as the root_cellar_ceiling.  The printed name is "ceiling".

Part Four - "Ulpia"

The scullery maid is a woman on the filthy mattress.  The description is "[The scullery maid] peers blearily around.  Her face is smeared with dirt, her hair is tangled and matted, and she reeks of cheap wine.  She [if a garment is worn by the scullery maid]wears [a random garment worn by the scullery maid][otherwise]is naked[end if]."  She is not proper-named.  The printed name is "scullery maid".  Understand "tousled", "sprawling", "smeared", "woman", "girl", "scullery", "maid", "slattern", "slatternly", "dirty", "grubby", "drunk", "drunken", "slut", "lazy", and "sous-chef" as the scullery maid.  Does the player mean doing something with the scullery maid: it is likely.  Instead of smelling the scullery maid, say "She smells of dirt and cheap wine."  Understand "Ulpia" as the scullery maid when the scullery maid is proper-named.  The default reply of the scullery maid is "[The scullery maid] blinks owlishly and uncomprehendingly."  The conversation of the scullery maid is the Table of Ulpian Chatter.

Before asking the scullery maid about something:
	if the topic understood matches "Ulpia/maid/sous-chef/drunk/drunken/lazy/slattern/scullery/slut", replace the topic understood with "herself";
	if the topic understood matches "scullery maid", replace the topic understood with "herself";
	if the topic understood matches "lazy slut", replace the topic understood with "herself";
	if the topic understood matches "herself" and the scullery maid is not proper-named
	begin;
		now the scullery maid is proper-named;
		now the printed name of the scullery maid is "Ulpia";
	end if.			
	
Instead of kissing the scullery maid:
	say "[The scullery maid] kisses you vigorously.  She tastes of sour wine."

Instead of fucking the scullery maid:
	if the scullery maid is boinked
	begin;
		say "[The scullery maid] writhes langorously, and says, 'I think I'm done for now, thanks.'";
	otherwise;
		if the stiffycock is not visible
		begin;
			say "'Aren't you a little overdressed?' asks [the scullery maid].";
		otherwise;
			if a garment is worn by the scullery maid
			begin;
				say "'Aren't I a little overdressed?' asks [the scullery maid].";
			otherwise;
				say "'Do me doggy-style!' squeaks [the scullery maid], assuming the appropriate position.  You [run paragraph on]";
				if the player is not on the filthy mattress
				begin;
					say "drop [run paragraph on]";
				otherwise;
					say "get [run paragraph on]";
					try silently exiting;
				end if;
				say "to your knees behind her and thrust into her moist pussy.  Of all the times you've ever boned a slatternly servant on a reeking mattress, this is certainly one of them.  Both of you reach a moderately satisfying climax at about the same time, and she giggles as you wipe your dick [run paragraph on]";
				if the grubby tunic is visible
				begin;
					say "on her tunic before you toss it back to her [run paragraph on]";
					now the grubby tunic is worn by the scullery maid;
				otherwise;
					say "in her greasy hair [run paragraph on]";
				end if;
				say "and stand up.";
				record "Ulpia" as achieved;
				now the scullery maid is boinked;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if.
				
				

The grubby tunic is a garment worn by the scullery maid.  The description is "The tunic is stained with grime and splashed wine."  Understand "crusty", "dirty", "filthy", "grimy", "wine", "splash", "splashed", "stained", "stains", and "nasty" as the grubby tunic.
	
This is the fancy-removing rule:
	if the noun is the grubby tunic, continue the action;
	if the noun is the simple white tunic, continue the action;
	if the noun is the golden sandals, continue the action;
	abide by the can't remove from people rule.

The fancy-removing rule is listed instead of the can't remove from people rule in the check removing it from rulebook.

Before taking the grubby tunic:
	if the grubby tunic is worn by the scullery maid
	begin;
		if the scullery maid is unboinked
		begin;
			say "[The scullery maid] nods enthusiastically.  'Here, let me help you with that,' she says, shrugging out of the tunic.";
			now the grubby tunic is held by the player;
			stop the action;
		otherwise;
			say "[The scullery maid] smiles, but resists your attempts to undress her.";
			stop the action;
		end if;
	end if.
	
Before taking off the grubby tunic:
	if the grubby tunic is worn by the scullery maid, instead try silently taking the grubby tunic.
	
Before removing the grubby tunic from the scullery maid:
	instead try silently taking the grubby tunic.
	
Instead of giving the grubby tunic to the scullery maid:
	if the scullery maid is boinked
	begin;
		say "'Thanks,' says [the scullery maid], as she slips the tunic back on.";
		now the grubby tunic is worn by the scullery maid;
	otherwise;
		say "'Thanks,' says [the scullery maid], 'but we have some unfinished business.'  She drops the tunic on the floor.";
		move the grubby tunic to the location;
	end if.
	
Instead of showing the grubby tunic to the scullery maid:
	if the scullery maid is boinked, instead try giving the grubby tunic to the scullery maid;
	say "'Thanks,' says [the scullery maid], 'but we have some unfinished business.'"

The scullery maid's hair is part of the scullery maid.  The description is "Ratty dark-brown hair is tangled around [the scullery maid]'s head."  Understand "ratty", "brownish", "dark", "brown", and "dark-brown" as the scullery maid's hair.  Instead of smelling the scullery maid's hair, try smelling the scullery maid.

The scullery maid's lips are part of the scullery maid.  The description is "[The scullery maid]'s lips are narrow and pink."  Understand "narrow", "pink", "lip", and "mouth" as the scullery maid's lips.  Instead of kissing or sucking the scullery maid's lips, try kissing the scullery maid.  

The scullery maid's eyes are part of the scullery maid.  The description is "[The scullery maid] has bloodshot, bleary, black, beady eyes."  Understand "eye", "black", "blood", "bloodshot", "bloody", "bleary", and "beady" as the scullery maid's eyes.

The scullery maid's nose is part of the scullery maid.  The description is "[The scullery maid]'s nose is thin and sharply-pointed."  Understand "thin", "sharply", "sharply-pointed", and "pointed" as the scullery maid's nose.  Instead of fucking, sucking, or blowing the scullery maid's nose, say "'Eeeagh!' she shrieks, swatting you away."

The scullery maid's tits are things.  The description is "She has small but shapely tits surmounted by pink nipples."  Understand "chest", "small", "shapely", "nipple", "nipples", "breast", "tit", "breasts", "hooter", "hooters", "boob", "pink", and "boobs" as the scullery maid's tits.  Instead of fucking the scullery maid's tits:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "'They're too small.  It'll never work,'  [the scullery maid] says.  She's right."
Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, or blowing the scullery maid's tits, say "[The scullery maid] writhes and moans, and then suggests, 'Just put it in already!'"
Instead of smelling the scullery maid's tits, try smelling the scullery maid.

The scullery maid's pussy is a vagina.  It is part of the scullery maid.  The description is "Her pussy is covered in wiry black hair.  Her inner labia are protuberant and chewed-looking."  Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, kissing, wanking off, or blowing the scullery maid's pussy, try touching the scullery maid's tits.  Instead of smelling the scullery maid's pussy for the first time, say "Phew!  You won't be doing that again."  Instead of smelling the scullery maid's pussy, say "Once was plenty."  Understand "wiry", "dark", "black", "curly", "pubic", "pubes", "public hair", "labia", "chewed", "chewed-looking", "protuberant", and "inner" as the scullery maid's pussy.

The scullery maid's asshole is an anus.  It is part of the scullery maid.  The description is "Her anus is tucked away underneath her.  You can't reach it.  Given the way the rest of her smells, probably just as well, really."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scullery maid's asshole, try examining the scullery maid's asshole.

The scullery maid's legs are part of the scullery maid.  The description is "Her legs are muscular, although dirty and scratched."  Understand "thigh", "thighs", "calf", "calves", "feet", "foot", "muscular", "dirty", and "scratched" as the scullery maid's legs.  Instead of kissing, touching, rubbing, sucking, or blowing the scullery maid's legs, say "[The scullery maid] regards you curiously.  'Not really my kink,' she opines, 'but if it makes you happy, feel free, I guess.'"  Instead of smelling the scullery maid's legs, try smelling the scullery maid.

Before asking the scullery maid about something:
	if the scullery maid is boinked
	begin;
		if the topic understood matches "door/key/stout/barred/cellar", replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
		if the topic understood matches "wine cellar",  replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	end if;
	if the topic understood matches "#fake1" and the scullery maid is not warned_about
	begin;
		now the scullery maid is warned_about;
		say "[The scullery maid] nods.  'Well, you [italic type]have[roman type] pleased me.  So I'll let you have the key.'  She langorously reaches for a brick on the floor near her bed, which turns out to be loose.  She flicks a small bronze key from underneath it.  The key skitters on the ground.";
		move the cellar key to the location;
		stop the action;
	end if;
	if the topic understood matches "#fake1", replace the topic understood with "key".
	
Table of Ulpian Chatter
topic	reply	summary		turn stamp
"Syra"	"'Oh, what fun she was.  And that nose!'"	"she has fond memories of Syra"	a number
"me/myself/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Mentula" or "Gaius Macanus Mentula"	"'You'll do.'"	"you have been judged and found adequate"	--
"herself/maid/scullery/Ulpia/woman/girl/lady/slut"	"'My name's Ulpia[if the scullery maid is unboinked], and I need a good dickin[apostrophe][end if].'"	"her name is Ulpia"	--
"Vergil/Virgil/Publius/Vergilius/Maro/poet/master" or "Publius Vergilius Maro"	"'I don't know why he keeps me around.  I'm a lazy slut, and he hardly ever takes advantage of me.'"	"she recognizes her shortcomings as a maid, and finds that Vergil rarely uses her other services"	--
"wine/bottle" or "bottle of wine"	"'I've drunk most of it, but there're still a few bottles left in the cellar.'"	"she hasn't drunk quite [italic type]all[roman type] of Vergil's wine"	--
"door/key/stout/barred/cellar" or "wine cellar"	"'Wine cellar's locked.  I know where the key is.  You'll never find it.  Not unless I tell you where it is.  Which I might do, if you please me.'"	"she knows where the cellar key is, but you'll have to earn that knowledge"	--
"chef/Auguste/Escoffier/cook/frog/Frenchman/French" or "French chef" or "Auguste Escoffier"	"'He's a dickhead.'"	"she doesn't like the chef"	--

Part Five - "Deep Cellars"

Wine Cellar is a room.  It is east of the stout door and west of Dim Alcove.  "The wine cellar is little more than a dark grotto.  A stout door [if the stout door is open]opens to the[otherwise]bars the way[end if] west, and a dank natural passage descends to the east.  Racks of wine line the walls."  

Instead of going down in Wine Cellar, try going east.  Instead of going up in Wine Cellar, try going west.

Scenery_cheap_wine is scenery in the Wine Cellar.  The printed name is "racks of wine".  The description is "There are many bottles of wine here; they are indistinguishable to you."   Does the player mean doing something with the scenery_cheap_wine: it is unlikely.  Instead of tasting the scenery_cheap_wine, say "It would be rude to simply raid your host's cellar."  Instead of smelling the scenery_cheap_wine, say "It smells like a dusty bottle."  Understand "wine", "bottle", "red", "bottles", "cheap", "dusty", "rack", and "racks" as the scenery_cheap_wine.  It is ambiguously plural.  

Sanity-check drinking the scenery_cheap_wine:
	Follow the taking_cheap_wine rule;
	instead try eating the cheap_wine.

Sanity-check eating the scenery_cheap_wine:
	Follow the taking_cheap_wine rule;
	instead try eating the cheap_wine.
	
Instead of taking the scenery_cheap_wine:
	Follow the taking_cheap_wine rule.
	
This is the taking_cheap_wine rule:
	if the cheap_wine is held by the player, instead say "You already have a bottle.  Don't be greedy.";
	remove the cheap_wine from play;
	move the cheap_wine to the player;
	say "You take a bottle of wine at random from the rack."
	
Some cheap_wine is a thing.  It is ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "random bottle of wine".  The description of the cheap_wine is "This is a bottle of wine.  You really can't say much more about it."  Some cheap_wine can be openable.  It is openable.  Some cheap_wine can be edible.  It is edible.  Some cheap_wine can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  Instead of eating the cheap_wine, say "You feel that drinking your way through your host's cellar uninvited would be rude."  Instead of tasting the cheap_wine, try eating the cheap_wine.  Instead of drinking the cheap_wine, try eating the cheap_wine.  Instead of opening the cheap_wine, try eating the cheap_wine.  Instead of smelling the cheap_wine, say "It smells like a dusty bottle, since it is closed."  Understand "wine", "random", "bottle", "bottles", "cheap", "red", "bottle of wine", "bottles of wine", and "plonk" as cheap_wine.  Does the player mean doing something with the cheap_wine: it is likely.

Dim Alcove is a room.  It is east of Wine Cellar.  Instead of going up in Dim Alcove, try going west.  The description is "Only a tiny bit of light dribbles in from the wine cellar above and to the west.  Thick curtains of moonmilk drape the walls and the muddy limestone floor."

Some moonmilk is scenery in Dim Alcove.  Some moonmilk can be edible.  It is edible.  Some moonmilk can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  Instead of drinking the moonmilk, try eating the moonmilk.  Understand "moon", "wall", "walls", "milk", "curtain", "flow", "drapery", "cellar", "alcove", "dim", "shadowy", "dark", "darkness", "curtains", "drape", "drapes", and "moon-milk" as moonmilk.  The description is "Moonmilk is a calcite deposit, with the appearance and consistency of cottage cheese, often found in caves.  Although it looks like cottage cheese, it[if moonmilk is warned_about] tastes[otherwise]'s said to taste[end if] considerably worse[49 as a footnote].  Unlike cottage cheese, it[if some potatos are warned_about]grants[otherwise]'s supposed to grant[end if] the power to understand animals[apostrophe] speech if you eat it.  The moonmilk in here drapes the walls and covers the floor, leaving you to wonder what might be hidden under its strange bulges."  Instead of doing anything other than examining, eating, drinking, or searching with the moonmilk, say "That wouldn't be very productive, although it might be messy."  Instead of looking under the moonmilk, try searching the moonmilk.  

Sanity-check eating moonmilk:
	if moonmilk is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "You scoop up a little moonmilk with your finger, and taste it.  It's almost exactly like eating chalk.  Yuck.";
		now moonmilk is warned_about;
	otherwise;
		say "Yuck.  No thank you.  Once was enough.";
	end if;
	stop the action.	
Before searching moonmilk for the first time:
	say "You find an ancient and niter-encrusted bottle well-hidden behind a flow of moonmilk.";
	move the ancient bottle to the location;
	stop the action.
	

The rough_limestone_floor is a floor_scenery in the Dim Alcove.  The description is "Muddy limestone forms the floor of the alcove."  The printed name is "limestone".  Understand "limestone", "floor", "rough", "mud", "cellar", "muddy", and "alcove" as the rough_limestone_floor.  Does the player mean doing something with the rough_limestone_floor: it is unlikely.  Instead of searching the rough_limestone_floor, try searching the moonmilk.

The ancient bottle is a chef-fetch-quest-item.  Understand "wine", "bottle", "ancient", "red", "bottle of wine", "nitre", "niter", "rime", "rimed", "crust", "encrusted", "crusty", and "antique" as the ancient bottle.  "An ancient bottle of wine, rimed with niter, is barely visible behind a drapery of moonmilk."  The description is "This is an antique bottle of wine, encrusted with niter."  The ancient bottle can be openable.  It is openable.  The ancient bottle can be edible.  It is edible.  The ancient bottle can be drinkable.  It is drinkable.  Instead of eating the ancient bottle, say "You are pretty sure you should just present this to the chef instead."  Instead of opening the ancient bottle, try eating the ancient bottle.  Instead of drinking the ancient bottle, try eating the ancient bottle.  Does the player mean doing something with the ancient bottle: it is very likely.

Book Five - "Duck"

The duck is a female animal.  She is in Limbo.  "An emaciated duck waddles dejectedly here.  She stares at you with limpid brown eyes."  The description of the duck is "The duck looks as if she's seen much better days.  She is bedraggled, very skinny, and quite listless."  The duck has a horniness.  The duck is unaroused.  Understand "Anas" and "duck" as the duck when the duck is proper-named.  Understand "bedraggled", "emaciated", "dejected", and "listless" as the duck when the duck is not warned_about.  Understand "plump", "juicy", "fat", "fattened", "shiny", "attractive", "vain", and "scrumptious" as the duck when the duck is warned_about.  Understand "duck", "brown", "limpid", and "female" as the duck.  She is speakable.  The conversation of the duck is the Table of Duckly Chatter.  The default reply of the duck is "'Oh!  Woe is me!'"  She is edible.  Does the player mean doing something with the duck: it is very likely.

Sanity-check eating the duck:
	if the moonmilk is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "[The duck] evades your clashing teeth and stares at you in disbelief.";
	otherwise;
		say "[The duck] rolls her eyes.  'Humanely killed and cooked first, please.  Were you raised in a barn?  Don't answer that.'";
	end if;
	stop the action.

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off the duck:
	if the moonmilk is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "[The duck] flaps hurriedly away from you.  'Quack!' she exclaims indignantly.";
	otherwise;
		say "[The duck] rolls her eyes.  'I'm saving myself for Jupiter, you filthy pervert.  Now hurry up and eat me.'";
	end if.
	
Instead of fucking the duck:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	say "You, sir, are no Henry Miller[if the duck is horny][50 as a footnote][end if].";

Check taking the duck:
	if the moonmilk is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "'Quack!' exclaims the duck, flapping her wings indignantly.";
	otherwise;
		say "'I'll follow you,' says [the duck], 'Leave me a little shred of my dignity, please.'";
	end if.

Instead of giving the duckweed to the duck:
	if the duck is unaroused
	begin;
		if the moonmilk is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "The duck stretches her neck towards the duckweed eagerly.  Yet, as her beak approaches it, her head is wrenched away as if by an invisible hand.  'Quack!' exclaims the duck indignantly.  'Quack!  Quack quack quack!'";
		otherwise;
			say "The duck looks at you.  'I don't think that's going to work,' she says in a resigned tone.  'I'll try, but I'm pretty sure the curse will prevent me from eating of my own free will.  But it looks [italic type]so[roman type] yummy!'  She stretches her neck eagerly towards the duckweed, but as her beak approaches it, her head is wrenched to the side as if by an invisible hand.  'ARGH!' screams the duck in frustration.  'Can't do it.'";
		end if;
	otherwise;
		if the duck is not warned_about
		begin;
			say "Having heard [the duck]'s story, you know that she cannot eat of her own volition.  So you grab her head with one hand, and, forcing her beak open, cram duckweed down her gullet.  She seems to plump up before your very eyes.  'Oh, joy!' she exclaims, preening herself.  'That's much better!  Look at how plump and juicy my breast is now!  Let's go see about getting me killed and eaten now.'";
			remove the duckweed from play;
			now the description of the duck is "The duck is plump and her feathers shine.  Really, she's one of the most attractive fowl you've every seen.";
			now the duck is warned_about;
			now the duck is handled;
		otherwise;
			say "The duck says 'I'm full, thanks.  No need to ruin my girlish figure.  Too fat is almost as bad as too skinny.'";
		end if;
	end if.
	

Before asking the duck about something:
	if the moonmilk is not warned_about, instead say "The duck, with great conviction and passion, replies 'Quack!  Quack quack quack!'";
	if the topic understood matches "anas" and the duck is horny, replace the topic understood with "duck";
	if the topic understood matches "duck/herself/hera/juno/jupiter/jove/zeus/curse/duckweed/weed/woe/food"
	begin;
		now the duck is horny; [ Just an unused property, people.  Calm down. ]
		now the duck is proper-named;
		now the printed name of the duck is "Anas";
	end if;
	continue the action.
	
Table of Duckly Chatter
topic	reply	summary		turn stamp	
"duck/herself/itself/hera/juno/jupiter/jove/zeus/curse/duckweed/weed/woe/food"	"'Oh, mine is a tale of woe!  For once I was merely Anas, a pretty little duck maiden.  Then Jupiter spied me at my ablutions and desired me, and thus, transforming himself into the form of a mighty mallard drake, did disport with me, and promised me everlasting bliss as his bathtub toy in the hallowed halls of Olympus.  And then, as he was giving me, er, oral pleasure...' (she blushes prettily, a strange sight on a duck) '...that thrice-damned bitch-cunt Juno arrived, and, sneering nastily, said that that was all very well, and since obviously I was fine eating, that then I should not go to Olympus until I had first arrived on someone's table.  But to make [italic type]that[roman type] more difficult, she cursed me to neither require food nor to age, but also to be unable to eat of my own free will, so that I might waste away and be unappetizing for anyone's repast.  So now, I am doomed to wander the earth, always starving, never eating, until some kind soul,' she bats her eyelashes at you, 'takes pity on me and fattens me up for the dinner table.'"	"she needs to be fattened up and served for dinner to break Juno's curse on her"	--
"Syra"	"'I watched her entertain half a legion not far from here.'"	"she saw Syra engaged in a legendary feat of sluttiness"	--
"me/myself/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Mentula" or "Gaius Macanus Mentula"	"'Oh, please sir, [if the duck is not warned_about]fatten me up and [end if]eat me!  I beg you!'"	"she desires to be eaten by you"	--

Table of Duckly Perambulation
mode			
"waddles"
"wobbles"
"totters"
"shambles"
"meanders"

Volume Nineteen - "Stiffy Storms Heaven"

Book One - "Mechanisms"

Olympic Slopes is a region in Macedonia.  A mountain room is a kind of room.  A mountain room has a number called the chill factor.  The chill factor of a mountain room is usually 15.

Stiffy Storms Heaven is a recurring scene.  Stiffy Storms Heaven begins when the location is in Olympic Slopes.  Stiffy Storms Heaven ends when the location is not in Olympic Slopes.

When Stiffy Storms Heaven begins:
	now the coldness of Stiffy Makane is 0.
	
When Stiffy Storms Heaven ends:
	if the coldness of Stiffy Makane is greater than 0, say "Warmth seeps back into your bones, and your chill soon evaporates.";
	now the coldness of Stiffy Makane is 0.

Every turn during Stiffy Storms Heaven:
	increase the coldness of Stiffy Makane by the chill factor of the location;
	repeat with G running through garments worn by Stiffy Makane
	begin;
		decrease the coldness of Stiffy Makane by the warmth of G;
	end repeat;
	let C be the coldness of Stiffy Makane;
	if C > 0 and C < 50, say "You're a little bit chilly.";
	if C > 49 and C < 100, say "Your teeth are chattering, and you are shivering with the cold.";
	if C > 99 and C < 150, say "Your extremities are numb with the cold, and every motion is torment.";
	if C > 149 and C < 190, say "You are staggering and stumbling with the cold.  Your frozen brain manages to point out to you that you are in an extremely dangerous predicament.";
	if C > 189, end the story saying "You have frozen to death."


Olympic_cloud_scenery is sky_scenery.  It is in Olympic Ridge, Saddle, Southern Peak, Skolio, Scala, Cirque, and Perilous Ledge.  The description is "Dense cloud shrouds everything in icy white fog.  Frigid wind knifes through you, chilling any exposed skin."  Understand "sky", "clouds", "cloud", "dense", "icy", "fog", "frigid", "cold", "wind", and "white" as Olympic_cloud_scenery.  The printed name is "cloud".

Snowcover is a backdrop.  It is in Olympic Ridge, Saddle, Southern Peak, Skolio, Scala, Cirque, and Perilous Ledge.  The description is "Treacherous patches of ice and snow crunch and crackle underfoot."  Understand "ice", "snow", "cover", "treacherous", "patches", "crunch", "cruncy", "crackle", "crackly", and "ground" as snowcover.  The printed name is "snow cover".

Test climbing with "n / n / w".

Book Two - "Geography"

Near The Tree Line is a mountain room in Olympic Slopes.	It is west of Prionia.  The description is "You have come to a fork in the mountain path.  Although there are sparse trees around you, you can see that they cease not far above.  A steep trail ascends to the north, and a slightly more gentle one to the south.  The descent to the logging camp is to your east.  The cloud-shrouded summit is above you almost directly west."  Instead of going down in Near The Tree Line, try going east.  Instead of going west in Near The Tree Line, try going up.  Instead of going up in Near The Tree Line, say "Trails ascend both north and south."  Instead of going down in Near The Tree Line, try going east.  Before going south in Near The Tree Line, say "The trail follows the tree line south for a while, and then turns west and heads straight up a barren and snowy ridge into the cloudbank."

Olympic Ridge is a mountain room in Olympic Slopes.  It is south of Near The Tree Line.  The chill factor is 20.  The description is  "The wind is bitter here.  Snow crunches underfoot, and visibility is nearly zero.  The trail descends to the tree line to the north; a steep and treacherous route leads across a vast open cirque to your west occasionally visible in gaps in the fog, and the trail proceeds along the ridge to your south."  Instead of going down in Olympic Ridge, try going north.  Instead of going up in Olympic Ridge, say "Trails ascend to the west and south."
Saddle is a mountain room in Olympic Slopes.  It is south of Olympic Ridge.  "Wind whips past you, chilling your exposed flesh.  A shallow descent along a snowy ridge lies to your south; the trail drives up a steep ridge to your west, and you can descend to the north."  Before going south in Saddle, say "The trail descends for a while, reaches another saddle point, and then ascends steeply."  The chill factor is 25.  Instead of going up in Saddle, try going west.  Instead of going down in Saddle, say "Both the northern and southern trails descend."  
Southern Peak is a mountain room in Olympic Slopes.  It is south of Saddle.  The description is  "You stand atop a peak of Olympus, although, alas, not [italic type]the[roman type] peak.  The icy wind here is brutal.  The ridge dips slightly to your west and then ascends further into the cloudbank.  To your east a narrow declivity descends precipitously, and another ridgeline leads off to your north."  Instead of going up in Southern Peak, try going west.  The chill factor is 40.  Instead of going down in Southern Peak, say "The northern path descends, and so, more dramatically, does a canyon to your east."  Instead of going east in Southern Peak:
	if the walking stick is held by the player
	begin;
		say "You begin the steep descent to the east; its pitch increases quickly and before long you lose your footing in the snow.  After tumbling several hundred yards, you manage to arrest your fall with the aid of your walking stick, which, sadly, snaps while saving you.  However, you find you have nearly reached the treeline, and after a few more hours of scrambling and bushwhacking you find yourself back near the logging camp.";
		remove the walking stick from play;
		move the player to Prionia;
	otherwise;
		say "You begin the steep descent to the east; its pitch increases quickly and before long you lose your footing in the snow.  You flail your arms wildly, but are unable to stop your fall.  You tumble and tumble, and eventually plunge over a precipice to your death.";
		end the story saying "You have fallen off a mountain.";
	end if.
	
Skolio is a mountain room in Olympic Slopes.  It is west of Southern Peak.  The description is "You stand exposed on one of the summits of Olympus, the raging wind clawing at your eyeballs.  This, however, is not [italic type]the[roman type] summit.  The ridgeline descends to both your east and your north."  The chill factor is 50.  Instead of going up in Skolio, say "There's no up here."  Instead of going down in Skolio, say "Either east or west would work to descend."  Before going west in Skolio, say "The ridge descends for a little while and then begins to climb again."

Skala is a mountain room in Olympic Slopes.  It is north of Skolio.  It is west of Olympic Ridge.  The chill factor is 30.  "This is a promontory on the long ridgeline that runs east and north.  A steep ridge descends to your west as well.  The trail ascends steeply, over treacherous ground, to the north, and dips-and-then-ascends to the east."  Instead of going up in Skala, say "East and north both ascend."  Instead of going down in Skala, try going west.  Before going north in Skala:
	if the walking stick is held by the player
	begin;
		say "Several times on the ascent the talus slope begins to give way, but by planting your walking stick and vaulting aside, you manage not to be swept away.";
	otherwise;
		say "You start up the slope, but only a few dozen yards up, your footing gives way under you as the rocks begin to slide.  You try to keep your balance, but lack anything to give you better purchase, and you are crushed in the ensuing avalanche.";
		end the story saying "You have been killed in a rockslide.";
	end if;

Cirque is a mountain room in Olympic Slopes.  It is north of Near the Tree Line.  The chill factor is 25.  The description is "High up inside an enormous bowl, you are slightly sheltered from the bitter wind.  A terrifyingly steep ledge ascends to the north, and a more moderate trail climbs to your east.  A treacherous route descends to the south."  Instead of going up in Cirque, say "Both northern and southern routes ascend."  Instead of going down in Cirque, try going south.  Instead of going east in Cirque:
	say "Only a few hundred yards along the southern route, the ice underneath you suddenly gives way.  You begin to slide down the face of the snow-covered bowl.  [run paragraph on]";
	if the walking stick is held by the player
	begin;
		say "Somehow, after a terrifying tumble, you manage to jam your stick into a crevice past which you are hurtling, and although the stick snaps, you are slowed enough that you are not dashed to pieces when you cartwheel through the treeline and impact a small pine.  A few hours' limping brings you back to the logging camp.";
		remove the walking stick from play;
		move the player to Prionia;
	otherwise;
		say "You pick up inexorable speed as you fall downhill, unable to arrest your fall, until you are stopped, fatally, by the pines at the treeline.";
		end the story saying "You have been dashed to pieces on a pine tree.";
	end if.
	
Perilous Ledge is a mountain room in Olympic Slopes.  It is north of Cirque.  It is west of Saddle.  Instead of going down in Perilous Ledge, say "You could descend either south or east.".  The description is "A steep and narrow ledge descends to the south and east.  An almost vertical scramble ascends to your west.  To the north there is nothing but thousands of feet of air."  The chill factor is 35.  Instead of going up in Perilous Ledge, try going west.  Before going west in Perilous Ledge:
	if the walking stick is held by the player
	begin;
		say "With the aid of your trusty walking stick, you are able to claw your way up the icy chute.";
	otherwise;
		say "You get about a hundred yards up the icy chute, and then your frostbitten fingers slip off a handhold.  Lacking any means to arrest your fall, flailing and screaming, you cartwheel into the void below.";
		end the story saying "You have fallen to your death.";
	end if.
	
Scenery_scramble is scenery in Perilous Ledge.  The printed name is "ravine".  Scenery_scramble can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The description is "A horribly steep scramble ascends a ravine to the west, into thick clouds."  Understand "scramble", "steep", "ravine", "chute", "gully", "canyon", and "chimney" as the scenery_scramble.  Instead of entering the scenery_scramble, try going west.  Instead of climbing the scenery_scramble, try going west.  Instead of doing anything other than examining, entering, or climbing the scenery_scramble, say "About all you can do with the ravine is attempt to climb it."


Volume Twenty - "Olympus"

Good Heavens is a recurring scene.  Good Heavens begins when the player is Stiffy Makane and the location is in Olympus.  Good Heavens ends when the player is Stiffy Makane and the location is not in Olympus.

Olympic_sky_scenery is sky_scenery.  It is in Summit, Olympic Plaza, Palace Steps, and Olympic Garden.  The description is "The hot yellow sun seems almost near enough to touch.  The sky is a vivid, almost electric, blue."  Understand "sky", "sun", "yellow", "brilliant", "blue", "vivid", "electric", and "hot" as olympic_sky_scenery.

Test to-olympus with "test to-prionia / w / test climbing".

Test min-to-olympus with "test min-to-eris/test min-eris/test min-hades/test mantua / e / s / w / w / ask palinurus about thessalonica / d / test min-thessalonica / w/ test climbing".

Book One - "Summit"

Summit is a room in Olympus.  It is west of Perilous Ledge and north of Skala.  The description is "You stand at the summit of Olympus.  This small meadow is bright, warm and sunny, although a roiling cloudbank lies below you.  A bridge of crystal stretches into the sky towards the north, rising into what appears to be a collection of palaces floating, incredibly, in the sky.  A steep path descends to the south, and an almost vertical gully to the east."  Before going east in Summit:
	consider the spurning-the-goddess rule;
	if the walking stick is not held by the player
	begin;
		say "No sooner do your feet encounter the icy stones at the edge of the cloudbank than you lose your footing and plummet, screaming, to your death.";
		end the story saying "You have fallen to your death";
	otherwise;
		say "With the aid of your trusty walking stick you descend into the clouds.";
	end if.
	
Before going south in Summit:
	if the walking stick is not held by the player, instead try going east;
	consider the spurning-the-goddess rule;
	say "With the aid of your walking stick, you pick your way down the treacherous talus slope."

Instead of going up in Summit, try going north.  Instead of going down in Summit, say "Paths descend both to the south and east."

The scenery_cloudbank is scenery in Summit.  The printed name of scenery_cloudbank is "cloudbank".  Understand "storm", "stormcould", "stormclouds", "cloud", "clouds", "gray", "grey", "roiling", "bank", and "cloudbank" as the scenery_cloudbank.  The description is "Below you, gray stormclouds roil."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_cloudbank, say "The cloudbank is too far away."

The scenery_castle is scenery in Summit.  The printed name is "floating city".  Understand "floating", "city", "ornate", "palace", "palaces", "olympus", "incredible", "gods", "god", "flying", and "castle" as the scenery_castle.  The description is "Impossibly, a city of ornate palaces floats suspended in the air off to the north."
Some eskimos are scenery_figurines on the Great Table.  The name is "some random Siberian hunters".  Understand "siberian", "random", "hunter", "hunters", "eskimo", "eskimos", "esquimaux", "tribe", and "inuit" as the eskimos.  They are male.

Test olympus with "e / give banana to eris / ask eris about argus / w / w / ask anas about argus / x mosaic / g / e / n / x caesar / ask caesar about himself / ask caesar about rome / ask caesar about argus / kiss caesar / wear sunglasses / n".

Part One - "Stairway to Heaven"
	
The scenery_crystal_bridge is scenery in Summit.  The scenery_crystal_bridge can be enterable.  It is enterable.  The printed name of scenery_crystal_bridge is "crystal bridge".  The description is "A bridge of clearest crystal stretches from the mountaintop up to the city in the sky."  Understand "bridge", "crystal", "diamond", "clear", "clearest", "stairway", "staircase", "to", "rock", "hard", "rock-hard", "heaven", "led", and "zeppelin" as the scenery_crystal_bridge.  Instead of touching or rubbing the scenery_crystal_bridge, say "It's really there, and it's really rock-hard."  
Before buying the scenery_crystal_bridge for the first time:
	say "And as we wind on down the road,[line break]our shadows taller than our souls,[line break]there walks a lady we all know,[line break]who shines white light and wants to show[line break]how everything still turns to gold.[line break]And if you listen very hard,[line break]the truth will come to you at last:[line break]when all are one and one is all,[line break]To be a rock and not to roll[83 as a reference].";
	stop the action. 
	
Before buying the scenery_crystal_bridge:
	say "You are not a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold.";
	stop the action.
		
Instead of doing anything other than examining, touching, rubbing, buying, climbing, or entering the scenery_crystal_bridge, say "That's not something you can usefully do with the crystal bridge."  Instead of entering the scenery_crystal_bridge, try going north.  Instead of climbing the scenery_crystal_bridge, try going north.

Part Two - "The Last Lousy Point"

Before going north in Summit for the first time:
	consider the do-you-feel-lucky-punk rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action.
	
Before going north in Summit:
	remove the sunglasses from play;
	now the Stiffy Makane figurine is in Model_Olympus;
	if the mysterious goddess is boinked
	begin;
		move scenery_trivia to the Grand Palace;
	end if;
	if the mysterious goddess is in the location and the mysterious goddess is not boinked
	begin;
		consider the spurning-the-goddess rule;
	end if;
	remove the  Julius Caesar figurine from play; [ Since he's a god now, he's off the board....]
	now the description of the Julius Caesar figurine is "Caesar mopes, his head in his hands, on the steps of the Grand Palace in Olympus.";[No longer used]
	now the description of the Stiffy Makane figurine is "It's you!  You're wearing [a list of the garments worn by Stiffy Makane][if the Golden Banana is held by Stiffy Makane] and clutching the Golden Banana triumphantly[end if].";
	now the description of the Syra figurine is "Syra is surrounded by a mass of fur-clad Siberian hunters.";
	now the description of the mweru bird figurine is "The Mweru Bird at model scale is nothing more than a threadbare stuffed canary.".

Possible-points-by-summit is a number that varies.  Possible-points-by-summit is 17.  [If we fill in more backstory, remember to update this.]

Chapter One - "Checks and Balances"

Every turn during Good Heavens:
	if the location is the Summit and the mysterious goddess is in the location and the mysterious goddess is unaroused
	begin;
		decrease the trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess by 1;
		if the trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess is 0
		begin;
			say "'Alas, time is up,' sighs the goddess.  'What a pity.  Oh well, better luck next time.'  She kisses you on the cheek and vanishes with a small thunderclap.";
			remove the mysterious goddess from play;
		otherwise;
			if the trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess < 5
			begin;
				say "[The mysterious goddess] considers you.  'You have [trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess in words] minute[if the trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess > 1]s[end if] left to pray to me by name,' she notes.  [run paragraph on]";
				choose a random row from the Table of Trivial Hints;
				let T be the hint entry;
				say "[T].";
				blank out the whole row;
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is the Summit and the mysterious goddess is in the location and the mysterious goddess is proper-named
	begin;
		choose a row with a castmember of "Rosario Dawson" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the character entry is "Trivia";
	end if.

Table of Trivial Hints
hint
"'If you can guess my name, the whole trifecta is on the menu,' she smiles, briefly touching her fingertips to her lips, her pelvis, and her buttocks"
"'Pursuing me was quite the pastime, once upon a time,' she sighs wistfully"
"'There are those who claim I've become awfully liberal in the arts of seduction, but they're a bit less than half right,' she murmurs"
"'Did you know that the highest peak of Olympus, Mytikas, on which we now stand, is 2917 meters above sea level?' the goddess asks, irrelevantly"
"'Turn-ons: long walks on the beach, fast horses, grammar, rhetoric, and logic,' she points out, staring at you hungrily"

This is the do-you-feel-lucky-punk rule:
	if the score is less than possible-points-by-summit, rule succeeds;
	if the has-prayed-to-slot is "wrong", rule succeeds;
	[Trivia will never show up if the player has not already maxed out his conquests, or if he's prayed to the incorrect deity]
	move the mysterious goddess to the location;
	really have the parser notice the mysterious goddess;
	say "As you approach the bridge, there's a sudden 'bamf' noise, and standing before you is a beautiful dark-skinned woman.  'Hello, there, Stiffy,' she says.  'I[apostrophe]m the goddess of the Last Lousy Point, among other things.  You have impressed me with your tally of conquests so far, [run paragraph on]";
	now the mysterious goddess is warned_about;
	choose a row  with a character of "The mysterious goddess" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
	now the met entry is true;
	if the has-prayed-to-slot is "(null)"
	begin;
		say "and now all I require of you is that you pray to me by name.  If you do me that one trifling, inconsequential task,' she says, twirling her raven locks with her fingers, 'then I would be more than happy to bestow upon you the aforementioned Last Lousy Point.  I'll give you [trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess in words] minutes to figure it out.'";
		increase the trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess by 1;
	otherwise;
		say "and with your masterful selection of [has-prayed-to-slot] as the addressee of your prayer.  I am Trivia, goddess of the Three Ways, slightly fewer than half of the liberal arts, esoteric knowledge, sixty-degree circular wedges, text adventurers, and, as I mentioned, the Last Lousy Point.  Would you like to score it?  It's yours for the taking.'";
		now the mysterious goddess is proper-named;
		now the mysterious goddess is horny;
		now the printed name of the mysterious goddess is "Trivia";
		choose a row  with a castmember of "Rosario Dawson" in the Table of Real Cast Members;
		now the character entry is "Trivia";
	end if;
	rule fails.

Chapter Two - " Trivia"
	
Test mystery-goddess with "n / pray to trivia / undress / undress trivia / fuck trivia / wear toga".

Table of Trivial Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"__unknown"	"You can't get there from here"	"you should not have gotten this message"	a number


The mysterious goddess is a woman.  The description is "[The mysterious goddess] is breathtakingly beautiful.  She has dusky skin, flowing black hair, gorgeous deep-brown eyes, and a trim but curvaceous body.  [if the simple white tunic is worn by the mysterious goddess]She is attired in a simple white tunic and wears golden sandals on her shapely feet[otherwise]She stands naked before you: [end if]."  She is not proper-named.  The printed name is "mysterious goddess".  Understand "mysterious", "breathtaking", "breathtakingly", "beautiful", "beauty", "curvaceous", "curvy", "voluptuous", "woman", "girl", "god", and "goddess" as the mysterious goddess.  Does the player mean doing something with the mysterious goddess: it is likely.  Instead of smelling the mysterious goddess, say "The scent of a delicate and spicy perfume wafts from [the mysterious goddess]."  Understand "Trivia", "last", "lousy", and "point" as the mysterious goddess when the mysterious goddess is proper-named.  [ So "score last lousy point" works. ]  The default reply of the mysterious goddess is "This is a bug: you should never get here."  The conversation of the mysterious goddess is the Table of Trivial Chatter.  The mysterious goddess has a horniness.  The mysterious goddess is unaroused.  The mysterious goddess has a number called the trivia-clock.  The trivia-clock is 5.

Before asking the mysterious goddess about something:
	if the topic understood matches "Trivia", instead say "The goddess smiles.  'Maybe.  Why don't you try asking that in the form of a prayer?'";
	if the mysterious goddess is unaroused, instead say "The goddess smiles indulgently.  'You have [the trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess in words]minute[if the trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess > 1]s[end if] left to guess my name,' she says.  'Don't waste it in idle chitchat.'";
	say "'I didn't come here to chat,' says [the mysterious goddess], 'and anyway, what I know about any topic[emdash]really, [italic type]any[roman type] topic would fill human lifetimes.'";
	stop the action.	

Before showing or giving something to the mysterious goddess:
	say "[The mysterious goddess] waves a hand impatiently.  'Bah,' she says, 'I didn't come here for [the noun].";
	stop the action.
	
This is the spurning-the-goddess rule:
	if the mysterious goddess is in the location
	begin;
		if the mysterious goddess is unaroused
		begin;
			say "[The mysterious goddess] shakes her head ruefully.  'Wouldn't have figured you to be the sort of man to give up on a challenge like that,' she says.  'Oh well, your loss.'  She vanishes with a dainty thunderclap.[paragraph break]";
		otherwise;
			say "'Spurned!' shouts [the mysterious goddess].  She eyes you with some bitterness.  'Really?  It's like I don't even know you anymore.'  She vanishes with a thunderclap.[paragraph break]";
		end if;
		remove the mysterious goddess from play;
	end if.

	

Section One - "Clothing"

The simple white tunic is a garment worn by the mysterious goddess.  The description is "It's a simply cut white linen tunic.  It exposes rather a lot of cleavage and about half of her shapely thighs."  Understand "simple", "linen", "simply", and "simply-cut" as the simple white tunic.

Some golden sandals are ornaments worn by the mysterious goddess.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "The sandals appear to be made from solid gold."  Understand "solid", "gold", "shoe", and "shoes" as the golden sandals.

Before taking the simple white tunic:
	if the simple white tunic is worn by the mysterious goddess
	begin;
		if the mysterious goddess is horny
		begin;
			say "As you begin to undress her, the goddess giggles.  'Mortals are so [italic type]cute[roman type]!'  She waves her hand nonchalantly and the tunic and sandals melt away like snow.";
			remove the simple white tunic from play;
			remove the golden sandals from play;
			now the mysterious goddess's pussy is part of the mysterious goddess;
			now the mysterious goddess's anus is part of the mysterious goddess;
		otherwise;
			say "'Not until you say my name, bitch[85 as a reference]!' snaps the goddess.";
		end if;
	stop the action;
	end if.
	
Before taking off the simple white tunic:
	if the simple white tunic is worn by the mysterious goddess, instead try silently taking the simple white tunic.
	
Before removing the simple white tunic from the mysterious goddess:
	instead try silently taking the simple white tunic.
	
Check taking the golden sandals:
	instead try taking the simple white tunic.
	
Instead of taking off the golden sandals:
	try taking the simple white tunic.
	
Instead of removing the golden sandals from the mysterious goddess:
	try taking the simple white tunic.
	
Section Two - "Minor Body Parts"
	
	
The mysterious goddess's deep brown eyes are a part of the mysterious goddess.  They are ambiguously plural.  The description is "Her gorgeous eyes are a deep, deep brown."  They are proper-named.  Understand "gorgeous" as the mysterious goddess's deep brown eyes.
The mysterious goddess's crimson lips are part of the mysterious goddess.  The description is "Her crimson lips are moist and luscious."  Understand "crimson", "red", "moist", "mouth", and "luscious" as the mysterious goddess's crimson lips.
The mysterious goddess's black hair is part of the mysterious goddess.  The description is "Her hair is shoulder-length, unadorned, shiny, intoxicating."  Understand "shoulder", "shoulder-length", "shiny", "dark", "raven", "locks", and "intoxicating" as the mysterious goddess's black hair.  It is proper-named.
The mysterious goddess's  legs are part of the mysterious goddess.  The description is "Her legs are magnificently-shaped."  Understand "thigh", "thighs", "calf", "calves", "feet", "foot", "magnificent", "shaped", "magnificently-shaped", and "magnificently" as the mysterious goddess's  legs.  Instead of kissing, touching, rubbing, sucking, or blowing the mysterious goddess's legs, say "[The mysterious goddess] dances away.  'Not my kink,' she says."  Instead of smelling the mysterious goddess's legs, try smelling the mysterious goddess.

Section Three - "Trivial Pursuit"

Instead of fucking, sucking, blowing, wanking off, touching, rubbing, kissing, or eating the mysterious goddess:
	follow the check trivial-poking rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	follow the boning-trivia rule.  
	
Instead of buggering the mysterious goddess:
	follow the check trivial-poking rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	say "[The mysterious goddess] places a hand on your chest.  'That's not where I'd like to begin,' she says.";
	follow the boning-trivia rule.

Some mysterious goddess's breasts are part of the mysterious goddess.  They are ambiguously plural. The indefinite article is "the pair of".  The description is "[if the simple white tunic is worn by the mysterious goddess]You can see enough of [the mysterious goddess]'s breasts to know you'd like to see more of them[otherwise]Utterly magnificent[end if]."  Understand "pair of", "magnificent", "utterly", "nipple", "nipples", "aureole", "aureoles", "aureola", "aureolae", "aureolas", "chest", "tits",  "breast", "cleavage", "tit", "hooters", and "hooter" as the mysterious goddess's breasts.  Check taking the mysterious goddess's breasts: instead try touching the mysterious goddess's breasts.  Instead of kissing the mysterious goddess's breasts, try sucking the mysterious goddess's breasts.  Instead of smelling the mysterious goddess's breasts, try smelling the mysterious goddess.  They are proper-named.

Some mysterious goddess's buttocks are part of the mysterious goddess.  They are ambiguously plural.  The indefinite article is "the pair of".  The description is "[if the simple white tunic is worn by the mysterious goddess]The curve of her ass is prominent under her white tunic[otherwise]Her buttocks are plump and curvaceous[end if]."  Understand "buttocks", "buttock", "curvaceous", "curve", and "booty" as the mysterious goddess's buttocks.  Check taking the mysterious goddess's buttocks: instead try touching the mysterious goddess's anus.  Instead of kissing the mysterious goddess's buttocks, try kissing the mysterious goddess's anus.  Instead of smelling the mysterious goddess's buttocks, try smelling the mysterious goddess's anus.  They are proper-named.

The mysterious goddess's anus is an anus.  The description is "[if the simple white tunic is worn by the mysterious goddess]It's gotta be under there somewhere[otherwise]Her anus is, no doubt, between her buttocks[end if]."  Understand "pink", "ringpiece", "puckered" as the mysterious goddess's anus.  Instead of smelling the mysterious goddess's anus, say "It smells like roses.  Really."  Instead of kissing, rubbing, sucking, tasting, or eating the mysterious goddess's anus, try kissing the mysterious goddess's pussy.  Instead of inserting the stiffycock into the mysterious goddess's anus, try buggering the mysterious goddess.  Instead of inserting something into the mysterious goddess's anus, say "[The mysterious goddess] grabs your wrist.  '[The noun] is not what I want you to put in my ass.'"

Instead of buggering the mysterious goddess's anus, try buggering the mysterious goddess.  Check taking the mysterious goddess's anus: instead try buggering the mysterious goddess.

The mysterious goddess's pussy is a vagina.  The description is "[if the simple white tunic is worn by the mysterious goddess]It's gotta be under there somewhere[otherwise]Her pussy is concealed in a thick, but neatly-trimmed, thatch of black pubic hair."  Understand "musky", "intoxicating", "black", "pubic", "thatch", "curly", and "hair" as the mysterious goddess's pussy.   Instead of inserting the stiffycock into the mysterious goddess's pussy, try fucking the mysterious goddess.  Instead of inserting something into the mysterious goddess's pussy, say "The mysterious goddess stops you.  'I don't think [a noun] is what I want in there,' she says[if the stiffycock is visible], staring at your cock[end if]."  Instead of fucking the mysterious goddess's pussy, try fucking the mysterious goddess.  Instead of smelling the mysterious goddess's pussy, say "Musky and intoxicating."  Check taking the mysterious goddess's pussy: instead try fucking the mysterious goddess.  Instead of kissing, rubbing, sucking, tasting, or eating the mysterious goddess's pussy:
	say "[The mysterious goddess] moans and writhes under your caresses. [run paragraph on]";
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "She gasps, 'Undress.  Now.'";
	say "She hisses, 'Put it in me.  Now.'";
	follow the check trivial-poking rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	follow the boning-trivia rule.

Instead of touching, rubbing, or squeezing the mysterious goddess's breasts:
	follow the check trivial-poking rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	follow the boning-trivia rule.
	
Instead of kissing, sucking, or tasting the mysterious goddess's breasts:
	if the gown is worn by the mysterious goddess, instead try touching the mysterious goddess's breasts;
	follow the check trivial-poking rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	follow the boning-trivia rule.
	
Instead of fucking the mysterious goddess's breasts:
	if the gown is worn by the mysterious goddess, instead try touching the mysterious goddess's breasts;
	follow the check trivial-poking rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	say "You begin thrusting between the mysterious goddess's perfect breasts.  She licks her crimson lips, and, after a few minutes, growls, 'Put it in.  Now.'";
	follow the boning-trivia rule.
		
Instead of showing the stiffycock to the mysterious goddess:
	follow the check trivial-poking rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	follow the boning-trivia rule.

This is the check trivial-poking rule:
	if the mysterious goddess is not in the location
	begin;
		say "BUG!  How did you get here?";
		rule fails;
	end if;
	if the mysterious goddess is boinked
	begin;
		say "BUG!  How did you get here?";
		rule fails;
	end if;
	if the stiffycock is not visible
	begin;
		say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
		rule fails;
	end if;
	if the mysterious goddess is unaroused
	begin;
		say "'You have [trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess in words] minute[if the trivia-clock of the mysterious goddess > 1]s[end if] left to pray to me by name.  If you do, I'm all yours,' the goddess smiles.";
		rule fails;
	end if;
	if a garment is worn by the mysterious goddess
	begin;
		say "[The mysterious goddess] indicates her clothing.  'Wouldn't it be preferable to undress me first?' she inquires.";
		rule fails;
	end if;
	rule succeeds.

Instead of fucking the mysterious goddess's lips:
	follow the check trivial-poking rule;
	if the rule failed, stop the action;
	say "[The mysterious goddess] pushes your cock aside.  'We don't [italic type]start[roman type] there,' she purrs.";
	follow the boning-trivia rule.
	
	
This is the boning-trivia rule:
	say "[The mysterious goddess] pulls you to her and kisses you fiercely, her tongue probing and darting.  After a few moments, she pulls you down to the grass atop her, and guides your dick into her slick, tight pussy.  You fuck for a little while, as she moans in pleasure.[paragraph break]";
	say "Soon thereafter, she stops your thrusting by grabbing your hips, and in response to your surprised look, says, 'Now my butt.'  She effortlessly flips you onto your back and squats over you, aiming your penis into her asshole.  She frenetically masturbates while riding up and down on your cock.  As you grimace in pleasure, her eyes widen.  'You don't get to cum yet.'  She orders: 'Stand up.'  You shakily get to your feet.[paragraph break]";
	say "'And [italic type]this[roman type] is why they call me the Goddess of the Three Ways,' she snarls.  She takes your rod deep into her throat and continues to flail away at her clitoris while giving you head.  Her throat muscles clench with her orgasm, and, with a sudden roar, you ejaculate in her mouth.  Your legs buckle and you sit down hurriedly on the grass.[paragraph break]";
	say "[The mysterious goddess] flops back supine on the meadow.  'You know, sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass-to-mouth[84 as a reference],' she observes softly, wiping her lips with the back of her hand.  She vanishes with a small thunderclap.[paragraph break]";
	now the mysterious goddess is boinked;
	remove the mysterious goddess from play;
	record "Trivia" as achieved;
	say "After a while, you regain your feet."
	
Book Two - "Plaza"

The Olympic Plaza is a room in Olympus.  It is north of Summit.  It is west of Game Room.  The description is "This plaza is built of gleaming white marble, shining brightly in the hot sun beneath a brilliant blue sky.  To the south, a crystal stairway descends to the summit of Mt. Olympus.  All around the spire of the peak, gray stormclouds boil.  To your north, a wide flight of stairs leads up to a gargantuan temple, or perhaps palace.  A smaller building, adorned with a giant pair of dice above its doorway, is to the east.  Baths, built on a colossal scale, are off to your west."

The scenery_stormcloud is scenery in Olympic Plaza.  The description is "Gray, threatening stormclouds hover far below you."  Understand "gray", "boil", "boiling", "hover", "hovering", "grey", "threatening", "storm", "cloud", "clouds", "stormcloud", "stormclouds", "rain", and "snow" as the scenery_stormcloud.  Instead of doing anything other than examining, jumping into, or diving into with the scenery_stormcloud, say "The clouds are far away."  Instead of jumping into the scenery_stormcloud, try diving into the scenery_stormcloud.  Instead of diving into the scenery_stormcloud for the first time, say "You draw back at the edge, momentarily conquering your suicidal impulse."  Instead of diving into the scenery_stormcloud:
	say "You take three running steps and swan-dive off the edge of the plaza.  You plummet through clouds and then impact the side of Mount Olympus, with predictable results.";
	end the story saying "You have jumped to your death from Olympus".

Before going up in Olympic Plaza, instead try going north.
Before going down in Olympic Plaza, instead try going south.

Book Three - "Eris (Again)"

Table of Erisian Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"me/myself/Mentula/Macanus/Stiffy/Macane/Lucius" or "Stiffy Makane" or "Mentula Macanus" or "Lucius Macanus Mentula"	"'Stiffy, you've done magnificently.  Just one more task, and then you will receive your reward.'"	"she told you you only had one more thing to do before you would be rewarded"	--
"Argus"	"'That son-of-a-whore Argus is gonna get a plantain in the pooper, if I have anything to say about it.'"	"Argus is headed for a rectal encounter with the Golden Banana"	--
"Caesar/Julius" or "Julius Caesar" or "Gaius Julius Caesar"	"'He's around somewhere.  He looks pretty down.'"	"Caesar is looking depressed"	--
"Anas/duck"	"'Jupiter's new plaything?  She's in the baths.'"	"Anas can be found in the baths"	--
"Syra"	"'Seriously, wow, the slut to end all sluts.'"	"she's pretty impressed by Syra's sluttiness"	--
"game/dice/table/figurine/figurines/die"	"'The Great Game!  I've got a pretty big bet on you.  Don't let me down.'"	"Eris is counting on you to win the game for her"	--
"herself/eris/discordia/reward/immortality/sex/blowjob/fuck/fucking"		"'Patience, patience.  Do your part, and I'll....do your part.'"	"Eris will reward you for completing her quest"	--
"Mweru/bird" or "Mweru bird"	"'Yeah, somehow the original got lost, but we had that stuffed canary lying around.'"	"the stuffed canary is a stand-in for the real Mweru Bird figurine"	--

Instead of showing the Golden Banana to Divine Eris, try giving the Golden Banana to Divine Eris.

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, fucking, blowing, kissing, or wanking off Divine Eris, say "Eris shakes her head.  'You don't get your reward yet, little man.  Finish the job.'"

Before asking Divine Eris about something:
	if the topic understood matches "task/quest/hundred-eyed/golden/banana/discord", replace the topic understood with "Argus";
	if the topic understood matches "one more task", replace the topic understood with "Argus";
	if the topic understood matches "golden banana", replace the topic understood with "Argus";
	if the topic understood matches "golden banana of discord", replace the topic understood with "Argus";
	if the topic understood matches "hundred-eyed Argus", replace the topic understood with "Argus";
	if the topic understood matches "Argus" and Divine Eris is not warned_about, instead try giving the Golden Banana to Divine Eris.

Before asking Divine Eris about "Argus" when Divine Eris is not warned_about:
	say "Eris frowns, starts to say something, and then looks at the Golden Banana.  You hold it out to her placatingly.[paragraph break]";
	 instead try giving the Golden Banana to Divine Eris.

Before giving the Golden Banana to Divine Eris:
	if Divine Eris is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "Eris looks at the banana you are carrying and smiles.  'Thank you, Stiffy.  I appreciate all your hard work in bringing that to me.  Unfortunately, our plans have changed a little, and I have one more task for you: I want you to take that banana into the palace, and sodomize Argus with it.  It's going to be a little difficult, because he's pretty vigilant, but I'll do my best to distract him.  That bastard has a whole bunch of eyes, so if you can come up with more help to draw his attention, you'll want to.'[paragraph break]";
		say "She pauses a moment and frowns.  'You'll probably need these in order to see once you're in the palace, with your weak mortal eyes.'  She hands you a pair of sunglasses.[paragraph break]";
		now the sunglasses are held by the player;
		move scenery_eris to the Grand Palace;
		say "'Anyway, just head up to him.  I'll get his attention, and then when he's not looking, stick the Golden Banana up his ass and you will have completed my quest, and you will be rewarded, both with immortality, and with my special favor.'  She winks saucily at you.";
		now Divine Eris is warned_about;
	otherwise;
		say "Eris glances at you.  'That banana doesn't have Argus on the other end of it.  Get on with it.'";
	end if;
	stop the action.
		
Before taking the Stiffy Makane figurine when the player is Stiffy Makane:
	if the Stiffy Makane figurine is not warned_about
	begin;
		say "You start to reach for the figurine of yourself, and then you begin to think about the implications, and your head starts to hurt a little.  You pause momentarily, wondering whether picking up the model of yourself is actually a good idea.";
		now the Stiffy Makane figurine is warned_about;
		stop the action;
	otherwise;
		consider the stack-overflow rule;
	end if.

This is the stack-overflow rule:
	say "As you reach for the figurine Eris screams, 'Stiffy!  No!  Stop!' but she's too late.[paragraph break]";
	say "Your hand closes around the figurine and [run paragraph on]";
	let T be 0;
	let loop-exit be 200 plus a random number between 1 and 200;
	while T < loop-exit
	begin;
		say "your hand closes around the figurine and [run paragraph on]";
		increase T by 1;
	end while;
	say "[paragraph break][paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	say "[fixed letter spacing]The multiverse has encountered an error and needs to close.  We are sorry for the inconvenience.[variable letter spacing]";
	say "[paragraph break][paragraph break][paragraph break]";
	wait for any key;
	stop the game abruptly.
	
Some sunglasses are ornaments.  Understand "sunglass", "glass", "glasses", "shades", "shade", "oakleys", "ray-bans", "ray-ban", "spectacles", "specs", "smoked", "dark", "circle", "circles", "ovals", "wire", and "wires" as sunglasses.  The description is "These sunglasses are circles of smoked glass in wire frames.  They serve to make the world less bright when worn."


Book Four - "Colossal Baths"

Colossal Baths is a room in Olympus.  It is west of Olympic Plaza.  The description is "This giant, cavernous structure is filled with pools of all shapes, sizes, and temperatures.  Mosaics cover the bottoms of each pool.  The plaza is back to the east."

Chapter One - "Mosaics"

Some olympic_bath_mosaics are scenery in Colossal Baths.  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "mosaic".  Understand "mosaic", "mosaics", "colorful", "stone", "picture", "pictures", "shimmer", "shimmering", "reflection", "ripple", "design", "designs", "portrait", and "portraits" as the olympic_bath_mosaics.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the olympic_bath_mosaics, say "They're at the bottom of the baths."
	
Global_rows_mosaics_mentioned is a number that varies.  Global_rows_mosaics_mentioned is 0.

Carry out examining the olympic_bath_mosaics:
	If global_rows_mosaics_mentioned is the number of rows in the Table Of Bath Mosaics
	begin;
		repeat through the Table of Bath Mosaics
		begin;
			now the used entry is 0;
		end repeat;
		now the global_rows_mosaics_mentioned is 0;
	end if;
	let M be 1;
	while M is 1
	begin;
		choose a random row in the Table of Bath mosaics;
		if the used entry is 0
		begin;
			now the used entry is 1;
			now M is 0;
			say "As you stare at the mosaic through the pool, the design seems to shimmer.  Suddenly, it rearranges itself and snaps into focus: it's you, [activity entry]!  Then it dissolves in a swirl of reflections and ripples.";
			increase global_rows_mosaics_mentioned by 1;
		end if;
	end while;
	stop the action.
	
Table of Bath Mosaics
activity								used
"trudging up the slopes of Mount Olympus, walking stick in hand"		0
"recoiling before the noisome form of Glub"				0
"swimming an African lake"						0
"diving from the top of the banana tree"				0
"disporting with Rachel"						0
"being smacked on the penis with the doctor's mallet"			0
"standing by as Madame Sosostris upbraids Charon about Phlebas"		0
"giving the mask to the Priest of Jupiter Virilis"				0
"rowing with Vikings"						0
"tasting moonmilk"							0
"standing on the poop deck, speaking to Palinurus"			0
"watching Zach circumcise the Golden Banana"				0


Chapter Two - "Baths"

Some olympic_scenery_baths are scenery in Colossal Baths.  They are ambiguously plural.  The printed name is "bath".  Understand "bath", "baths", "pond", "ponds", "pool", "pools", "hot", "cold", "tepid", "lukewarm", "caldarium", "frigidarium", "tepidarium", "fountain", "fountains", "fresh", "clean", "icy", "ice-cold", "frigid", "big", "small", "in-between", "vast", "room", "water", "basin", "basins", "lake", and "lakes" as olympic_scenery_baths.  The description is "This vast room is filled with baths and fountains: hot, cold, lukewarm, big, small, and in-between."  

The olympic_scenery_baths can be enterable.  They are enterable.   The olympic_scenery_baths can be drinkable.  They are drinkable.  Instead of drinking the olympic_scenery_baths, say "You scoop some delicious ice-cold water from a frigid fountain."  Instead of tasting the olympic_scenery_baths, try drinking the olympic_scenery_baths.   Instead of sucking the olympic_scenery_baths, try drinking the olympic_scenery_baths.  Instead of touching the olympic_scenery_baths, try swimming around in the olympic_scenery_baths.  Instead of smelling the olympic_scenery_baths, say "The water smells fresh and clean."  Instead of searching the olympic_scenery_baths, say "Mosaics cover the bottom of each bath."  Instead of entering the olympic_scenery_baths, try swimming around in the olympic_scenery_baths.  Instead of swimming around in the olympic_scenery_baths:
	now Stiffy Makane is sparkling;
	now every garment worn by Stiffy Makane is sparkling;
	now every garment held by Stiffy Makane is sparkling;
	say "You splash around in the baths for a while, and emerge clean and refreshed.";
	stop the action.
	
Instead of swimming in Colossal Baths, try swimming around in the olympic_scenery_baths.  Instead of drinking in Colossal Baths, try drinking the olympic_scenery_baths.

Chapter Three - "Anas (Again)"

Divine Anas is a woman in Colossal baths.  "Anas paddles happily, perhaps even smugly, in one of the pools."  The description is "Anas's feathers have taken on a golden sheen.  She is plump and undeniably the best-looking duck you've ever laid eyes on.".  Understand "goddess", "duck", "duckling", "plump", "yellow", "gold", "golden", "feather", "feathers", "good-looking", and "fowl" as Divine Anas.  The conversation of Divine Anas is the Table of Divine Anasian Chatter.  The default reply of Divine Anas is "Anas shrugs her wings.  'Can't help you there,' she says."

Before asking Divine Anas about "Gaius Macanus Mentula", replace the topic understood with "me".
Before asking Divine Anas about "myself/Stiffy/Makane/Macanus/Mentula", replace the topic understood with "me".
Before asking Divine Anas about "Golden Banana", replace the topic understood with "banana".
Before asking Divine Anas about "Golden Banana of Discord", replace the topic understood with "banana".
Before asking Divine Anas about "Argus/Eris/banana/me" when Divine Eris is warned_about:
	replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	move scenery_anas to the Grand Palace;
	now Divine Anas is warned_about.
Before asking Divine Anas about "me", replace the topic understood with "duck".

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, blowing, fucking, tasting, kissing, eating, or wanking off Divine Anas:
	say "Anas paddles hastily away.  'Sorry, Stiffy, but Jupiter is my sugar daddy now.'"

Before asking Divine Anas about "fuck/fucking", replace the topic understood with "sex".
Before asking Divine Anas about "sex", instead try fucking Divine Anas.

Table Of Divine Anasian Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"duck/herself/anas"	"'Now once again I am Jupiter's bathtub playing, thanks to you, Stiffy!'"	"she is grateful that you broke her curse"	--
"Syra"	"'I watched her entertain half a legion near Mantua once.'"	"she saw Syra engaged in a legendary feat of sluttiness"	--
"Argus"	"'Argus?  He's a most unpleasant divinity.'"	"she doesn't care for Argus"	--
"Eris/Discord"	"'I think she's waiting for you in the Game Room.'"	"Eris is probably in the Game Room"	--
"banana/golden" or "Golden Banana" or "Golden Banana of Discord"	"'Eris told me that if you showed up with it, I should tell you to take it to her in the Game Room.'"	"you should deliver the Banana to Eris in the Game Room"	--
"Jove/Jupiter/Virilis" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"'He's so [italic type]dreamy[roman type].'"	"she's smitten with Jupiter"	--
"Juno/bitch/cunt/bitch-cunt/thrice/damned/thrice-damned" or "thrice-damned bitch-cunt"	"'Ha!  Juno can [italic type]suck it[roman type].'"	"she has gotten her revenge on Juno"	--
"Caesar/Julius" or "Julius Caesar" or "Gaius Julius Caesar"	"'He's always moping.  I don't know why he's so miserable.'"	"Caesar is acting depressed"	--
"#fake1"	"'Why, of course I'll help you, Stiffy.  Just make your move on Argus, and I'll be waiting and will do my very best to distract him.'"	"she has promised to help distract Argus at the critical moment"	--

Book Five - "Palace Steps"

Palace Steps is a room in Olympus.  It is north of Olympic Plaza.  The description is "Wide, white marble steps stretch from the enormous plaza to the south up to a ludicrously huge temple or palace to the north."

Before going up in Palace Steps: try going north.
Before going down in Palace Steps: try going south.

Scenery_olympic_palace_steps are a backdrop in Palace Steps.  They are ambiguously plural.  They are in Olympic Plaza.  The printed name is "palace steps".  The description is "Wide, white marble steps rise from south to north, connecting the Olympic Plaza and the huge palace of the gods."  Understand "wide", "white", "step", "steps", "stair", and "stairs" as the Scenery_olympic_palace_steps.  The scenery_olympic_palace_steps can be enterable.  The scenery_olympic_palace_steps are enterable.  Instead of entering the scenery_olympic_palace_steps:
	if the location is Olympic Plaza, instead try going north;
	if the location is Palace Steps, instead say "You are in the middle of the staircase, so either up or down would work."

Divine Caesar is a man in Palace Steps.  "Caesar sits disconsolately on the steps, his head in his hands."  The description is "Caesar looks [if Divine Caesar is unaroused]badly depressed[otherwise]less unhappy than he did when you first encountered him[end if].  He's wearing a white linen toga and a laurel wreath.  He's the same handsome fellow you remember from Rome, although now he's glowing with divine radiance."  The conversation of Divine Caesar is the Table of Divine Caesarean Chatter.  The default reply of Divine Caesar is "Caesar [if Divine Caesar is horny]shrugs his shoulders[otherwise]sighs heavily and pretends not to have heard you[end if]."  Caesar has a horniness.  Caesar is unaroused.  Understand "Julius", "Julius Caesar", "Gaiuis", "Gaius Julius Caesar", "handsome", and "god" as Divine Caesar.

Divine Caesar's toga is a garment.  The description of Divine Caesar's toga is "A classic white linen toga, with a purple stripe around the edge."  Divine Caesar's toga is worn by Divine Caesar.  Understand "white", "linen", "toga", "purple", "stripe", "striped", "edge", "senator's", and "senatorial" as Divine Caesar's toga.

A laurel wreath is an ornament worn by Julius Caesar.  The description is "Of all the triumphal laurel wreaths you've ever seen, this is certainly one of them.  It looks just like it does on the statues, only this one is green and made of actual branches."  Understand "green", "branch", "branches", "triumph", "triumphal" as the laurel wreath.

Before asking Divine Caesar about "Stiffy Makane", replace the topic understood with "me".
Before asking Divine Caesar about "Mentula Macanus", replace the topic understood with "me".
Before asking Divine Caesar about "Lucius Macanus Mentula", replace the topic understood with "me".
Before asking Divine Caesar about "myself/Mentula/Macanus/Stiffy/Macane/Lucius", replace the topic understood with "me."
Before asking Divine Caesar about "Golden Banana", replace the topic understood with "banana".
Before asking Divine Caesar about "Golden Banana of Discord", replace the topic understood with "banana".
Before asking Divine Caesar about "Argus/Eris/banana/Discord/me" when Divine Eris is warned_about:
	replace the topic understood with "#fake1";
	move scenery_caesar to the Grand Palace;
	now Divine Caesar is warned_about.

Table of Divine Caesarean Chatter
topic	reply	summary	turn stamp
"himself/god/gods/Jupiter/Jove/Juno/Julius/Caesar/Gaius/divine/divinity" or "Divine Caesar" or "Julius Caesar" or "Gaius Julius Caesar" or "Jupiter Virilis"	"'You know what?  Being a god sucks.  Most of the other gods are douchebags.  Especially Argus.'"	"he thinks most of the gods are unpleasant, particularly Argus"	a number
"me"	"'Yeah, we had some good times back in Rome, didn't we?'"		"he reminded you of the good times you had together in Rome"	--
"Syra"	"'I even miss [italic type]that[roman type] diseased whore.'"	"he even misses Syra"	--
"Argus"	"'Wow, what an utter fuckhead.'"	"he really doesn't care for Argus"	--
"banana/golden/Eris/Discord" 	"'Eris told me to tell you she was waiting for you in the Game Room, and bring her the banana when you come.'"	"you should deliver the Golden Banana to Eris in the Game Room"	--
"Cleo/Cleopatra"	"'I miss her.  I wish she'd hurry up and get here.'"		"he misses Cleopatra and hopes she arrives soon"	--
"Rome/Forum/stabbing/choking/choked/death/dying/pork/sword/dagger/daggers/dick/dicks/cock/cocks/Anthony/Tony/Marcus/Brutus/Antony/Quintus/Naughtius/Maximus/Biggus/Dickus/Magnus/Prickus/sycohphant/sycophants/gaggle/hangers-on" or "Naughtius Maximus" or "Biggus Dickus" or "Magnus Prickus" or "et tu Brute" or "pork sword"		"'To be perfectly honest, I[emdash]completely predictably[emdash]choked on cock.'"	"he met his end gagging on a pork sword"	--
"#fake1"	"'Hell yeah, Stiffy.  When you move in, I'll run up and kick that fucker Argus right in the [apostrophe]nads.  That should distract him long enough for you to do the deed.'"	"he will help you in your humiliation of Argus"	--
"fuck/fucking/sex/blowjob"	"'You know, I'm kinda over that for a while.  Choking to death on a dick will do that to you.'"	"he is not particularly interested in sex, since that's how he died"	--

Instead of touching, rubbing, sucking, blowing, fucking, tasting, eating, or wanking off Divine Caesar, try asking Caesar about "sex".

Instead of kissing Divine Caesar:
	if Cleopatra is not boinked
	begin;
		say "Caesar kisses you back perfunctorily and unenthusiastically.  'Sorry, Stiffy,' he says.  'My heart's just not in it today.'";
	otherwise;
		if Divine Caesar is  not horny
		begin; 
			now Divine Caesar is horny;
			say "You plant a big, passionate kiss on Caesar, who unenthusiastically kisses you back.  Growling, you grab the back of his head and shove your tongue in his mouth.  He twitches in surprise, and then you feel his lips curve into a smile.  He bites your tongue playfully, and as you disengage he begins to laugh.  'Awwww, man, I miss Cleopatra.  Thanks for bringing me that from her, Stiffy.  That's the best gift I've had in a long, long time.  You don't know how much better that makes me feel.  I sure wish she'd hurry her asp up and get here.'";
		otherwise;
			say "You and Caesar make out for a while.";
		end if;
	end if.

Book Six - "The Grand Palace"
	
The Grand Palace is a room in Olympus.  It is north of the Palace Steps.  "[if the sunglasses are worn by the player]This is, far and away, the biggest building you've ever been in.  It's a huge circular room with a terrifically high domed ceiling, with something that looks, even through your sunglasses, like the sun, floating in the center of the dome.  Columns and niches ring the space.  The gods themselves stand in groups scattered about the floor, conversing with one another[otherwise]It is blindingly bright.  You are likely to be netae by an eurg[end if]."  Instead of going down in the Grand Palace, try going south.

The scenery_hideyholes are scenery in the Grand Palace.  The scenery_hideyholes are ambiguously plural.  Understand "column", "columns", "niche", "niches", "perimeter", "outside", "outer", "place",  "statue", "statues", "hiding", and "ring" as the scenery_hideyholes.  The description is "The edge of the room is made up of decorative columns and niches, many populated with statues of gods or depictions of great divine deeds."

Palatial_sky_scenery is sky_scenery.  It is in the Grand Palace.  The description is "A small, but very intense, sun hangs in the center of the caerulean dome."  Understand "sky", "sun", "yellow", "brilliant", "hanging", "sun", "blue", "vivid", "electric", "caerulean", "dome", and "hot" as palatial_sky_scenery.

The palace_floor is a floor_scenery in the Grand Palace.  The description is "White marble covers the floor and walls, and reflects the brilliant sunlight."  The printed name is "marble".  Understand "marble", "floor", "wall", "walls", and "white" as the palace_floor.  Does the player mean doing something with the palace_floor: it is unlikely.

Rule for printing the name of the Grand Palace:
	if the sunglasses are worn by the player
	begin;
		say "Grand Palace";
	otherwise;
		say "Brightness";
	end if.

Every turn when the location is Grand Palace:
	now Argus is unboinked;
	if the sunglasses are worn by the player
	begin;
		now the Grand Palace is not_warned_about;
	otherwise;
		if the Grand Palace is warned_about
		begin;
			say "Before you can do anything, you hear a nasty chuckle behind your left ear, and there is very brief, but excruciating, pain.";
			end the story saying "You have been netae by an eurg";
		end if;
		now the Grand Palace is warned_about;
	end if.
	
Instead of going south when the location is the Grand Palace and the sunglasses are not worn by the player:
	say "You stagger blindly back down the steps.";
	now the Grand Palace is not_warned_about;
	move the player to the Palace Steps.

Chapter One - "Dirty Jokes" 

Some dirty jokes are scenery in the Grand Palace.  They are ambiguously plural.  Instead of listening to the dirty jokes, try examining the dirty jokes.  Instead of listening when the location is the Grand Palace, try listening to the dirty jokes.  

Table of Jokesters
Jokester
"Bacchus"
"Mercury"
"Pluto"
"Neptune"

Table of Dirty Jokes
used		joke
a number		some text
0		"the travelling salesman who stopped for the night at a farmer's house"
0		"the man who met a leprechaun in a bar"
0		"the blind men and the elephant"
0		"the camel and the miners in the desert"
0		"lipstick and pigs"
0		"picking the ugly one from the flock of sheep"
0		"ten denarii, same as downtown"
0		"the Vestal Virgin, the Parthian, and the dog"
0		"Odysseus, the Cyclops, and the Cyclops's wife"
0		"the boy who walked into a brothel with a dead frog on a string"
0		"the Aristocrats"	

The global_rows_dirty_jokes_used is a number that varies.  The global_rows_dirty_jokes_used is 0.
	
Instead of examining the dirty jokes:
	let B be global_rows_dirty_jokes_used;
	let N be the number of rows in the Table of Dirty Jokes;
	if B > N - 2 
	begin;
		repeat through Table of Dirty Jokes
		begin;
			now the used entry is 0;
		end repeat;
		now global_rows_dirty_jokes_used is 0; 
	end if;
	choose a random row in the Table of Dirty Jokes;
	while the used entry is 1
	begin;
		choose a random row in the Table of Dirty Jokes;
	end while;
	let J be the joke entry;
	now the used entry is 1;
	increase the global_rows_dirty_jokes_used by 1;
	choose a random row in the Table Of Jokesters;
	say "[Jokester entry] tells the one about [J].  His compatriots snort and chortle and slap their knees."

Chapter Two - "Olympic Denizens"

Some scenery_gods are scenery in the Grand Palace.  The scenery_gods are ambiguously plural.  Understand "god", "gods", "goddess", "goddesses", "group", and "groups"  as the scenery_gods.  The printed name is "gods".  The indefinite article is "a few".  The description is "Quite a few gods are standing around in here talking.  Jupiter is easy to identify by his long gray beard and the thunderbolt he keeps waving around to punctuate his speech.  Mars is an angry-looking god in a bronze breastplate, a helmet, and a sneer, chatting with Minerva and her owl.  Pluto, Neptune, Bacchus, and Mercury are apparently, to judge from their body language, swapping dirty jokes.  [if scenery_trivia is in the location]Trivia lounges insouicantly nearby.  [end if][if scenery_eris is in the location]Eris is mostly-hidden in a niche on the room's perimeter.  [end if][if scenery_caesar is in the location]Caesar skulks, ignored, near the door.  [end if][if scenery_anas is in the location]Anas cranes her neck around a column and nods her beak at you.  [end if]And, finally, you pick out hundred-eyed Argus, talking to someone whom you guess to be Juno."  Does the player mean doing something with the scenery_gods: it is unlikely.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with the scenery_gods, say "It's probably not actually a very good idea to be announcing your mortal presence on olympus.  So far none of the gods have noticed you.  It'd be a good idea to keep it that way."

Scenery_juno is a woman.  She is scenery.  She is proper-named.  The printed name is "Juno".  Understand "Juno" and "Hera" as scenery_juno.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_juno when the location is the Grand Palace, try smelling the scenery_gods.  The description is "Juno is talking to hundred-eyed Argus."

Scenery_anas is a woman.  She is scenery.  She is proper-named.  The printed name is "Anas".  Understand "Anas" and "duck" as scenery_anas.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_anas, say "You don't want to blow your cover."  The description is "Anas winks at you from behind a pillar."

Scenery_eris is a woman.  She is scenery.  She is proper-named.  The printed name is "Eris".  Understand "Eris", "Discord", and "Discordia" as scenery_eris.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_eris when the location is the Grand Palace, say "You don't want to blow your cover."  The description is "Eris, shadowed in a niche at the perimeter of the room, waves minutely with her fingertips and flicks a delicate index finger in the direction of Argus."

Scenery_caesar is a man.  He is scenery.  He is proper-named.  The printed name is "Caesar".  Understand "Gaius", "Julius", and "Caesar" as scenery_caesar.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_caesar, say "You don't want to blow your cover."  The description is "Caesar  lurks inconspicuously at the edge of the room, ignored by all the other gods.  He catches your eye, glances towards Argus, and nods fractionally."

Scenery_trivia is scenery.  Scenery_trivia can be female.  Scenery_trivia is female.  She is proper-named.  The printed name is "Trivia".  Understand "Trivia" as scenery_trivia.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_trivia, say "You don't want to blow your cover."  The description is "Trivia discreetly blows you a kiss when she catches you looking at her."

Scenery_mars is a man in the Grand Palace.  He is scenery.  He is proper-named.  The printed name is "Mars".  Understand "Mars", "Ares", "bronze", "breastplate", "greaves", "greave", "spear", "handsome", "armor", "armour" [for our British friends], "helmet", "crest", "sneer", and "war" as scenery_Mars.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_mars, try smelling the scenery_gods.  The description is "Mars is deep in conversation with Minerva.  He's a scarred but handsome fellow, in bronze breastplace, greaves, and helmet, leaning on a spear."

Scenery_minerva is a woman in the Grand Palace.  She is scenery.  She is proper-named.  The printed name is "Minerva".  Understand "Minerva", "Athena", "Pallas", "shoulder", and "owl" as scenery_Minerva.  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_minerva, try smelling the scenery_gods.  The description is "Minerva, her owl on her shoulder, chats with Mars."

Scenery_jove is a man in the Grand Palace.  He is scenery.  He is proper-named.  The printed name is "Jove".  Understand "Jove", "Jupiter", "Virilis", "Zeus", "beard", "gray", "thunder", "thunderbolt", "lightning", and "long" as scenery_jove.  The description is "Jove gesticulates wildly with his hands while talking, causing everyone to duck back from the thunderbolt he is thereby swinging with gay abandon."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_jove when the location is the Grand Palace, try smelling the scenery_gods.

Scenery_pluto is a man in the Grand Palace.  He is scenery.  He is proper-named.  The printed name is "Pluto".  Understand "Pluto", "Hades", "Serapis", "dark", "dark-complected", "heavyset", "full", and "beard" as scenery_pluto.  The description is "Pluto, a dark-complected and heavyset god with a full beard, is telling dirty jokes with Mercury, Bacchus, and Neptune."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_pluto, try smelling the scenery_gods.

Scenery_neptune is a man in the Grand Palace.  He is scenery.  He is proper-named.  The printed name is "Neptune".  Understand "Neptune", "Poseidon", "trident", "sea", "blue", "ocean", "fishy", and "fish-eyed" as scenery_neptune.  The description is "Neptune has blue skin and a vaguely fish-eyed physiognomy.  He's holding a trident, and laughing uproariously as he, Pluto, Bacchus, and Mercury swap dirty jokes."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_pluto, try smelling the scenery_gods.

Scenery_bacchus is a man in the Grand Palace.  He is scenery.  He is proper-named.  The printed name is "Bacchus".  Understand "Bacchus", "Dionysus", "Dionysos", "wine", "grape", "grapevine", "cup", "cup of wine", "swaying", and "drunk" as scenery_bacchus.  The description is "Bacchus sways slightly, wine sloshing over the edge of his cup, as he trades dirty jokes with Mercury, Neptune, and Pluto."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_bacchus, try smelling the scenery_gods.

Scenery_mercury is a man in the Grand Palace.  He is scenery.  He is proper-named.  The printed name is "Mercury".  Understand "Mercury", "Hermes", "sandals", "winged", "wing", "fleet-footed", and "messenger" as scenery_mercury.  The description is "Mercury, wearing his famous wing[e-acute]d sandals, is chortling with Bacchus, Neptune, and Pluto over dirty jokes."  Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_mercury, try smelling the scenery_gods. 

Chapter Three - "Argus"

The mortal score is a number that varies.  The mortal score is 0.

Scenery_argus is a man in the Grand Palace.  He is scenery.  He is proper-named.  The printed name is "Argus".  Understand "Argus", "grade", "grade-A", "douche", "douchebag", "hundred", "eyed", "eye", "hundred-eyed", "Panoptes", and "Argos" as scenery_argus.  The description is "Hundred-eyed Argus speaks with Juno about something.  Just from looking at him, you can tell he's a grade-A douchebag."  Does the player mean doing something with scenery_argus: it is likely.  Scenery_argus has a virginity.  He is unboinked.

Instead of inserting anything into scenery_argus:
	if the noun is not the Golden Banana of Discord
	begin;
		say "You are reasonably sure that you're only going to get one shot at this, and [the noun] is not the Golden Banana.";
	otherwise;
		consider the argus-buggering-with-banana rule;
	end if;
	stop the action.	
	
Instead of fucking scenery_argus:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	consider the argus-buggering rule.
	
Instead of buggering scenery_argus:
	if the stiffycock is not visible, instead say "You are not undressed for the occasion.";
	consider the argus-buggering rule.
	
The argus buggery object is a thing that varies.  The argus buggery object is the stiffycock.

This is the argus-buggering-with-banana rule:
	now the argus buggery object is the Golden Banana of Discord;
	consider the argus-buggering rule.

This is the argus-buggering rule:
	Let H be 0;
	Now the mortal score is the score;
	say "You charge straight towards Argus from your position by the door.  [run paragraph on]";
	now scenery_argus is unboinked;
	if scenery_eris is in the location [this should always be true]
	begin;
		increase H by 1;
		say "As you pick up speed, Eris steps out in front of Argus.  'Hey, Argus,' she says.  'I think I found your cock rings!'  As the other gods turn to stare at her, she throws a double handful of tiny gold links, as from a necklace chain, onto the floor.  Argus begins to flush as a titter ripples through the room.  [run paragraph on]";
	end if;
	say "[paragraph break]";
	if scenery_anas is in the location
	begin;
		increase H by 1;
		say "Anas flaps, quaking obnoxiously, towards Argus, and begins to beat at his face with her wings and beak.  'Fuck, a duck!' roars Argus, like an over-punctuated Henry Miller, as he flails wildly at her.  Juno tries to help Argus, and draws back in dismay, sucking at a bitten finger.  Anas cackles maniacally and continues her onslaught.[paragraph break]";
	end if;
	if scenery_trivia is in the location
	begin;
		increase H by 1;
		say "With a 'bamf' noise, Trivia appears to Argus's right, drawing some of his gazes.  'Did you know,' she asks, irrelevantly, 'that the average diameter of the adult human eyeball is just a little less than an inch?'  He goggles at her in confusion.[paragraph break]";
	end if;
	if scenery_caesar is in the location
	begin;
		say "Caesar sprints up to Argus, and shouts 'For the glory of Rome!'  Then he winds up and kicks Argus as hard as he can between the legs.  Argus doubles over in pain[run paragraph on]";
		now scenery_caesar is warned_about;
		increase H by 1;
		if divine Caesar is horny
		begin;
			say " and Caesar screams, spittle flying from the corners of his mouth, 'This one's for Cleopatra!'  He drives his knee into the bridge of Argus's nose, which begins to spray ichor everywhere.  Over Argus's back, you can see Mars grin appreciatively[run paragraph on]";
			increase H by 1;
		end if;
		say ".[paragraph break]";
	end if;
	say "And then you reach Argus.[paragraph break]";
	if H is less than two
	begin;
		say "Argus, although beleagured, is not so distracted as to be unmindful of your assault.  He easily twists away, and grabs you around the neck with one meaty hand.  He leans in close, and just before he crushes your windpipe and snaps your neck, he snarls into your face, 'You needed to have a better class of friends, dickwipe.'";
		end the story saying "You have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory";
	end if;
	if H is two
	begin;
		let B be "your purple and engorged choad";
		if the argus buggery object is the Golden Banana of Discord
		begin;
			now B is "the Golden Banana of Discord";
		end if;
		say "You thust [B] towards Argus's ass, but he is not quite so distracted that you actually manage to penetrate him.  He twists to the side, hooks your leg with his ankle, and yanks sideways.  Your head bounces off the floor, and you are only dimly conscious of Argus lifting you into the air by your ankle, shouting 'Hey, everyone!  One of Eris's crab-lice!' and then smashing your skull to a bloody smear on the marble.";
		end the story saying "You have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory";
	end if;
	if the argus buggery object is the Golden Banana of Discord
	begin;
		if H is three
		begin;
			say "You jab the Banana between Argus's butt-cheeks, and are pretty sure you got the tip into his anus a little way.  He shouts, whirls around[emdash]the Banana clatters to the floor[emdash]grabs you by the throat, and begins to squeeze.  Eris shouts, 'Stop right there!'[paragraph break]";
			say "Jupiter spreads his hands and intones, 'To the Halls of Justice.'";
			now scenery_argus is boinked;
			increment the score;
			now scenery_argus is warned_about;
			consider the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;
		end if;
		if H is four
		begin;
			say "Argus screams as you jam the banana halfway up his butt.  He staggers in a tight circle, the Golden Banana protruding like an incongruous metallic turd, and Juno grabs you, pinioning your arms behind her back.  'I'm going to get you, my pretty,' she hisses, 'and your little duck too[86 as a reference].[paragraph break]";
			say "Eris steps forward.  'Mine.  Not yours,' she says to Juno.  They glare at each other.[paragraph break]";
			say "'To the Halls of Justice!' booms Jupiter.  You get the feeling he loves saying that.";
			now scenery_argus is boinked;
			increment the score;
			consider the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;
		end if;
		if H is five
		begin;
			say "Argus is bent over, clasping his broken nose, and his rectum is gaping right at you.  The entire Banana disappears, as does your right arm up to the wrist.  There is shocked silence among the gods, broken only by Argus's gaspy weeping.  Mars begins to clap, but then Pluto savagely stomps his instep.  Juno grabs you around the left wrist with a grip of steel and snarls, 'You'll pay for this.'[paragraph break]";
			say "Eris steps forward.  'He's mine.'  Juno glares.[paragraph break]";
			say "Jupiter, struggling to keep his voice solemn, intones, 'To the Halls of Justice, then.'";
			now scenery_argus is boinked;
			increment the score;
			consider the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;
		end if;
	otherwise;
		if H is three
		begin;
			say "You barely get the tip of your penis between Argus's butt-cheeks.  He wriggles away and siezes you by the throat.  As he begins to squeeze, Eris's voice rings out: 'Stop right there!'";
			consider the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;
		end if;
		if H is four
		begin;
			say "You drive your dick up Argus's butt.  He lurches forward and disengages, and then topples onto his forehead and knees.  You reach forward and insert the Golden Banana into his ass, but before you can push it in, Juno grabs your arms and pinions them behind your back.  'Who put you up to this?' she snarls.[paragraph break]";
			say "Her eyes narrow as Eris steps forward.  'I did.'  It looks as if there's about to be a catfight.[paragraph break]";
			say "Jupiter booms, 'Ladies, Ladies.  To the Halls of Justice!'";
			now scenery_argus is boinked;
			increment the score;
			consider the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;
		end if;
		if H is five
		begin;
			say "Argus is doubled over, clasping his broken nose.  His sphincter is agape and pointing right at you.  You slide in.  Three solid thrusts produce a violent ejaculation from you.  You pull out, squeegee semen from your dripping dick into one of the eyes on his left ass-cheek, and flourish the Golden Banana of Discord.[paragraph break]";
			say "You insert it into his rectum until just the tip is peeking out, like the cherry on top of an ice-cream sundae.[paragraph break]";
			say "The gods are frozen in silent horror.  The only sound is Argus's gaspy weeping.  Then Mars starts to applaud.  Pluto savagely steps on his foot.  Juno grabs you around the left wrist with a grip of steel and snarls, 'You'll pay for this.'[paragraph break]";
			say "Eris steps forward.  'He's mine.'  Juno glares.[paragraph break]";
			say "Jupiter, struggling to keep his voice solemn, intones, 'To the Halls of Justice, then.'";
			now scenery_argus is boinked;
			increment the score;
			consider the to-the-halls-of-justice rule;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the location is not the Halls of Justice and the story has not ended
	begin;
		say "BUG!  How did you get here?";
	end if;
	stop the action.
	
This is the to-the-halls-of-justice rule:
	repeat with R running through things contained by the player
	begin;
		remove R from play;
	end repeat;
	move the stiffycock to the player;
	consider the major-scene-change rule;
	move scenery_jove to Halls of Justice;
	move scenery_Juno to Halls of Justice;
	move scenery_Eris to Halls of Justice;
	move scenery_Argus to Halls of Justice;
	now the description of scenery_jove is "Grim-visaged Jupiter presides over the trial.";
	now the description of scenery_Juno is "Juno is livid with rage.";
	now the description of scenery_Eris is "Eris has a half-smirk on her face.";
	move the player to Halls of Justice;
	stop the action.
			
Instead of doing anything other than examining with scenery_argus, say "You're pretty sure you are going to need the element of surprise to deal with Argus."

Volume Twenty-One - "The Trials of Stiffy"

Halls of Justice is a room in Olympus.  The description is "The Halls of Justice are a cavernous space of marble and fountains.  It's somewhat hard to look around, since you are shackled to a pillar."

Justice_shackles is scenery in Halls of Justice.  The description is "You are chained to a convenient pillar with heavy iron shackles."  Understand "shackle", "shackles", "convenient", "pillar", "pillars", "heavy", "iron", "chain", and "chains" as justice_shackles.  The printed name is "shackles".

Justice_scenery is scenery in Halls of Justice.  The description is "Fountains, marble, high ceilings.  Pretty much what you'd expect.  Nearer to you, Jupiter stands behind a lectern, with Justitia at his side holding her scales.  Juno and Argus are to his left, Eris to his right."  The printed name is "Halls of Justice".  Understand "hall", "halls", "justice", "fountain", "fountains", "marble", "ceiling", "floor", "ceilings", "floors", and "lectern" as justice_scenery.

Scenery_justitia is a woman in Halls of Justice.  She is scenery.  She is proper-named.  The printed name is "Justitia".  Understand "Justitia", "Dike", "Themis", "scales", "scale", "sword", "blindfolded", and "blindfold" as scenery_Justitia.  The description is "Justitia, blindfolded, holds a pair of scales and a sword."

Trial is a recurring scene.  Trial begins when the location is Halls of Justice.  Trial ends when location is not Halls of Justice.

Test trial1 with "z/z/z/z".
Test trial2 with "z/z/z/z/z/z".

Instead of asking someone about something during Trial:
	say "Your tongue refuses to move."

Instead of doing anything other than examining, taking inventory, or waiting during Trial:
	say "You are held fast by your shackles."
	
Every turn during Trial:
	if the time since Trial began is one minute
	begin;
		say "Jupiter clears his throat.  'Today we hear the case of [italic type]Argus v. Stiffy[roman type].  Argus will be represented by his counsel Juno, and the mortal Makane by Eris.'";
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is two minutes
	begin;
		say "Juno steps forward.  'Your honor,' she says, 'the prosecution's case is simple.  This vile mortal ascended Olympus and most foully attempted to sodomize the plaintiff.  He must be punished for his misdeeds.  Not only is he a trespasser, he is a violater!'  Argus nods his head vigorously.";
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is three minutes
	begin;
		say "Eris smiles sweetly.  'Everything my esteemed colleague says is true.  However, the mortal Stiffy Makane did this at my behest, and I promised him immortality, if only he were able to anally violate Argus with the Golden Banana of Discord.  My reasons for doing so were my own, and need not concern us here.'  Juno glares poisonously at her.";
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is four minutes
	begin;
		if scenery_argus is unboinked
		begin;
				say "Argus pipes up.  'Hey!  Wait a second!  First, he didn't fuck me with the Banana, and second, he didn't even get it in!'[paragraph break]";
			say "Jupiter nudges Justitia, who frowns a moment, and then says 'True and true.'[paragraph break]";
			say "Eris grimaces.  'Dammit, Stiffy, why didn't you just use the goddamn Banana like I told you?'[paragraph break]";
			say "Jupiter shrugs.  'I find for the plaintiff.  Sorry, Mister Makane.  Better luck next incarnation.'  Then he flings a thunderbolt at you.";
			end the story saying "You have snatched defeat from halfway down the throat of victory";
		otherwise;
			[yep, from here on out, you've made it--you're immortal!]
			if scenery_argus is warned_about
			begin;
				say "Argus shouts, 'Hey!  Just a second here!  He didn't even get it in!'[paragraph break]";
				say "Jupiter nudges Justitia.  She frowns for a moment and then taps her foot and inclines her blindfolded head towards Argus.[paragraph break]";
				say "'...much,' finishes Argus in a much smaller voice.  Juno puts her face in her hands.[paragraph break]";
				say "Jupiter grins broadly.  'In that case,' he intones, 'I find for the defendant.'";
			otherwise;
				say "Jupiter smiles.  'Looks pretty open-and-shut to me.  I find for the defendant.'";
			end if;
		end if;
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is five minutes
	begin;
		say "An invisible choir sings, and you are bathed in radiance...[line break]The voice of Eris booms out: 'Congratulations, mortal!'[line break]'In return for thy service, I grant the the gift of Immortality!'[line break]You ascend to the status of Demigod[87 as a reference]...";
		now the right hand status line is "Immortal";
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is six minutes
	begin;
		say "Jupiter looks you over approvingly.  'Fertility god.  Nice.  Appropriate, too, given your career.  So, what are you doing later...?'  Juno glares at him.";
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is seven minutes
	begin;
		say "Juno whines, 'But he humiliated my client.  He and I are prepared to concede the immortality,' (Argus looks unsure on this point), 'but there must be accountability and punishment for his transgressions.'  Argus smirks douchily as Jupiter looks pensive.  Eris gulps.";
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is eight minutes
	begin;
		say "Jupiter finally nods.  'You're right, of course,' he says to Juno.  'Sorry, Stiffy,' he tells you, as he points a finger at you.  'I hereby sentence you to be transformed into a pumpkin.  An immortal and very sexy pumpkin, to be sure, but a pumpkin nonetheless.'  He draws back his thumb.[paragraph break]";
		say "'Wait!' shouts Eris.";
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is nine minutes
	begin;
		say "Eris says, 'My client and I insist upon an escape clause.  The Laws of Narrative state that all curses must come with a way to break them'[paragraph break]";
		say "Juno mouths, 'Suck it!' at Eris, who gestures towards her crotch.  Argus looks amused.[paragraph break]";
		say "Jupiter meditates for a moment and says, 'Indeed.  Stiffy, you are now a god.  However, you are an extremely minor one.  If and when you acquire mortal worshippers and manifest yourself to them, this curse will be lifted.  At that time, you will be permitted to return, resume your normal form, and be reinstated as a full Olympian deity in good standing with all rights and privileges appertaining et cetera.  Until that occurs, even if it takes all eternity, you will remain a[emdash]delightfully sexy[emdash]pumpkin.  I have spoken.'[paragraph break]";
		say "Eris, Juno, and Argus all look unhappy.";
	end if;
	if the time since Trial began is ten minutes
	begin;
		say "Jupiter's thumb bends; his index finger sparks....[paragraph break]";
		say "[italic type]BANG![roman type][paragraph break]";
		say "You're a pumpkin.";
		now the player is a pumpkin;
		consider the major-scene-change rule;
		say "You are carried to the garden and placed on the ground.";
		now the endgame start is the turn count;
	end if.

Volume Twenty-Two - "Endgame"

Book One - "Mechanisms"

The endgame start is a number that varies.  The endgame start is 0;

Endgame is a scene.  Endgame begins when the player is a pumpkin. [Endgame does not end.]

A pumpkin is a person[Damn I7's type system!] in Olympic Garden.  The description is "Large.  Round.  Orange.  Stem on top.  Immobile."

Eternity is a region.

Olympic Garden is a room in Olympus.  Macedonian Hillside is a room in Macedonia.
Ruined Villa is a room in Eternity.  Pumpkin Patch is a room in Eternity.  Atomic Wasteland is a room in Eternity.  Ant-Man Kingdom is a room in Eternity.  Deep Space is a room in Eternity.  Black Hole is a room in Eternity.

Test endgame1 with "z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z".
Test endgame2 with "z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z/z".

Instead of doing anything other than arising, praying, going, waiting or looking when the player is a pumpkin, say "Pumpkins can't do anything that complicated."

Instead of going up when the player is a pumpkin:
	if the player is not warned_about or the player is boinked, instead try going down;
	try arising.
	
Instead of going when the player is a pumpkin:
	say "Pumpkins can't do anything that complicated.";
	stop the action.

Instead of looking when the player is a pumpkin, say "Although you lack sensory organs, you are still somehow dimly aware of your surroundings."

Book Two - "Tempus Edax Rerum"

Every turn during Endgame:
	let T be the turn count;
	let S be the endgame start;
	let E be T - S;
	if E is one
	begin;
		now the player is unboinked;
		say "Jupiter clears his throat.  'Fellow deities,' he begins.  'I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of our divine ranks.  This is Stiffy Makane, whom you may remember from his little performance in the Grand Palace.  Isn't he,' he continues, pausing to lasciviously rub your orange hull, 'the most gorgeous pumpkin you've ever seen?'  There is a murmur of assent.";
	end if;
	if E is two
	begin;
		say "There's a sudden sharp pain, and you realize that Jupiter is carving a small hole in your shell, a little way below the stem.  Uh oh.  This can't be good.  There is the rustle of disrobing.";
	end if;
	if E is three
	begin;
		say "'As is my right as king of the gods, firsties!' shouts Jupiter, and enthusiastically fucks the hole he has just cut.  Actually, it's not unpleasant.  He sighs as his orgasm shakes him.";
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is four
	begin;
		say "'As the sponsor of Divine Stiffy Makane's ascension, and to discharge my debt to him,' says Eris, 'I'll go next.'  You feel her bend down next to you, pat you on the side, and say, 'Sorry, Stiffy.  I know this wasn't quite how you had imagined receiving your reward.'  Then she proceeds to squat over your stem and bounce her way to a screaming climax.";
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is five
	begin;
		say "There's a sudden impact as Argus kicks you.  'See how [italic type]you[roman type] like it, bitch!' he snarls, and proceeds to methodically rape you with each of his hundred penises.";
		increase the score by 100;
	end if;
	if E is six
	begin;
		say "Mercury, Bacchus, Neptune, and Pluto all gang-bang you, but it's completely hetero and not gay at all.  Really.";
		increase the score by 4;
	end if;
	if E is seven
	begin;
		say "Caesar says, 'Well, I guess I'm ready to get back on that horse,' and does.";
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is eight
	begin;
		say "You enjoy a few minutes of blissful peace and quiet.";
	end if;
	if E is nine
	begin;
		say "Juno stalks into the garden, looks around to be sure no one is watching, and pleasures herself on your stem.";
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is ten
	begin;
		say "A drunken Mars/Minerva combo tag-teams you.";
		increase the score by two;
	end if;
	if E is eleven
	begin;
		say "There's a soft quacking, and Anas humps herself to an avian orgasm against your shell.  'Oh, c'mon,' she explains, 'I may be Jupiter's toy now, but, seriously, vegetables don't count!'";
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is twelve
	begin;
		say "Argus comes back for seconds,";
		increase the score by 100;
	end if;
	if E is 13
	begin;
		say "Over the course of a few months, you are gradually visited less and less frequently.";
		let Q be a random number between 537 and 1009;
		increase the score by Q;
	end if;
	if E is 14
	begin;
		say "Eris whispers, quite close to you.  'I think everyone's forgotten about you.  Don't worry, I've told Festus where to find you.  And, hey, once more for luck....'";
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is 15
	begin;
		say "Suddenly, you're falling.  You hit stony ground with a bump, but don't shatter.  Guess you really [italic type]are[roman type] immortal.  You roll down the slopes of Olympus, and eventually come to rest.";
		now the location is Macedonian Hillside;
	end if;
	if E is 16
	begin;
		say "A curious fox wanders by, nibbles at you, doesn't like the taste, decides it doesn't have to pee, and fucks you instead.";
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is 17
	begin;
		say "A familiar voice rings out 'Oh, [italic type]there[roman type] you are, Stiffy!  Wow, Eris wasn't lying!  You [italic type]are[roman type] looking good!'  Well, at least Festus is predictable.";
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is 18
	begin;
		say "Festus takes you back home to Ostia and installs you in the Peristyle.  You are treated like the other lares and penates, which is to say with respect but no actual worship.  Unlike the other household gods, though, you receive fairly consistent erotic attention.";
		now the location is Peristyle;
		let Q be a random number between 25 and 97;
		increase the score by Q;
	end if;
	if E is 19
	begin;
		say "Many years pass.  Your aged father manumits Festus and names him as his heir.  In the natural course of time, Festus becomes master of the Makane household.";
		let Q be a random number between 25 and 97;
		increase the score by Q;
	end if;
	if E is 20
	begin;
		say "Festus fathers many children, and eventually dies at a quite advanced age.";
		let Q be a random number between 25 and 97;
		increase the score by Q;
	end if;	
	if E is 21
	begin;
		say "Many generations pass.";
		let Q be a random number between 114 and 224;
		increase the score by Q;
	end if;
	if E is 22
	begin;
		say "Rome falls to the barbarians.  The villa is sacked.";
		now the location is Ruined Villa;
		increment the score;
	end if;
	if E is 23
	begin;
		say "The Dark Ages pass uneventfully for you, with only the occasional passing wanderer to break the monotony.";
		let Q be a random number between 26 and 59;
		increase the score by Q;
	end if;
	if E is 24
	begin;
		say "Frankly, the Middle Ages and the Renaissance aren't a whole lot better, but there's more traffic.";
		let Q be a random number between 136 and 211;
		increase the score by Q;		
	end if;
	if E is 25
	begin;
		say "A Dutchman by the name of Van Pelt acquires you as part of an agricultural lot.  You go on a long sea voyage and end up in a pumpkin patch north and west of New Amsterdam.";
		now the location is Pumpkin Patch;
		increase the score by 22;
	end if;
	if E is 26
	begin;
		say "A couple more centuries pass.";
		let Q be a random number between 23 and 31;
		increase the score by Q;
	end if;
	if E is 27
	begin;
		now the player is warned_about;
		choose a row with a character of "Peanuts cast" in the Table of Fictional Cast Members;
		now the met entry is true;
		say "Wait, what's this?  One fall, a boy with an oddly-misshapen head, his similarly ill-favored sister, a boy with an enormous round head and a zigzag on his shirt, a couple other children, and their black-and-white beagle all come out to the pumpkin patch at midnight.[paragraph break]";
		say "The boy with the blanket shouts, 'Arise, O Great Pumpkin!  Arise!'[paragraph break]";
		say "He gestures to his companions, and soon they too are chanting, 'Arise, O Great Pumpkin, Arise!";
	end if;
	if E is 28
	begin;
		say "The children, a little older, come back this year.  Once again, they gather in the pumpkin patch and chant 'Arise, O Great Pumpkin, Arise!'";
	end if;
	if E is 29
	begin;
		say "The children are nearly pubescent this year.  They still chant 'Arise, O Great Pumpkin, Arise!' but they seem self-conscious about it.  You don't think they'll be back another year.";
	end if;
	if E is 30
	begin;
		now the player is boinked; [ "fucked" would be more accurate ]
		say "Sure enough, the children don't come back.";
	end if;
	if E is 31
	begin;
		say "Time passes.  Technological marvels abound: satellites, communications networks, flying cars, genetically-engineered pet dinosaurs.  Not a lot in the way of vegetable-fuckers, though.";
		let Q be a random number between 12 and 16;
		increase the score by Q;
	end if;
	if E is 32
	begin;
		say "There's a very, very bright flash and an extremely loud noise.";
		now the location is Atomic Wasteland;
	end if;
	if E is 33
	begin;
		say "Years pass.  You are undisturbed.";
	end if;
	if E is 34
	begin;
		say "Decades pass.  You are undisturbed.";
	end if;
	if E is 35
	begin;
		say "Centuries pass.  You are undisturbed.";
	end if;
	if E is 36
	begin;
		say "Milennia pass.  You are undisturbed.";
	end if;
	if E is 37
	begin;
		say "Millions of years pass.  You are undisturbed.";
	end if;
	if E is 38
	begin;
		say "Eventually, a new breed of men[emdash]ant-men, to be precise[emdash]start their own civilization.  They do not appear to find pumpkins alluring in the slightest.";
		now the location is Ant-Man Kingdom;
	end if;
	if E is 39
	begin;
		say "That civilization eventually destroys itself, too.";
		now the location is Atomic Wasteland;
	end if;
	if E is 40
	begin;
		say "Dozens more dominant species come and go.";
	end if;
	if E is 41
	begin;
		say "The sun goes nova.";
		now the location is Deep Space;
	end if;
	if E is 42
	begin;
		say "You drift through interstellar space for several billion years.";
	end if;
	if E is 43
	begin;
		say "You swing near the black hole at the center of what's left of the Milky Way and are slingshot-cast into intergalactic space.";
	end if;
	if e is 44
	begin;
		say "You drift through intergalactic space for several hundred billion years.  Almost all the stars burn out.  Galactic black holes coalesce.";
	end if;
	if e is 45
	begin;
		say "You drift for an almost inconceivably huge amount of time.  Protons decay.  You don't.";
	end if;
	if e is 46
	begin;
		say "Eventually, you are pulled beyond the event horizon that encloses a supermassive black hole.";
		now the location is Black Hole;
	end if;
	if E is 47
	begin;
		say "Not even the Narrator can say what happens in [italic type]there[roman type].";
		end the story saying "Immortality[emdash]but not the good kind";
	end if.	
		
