<<if $nocuss>>//(dear little bird video game,)//<<endif>>\n\n//(the amount of smut you are exposing to the world is frankly, beyond excessive. While I am concerned for your mental well-being, the larger issue is how you affect others)//\n\n//(are you aware that tens of people visit the internet per day? those could be nubile young minds, ready to molded like clay, or warped?)//\n\n//(please do yourself a favor: seek help and get out of our faces. you disgust me)//\n\n<<if $nocuss>>//(sincerely, the no-cussin' option)//<<endif>>
//<h4>Kkkkzzztt</h4>//\n<<if $lyricreveal and $ neq 1>><span class = lyric>"Baby blue, baby blue,</span><<else>>"Baby blue, baby blue,<<endif>> come in, baby blue."\n\n//<h4>Kkkrrzzztt</h4>//\n\n"cheep"\n\n//<h4>Kkkrrzzttt</h4>//\n\n"Roger, we hear you got a fresh shipment ready."\n\n\nBy the end of the day, a small bird has sold your kidneys to truckers.\n<h2>THE END</h2><<nobr>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $kidneyend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Change of plans, pull over]]</small>\n<<if $kidneyend neq 1>>\n<<remember $kidneyend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $babyblue neq 1>>\n<<remember $babyblue += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
<<if $yeah4 and $lyricreveal>><span class="lyric">"Yeah,</span><<else>>"Yeah,<<endif>> the thing on the right of the screen - it looks like a movie camera - just tap it."\n\n"Then hit capture?"\n\n"No, that'll stop the film and take a picture. The movie camera starts recording automatically."\n\n"Oh - okay."\n\nThey toss you on into the gunk and you melt.\n\n<h2>THE END</h2>\n<<nobr>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $instructionend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Volcano Room]]</small>\n<<if $yeah4 neq 1>>\n<<remember $yeah4 += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n<<if $instructionend neq 1>>\n<<remember $instructionend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>\n
<<nobr>><<forget $endcount>>\n<<forget $lyrics>>\n\n<<forget $newlyricswitch>>\n<<forget $trackendswitch>>\n<<forget $tracklyrics>>\n<<forget $trackends>>\n<<forget $endreveal>>\n<<forget $lyricreveal>>\n\n<<forget $truckend>>\n<<forget $instructionend >>\n<<forget $waterendmerry>>\n<<forget $craterend>>\n<<forget $prisonend>>\n<<forget $ravenend>>\n<<forget $soaend>>\n<<forget $comaend>>\n<<forget $unfortunateend>>\n<<forget $peelend>>\n<<forget $satisfyend>>\n<<forget $marinoend>>\n<<forget $apocend>>\n<<forget $corruptend>>\n<<forget $kidneyend>>\n<<forget $gunend>>\n<<forget $racistend>>\n\n<<forget $goosewaterend>>\n<<forget $goosevalend>>\n<<forget $goosepeelend>>\n<<forget $goosepoliceend>>\n\n<<forget $follow>>\n<<forget $nowhere>>\n<<forget $babyblue>>\n<<forget $eyesonroad>>\n<<forget $median>>\n<<forget $returned>>\n<<forget $regardless>>\n<<forget $skyward>>\n<<forget $moved>>\n<<forget $yeah1>>\n<<forget $yeah2>>\n<<forget $yeah3>>\n<<forget $yeah4>><<endnobr>><<display start>>\n
Yes, you and your new companion. You're going to see it all.\n\nYou nudge it awake.\n\n"Hey little guy, I imagine you haven't seen much of the outside world, eh?"\n\nThe bird sleepily rubs its eyes, which freaks you out a little, frankly.\n\n"It may be cruel, but this is still a beautiful nation. [[And we're going to experience it. Every last inch."|sick of america]]
Your cover is blown! \n\nThe footsteps are now coming closer and closer as you desperately look for a way out. \n\nJust as you're prepping for a four story drop into a dumpster (just tuck and roll), the door bursts open.\n\nOfficer Anger gives out a blood curdling scream, firing her guns wildly into the air.\n\nThe other officer takes advantage of the distraction and tackles you.\n\n"Fer Chrissakes, Angela," says Officer Slops. He slobbers all over your back as he handcuffs you. "Cool it with the gunfire for once. What's that do for the budget? You're expected to hit at least one criminal with each bullet, you know?"\n\nShe bashes a lamp against the television.\n\n Officer Slops leads you down the hall. "Classic amateur mistake," he says, getting grease in your hair. "We get most criminals this way."\n\n[[You run into fbi agents.|mis]]
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\nThe Marmaduke of Birds immediately smashes in through the wall, covered by post-it notes and dragging someone's desk behind its back. It yells horribly as it swings around to face you, knocking two agents directly into the pit. The rest either voluntarily jump, retreat, or simply quit right there on the spot.\n<br>\n<br>"You've come for me!" you say, dreamily.\n<br>\n<br>You can hardly believe it when the Goostrich turns around and kneels, so that you may mount it. This is glorious.\n<br>\n<br>"To Bird-Valhalla!" you proudly declare. The Goostrich gets lost a few times on the way (You keep having to ask directions as various Quik-Trips), but a few months later, you finally ascend.\n<br>\n<br>Bird-Valhalla is pretty sweet. Grander than your wildest dreams, even. The only downside is that, regardless of what you'd been led to believe, the Goostrich is not as much a "God" as a "pariah" to the other birds.\n<br>\n<br>The two of you are ordered to remain on the very outskirts of B-V, so that nobody is ever forced to interact with you. No matter. You peacefully spend eternity re-watching the Goostrich's favorite show, //Baby Talk// (the tv spin-off of //Look Who's Talking// (look it up) ).\n<br>\n<br>You can't really hear the show over the Goostrich's eternal shrieks, but it's okay. You know where the funny parts are, because it laughs for you.\n<br>\n<br><h2>THE END</h2>\n<br><h3>You probably won!</h3>\n<br><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $goosevalend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$actualendcount + 1 + $endcount>> of <<$actualpossibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>><<if $goosevalend neq 1>>\n<<remember $goosevalend += 1>>\n<<remember $actualendcount += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endnobr>><<else>>You eye the volcanic hellsmouth anxiously.\n\n“Say,” you tell them. “What’s his deal with birds, anyway?”\n\nThe gossip-y agent doesn’t look up. “Well, you know, that whole thing.”\n\n“Oh, no, I’m quite stupid, actually.”\n\nThey all stare at you dumb-founded. “Well, I guess you //look// stupid enough..” one says, tentatively.\n\nYou wipe your nose on your sleeve.\n\nThe agent with your phone waves them off. “This’ll be a while. Just humor him.”\n\n“Fine,” they say. “Listen, you know how they say birds are Satan’s angels?”\n\nWell, obviously. Bastard’s been saying that for ages. You nod your head.\n\n“Well, it only stands to reason that they would want to ruin Mr. President’s life. He famously declared in 2017 that they were to be killed on sight, as well as anyone associating with them, such as yourself.”\n\nWell, duh. You attempt not to fall asleep, and try to think of a stupid question to buy more time.\n“But what did they do that was so bad?”\n\nThe agents all gasp at your utter ignorance of even basic knowledge. You shrug in an endearingly Urkelish manner, you think.\n\n“They shit in his food during the Presidental Pic-a-nic! What do you think the eyepatches are about?!”\n\nThe agent with your phone announces he has it working, but you cut him off with another question:\n\n“....I totally forgot about the eyepatches, actually.”\n\n“You forgot that every single human on earth is wearing an eyepatch?”\n\n“Slipped my mind.”\n\n“Christ. Obviously, any surviving birds are threats to our dear leader. He wisely chose to protect a ‘back-up’ eye, in case of an attack. And of course, we simply join him in solidarity.”\n\nWith that, the Secret Service finally drag you dangerously close to the volcano. You try to think of any other question at all.\n\n“Well, what-”\n\nThey punch you in the gut to stop your inane questions, but you manage to spit one out.\n\n“I-If he was elected 20 years ago, and I was old enough to vote for him, wouldn’t that mean...I mean, why aren’t I aware of what a bird is, then?”\n\nThe agents all stop once again, moaning slapping their foreheads simultaneously, with a deafening “thwack.”\n\n“It’s because you’re an id-”\n\nCRACK!\n\n[[SUDDENLY, BIRDS]]<<endif>>\n
Soon enough, your car is pushed towards that far-off landmark you had spotted while sinking.\n\nIt turned out to be a castle, filled with Sea People! They swim and dance at your approach. Underwater bugles are sounded in celebration.\n\nThe Sea Person King walks towards you with open arms as the servants roll out a red carpet for you and your beaked companion, and gallantly open the door.\n\nThe Sea King raises his arms grandly.\n"Welcome, my friends! Welcome....to //Atlantis!//"\n\nUnfortunately, you are unable to hear this, as water flooded the inside of the car and drowned you within minutes.\n\n<h1>THE END</h1>\n<h1>YOU HAVE DIED.</h1><<nobr>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $craterend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Reverse!]]</small>\n<<if $craterend neq 1>>\n<<remember $craterend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
<<nobr>>[[A ShuffleComp Story|http://www.intfiction.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=12372]]|[[based off a song|http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe9sjEw11NY&feature=kp]]|[[and made by a guy|http://www.socksmeanie.com]]<br>\n@@font-size:.7em;Thanks to Molly [["Healy"|http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/blog/1080]] G. and the mysterious Robert Whitlock for testing!@@<<endnobr>>
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\n''The Bird Militia regrets to inform you that it will not be arriving. We'd been planning this for a while, but (turn over)''\n<br>\n<br>You turn the card over.\n<br>\n<br>''But ugh, not the Goostrich. The Bird Militia can't stand that thing. It's coming by itself, but it'll (next card)''\n<br>\n<br>The bluebird hands over another card. You start to give it a lecture over the importance of practical design over looking fancy, but it flies away.\n<br>\n<br>''probably screw things up, if The Bird Militia is being honest. If you wish to summon the probably-lost Goostrich (and why would you), just make a relaxed sigh, like'' (you turn it over) ''you're finally free of some burden. Peace. - Birds''\n<br>\n<br>You can't think of one //possible reason// why you wouldn't want the help of that wonderful mix of the most lovable of birds.\n<br>\n<br>[[Summon the Goostrich|Stall for time]]\n<<endnobr>><<else>>"Yeah, you gotta go into 'mode', then hit 'motion picture', then hit the capture button."\n\n"Uh, okay..."\n\n"Got it?"\n\n"Y-No. It stopped after a few seconds. What the heck?"\n\n"Oh, the Galaxy does that sometimes."\n\n"I heard this phone was really good, that kinda sucks."\n\n"My phone can do 3D," someone unhelpfully adds. \n\n"Well, I mean, it's good for other stuff," you explain, "but sometimes you have to delete space or it automatically stops. Just empty out the right files, and you'll get a notification saying you can record. I like the phone, anyway."\n\n"Cool, alright. Just hold tight a second."\n\nYou sweat a bit. "You guys mind if I ask you a question?"\n\nThey're all pretty focused on the phone. You decide to just go ahead.\n\n[[Stall for time]]\n\n[[Just satisfy your curiosity before being melted up]]<<endif>>\n
<<set $possibleend to 17>><<set $actualpossibleend to $possibleend + 4>><<set $trash to 0>><<set $possiblelyrics to 13>><<set $back to "off">><<remember $Goostrich>><<remember $trackends>><<remember $endreveal>><<remember $tracklyrics>><<remember $lyricreveal>><<remember $nocuss>><<display start>>\n
<h2>Two years pass, and you are sick of America.</h2>\n\n"So, that's the U.S." you comment to the bird. "Three trips, back and forth. It's pretty much all the majesty there is to see."\n\nIt chirps.\n\n<<if $yeah3 and $lyricreveal>><span class="lyric">"Yeah.</span><<else>>"Yeah.<<endif>> I'm pretty fucking tired of it, myself."<<if $nocuss>>//( :O! )//<<endif>>\nYou signal a left, and turn into a McDonalds. You order a coffee for yourself, and some sesame seeds for the bird (by this point, you don't even need to ask anymore). You pull ahead to the pay window.\n\nThe bird chitters as you hand over the money.\n\n"Yeah? What do you think Canada's got, that's gonna be worth the trip?"\n\nThe bird chirps a response.\n\n"What the hell is Poutine?"<<if $nocuss>>//( :( )//<<endif>>\n\nA tweet.\n\n"Oh. That actually does kinda sound good. You wanna blow up another government building before we leave?" (The two of you had become radicalists)\n\nYou blow up a government building. Nine people die.\nPoutine turns out to be excellent.\n\n<h2>The End</h2><<nobr>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $soaend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Pull into gear]]</small><<if $nocuss>><br>//(frankly the amount of death is just ridiculous as well.)//<<endif>>\n<<if $soaend neq 1>>\n<<remember $soaend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n<<if $yeah3 neq 1>>\n<<remember $yeah3 += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
You’re back in the interrogation room, and Marino is once again nervously pacing back and forth, pouring cup after cup.\n\n“What do you know?” he demands, nervously.\n\nYou shrug. “Only that you need a friend.”\n\nMarino pours another cup, as if he couldn’t hear you.\n\n“It’s awful, Marino. The way they treat you.”\n\n“That’s part of the job,” he says. “Just like it’s mine to get you to tell us what you know.”\n\n“What if it wasn’t? What then?”\n\nHe doesn’t answer.\n\n“Marino, you want to know why I blew up that orphanage? It was so I could talk to you. You need a friend.”\n\n“You could have just walked into the station and talked to me.”\n\nYou stand up straight. “We all could have done a lot of things! You could have quit your job. You could have stayed at night school, learned what to do with those coffee cups!”\n\nYou gesture to the pile of mugs, now completely obscuring his desk. There’s at least a dozen thousand.\n\n“I kno-”\n\n“You don’t. <<if $regardless neq 1 and $lyricreveal>>\n<span class =lyric>Contrary to what you have heard</span><<else>>Contrary to what you have heard<<endif>>, you really don’t know. They’re for drinking.”\n\nThe officer turns pale. “I have to //drink// all of these?”\n\n“No.” You lean forward. “//Run away with me, Marino.// Away from all of this. We’ll live together as friends, we’ll catch ballgames, drink beverages, make jokes. It’ll be like a dream.”\n\nMarino stares at the cup in silence. He walks over to his desk, shoves aside the cups, and grabs his coat.\n\n“Let’s go,” he says, unlocking your handcuffs.\n\nThe two of you drive off into the sunset to share a beautiful, meaningful friendship that lasts about two months before your drinking habits drive him off. You’ll be glad, though. Since the day he showed you his stamp collection, you’d been struggling to tolerate his presence.\n\n<h2>THE END</h2><<nobr>><<if $marinoend neq 1>><<if $endreveal>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Let yourself out]]</small>\n<br><<if $regardless neq 1>>\n<<remember $regardless += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n<<if $marinoend neq 1>>\n<<remember $marinoend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>\n
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>"What's that?!" you yell, distracting the bird.\n<br>\n<br>That's all the opening you need. You sprint like mad out the door and into a nearby alley. That thing is going to get you killed if you don't watch it.\n<br>\n<br>You stand silently, back to the wall. Maybe it's gone.\n<br>HOOOONNKKKKKKKK\n<br>\n<br>God <<if $nocuss>>(HOOOONNKKKKKK) <<endif>>fucking dammit. \n<br>You turn around to see the Goostrich with a piece of paper in its mouth. It seems to be offering it to you. It somehow obtained the deed to your house\n<<endnobr>><<else>>You hurriedly walk into a nearby alley, make sure nobody's looking, and open up your case. \n\nThe little bluebird looks up at you. He is completely unperturbed by the whole incident.\n\n"Look," you say, "you have my full sympathy. But - I just can't do this. I don't have it in me."\n\nYou rustle the case gently, just enough to move the bird back onto the ground.\n\n"Good luck," you say. "[[I'm sorry I can't help]]."\n\nYou walk away, back home. Back to your life.<<endif>>
Turns out, birds are pretty racist. \n\nYou later leave it by the side of the road.\n\n<h2>The End</h2><<nobr>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $racistend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Reverse!]]</small>\n<<if $racistend neq 1>>\n<<remember $racistend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
SPLASH!\n\nIn the blink of an eye, your car is plunging at massive speeds towards the bottom of the lake.\n\nYou scowl as you roll up the windows. Air conditioning wastes gas. At any rate, there's not much to do except plummet, it seems.\n\n[[Check on the bird|Lake Check on Bird]]\n\n[[Aim for a decent landing spot]]
You really don't like prison that much.\n\n"This sucks!" you wail, as you're shanked in the butt. "I hate prison!"<<if $nocuss>>//(it's not a swear but certainly not necessary. I mean, really.)//<<endif>>\n\nShankin' Steve stops shanking your bottom. "Really? I hate it, too!"\n\nAnd that's how you met your best friend in the whole wide world. An informal poll will report that, as it happens, nobody in the whole yard enjoys being stuck there! Aside from Pete, that is. Pete used to live in somebody's oven (getting discovered was how he wound up here, incidentally).\n\nYou and Steve decide to make a difference. Make this everyone's prison! A brief discussion with a shocked warden results in smooth jazz over the P.A., Ice Cream Tuesdays, and gift certificates for Denny's! (most of you will never see a Denny's again, but the gesture means a lot.)\n\nWith the new encouragement, the gangs all decide to do their part by agreeing not to try and kill each other anymore (They form a bond over their mutual interest in things like setting things on fire, and not being stabbed.)\n\nYou and Shankin' Steve look back at the new, enjoyable prison. The pride and sheer feeling of brotherly love cause the two of you to hug. Then Steve shanks you in the eye.\n\n<h2>THE END</h2><<nobr>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $prisonend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Let yourself out]]</small>\n<<if $prisonend neq 1>>\n<<remember $prisonend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
<h2>@@font-size:1.5em;You are now:@@</h2><h1>[img[Fireworks]]@@font-size:1.5em;''BIRD MASTER''@@[img[Fireworks]]</h1>\n
You throw your briefcase. "RUN FOR IT!" you shout.\n\nAs it flies through the window, you realize you probably should have let it out, first. You peek down at the dumpster below to see a cat dragging the case away, handle in its teeth.\n\nWhoops.\n\n<h2>GAME OVER</h2>\n<h3>BIRD PLACED INTO UNFORTUNATE POSITION</h3>\n<<if $unfortunateend neq 1>><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>>\n<small>[[Go back a bit|You've already run back inside the hotel]]</small>\n<<if $unfortunateend neq 1>>\n<<remember $unfortunateend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\nAs you're regaining consciousness, you hear the muddled noises of what sounds like some kind of beratement. You realize you still know what beratement means. So your thinker's probably not busted up too bad.\n<br>\n<br>Anyway.\n<br>\n<br>As you start to come to, you regain focus and realize it's PRESIDENT BASTARD! What an honor! Everybody important wants to hang with you!\n<br>\n<br>President Bastard looks over at you. "Oh, guess he's not in a coma after all," he says. "Go ahead and toss him in. I'm gonna go draw boobs."\n<br>\n<br>You're dragged by Secret Service agents to a nearby room, in front of a dang volcano! You start to object, but it's just been a really long day. Just trust that the commander-in-chief knows what he's doing.\n<br>\n<br>An agent asks you how to get your camera phone working, but you point meaningfully to your dented head. He gets the message, and they start to figure it out themselves.\n<br>\n<br>Unbeknownst to them, you know what "unbeknownst" means. i.e., you're still a genius. You decide to stall for time by asking an obvious question.\n<br>\n<br>"So why is the Goostrich such a big deal, anyway?" you say.\n<br>\n<br>They stare at you in disbelief until you point meaningfully at your dent. That thing is useful.\n<br>\n<br>One agent sighs, and steps forward. "Well, obviously, it's bad enough if you're just associating with a bird, but the //Goostrich,// well that's something el-"\n<br>\n<br>He's interrupted by what sounds like a dull tapping (you think you may have gone slightly deaf though). Turns out there's a little bluebird tapping at the window!\n<br>\n<br>Someone opens a window, and it floats over to you, delivering a ornately designed card to you.\n[[You read it.|Give vague, incorrect instructions]]\n<<endnobr>><<else>>Over the sounds of your objections, Bastard orders the agents to just toss you in and record it. It's pretty darn hot in that room, he'll just watch it later in the tub. You reflect on how neat it must be to be President.\n\nAs he leaves the room, one of the agents holds up your phone, "you wouldn't happen to know how to get this thing going, would you? We can't seem to get it working in video, and we forgot our cameras."\n\n[[Give them accurate instructions]]\n\n[[Give vague, incorrect instructions]]<<endif>>
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\nAs you run through the exit, your ears begin to sting from the unending shrieking and honking of your new friend. //"Bird Gods sure are loud,"// you reflect.\n<br>\n<br>You think there might be yelling, but between the aforementioning shrieks and the concussion pounding away, you can't really tell. //"Just get to the car."//\n<br>\n<br>Once you actually get to what you think might be your vehicle (it's hard to concentrate), you fumble around with your keys, unable to get the door open. They're just so tiny and you can't really....you just need to lay down, probably.\n<br>\n<br>And with another thundering crack, The Goostrich smashes apart your car door. Maybe this bird truly is magic! Probably. You already can't remember what happened.\n<br>\n<br>[[Anyway, get in and...do the thing with the car you were going to do.|Play it casual]]\n<<endnobr>><<else>>Run. Run like there's no tomorrow.\n\nYou dash through the exit, clutching your briefcase as tight as possible.\n\nObviously, you draw attention to yourself, leading the woman sitting behind the front desk stands up and yell. "Hey! Hey, you!"\n\nYou don't bother to check if she's following.\n//"Just get to the car,"// you think to yourself.\n\nYou hear a cheery chirp from your briefcase.\n"Shut up, you!" you shout, harsher than you intended. "We're nearly there, just keep your mouth shut!"\nSure enough, you make it to the car, and toss in the briefcase.\n\n[[Play it casual]]<<endif>>\n\n
"Do you have a gun?"\n\nYou shake your head.\n\n"We'll give you a gun."\n\n"Sounds good!" you say. "Lemme at'em! Pow, Pow!"\n\nThe chief chuckles and gives you a knowing smile. He was a rookie once, too.\n\n--------\n\nLife from that point on became downright magical. One of the best secrets about owning a gun is that you can shoot all your problems.\n<h2>THE END</h2>\n<h3>buy a gun</h3><<nobr>>\n<<if $endreveal>><<if $gunend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Let yourself out]]</small>\n<<if $gunend neq 1>>\n<<remember $gunend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
Hundreds of birds swoop in through the now-broken window, flapping and squawking like mad, terrifying the Secret Service into jumping into the volcano.\n\nYour shock is cut short when you notice something in the crowd. <<if $lyricreveal and $skyward neq 1>><span class = lyric>Looking skyward, you find your bluebird!</span><<else>>Looking skyward, you find your bluebird!<<endif>>\n\n“Thanks little guy!” you shout. “I knew you’d come through for me!”\n\nThe bluebird simply defecates on the floor in response.\n\n“O-okay,” you tell him. “Is there something I can do in re”\n[[The birds are already forcefully pushing you into the oval office]]\n<<if $skyward neq 1>>\n<<remember $skyward += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>>
Beads of sweat form across your neck as you approach the woman behind the lobby desk.\n\nShe looks up from her magazine. "Can I help you?" \nYour heart begins to pound in your ears.\n\n<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>//HOOONKKKKKKK//<br>The Goostrich charges directly into the poor woman and knocks her over with a sickening thud. Something is definitely broken.\n\n<br><br>You apologize profusely to the unconscious figure. Maybe a note begging her not to call the police is in order. And a little money might make her feel a little more forgiving. You reach for your wallet, and pause the moment your hand enters your pocket.\n<br>\n<br>\n"How on earth did you manage to vomit in my pocket."\n\n<<endnobr>><<else>>"Yes, I'm leaving now."\n\nIt beats louder, too loud to hear her response. Your eye locks onto the painting above her. It's a depiction of President Bastard. The panic increases tenfold. //what on Earth have you done? You'll be lucky if all they do is kill you.//\n\nYour hands are cold and clammy. Just forty minutes ago, you had been enjoying breakfast, completely innocent. //Why did this happen?//\n\n"Sir?"\n\nYou snap back to reality. She's been waiting for quite some time.\n\n"I'm sorry. I didn't quite - could..." You cough. "could you say that again?"\n\nWith strained patience, she repeats. "May I have your key?"\n\n"Oh. oh, yes, right." You hand it over. "Have a nice day."\n\nWith an odd look on her face, she waves goodbye as you walk out the door.\n\n\n[[You can't do this. You don't have the nerve.|Don't have the nerve]]<<endif>><<if $Goostrich1>><br>[[Forget the Goostrich and run. It's a liability|Don't have the nerve]]<<endif>>\n<<if $lyricreveal and $nowhere neq 1>><span class = lyric>[[He's got nowhere else to go!]]</span><<else>>[[He's got nowhere else to go!]]<<endif>>\n<<if $nowhere neq 1>>\n<<remember $nowhere += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>>
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\nYou try to stick your head through the door-hole, but fail to lift it.\n<br>\n<br>"//What's happen..en//" you mumble to the steering wheel.\n<br>\n<br>You suddenly feel a bullet whizzing by. They're shooting at the Goostrich! Oh no!\n\n\n<<endnobr>><<else>>\nYou stick your head out the window.\n\n"What seems to be the problem, gents?"\n\nA gunshot flies out of the other car, barely missing you. \n\nYou stick your head back in the window.<<endif>>\n\n[[Reverse!]]\n
I WISHES MORE THAN TO DOS \n\n\n"[[No, the radio smashed into their windshield caused an accident, it's cool.|Make a clean geta-way]]"\n\nBeing stuck in the woods with Angela Anger\n\nA prize for reaching all endings\n\n<<if $back is "on">><br>@@font-size:1.5em;[[Back|previous()]]@@<<endif>>
"Dangit," you say. "I just wanted to talk to the chief! Where is he?!"\n\nThe Sarge is visibily shaken at your outburst.\n\n"Look, I'm sorry - I didn't mean to be a jerk."\n\n"Well I didn't mean to be a fat cop! And look at me now!"\n\nThe other fat cops take that as their cue to swarm you. It takes a while.\n\n[[You spend the rest of your life in prison.|You spend the rest of your life in prison]]
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\nYou stumble across the parking lot in a daze. That head injury really did a number on you. Still, you pause to reflect, this probably-sacred creature has called upon you. You need to do right by it. You can tell it has a higher intelligence - it has the instinct to scream directly into your ear to keep you awake.\n<br>\n<br>BLAM!\n<br>\n<br>Wait, that ear-piercing noise was non-Goostrich! You look to see a police car skidding through a freshly-destroyed wall and landing right in front of your car! There's a loudspeaker, but if it's making a noise, you can't hear it.\n<br>\n<br>Maybe they're here to help! It's hard to remember if the police like or dislike birds. You approach, waving your hands to get their attention.\n<br>\n<br>Luckily, your wise friend has once again saved you. The Goostrich immediately ran over upon spying the others, and began yelling in //their// ears, and demolishing their car with its head. A few shots are fired, but it's hard to aim when you're being jostled so violently.\n<br>"Good work!" you shout, giving it a thumbs up. Then you notice a dart sticking out of your arm. Then you notice //another// vehicle, this one a van, full of what looks like FBI agents. Then you stop noticing things, because guess what? That was elephant tranquilizer.\n<br>\n<br>[[You eventually wake up, though, so that's cool.|Volcano Room]]\n<<endnobr>><<else>>After taking a few steps across the parking lot, you pause to take a deep breath and regain your resolve. That bird needs you.\n\nBLAM!\n\nSuddenly a police car smashes through a far-off wall and lands right in front of your car! You can hear a loudspeaker crackling to life from within the vehicle.\n\n"Give it up!" Demands the voice. "We don't--what? What about the tracker then? Well where is he?"\n\n[[You've already run back inside the hotel]]<<endif>>\n
data:image/gif;base64,
<<set $back to "on">>A <<if $Goostrich>>gigantic goose/ostrich monstrosity just bashed in the wall.<<else>>tiny bluebird is sitting on a nearby windowsill.<<endif>>\n\nYou freeze on the spot, spoonful of cereal still in mouth.\n\n//Holy <<if $nocuss>>(oh golly, here comes a swear) <<endif>>shit,<<if $nocuss>> (I'm so sorry for the swear)<<endif>>//<<if $Goostrich>> //could it be? The legendary Goostrich of yore?//<<else>> //that's a bird.//<<endif>>\n\nYou've seen them on television before, but seeing one in person is a completely different experience.<<nobr>>\n<<if $Goostrich>><br>You attempt to approach the beautiful figure, and it vomits all over your table. Then bites you.<<else>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endnobr>><br>\n[[Sneak a peek at the rest of the hotel lobby]]
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\nYou put your head down on the steering wheel and take a moment to get your bearings. Or sleep, maybe. May-maybe that was your plan. Your head hurts really bad.\n<br>\n<br>BLAM!\n<br>\n<br>Your eyes snap open to see a police car screeching right in front of you!\n<br>\n<br>A loudspeaker is produced from the passenger side door, but all you can hear is the squawking and honking Goostrich.\n<br>//"wha..?"// you think, dazily.\n<br>\n<br>[[They're bad guys! Peel out!|Forget casual, peel out!]]\n<br>[[Ask them if they know what's happening|Stick with your new "casual" strategy]]\n\n<<endnobr>><<else>>You put your head down on the steering wheel and take a moment to collect yourself. You berate yourself for being so suspicious. All you had to do was act normal!\n\nWell, better late than never.\n\nAfter regaining your bearings, you put the car into gear, and begin to press down on the gas pedal.\n\nBLAM!\n\nSuddenly a police car smashes through a nearby wall and lands right in front of you! You can hear a loudspeaker crackling to life from within the vehicle.\n\n"Give it up!" the voice demands. "We don't tolerate bill dodging or bird smugglin'!"\n<<if $nocuss>>//(there's a cuss cover your eyes)//<<endif>>\nShit.\n<<if $nocuss>>//(This is horrible oh no)//<<endif>>\n[[Stick with your new "casual" strategy]]\n[[Forget casual, peel out!]]<<endif>>
"Aw, crap." Slops moans.\n\nOne of the agents steps forward to slap Slops. Slops gets slapped.\n\n"A slap!" says Slops.\n\nOfficer Anger punches a vending machine. It's unclear if this is in response to the situation, or just general fury.\n\n"You're <<if $nocuss>>//(sorry everyone)//<<endif>>damn right a slap! What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demands. "Avian affairs is a federal matter! You know county police can't do a bird-baiting! If we catch you doing this again, you <i>will</i> spend the rest of your lives in prison. Are we clear?"\n\nSlops slobbers a bit.\n\nOfficer Anger starts pistol whipping the machine.\n\n\n"Good." The agent grabs you and walks. "We're taking this scumbag." The agents move outside and toss you in a van. \n\nOne of them chuckles. "You're one unlucky s.o.b.," he says.\n\n[[Later]]\n
Checking on the bird when you should be driving was what got you in this situation! Best wait until you're safe.\n\nYou peel your eye for any sign of a place to aim. Maybe you can land on a friendly group of dolphins?\n\nMaybe they'll carry you to a tropical island. One of those hilarious tiny islands with a single palm tree, like you see in newspaper comics. You laugh riotously just thinking about it. \n\nBut as you stop to catch your breath, you spot something from the corner of your eye.\n\n[[Drive towards it, idiot]]
<<if $Goostrich>>[[You hear a deafening honk.|You hear a twitter]]<<else>>[[You hear a twitter.|You hear a twitter]]<<endif>>
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When you pull into your driveway, the bird is already asleep. You cradle your new, fragile friend in your arms.\n\nYou whisper to it.\n\n[["I'll protect you, little one. We'll live the rest of our lives together, as great friends."|The Unsettling Truth]]
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>You turn around to notice the rest of the lobby's already been demolished, covered in (hopefully) muddy Goostrich tracks. The only remaining folks have been bashed into their table or run for their lives.\n<br>Has this majestic creature...//chosen// you?\n<br><br>You slowly reach down, invitingly, to pet it. It screeches wildly and smashes you against the ceiling, giving you a concussion. Still, concussed by the God of the Birds. Pretty awesome.\n<br><br>[["Goostrich, why don't you follow me home?"|Little bird, why don't you follow me home?"]]\n<<endnobr>><<else>>It seems no one else has spotted the little creature yet. It flutters down to the floor, and bumps into your briefcase. You'd be amazed if you weren't so terrified.\n\nThe poor little guy's probably just looking for a place to hide, and you were just preparing to head home, anyway. But should you really risk it? \n\nYou try to remain inconspicuous as you lean down towards the bird.\n\n"Psst-\n<<nobr>><<if $follow neq 1 and $lyricreveal>><br>\n<span class =lyric>[[Little bird, why don't you follow me home?"]]</span><<else>><br>[[Little bird, why don't you follow me home?"]]<<endif>><br><<endnobr>>\n<<if $follow neq 1>>\n<<remember $follow += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endif>>
A flamingo slaps the pistol out of President Bastard's grip. It slowly struggles to aim it at his head.\n\n"You imbecile!" he seethes. "Do you have any idea what the fuck<<if $nocuss>>//( oh my )//<<endif>> you've done?!"\n\n"I do," you tell him quietly. "I've started a revolution. The time has come for Birds to be treated as more than 2nd class citizens."\n\n____\n\nIncredibly, President Bastard agrees.\n\nYou become the Malcom X of birds. Except you immediately become mad with power and destroy the cause entirely for your own selfish needs, such as bringing your favorite television shows back on the air.\n\nIt's a good life, up till you're assassinated. Doesn't really matter by who, pretty much everyone was gonna get around to it.\n\n<h2>THE END</h2><<nobr>>\n<<if $endreveal>><br><<if $corruptend neq 1>><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Volcano Room]]</small>\n<<if $corruptend neq 1>>\n<<remember $corruptend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
<<if $Goostrich>>[[Goostrich Bird|Start]]<<else>>[[Little Bird|Start]]<<endif>>
<<if $Goostrich>>It sucked!<h2>The End</h2><<else>>Everyone in the station is staring at you when you leave the interrogation room.\n\n"Coffee Mug Marino lets another one loose!" declares a portly police officer. They burst into laughter. The cops all seem to be plump, chubby, or even husky, you notice.\n\nYou walk past shouts of "What an idiot!" and "Coffee Mug Marino strikes again!" to approach the desk sergeant.\n\n"Coffee Mug Marino?" you inquire.\n\nHe has to take a moment to regain his breath before answering. \n"It doesn't really alliterate, but that's the best one, under the circumstances."\n\n"What's wrong with The Coffee Cup Cop?"\n\nThe laughter subsides, and the police officers look at one another expectantly. "Wait, why not Coffee Cup Cop?"\n\nAnother voice from the crowd: "Marino was fine! Besides, let's not use //his// suggestion." You assume you're being gestured towards.\n\n"Well," says the portly cop. "How about we take a vote on it?"\nThere are no objections.\n\n"All for Coffee Cup Cop?"\n\nFive hands raise.\n\n"All against?"\n\n[[Raise your hand]]\n\n[[Insist on seeing the police chief]]<<endif>>
<h1>YOU ARE DEAD.</h1>\n<h2>Game over</h2>\n<h2>shitty/1000 points</h2><<nobr>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $truckend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<small>[[Go back a bit|Check out before anyone notices you]]</small><<if $nocuss>><br>//(okay this is just going too far. The swearing is excessive enough, but that was just horrible. The player is suicidal, and is violently killed? [[I'm writing a letter about this]])//<<endif>>\n<<if $truckend neq 1>>\n<<remember $truckend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
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As you launch into the air, All you can see in the rearview mirror is a [[rapidly approaching body of water.|Body of Water]]
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<<if $Goostrich>>As the car skids to a stop, the very last of your adrenaline fades away. You can't help but go limp against the seat as your begin to fade off to the sounds of gunshots and honking.\n\nEverything goes dark.<hr><h2>Later\nLike, a month later</h2>\nFists slam on the table before you.\n\n"Talk!"\n\n"....//hey//"\n\nOfficer Marino smiles. "good, good! We're making more progress." He pours yet another mug of coffee and splashes it into your face. "Are you feeling well enough to be interrogated yet?"\n\nYou slowly shake your head. You're still struggling to process information, but he's right - you've been getting a lot better in the last few days.\n\nAn odd giggle comes from Marino's lips. "Sorry. I guess, I just, I never really thought much of myself before, you know? I never really knew if my talents would ever shine. And now they are! I've never felt so confident in my life!"\n\nAnother cup of coffee is splashed on your face. You've heard this speech daily now.\n\n"I knew there was a secret to coffe-holyshitholyshitAAA"\n\nThe officer jumps behind a desk as he's interrupted by someone kicking in the door. This part doesn't usually happen.\n\nTwo FBI agents swarm in, grabbing you as Marino pleads with them not to punch his face.\nIt's only when you're dragged halfway out the door (you're not so good at walking yet) that he peeks up and notices he's being suspect-napped. Or, you're being suspect-napped? Whatever, who cares. Whatever.\n\n"Hey!" he reprimands.\n\nOne of the agents promptly lets go of your side and punches him in the face.\n\n"Ow!" he retorts.\n\nThe chief enters the room, stepping on your body. You notice he has a black eye. It sounds like he's holding back tears.\n"They're taking the scumbag," he sniffs. "They found out about the bait-strich and now we're in //biiiig// trouble."\n\nThe other agent drops your other side. "Bait-strich? Our reports indicated a bluebird. You have more than one bait?"\n\n[[Nope! The chief mixed up the birds, so now the Goostrich wound up being mistakeningly let loose by FBI agents and is destroying the crap out of the station|Let yourself out]]<<nobr>><<if $goosepoliceend neq 1>>\n<<remember $goosepoliceend += 1>>\n<<remember $actualendcount += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $endreveal>><br>\n<br><small>You've reached <<$actualendcount + $endcount>> of <<$actualpossibleend>> endings!</small>\n<<endif>>\n\n\n<<endnobr>><<else>><h2>Later</h2>The policeman paces back and forth before slamming his fists onto the table.\n\n"Talk!"\n\nYou attempt to adjust your handcuffs. "about what?"\n\nYou stare at him for a long time, but he only pours another cup of coffee and puts it on his desk. His desk is completely covered in the mugs.\n\nYou venture again. "about what?"\n\nHe looks unsure of himself. "Crimes?"\n\n"I was caught red-handed. I don't really know what else to talk about. Do you think I know something more?"\n\nHis next cup of coffee fails to balance on the rest, and multiple mugs break onto the floor. He starts to sniffle.\n\n"I'm don't know how to do this," he admits. "We usually take care of you perps with the ol' Good Cop/Bad Cop. All I know is that they usually have coffee." He pours a coffee to demonstrate.\n\n"Well, where's the bad cop?"\n\n"He died."\n\n"Oh." You cringe a bit. \n\n"Oh no, no. You didn't kill him. A lot of other cops, but not him. You see, without a Good Cop, our Bad Cop had no soothing counterpart to calm him down. The sheer Bad Cop rage overwhelmed him. It destroyed him, and it destroyed us."\n\nHe puts another coffee cup down. "He escaped the station one day. By the time we found him, he was covered in blood, punching wildly at a tree. We had to put him down."\n\n"Jesus. What happened to Good Cop?"<<if $nocuss>>//(there's no need for taking the lord's name in vain)//<<endif>>\n\n"Oh, he died, too. Fell out of a tree."\n\nThe police officer puts his head in his hands for a long, long time.\n\n"Look," you say. "I can see things aren't really doing too well here. If you want..."\nYou raise the cuffs towards him. He unlocks it without a second thought. "Thanks," he tells you.\n\n"If you want," you say, putting your hand on his shoulder, "I could stay."\n\n"No," says the cop. "No, I just need to be alone for a while."\n\nYou slightly breathe a sigh of relief. //Yikes.//\n\n[[Let yourself out]]<<endif>>
"Oh, well then." the chief pauses. "Get the hell out of here."\n\n<h3>Later</h3>\n\nYou spy through the station window, watching the police officers push poor Marino around. They snap him with towels and dump him in some trash. Then they all have to sit down for a few minutes.\n\nEventually, one manages to recover enough to stumble over to Marino and flick him in the ear. The crowd starts laughing, which quickly develops into wheezes. One officer clutches his heart and falls to the floor. \n\n//You must reach the poor Coffee Cup Cop,// you decide. This is your destiny.\n\n[[Burn down a building]]
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\nWith your friend in danger, you feel more alert. You switch gears and hit the gas. Save him!\n<br>\n<br>As your car plows through the fence lining the back of the parking lot, the police follow in hot pursuit.\n<br>\n<br>In between the interval of honking and screaming, you occasionally hear a gunshot or two, keeping you from dozing off again.\n<br>You know you should really be looking at the road, but it's just so much effort to lift your head.\n<br>\n<br>[[Just close your eyes for a second|I dare]]\n<br><br>[[Wake up|I daren't]]\n<<endnobr>><<else>>You switch gears and hit the gas. Discretion be damned!\n\nAs your car plows through the fence lining the back of the parking lot, the police follow in hot pursuit.\n\n\nGunshots ring out in the morning sky. You swerve alongside the road - partially to avoid getting shot, but mainly because it's hard to steer like this. Still, you press on, plowing backwards through cornfield after cornfield.\n\nYou hear a tapping from the briefcase in the passenger seat. You should really <<if $lyricreveal and $eyesonroad neq 1>><span class = lyric>keep your eyes on the road</span><<else>>keep your eyes on the road<<endif>>, but do you dare look away from a split second?\n\n[[I dare.|I dare]]\n\n[[I daren't.|I daren't]]<<endif>>\n<<if $eyesonroad neq 1>>\n<<remember $eyesonroad += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n
<H2>AT THE <I>PRESIDENT'S HOUSE</I></H2>\n\nYou're woken by a glass of gin splashing into your face. There are secret service agents restraining you.\n\n"Rise and shine," says President Bastard.\n\nIt takes you a few minutes to process your surroundings. It seems like you're in the Oval Office. You spot the telltale cigar and liquor collection - Bastard is already filling up a new glass. It's oddly hot in here, though. You would have thought the prez would have sprung for some A/C. Which reminds, you, actually..\n\n"Hey, you owe me money!" you tell him indignantly. You're referring, of course, to his presidental election.\n\nBastard spits out his cigar and lights a new one. \n"No, I don't."\n\n[[A memory occurs.|no he doesnt]] "Oh, right," you say. "Anyway, what's up?"\n\nThe President ignores you. With a snap of his fingers, he leads the agents carrying you into the next room.\n\n[[There's a volcano there.|Volcano Room]]\n
You dash to the front desk. "Yes, I'd like to check back in, thanks!" you grab the key from the receptionist's hand and flee up the steps.\n\nAs you run up, you check the bird before sticking it back in your case. Yep, there's a tracker, scotch-taped to its tush.\n\nHow could you be so stupid? You make a mental note to berate yourself later. For now, however, you throw the tracker into the trash, and slam your room door shut behind you.\n\nYou sit with your back to the door, listening for the bird gestapo (//wait, is that offensive? Gestapos are definitely just a Nazi thing. But not secret police. Right? What would you call one?// You make another mental note to check Cyber-Wikipedia later).\n\n\nYou can hear the sounds of footsteps approaching, pauses punctuated with the sound of doors being kicked open. They're getting close.\n\n[[Stay absolutely silent]]\n\n[[Forget yourself! Just save the bird!]]\n\n[[Toot nervously]]
You do that thing where you open the door, but still knock on it, anyway.\n\n"Pow! Pow!" yells the Chief, shooting you with his fingers. He ducks down behind an upturned desk. \n\n"Hey," you say. "I wanted to talk to you about one of your employees. Marino, I think his name was?"\n\nThe Chief pokes his head back up. "Oh, old Coffee Cup Marino!" he says, warmly. "Sexually-Active Thompson thought that name up," he confides.\n\nYou assume Thompson is the portly cop. "Okay," you say. "I just kinda wanted to know what the deal was."\n\nThe Chief is already distracted, throwing pretend grenades out the window.\n\n"What do you mean? <small>pyooooooooo//kabloosh//</small>"\n\n"Just, what's his deal? Guy seems depressed. And like he doesn't know how to do his job. I should be in prison, probably." Actually, you realize, that last bit seems to have already been explained.\n\n[[I would like to hear more of this riveting tale, please.|Chief cont]]
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You turn your head. \n\n"What in th-"\n[[A truck slams into you]].
It's two years later, and you're sitting on your ass<<if $nocuss>>//(BOTTOM)//<<endif>>, watching //That's So Raven// at the safehouse.\n\nYou wound up saving a grand total of two birds. A bird per year. It sounds more impressive that way.\n\nReally though, you haven't really done anything since the first few months. After you saved the cardinal, you felt really pumped and accomplished, like you could do anything. But then you got the new couch, which was really comfortable. Eventually your procrastination became a routine.\n\nYour two rescue-ees harass you daily with their chirps.\n\n"Hey!" you shout. "I'm working on a plan, alright?! These things don't just //happen.//"\n\nYou turn up the volume. You don't really have a plan. <<if $nocuss>>//(skip the next word)//<<endif>>Hell, the freedom fighter gear doesn't even fit you anymore.\n\nYou chuckle at the television. "That's so Raven," you think.\n\n<h2>The End</h2>\n<<if $ravenend neq 1>><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>>\n<small>[[Go back a bit|Pull into gear]]</small>\n<<if $ravenend neq 1>>\n<<remember $ravenend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>>
The Chief finally turns towards you and explains that the police staff had been dwindling fast, ever since he took charge. He had a fully equipped staff - his Loose Cannons, his Bad Cop and Good Cop, his Fat Cops Who Mock The Cop Who Has A Hard Time So They'll Look Defeated Once That Cop Triumphs, his By-The-Book Cops (although he doesn't really like those ones, he says), his Corrupt Cops and his Cops-That-Perpetually-Miss-Their-Sons'-Soccer-Practices.\n\n"But," he says, "I had guys like Marino, too. In all my training -" (he surreptitiously hides some action movies behind the desk) -"I've seen guys like Marino in the background. Usually eating a bagel, or getting a coffee. Does he drink the coffee?"\n\nHe begins to pace.\n\n"I don't know. That's Marino's department. Well, it was. We had some problems."\n\nHe looks at you again for a long time. The chief probably has a screwed up brain, you guess. Anyway, he keeps talking.\n\n"Turns out, my job's wa-a-a-a-y more complicated than I thought," he says, rolling his eye in exasperation. "Taking someone's badge made them stop showing up for work! Missing soccer practices made people quit! And the corrupt guys and and the loose cannon guys kept shooting each other. So I had to promote those bagel and coffee cops to fill in for the others. Most of the others got shot, too. Or they quit when I took their badges."\n\n[[I can't believe how fascinating all this is, I demand that you continue enthralling me with this story|Chief cont cont]]
You look at the bird for a long time. It never makes eye contact.\n\n"So how did they immediately know....? That seemed almost planned." Your tone shifts from confusion to anger.\n\nYou grab the bird and look underneath.\n\n"Oh shit,"<<if $nocuss>>//(this is just appalling)//<<endif>> you breathe. There's a tracking device attached to its bottom.\n\n You've read about this kind of thing. You just took a Bait Bird.\n\nThe entire police force was watching you in the hotel. You'll never be able to go home again. \n\n\nAs you pick off the device and toss it out the window, the faint noise of sirens begin to fill the air.\n\n[[Confront the traitor]]\n\n[[Pull into gear. Now's not the time for this.|Pull into gear]]\n
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<<if $Goostrich>><<display Chase Sequence>><<else>>He'll have to wait. Right now, you need to concentrate on the road behind you.\n\nCase in point: the highway comes out of nowhere! You slam the brakes and just barely manage to skid away from the median in time.\n\nUnfortunately, so does the police car. [[Looks like you're gonna have to shake them.|Chase Sequence]]<<endif>>
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<<nobr>>\n<br><<set $back to "off">><h2>[[Apply Changes|previous()]]</h2><<if $Goostrich neq 1>>Cussin' is <<cyclinglink $nocusswitch "rad" "horrible">><hr><<endif>><h2>Tracking</h2>\n\nEnd Tracking is <<cyclinglink $trackends "on" "off">> | <small><<cyclinglink $trackendswitch "Newly discovered endings are announced" "You don't hear jack about new endings">></small><br>\n\n<<if $Goostrich neq 1>>Lyric Tracking is <<cyclinglink $tracklyrics "on" "off">> | <small><<cyclinglink $newlyricswitch "Newly discovered lyrics are pinkified" "You ain't seein nothin about no lyrics">></small><<endif>>\n<br>\n<hr><<if $lyrics > 12>><h2>Goostrich Mode Unlocked!</h2>\n<<if $goose neq 1>><<set $goose to 1>><<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $lyrics > 12>><<if $Goostrich neq 1>><small>[[Play Now|Start][$Goostrich = 1;$back to "on"]]</small><<endif>><<if $Goostrich>><small>[[For the love of God, //turn it off//|Start][$Goostrich = 0;$back to "on"]]<hr></small><<endif>><<endif>><<nobr>><small>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;//To unlock the legendary Goostrich, encounter each of the following lyrics.<br>\n(this stuff gets auto-saved, don't worry about doing it in one sitting)//@@</small><br><br><<endnobr>><<endif>><small>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;Little bird, little bird@@<br>\n<<if $follow>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;Why don't you follow me home?@@<<else>>Why don’t you follow me home?<<endif>><br>\n<br>\n<<if $nowhere>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;You've got nowhere else to go@@<<else>>you’ve got nowhere else to go<<endif>><br>\n<<if $follow>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;Why don't you follow me home?@@<<else>>Why don’t you follow me home?<<endif>><br>\n<br>\n<<if $babyblue>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;Baby blue, baby blue@@<<else>>Baby blue, baby blue<<endif>><br>\n<<if $eyesonroad>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;keep your eyes on the road@@<<else>>keep your eyes on the road<<endif>><br>\n<<if $median>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;over the median you will go@@<<else>>over the median you will go<<endif>><br>\n<br>\n<<if $returned>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;I have returned@@<<else>>I have returned<<endif>><br>\n<<if $regardless>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;contrary to what you have heard@@<<else>>contrary to what you have heard<<endif>><br>\n<<if $skyward>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;looking skyward, I found my blue bird@@<<else>>looking skyward, I found my blue bird<<endif>><br>\n<br>\n<<if $moved>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;But i have moved on@@<<else>>But i have moved on<<endif>><br>\n<<if $regardless>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;regardless to what you have heard@@<<else>>regardless of what you have heard<<endif>><br>\n<<if $skyward>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;moving forward, I found my blue bird@@<<else>>moving forward, I found my blue bird<<endif>><br>\n<br>\n<<if $yeah1>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta;Yeah,@@<<else>>Yeah<<endif>><<if $yeah2>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta; yeah,@@<<else>> yeah<<endif>><<if $yeah3>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta; yeah,@@<<else>> yeah,<<endif>><<if $yeah4>>@@font-weight:bold;color:magenta; yeah@@<<else>> yeah<<endif>></small><br>\n<br>\n[[Erase Progress|forget]]<<endnobr>>\n
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The Chief laughs. "Tell me about it. I used to worry, but then I realized: a horrible, horrible boss is just who I am. I just have to live with it. Look here."\n\nHe starts to hand you a pamphlet, but you wave it off.\n\n"Hell," he continues. "that whole bird-bait thing is //totally// out of our jurisdiction! That's a federal offense, not a state one. I should be fired!"\n\n"So anyway," he says, suddenly serious. "are you here for a job, or what?"\n\n[["How much does it pay?"|"How much does the job pay?"]]\n\n[["No, I was just willing to sit through that."|getting coffeecup]]\n\n
Nope.\n\nThe car sinks with your hopes of being rescued. As the car begins to land in a crater, you figure now's as good a time as any to open that briefcase. That little bird must be awful cramped by now.\n\nIt's hard to tell, really. For such a cute fella, he's awful stoic. Over the next few days, the two of you have many one-sided conversations.\n\nJust as you think your bird pal is finally getting the hang of blackjack (he isn't), you suddenly feel a push on the car.\n\n[[Then another.|Then another]]
As the years pass, you become quite accustomed to your new living situation. It took some maneuvering, but you managed to grab a windshield wiper. All it took was the ribbon from a cassette tape, and you had a trusty fishing rod.\n\nEventually, you and your roommate seem to grow further and further apart. After a decade or so, you've finally given up hope on teaching him how to play Blackjack. (As it turns out, he had no money to begin with, as you would eventually learn after another five years.)\n\nFinally, the two of you have had enough. Your beards have become unruly, and you can't stand a single more bite of fish. One of you would have to go out for help.\n\nThe two of you draw straws. The bird wins. \nFair's fair, you suppose.\n\nYou spend the next year crafting a crude submarine type device out of the briefcase and some fully functional SCUBA gear you had forgotten about.\n\nFinally, the big day arrives: the maiden voyage! You give your bird friend explicit instructions to search for help and immediately return as soon as possible.\n\nAs you set him off, undoubtly to some new, grand adventure, your heart swells. It swells with pride, with excitement. It swells with anxiety, and with hope.\n\nWhat will happen? Only time may tell.\n\n<h1>THE END</h1><<nobr>>\n<<if $waterendmerry neq 1>>\n<<remember $waterendmerry += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $watermerry neq 1>><small>You've reached <<$endcount>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>><br>\n<small>[[Go back a bit|Reverse!]]</small>\n<<endnobr>>
"Anyway, now it's down to just me, The Fat Cops, and stupid Marino," the chief scrunches his nose in disgust.\n\n"Oh, and Officer Anger! But she's not really so much an "employee", as she is a "person who kept showing up to work with a gun."\n\n[["You seem really bad at your job"]]
"Mr. Bastard, I think you misunderstand these gentle creatures. Birds are pacifists, //kind// creatures."\n\nThe President stops firing his weapon for a second.\n"Hmm. I don't see an upside to //not// killing them, though. Will they be my slaves?"\n\nThe birds all huddle for a moment, then turn back to you. A peacock shakes its head.\n\n"No," you tell him. President Bastard begins firing until you shout that you aren't finished. He rolls his eyes.\n\nYou hold up your hands. "Look, I think we all got off on the wrong foot. If being slaves is what it takes, then I'll ask them what it'll take to begin negotiating."\n\nThey have a little conference with you. "They want you to remove the eyepatch," you tell him. \n\nPresident Bastard looks incensed. "So I can open up a weak spot to these bloodthirsty monsters?!"\nHe pauses. "Well, if they agree to be my slaves, sure."\n\nYou look over at the peacock. It's nodding.\n"Sounds good to them," you say.\n\nPresident Bastard takes a few deep breaths, and removes his eyepatch. "See?" he says. "Alright, now go dive in my volc-"\n\nSuddenly the birds swarm over to the President, pecking both his eyes out horribly. "You dicks!" he cries.\n\nYou rush in the middle of the chaos, trying to settle things, but a puffin sternly pushes you aside, and you're forced to watch as they savagely beat this man to a pulp.\n\n____\n\nEventually, they finally stop, and the birds approach you.\nUsing their bird language, they thank you for finally lowering the President's defenses. That son of a bitch has been too wily for decades.\n\n"Is, is this for any reason? Are you finally free now?" you hesitantly ask.\n\nTheir shared, malevolent glare dashes your hopes as they slowly begin to surround you. \n\nThe last sight you ever see is the glowing hellfire in the eyes of a bluebird.\n\n____\n\nCongratulations! You've facilitated the Bird Apocalypse! All of humanity are now at the mercy of their avian overlords. \nNice going, guy or gal.\n\n<h2>THE END</h2><<nobr>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $apocend neq 1>><small><br>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<br><small>[[Go back a bit|Volcano Room]]</small>\n<<if $apocend neq 1>>\n<<remember $apocend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
Well, at least no authorities are around.\n\nYou flip open the briefcase to see the little fellow looking back at you. He ruffles his feathers a bit, then hops around the car seat, looking for a comfortable position. \n\nNeedless to say, you are mesmerized by this forbidden creature. What secrets does it hold? Maybe it can help you out.\n\n"Say, little bird," you say, attempting to look unimpressed. "I don't suppose you have a way of getting us out of this jam?"\n\nHe doesn't seem to be looking at you anymore. Maybe you displeased him.\n\nThe two of you sit in silence for a while, until the car finally hits the sea floor. Seems you landed in a crater. There's nothing to see except the walls surrounding you, sadly.\n\n[[Live the rest of your life underwater]]
The car continues to rustle mysteriously.\n\n"Who's rustling?!" you shout aimlessly. "I have a gun!"\n\nThe rustlers either don't hear you or don't care. They continue rustling.\n\nYou sigh, and slide back into the driver's seat. Wait a second, you realize. They aren't just shaking you..[[they're pushing you out of the crater!]]\n\n
you jump onto the moving trash thing and ride it for a while.\n\n<<if $yeah2 neq 1 and $lyricreveal>><span class =lyric>//yeahhhhh//</span><<else>>//yeahhhhh//<<endif>>\n<<set $trash to 1>>\n<<nobr>><<if $yeah2 neq 1>><br>\n<<remember $yeah2 += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>\n<<display previous()>>\n
You’re shoved through the White House, through various wings and doors, until finally coming face to face with the President Himself. \n\nHe angrily looks up from his notepad - it's full of stick figures with large breasts.\n\n"What? Whatwhat//what??// I'm busy!"\n\nHe's drowned out by innumerable chirps, tweets, and hoots. They shove you closer to him. They seem to be using you as their spokeman.\n\nPresident Bastard reaches under his desk for his gun.\n\n[[Forcefully demand equal rights for birds]]\n\n[[Try to reason with him]]
"Looks like Marino stays!" shouts the portly cop, jubilantly.\n\nThe desk sergeant interjects. "Hey, wait a minute," he says.\n\n"What?"\n\n<<if $nocuss>>//(he's gonna say a cuss)//<<endif>>"That was six hands for Coffee Cup Cop! What the hell?"<<if $nocuss>>//(oh my)//<<endif>>\n\n"Well, we're not taking //his// vote." You feel gestured to, again.\n\n"That still leaves it a tie, asshole!" shouts the desk sarge.<<if $nocuss>>//(no no stop)//<<endif>>\n\n"I'm voting for Marino, dipshit!" shouts the portly cop.<<if $nocuss>>//(stop don't read no no no)//<<endif>>\n\n"Wait, dickhead,"<<if $nocuss>>//(why)//<<endif>> shouts the sarge, "but you didn't raise yours?"\n\n"Well I counted! It was implied! Chickenshit!"<<if $nocuss>>//(close the window take the children out of the room)//<<endif>>\n\nYou interrupt - "Really I was just looking for the chi-"\n\n"That sounds like flimsy reasoning, assbrain!" shouts the sargeant. "You're just claiming to vote, now that you know it's needed!"<<if $nocuss>>//(help someone)//<<endif>>\n\n"Look, dog shit,<<if $nocuss>>//(i think i quit i can't do this i quit i can't)//<<endif>> if we were to take another vote, then Marino would obviously win!" The portly cop is getting hoarse.\n\n"Oh really? Oh really? Well there's still Kathryn, who hasn't voted, also-asshole!<<if $nocuss>>//(but people need a censor i just i can't help)//<<endif>> Wouldn't you think we'd have to include her in this if all cops are to be accounted for?"\n\nYou just look up the office location on the map and begin to walk away. Nobody seems to care.\n\n"I don't understand," shouts the portly cop, "why you seem to think the person counting, you shit, isn't involved in the voting process!"<<if $nocuss>>//(i'm just so sorry)//<<endif>>\n\n[["Well I mean-|The Police Chief]]
You sit still. Not a move.\n\nThe door is kicked open, and you flop aside like a rag doll. You're quickly apprehended by faces and voices you ignore. All of your being is concentrating on being inert.\n\nYou're taken to a room at some point, where a figure makes nervous noises. It pours things. You just keep your unfocused gaze straight ahead, making no note of your surroundings. \n\nAt some point, there are louder noises. Another door is kicked open. Other figures grab you and take you to another room for a while. Time passes. You wind up in brighter room. During this time, one or two figures occasionally enter your field of vision, make noises, and leave.\n\nThe years pass and your body atrophies, the figures come with less and less regularity. You aren't grateful or saddened. You are not. You don't exist, as far as you're concerned.\n\nOne day, there are new noises. You recognize a few of the noises as one of the figures that check on you. Most are new. You are unconcerned.\n\n----------------\n\nThe glass shatters against the wall.\n\n"What the <<if $nocuss>>(uh oh) <<endif>>HELL<<if $nocuss>> (oh gee) <<endif>> do you //mean// he can't be executed?!" roared President Bastard. He throws the entire bottle of Presidental Wine at the doctor.\n\nThe doctor barely dodges it. "Well sir, it seems the felon's gone into some kind of catatonic state. From the moment he was captured, he's been completely unresponsive for three years."\n\nPresident Bastard makes a quick side glance at his aides. They scatter to find more things to throw.\n\n"Three years. //Three// years!" he bellows. "I don't care if he's //dead!// We're killing him!"\n\nAn aide hands him a snowglobe and he smashes it through the window.\n\nThe President grabs the doctor by his collar. "Let me see him." he growls.\n----------------\n\nThe noises get louder and louder, until the figures appear in your sight. You think nothing. The loudest figure turns to a small one, and makes noises until the small figure leaves.\n\nThe loud figure makes more sounds. They sound directed at you. This information means nothing. Spit lands on your face.\n\nThe small figure returns with objects. The loud one takes them.\n\nA tennis ball bounces off your head. You have no reaction.\n\nThere's a yowling sound from the loud figure. It generates a small circle of light. It moves the light back and forth in front of your eyes. After a few minutes, the light flies from the loud figure. It makes another yowl, then gets quiet.\n\nThe loud figure leans in close to your face. You can feel the bristles of a moustache. The figure gets closer. There's a long silence, as it emits a hot, rancid breath.\n\nA soft noise is made from behind the figure. It sounds questioning. But the figure remains. \n\nIt gets closer.\n\nYou scream and punch President Bastard right in the face.\n\n"Gotcha, ya dried up old turd!" you yell as you jump through the hospital window. \n\n"AAAAGGGGHHHH" screams President Bastard.\n\n<h2>THE END</h2>\n<h3>1000/1000 points</h3>\n<<if $comaend neq 1>><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>>\n<small>[[Go back a bit|You've already run back inside the hotel]]</small>\n<<if $comaend neq 1>>\n<<remember $comaend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>>
It cocks its head in response. You aren't quite sure it can understand you.\n\nBut you're already guilty of associating with it, so you might as well help it out.\n<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>Mustering up all the courage you can, you pat the bird and attempt to move it towards the briefcase. The Goostrich screeches horribly, kicks you in the face, and runs off for the lobby. You gently grab its side and attempt to guide it past, undetected. Mythic bird of legend or no, this thing is very illegal.\n<br><br><<endnobr>><<else>>Mustering up all the courage you can, you grab the bird and stick it in your briefcase.\n\nYou toss out your continental breakfast. Your nerves have made it impossible to eat, anyway. As far as the law is concerned, you're already an accessory to Avian Crime. You need to get home as soon as possible, you think.<<endif>>\n\n[[Check out before anyone notices you]]\n[[Forget it, just run for the door]]\n\n
.lyric {\n color:magenta; \n}\n\n.lyric a:link {\n color:magenta; \n}\n\n.passage a:hover {\n color: #f5cdff;\ntext-decoration: none;\n}
You put the car in drive and press down.\n\nNothing happens, because, seriously what the hell good would that do?\n\nYou resort to [[honking]] your horn as loudly as possible. Maybe those dolphins are nearby!\n\n\n
<h2>Later</h2>\n\nIt's night. You can't go home, and you can't trust a place to stay. So you drive.\n\nYou've had a lot of time to think, now that it's later. That Bluejay was born a Bluejay, whether it wanted to, or not. It may have been a set-up, but you still saved it. Perhaps this is a sign -- this is the way you're meant to live your new life.\n\n//The betrayal still stings,// you think, <<if $moved and $lyricreveal>><span class=lyric>//but I have moved on.//</span><<else>>//but I have moved on.//<<endif>>\n\n[[Driving]]\n\n[[Saving Birds]]\n<<if $moved neq 1>>\n<<remember $moved += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>>
<<if $Goostrich>>You shake yourself awake and strap in for a good old 1970s car chase.\n\nAs you start to turn towards the highway, the slight jostle infuriates/unsettles/somehow causes your companion to get in on the action. He rips various parts of your interior and throws them out the window. Presumably to throw off the cops, somehow? Or maybe he's just angry about the jostling.\n\nHe tosses the radio out.\n\n[[It gets caught under your wheel and throws you off course! You're caught by the police!|cop]]\n<<nobr>>\n\n\n<<endnobr>><<else>>You strap in for a good old 1970s car chase.\n\nThe whole thing was really fun for everyone involved.\n\n\n[[In the process, you were apprehended by the police and dragged in the station|cop]]\n\n[[No, you got away, it's cool.|Make a clean getaway]]<<endif>>
//Twenty years ago, Bastard had dominated the television and radio airwaves with his campaign ads. \nThe nation was in a recession at the time, and he promised exactly what the people wanted - a big fat bribe in exchange for a vote.\nOnce he won by a landslide (besides winning 100% of the popular vote, his opponents were mysteriously bribed into suicide), Bastard established his integrity with his now-famous inauguration speech: "Turns out, I don't pay bribes. Peace."\n\nSome citizens tried to get their payouts anyway, but it was difficult to provide evidence of who you voted for. There were a few folks who thought ahead and took pictures, but they were swiftly sent to prison. Ballot disclosure laws.\nPlus that invalidates your vote, which means you never really held up your end of the deal.\n\nThe United States all had a good laugh over the incident. He got us good, they had to admit.\n\nThe Canadians were also pretty surprised over the whole ordeal when he took over a year later. Join the club, said the States.\n_____________________\n<h4>Anyway</h4>//\n<<display previous()>>
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\nCrap, you fell asleep. You aren't supposed to do that with a head injury!\n<br>Also, you're in the ocean or something. Drowning, probably.\n<br>\n<br>You sit up and place your hand on your head. It's covered in soggy bandages. A look around reveals you are now lying on some kind of sea-themed hospital bed. It's sitting on a giant clamshell.\n<br>\n<br>Two nurses swim up to you. They look exactly like life-sized Sea Monkeys! Not the ones from the ads, but the actual kind, the kind you got in the mail. They're wearing pillbox hats with a red cross symbol. It's gross.\n<br>\n<br>"He's awake!" they declare jubilantly. One nurse runs off, announcing that it will go tell the staff.\n<br>\n<br>"What happened to the Goostrich?" you ask, alarmed.\n<br>\n<br>"If you mean that bird you sank with, it swam up to the surface, no problem. Took your wallet, though."\n<br>\n<br>The nurse starts making an effort to look innocent.\n<br>\n<br>"Stop that," you say. It stops.\n<br>\n<br>"Anyway," it (she?) says. "I'm sure you have other questions, right? Like how you got here? How we managed to give you gills, why we're all able to talk at all, much less understand each other? Or why we put your bed outside?"\n<br>\n<br>"No, not really. I mean, the bed thing, I thought maybe your primitive society hadn't figured out buildings or something."\n<br>\n<br>"No, the real-people hospital is right over there. You aren't wondering anything else?"\n<br>\n<br>"I'm good. In fact, I'm gonna take a nap, I think."\n<br>\n<br>The nurse slaps you. "No!" it shouts. "You're not supposed to do that with a head injury, stupid!"\n<br>\n<br>You give it a petulant look. You can't believe it's being so bossy to an above-water ambassador like yourself. The sea monkey nurse pulls out a clipboard and begins writing.\n<br>\n<br>"No questions...likely brain-damaged..." it says to itself.\n<br>You wonder what it's writing.\n<br>\n<br>At any rate, it finishes up and begins to leave. "I'm going to get the doctor," you hear it say. "Brain-damaged or not, this is incredible! Just don't fall asleep. I'll be back in less than a minute."\n<br>\n<br>"Just gonna rest my eyes!" you shout reassuringly as it floats away into the back door of the hospital.\n<br>You're lying, obviously. The sea monkey is just too stupid to know how head injuries work. You're fairly certain sleeping cures 'em, you think to yourself as you begin to fade off into unconsciousness.\n<br>\n<br><h2>THE END</h2>\n<br><h3>You died of mysterious circumstances! Crap healthcare, probably.</h3><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $goosewaterend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$actualendcount + $endcount + 1>> of <<$actualpossibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>><<if $goosewaterend neq 1>>\n<<remember $goosewaterend += 1>>\n<<remember $actualendcount += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endnobr>><<else>>\nFor the tiniest fraction of a second, you steal a glance over at your feathery contraband. It seems to be alright. You lift your head back up.\n\n\nOh crap. Your reflexes are too slow. <<if $lyricreveal and $median neq 1>><span class = lyric>[[Over the median you will go]]</span><<else>>[[Over the median you will go]] <<endif>>\n<<if $median neq 1>>\n<<remember $median += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endif>>\n
<<if $Goostrich>><<nobr>>\n<br>"Hol' on tiight, lil' guy," you slur as you slam your foot to the pedal. Then you realize that was the brake. You use the gas pedal this time.\n<br>\n<br>The car roars to life, ramming straight into the police car with all your might, launching you through the windshield.\n<br>As you flip in mid-air, you get a brief, upside-down glimpse of the last thing you'll ever see: the Goostrich ruining your upholstery in a probably majestic manner. \n<br>\n<br>It was all worth it, you begin to think, before you land onto the hard concrete below.\n<br>\n<br>Later, as the coroner literally attempts to piece together the result of your collison, people will ask: "Jesus Christ, what on earth is that horrible creature?"\n<br>It's a good question.\n\n<<endnobr>><<else>>"Hold on tight, little fella!" you scream as you slam your foot to the pedal.\n\nYou slam into the police car with all your might, launching you and your briefcase through the windshield.\n\nOn the bright side: your little bird pal was cushioned by the inside of the case, and survived the impact.\n\nOn the gloomy side: you, however, are strewn about the entire hotel parking lot. Not even the coroner can manage to reassemble the jigsaw puzzle that is now your skeleton.\n\n"What the hell was he planning to do?" People will ask. It's a good question.<<endif>>\n\n<h2>THE END</h2><<nobr>><<if $Goostrich neq 1>><<if $endreveal>>\n<small>[[Go back a bit|Forget it, just run for the door]]</small><<if $peelend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>><<else>>\n<<if $endreveal>><<if $goosepeelend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$actualendcount + 1 + endcount>> of <<$actualpossibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>><<if $goosepeelend neq 1>>\n<<remember $goosepeelend += 1>>\n<<remember $actualendcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endif>>\n<<if $peelend neq 1>>\n<<remember $peelend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>
You cough, attempting to get some attention.\n"So, uh, what's the deal with the volcano?"\n\nA particularly gossip-y agent responds. "Well, between you and us," he tells you, "Sometimes Mr. President drinks a little too much at night."\n\nYou raise your eyebrows. Raising your eyebrows indicates surprise.\n\n<<if $lyricreveal and $ neq 1>><span class = lyric>"Yeah,</span><<else>>"Yeah,<<endif>> right? He's always got a drink in his hand, so you'd be thinkin', hey, wouldn't he be, like, have an incredibly high tolerance by now?"\n\nThe unhelpful agent pipes up. "Oh, I never considered that before."\n\nThe gossip-y agent glares at the unhelpful one, then continues. "But, he does sometimes, if he drinks enough. And when that happens, he sometimes orders stuff he doesn't really want."\n\nYou slowly nod. This indicates you understand.\n\n"Right, so anyway. Volcano. And you can't exactly send this thing back to the store - we had to get a guy to build this thing. So he figures he might as well get some use out of it."\n\nAnother agent announces he has the camera working, to much applause. You get pushed into the goop and melt.\n\n<h2>THE END</h2><<nobr>>\n<<if $yeah1 neq 1>>\n<<remember $yeah1 += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>><<if $endreveal>>\n<<if $satisfyend neq 1>><br><small>You've reached <<$endcount + 1>> of <<$possibleend>> endings!</small><<endif>><<endif>>\n<small><br>[[Go back a bit|Volcano Room]]</small>\n<<if $satisfyend neq 1>>\n<<remember $satisfyend += 1>>\n<<remember $endcount += 1>>\n<<endif>><<endnobr>>\n
Finally, you're able to slink back in your seat, content in victory.\n\n[[Head home already]]\n\n[[Change of plans, pull over]]\n\n<<if $trash is 0>>[[Jump the car into a moving trash boat thing, for good measure]]<<endif>>\n\n
<h2>Two Years Later</h2>\n\n"This your first time in New St. Louis?"\n\nYou finish packing your luggage into the cab. "No," you tell the driver. <<if $lyricreveal and $ neq 1>><span class = lyric>"I have returned."</span><<else>>"I have returned."<<endif>>\n\nThe cabbie grins as you enter the car. It smells like stale tobacco.\n\n"Ah. Had fun, eh?" he asks.\n\n"No, it was business. This is business." \nYou were fired from your job two months ago. Ever since you returned from the last trip, you just weren't the same.\nPeople needed their pooping pig keychains, but you just couldn't sell them anymore. You were always distracted, your boss said. She hated to let such a high-performing salesman go, but she had no choice.\n\n"Well then, have you visited the Super Arch? It has a casino at top, and a singing man!"\n\nYou sold the famous Singing Man an entire bag of keychains. "No."\n\n"Oh." his enthusiasm tapers off at the defeated tone in your voice. "Well, then. Not everybody has to see everything. That's what I say." \n\nHe brightens up again. "Say, you hear about President Bastard's big fight with the Queen? They say she--"\n\n"Here."\n\n"Pardon?"\n\n"I want off here." You say, avoiding his gaze.\n\n"This is the middle of the highway, I can't just..." he trails off.\n\nYou just hand him a hundred, then step out onto the street. You're standing on the highest bridge in the city. You close your eye, take a deep breath, and prepare to jump.\n\n[[chirp?|twitter?]]\n<<if $returned neq 1>>\n<<remember $returned += 1>>\n<<remember $lyrics += 1>>\n<<endif>>\n
The bird jumps around, panicked, at the sound of the police. It goes back in the case.\n\n"Let 'em come," you say, resigned. "You son of a <<if $nocuss>>//( oh my )//<<endif>>bitch."\n\nYou shake your head and ask coldly: "So, how. How can you li-"\n\n[[Suddenly the bird smacks you with a blackjack, knocking you unconscious]]